Kindergarten Jokes

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Funniest Kindergarten Jokes

Funny Kindergarten Jokes

A fat man was standing in front of a kindergarten One of the teachers comes and asks him:

"Are you expecting a child?"

"No. I am a bit fat that's all"

I once had a boyfriend in kindergarten Then he got fired.

A teacher in a Chicago kindergarten class asked... her class what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!"

What's the difference between a Kindergarten and an ISIS stronghold? I don't know, I just fly the drones

My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession… In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway…

What's the difference between a Pakistani Kindergarten and a Taliban Training Ground? Don't ask me, I just fly the drone.

My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway

Bill Gates recently visited a kindergarten and taught the children how to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital? I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator

A Kindergarten teacher in Detroit asks her class what sound a pig makes... A boy in the back of the class stands up and yells, "FREEZE MOTHA FUCKA"

What does U.S. immigration policy have in common with kindergarten after lunch? Kid napping.

My son's kindergarten teacher is such a hardass, she failed him on his alphabet test even though he got 25/26. He still doesn't know y.

Why do kindergarten teachers have bad eyesight? Because their pupils are small.

What's the worst thing about Michael Jackson teaching your kindergarten class? The smell. The man's been dead for 6 years.

If you really think about it... Kindergarten teachers love to spread communism and

Personal space is a concept I did not understand in Kindergarten I guess that's why they fired me.

in a kindergarten class, there is a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. which one do you date? the blonde. she's 18.

Trump visits a kindergarten “It was so nice and relaxing to talk to someone that far away and not caring for the world problems” says a five year old student

The officer came and asked where I was between 5 and 6... I said kindergarten

What's the difference between a kindergarten class and an ISIS camp? I don't know man, I just fly the drone.

I'd always roll into class late super stoned or hung over, id try to sneak to my desk without people noticing I really was a bad kindergarten teacher

I’m going to start a new school system for children of anti-vax parents. If anyone knows where I can hire some kindergarten teachers and a mortician that would be great.

A kindergarten teacher is reviewing with her students "What does the bee give us?", he asks,
"Honey!", say the kids,
"And what does the caterpillar give us?", he says,
"Silk!", they say,
"And what does the cow give us?",
"Homework!"

Kindergarten janitor, Juan keeps running off to the tree outside because 123.

One of my kindergarten students told me a joke today.. Q: What do you call a police officer wearing a hat?
A: A friend!

This makes no sense as a joke at all BUT still cracked up because of how excited he was to tell me this joke

Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. “Dos, 1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 8.1, 10.”

People always support girls when they are on their period but when I have a boner I am kicked out of the kindergarten

Kindergarten books in future: Day 1
Lecture 1
Chapter 1: A saga of eating the bat and facing the crap
Line 1: Dont eat bat, dont eat bat

Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?" "No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."

Police came storming through a kindergarten They just hears there was some kid-napping going along...

Kindergarten joke: What's a pirates favorite letter? You may think it's "R" but it's really the sea!

Bill gates teaching a kindergarten class "Let's count" says Gates

The children start counting as he told them to.

1,2,3.x,95,98,2000,ME,XP,7,8,8.1,9,10, 10 anniversary edition

Male employee at a kindergarten gets yelled at by little kids "You're not my father!" Says a little boy.
"And that I'm thankful for..." Anwsers the employee
"...Especially after I saw your mother."

Then there was the handicapped honors student in our school. Since kindergarten his dad had given him a quarter and a pat on the head for each A he got. By the time he graduated, he had $500 in the bank and a flat head.

Cop with a bulging gut stands in front of a kindergarten Teacher approaches, "Are you expecting a child?"

He says, "No, it's beer."

What does your uncles basement and a Iraq kindergarten have in common? They both have screaming children.

A kindergarten teacher asks the children to make a sentence using the word dandelion. The kids were thinking for a while, when suddenly litle Joe from Jamaica says:
"Oh, Miss, Miss, I got one!"
"Yes, Joe? "
"De cheetah is faster dandelion!"

Is this kindergarten Sherlock? Its elementary my dear Watson!

Husband Brings the Child. Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?" "No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie.

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Long Kindergarten Jokes

A kindergarten class

had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down again. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period." said the little boy. "Well, OK, I can see that now," she said, "but what's so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my 14 year old sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mum fainted and the man next door shot himself."

A lawer, a surgeon, and a janitor are going on a camping trip...

when they discover a magical wizard. He says, "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The lawyer says, "Easy! I'll be a kindergarten teacher! How hard can it be to read to a bunch of little kids?" He gets transported into a classroom. He starts off strong, but after two hours, the kids' screams get to him and he gives up in frustration.

Next, the surgeon says, "I've got this! I'll just be a waiter, all they do is walk around with trays of food all day." He is transported into a restaurant. After three hours, the annoying customers drive him insane and he quits out of rage.

Finally, it's the janitor's turn. He says, "I'll be an artist for a day." So he is teleported into an art studio. He takes a bunch of random paint and junk from around the studio and makes an abstract painting which he sells for 100 million dollars.

In awe, the genie asks, "Wow, that was amazing! How did you do it?"

The janitor replies, "I have a masters degree in art."

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.

"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher

'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior

"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages

BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."

"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"

BB looks at her as if she's an idiot

"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat...

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A kindergarten teacher asks her students what animals provide us...

She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".

Joke provided by my ten year old son.

Kindergarten homework assignment

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period,'' said the little boy. "Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''I don't know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”

Mrs Jenny a kindergarten teacher asked her class "what things we can eat?"

"Bread"
"Yes"
"Hamburger"
"Ok"
A five years girl answered "Light",
"Omg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?"
"Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'".

Larry at the police station

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

It's show and tell day...

In kindergarten class, and its Johnny's turn. He goes up to the board and puts a dot.

"What's that, Johnny?" The teacher asks.
"It's a period," replies Johnny.
"What's so special about a period Johnny?" she asks.
"I have no idea, but my sister missed one, so my dad starting yelling, mom started crying, and the guy next door shot himself."

Poor Ajmal.

After playtime, Ms Wilson asks some of her kindergarten kids what they did during playtime.
"What did you do at playtime Tom?"
"I played in the sandpit" said Tom.
"Very good, if you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie!"
Tom spelled sand and was given a cookie by Ms Wilson.
"What did you do at playtime Sally?"
"I played in the sandpit with Tom" said Sally.
"That's nice, if you can spell pit, I'll give you a cookie!"
Sally spelled pit and was given a cookie by Ms Wilson.
"What did you do at playtime Ajmal?"
"I tried to play in the sandpit, but Sally and Tom threw rocks at me!" said Ajmal.
"That sounds like blatant racial discrimination, If you can spell blatant racial discrimination I'll give you a cookie!".

A kindergarten class came back inside from playing at recess

The teacher likes to ask the kids what they did with their free time so he starts with Mary. "Mary, what did you do at recess today?" Mary said that she played in the sandbox. The teacher says, "that sounds like a lot of fun! If you can spell "sand" on the blackboard then you can have a cookie." Mary spells it on the board and received her cookie. Then the teacher asked Billy, "What did you do at recess?" Billy said that he played in the sandbox with Mary. "Well that's great, if you can spell box on the blackboard then you can have a cookie." He spells the word with ease and gets a cookie. Then the teacher asked Jaquan, "Jaquan, what did you do at recess?" He said that he tried to play in the sandbox with Mary and Billy but they just threw stones at him. Appalled, the teacher said "well that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me! Ok, if you can spell blatant racial discrimination on the blackboard then you can have a cookie."

It was at the end of the school year,

and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "

That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

For weeks, Tommy was telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister who was going to be coming to his house soon.

One day at home, Tommy's mother let him feel the baby kicking. Tommy didn't say anything, and he stopped talking about the baby at school. Finally the teacher sat Tommy down and said, "Whatever happened to your new baby sister?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think my mummy ate her!"

One day in Kindergarten Class...

One day in Kindergarten Class, Ms. Johnson decided to teach the children about fruit. She put different fruits into a paper bag and started describing to the kids what fruit she had; the children were then supposed to guess what kind of fruit she had.

To start she reached in and said, "Okay, this fruit is yellow, firm, and curvy."
A little boy, by the name of Johnny who was notorious for giving wrong answers, raises his hand and yells, "Pear!"
Ms. Johnson says, "Nope, it's a banana, but I like your thinking."

She reaches in again and says, "Okay this one's small, red, and has a stem."
The boy raises his hand, even more excitedly than before, and yells, "Cherry!"
She says, "Nope, it's an apple, but I like your thinking."

"Okay, class," She says, "One more fruit: it's big, firm, and has seeds in it."
The little boy is about to piss himself from excitement and yells, "Pumpkin!"
"Nope," she says, "it's a Honeydew, but I like your thinking."

The boy's really pissed off and stands up yelling, "I have a game: I'll reach into my pants and tell you what I find. Okay, it's round, hard, and has a head on it."
Ms. Johnson is outraged and yells, "Johnny, that's DISGUSTING!!!"
He says, "Nope, it's a quarter, but I like your thinking."

I hope this hasn't been posted already :/

A kindergarten has a class pet, a mouse named Mister Squeaky

Mister Squeaky is a staple of the class, having been around for almost ten years. Every weekend, a different child takes him home to take care of him. One Sunday morning, a mom sees Mister Squeaky lying dead at the bottom of his cage. She rushes to the petstore and explains that she needs a replacement mouse. The man behind the counter pulls out a shoebox marked "MISTER SQUEAKY LOOK-ALIKES", pulls out a mouse and says "Here you go - that's the third one this month."

Little Johnny's first day in kindergarten

Little Johnny is sitting in his kindergarten class when the teacher asks the following question: "There are three birds sitting on a fence, and a hunter shoots one of the birds. How many are left?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "There are zero birds left. One was shot, and the other two flew away when they heard the sound of the gunshot;" to which the teacher replies "No, Johnny, the answer is actually two, but I like the way you think." So then Johnny asks if he can pose a question to the teacher. She agrees to answer Johnny's question.

Johnny says, "There are three women sitting on a park bench, eating popsicles. The first woman is just looking at the popsicle, not really paying it any mind. The second woman is biting the popsicle, taking off large chunks at a time. The third woman is slowly sucking on the popsicle, moving it in and out of her mouth, slowly and rhythmically. Which woman is married?"

The teacher blushes and says "Well, if I have to guess, I suppose it would be the third woman."

Johnny says, "Actually, it's the woman with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

Zing

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Original Joke. Be Kind.

A Television crew had set up at a kindergarten to do a story on literacy week for the local news. The Teacher selected Little Johnny to be interviewed as he was the brightest lad at the kindy.

The camera starts rolling and the interviewer begins to ask Johnny some questions -

"How old are you Johnny?", he asks.

"I'm four years old", says Johnny holding up four fingers showing that he can at least count to that.

"And can you read yet?", continues the Interviewer.

"Not yet....but I know all my alphabet", little Johnny replies.

"Ok let's hear that then", says the Interviewer.

Johnny takes a second to compose himself then begins " A...B....C...", hesitantly at first then with more confidence continues-"D...E...G...H...I....J..." - but before he can finish the INterviewer interrupts him and asks "Wait you missed a letter!"

Johnny replies"Well my mum said you shouldn't say F on TV".

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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."

Childen are playing on a kindergarten playground with their tablets...

...and the teacher is sleeping on a bench. A lady walks by and wakes the teacher up: "Aren't you afraid that the children will run away and get lost?" asks the lady. "I'm not afraid at all," says the teacher, "the WiFi signal covers the playground only."

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