Funniest Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

Score: 61413

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

Score: 47756

V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

Score: 47510

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

Score: 38709

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

Score: 37318

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

Score: 35246

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet? When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

Score: 34987

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

Score: 34549

What is a Karen called in Europe? An American.

Score: 34023

Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying? Midlife crisis

Score: 33326

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

Score: 32090

When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message

Score: 31103

Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons. If they acquire my parent's divorce they will own my entire childhood.

Score: 30627

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens. Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

Score: 30558

If Facebook buys Gmail, instead of 'mark as read' the feature will be called, 'Mark has read'.

Score: 30162

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal Elongate would be really drawn out.

Score: 30047

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

Score: 29416

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

Score: 28934

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. I lost Interest in that relationship.

Score: 28868

R Kelly is really changing the rap game He takes the art out of rap artist

Score: 28395

Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor

Score: 27688

"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!" "Mister President, we've been over this..."

Score: 27597

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you... “School” is my answer

Score: 27388

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number. I told her we use names here.

Score: 27217

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "BOOM"

Score: 26714

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

Score: 26303

If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on. I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

Score: 26256

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction.

Score: 26171

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888 So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

Edit: Holy moly! Wake up to a shiny gold. Thank you kind stranger.

R.I.P inbox.

Score: 25791

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

Score: 25751

All countries eventually got coronavirus But China got it right off the bat.

Score: 25702

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack. Those damn moose limbs.

Score: 25695

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America? Because Ubisoft is in France.

Score: 25647

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context." Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

Score: 25346

Joke I heard from a 99 year old Holocaust survivor A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

Score: 25110

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall On the condition he gets to install windows.

Score: 24965

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

Score: 24914

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable. He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

Score: 24866

Why will the congress never impeach Trump? Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

Score: 24708

The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors 1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

Score: 24678

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

Score: 24660

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

Score: 24614

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with. She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

Score: 24421

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump. But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

EDIT: epic

Score: 24109

Why will congress never impeach Trump? Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

Score: 23865

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

Score: 23830

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Score: 23322

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.

Score: 23170

Vegans think butchers are gross But people who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer

Score: 23095

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show. I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

Score: 23065

My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry... Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt

​

He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

Score: 22992

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once Whoops, wrong sub

Score: 22839

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat! In the end, he came around.

Score: 22838

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?” “No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).

Score: 22674

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

Score: 22559

Virginity in school Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the schools are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

Score: 22557

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”. ​

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

Score: 22547

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people Pun in, 10 dead

Score: 22408

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most? Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

Score: 22308

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.

Score: 22302

My boss: “You’re fired.” Me: *turns in gun and badge*



My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

Score: 22284

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel. My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.

Score: 22276

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice... Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

Score: 22270

Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for He said 'Genius'

Score: 22252

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing. So I took down his confederate flag.

Score: 22119

Husband doing crossword with his wife Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

Score: 21999

My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

Score: 21887

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"

Score: 21881

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet... I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

Edit:*Wow thanks for the gold

Score: 21880

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction, and name it ElonGate.

Score: 21757

We should've known communism would fail. There were a lot of red flags.

Score: 21753

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake? Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

Score: 21742

How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

Score: 21727

Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar... I don’t remember the rest.

Score: 21665

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead

EDIT: Wow. Now I understand RIP inbox.

Score: 21643

My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid. Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.

Score: 21609

Hey girl, are you a cop? ... because you’ve taken my breath away.

Score: 21550

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona By keeping the first one going

Score: 21546

PETA is like a box of chocolates They kill dogs

Score: 21517

I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough. Turns out my parents weren't even related.

Score: 21474

If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN you get them VERY ANGRY

Score: 21418

Without the Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11. We would have IX/XI instead

Score: 21382

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head? Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

Score: 21379

If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

Score: 21306

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

Score: 21280

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

Score: 21255

Wife: “I’m pregnant.” Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”

Wife: “No you’re not.”

Score: 21210

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Thank god I live in Canada

Score: 20950

The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “papers?” I said, “ Scissors, I win” and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match he’s been chasing me for 45 minutes.

Score: 20888

Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law. It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

Score: 20852

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Score: 20851

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great! I mean, you've got to give them credit.

Score: 20822

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump... But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

Score: 20797

I asked my mum "How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied.

Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

Score: 20731

A dyslexic man stormed Area 15 Authorities didn't press charges, saying "they felt bad"

They thought a long sentence was the last thing he needed

Score: 20636

Girls who talks about girls' problems are great. But girls who talk about environment protection are Greta.

Score: 20623

Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

Score: 20618

I called two girls hipsters and got slapped. Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".

Score: 20610

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

Score: 20568

I never understood school shooting jokes I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

Score: 20560

Popular Topics