Cannibal Jokes

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Funniest Cannibal Jokes

What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife. Nothing, he's Gladiator.

Funny Cannibal Jokes

"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film" "Gladiator?"

"No, I really miss her"

What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner? A cold shoulder.

Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant? Because he got cold feet.

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who ate his wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.

the cannibal said in his trial - “If I am what I eat..." "Then I'm an innocent man"

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wipe his butt.

A cannibal showed up late to the luncheon His friends gave him the cold shoulder.

I was so late to the cannibal banquet They just gave me a cold shoulder

A police officer was assigned to hunt a dangerous cannibal on his first day on the job All the more seasoned officers had already been eaten

I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him. I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.

For a lion to become a cannibal He must first swallow his pride

How does a cannibal say hello? He offers you a handshake.

What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning? Grab a cup of joe.

A cannibal in a courtroom Representing himself, the cannibal was asked by the judge if he had anything to say.

"If the quote "You are what you eat" is true then I am an innocent man."

What happened when the cannibal was late for lunch? He was given the cold shoulder.

The cannibal was late to dinner He was given the cold shoulder

What does the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend Flush

I heard this from my 11 year old cousin, the look on his mom's face after he told me this made my day.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal One turns to the other and says, "Wait. I think we are doing this wrong."

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer. Cannibal 1: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Cannibal 2: "Not at all, and there's plenty to go around!"

What did the cannibal get when he was late to dinner? The cold shoulder

What happened when the cannibal was late to the dinner party? He got the cold shoulder.

Two cannibals were eating Amy Schumer... One cannibal says to the other one, "Does this taste funny to you?"

And the other one goes, "No."

What do you call a war between two cannibal tribes? A food fight.

Why did the cannibal live on his own? He was fed up with other people.

A cannibal dumped his girlfriend. And then flushed.

A cannibal ate an optimist once He couldn't quite keep him down.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Flushed.

A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie? “Gladiator?”

“No, I really miss her.”

Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder

Two cannibals are eating a missionary starting at opposite ends. One says to the other "This guy's ear is delicious! Are you enjoying eating him as much as I am?"
The other cannibal says "I'm having a ball."

What's the best thing about being a cannibal in a coma ward? Fresh vegetables.

What happens to the cannibal who is late to the party? He gets the cold shoulder.

What did the late arriving cannibal receive at the dinner party? The cold shoulder.

Short and sweet cannibal joke Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore... I ate the last one yesterday

Did you hear about the cannibal who showed up late to the luncheon? They gave him the cold shoulder.

Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients? The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.

What did the cannibal say to 2 Mexicans? I thought I'd eat both of you but I only have room for Juan

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New Cannibal Jokes

What do you call a cannibal that works in a university? Hannibal Lecture

Why did the cannibal bring his silverware to the comedy club? He heard there would be an open Mike.

Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19? Too many handshakes

Yesterday I attended a cannibal dinner where the food was cooked only on one side. It was quite a half-assed BBQ.

Hey guys, I don't know how to cheer up my cannibal friend. He recently dumped his girlfriend.

Two guys show up late to a cannibal breakfast All they get is the cold shoulder.

How did the cannibal survive Coronavirus? By the skin on his teeth.

A young cannibal chief noticed a beautiful young woman about to be placed in a burning kettle. "Wait!" He shouted to the chef, "I'll have my breakfast in bed."

What did one cannibal say to the other? "Yesterday I dumped my girlfriend"

What does the vegetarian cannibal eat? Disabled people.

Why did the cannibal throw the disabled kid in a tub of hot water Coz vegetables taste better when they’re boiled

I showed up late to a cannibal party. I got the cold shoulder.

How did the cannibal win the cooking contest? A lot of blood, sweat, and tears

How does a cannibal flavor his cooking? With Rose, Mary, and Sage

Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene? To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef.

Why didn't the cannibal eat the guy with no legs ? Because he was lacktoes intolerant

I'm a veganoterian. I'm a cannibal who only eats vegans.

What does a cannibal do after eating a vegetable? Goes on eBay to see how much the wheelchair sells for.

A cannibal walks into a bar and asks for two fingers AND scotch. Bartender says....wait what?

A cannibal rudely came late to dinner So they gave him the cold shoulder.

A cannibal on death row was asked what he would like as his last meal. Unsurprisingly, the answer was a handburger.

What do you call a cannibal who only eats people that served in the military? A veteranarian.

If a cannibal uses Uber eats He would get 2 deliveries at the same time.

what do you call a cannibal who only eats disabled people a vegetarian

Dinner party at neighbor's house. Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited
Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can't
spell?

*phone chimes*

[Text from Dan] I can't wait to meat your
friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah, I'm not sure.

What does a cannibal eat to freshen his breath? Men toes

A cannibal is on trial, and the judge asks him "What is your defence?" The cannibal responds by saying "You are what you eat."

Why should you never trust a cannibal to make dinner? They'll put blood, sweat and tears into it.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He flushed the toilet.

When a cannibal prepares to eat a nerd . . . He makes Dork Rinds

What do you serve a cannibal who is late for dinner? A cold shoulder

Why did the cannibal fly to Ireland? He wanted some McDonalds

What did the cannibal say after eating a vegetable ? .
.
.
.
.
What should I do with the wheelchair?

What do you call a happy cannibal in an arena? Glad he ate her

A cannibal who fried another mans testicles was convicted of trying to bribe members of the jury They didnt accept his teste-money

Why was the cannibal lion so humble? He swallowed his pride.

What do you call a cannibal who keeps taking bites out of his siblings? A munchkin

What do you call a cannibal who kerps taking bites out of his siblings? A munchkin.

A man showed up late to the bi-weekly cannibal dinner for the 3rd time. People were obviously quite annoyed, so he was given the cold shoulder.

What is a cannibal bank owner’s favorite food? The Nutella

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Long Cannibal Jokes

Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.

The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits.

The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal.

“You have to put all ten up your butt without making a noise or we’ll execute you.”

The man had no choice, so he starts putting the apples up his buy and gets to 4 before the pain is too much and he screams. The tribe executed him.

The 2nd guy comes back with berries. They tell him the same thing. He gets to 9 and is about to put the 10th in when he starts laughing hysterically. Executed.

The 1st and the 2nd guy are in the afterlife talking. The 1st says to the 2nd, “Why’d you laugh? You were so close?” And the 2nd guy says “Well, I saw the third and he had pineapples.”

Two Cannibals are Wandering the Jungle...

They come upon a big fat missionary and brain him with a rock. They're excited to have such a feast before them.

Being equitable to one another, as all cannibals are, they decide that one start at the feet and the other start at the head; they'll both work their way to the middle.

After a few minutes, the cannibal at the feet says to the other, "How are you enjoying the feast?"

The other replies, "I'm having a ball!"

The cannibal at the feet says, "You're eating too fast!"

Lost in Jungle

Three men who were lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him."You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied,"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Death by fruit.

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Cannibal Jokes...

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"



A cannibal invites a friend around for dinner. As they're tucking into the starter, the guest says
"Wow. Your wife make a lovely stew."
"I know." answers the host. "I sure will miss her."


Two cannibals are sharing a lost tourist.
"You start at the feet. I'll start at the head." says the first. After a little while he notices his friend hasn't said much. "You ok?" he asks.
"Fine." Comes the reply. "I'm having a ball."
"You're eating too fast."

Three men get lost in the forest and are found by a group of cannibals

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with **watermelons.**"

Three men who were lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals..

The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him."You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied,"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

A cannibal is on trial for murder and cannibalism...

He's called up to the witness stand and the prosecutor asks him if he pleads guilty or innocent.
"Innocent!" he says.
The prosecutor asks him to prove it.
The cannibal answers, "Well, you are what you eat, right? So I am an innocent man!"

A cannibal is teaching his son how to hunt ...

Hiding on top of a tree by a busy trail, the father and son are sizing up their potential meals. The son was always eager to jump whenever someone walks by, but always the patient father held him back for various reasons : too many ppl in a group. Too strong a target. Too risky etc.

Finally a thin frail old lady walked by alone, wobbling on her cane, ready for the picking. Excited for his first successful hunt, the son was ready to throw his spear when his dad stopped him,

"Patience son. Look at her. All sinew and bones. It won't make any meal for us and your mother.", Said the father, barely looking up from his perch.

Shortly after, a lone plump woman appeared, barely able to drag her weight along.

"How bout this dad ! She would feed us for weeks !" Chirped the young cannibal as he readies his spear. But again, the father stopped him.

"No son, the fats from her would be too unhealthy for us. We would die if we ate her. " explained the dad.

Finally, a stunning young lady appears, sashaying down the trail. The father straightened his posture, eyes lit up. The son sensing his father's readiness, brandished his spear and said,

"All right dad ! She's perfect. Not too thin or fat. Let's eat her !"

But again his dad stopped him.

"No! We capture her alive. We're eating your mom instead !"

Cannibal fruit

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

So this atheist explorer is in trouble...

...with a tribe of savage cannibals. He's cornered with no possible way out when he exclaims in his desperation 'God, I'm screwed!'

Suddenly the clouds part and a booming voice says 'No son, you are not. Take that rock near your right foot and throw it at that old cannibal with the large headdress!'

The explorer obeys, and the chief of the tribe lies dead on the ground.

The voice says 'NOW you're screwed!'

Three men shipwrecked

Three men are shipwrecked on an island infested with cannibals. They were brought to the cannibal king who tells the three men that they must complete a series of tests so that they will not be eaten. The first task, he tells them to bring back 10 pieces of the same fruit. So they go out to scavenger the island.

The first man brings back apples and is told for the next task, he must shove all 10 up his butt without a noise or emotion. He gets one and a half up there before he screams and gets killed and eaten.

The second man comes back with 10 berries and told of the same task. As he is about to get the 10th and final berry in, he bursts out in laughter and gets killed and eaten.

Up in heaven the first man meets the second man and asked why he laughed since he was so close to freedom. He replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the other guy walk in with pineapples."

Three men shipwreck on an island known for cannibals.

As they wander the jungle they are captured by these cannibals and put in a cage. The biggest and ugliest cannibal approaches the cage and says
"Now we're fun loving cannibals and we like to play games. We'll give you a chance to escape for our amusement, with one item of your choice. If you get to the beach, then you'll be taken back to society. If you fail we shall kill you, skin you, eat you, and turn you into a canoe. Good luck."
The first man wants to go the traditional route and chooses a gun. As he runs to the beach, he runs out of ammo and the cannibals catch him, skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The second man asks for a horse. They begrudgingly give him their only horse, and he rides towards the beach, but the cannibals spear him off the horse and skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The third man asks for a fork. The cannibals give him a funny look and fetch him a fork. The man begins to stab himself all over. The cannibals ask him why he's making their job easier and he yells
"Try and make a canoe out of me now!"

Two cannibals are chatting

and the first cannibal says "I killed and ate a missionary yesterday, but I think he gave me an upset stomach."
The second cannibal says "That's too bad. How'd you cook him?"
The first cannibal says "Oh, I threw him in the giant pot of boiling water like always."
The second cannibal says "Makes sense. And what did he look like?"
The first cannibal says "The usual. Brown robe, rope belt, sandals."
And the second cannibal says "Well there's your problem. You boiled him, and he was a friar."

Jokes so Bad that They're Funny

The midget psychic broke out of prison. He was a small medium at large.

A boiled egg in the morning is really hard to beat.

Newspaper headline reads: Cartoonist found dead at home. Details are sketchy.

I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forget how it goes.

Here's a poem by a dog (Bo Burnham): Roses are grey, violets are another shade of grey, let's go chase cars.

The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.

What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late? A cold shoulder.

(I'll see myself out.)

Two cannibals...

Two cannibals were sharing a meal one day. One started eating at the head, while the other started at the foot. After a little while one asked "How are you going?"

The other responded, "Man, I'm having a ball!"
To which the first cannibal said "Wow your eating super quick!"

Three explorers go into a jungle

Three explorers go into a jungle and get captured by a cannibal tribe. The cannibal tribe leader says they will release them if they can put ten fruits of the same kind in their butt holes without making a sound.

The first explorer got 10 apples, and began to scream in pain on his third apple, so they kill him.

The second explorer got 10 blueberries, and on his 9th blueberry, he began to laugh hysterically, so they killed him.

The second explorer meets the first explorer in heaven, and the first explorer asks "Why did you laugh? You could've survived and made it!"
The second explorer says "I saw the third explorer get pineapples!"

A cannibal took his young son for a walk in the jungle.

They came across a beautiful, naked girl lying asleep on the ground. The boy got excited and said, "Let's eat her now, Dad!" But the father said, "No, I have a better idea. Let's bring her home and eat your mother".

Three men are shipwrecked on an island infested with cannibals.

The cannibal king tells the three men that they must complete a test so that they may not be eaten.

He tells them to bring back 10 pieces of the same fruit. The first man brings back apples and is told he must shove all 10 up his butt without making a noise to pass the test. He gets half of one up there before he screams and gets cooked.

The second man comes back with rasberries. As he is about to get the 10th and final rasberry in, he bursts out and laughter and gets cooked.

Up in heaven the first man asks why the second laughed when he was so close. "I couldnt help but laugh when i saw the other guy walk in with pinapples." said the second man.

The Parrot in the Air

three men, an American, a Russian and a Frenchman are on a safari lost in Africa, when suddenly they get captured by a tribe of cannibals. The cannibal chieftain makes them a deal, if they can shoot his pet parrot out of the sky after consuming an alcoholic beverage, then they can go free. They each get one shot at it.

The American thinks he is the best shot so he goes first, he chugs a 6 pack of beer and he aims his rifle carefully. He shoots... and misses. The cannibals take him away and eat him.

The Frenchman goes next and he asks for a box of wine. he drinks the whole thing, staggers to his feet and aims carefully... and he misses. The cannibals drag him away and eat him.

The Russian steps up to the plate, he orders a bottle of vodka. He drinks the whole thing, staggers to his feet and leans against a tree carefully. He points the gun into the air and shoots. The parrot falls dead out of the sky. The chieftain asks him how he did it and the Russian responds:

"How can I miss when I have 2 rifles, and a sky full of parrots!"

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