Horse Jokes

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Funniest Horse Jokes

Funny Horse Jokes
Score: 13232

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears. This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

Score: 8855

Where do horses go when they get sick? To the horse-pital.



Just kidding, they get shot.

Score: 2809

I dreamt about a horse last night. It turned out to be a night mare.

Score: 1543

A horse walks into a bar "Hey", the Bartender says.

"Sure", the horse replies.

Score: 1530

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse". Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

Score: 1332

Dear people who don’t write capital letters, We’re the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Score: 926

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses Oh how the stables have turned

Score: 913

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.

Score: 867

Where do horses go when they break a leg? The Horse-pital!

Just kidding, they get shot.

Score: 858

A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey."

The horse says, "Sure."

Score: 847

What’s a horse’s primary concern when voting? A stable economy.

Score: 766

A horse walks into a bar and requests "Hello, I'd like some anthropomorphization please" The bartender replies: "I think you've had enough already"

Score: 609

A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger. Apparently he is now in a stable condition.

Score: 493

I have a horse named mayo... Mayo neighs.

Score: 463

Where does a horse go when it gets sick? A horse-pital!

Haha just kidding, they get shot.

Score: 463

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon. After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

Score: 403

You can lead a horse to water, but in Flint the water will be lead.

Score: 335

My horse was way more aggressive than usual today it threw me off

Score: 283

a man comes into a bar... or was it a horse?

yeah i think it was a horse.

so a man comes into a horse....

Score: 269

What's a vegan's favorite animal? A high horse

Score: 243

What's worse than beating a dead horse? Shooting a live gorilla

Score: 241

Where's the best place for a horse to grow up? In a stable environment.

Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.

Score: 227

Which horse runs the city? The mare, of course

Score: 213

A horse walks into a bar, The bartender says, “Hey!”

The horse replies, “Sure”.

Score: 210

I named my horse Mayo Sometimes Mayo neighs

Score: 188

A horse walks into a barn A horse walks into a barn

The Barntender says, "Hay, the usual?"

Score: 188

It just occurred to me that we have to make all the jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker while she's still alive.. Because after she dies it'll be like beating a dead horse...

Score: 187

Capitalization... Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Score: 186

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The horse says, "I just realized that I'm a metaphysical concept within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."

Score: 180

How was the first giraffe made? Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Score: 15

A man goes in to talk to his psychologist. A man says to his psychologist, "I keep dreaming that I'm a sadistic, necrophiliac zoophile. Should I be worried, or am I just beating a dead horse?"

Score: 13

And this is my horse, Mayo Mayo: *neighs*

Score: 13

Thor, upon his mighty steed, approaches his enemy, Thanos. Thanos asks "Who might you be?" "I AM THORRRR!!!"

His horse perks up and says "Well, then wear a thaddle thilly."

Score: 12

That has got to be the worst painting of a wagon I have ever seen "It's a horse-drawn carriage", replied the artist.

Score: 10

So the Lone Ranger and Tonto are being chased by the bad guys... To see if they're being closed in on Tonto puts his ear to the ground to listen for the sound of horse hooves.

"Kimosabe, no soldiers chasing us, buffalo come."

"How do you know that?"

"Ear sticky."

Score: 8

What do call a pessimistic horse? A neigh-sayer.

Score: 6

(Dark) What's the one thing Superman can't do? Stay on a horse.

Score: 6

Why didn’t the horse go to the bar on singles night? He was already in a stable relationship.

Score: 6

Why did the man get a job as a horse handler? He wanted stable employment

Score: 4

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New Horse Jokes

A doctor asks a horse, "Why the long face?" The horse says, "My alcoholism is destroying my family."

Score: 0

Proof-reading is vital - for example, you might accodentally type "I helped my uncle Jack off his horse." When really, all you did was sit and watch.

Score: 0

Finding an ancient community Not a joke, but just wondering if anyone here came from the community that underrstood:
- "purple, because aliens don't wear hats"
- "the horse name was Friday"
- "Nevil's basement"

Score: 0

Why do boars who make horse sounds live near eachother? Because they are neigh-boars.

Score: 0

How do you properly discount a jiraffe? You get off your high horse.

Score: 0

Why was the horse named Mayo? Because Mayo neighs!!!!!!

Score: 1

I went to pick up the bag of horse hair I had ordered Shopkeeper: we are out of horse hair but I do have this nice bag of prevaricating goose feathers
Me: I ordered horse hair. I am *not* taking this lying down!

Score: 0

A horse walks into a bar. The Barkeeper looks up and asks "Hello Mr. Horse, why the long face?" The horse looks to the floor with a sad expression and answers: "My alcoholism is tearing my family apart."

Score: 0

One day, Donald Trump was going out on a walk and saw a sad horse Trump approaches the horse, and asks him:

"Why the long face? Anything I can do to help?"


To which the horse replies;

"Orange you so nice!"

Score: 0

They say you can lead a horse to water, but how do you make a horse drink? Put it in a blender.

Score: 0

What do you call a latino horse archer? Genghis Juan

Score: 0

I went to a hotel on Friday, stayed for three nights, and came back on Friday. My horse is named Friday.

Score: 0

Where does the horse go when it breaks it’s leg the horsepital. Just kidding It gets shot

Score: 2

If Jack helps you on the horse Are you going to help Jack off the horse?

Score: 1

Why don't horse stables have windows Cause qho has ever heard of stable windows.
(this joke is from an old point & click spongebob game)

Score: 2

You shouldn't say "i helped my uncle jack off a horse" Instead you should say "I spent the summer working on my uncle's husbandry farm."

Score: 3

I am going to buy a horse and name it "Mayo" so that then I will actually enjoy Mayo neighs.

Score: 2

I am going to boy a horse and name it "Mayo" so that then I will actually enjoy Mayo neighs.

Score: 1

What do you call a socialist horse? Trotsky

Score: 2

Why did the pony order a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!

Score: 1

A horse calls a circus asking for a job Manager:"what are your talents?"

Horse:"i'm a horse"

Manager:"so?"

Horse:"I'm talking to you aren't i?"

Score: 3

Why did Sean Connery's Horse drown? Because it was a Shehorse.

Score: 1

Clear and concise writing can mean the difference between "I helped my uncle jack off a horse"... and "I spent my summer working on the family's husbandry ranch."

Score: 4

A horse walks to a bar, the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse replies, “My alcoholism is destroying my family”.

Score: 2

How do you conceal a cheese loving horse? Mask a Pony

Score: 3

My doctor told me to stop eating pony meat It was making me a little horse

Score: 3

If jack was on A horse If jack was on a horse....
And he wanted to get off the horse...
Would you help jack off the horse....

Score: 2

I phoned up the vet and asked how my horse was getting on. He said he's in a stable condition.

Score: 1

Did you hear about the guy who made his Mustang go faster by removing the wheels? His horse really sucked at using rollerskates.

Score: 4

What do you call a horse who takes all the groceries in at once? A one trip pony

Score: 1

What do you call Santa Claus riding a horse? A jolly rancher.

Score: 2

I frequently help my uncle Jack off his horse He’s much to old to do it on his own

Score: 3

The mailman asked the farmer if he had a horse that smoked sigars Farmer replied no

‘Then your barn is on fire’

Edit: cigars obviously

Score: 0

A man walks up to a horse and says, "Why the long face?" The horse says, "My wife left me."

Score: 3

If your Uncle Jack needed help off of a horse... Would you help your Uncle Jack off?

Score: 4

What do you call a gangster horse? Alcapony.

Score: 4

My Dad's favorite sports are horse racing, bike racing, and women... ... basically anything where you can put a leg over something and ride it.

Score: 4

Another horse walks into a bar The barman says "why the long face?"

and the horse replies "because my entire family were killed and served to customers in Subway.

Score: 2

Horse walks into a bar, orders a drink, bartender says, "Why the long face?" Horse answers, "Because my alcoholism is destroying my family".

Score: 1

A horse walk in to a bar A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sir, why the long face."

Score: 1

What do you call a promiscuous farm animal A Horse

Score: 1

Why did Horse Santa put his dentist on the naughty list? You don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Score: 1

So I was talking to a race horse jockey... So I was talking to a race horse jockey who said he weighed 92 pounds soaking wet. I told him, that's what you get when you stand under your horse.

Score: 1

Today I tried water polo. My horse drowned...

Score: 3

I've already won my $500 with my friend about the big fight today Mayweather was not even a horse!

Score: 1

Why is the Mississippi so wide? Because Mr. Sippi is hung like a horse.

Score: 1

A horse walks to a bar... Many people get up and leave the bar as they see the potential danger in the situation.

Score: 0

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