Horse Jokes

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Funniest Horse Jokes

Funny Horse Jokes
Score: 13232

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears. This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

Score: 8855

Where do horses go when they get sick? To the horse-pital.



Just kidding, they get shot.

Score: 2809

I dreamt about a horse last night. It turned out to be a night mare.

Score: 1543

A horse walks into a bar "Hey", the Bartender says.

"Sure", the horse replies.

Score: 1530

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse". Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

Score: 1332

Dear people who don’t write capital letters, We’re the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Score: 926

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses Oh how the stables have turned

Score: 913

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.

Score: 867

Where do horses go when they break a leg? The Horse-pital!

Just kidding, they get shot.

Score: 858

A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey."

The horse says, "Sure."

Score: 847

What’s a horse’s primary concern when voting? A stable economy.

Score: 766

A horse walks into a bar and requests "Hello, I'd like some anthropomorphization please" The bartender replies: "I think you've had enough already"

Score: 609

A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger. Apparently he is now in a stable condition.

Score: 493

I have a horse named mayo... Mayo neighs.

Score: 463

Where does a horse go when it gets sick? A horse-pital!

Haha just kidding, they get shot.

Score: 463

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon. After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

Score: 403

You can lead a horse to water, but in Flint the water will be lead.

Score: 335

My horse was way more aggressive than usual today it threw me off

Score: 283

a man comes into a bar... or was it a horse?

yeah i think it was a horse.

so a man comes into a horse....

Score: 269

What's a vegan's favorite animal? A high horse

Score: 243

What's worse than beating a dead horse? Shooting a live gorilla

Score: 241

Where's the best place for a horse to grow up? In a stable environment.

Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.

Score: 227

Which horse runs the city? The mare, of course

Score: 213

A horse walks into a bar, The bartender says, “Hey!”

The horse replies, “Sure”.

Score: 210

I named my horse Mayo Sometimes Mayo neighs

Score: 188

A horse walks into a barn A horse walks into a barn

The Barntender says, "Hay, the usual?"

Score: 188

It just occurred to me that we have to make all the jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker while she's still alive.. Because after she dies it'll be like beating a dead horse...

Score: 187

Capitalization... Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Score: 186

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The horse says, "I just realized that I'm a metaphysical concept within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."

Score: 180

A horse walks into a bar... The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family."

Score: 122

The vet determined that my horse constantly imagines himself to be homeless. He has been declared mentally unstable.

Score: 77

So a guy came into a bar... No... wait, it was a horse.



So a guy came into a horse...

Score: 24

I think it's important to keep the races separate. Just imagine how unfair it would be for a horse in NASCAR.

Score: 23

I helped Jack off a horse. Jack seriously needs to learn how to climb down a horse by himself.

Score: 14

A man goes in to talk to his psychologist. A man says to his psychologist, "I keep dreaming that I'm a sadistic, necrophiliac zoophile. Should I be worried, or am I just beating a dead horse?"

Score: 13

What do you call a spooky horse? A nightmare

Score: 12

That has got to be the worst painting of a wagon I have ever seen "It's a horse-drawn carriage", replied the artist.

Score: 10

A pony recently got to work as a teacher, But 1 day before school starts he got a cold. Naturally he couldn't talk as loud as usual so the next day he comes into the class and says: "Good morning! Sorry if I'm being a bit quiet, I'm just a little horse."

Score: 9

What do you call a negative horse? A neigh-sayer

Score: 8

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New Horse Jokes

The Melbourne Cup horse race is on again this coming Tuesday. I really hope the big goofy orange horse doesn't win.

Score: 0

A doctor asks a horse, "Why the long face?" The horse says, "My alcoholism is destroying my family."

Score: 0

Proof-reading is vital - for example, you might accodentally type "I helped my uncle Jack off his horse." When really, all you did was sit and watch.

Score: 0

Why do boars who make horse sounds live near eachother? Because they are neigh-boars.

Score: 0

I went to pick up the bag of horse hair I had ordered Shopkeeper: we are out of horse hair but I do have this nice bag of prevaricating goose feathers
Me: I ordered horse hair. I am *not* taking this lying down!

Score: 0

I went to a hotel on Friday, stayed for three nights, and came back on Friday. My horse is named Friday.

Score: 0

Where does the horse go when it breaks it’s leg the horsepital. Just kidding It gets shot

Score: 2

If Jack helps you on the horse Are you going to help Jack off the horse?

Score: 1

Why didn’t the horse go to the bar on singles night? He was already in a stable relationship.

Score: 6

I knew it wouldn't go well when my sister told my dad that she wanted to be a horse, but I wasn't prepared for the way he went off on her. ... into the sunset.

Score: 2

Why don't horse stables have windows Cause qho has ever heard of stable windows.
(this joke is from an old point & click spongebob game)

Score: 2

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says 'why the long face?' The horse said 'my wife has terminal cancer'

Score: 3

You shouldn't say "i helped my uncle jack off a horse" Instead you should say "I spent the summer working on my uncle's husbandry farm."

Score: 3

I am going to buy a horse and name it "Mayo" so that then I will actually enjoy Mayo neighs.

Score: 2

What is a mute horse's favourite type of communication? Morse

Score: 2

Why did the pony order a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!

Score: 1

Why did Sean Connery's Horse drown? Because it was a Shehorse.

Score: 1

Clear and concise writing can mean the difference between "I helped my uncle jack off a horse"... and "I spent my summer working on the family's husbandry ranch."

Score: 4

A horse walks to a bar, the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse replies, “My alcoholism is destroying my family”.

Score: 2

What's the difference between a horse and a gorrila? A gorrila sells the glue.

Score: 2

What's the difference between an equine animal owned by the Dalai Llama and and equine animal at Cheltenham? Ones a Tibetan horse the others a horse Tibetan.

This is an entirely original joke that I came up with. I like it.

Score: 1

Do you want a stable friendship? Get a horse.

Score: 2

My doctor told me to stop eating pony meat It was making me a little horse

Score: 3

If jack was on A horse If jack was on a horse....
And he wanted to get off the horse...
Would you help jack off the horse....

Score: 2

I phoned up the vet and asked how my horse was getting on. He said he's in a stable condition.

Score: 1

What do you call a horse who takes all the groceries in at once? A one trip pony

Score: 1

I frequently help my uncle Jack off his horse He’s much to old to do it on his own

Score: 3

The mailman asked the farmer if he had a horse that smoked sigars Farmer replied no

‘Then your barn is on fire’

Edit: cigars obviously

Score: 0

A man walks up to a horse and says, "Why the long face?" The horse says, "My wife left me."

Score: 3

If your Uncle Jack needed help off of a horse... Would you help your Uncle Jack off?

Score: 4

I've been told to take 'hung like a horse' off my tinder profile Apparently My Little Pony doesn't count

Score: 1

A Rabbi, a horse, and a leprechaun walk into a bar... ...and the bartender says, "What do guys think this is, a joke?"

Score: 2

Another horse walks into a bar The barman says "why the long face?"

and the horse replies "because my entire family were killed and served to customers in Subway.

Score: 2

Horse walks into a bar, orders a drink, bartender says, "Why the long face?" Horse answers, "Because my alcoholism is destroying my family".

Score: 1

I ordered a horse from a rancher, but got a mule. Seems he half-assed it...

Score: 2

So this guy comes in a smokeshop So this guy comes in a smokeshop.
No wait! A horse!







So this guy comes in a horse

Score: 2

Why did the man get a job as a horse handler? He wanted stable employment

Score: 4

Why did Horse Santa put his dentist on the naughty list? You don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Score: 1

I ordered a horse from a rancher, but got a mule. Seems he just half-assed it.

Score: 1

A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

Score: 6

What do you call a mummy on a horse? A knight in Charmin armor.

Score: 2

What do you call something that is half horse and half pig? A mounted police officer

Score: 4

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather But not like the rest of this joke, getting beaten like a dead horse

Score: 4

If Jack helped you off a horse Would you help jack off a horse?

Score: 2

Today I tried water polo. My horse drowned...

Score: 3

A baby horse is found injured. The cause of the injury is unknown, but foal play is suspected.

Score: 1

When I look up at the majesty of all them stars it really gets me to thinkin, when we gonna get that ding dong roof patched up!?

Ah horse apples!

Score: 3

What do you call someone who's got a horse for a mother and a fruit for a father? A Frenchman.

Score: 2

A horse walks to a bar... Many people get up and leave the bar as they see the potential danger in the situation.

Score: 0

It should have been a pony. A small horse walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "I can't hear you!"
The horse says "Sorry I'm a little hoarse."

Score: 5

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