Monkey Jokes

Contents

Funniest Monkey Jokes

If you give a monkey a typewriter, it will eventually write Shakespeare... ...If you give a monkey a camcorder, it will eventually film a dead body and post it to the internet.

Funny Monkey Jokes

Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away His funfair will be held next Monkey

What do you call a monkey holding a fire cracker? A Baboom!

Two monkeys entered a bath. Monkey 1: Oooh oooh oooh aaah aaah aaah
Monkey 2: Calm down, it isn't that hot

The creator of predictive text died today His funfair is next monkey

The guy who invented predictive text died last night... his funfair is next monkey

What type of key opens a banana? A Monkey :3

It's true that the Russians where the first to send a dog into space It's also true that the Russians were first to put a monkey into the white house

Two monkeys are sitting in a bath... One monkey says “oooh oooh aaah aaah!”

The other says “put some cold water in then!”

What do you call a monkey terrorist? A Baboom!

I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, & mentally challenged sister... It was wrong on so many levels.

A young muslim couple go out hunting and shoot a monkey The woman asks, "Shall we eat him?"

The man replies, "No, that's haram, bae!"

Why do elephants paint their balls red? So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

A monkey eating cherries.

Given infinite time, a million monkeys with a million typewriters will eventually become a very creepy room filled with an equal count of typewriters and monkey skeletons

What do you call a monkey that stepped on a minefield? A Ba-boom

Two monkeys sit in a bath One monkey says: "OOOH OOOH AAAH AAAH AAH OOH"

The other monkey then says: "Well put some cold water in then."

What do you call a monkey holding a stick of dynamite? A Baboom!

One monkey says to another monkey, “what rhymes with Banana” and the other monkey says “No it doesn’t.”

A major study found that Humans eat more Bananas than Monkeys I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey

Just saw an ape and a monkey debating what the correct way to refer to them is. I think they're just arguing simiantics.

Last Halloween Last Halloween, I went to a costume party. I spot a guy dressed in a monkey costume with a jar of peanut butter in one hand and a chocolate bar in the other. I asked him what he was dressed as, and he replied, "Me? I am a Reese's Monkey."

What did the monkey say when he was on a winning streak? I've banana roll lately.

Why couldn't the monkey use the barbecue? He wasn't a grill'a

What kind of monkey can fly? A hot air baboon!

What kind of monkey is the biggest coward? A chim-PANSY

Why did the monkey and Jane fight over Tarzan? Because they heard that he swings both ways.

A man went back to a pet store fuming. "Excuse me," he said to the pet shop owner. "That trained monkey you sold me yesterday died!"

"Wow," the owner replied. "He could never do that trick when I owned him."

What do you call a monkey in a mine field Rhesus pieces.

What do you call an experimental monkey in a blender? Rhesus pieces........

What key opens a banana? A monkey

Which monkey can fly? A hot air baboon!

What do you call a monkey named James that's afraid of everything? Jim-pansy

Everyone knows the Russians were the first to put a dog into space. Now people know they are also the first to put a monkey in the White House.

What do you call a monkey in the Arctic? Lost.

I saw the most disgusting thing today: a strip club across the street from a playground. Just trying to enjoy the day with my family while losers are swinging on monkey bars 50 feet away.

First time posting here. I always found this f$%#ed up, but hilarious. Q: Why did Lucy fall off the monkey bars?

A: She's got no arms

Me: Knock Knock

Them: Whose there?

Me: Not Lucy.

what did the depressed monkey say when his tail went through the lawnmower? It won't be long now...

Why was the monkey attracted to the paint? Cuz it was yellow and appealing!


Sorry if this is bad. Seen too many of the same jokes here and I wanted to add an original joke.

What do you call a monkey that likes to gossip? A blaboon.

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New Monkey Jokes

A monkey is smoking a joint. Once he's done, he turns off the barbecue, sits down to eat it and chokes on the kneecap.



Betcha thought it would be repost ;)

What did the monkey do when he saw the rabbit? Painted his balls orange to look like a carrot!

What did the monkey say when the lawnmower ran over his tail? It won't be long now.

what makes an owl and a proboscis monkey special? who knows

Monkey and the Password Only the monkey knew the admin password in office. One day, it did not show up for work. Office workers recoiled in horror. An irate client demanded: "When can you ship this consignment?" Shrugged the manager: "No monkey, no talk!"

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

... Peer pressure

What sort of monkey flies? A hot air baboon.

R.I.P. The bloke who invented predictive text died last week. His funfair is next monkey and may he rust in piss.

This one just came from my 3 year old, she’s still learning jokes: What do you call a monkey on a swing? A monkey going “wee-wee”

Normally her jokes don’t make *any* sense, but this one actually made us laugh

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead!

​

Just kidding. He was born without arms.

What's it called when a Howler Monkey breaks its tail? Incomprehensile.

Why did the monkey want his grandkids to call him Papa? Because he didn't want to banana

There's a primate military-industrial complex, you know They engage in gorilla warfare to preserve the interests of monkey business

What do you call a monkey that works with hookers? A Pimpanzee

What do you call a monkey that's a fan of The Office? A Jim-Pam-zee.

One of the most famous middle eastern jokes. Two guys were taking walking in a jungle and they spotted a monkey on the top of the tree.

Guy1: what's your dad doing on top of the tree?

Guy2: he's waiting for your mom

What do you call a monkey in a mine field? A babooooom!

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He had a heart attack.

​

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

He was holding on to the first monkey.

​

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure

What did the monkey say when he was kicked between the legs? Oh macaque!

What type of monkey goes into a mine field? A baboon


haha im so funny

Last night my wife said she was going to divorce me because I act like a monkey I handled it like a chimp

What's invisible, and smells like bananas? Monkey farts

why did the monkey cross the road? he was going bananas!

Monkey see, monkey do. Honey see, Honeydew.

I was walking through the jungle when I noticed a monkey holding a can opener "You can't open a banana with a can opener"
I said
"I know" he replied,
"this is for the custard"

What do you call a monkey walking over a minefield? A Baboom!

What do you get when you cross a lab monkey and a bully? I don’t know, but it’s about to beat you after Rhesus..

Disclaimer: Took this one from r/adviceanimals

What do you call troubles in the banana trade? Monkey business in the stalk market.

Comorbidity Why did the monkey fall out the tree?

Because they was dead.

Why did the chicken fall out of the tree?

Because they was stapled to the monkey.

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

Why did the chicken cross the monkey bars? To get to the other slide

Why did the monkey walk to school by himself? He had no primates.

What do you call a monkey eating a pavlova? A meringutan

I'm not monkeying around! What do you call it when a monkey does Xanax?

Monkey bars

What do you call it when a monkey feels sorry for another monkey?

Chimpathetic

Where do monkeys get drunk? Monkey bars

I told my girlfriend that she looks like a monkey And she went bananas

2 Monkeys in a bath Two monkeys are in a bath.

The first monkey yells Ooo, ooo, ooo, Arrr, arrr, arr, eee, eee, eee. (As monkeys do).

The second monkey says...........

If the water is too hot, put some cold in it.

What do you call a monkey thats been ripped to shreds? Rhesus pieces

What do you call a monkey ripped into shreds? Rhesus pieces

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It died.

I tried to teach a monkey new words by writing them on gigantic beach balls. Sadly he just couldn't get a grip on them.

Popular Topics

Long Monkey Jokes

not for the easily offended - one of my favorites

Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two. "See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."

So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.

Not wanting to be a jerk he says, "You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?"

Smiling she agrees and they have a great time.

After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the table, he asks her if she's got a ride home.

She tells him, "no but I can call someone to pick me up."

Trying to be nice he tells her "nonsense I'll give you a ride!"

On the ride they're laughing and getting along well and she tells him, "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and am not ready for the night to end yet, why don't you pull over at that park and we can talk."

They pull over and are talking for a while, when she finally kisses him.

"I'm sorry," she blushes, "you're just so nice and I like you."

"it's perfectly fine." he smiles.

"Would you like to make love to me?" she asks. He agrees and they start going at it, but with her legs it's hard to do in the truck.

She thinks and says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way."

So they go at it, finish up and he drives her home.

After he wheels her to the door her dad comes out.

"Come here boy," he says, gesturing him over.

Worried, he walks over, "uhh yes sir?"

"I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I haven't seen her smile like that in years."

Feeling guilty, he says, "It's no big deal I was glad to do it."

"No no," her father replies, "you don't understand, you're a good man, most guys just leave her hanging in the park."

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard "What's the matter with you!?" The lizard explains that he was up in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"

The monkey looks down and says "OMG! DUUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“Now what?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me"


So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”

The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK DUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"

Okay - I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Ok - I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once the leopard is in earshot, the dachshund sighs contentedly and says to himself, "My, that was one tasty leopard." And not being of the brightest variety, the leopard immediately high-tails it out of the area.

A monkey had been watching all this go down, and, being the cheeky rascal of the jungle, decides to spill the beans to the leopard. Swinging through the trees, he eventually catches up to the leopard, and tells him that there's no way that little dog could have eaten an entire leopard. The leopard sees he's made a fool of himself, vows revenge, and tells the monkey to hop on his back to come watch.

A few minutes later, the dachshund sees them approaching. As they get closer, he taps his foot in apparent irritation and mutters to himself,

"Where's that daggum monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to fetch me another leopard!"

Human Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

A man and a monkey walk into a bar.

The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar and eats a very old olive that was sitting there.

The bartender says, "Did you see what your monkey did? He ate that disgusting olive!"

The man says, "Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it."

The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.

A couple days later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the pool table and swallows the cue ball.

The bartender says, "Did you see what your monkey did? He swallowed the cue ball!"

The man says, "Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it."

The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.

A week later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar, picks up a cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender says, "That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Your monkey stuck that cherry up his butt and ate it."

The man says, "Yeah, ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."

A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.

A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch.

The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, two kids, and a monkey.

He asks the money, not expecting much, what had happened the monkey responds with a gesture of crashing. So he asks further.

“What was the Father doing?” The monkey scratches his head, nods and does a drinking gesture.

“Oh so he was drinking?” The monkey nods his head excitedly.

The officer asks, “what was the Mother doing?”
The monkey thinks for a moment, and does a mouth talking gesture.

“Bitching?” The cop guessed. The monkey with a smile nods his head in excitement.

“What were the kids doing?” The money thinks a moment and starts hitting the air.

“So they were fighting?” The monkey nods his head.

Then the officer asked, “What were you doing”

Without hesitation the monkey smiles making a steering wheel gesture.

A man decides to go to a safari.

He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Oh boy, I'm in deep stuff now." Then he notices some bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So off he goes. But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures that something is amiss. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog's ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Hop on my back, monkey, and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine. "Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Oh boy, it looks like I've really had it now."

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the monkey and pretends that he hasn't seen them. And just when they get close enough to hear him, the dog says... "Where is that monkey? .. I sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he's still not back."

The meaning of life....

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

The dog & the leopard

A man decided to go on a safari. He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Oh boy, I'm in deep stuff now." Then he notices some bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So off he goes. But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures that something is amiss. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog's ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Hop on my back, monkey, and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine. "Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Oh boy, it looks like I've really had it now."

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the monkey and pretends that he hasn't seen them. And just when they get close enough to hear him, the dog says... "Where is that monkey? .. I sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he's still not back."

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs

She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

When I get a few beers in me I tell a lot of these jokes very fast without pausing for laughter or criticism

What's the difference between an elephant and a plum? The color

What did Jane say to Tarzan when the elephants were coming? The elephants are coming

What did Tarzan say to Jane when the Elephants were coming? The Plums are coming (He was color blind)

How do you kill a Blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a purple elephant? no, that's a plum

How do you kill a red elephant? Hold it's Trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with the blue elephant gun.

How many elephants can you fit into a nissan sentra? 5, 2 in the front three in the back.

How can you tell there's an elephant in the fridge? His footprints are in the peanut butter

How can you tell when there are two elephants in your fridge? they giggle when the light goes off

How can you tell when there are three elephants in your fridge? you can't close the door so easily.

How can you tell when there are four elephants in your fridge? I don't know

How can you tell when there are five elephants in your fridge? There's an empty nissan sentra parked outside.

Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? So they can jump in the trees and rape the monkeys.

What's the most terrifying noise a monkey can hear? Boing Boing..

... I sadly have way more of these.

Edit 1: no changes. Just wanted to thank everyone here for having the same weird sense of humor that made my family get me tested for learning disabilities.

A Dog and a Leopard

A man decided to go on a safari. He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, “Oh boy, I’m in deep stuff now.” Then he notices some bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew”, says the leopard. “That was close. That dog nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So off he goes. But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures that something is amiss. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog’s ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Hop on my back, monkey, and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine. “Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “Oh boy, it looks like I’ve really had it now.”

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the monkey and pretends that he hasn’t seen them. And just when they get close enough to hear him, the dog says… “Where is that monkey? .. I sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he’s still not back.”

Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two

"See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."

So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.

Not wanting to be a jerk he says, "You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?"

Smiling she agrees and they have a great time.

After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the table, he asks her if she's got a ride home.

She tells him, "no but I can call someone to pick me up."

Trying to be nice he tells her "nonsense I'll give you a ride!"

On the ride they're laughing and getting along well and she tells him, "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and am not ready for the night to end yet, why don't you pull over at that park and we can talk."

They pull over and are talking for a while, when she finally kisses him.

"I'm sorry," she blushes, "you're just so nice and I like you."

"it's perfectly fine." he smiles.

"Would you like to make love to me?" she asks. He agrees and they start going at it, but with her legs it's hard to do in the truck.

She thinks and says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way."

So they go at it, finish up and he drives her home.

After he wheels her to the door her dad comes out.

"Come here boy," he says, gesturing him over.

Worried, he walks over, "uhh yes sir?"

"I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I haven't seen her smile like that in years."

Feeling guilty, he says, "It's no big deal I was glad to do it."

"No no," her father replies, "you don't understand, you're a good man, most guys just leave her hanging in the park."

A girl realized that she had grown hair.....

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs...

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said: "That part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair"

The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair"

Her sister smiled and said: "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

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