Hilarious Horse Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Horse Jokes

Score: 13232

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears. This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

Score: 8855

Where do horses go when they get sick? To the horse-pital.

Just kidding, they get shot.

Score: 2809

I dreamt about a horse last night. It turned out to be a night mare.

Score: 1543

A horse walks into a bar "Hey", the Bartender says.

"Sure", the horse replies.

Score: 1530

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse". Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

Score: 1332

Dear people who don’t write capital letters, We’re the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Score: 926

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses Oh how the stables have turned

Score: 913

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.

Score: 867

Where do horses go when they break a leg? The Horse-pital!

Just kidding, they get shot.

Score: 858

A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey."

The horse says, "Sure."

Score: 847

What’s a horse’s primary concern when voting? A stable economy.

Score: 766

A horse walks into a bar and requests "Hello, I'd like some anthropomorphization please" The bartender replies: "I think you've had enough already"

Score: 609

A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger. Apparently he is now in a stable condition.

Score: 493

I have a horse named mayo... Mayo neighs.

Score: 463

Where does a horse go when it gets sick? A horse-pital!

Haha just kidding, they get shot.

Score: 463

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon. After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

Score: 403

You can lead a horse to water, but in Flint the water will be lead.

Score: 335

My horse was way more aggressive than usual today it threw me off

Score: 283

a man comes into a bar... or was it a horse?

yeah i think it was a horse.

so a man comes into a horse....

Score: 269

What's a vegan's favorite animal? A high horse

Score: 243

What's worse than beating a dead horse? Shooting a live gorilla

Score: 241

Where's the best place for a horse to grow up? In a stable environment.

Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.

Score: 227

Which horse runs the city? The mare, of course

Score: 213

A horse walks into a bar, The bartender says, “Hey!”

The horse replies, “Sure”.

Score: 210

I named my horse Mayo Sometimes Mayo neighs

Score: 188

A horse walks into a barn A horse walks into a barn

The Barntender says, "Hay, the usual?"

Score: 188

It just occurred to me that we have to make all the jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker while she's still alive.. Because after she dies it'll be like beating a dead horse...

Score: 187

Capitalization... Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Score: 186

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The horse says, "I just realized that I'm a metaphysical concept within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."

Score: 180

So a man came into a bar... Wait no, it was a horse!

So a man came into a horse...

Score: 167

I had a dream last night about an armored horse. It was a Knight mare.

Score: 156

A horse walks into a bar... The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family."

Score: 122

What happens to horses when the get hurt? They go to the Horse-spital!
Just Kidding they get shot.

Score: 115

There is no reason to beat a dead horse Unless it is flying United.

Score: 88

The vet determined that my horse constantly imagines himself to be homeless. He has been declared mentally unstable.

Score: 77

A horse walks into a bar Oh, sorry it was a woman. Let me start over.

A horse walks into a woman.

Score: 72

I've got a horse named Mayo Mayo neighs.

Score: 49

If a zoo had a half man half horse... Do you think it would be the centaur of attention?

Score: 44

Protip: If you're looking for a needle in a haystack... ...you should probably be more concerned about confronting your horse concerning his drug problem

Score: 43

New Horse Jokes

Why didn’t the horse go to the bar on singles night? He was already in a stable relationship.

Score: 6

I think it's important to keep the races separate. Just imagine how unfair it would be for a horse in NASCAR.

Score: 23

What do you call a spooky horse? A nightmare

Score: 12

That has got to be the worst painting of a wagon I have ever seen "It's a horse-drawn carriage", replied the artist.

Score: 10

I helped Jack off a horse. Jack seriously needs to learn how to climb down a horse by himself.

Score: 14

I have a noon appointment with the horse doctor How that horse became a doctor I do not know

Score: 5

A horse walks into a bar and says: 'On a right triangle with sides X, Y, and Z, if X and Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?' The bartender says Y, the long face.

Score: 5

If your Uncle Jack needed help off of a horse... Would you help your Uncle Jack off?

Score: 4

How many legs does a horse have? Two on the front, two on the back, two on the left, two on the right and one on each corner!

Score: 5

Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise? The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!

Score: 5

I tried playing water polo once My horse drowned

Score: 5

Capital letters The difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Score: 24

If in an earthquake, take shelter with a horse... Their houses are always stable

Score: 10

What is a Vegans favourite animal? The high horse.

Score: 5

A horse walks into a bar The bartender asks what's with the long face, the horse doesn't say anything because it's a horse, it doesn't understand English and it looks confused. It walks out the bar knocking over a few tables.

Score: 6

I think my horse is a blacksmith. I slapped him on the backside and he made a bolt for the door.

Score: 11

I try to avoid the homeless horse down the street I hear he's unstabled

Score: 22

What's the best thing to beat a dead horse with? A coconut.

Score: 10

Where do horses go when they get sick? The horse-pital.

Lol, just joking they get shot.

Score: 21

Why was the daydreaming horse put in an asylum? He was mentally unstabled

Score: 5

What is a horse's favorite wine? Chardoneigh

Score: 5

What do call a pessimistic horse? A neigh-sayer.

Score: 6

What do you call the horse and sheep who live next door? Your neigh-baas

Score: 33

Son of chief: "Father, how are we named?" Chief: "After you are born, your mother looks out of the teepee and names you the first thing she sees."

Son: "Oh wow, is that how you were named Soaring Eagle?"

Chief: "Yes, Horse Taking Dump"

Score: 18

What kind of car does a Japanese horse drive? A neigh-san

Score: 6

What’s the difference between a Texan and a Redneck? A Texan rides a horse, a Redneck rides his cousin

Score: 8

A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The horse responds, "My alcoholism is killing my family."

Score: 18

Little Timmy wasn't the most gifted student in the class. One day his teacher asked him to write a paragraph using the following words:

Defense
Defeat
Detail

This is what Timmy wrote -- The horse jumped over defense. First defeat. Then detail.

Score: 5

What did the horse say when he tripped? Help! I've fallen and can't giddy up!

Score: 7

What did the horse say when it fell over? Help I've fallen and I can't giddyup

Score: 28

A doctor is talking to a patient. P: Am I going to be okay?

D: You're as healthy as a horse-

P: YAY!

D: -with cancer.

Score: 14

Ten horses walk out of a bar. They see another horse getting mugged by a big scary dude in an alleyway. The horses are unsure if they should intervene. One brave horse says, "Let's put it to a vote! If you want to help him, say aye!" They don't help him.

Score: 6

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?" The horse says Alcoholism is destroying my family.

Score: 25

What do you get when you crossbreed a horse with a rabbit? A dead rabbit.

Score: 10

I'm starting to feel that the united airlines memes are like beating a dead horse. so to save everyone some energy I bought the horse a ticket to fly United.

Score: 20

I know everyone is getting sick of these United jokes but We won't stop beating this dead horse until it volunteers to get off the plane

Score: 4

Capitalization is the difference between Helping your uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse

Score: 12

What do you call an aroused horse? Horneigh.

Score: 6

I lost all my money betting on horse races. Turns out they can run WAY faster than I can.

Score: 12

How do you get down from a horse? You can't... You can only get down from a goose

Score: 36

What made the hearse horse hoarse? The Coffin

Score: 24

I help my friend Jack off a horse I mean I helped my friend, Jack, off a horse

Score: 4

I had a scary dream about a horse last night Man what a nightmare

Score: 6

A priest.... A priest, an Irishman, a horse, a gorilla, a twelve inch pianist and an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Score: 5

Why can't the pony yell? His voice is too horse.

Score: 5

A bartender walks into a stable The horse says "Why the wrong place?"

Score: 27

What do you call a wine loving horse? Chardon-neigh.

Score: 7

A horse walks into a bar The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

The horse starts crying. In between the sobs, he says "it's not my fault I look like Sarah Jessica Parker!"

Score: 4

What do you call the horse that lives next door? Your NEIGHHHbor

Credit: 6y/o nephew

Score: 5

A horse walks into a bar He saddles up to the counter.

The bartender asks

"Would you like a drink?"

The horse replies

"Neigh."

(I'm so sorry)

Score: 4

What do you call a horse without a head? A headless horse, man.

Score: 5

Why did the man get a job as a horse handler? He wanted stable employment

Score: 4

A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

Score: 6

What do you call something that is half horse and half pig? A mounted police officer

Score: 4

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather But not like the rest of this joke, getting beaten like a dead horse

Score: 4

A man goes in to talk to his psychologist. A man says to his psychologist, "I keep dreaming that I'm a sadistic, necrophiliac zoophile. Should I be worried, or am I just beating a dead horse?"

Score: 13

What do you call a negative horse? A neigh-sayer

Score: 8

So a guy came into a bar... No... wait, it was a horse.

So a guy came into a horse...

Score: 24

It should have been a pony. A small horse walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "I can't hear you!"
The horse says "Sorry I'm a little hoarse."

Score: 5

A pony recently got to work as a teacher, But 1 day before school starts he got a cold. Naturally he couldn't talk as loud as usual so the next day he comes into the class and says: "Good morning! Sorry if I'm being a bit quiet, I'm just a little horse."

Score: 9