Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.
*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working
If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.
Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet? When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators
What is a Karen called in Europe? An American.
Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying? Midlife crisis
This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing
When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message
Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons. If they acquire my parent's divorce they will own my entire childhood.
The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens. Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
If Facebook buys Gmail, instead of 'mark as read' the feature will be called, 'Mark has read'.
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal Elongate would be really drawn out.
A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...
...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.
Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. I lost Interest in that relationship.
R Kelly is really changing the rap game He takes the art out of rap artist
Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor
"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!" "Mister President, we've been over this..."
As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you... “School” is my answer
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number. I told her we use names here.
If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "BOOM"
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on. I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction.
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678
Edit: Holy moly! Wake up to a shiny gold. Thank you kind stranger.
My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.
All countries eventually got coronavirus But China got it right off the bat.
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack. Those damn moose limbs.
Why is EA the worst gaming company in America? Because Ubisoft is in France.
Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context." Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."
Joke I heard from a 99 year old Holocaust survivor A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall On the condition he gets to install windows.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable. He’s explaining Facebook to old people.
Why will the congress never impeach Trump? Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors
1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?
Because it’s always too soon.
^(i feel bad)
I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with. She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.
But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.
Why will congress never impeach Trump? Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.
Vegans think butchers are gross But people who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show. I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt
He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy
TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once Whoops, wrong sub
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat! In the end, he came around.
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the schools are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people Pun in, 10 dead
What Asian stereo type do you hear the most? Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
My boss: “You’re fired.”
Me: *turns in gun and badge*
My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel. My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for He said 'Genius'
My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing. So I took down his confederate flag.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
H: Charity, 4 letters.
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
My wife left me because I'm too insecure.
No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.
I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.
Edit:*Wow thanks for the gold
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction, and name it ElonGate.
We should've known communism would fail. There were a lot of red flags.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?
^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke
How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.
Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar... I don’t remember the rest.
TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic
Because they are more likely to be dead
EDIT: Wow. Now I understand RIP inbox.
My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid. Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.
Hey girl, are you a cop? ... because you’ve taken my breath away.
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona By keeping the first one going
PETA is like a box of chocolates They kill dogs
I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough. Turns out my parents weren't even related.
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN you get them VERY ANGRY
Without the Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11. We would have IX/XI instead
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head? Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don't.
If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”
Wife: “No you’re not.”
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Thank god I live in Canada
The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “papers?”
I said, “ Scissors, I win” and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he’s been chasing me for 45 minutes.
Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law. It took half a century but Hippies finally won.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Why are people complaining,what EA did was great! I mean, you've got to give them credit.
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump... But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
I asked my mum "How much is a couple?"
"2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
A dyslexic man stormed Area 15
Authorities didn't press charges, saying "they felt bad"
They thought a long sentence was the last thing he needed
Girls who talks about girls' problems are great. But girls who talk about environment protection are Greta.
Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped. Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
I never understood school shooting jokes I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...