Vasectomy Jokes

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Funniest Vasectomy Jokes

Funny Vasectomy Jokes

I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant. But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby

I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant. Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want kids. But when I got home they were still there.

My wife made me promise to stop making stupid jokes So I got a vasectomy

I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still had a baby... ...apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

After my vasectomy I thought I couldn't get my wife pregenant Apparently it just changes the color of the baby

I was disappointed to find out a vasectomy doesn’t prevent you from getting your wife pregnant. It just changes the color of the baby. :(

I had vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant... But apparently all it does is change the color of your baby

I got a vasectomy but my wife still got pregnant Apparently all it does is change the color of the baby

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant..... Turns out it just changes the color of the baby.

Her: You got a vasectomy without telling me! Are you serious? Me: Yes. I’m not kidding you.

I was told a vasectomy would prevent my wife and I from having a baby... Turns out it just turns the baby black.

I got a vasectomy but my wife still got pregnant. Apparently all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

I thought my vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant. But it turns out it just changes the colour of the baby

Didn't want to have children any more so I went and got a vasectomy But when I came home they were still here...

I got a vasectomy. But my girlfriend still got pregnant.... Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant. Apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant... But apparently it just changes the color of the baby

I got a vasectomy two years ago. Turns out is doesn't stop you from having kids, they just come out in different colours.

I went for a vasectomy the other day because I don't want to have any children I don't think it worked though, because when I got home they were still there.

I just got a vasectomy I feel like it's a big change, but I don't feel a vas deferens.

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant.

Apparently, all it does is change the color of the baby.

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any more children. Apparently a vasectomy doesn't stop you from having children, it only changes the colour of their skin.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant Apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

My wife said, “You got a vasectomy without telling me. Are you serious?” I said, “I’m not kidding you.”

I thought my secret vasectomy would just keep my wife from getting pregnant, but sometimes...... ... it just changes the color of the baby.

My Boss thought that getting a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant. All it did was change the color of the baby.

Turns out a vasectomy doesn't necessarily stop you having a child. It just changed the colour.

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent birth But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant... ...but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

I got a vasectomy and my girlfriend still got pregnant. Apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

I thought getting a vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant Turns out it just changes the colour of the baby

My dad had a vasectomy because he didn't want kids anymore But when he got home from the hospital we were still there

I got a vasectomy, but my girlfriend still got pregnant Apparently all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

Turns out my vasectomy didn't stop us from having more kids. Turns out my vasectomy didn't stop us from having more kids, it just made them a different colour.

What does a king call a vasectomy An heir cut

I got a vasectomy I was told it would keep her from getting pregnant, turns out all it does is change the color of the baby.

Vasectomy or no vasectomy, Vas the deferens.


(I'll show myself out)

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New Vasectomy Jokes

I had always thought becoming sterile through testicular trauma was the same as having a vasectomy Turns out, there's a vas deferens

Ever since my vasectomy my girlfriend has been calling me cutie... Not because I am attractive, but because I am like those little oranges, sweet and seedless.

I didn’t want any kid so i got myself a vasectomy when i returned home, the kids were still there

Doctor, how did my vasectomy go? Well, about that Mrs Smith...

What's the difference between having a vasectomy and being naturally sterile? There's not a vas deferens

Why was the man upset with his vasectomy procedure? There was no vast difference.

Man, those credit card companies are brutal! My buddy got a vasectomy and put it on card and never paid the bill. MasterCard sent a guy over to knock-up his wife.

Went to have my vasectomy today The doctor asked: "this procedure is irreversible. Have you consulted your wife and kids?"
To which I replied: "yes, we voted it up, 19 were pro and only 2 against."

I went to get a vasectomy and the doctor said I won’t have children anymore When I went back home they were still there

After my vasectomy I was telling my wife... I can take my arm being sore, or even my leg. That's no problem.

But this operation is a whole different ball game.

I thought my vasectomy would stop my wife from getting babies Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby.

Everyone said life would be different after my vasectomy But there hasn't been a vas deferens

My wife and kids want me to get a vasectomy so they took a vote... ...I lost 13 votes to 12.

"If you get pregnant, I won't stick around" Me: If you get pregnant, I won't stick around

Gf: Honey, that joke's not funny anymore, you had your vasectomy like 5yrs ago

Me: I mean it, mark my words!

Is there a difference between a man who's had a vasectomy and one who hasn't? Yes, a vas deferens.

I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still got pregnant... I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still got pregnant. Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

The doctor's price for my vasectomy was a little high for me, but my offer was too low for him. In the end we split the deferens.

I got a vasectomy so I wouldn't have anymore children, Turns out, vasectomy only changes the color of your child.

I had a vasectomy recently It has made a vas deferens in the number of children I could've had!

I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want to have kids But when I got home they were still there

I got a vasectomy without telling my wife I need to tell her but I don’t have the balls to do it.

A guy complains to his buddy that he went to the Dr for a vasectomy since he doesn't want any kids, but it didn't work. When he got home, the kids were still there.

After getting a vasectomy a guy complains to his buddy that they don't work since his wife still keeps getting pregnant. The buddy says "mine didn't work either, it just made the babies come out black"

"I don't think the vasectomy worked", said the redneck to his friend. "Why, you get yo wife pregnant?" asked the friend.

"Yeah not only that, the baby came out all black."

I got a vasectomy to stop having kids... All it did was change their skin color.

Two newly weds were discussing how many kids they will have He: We will have two kids.
She: I want three kids.
He: No, I will have vasectomy after the second one.
She: I hope you treat the third one also as your own.

I asked my wife if I could have another vasectomy but she said no, you're cut off.

Baby... I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

What job takes the most balls? Vasectomy surgeon.

What is the title for a movie about a man who is going to get his vasectomy reversed? Scrotal Recall!

A doctor asks his German patient how his life has been post vasectomy "No vas deferens" the man replies

What’s the name of the cheapest vasectomy provider? UnderCutters

The wife of a man who just got a vasectomy compares the before and after. She said there wasn’t a vast difference.

I really counted on my vasectomy to keep my girl from getting pregnant... but apparently it only changes the baby's skin color...

Getting a vasectomy requires bravery It take balls.

I got vasectomy thinking it would stop me from making any more babies... Turns out, it just makes them a different color.

My wife told me to get a vasectomy to stop her from getting pregnant. But it turns out it just made our baby black.

Vasectomy misunderstanding She told me I mis heard the doctor, Apparently it doesn't stop your wife getting pregnant, just affects the colour of the baby.

What's the difference between a guy with a vasectomy and a guy without a vasectomy? There's a vas deferens.

A man got a vasectomy without telling his wife. When she found out she said "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" "Yes, I'm not kidding you." he said.

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Long Vasectomy Jokes

Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "There is a cheaper option," said the vet. "Go home, find yourself a cherry bomb, light it up and put it in a Coors Lite can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

“I ain't no rocket surgeon," said the redneck, "but how's that gonna help me?"

“Trust me” said the vet.

So the redneck went home, drained a beer then stuffed a lit cherry bomb in the empty can. He brought it up to his ear and began to count:

“1… 2… 3… 4… 5…”

Once he got to five, he stopped for a second, put the can between his legs, and resumed the count on his other hand.

Alabama vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.

The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and coun t to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5...' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

My favorite dad joke that I've only gotten to tell three times

You know how as kids get older, someone always says "It feels like just yesterday he/she was born"? Well...

I have three kids. The day after my first was born, I was holding him in the hospital rocking chair, and this joke just kind of popped into my head.

I looked up at my wife and said "Honey, he looks so big already." She smiled. I looked back down at my son with tears of love in my eyes and said, "It feels like just yesterday he was born."

She rolled her eyes at me and groaned.

I have a vasectomy now, so sadly I will no longer be able to tell this joke.

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough because they couldn't afford a bigger bed. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin-wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it would cost $1,000.

Not being able to afford the procedure, the doctor recommended he go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me - I don’t want to go deaf!” To which the doctor replies, "Trust me."

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count on his fingers, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5...”, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand, “6, 7...

The Hillbilly Vasectomy

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, but they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can(COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Parts of Georgia, Missouri , West Virginia , AND All of Washington DC.

Urologist told me a joke during my vasectomy...

So during my vasectomy it was just me and the younger female doctor in the room. She was talking with me to distract me and said you want to hear a good vasectomy joke? Of course I said yes, not knowing it was going to go this way.

If a Bluebird has blue babies, a blackbird has black babies, a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A Swallow!

During his annual checkup, a man tells his doctor he is thinking about getting a vasectomy

The doctor tells him that it's a very important decision and asks if he has had a chance to discuss it with his family. The man says,"Yeah, and they are in favor of it 15 to 7."

A redneck goes into the doctor for a vasectomy...

A redneck goes into the doctor for a vasectomy and says to to the doctor

"Doc, I got all these screamin youngins runnin round the trailer and no matter what the wife and I try, we always ends up pregnant. But I can't afford no medical procedure!!"

The doctor sits and thinks a minute and replies...

"Ok, tonight when you're drinking your evening beer's. Put a cherry bomb in your beer, light it and count to 10..."

The redneck, looking confused, but not going to contradict a doctor nods his head, says thank you and leaves.

That evening he sits on the front porch and puts a cherry bomb into his beer, lights it and starts counting out on his beer free hand,

"1..2..3..4..5...."

Sticks the beer between his legs and starts counting on his other hand.

"6..7..8...."

That'll do it

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough. They could not afford a larger house so the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/ cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy, when he realized how truly backward these people were. This doctor instead told him to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count “1...2...3...4...5...” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...

A few years ago I had a vasectomy

A few years ago I had a vasectomy. A few weeks after the procedure I received a letter, accompanied by a sample pot, stating that I needed to provide a sperm sample and bring it in to them to prove the operation worked. At work, later that day, I snuck off to the bathroom and produced my sperm sample into the pot, screwed up the lid, and put the pot in my shirt pocket. The hospital wasn't far so I decided to take the 5 minute run over there on my lunch break. As I arrived at the front desk I noticed the pot lid has come loose and my sample has gone all over me. The nurse politely says to me 'sorry sir, you're going to have to come again.'

Did you hear about the redneck couple with 9 kids?

The dad went to the doctor to get a vasectomy and the doctor asked him why. 'Well, we read that 1 out of 10 babies born in the US now are Mexican, and we don't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither the wife nor I speak Spanish'.

Villager goes for vasectomy

So one villager reaches the doctor's clinic looking very despondent.

Doc: What are you here for?

Villager: The vasectomy camp.

D: Oh OK. How many kids do you have?

V: None. I am not even married!!

D (shocked): Then why do you want a vasectomy?

V: Every man in the village got it done over the last few years. Now whenever their wives conceive, they come and beat me up.

Proper procedural Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Pathan couple decided that enough is enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "Masha'Allah!, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem..."
"Trust me, it will do the job," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count with his fingers: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

Note :
This procedure has not been approved by the Health Department of Pakistan.

Birth Control

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

Paddy said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Hull, Workington, Grimsby, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Scotland.

(The local references came with the joke. Sorry.)

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby.

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle." Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?" "Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor." "Well, congratulations, you're holding him."

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.



'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Arkansas , Texas , Louisiana , Georgia , Mississippi , Missouri , the panhandle of Florida , West Virginia and Washington DC.

Alabama Vasectomy

One day a man from Alabama was arguing with his wife and she wanted him to get a vasectomy. So he reluctantly went to the doctor and upon hearing the cost $6500. He said he isn't paying that as he could buy a used fishing boat for that price. So he went to another doctor hoping to get a lower price and was told the same thing, as he was leaving the doctor noticed he lived in Alabama and offer him a $15 dollar solution.

He was told to buy a m80 light it and place it in a styrofoam cup.
And count to ten.

So he went and bought the m80 and some cups. Lit the m80 and starting counting to ten. He got to five and put the cup between his legs and continued counting to ten......

A urologist and a ear nose and throat doctor are golfing

When one of them sees an owl asleep in a tree by the ninth hole. The urologist looks over to the ENT doc and says “hey! I bet you 200$ I can give that owl a vasectomy without it waking up!”
The ENT doc says “you’re on!” The urologist goes up to the owl, rubs a special spot on its neck and performs the surgery.

The ENT doc notices this and says “ok, double or nothing I can give it a tonsillectomy without it waking up.” The urologist thinks his secret is safe and agrees. The ENT goes up to the owl, does just like the Urologist and does the procedure.

Later that night the owl is flying with his buddy when his buddy suggests flying down to the ninth hole to check for food. The owl says

“No way! I slept on that branch over there last night and ever since I can’t f$&@ worth a hoot or hoot worth a f$&@!”

An old hillbilly goes in for a vasectomy wearing a tuxedo. . .

. . . The doctor asks him when he arrives:

"Sir, why are you wearing a tuxedo?"

To which the old hillbilly responds:

"You said I was gonna be impotent. I figured if I's gonna be Impotent, I better look Impotent too."

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