Orange Jokes

Contents

Funniest Orange Jokes

Funny Orange Jokes

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female… If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

If Trump replaces Obama as president, Orange will be the new Black.

I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory...... I just couldn’t concentrate.

What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common? They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump? Because orange is the new black.

I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer. He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."

I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda. When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female... If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice. Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

Donald Trump is like a marshmallow... He's easy to roast, a little orange on top, catches fire easily, and will melt down when he gets under too much heat.

How is Donald Trump like a pumpkin? He is orange on the outside, hollow on the inside, and should have been thrown out in early November.

I miss the days when the Annoying Orange was just a fictional youtube character And not the President of the United States.

My friend said to me what rhymes with orange No. It doesn't.

How did Hitler like his orange juice? Concentrated.

What does Donald Trump tell Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

(I'll show myself out...)

What was the codename for the transition from Obama to Trump? Orange is the new black

What do you call gingers in Auschwitz? Concentrated Orange Jews

If Donald trump takes over the presidency after Obama I guess you could say orange really is the new black

I Just got fired from the orange juice factory. They said I could not concentrate

If Donald Trump replaces Obama.... ...Does that mean Orange is the new Black?

How can you tell if an orange is male or female? If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

[Offensive] What do you get when you cross a bowl of fruit and the holocaust? Orange Jews from concentrate

Bartender asks a man "You ever had ann orange in your beer?" Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."

Last night I dreamed the oceans were made of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.

What’s the difference between an orange and the Torah? One can make acidic juice and the other can make Hasidic Jews

(Just made this up today)

You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.

How do I know that Trump will be our next president? Because Orange is the new Black.

What was Hitler's favorite drink? Orange jews, 100% concentrated

Do you ever put an orange in your beer? Once in a Blue Moon

Someone once told me that nothing rhymes with orange ... I said, "no it doesn't...."

Why couldn't the apple speak to the orange ? because he didn't know Mandarin

Blue Guy lives in the blue house, red guy lives in the red house, purple guy lives in the purple house, orange guy... Lives in the White House.

The Beatles all walk into an orange underwater vehicle Oops, wrong sub

Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... An orange a day keeps the plumber away...

Basically if you throw fruit at people they go away.

I was walking past a prison the other day, and I saw a dwarf in an orange jumpsuit shimmying down the side of the building.

I thought to myself, “now that’s a little con descending.”

Someone asked if I ever put an orange slice in my beer. Once, in a Blue Moon.

What does orange juice and my dad have in common? They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.

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New Orange Jokes

What do you call a sea full of orange soda? A fantasea

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice? Because it said concentrate.

What does lebron james and stormy Daniels have in common They both play with orange balls

Vietnam vs COVID What do the Vietnam War and COVID-19 have in common in the USA?

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Agent Orange is responsible of a lot of birth defects even years after it ends.

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Stay Safe, don't inject Bleach!

Just discovered there is an award you can give that doesn't require buying any coins! I've been handing out orange and blue arrows ever since.

What's a vampires favorite fruit? A blood orange

I once had the wildest dream, I was able to fly and when I flew over the oceans I saw they were made up of orange soda... Then I woke up and realized it was a Fanta sea.

What did the monkey do when he saw the rabbit? Painted his balls orange to look like a carrot!

I had a dream I was swimming in a sea of orange soda. It was my Fanta sea.

An orange is in a supermarket The security guard comes over to him and asks “what are you doing?”
The orange replies “nothing, just looking round”

Why did the orange go to the beauty salon? Because it needed a peeling.

Last night i had a dream that i was swimming in an ocean of orange soda When i woke up i realised it was just a fanta-sea

If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare. If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare. They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!

Whats Orange and bad for your teeth? A brick

What’s orange and sound like a parrot? A carrot.

You know those orange and white fish at the Chinese restaurant? Apparently they can grow to fit their environment. You want a bigger fish? Just get a bigger pool! So it’s not so much that I’m fat; I’m just being koi.

(OC)

Why didn't the apple and orange get married? Because fruit cantaloupe.

I rarely put orange slices in my beer. Once in a Blue Moon.

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea

Why did the orange melons have a big church wedding? They canteloupe.

The reason orange juice doesn't slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.

I had a new cocktail this evening. It’s called “The Donald”. It’s an orange peel on top of a White Russian.

Why was a man staring at a carton of orange juice? Because it said concentrate

The red guy lives in the red house, the green guy lives in the green house, and the yellow guy lives in the yellow house. Which house does the orange guy live in? The white house.

A joke told to me today by a little old man at Taco Bell completely out of the blue Why was the man fired from his job at the orange juice factory?

He couldn’t concentrate.

Why did the lady keep staring at her glass of orange juice? because the carton said "concentrate" on it.

I had a dream I was swimming in a fizzy orange ocean... It was a Fanta sea.

I've got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.

I dreamed last night I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda... Then I woke up and realized it was just a fanta sea.

Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it "Nico-tang"

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? An orange parrot

Why did the orange fleshed melon have to have a traditional marriage ceremony? Obviously because it Cantelope.

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice? Because on the container it said concentrate.

I'd choose a grapefruit over an orange any day. It's more a-peelin'

What is orange and impeached? A peach tree in fall.

I had a really weird dream last night. I was floating on an ocean of orange flavoured fizzy drink, then Queen music started to play. I found myself wondering; Is this the real life? Is this just fanta sea?

What type of house is blue, orange and doesn't scream divorce? A Greenhouse!

Why did Melania marry Donald? She heard orange was the new black.

Trump was always known as the Orange Man I guess now he will be known as the Peach Man.

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Long Orange Jokes

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”

My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”

To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”

"How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father.

“Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.

A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar.

The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?"
"Yes, I am" he replies. "Well Mr. President it's an honor."
Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes I am", Obama responds. "Two presidents in my bar in one day; this is the highlight of my life" the barman gushes.

Then the orange man walks up to the bar. The barman immediately tells him to get out of the bar. Furiously, he asks why and the barman exclaims "Ted; you just got a new liver last week. Your wife would kill me if I gave you a drink."

You must be single...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly."

An elderly man in Florida . . .

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

Haven't done that in a year..

A Dad wakes up and starts making breakfast on New Years Day. The son comes down to the kitchen and as the Dad serves him eggs he goes:

"Morning son, it looks like you haven't eaten all year."

The son scowls at the terrible Dad joke and digs into his eggs. The daughter comes down to the breakfast table and the Dad pours her a glass of orange juice:

"Good morning Daughter, you must be thirsty. It looks like you haven't had anything all year. "

both children scowl and continue their breakfast. The wife finally comes down to the table and as she sits down the father rolls some sausages on to her plate.

"Good morning Wif--"

The son interupts:

"OKAY DAD WE GET IT. TAKE A DAILY ACTIVITY, SAY YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT IN A YEAR- NOT FUNNY"

The Dad calmly keeps serving breakfast and says:

"Son, I was just telling your Mother to enjoy her sausages. The joke wouldn't work since this would be her second serving today."

Edit: He winks

Edit Edit: Wife winks back

Edit Edit Edit: "In a year" to "all year"

Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are Birth Control pills?"

"Yes. They help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you that there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep."

The elderly woman reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes dear, I know that. But, every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. Believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

Conveyor Belt

A man was shopping at his local supermarket where he selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

He unloaded his items on the conveyor belt to check out, and the cashier said "You must be single."

The young man was a bit startled by this proclamation,
but he was intrigued by the check-out girl's intuition, since he was indeed single. He looked at his six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about his selections that could have tipped off the cashier.

Curiosity getting the better of him, he said "Well, you
know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The cashier replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Room #39

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss.

-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g.

The boss agreed though he was surprized at the weird things the client asked to have.

The client went into his room, he didn't ask for food or anything else.

Unfortunately for the boss, his room was next to room 39.

After midnight, the boss heard strange voices and noise in that client's room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor.

The boss didn't sleep that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise.

In the morning, when the client handed the keys to the boss, the latter asked to see the room first.

He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table.

The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.

The boss was in a shock but he didn't reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself.

After one year, the client showed up again. He asked to see the boss again. The boss was in a puzzle.

The client asked the same things: room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and an orange 79g.

This time, the boss wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the year before.

Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face.

The boss started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask room 39? why the white thread? why the black knife??? In fact, the boss didn't arrive to any convincing answer to all these questions.

The boss now was eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client showed up.

To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same client showed up. He asked the same questions. Wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before.

The boss again heard the same noises, this time more louder than before.

In the morning, when the client was leaving the hotel, the boss apologized politely to the client and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.

-''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?''
-''I promise I will never let anyone know''.
-''Swear?''
-''I swear I won't reveal your secret''

So finally, the client revealed his secret to the boss.

Unfortunately, the boss was a sincere person. Until now he hasn't revealed his secret to anyone.

Mailman's Last Day Surprise

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?"
He said, "...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket ...

... where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly."

Bag Boy

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.The manager says no. The bagger says, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager answers, "I'm sorry, son, but baggers can't be juicers."

A prostitution ring gets busted one afternoon.

As all of the girls were lined up outside the police station to get booked, one of the girls noticed her grandma walking by, who came up to her and said, “Why Hello?! What are you waiting in line for dear?”

The prostitute, embarrassed, lies and says she’s waiting in line for an orange stand, to which the Grandma replied, “Oh, I would love some oranges!”

As the prostitute and her grandma came to the front of the line, the policeman asked the Grandma, “How do you still do it at this age?”

The Grandma replied, “I just pull out my dentures, pull back the skin, and suck it dry!”

2 slabs of concrete walk into a bar..

They sit down and start discussing how tough they are, until the barman asks what they want.

Concrete 1: I'll have a pint, and a shot of tequila, because I'm hard! I'm tough and can handle anything!

So the barman gets his drinks and asks the second.

Concrete 2: me? I'll have 2 pints, and 2 shots of tequila! Because I'm even harder!

The barman complies and makes the drinks.

A few more moments pass with the barman listening to the 2 discussing who's the most tough, when suddenly the door opens and a tiny piece of tarmac walks through the door.

Both slabs of concrete quickly jump behind the bar and cower, shaking, and hide.

The tarmac walks up to the bar, and softly orders a small orange juice, drinks it then leaves, and the 2 slabs of concrete come back out from behind the bar.

The barman notices all this and says " hold on, I thought you 2 were the toughest around? Yet, terrified of that tiny piece of tarmac??"

Concrete 1 replies " we may be tough yes, but the tarmac....that guys a cycle path!"

An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.

The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:

1) she wants 10 million dollars

2) she wants to be 18 years old again

3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year old human male

After she finishes asking for her wishes, the fairy bursts in a bright flame and disappears.

The woman is blinded for a short while but soon she can see again and realises that all her wishes have been granted.

She sees on the floor that there is a large open chest with stacks of money in it.

Looking to the mirror on the wall, she is thrilled to see she is now youthful and very beautiful and she also realised that she is feeling very frisky indeed.

Finally she looks to where her cat was sleeping by the fire and amazed, she sees that he is now the most handsome man she has ever seen.

Slowly he stretches and then smoothly stands up in one cat like flowing motion and looks intently into her eyes.

Her heart starts to race and she noticed that his eyes are the same bright orange that they used to be when he was a cat.

Tentatively, worried she might break the wishes, she say, “Hi Tiger, how are you feeling?”

Tiger continues to stare at her for a few more seconds and then he says, “Well ducky, I bet you’re feeling really stupid that you got me fixed all those years ago!”

Whata country..

You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.

He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"

Finding a job is difficult...

I started at the orange juice factory but couldn't concentrate,
Being a tailor just didn't suit me,
I couldn't cut it as a barber,
I didn't have the foundations to be an architect,
I just didn't have enough patients to be a doctor,
I felt soleless in the shoe factory,
I couldn't hack it as a lumberjack,
I couldn't keep my eye on the job as an optician,
Being an electrician was shocking,
Sewage maintenance was just draining,
I just wasn't taking off as a pilot,
My spell as a wizard didn't work,
Working at a coffee shop was too much of a grind,
I didn't make the grade as a teacher,
I didn't have the thyme to be a chef,
My career as a comedian was a joke,
I couldn't see a future being a historian,
And now I'm an archaeologist and my future lies in ruins!

Must Be Single

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ‘You must be single.’

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , ‘Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?’

The drunk replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly.'

I'm not having much luck with jobs lately:

I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory.

I wasn't suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn't cut it as barber.

I didn't have the patience to be a doctor.

I didn't fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded.

Pool maintenance was too draining.

I got fired from the cannon factory.

And I just couldn't see any future as a historian.

Two Jewish men, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant discussing religion

"I wonder if there are any Jewish people in Mexico?" asked the first one.

"There must be" said the second one, "let's ask the waiter."

When the waiter came by, they asked him, "Do you have any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "Im sorry - we have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, but no Mexican Jews"

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