Hilarious Guitar Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Long Guitar Jokes

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

*****

Obligatory "thank's for the gold" edit. I'm glad you all enjoyed this joke so much.

A horse named Boris.

Once upon a time, there was a horse named Boris.

Boris used to be a famous race horse. He'd won countless trophies, and was famous across the world.

Then, suddenly, at the peak of his career, Boris was involved in a horrible accident. Between races his private jet was hijacked and crashed, and only Boris survived. However, Boris was devastated. His friends, his family, and his colleagues had all been lost on one fell swoop.

"I'll never race again!" he vowed.

So Boris quit his job, and found an old farmer who agreed to take him in. Old Farmer John was his name, and he loved Boris like a son.

However, the incident in Boris' past had led him to a life of recluse. He was fearful that everything would go wrong again, and so he spent every day in the barn.

And Old Farmer John took pity on Boris, and so he decided something.

Every week, Old Farmer John would go onto the town to sell his produce. And every week, he would set aside a small amount of money for Boris.

And every week, he would buy Boris a present, in the hope that one day, he'd be reminded of the wonderful life outside the barn, and he'd be happy again.

One thing he bought Boris was a CD player.

Another was a brand new computer..

But the best thing he ever gave to Boris was this:

Ten gallons of beer.

Let me explain.

On his many trips to town, Old Farmer John would pass a pub. It was called The Fine Race Horse, and among those who drank there, it was famed for having the best beer... In the world.

But it was only a small pub, and as such it wasn't visited by very many people, and it one day went out of business.

And when Old Farmer John heard this, he immediately got up and went into town, and spoke to the old owner. And John agreed to buy all his remaining beer.

And so, John came back from town one day, and gave Boris the beer. He'd never seen Boris so happy. It made his heart rejoice.

And for months, Boris would talk about this beer, and how it was the best gift he'd ever been given.

But one day, Old Farmer John came home with a brand new guitar. And Boris remembered the CD player he'd been given, and he remembered his favourite songs.

And Boris picked up the guitar, and he began to play a song.

And he was __good__.

And after hearing his song, John went over to Boris and said

"that was the best thing I've ever heard. You should go out into town and see the record company about starting a band!"

At first, Boris was hesitant. But eventually, he decided that Old Farmer John was right. He'd been his barn for so long. But now it was time for him to rise to fame again!

So he packed a few things, and grabbed his guitar and got on the next bus into town.

And on the way, he met a pig.

The pig's name was David, and David could play the drums.

And just like Boris, David the pig was on his way into town trying to make his name as a musician.

So Boris said

"hey, why don't we team up and make a band, after all, we're both animals with a talent. We could be the next big thing!"

And David agreed, and the two of them continued on into town.

At the next stop, a Hen got onto the bus. And her name was Sophie, and Sophie liked to sing.

She knew all the words to all the songs in the world.

And so, Boris the Horse and David the Pig went over to Sophie the Hen and said

"hey, why don't we team up and make a band, after all, we're all animals with a talent. We could be the next big thing!"

And Sophie agreed, and the three of them went to the record store, and started their band.

And they were an instant hit. They became a worldwide phenomenon almost overnight. They scored TV deals and sponsorships, and once again Boris had reached the life of fame.

They toured with all sorts of other famous bands, appearing alongside the likes of The Rolling Stones and Electric Light Orchestra.

And then, one day, they got the biggest deal of their lives.

They got invited to go on a world tour. They would play their music in every country on earth. By the time they were done, the whole world would know their name.

And so, of they went, from one country to the next, playing their music every step of the way.

They played in every city and in every town. And the Horse, the Hen and the Pig became a household name.

And when they got back home, they knew, they had reached the peak of their careers.

And they kept touring, playing in many countries across the globe.

But one day, everything changed.

One day, before they were set to fly out for their next performance, Boris received a phone call from the hospital in his home town.

And he found out that Old Farmer John had passed away.

So he decided to head back home so could Bury the man he treated like a father. So he said to Sophie and David

"you go on ahead, I'll be with you in a day or two."

So the pig and the hen went of in their private jet, and Boris the Horse went home to Bury Old Farmer John.

But when he got home, he was in for a shock.

He received a call from his agent, and discovered that the private jet that David and Sophie were on had exploded in a freak accident, and there were no survivors.

And Boris was struck with grief.

For the second time in his life, he had lost everyone he loved.

And he became depressed, and stumbled into his old barn, and decided to take his own life.

But then he saw something that stopped him.

Because in the old barn, was the huge tank that once contained the 10 gallons of beer.

And so, Boris decided that instead of suicide, he would have a few drinks, and would go on and turn his life around.

So Boris goes into town, and sees the pub, The Fine Race Horse, and underneath the sign on the door, he sees another sign, saying "grand re-opening."

And Boris knows that this is where he will have his beers, and forget all his sorrows, and turn his life around.

And so Boris the Horse enters the bar. And the bartender takes a look at him, and he asks

"why the long face?"

I played for a homeless mans funeral

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Old Russian joke

A young guy is drafted into the army, he pleads to the Chief Enlistment Officer:

Conscript - I beg you, tell them I'm unfit for duty and I'l give you $1000!

Officer - You're not lying to me are you? Alright, meet me at the cemetery at 2AM with the money.

The conscript arrives the cemetery precisely at 2AM and sees the officer standing on one leg on top of a grave, the officer is naked, playing a guitar and singing songs. He sees the conscript, gets off the grave, takes his money and tells him: Tomorrow at 10 AM come to the draft committee and I will make sure you won't be drafted.

The following day the conscript stands in front the draft committee:

Officer - You're now enlisted in the navy for 2 years! The conscript almost has a heart attack.

Conscript - How could this be? Last night I met the chief enlistment officer and gave him $1000, you can't draft me!

Officer - This is slander! You didn't give me anything!

Conscript - I did! You were naked, standing on one leg on top of a grave in the cemetery, singing songs all night and playing the guitar!

Officer - Comrades and members of the committee, it's obvious this man is insane! We can't enlist him in the navy, he has to be forbidden to join the military!

Conversation between a fisherman and an MBA graduate

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed. "I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "Fifteen or twenty years."

"But what then, señor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions, señor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

As a guitarist, I sometimes get asked to play for people.

Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man at 11am.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery on the far outskirts of town..

As I was not familiar with the remote areas, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently left and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn’t know what else to do. I felt terrible having missed this poor man's service. So I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together. It was somber, and yet, we were together as one.

When I finished, I packed up my guitar and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

“I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I was still lost…

A horse is bored, so he's sitting at home watching MTV

This was back when MTV played music videos. So, he's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

The American businessman and the Mexican fisherman.

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.

The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children,
take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed. "I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.

You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to
Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The fisherman asked, "But how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "Fifteen or 20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends."

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So the horse realizes he is beginning to get good at the guitar. He starts learning his favorite songs, and it gets to the point that his friends encourage him to start playing live. So he starts playing guitar at various clubs, performing covers of The Strokes and Radiohead. His favorite song to cover was Beck's "Loser". Eventually, he got bored of playing alone. He felt limited by his instrument. He recruited his friends to form a band; a chicken that played bass, a pig that played drums, and a cow that sang. Now they had a full band, and they called themselves "The Animals". They began practicing in the horse's garage, and they began writing their own songs. After a couple years playing gigs in the local bars, they meet the Lamb, who had some basic recording equipment. He helps them cut a few demos, and he sends them around to the minor labels. They get picked up by Barnyard Records, and they began recording an album. It gets released, and it becomes popular in the musical underground. However, the Horse began getting cocky. He started drinking, and he began verbally abusing members of the band when they messed up during rehearsals. Eventually, the rest of the band had enough and asked him to leave. Feeling betrayed by his own friends, yet guilty for having caused his own suffering, he heads to the bar to drink his problems away. The horse enters the bar, and the bartender asks "why the long face?"

Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made him a very wealthy man.

One day, the farmer's child leaves his guitar outside as his mother calls him for dinner. Curiously, the gang of animals approaches the instrument. The pig picks it up and strums tentatively trying to mimic what he saw the boy doing. He finds that he is a natural and when the farmer hears - he instantly sees the business potential.

So the very next day, the farmer buys a drum-set, bass and another guitar and hands one to each of the animals. The horse himself took a liking to guitar whilst the sheep took the drums, leaving the cow on bass guitar. By sheer narrative convenience, all the animals showed prodigious skill at their respective instruments and became proficient players very quickly. The horse, with his gravelly melancholic voice assumed the role of vocalist.

Their first gig was a roaring success and set them on the road for superstardom. It turned out that the saturated music market had a niche for a band of rock playing animals. Within weeks, they had released their first album and planned on doing a world tour. Tickets at every destination sell out almost instantly.

The first half of their tour was uneventful, however, the horse - not used to the pressures of being a celebrity- began to use alcohol as escapism. He told himself he was in control but the other bandmembers noticed his problem and grew increasingly worried for the horse.

One fateful night, the tourbus loses control on the tarmac and slips off the road into a sharp valley - everybody is killed but the horse. He stumbles out of the wreckage and begins searching for his friends and every corpse he stumbles across breaks him even more.

The funeral was a dull affair and despite their stardom, few people turned up. The horse wept bitterly for his friends who he thought deserved a better farewell. Turning and leaving the procession, he wanders aimlessly into the city.

Day quickly turns into night and a storm approaches. The horse hears the thunder in the distance, but he keeps walking like a man without cause. As the first drop begin to fall, the horse spies the neon lights of a bar which promise a warm refuge away from the rain and more importantly, his grief.

So, the horse walks into the bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. But for the first time in my career, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone, the hearse nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept; we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost…

This horse is sitting at home one day watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

A girl was going to study for her AP exams... [long]

A girl was starting to study for her AP exams, and her parents bought her a new calculator to help her out. The next day, she took the calculator in to class and started using it. The moment she started hitting the keys, she heard a guitar playing country music. Startled, she stopped and put it back in her bag. During a break, she investigated further. She keyed in 2+2 and the guitar started again.

That’s odd, she thought, but I’m sure it’s nothing. It’s just a little annoying.

She went on to do her homework with the device, but by the end of the day, she was so sick of it playing music that she decided to take it to a service shop.

“Can I help you?” asked the employee.

“My parents gave this to me yesterday. It’s brand new, but I think there’s something wrong with it,” she said as she handed the calculator over.

The employee pressed a few buttons and guitar began. When he stopped, the music stopped as well.

“What’s the problem?” he asked.

This took the girl by surprise. “Well, it’s the music.”

“Okay,” replied the employee.

This has to be a joke, she thought, and continued: “I started doing addition and subtraction and it started playing some country music.”

“Okay,” he replied again.

“And then I tried multiplication and division, and I know this sounds crazy, but a fiddle joined in.”

“Right.”

“By the time I got to my actual calculus work, I swear it was playing zydeco!”

“Well, I don’t really see the problem then,” he said, handing it back. “It’s not going to sing for you. It’s a Texas Instrumental.”

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. (xpost from funny)

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

An American investment banker

was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied: “Only a little while."



The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish?



The Mexican said he has enough to support his family’s immediate needs.



The American then asked: “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”



The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”



The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “15 – 20 years.”

“But what then?” asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions!”

“Millions – then what?”

The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

A poor man fall asleep one night and the devil appears in his dream

The devil says to him "I shall grant you any worldly wish you desire but at a price"

The poor man asks "I've only got my six string and very little money, however I can earn money if I play guitar well. So I wish to be the greatest guitar player the world has ever seen."

The devil replies "the price for that is merely your human soul."

The man thinks for a moment and responds "that's a lot to lose. I don't think I'm willing to pay that. What can I get for a dollar?"

The devil responds "the greatest bass player"

An American investment banker was taking a much-needed vacation

An American investment banker was taking a much-needed vacation in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. The boat had several large, fresh fish in it.

The investment banker was impressed by the quality of the fish and asked the Mexican how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, “Only a little while.” The banker then asked why he didn’t stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican fisherman replied he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.

The American then asked “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman replied, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos: I have a full and busy life, senor.”

The investment banker scoffed, “I am an Ivy League MBA, and I could help you. You could spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats until eventually you would have a whole fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to the middleman you could sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You could control the product, processing and distribution.”

Then he added, “Of course, you would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City where you would run your growing enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But senor, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “15-20 years.”

“But what then?” asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You could make millions.”

“Millions, senor? Then what?”

To which the investment banker replied, “Then you would retire. You could move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

The bell ringer (long joke)

A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is." .. So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. Bishop: "Ok, show me your plan."

The hunchback runs and jumps at the bell, striking it with his head. Sure enough, he rings the bell. The bishop asks him, "How did you learn to ring the bell like this?" The hunchback replies, "Actually, I first learned on the guitar," and walks over to a guitar on the wall and starts banging his head on it, and Lo! Beautiful music comes out.

So despite his misgivings, the bishop hired the hunchback to ring the bell.

Every day the hunchback comes in and rings the bell. One day, the hunchback decides to try to ring the bell louder. He goes to the farthest corner of the tower, and runs as fast as he can toward the bell. When he jumps up and hits it with his head, the bell rings clear and loud. Unfortunately, the hunchback hit the bell so hard he's a little groggy. He staggers around a bit, and falls out a window to the street below.

A crowd gathers around the hunchback's mangled body lying in the street; the bishop goes out to investigate the commotion.

The policeman arrives and again asks: "Who is this guy?" The bishop replies: "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.



In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says

"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to learn how to play the guitar, but the issue is, I'm a horse. Can you help me?"
The music teacher says, "Not a problem, I've taught many animals to play instruments before, this'll be nothing."



After months of practice, the Horse gets really good at guitar.



Horse soon realizes that the music video had 4 people in it, and to recreate it, he would need help from his friends.

So he calls up his friend Duck and says, "Duck, I saw this really cool music video on line that I want to recreate. I learned how to play guitar and I want you to learn the keyboard."



Sure enough, Duck gets the contact information from Horse of the man who taught him to play guitar and calls him up.



"Hi, I heard that you taught my friend Horse how to play guitar, and I was wondering if you could teach me how to play keyboard? There's an issue though, I'm a duck."



The man replies "Sure! I taught Horse to play guitar, surely I can teach you how to play keyboard."

After a few more months of lessons and practicing, Horse and Duck are really good at guitar and keyboard.



Remembering that they needed 4 people, they called up their friend Cat.



"Hey cat, we need more people to recreate this music video and we want you to learn how to play drums," so Cat calls the music teacher and says, "Hey, I wanna learn drums, I know you taught Horse to play guitar, and Duck to play keyboard, and I'm a cat. Can you help?"

The teacher says, "Sure! I can teach any animal to play any instrument.



As figured, the three animals are practicing and taking lessons and they all get very good at their instruments.



Finally, they realized they needed a fourth person for their band, so they call their friend pig and give him the rundown.



Horse calls him and says, "Pig look, the three of us can all play the guitar, drums, and keyboard, now we just need you to play bass," so of course, pig calls the music teacher and says, "Hey, I wanna learn how to play the bass, I know you taught Horse to play guitar, and Duck to play keyboard, and Cat to play the drums, and I'm a pig. Can you help?"\\



"Of course!," he says. "I can teach any animal to play any instrument.



It's been around a year at this point, and the animals are finally ready to recreate the music video.



Horse sets up the recording equipment at his house, and they successfully recreate the music video and upload it to the internet, and it is a HUGE hit.



After millions of views on their now viral music video, they get a call from a talent agency. They schedule a meeting, and at the meeting, the manager says, "Guys look, you're 4 animals who can all play instruments and sing, you are obviously very intelligent and we want to send you on tour."

The animals are ecstatic, and accept the offer.



After just a few short months of the 4 animals being on tour, they are very popular.



One day, while on tour, Horse gets a phone call from the manager.

"Horse, look. We just received word that your grandmother is in the hospital dying and we think it'd be best if you flew back home to see her." Horse regretfully obliges and has his understudy fill in for him while he's gone.



Horse gets to the hospital back home to find that his beloved grandmother is already dead, with no known final words or will.



Horse is devastated, after flying back all that way for her to just be dead.



Horse has been sitting in the hospital for a couple hours at this point, trying to help as he can with the issue at hand. In the middle of the chaos, Horse gets another phone call from his manager.



"Horse, look. I heard that your grandmother just died and I'm very sorry, but I have more tragic news. The tour bus with all of your friends, roadies, and understudies has flipped and no one survived. I'm very sorry."

Horse is obviously in hysterics at this point, and is on the verge of going mad. After he calms down, and some time passes, horse decides to head to a local club to take his mind off of things.



The horse walks into the club, walks up to the bar, and the bartender says, "Hey Horse, why the long face?"



Guitar Jokes

Funniest Guitar Jokes

New Guitar Jokes