Horse Jokes

Contents

Funniest Horse Jokes

Funny Horse Jokes

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears. This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

I dreamt about a horse last night. It turned out to be a night mare.

A horse walks into a bar "Hey", the Bartender says.

"Sure", the horse replies.

Dear people who don’t write capital letters, We’re the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses Oh how the stables have turned

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.

A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey."

The horse says, "Sure."

A horse walks into a bar and requests "Hello, I'd like some anthropomorphization please" The bartender replies: "I think you've had enough already"

I have a horse named mayo... Mayo neighs.

Where does a horse go when it gets sick? A horse-pital!

Haha just kidding, they get shot.

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon. After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

You can lead a horse to water, but in Flint the water will be lead.

My horse was way more aggressive than usual today it threw me off

Where does a horse go when it gets sick? The horse-pital



Just kidding it gets shot

What's a vegan's favorite animal? A high horse

Where's the best place for a horse to grow up? In a stable environment.

Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.

Which horse runs the city? The mare, of course

A horse walks into a bar, The bartender says, “Hey!”

The horse replies, “Sure”.

I named my horse Mayo Sometimes Mayo neighs

A horse walks into a barn A horse walks into a barn

The Barntender says, "Hay, the usual?"

Capitalization... Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The horse says, "I just realized that I'm a metaphysical concept within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."

I called my horse Mayo. Mayo neighs.

Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail? When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars, now it's the reverse Oh, how the stables have turned

Thor Thor is riding on the back of his mighty war horse. He shouts "I AM THOR! I AM THOR!" His horse replies: "That's because you forgot your thaddle thilly!"

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses. The stables have turned

A horse walks into a bar... The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family."

Number 7 Mark dreams number 7.

He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.

He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.

Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.

Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.

The horse comes seventh.

Stop with the Logan Paul jokes... It's like beating a dead horse and i don't want to give him anymore video ideas.

My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake. She's a nightmare

How do you make a horse drink? Put it in the blender

I have a horse named Mayo Sometimes mayo neighs.

My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing... "And they're off!"

There is no reason to beat a dead horse Unless it is flying United.

Why is the horse so happy? Because he lives in a stable environment.

The vet determined that my horse constantly imagines himself to be homeless. He has been declared mentally unstable.

A horse walks into a bar Oh, sorry it was a woman. Let me start over.

A horse walks into a woman.

A horse walks into a triangular bar of dimensions X,Y, and Z, where X and Z are perpendicular. He asks the barman where the toilets are. "Y, the long face."

Popular Topics

New Horse Jokes

What happens when a horse dies on a racetrack? All the other racers beat a dead horse.

Does your horse smoke? No? Then I think your stable is burning

What do you call a pessimistic horse impersonator? A nay-sayer.

If you're looking for a needle in a haystack... ...you should probably be more concerned about confronting your horse concerning his drug problem.

What do you call a horse with insomnia? A nightmare.

Never get on a horse that let itself out of the barn. It's unstable.

I have a horse called Mayo. Sometimes Mayo neighs

A shy horse wants to go to the bar and have a drink. But he does not want to be seen in public. So he puts on a a donkey mask. Wearing the donkey mask, the horse walks into the bar.

The Chinese bartender says, "Hey, why the wrong face?"

What do you call flammable gel that's made from horse hands? Neighpalm

Young Arnold Schwarzenegger is selected to play a horse in his school play with another kid The costume consists of two parts. The front part and the rear.

So the kid says: "Ok Arnold, I'll be the front."

So Arnold agrees and says: "I'll be back."

I bought a really old race horse today, I called him My Face. I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh fuckers shouting "Come on My Face."

I bought oats for my horse but they were moldy so I returned them and told the manager he should have better quality control. He took my feedback.

I decided to give water polo a try last week It was quite fun until my horse drowned

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a blonde, a duck and a horse walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "is this some kind of joke?"

A horse walks into a bar and says, "A right triangle with sides x, y, and z where x and z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?"

The bartender says,

"Y, the long face."

A horse walks into a bar Bartender: hey


Horse: yes please

It’s okay for me to use gorilla glue but as soon as I start using horse glue everyone gets all angry Aren’t gorillas like, super endangered? WTF

to ride a horse or not to ride a horse that is equestrian

*gestures at horses* here are the stables \*gestures at other, flickering, vibrating horses. one horse explodes* and here are the unstables

What is a horse expert called? >!A stable genius!<

A young farmer is being taught by an old hand how to take care of the animals. Today he's showing him how to shoe a horse Halfway through the old man asks:

"So, have you ever shoed a horse before"

And the young farmer says:

"No, but I once told a cow to [email protected]&$ off!"

I think it's important to keep the races separate. Just imagine how unfair it would be for a horse in NASCAR.

I went to the races and put fifty bucks on a horse that came in at 25 to 1! Unfortunately the rest of the field came in at 12:33.

A horse walked in a bar... Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

I named my horse mayo And sometimes mayo neighs

My wife and child left me due to my horse racing addiction Aaaand they're off

A horse walks into a triangular bar... ... of dimensions X,Y, and Z, where X and Z are perpendicular. He asks the barman where the toilets are.


The barman replies, "Y, the long face"

Dear people who don't use capital letters. We're the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse

Please help me find my lost horse, Black Beauty. The horse was last seen near the white fence I was repainting.
Side note, is anyone missing a zebra?

My wife and kids are going to leave me accusing me of being obsessed with horse racing And they’re offfffff

My cousin Jack was horse riding yesterday, and he wanted a break. But he couldn’t get down until the horse was satisfied So I had to help my cousin Jack off his horse

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey"
The horse replies "Sure"

Horse looks at a car engine. "I fail to see how 350 of us are going to fit in here."

A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse But She was just pullin my leg

100 years ago everyone owned a horse... 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today, everyone owns a car and only the rich have horses.

How the stables have turned.

If horse racing is the "sport of kings" is drag racing the sport of queens?

I call my horse Mayo And sometimes Mayo neighs

A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”


The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

I used to be into necrophilia and bestiality But then I realized I was just beating a dead horse

A horse walks into a bar The bartender says “hey”

The horse says “...sure”

Popular Topics

Long Horse Jokes

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full version. Give my friends lyrics sheets, so they can join in. I want a full backing orchestra. A gospel choir. When we reach the crescendo I want to fire an AR15 into the air, to celebrate our God given rights to bear arms'

It will be done, says the genie

The Japanese guy goes next. 'I love my country too. Nothing represents it better than our wonderful cuisine. Please let me taste one more time, the delicacies of my village. I want fermented sticky soy beans. Fresh sea urchin. Raw horse meat. Pickled seaweed. Sugared omelettes. And please....provide enough so I can share the meal with my friends'

It will be done, says the genie

The Englishman quietly approaches the genie, and whispers in his ear

'Just kill me before the food and that bloody song'

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.

As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle. "Is this your last request?" the chief asks. "Uh, no," says the cowboy. "My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more." "Ok..." says the chief. The cowboy leans into his horses ear and hisses,

"You idiot! I said 'Posse! Posse!"

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"


Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."


Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"


Dog: "Doin' all right."


Villager: (look of extreme shock)


Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)


Dog: "Yep"


Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"


Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."


Villager: (look of utter disbelief)


Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"


Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."


Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"


Horse: "Cool"


Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)


Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)


Horse: "Yep"


Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"


Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."


Villager: (total look of amazement)


Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your goat?"


Villager: (in a panic) "The goat's a liar!"

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is stuck. She throws a rope around the horse’s neck, and slams on the accelerator, saving the horse from sinking in the puddle.

A few days go by and they are playing in the field again. This time, the hen gets stuck.

Hen: “Help, go get the car like I did for you and help me out!”

The horse, realizing there isn’t much time since the hen is much smaller than he, stretches out over the length of the puddle.

Horse: Reach up and grab hold of my ‘thing’.

The hen obliges, and the horse starts to stand straight up to pull his friend out of the puddle.

The moral of this story is: If you’re hung like a horse, then you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmmmm... all these sevens... I think the universe is trying to tell me something."

So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called "Lucky Universe". The man can't believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.

The horse came in seventh.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine.”

The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?”

Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?”

Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, “What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?”

Tommy said, “I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Tommy smiled and said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back.”

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . ‘

‘Go away!’ said the old lady. ‘I’m broke and haven’t got any money!’ and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.’

The old lady stepped back and said, ‘Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.

I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.

She summoned all three suitors to the grand hall and announced - "whoever brings me the most ping pong balls shall have my hand in marriage - this is my test of love!" Each suitor goes off to meet the challenge.

The first suitor comes back a few weeks later with loads and loads of horse drawn carriages filled with ping pong balls. The convoy stretches as far as the eye can see. All together they amount to 1 million ping pong balls and the princess is impressed.

The second suitor realises he has to up his game and hires a fleet of ships to gather deliver the ping pong balls. A few months later ships upon ships line the harbour in front of the princess' castle, and the princess swoons at the sight of 100 million ping pong balls being offered to her.

The third and final suitor then shows up a year later. He's all bloodied and beaten up, horrible scars across his arms. In his left hand he clutches a big brown heavy sack. The princess confronts him, clearly unimpressed and says "what are you doing!? Clearly this can't beat the 100 million ping pong balls I had from my second suitor! Stop wasting my time!"

Confused, the third suitor says to the princess as she turns to leave "but my princess, I thought you said KING KONG balls!!"

I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"

"Go away" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" She proceeds to close the door.

Quick as a flash the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open."Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum does not remove all traces of manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said "well let me get you a fork, cause they cut off my electricity this morning.


Credits goes to the homemade humor.


Sadly their site isn't around any more so I thought I can share some of their best works with you all.

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

*****

Obligatory "thank's for the gold" edit. I'm glad you all enjoyed this joke so much.

Did Santa get you that?

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher.

"I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%?" he asked.

"Well" said the instructor, 'You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!"

The driest, most esoteric joke I know.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Tony and Maria get married...

..and they're spending their honeymoon night at her mother's house. Maria, being a good Italian girl, is a virgin, and has never seen a naked man. The newlyweds go upstairs and start getting undressed.

Tony takes his shirt off, and Maria shrieks and runs downstairs where her mother is making some tomato sauce.

"Momma, momma! Tony has a hairy chest!" cries Maria.

"Men are supposed to have hairy chests, go back upstairs."

So Maria sheepishly goes back upstairs.

When she gets back, Tony starts pulling off his pants, and again, Maria shrieks and runs downstairs.

"Momma, momma! Tony has hairy legs!"

"Men are supposed have hair legs, go back upstairs."

And back upstairs she goes. When she gets back, she watches Tony pull off his socks and notices he's missing three toes on his left foot. He explains he got his foot stepped on by a horse and lost those toes. Once more, Maria runs downstairs.

"Momma, momma! Tony has a foot and a half!"

"Stir the sauce, honey, momma will handle this."

Edit: obviously my self post would make front page XD

A horse named Boris.

Once upon a time, there was a horse named Boris.

Boris used to be a famous race horse. He'd won countless trophies, and was famous across the world.

Then, suddenly, at the peak of his career, Boris was involved in a horrible accident. Between races his private jet was hijacked and crashed, and only Boris survived. However, Boris was devastated. His friends, his family, and his colleagues had all been lost on one fell swoop.

"I'll never race again!" he vowed.

So Boris quit his job, and found an old farmer who agreed to take him in. Old Farmer John was his name, and he loved Boris like a son.

However, the incident in Boris' past had led him to a life of recluse. He was fearful that everything would go wrong again, and so he spent every day in the barn.

And Old Farmer John took pity on Boris, and so he decided something.

Every week, Old Farmer John would go onto the town to sell his produce. And every week, he would set aside a small amount of money for Boris.

And every week, he would buy Boris a present, in the hope that one day, he'd be reminded of the wonderful life outside the barn, and he'd be happy again.

One thing he bought Boris was a CD player.

Another was a brand new computer..

But the best thing he ever gave to Boris was this:

Ten gallons of beer.

Let me explain.

On his many trips to town, Old Farmer John would pass a pub. It was called The Fine Race Horse, and among those who drank there, it was famed for having the best beer... In the world.

But it was only a small pub, and as such it wasn't visited by very many people, and it one day went out of business.

And when Old Farmer John heard this, he immediately got up and went into town, and spoke to the old owner. And John agreed to buy all his remaining beer.

And so, John came back from town one day, and gave Boris the beer. He'd never seen Boris so happy. It made his heart rejoice.

And for months, Boris would talk about this beer, and how it was the best gift he'd ever been given.

But one day, Old Farmer John came home with a brand new guitar. And Boris remembered the CD player he'd been given, and he remembered his favourite songs.

And Boris picked up the guitar, and he began to play a song.

And he was __good__.

And after hearing his song, John went over to Boris and said

"that was the best thing I've ever heard. You should go out into town and see the record company about starting a band!"

At first, Boris was hesitant. But eventually, he decided that Old Farmer John was right. He'd been his barn for so long. But now it was time for him to rise to fame again!

So he packed a few things, and grabbed his guitar and got on the next bus into town.

And on the way, he met a pig.

The pig's name was David, and David could play the drums.

And just like Boris, David the pig was on his way into town trying to make his name as a musician.

So Boris said

"hey, why don't we team up and make a band, after all, we're both animals with a talent. We could be the next big thing!"

And David agreed, and the two of them continued on into town.

At the next stop, a Hen got onto the bus. And her name was Sophie, and Sophie liked to sing.

She knew all the words to all the songs in the world.

And so, Boris the Horse and David the Pig went over to Sophie the Hen and said

"hey, why don't we team up and make a band, after all, we're all animals with a talent. We could be the next big thing!"

And Sophie agreed, and the three of them went to the record store, and started their band.

And they were an instant hit. They became a worldwide phenomenon almost overnight. They scored TV deals and sponsorships, and once again Boris had reached the life of fame.

They toured with all sorts of other famous bands, appearing alongside the likes of The Rolling Stones and Electric Light Orchestra.

And then, one day, they got the biggest deal of their lives.

They got invited to go on a world tour. They would play their music in every country on earth. By the time they were done, the whole world would know their name.

And so, of they went, from one country to the next, playing their music every step of the way.

They played in every city and in every town. And the Horse, the Hen and the Pig became a household name.

And when they got back home, they knew, they had reached the peak of their careers.

And they kept touring, playing in many countries across the globe.

But one day, everything changed.

One day, before they were set to fly out for their next performance, Boris received a phone call from the hospital in his home town.

And he found out that Old Farmer John had passed away.

So he decided to head back home so could Bury the man he treated like a father. So he said to Sophie and David

"you go on ahead, I'll be with you in a day or two."

So the pig and the hen went of in their private jet, and Boris the Horse went home to Bury Old Farmer John.

But when he got home, he was in for a shock.

He received a call from his agent, and discovered that the private jet that David and Sophie were on had exploded in a freak accident, and there were no survivors.

And Boris was struck with grief.

For the second time in his life, he had lost everyone he loved.

And he became depressed, and stumbled into his old barn, and decided to take his own life.

But then he saw something that stopped him.

Because in the old barn, was the huge tank that once contained the 10 gallons of beer.

And so, Boris decided that instead of suicide, he would have a few drinks, and would go on and turn his life around.

So Boris goes into town, and sees the pub, The Fine Race Horse, and underneath the sign on the door, he sees another sign, saying "grand re-opening."

And Boris knows that this is where he will have his beers, and forget all his sorrows, and turn his life around.

And so Boris the Horse enters the bar. And the bartender takes a look at him, and he asks

"why the long face?"

Within a small tribe of Native Indians, some of the men ask the chief how cold the winter will be...

The chief replies "It will be a very cold winter, we must get a lot of wood"

So, the men go out and collect the winter supply of wood, with some extra just in case. They go back the the chief and ask if it will be enough, to which, he replies: "It will be a *very* cold winter, go get more wood.

So again, the men go out and collect more wood, they find the Chief again and ask if it will be enough, to which he replies: "No, it will be a **very** cold winter, you must get more wood."

This happens four more times, until the Chief comes to the realization that if it is not a cold winter, they will kill him for lying to them, and for making them collect so much wood. So the Chief decides to the local town to ask the meteorologist how cold the winter will be. He get's on his horse and heads out. Upon reaching the meteorologist, he asks him "how cold will the winter be?".

The meteorologist responds "Oh, it will be a very cold winter this year"

The chief, relieved, asks how he knows this, to which the meteorologist replies "Just look at how much wood the Indians are collecting!"

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’

A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’

An Australian ventriloquist visiting Afghanistan, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"


Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."


Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"


Dog: "Doin' all right."


Villager: (look of extreme shock)


Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)


Dog: "Yep"


Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"


Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."


Villager: (look of utter disbelief)


Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"


Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."


Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"


Horse: "Cool"


Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)


Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)


Horse: "Yep"


Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"


Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."


Villager: (total look of amazement)


Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your goat?"


Villager: (in a panic) "The goat's a liar!"

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.

EDIT: Changed the comma to a period.

Popular Topics