Children Jokes

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Funniest Children Jokes

Funny Children Jokes

What do you call children born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts



Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Dark humor is like cancer. It's even funnier when children get it.

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated. Edit: mother of three...
Edit: mother of two...
Edit: mother of one...

Why are women and children evacuated first? So we can think about a solution in silence.

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ? So men may think on a solution in silence

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead.

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead

What do you call children who are born into a Whorehouse? Brothel Sprouts.

Farts are like children I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours

Raising children is hard as a trans parent They see right through me

After work, I volunteer to help blind children By the way: Verb, not adjective

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity? She grounded him.

Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday? They hit a midlife crisis

Have you ever wondered why, during a crisis, they let women and children go first? It's so the men can have some peace and quiet while they think about what to do.

What clown has killed more children than "It"? Ronald McDonald.

Do you know why more vaccinated than unvaccinated children have autism? Because you have to be alive to be autistic

I love helping blind children The verb not the adjective

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will bully him because of his name... I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

What is big, yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children

My wife and I have three beautiful children And three out of five isn't bad.

How many ADHD children does it take to change a lightbulb? Lets go ride our bikes

What do you call children that are born into a Whorehouse? Brothel Sprouts

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there’s no money in there.

Why are women and children evacuated first? So we can figure out a solution in peace and quiet.

I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money

I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no money in there.

TIL that children that don't get vaccines are actually less likely to be autistic Cause they're more likely to be dead.

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

Stop sending toys to children in Africa It's gotta be depressing, getting a Tamagotchi that will outlive you.

What's the difference between children and Isis? Drones can't tell either

Every year we spend more on coffee than we do on educating our children how do we sleep at night?

Why won’t cannibalistic children eat homosexuals and cripples? Because kids don’t like to eat fruits and vegetables.

Why are women and children evacuated first in an emergency? So the men can think of a solution in silence.

I've worked with starving children in Africa, and let me tell you... They are the slowest workers I've ever seen.

Children are like farts You are proud of yours, but disgusted by anyone else's

What bounces and makes children sad? The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation.

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New Children Jokes

Why don’t Jedi parents let their kids use the Force at the dinner table? Like any other parents, they believe children should not be Force-fed.

2 things never get old. -Anti-Vaxxer Jokes
-Their children

(Elder Scrolls) What do Argonian children study in school? Hist tree

When I was a child, I didn't like eating sprouts. I told my mom I wasn't hungry.

She said:
the children in Africa would be happy with sprouts!

I replied:
and the moms in Africa would be happy with a child that's not hungry!

Why can't fortune tellers have children They have glass balls

I'm a proud anti-vax mother of 4 beautiful children Edit: 3 beautiful children

Edit: 2 children

Edit: A proud widow of a child

My son Luke loves that we have named our children after Star Wars characters My daughter Chewbacca not so much

I live near a special needs school. There is a sign that says, SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look on the positive side, they can't read it.

Being married with Children in this quarantine, looking at all the single people going through it alone, I'd kill to be alone right now. Probably the only way it could happen.

My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters. Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.

I love jokes about unvaccinated children They just never grow old

You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism? They live past the age of three

Children in the back seats of cars create accidents Although its only natural as accidents in the back seats of cars create children

What game do anti-vax children love playing? Marko Polio

Why are women and children evacuated first during disasters? So the men can have some peace and quiet to think of a solution.

Orphanages are kind of like animal shelters for children Though, I wish my parents would stop introducing me as their "rescue."

I’ve never understood why so many rich parents buy second hand Ferraris for their spoilt children Why would you want two things that are twenty years old and don’t work?

I'm going to start a treatment center for children with epilepsy I'll call it little seizures.

I understand parents who accidentally leave children in cars. I mean who really checks their trunk everyday?

How many dead children does it take to change a light bulb? Not 7, my basement is still dark.

My friend used to help blind children Now he is is jail for putting bleach into their eyes.

I went for a vasectomy the other day because I don't want to have any children I don't think it worked though, because when I got home they were still there.

With my wife, we have decided we don't want to have children. The children don't appreciate this much though.

What do French children call their adopted dad? Faux Pa.

The smell of burning flesh, the screams of children Summertime bbqs are the best

The hardest part honestly of me being a single stay at home mom is probably the fact that I'm a 28 year old man with no children

Why can't a priest take viagra? Because it says on the label to keep away from children

I have 3 children and I have never, nor will I ever vaccinate them The simple act of it alone is reckless and exposes my children to so many potential dangers. I have no medical training whatsoever and would rather let their doctor do it instead.

Children in the backseat can cause accidents... but accidents in the backseat can cause children.

Vaccines are a disgusting evil to society that cause mental and physical deformities. That’s why I’m the proud anti-vaxx mother of 5 beautiful children. Edit 1: 4 beautiful children

Edit 2: 3 beautiful children

Edit 3: 2 beautiful children

I’m a mother of 5 healthy children and they are all unvaccinated! Edit: *4 children*

Edit: *3 children*

What did the Mexican fire chief name his two children Jose and Hose-B

Unvaccinated children DO have a lower rate of autism. Because they're dead.

Why are Catholics so anti abortion? So they have a good supply of young children in their foster homes for the priests.

Endgame spoiler! Roses are red

Thor is fat

God of thunder plays fortnite and roasts children on voice chat.

Children are like flowers. Apparently you can't pick them at the park.

If a Cuban man marries a woman from Iceland and have children, can the children be considered ice cubes?

Whats the similarity between dark jokes and children with cancer They never get old

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.

There is only one thing that is more retarded than my sister... Our children

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Long Children Jokes

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a candle for you,' he promises.
Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple's home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them!
'Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,' exclaims the priest. 'It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?'
'My husband traveled to Rome,' says the wife with a tired look on her face.
'To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?'
'To blow out that bloody candle you lit!'

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

An old Jew on his deathbed

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."

And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.

So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, can you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even more blood on his face

"Dad, can you see that horse?", he asks

"Yes, I can, son"

"So, I sucked its blood"

Finally, the third one returns, with even more blood on his face, and says

"Dad, can you see that wall?"

"Yes, I can, son", replies the father

"I couldn't"

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support families in need of assistance.

The Social Worker grabs the nearest bag and plummets out of the aircraft.

Lawyer: I deserve to live because I advocate for my clients through my sharp wit and massive knowledge.

The lawyer grabs the second bag and plummets out of the aircraft.

Doctor: I deserve to live because i help diagnose ill people with my specialized training.

The doctor grabs the third bag and plummets out of the aircraft.

This leaves only the schoolboy and the old man in the plane with is descending toward the ground.

The Old Man: Go ahead boy. Take the last parachute. You have many years ahead of you while I am just an Old Man who is soon to die anyway.

Schoolboy: Thats ok Old Man we can both take a parachute. Look there are still two left

The Old Man’s eyes widen with surprise.

The Old Man: Wha...but how is this possible

Schoolboy: The lawyer with the sharp wit and expansive knowledge took my school backpack.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole life and even had a few kids of her own.

One day when the kids were out playing in the park they found an abandoned puppy. They decided to take it with them. Knowing their mother would not approve of it, they named it 'This' so that they can talk about it in front of their mom, without her knowing. They would say 'Let's take This outside' and things like that.

One day while the kids weren't paying attention, This ran out of the house and gets hit by a car. This eventually dies but the kids don't tell anyone. No one knew or remembered This.

Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins...

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"

The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."

Immediately thinking the worst, the mother asks "Oh my God, what's wrong?"

"Well, you were recovering for a long time," the doctor says solemnly, "we had to give the children a name. Your brother chose them..."

Shocked, the mother asks "What did he name the girl?"

The doctor lets out a sigh and says "Denise."

"Oh!" The mother says, "That's a lovely name, what about the boy?"

The doctor places a hand on the mother's shoulder, shaking his head he says...

"Denephew."

A woman once gave birth to 100 children

To avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately all of them except for #90 died at a very young age.

90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman. She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son. Unlike her own mother, she gave her offspring actual names. But their names don't matter.

One day, the daughter and the son came across a small puppy they found left alone in an alley near their house. They brought it back into their home and fed it, took care of it, and nursed it back to health. But they knew that their mother, 90, wouldn't dare let them keep a dog in their home, so they decided to hide it. In order to continue successfully keeping their dog a secret, they named the dog "This." During conversations about the dog which took place in front of their mother, the daughter and the son would refer to their puppy as "This," so as to avoid any suspicion at all. It worked for a while, but unfortunately a few years later, their secret dog, name of This, died.

And so it goes...

*...only 90's kids will remember This.*

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is he here?"

"I sit here, you meshuggener old man," says Abraham, laughing despite his grief.

"You are a good boy, Abraham," whispers Ishmael. "And my darling daughter Sarah, where is she?"

"Papa, I love you!" cries Sarah as she draws a tissue to her face.

"And my grandchildren? Ezekial, Ruth, Emmanuel, Seraphine, Bartholomew?"

"We are all here, grandpapa!" the children cry in unison.

"So my family, all my family, is here with me now?" asks Ishmael.

"Yes, of course, dear," soothes Elena.

"Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"

"What is a tragedy?", asks Trump.

During one of his campaign trips Donald Trump is visiting an elementary school and goes into one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word “Tragedy.” So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers: “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explains the exalted businessman. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr. Trump searches the room.

“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally at the back of the room, a boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaims Mr. Trump, “That’s absolutely right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

Trump asks what a tragedy is...

During one of his campaign trips, Donald Trump visits an elementary school and enters one of the classrooms. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word “Tragedy.” So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers: “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explains the exalted businessman. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr. Trump searches the room.

“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally at the back of the room, a boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaims Mr. Trump, “That’s absolutely right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.** 
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!** 
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"** 
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

A man has 6 children and is...

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now, 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of four."

A pregnant woman from Virginia

was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."

"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"

The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."

"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

Found this in my timeline...

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre.
Now,the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.
I've never felt safer.

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