Valentine Jokes

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Funniest Valentine Jokes

Funny Valentine Jokes

I am going out with my valentine tonight I wish I could post it on different sub

From my handwriting identification skills. I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.

A man went to the card shop... ...and asked, "do you have any valentine cards saying 'you're my first and only love'?"
The shopkeeper said yes,
And the man replied, 'Great! give me five!"

How the world has changed in 2020! Feb 14: Will you be my Valentine ?
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March 14: Will you be my Quarantine ? 🙂

Its valentine and was asked to go out by 5 girls Turns out l was in the girls bathroom

Guess what my Valentine gave me? Carpal Tunnel...

I finally got someone to be my valentine I wished this wouldn't be the only sub I could post this on

My valentine told me to bring her to pound town. Apparently bringing her to the gym because I thought she could lose a few pounds wasn't what she was talking about.

Why was Saint Valentine sad on the day commemorating him? Because he doesn't have no body to celebrate with.
(It's just a joke, don't lose your head.)

I consider myself lucky, I celebrate Valentine's Day every year My name is Valentine

What can you give your valentine to melt her heart? White Phosphorous

Valentine Banana You must be a banana,


because you're appealing!

Don't be sad if you don't have a Valentine on Valentine's Day Most people don't have AIDS on World AIDS day either.

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Long Valentine Jokes

Valentine Cards

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asked Mike.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

At the post office....

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

"But why?" asked Mike. "Valentine's Day Joke"

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asked Mike.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied

A Joke

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair

My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”

Mike walked into a Post Office just before Valentine’s Day

He couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards.  The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” asked Mike.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.

Valentine' Day

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

So there's a child molester and a little boy walking into the woods...

They keep walking deeper and deeper, and its getting darker and darker; scarier and scarier. Further and further they walk. The boy looks up at the child molester and says "Gee Mister, I'm getting scared." and the child molester looks down at the kid and says: "You think you're scared kid, I gotta walk out of here alone."

Edit*: from the film Blue Valentine

Asking someone to be my valentine

Asking someone to be my valentine has the same emotional appeal to me, as asking someone to give me a colonoscopy. I let them see parts of me, that I and no one else should ever see, I pay them $200 and never speak to them again
And even worse, a few years later I find out my uncle didn’t even use gloves

Nostalgia over a past date

A woman awakes during Valentine night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have been released today..!!!"

Making the Grade

My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.

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