The Scary Jokes

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Funniest The Scary Jokes

I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink... ...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.

Julius Caesar and Brutus Walk Into a Movie Theater Brutus looks at Caesar and says "Caesar, we should watch the movie sequel with the scary clown in it!"

Caesar ponders what Brutus is saying for a moment. "It Two, Brute?"

So I had this dream of eating a large marshmallow The scary part was when I woke up I found my pillow missing.


*Took this off an essay example thing we were given in English, thought it'd be pretty funny to post on here

Funny The Scary Jokes

What did the package say to the scary 18 wheeler? I'm not a freight.

What did the scary old lady say when she found a gold cauldron? I’m gonna be witch.

Did you hear the scary story about a piercing gone wrong? It was eerie.

What did the scary plant say? Bamboo

The scary thing about watch dogs 3 Is the fact it's accurate representation on britian

What's a pirate's least favorite letter? (ok, you really have to slur this to make it sound right)
The Scary Vee!

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Long The Scary Jokes

I went to the cinema to watch “Harry Potter”

...and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits. At the end I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed. He replied “So am I. He hated the book”

A man ran out of fuel in midnight, hitchhiking

Then he saw a car coming at him. He got in the car, and the car started to move slowly. The scary thing is that there was no driver! He had no options. There was a hairpin, and again, there is no driver. When he got to the hairpin, a dark hand coming from the window turns the steering wheel, he was terrified. After a while moving, he arrived to a bar and he gets out of the van. Going in the bar, he saw 2 angry men with baseball bats after him staring directly at him. They said "So you were the idiot in our car while we were pushing it?!"

The Viper

A young woman lived alone in an apartment on the top floor of her building. One day, she got a phonecall on her landline from a number she didn't know. She answered it. "Hello?"
"Hello. I am the Viper. And I am coming to your apartment soon." Then the person hung up.
The woman didn't know what to think. She went and locked her front door, but was also prepared to write it off as a joke from a bored man.
10 minutes later, she receives another phone call from the same number. She picks it up. "Who are you?"
"I am the Viper. And I am at your building. I'm coming up." He hangs up.
The woman panics and calls her best friend. She quickly explains the scary phone calls and asks for advice.
Her friend says, "Make sure everything is locked, including the windows. If he calls back, call the police right after."
The woman checks everything and then sits on her sofa, heart racing, waiting for something to happen. When the phone rang again, she jumped a little and then answered it. ".... Hello?"
"Hello. I am the Viper. I am on the 2nd floor. I will be at your apartment shortly."
The woman hangs up before he can and calls the police. They assure her they are on the way and to try and arm herself if she has anything that can protect herself if need be.
The woman grabs a kitchen knife and waits by her front door.
Someone knocks on the front door.
Praying it's the police, she calls out, "Hello?"
No reply.
She looks through the peephole. She can't see anyone. She slides the chain into place and carefully opens the door.
Looking down, she sees the shortest man she's ever seen in her entire life. The man looks up at her.
"Hello. I am the Viper. I have come to vipe your vindows."



My apologies for the terrible joke. I read it 14 years ago in a book of scary short stories and needed to get it out of my brain.

A bad Feghoot

There's a big casino nearby a big law firm. On Thursday night the lawyers get together and take a couple dollars each to bet on roulette. They split the money they earn (if any).

Well as they enter the casino on Thursday, everyone waves to them and says, "here comes the firm." Once they're inside the casino owner approaches them and informs them that they have a new game that's really catching on with patrons.

The game involves taking a bunch of words out of the dictionary, like "gun", "fire", or "doll" and putting them on a table. Then an unknowing person is brought inside and he/she chooses one of ten words. If a patron guesses the word they choose correctly, they win 100 times their bet.

The one trick to the game is that the words aren't shown to the people who bet. They have to guess what type of word the unsuspecting person will choose, like a "manly" word or a "humorous" word.

The firm thinks it'll be a hoot to try out, so they walk back into the new gambling parlor. They're shown a picture of a huge weightlifter with big, burly muscles. A bunch of other patrons have put down "manly" or "strong" for their bets. But a partner at the firm notices that the weightlifter has a My Little Pony pink bracelet on his wrist. They write down their adjective and hand it to the owner of the casino.

He starts reading off the bets:

"The manly word, bets Mr. Carloff"

"The scary word, bets Mr. James"

The casino owner looks at the next bet and smiles.

*"The girly word, bets the firm."*

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