Valentine Jokes


Funniest Valentine Jokes

I finally got someone to be my valentine! I wish I could post this in any other sub.

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If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember... that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

Score: 2335

I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day.. Or you can just take the whole thing.

Score: 562

For Valentine's Day I made a chart of past relationships.... It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

Score: 459

If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men? Palm Sunday.

First time posting, please be gentle.

Score: 381
Funny Valentine Jokes
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What's the difference between you and a calendar? A calendar has a date for Valentine's Day.

Score: 171

My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace" So I got her nothing.

Score: 162

What is the difference between a calendar and you? A calendar has a date on Valentine's day.

Score: 159

Valentine's day Mothers have mothers day, father's have father's day, couples have valentine's day and I have palm sunday

Score: 138

I am going out with my valentine tonight I wish I could post it on different sub

Score: 111

My wife called me on Valentine's Day She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

Score: 107

My wife asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

Score: 103

I already got a date this valentine's day. Her name is Emma, Emma Gination.

Score: 78

I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster! Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.

Score: 72

Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything... Because you're at an all-time low.

(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

Score: 67

I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out? She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

Score: 64

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for valentine's day.. A bit of an unconventional present, I know!

But you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

Score: 63

This is the first time I didn't get a Valentine's day card from my secret admirer in 20 years; First my grandma died and now this;

Score: 49

What do fat women get for Valentine's day? Depressed

Score: 46

For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife I thought that was an awesome trade

Score: 45

My missus asked me where her Valentine's day card was. I said, "Sorry, I had a headache."

Score: 42

To those who are sad because nobody loves them at Valentine's Day, worry not... ...nobody loves you on any of the other days of the year either.

Score: 42

What a lousy year. First my grandma died, And then for the first time in forty years I didn't get a valentine's card from my secret admirer.

Score: 39

From my handwriting identification skills. I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.

Score: 37

Roses are red... Roses are red,

Violets are glorious,

Don't spend Valentine's,

With Oscar Pistorious

^^I'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out

Score: 33

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she said 'treat me like a princess!' I'm having her killed in a traffic accident in Paris.

Score: 33

girl answer when boy ask about valentines Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?

Girl: Yes, February 14th.

Score: 30

I wanted to go out for Valentine's day, but my relationship is complex I'm real, she's imaginary.

Score: 28

Happy Valentine's Day Restaurant offers 25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
It's on the house for anyone who show up with both.

Score: 27

For the first time in 40 years I didn't get a Valentine's day card from a secret admirer I just don't understand it.

First Grandma dies, and now this!!

Score: 19

Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes February 14th.

Score: 14

Roses are gray. Violets are gray. I'm a dog.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Score: 14

Has anyone found a date for Valentine's? I did!
It's on 14th Feb!
Laugh please I'm pathetic

Score: 11

If Valentine's Day is for lovers.. then Palm Sunday is for the single.

Score: 9

Last Valentine's day I recieved so many cards from my girlfriends that I couldn't open the front door... Because my wife had the locks changed

Score: 5

What's the difference between herpes and love? Herpes lasts forever.

Happy Valentine's y'all!

Score: 4

What did the French baker buy his wife to surprise her on Valentine's day? BOO-lingerie

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Happy Valentine's day! Do you know what the word of the day is? Legs!.....Should we go back to my place and spread the word?

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I've never understood giving flowers to someone on Valentine's Day. "Here's a dying plant... because i love you?"

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New Valentine Jokes

I consider myself lucky, I celebrate Valentine's Day every year My name is Valentine

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I'm really delighted that I received more than 20 boquets of roses with balloons from different people for Valentine's Day! and as the receptionist I had to search for all the recepients in the office 😂

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Wife complaining to Husband: What did we do last Valentine's Day? Husband: We acted our age.

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I wanted to make this a Valentine's Day to remember So I told her that her sister was better in bed, I don't think she'll forget that for a while.

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If your buck won't go out with you on Valentine's Day... You might be a side doe

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I know what I'm giving up for Valentine's Day! Lent

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For the past 20 years, I’ve been getting Valentine’s Day cards from a secret admirer. So I was pretty upset when I didn’t get one this year.

First my granny dies, now this?

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Are you upset about being alone on valentines day? just keep it mind..... Nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

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I want to take my wife out for Valentine's day Too bad a hit man is so expensive

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What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts.

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What is oscar pistorius' favourite band? Bullet for my valentine.

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Why does it always seem to rain on Valentine's Day? So the boys are as wet as everyone else, come evening.

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What song do singles listen to on both Halloween and Valentine's day? "Beat It" by Michael Jackson

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Why was Trump's Valentine's Day so lucrative? He got himself a sugar Vladdy.

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I can take myself to lunch, I can pick myself flowers, I can buy myself chocolate, I can write cute Valentine's to myself, but autofellatio is still just... outta reach

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Does anyone else get as excited about Valentine's Day coming up as they do about Christmas? Or is it just because I'm Jewish?

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I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day, and she said "Something long and powerful that vibrates." I hope she likes her new weed eater!

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One female office worker asks another if she's excited for Valentine's Day "Nah, it's the same thing every year. My husband buys me flowers, and then expects me to sit with my legs in the air for the rest of the night," she replies.

"What, don't you own a vase?"

Score: 2

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Valentine's party? Because he had no-body to go with

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The best part for a man who is in an incestuous relationship with his mother that he gets to celebrate mothers day and valentine's day for the same reasons.

Score: 2

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