Llama Jokes

Contents

Funniest Llama Jokes

Okay, Lama spelled with one 'L' is a holy man in Tibet. With two 'L's, a llama is a South American pack animal. So, what is a three 'L' lama?

A big fire in Boston.

Funny Llama Jokes

Being kissed by a llama isn't the end of the world The way some people go on about it, you'd think they were talking about the alpaca lips

What kind of health insurance does a llama need? Ollamacare

So the Dalai Llama walks into a pizza place... ... and says, "make me one with everything"

What did the llama said to the other llama? ¿Como se llama?

Dali llama walked into a pizza shop and said...... Can you make me one with everything?

I tried eating a whole llama once. I couldn't finish it, so I figured "Eh, alpaca lunch for tomorrow."

No one is afraid of llama kisses So why is everyone so worried about the alpaca lips?

What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic? Alpaca lunch.

What did the llama say at 420 Alpaca bowl

What did the llama say to his wife before they went to the park? Alpaca lunch

A llama went on a trip But he wanted to bring his brother Carl

Carl was excited and said, "Don't worry about food; alpaca lunch"

The Llama Joke Why did the Llama miss his flight to go on holiday?

He was busy Alpacking.

What does a llama do when it goes on holidays? Alpaca ya bags.

What do you call a llama that is really late ? A dally llama

What type of llama hates muslims? An isllamaphobic one

What did the one llama say to the other before they went on vacation? ALPACA BAG

Who looks like a alpaca and drops sick albums in 2017 ...Kendrick Llama

How do you greet a Muslim llama? Assa llama leykum

Jack and his llama walked into a bar... They ordered a drink and had a good time.

What did the Llama say to his wife when she asked for a divorce? Fine, guess Alpaca my things.

It’s funny because he was married to an Alpaca.

If a one "L" Lama is a priest and a 2 "L" llama is an animal, what is a 3 "L" lama? A fire in Brooklyn

What did the llama say to the depressed camel? Don't worry, you'll get over this hump.

A llama saw it self in the mirror It was the spitting image

Time traveller: *appears* quick i need a llama to ride right now. Brothel owner: of course, take your pick.

Time traveller: i made it.

What do you call a llama that meditates? A Dalai Llama

What do you call a skinny and malnourished llama? Da'light' llama

Did you read my mother's retraction of her support of the president over his hyper critical aide's tantrum at the Hindu temple? It was my mama's Obama's trauma llama Brahma drama reclama.

What's the difference between an equine animal owned by the Dalai Llama and and equine animal at Cheltenham? Ones a Tibetan horse the others a horse Tibetan.

This is an entirely original joke that I came up with. I like it.

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Long Llama Jokes

There is a hero that is a Llama

He is the best at fighting crimes, solving crimes and saving the day. However, a villain outsmarted him. He was faced with saving either Marley Dank or the Llama chick that he liked, he could only choose one to save. I guess you can say that he was having a dillama

A llama was grazing in a field one day... (long)

... when another llama came over.

"Hello," said the first llama.

"Whatcha doing?" asked the second llama.

"Oh, you know, eating some grass. Care to join me?" replied the first llama.

"Oh, thank you," said the second. So now there were two llamas eating. Along came a third llama.

"Hey guys, what's happening?" asked the third llama.

"Not much," said the second llama, "just eating grass. Wanna join us?"

"Sure," said the third llama, and so he began to eat too.

Another llama now strolled on by, and seeing the three others, he asked, "Hey guys, can I join you for lunch?"

"Sure thing," said the first llama. So now there were four llamas eating away. Within moments, a fifth llama came along.

"Hey guys, looks like you're having fun. Mind if I join?" asked the fifth llama.

"Sure, knock yourself out," they all said. So the fifth llama joined them.

Finally, along came a chameleon. The chameleon turns to them all and says, "Hey guys, what's up?"

"Oh not much, just lunch. Care to hang with us?" said the first llama.

"I think I could stand to socialise a little!" said the chameleon as he popped himself down besides the group. The whole time a llama herder was watching the ongoings. That afternoon he went home to his wife. "Hi honey," said his wife, "see anything interesting today?"

The farmer goes, "Llama llama llama llama llama chameleon."

The children's story I wrote

about an aquatic marine mammal who is unlawfully arrested may have been overshadowed by the story of a domestic camelid in crimson sleepwear.

But I still believe Dewdney’s “Llama Llama Red Pajama” is inferior to my “Porpoise Porpoise Habeas Corpus.”

There was once a horse that lived at a lovely little farm in Nebraska

Now, Martin the horse had a huge field to run around in, was given the best hay and oats to eat, and his farmer was really kind to him. But Martin always felt like his life was missing something.

One evening, Martin hears this lovely music coming from the direction of the farmer's house. He trots over to the house, and looks in the window. The farmer has some friends over, and one of the friends is playing a guitar and making the most heartbreakingly beautiful melody flow from his fingers. Martin is entranced, and spends the whole evening watching and listening. He sees that the farmer and all of the guests are moved to tears at the beauty of the sounds coming from that guitar, and is in absolute awe at how someone can create such emotions in his audience.

Martin spends the next several days thinking about what he saw and heard. He would be trotting along in his pasture and feel the music flowing through his veins. He remembered all of the tunes that were played that night, and they would run through his head and his heart all day. There were happy tunes, and songs of longing and love, songs of heartbreak and loss. Martin loved every single one of them.

After about a week of near-constant thought, Martin decided he couldn't keep the music in anymore. He needed to learn how to play the guitar and make other people and animals feel the same things he had been feeling for the past week. He \*had\* to learn. So Martin escaped from his pasture and headed to town. He wandered around the town until he found a music store with a guitar on the sign. Martin walked into the store, and the shocked store owner asked if there was anything he could help with. Martin told him he would like a guitar, but he didn't have any money. The shop owner, shocked at the fact that a horse wanted to play guitar in the first place, asked Martin why he wanted it, and Martin told him about the farmer's guest, and the living room concert he'd heard. He told the store owner how much the music had moved him, and that he can't stop thinking about it. He talked of wanting to play music like that, and help people heal from emotional pain. The shop owner was moved by Martin's impassioned speech, and said he would give Martin a guitar for free if he could watch him play.

Martin was thrilled, and carefully took the new guitar in its case from the shop owner. He then asked if there was anyone that could teach him to play. The shop owner thought about it, and said "Miss Taylor is the best music teacher in the state. Go visit her, and tell her I sent you and said I'd pay for your lessons. Don't make me waste my money, now." Martin thanked him profusely, and carefully worked his way through town until he got to the address the shop keeper gave him. He rang the doorbell, and Miss Taylor answered.

Martin told her about the shopkeeper, and how he desperately wanted to make music. He told her about the guitar, and how he was told that Miss Taylor was the best music teacher in the state. He begged her to help him.

Reluctantly, Miss Taylor agreed. She was not sure she could teach a horse to play a guitar, given the lack of fingers, but Martin was determined. At first, he could barely strum the strings. He made the most horrible sounds, but he kept practicing. He went every single day, rain or shine, and eventually he started getting better. He was able to play Twinkle Twinkle, and Three Blind Mice. With a lot of work, he progressed up to being able to play Ode to Joy, and the sound of that song struck his heart with happiness. He was diligent in his practice, learning how to tune his guitar by ear, and his lessons progressed.

About a year later, Miss Taylor declared that he played the guitar better than any student she'd ever had, and that she couldn't teach him any more. She thought he was a natural, and he could play any song he heard. Martin was overjoyed, and took off to home with his guitar.

Martin took to playing his guitar every chance he got, and eventually the farmer noticed. He was super impressed, and moved by Martin's music. He told Martin that he should start a band, and Martin thought that was a great idea. He asked the farmer how he would find other animals that wanted to join the band though. The farmer thought about it for a bit, and then told Martin he'd put an ad in the paper.

The Farmer was good on his word, and the next day he showed Martin the ad. It said "Horse guitarist looking for farm animals to create band. Apply at Farmer Chester's farm". And so they waited.

Well, about a week passed, and Martin was feeling a bit dejected. Nobody was answering his ad, and he felt like his dream to make music was falling through his fingers, which was really hard on him because he didn't have fingers. He wandered up to the house to tell the farmer that he was giving up on starting a band, and noticed a sheep sitting on the front porch. Martin introduced himself and asked the sheep what he was doing there.

"I saw an ad saying you were looking for farm animals that want to join your band. My name is Johan Sebastien, but you can call me Joe." Martin asked him what instrument he played, and Joe looked down at the ground sheepishly, then told Martin that he didn't know how to play one yet, but he'd always wanted to learn the piano. Martin thought about it for a second, then asked Joe to follow him. They went into town, and Martin rang Miss Taylor's doorbell again. Her door opened, and Martin explained how Joe desperately wanted to learn the piano. Miss Taylor explained that she was worried that the piano might be beyond the ability of a sheep, because it requires fingers. Martin reminded her that a guitar does too, but that he still managed to learn, and be good at it.

Miss Taylor agreed, and told Joe that she would agree to teach him, for free, as long as he came every day and showed progress. Joe bleated out his joy and bounced around, and asked when he could start. Well, Miss Taylor took him in right away, and they sat down at the piano to get started. Martin left them to it, and wandered back home to practice his guitar.

Johan was a natural. At first, he struggled to get his hooves on the right notes, but he kept at it, and was eventually able to play Chopsticks, and then more complicated songs. Miss Taylor was amazed to watch how quickly Johan's hooves moved across the keyboard. He was so quick he could hit several notes at the same time, and with daily lessons and a ton of practice, he could play even the most complicated piano concertos. His rendition of Beethoven's Fur Elise brought her to tears. After a year, she declared that Johan was the best piano student she'd ever had, and the most gifted piano player she'd ever heard. He ran home to Farmer Chester's, and told Martin and the farmer of his completion of lessons. As a graduation gift, Farmer Chester presented Johan with a baby grand piano.

Chester then told them "I think it's time we find you another band member." So another ad went into the paper, and a few weeks later, Martin ran across a cow wandering the yard. "Can I help you", Martin asked?

"Hey there, I saw the ad in the paper, and thought I could join your band. It's a dream of mine to be in a band."

Martin asked what the cow played, and what his name is. "Well, I don't play anything yet, but I heard a trumpet once and thought it was the most beautiful sound ever. I want to learn to play. Oh, and you can call me Mooie Armstrong." Well, Martin was delighted at the new potential band member, but annoyed that he had to keep getting the new members trained up. He admitted that there probably weren't a lot of farm animals out there with musical experience, though. So, off to Miss Taylor's they went, and at this point, Miss Taylor wasn't even surprised. She agreed to train Mooie, and he proved to have a hard time with the trumpet, but eventually he learned. He started out learning Taps, and Hot Cross Buns, and progressed to being able to play Flight of the Bumblebee at double speed. At first, Mooie was able to play Taps in it's most basic form, but after months and months of practice, he was able to make rocks cry from the beauty of it. Eventually, Miss Taylor told him that he was the best trumpet player she had ever heard, and that she could teach him no more.

Mooie went back to the farm, and told everybody the news. Martin, and Johan, and even Farmer Chester were overjoyed, and wondered if they were a complete band. They realized they still needed a drummer, so another ad was placed in the newspaper. A few weeks later, Martin watched a chicken walk up the road to the farm, and was sure they'd just found their drummer. He ran over to greet the chicken, and introduced himself. The chicken responded and said "You can call me Cluck Berry. I heard you needed a drummer, and I really want to learn how to play drums." While Martin was again upset that they didn't have a response to their ad from an already proficient drummer, he realized that everyone that had come to answer their ads turned into virtuosos in their instrument. So he had Cluck fly up onto his back and hang on, and rode through town to Miss Taylor's place. She opened the door, saw the chicken on Martin's back, and just asked "Okay, what instrument?" Cluck told her about how much he wanted to learn drums, and that he'd seen a Genesis concert on TV, and a guy named Phil Collins was such an intense drummer that he could give you goosebumps. Cluck wanted to be just like Phil.

Miss Taylor took to the task. She didn't even have to give Cluck drumsticks, because he had his own. She taught him how to do a single stroke roll, then a double stroke roll, taught him some basic drum beats, and he progressed to learning how to do drum solos from famous bands. He could keep up with Metallica, Rush, and could play any kind of drum you threw at him, from bongos to a timpani. His playing of YYZ by Rush was so masterful that Miss Taylor couldn't believe it. At that point, she declared him ready for the musical world.

The farm animals felt that they were nearly complete as a band. They kept practicing, and realized they needed a bass player, so out went another ad in the newspaper. Farmer Chester bought a bass guitar, and they waited. Within days, a llama showed up at the door. Martin trots over and asks for a name. The llama replies "You can call me Del Rey. I hear you're in need of a bass player." Martin agrees, and asks if Del Rey already knows how to play bass, and she replies that she doesn't yet, but she really wants to learn. So, off they go to Miss Taylor's again with Del Rey and the new bass guitar, and Miss Taylor smiles in joy at the new animal student. They head inside.

At the end of the day, the llama Del Rey comes home to the farm absolutely ecstatic. She gets her bass guitar out, and proudly plays the three notes Miss Taylor taught her. The other animals are thrilled, and declare her the best bass player they'd ever heard, and were amazed she was able to learn so quickly.

Martin was thrilled. They had a guitarist, a bass guitarist, a drummer, a piano player, and a horn expert. He thought they were pretty much a complete band. So they got together in the pasture with their instruments, and started working on their set list. It was then that they ran across a problem. None of them could sing. So they talked to Farmer Chester, and he agreed to one more ad in the newspaper. The ad goes out, and about three weeks later, they find a pig being dropped off at the gate. The farmer dropping him off stormed off in a huff, angry at losing a prized pig, and hopped back into his truck, spinning his tires in his haste to leave.

Martin watched as the pig shook his head in amazement, then went to introduce himself. The pig had the most gorgeous winged eyeliner, and introduced herself to Martin as Amy Swinehouse. Martin asked if Amy was a singer, and she, naturally, answered that she had a little bit of experience singing around the barn, but nothing serious. Martin took her to see Miss Taylor again, and explained that Amy wanted to learn to sing. Of course, Miss Taylor took Amy in, and they got to work.

Miss Taylor recognized the pig's natural talent. She was a natural contralto, and with her unique voice, was quickly able to master songs by Annie Lennox, Adele, and the throaty jazz vocals of Diana Krall. Amy mastered singing jazz, pop, rock, and even turned out to be a talented Mongolian throat singer. Her rendition of Lzzy Hale's part in Song of Women brought Miss Taylor to tears.

Finally, after a couple of years of practice, learning, and putting a band together, Martin and the other animals were ready. They worked on a name for their band. Martin thought Horse Sense was the best name, while Johan insisted that Herd Mentality was better. Cluck wanted the band to be called Family Dinner Bucket because he had a morbid sense of humor, and Del Ray thought they should be called The Spitz. Mooie suggested they be the Mooo-dy Blues, and Amy chose Hambone. They were upset when they learned that some humans had already had a band called The Animals, feeling this was poor representation. Finally, because they realized that they were hoping to bring joy to people, they decided that they'd call themselves Laughing Stock, and the name felt perfect for them.

Farmer Chester agreed to be their booking agent, and they quickly got their first gig at a small country bar in town. By this time, word of their musical prowess had spread around town, so when they arrived to play their first concert, there was a packed house, and all 45 people were moved to happy tears listening to the best musicians the world had ever seen. They quickly got booked at larger and larger venues, but could never break out of the bar scene. Farmer Chester tried booking them into concert halls, and sports arenas, but was always told they weren't the right act. Chester got upset after months of being turned down, and Martin was slowly sinking into depression because they couldn't make it as big as they wanted to.

Finally, after months of being turned down for the big venues, Chester finally got a straight answer as to why. It wasn't because they were farm animals, or because their musical talent was lacking. It turned out that the fact that they were a cover band, with no original material, was their stumbling block. They needed to start writing their own songs. Unfortunately, none of them knew how to do that. They went off to visit Miss Taylor and explained the problem. Well, Miss Taylor's face broke out in a huge grin, and she says "I've been waiting for this day! I've been writing songs for your band for a couple of years now, hoping you'd get famous." She ran and grabbed all of her music, and they went back to the farm together. Miss Taylor's music was amazing. Nothing like it had ever been heard before, a fusion of rock and jazz and classical that combined the talents of the entire band. The lyrics evoked every emotion under the sun. Songs brought overwhelming joy, bittersweet sorrow, love, loss, heartache and a powerful need to be better. The band was just amazed at the music, and got to work at learning the songs. Naturally, they more than did justice to the music that Miss Taylor had created.

After they learned all of the music, Farmer Chester called up a recording studio and got studio time to record their album. The studio was initially hesitant to allow them in, seeing as how they were barnyard animals, but Martin shredded on his guitar in the parking lot, and his display of musical prowess convinced the studio owner to give them a shot. Farmer Chester even agreed to pay a cleaning deposit in case of any "accidents". In any case, they got their album recorded in a single take. The studio execs were impressed at how well the band worked together, and the music moved them to tears. They not only agreed to finance the album, but told the band that they had contacts at all the radio stations, and would get them a concert tour. The band was overjoyed!

The next couple of months were a whirlwind. Their first single hit #1 on the Billboard charts, and every Top 40 station played their music every half hour for weeks. They started playing to packed stadiums, and the lines for autographs stretched for blocks after every concert. The money came pouring in, and they were living their dream. Emails and letters came pouring in from teens that professed their undying love for different band members, and there were several letters from people who said they were brought back from the brink of depression by Laughing Stock's music. Martin and the others felt that they were doing what they were destined to do.

One day, in the middle of their tour, Farmer Chester comes into the band's dressing room after the show and lets them know that they've been invited to go on The Tonight Show in New York. They're to fly out of Las Vegas the next evening, and would spend the day touring New York before their interview. All of the band members immediately start packing up their things, talking over each other about how excited they are about this opportunity. They were going to be on tv!

The next morning, Farmer Chester's phone rings. He answers it, and his face drops as he looks over towards Martin. He thanks the caller, hangs up, and says to Martin, "That was my wife. She just let me know that your mother is very sick and we don't know if she's going to make it. She's asking for you to come home so she can say goodbye."

Martin is so upset. He knows he can't disappoint his band, but he also can't say no to his mother's last wishes. So he tells the band to go ahead without him to New York, and he'd go see his mother, then catch another flight and meet them in New York in time for the interview. He gets on the next flight to Nebraska and goes to see his mom.

In the meantime, the rest of the band, along with Farmer Chester, gets on the plane from Vegas to New York. The flight gets up to altitude, and the band members relax, grab some alcohol, some food, and eventually they pass out from exhaustion on the 3 hour flight. As they're flying over Tennessee, however, a freak storm appears, and the plane is struck by lightning. The engines fail, and the plane goes down. There are no survivors.

While this was happening, Martin was back at the farm. His mother had a serious flu, but it wasn't nearly as bad as she'd made it out to be, and Martin was annoyed that she had dragged him all the way back to the farm because she had the sniffles. He headed out to the airport again after telling his mom that he loved her, and hopped on a plane to New York, with no knowledge of the horrible accident his friends had been in. He arrived in New York and tried calling his bandmates, but couldn't get ahold of anybody. Chester's phone went straight to voicemail. He headed to the hotel he had been told they'd be staying at, and found that the band hadn't checked in yet. So, Martin got up to his room, then called the Late Show studio to find out where his band was.

It was at this point that Martin learned of the plane crash, and that all of his friends, his family, had died in terror.

Martin was devastated. He realized that the only thing that had kept him alive was that his mother was sick. He should have been on that plane too. The guilt crushed him, and he broke down crying on the floor, sobbing into the carpet. When his sobbing stopped, he looked around the room, and noticed the little fridge. Opening it, he found the little alcohol bottles, and emptied all of them. However, since he was a horse, and fairly heavy for his species, the little amount of alcohol did nothing to dull the ache in his heart.

Depressed and guilt-ridden, Martin headed down to the hotel bar and started drinking seriously. After several hours of drinking, he felt the guilt numb itself inside him. Unfortunately, it also numbed his bladder and he was kicked out of the hotel for the resulting mess.

Martin stumbled through the streets of New York, the alcohol dulling his senses, making him stumble into people and streetlamps. He fell several times in back alleys, and the smell of garbage lingered on his once-fine coat. After several hours of this, his mind started to clear, but his overwhelming sadness tried to crush him. He just wanted to end it all. He figured the best way to do that was to drink himself into alcohol poisoning, and he'd just let it happen. So he looked around for a bar close to him, and he finally found this seedy, dark stairwell into a basement bar. Carefully, he took himself down the steps, opened the door, and entered the bar where he planned to end his life.

The bartender looks up from the bar, sees the horse, and asks "Hey there friend. Why the long face?"

Coming back to London after his latest tour ended in Brazil, Phil Collins found that his head was itching.

He thought, "Hmm, I'd better see someone about this," and got himself to a doctor.

Sure enough, the doctor found small insects in his scalp. He asked, "Were you by any chance riding a llama with fleas?"

"No," Phil said, "it's all been alpaca lice."

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