Hilarious Death Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Death Jokes

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection. The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

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"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?" Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.

Score: 10284

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

Score: 9020

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

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A woman starts to scream while giving birth. 

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

Score: 3552

A wife is yelling at her husband "Get out of the house! I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

The guy says: "So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?"

Score: 3085

Dont challange Death to a pillow fight ...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.

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What do Millennials and Tarzan falling to his death have in common? "I miss Vine."

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I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come for me

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Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair...... ....what happens next will shock you."

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A woman screams as she gives birth... "What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?"

Score: 1560

My wife got so mad at me My wife got so mad at me she packed my bags and told me to get out. As I walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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What caused The Black Death? The police.

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Never challenge Death to a pillow fight Unless you are prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

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As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five. But he left me hanging.

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At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.' The poor bartender was crushed to death.

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On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!” Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

Score: 875

I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first. Sadly he beat me to death.

Score: 645

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?" She replied: "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."

Score: 612

I once thanked a French guy to death It was a merci killing

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A bearded guy A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

Score: 437

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day... Give him a religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house... "I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

Score: 380

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

Score: 361

If I was invisible for a day... I'd kick a mime artist to death.

Score: 358

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

Score: 355

I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers... always sticking their business in other people's noses.

Score: 320

As I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

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Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death? As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

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My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last He said, "Staring contest... GO."

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As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"... I said, "So you want me to stay now?".

Score: 210

A man was sentenced to death, but wasn't told how they'll kill him. Needless to say, they left him hanging.

Score: 163

Kanye West, Donald Trump, Justin Bieber and Martin Skreli are put in a coliseum, given gladiator weapons and made to fight to the death. Who wins? Society.

Score: 86

Doctor of death! Impressively, only 2% of the people I operated on died last year. But for some reason the authorities think that’s too high for a dentist.

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Women is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judges says, "First Offender?" She says, "No, First a Gibson, then a Fender."

Score: 66

A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me." The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."

Score: 59

What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death.

Score: 55

Guitar joke A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

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Think of all the new jobs Trump will bring to America: Wall builders, death squad patrollers, bounty hunters and immigrant poachers.

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New Death Jokes

There are three certainties in life: Death, taxes, and Halloween candy assortments will always include one candy that ruins the bag.

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An elderly British woman was found beaten to death on a bus in Detroit. Reportedly, her last words were:
"Pardon me, do you know where I can buy some knickers?"

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Hear about the game of Life Millennial Edition? There are 27 different pegs for gender and only four squares: Debt, Rent, Destroy an Industry, and early Death from lack of healthcare.

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“My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first

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Judge: "You have been found unanimously guilty of using clickbait, and I sentence you to death by electric chair." What happens next will shock you.

Score: 33

Wow, somebody actually died from smoking too much weed His cause of death was "Blunt Force Trauma"

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I worked at Pathology lab, i was asked to leave after one of my report's said "cause of death, autopsy"

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RIP Hugh Hefner Through his death, I'll be reaching for tissues in his honor for the rest of my life.

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Why can't we blame all Stingrays for Steve Irwin's death? Because hating all of them would clearly be an example of Ray-cism.

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Why was the Death Star measured in miles? Because they used Imperial units.

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A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his golf clubs. The judge looks down at her and asks, "How many times did you hit him?"

The woman replies, "Eh, five..? Six..? Put me down for a five."

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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?"

She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

Score: 12

Did I tell you about the time I was nearly killed with a broom? It was a brush with death.

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My grandma's star sign was Cancer so her death was pretty ironic... She was killed by a giant crab.

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At a wedding reception I attended, some one said, "Gentlemen, please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

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How do you win a fight to the death against The Rock? Use paper.

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Lenin, on his death bed, said to Stalin: How will you rule if so many do not wish to follow you? Stalin calmly smiled at him: Don't worry, those who won't follow me, I'll make them follow you

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I hear they only serve ice cold beers in North Korea Cause Warmbiers are punishable by death

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Why did the blonde burn to death? She couldn't find the snooze button on the smoke alarm.

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Don't become an Islamic suicide bomber for the off chance you'll get 72 virgins after death. Become a Catholic priest and get them now!

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I met a guy who was advocating death to all lefties. He was a right supremacist.

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Did you hear about the guy that was strangled to death with his own underwear? Reports say it was a Haines crime.

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Do you believe in life after death? "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes sir," the clerk replied.

"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your mother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

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Tributes from around the globe are still pouring in after the death of Sir Roger Moore… The one from Vladimir Putin read: "From Russia, with love."

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Death asked me if I wanted to hang around. I told him I would rather shoot myself.

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Wow! I can't believe it's been almost a year since Harambe died. For the anniversary of his death, Cincinnati Zoo should have a sale. Discount for Harambe

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Did you hear about the guy who had a crush on the Grim Reaper? I heard he beat it to death.

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Did you hear about the unfaithful hippie? She was stoned to death.

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What website do you go to in order to find the plans to the Death Star? Wookie Leaks

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What do you call some that dies while smoking weed? Stoned to death.

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A piano player died today. The cause of death: organ failure.

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What's the leading cause of death for wizards? Untreated staff infections.

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Don’t wait until you are on your death bed to tell people how you really feel because.. because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger… 😂😂😂😂

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The death count nears 50 after scaffolding collapses and crushes fans at a rock music festival... Eye-witnesses say there was a lot of heavy metal.

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My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

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The Queen and Prince Charles The Queen and Prince Charles are enjoying a cup of tea when there's suddenly a knock on the door. The Queen goes to open it and it's the Death standing on the other side.
So the Queen shouts loudly: "Hey Charles, it's for you."

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What do you call death by a massive pumpkin falling on your head? gourd to death

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A guy threw an egg at me earlier so I beat him to death... I probably ovary-acted.

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Officials recently stated that inmates on death row will no longer be granted a final meal Just desserts.

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I'm so sick of people calling me a weeb If I had a death note they'd be sorry...

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Death isn't funny. It's post-humorous.

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They say the person who left the car running in the closed garage committed suicide, but.... I'd say the cause of death was exhaustion

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Since Carrie Fisher's death, I feel sorry for Kylo Ren. How will he fulfill the other half of his Oedipus complex now?

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Man asks his terminally ill friend: "Have you any idea what's it like after death?" He replies: "No, but I'm dying to know"

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What do you call a tree that has just woken up to it's wife's death? Mourning wood

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What do you get when there is a death at a funeral? A rehearsal.

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The final death of 2016.... Mariah Carey's live performance career

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The Police are looking into George Michaels' death. When the press asked if an autopsy would be performed, the coroner was quoted as saying: "Well I guess it would be nice, if I could touch his body."

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Lord of the Rings is symbolic of Marriage One ring rules your life, it slowly destroys you, and sometimes, death seems easier than continuing on.

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Went to my old tennis coach's funeral last week. His death was tragic but the service was lovely.

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I always wanted a skateboard. So one day I asked my mom for a skateboard. She said no as it was too expensive. So I came up with an idea to resolve my problem - I grabbed a plank of wood and some nails.

And beat her to death.

Score: 39

I once knew a vampire who refused to drink blood He would satisfy his cravings with fake blood, which his body rejected and he ended up dying from it.

I asked him on his death bed how the fake blood tasted and he said "a little irony"

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Light Yagami thought he was going to die on those stairs, but then he woke up the next day... And realized it was just a Near-Death experience.

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Local cyborg beats another cyborg to death for it's Sodium-nickle batteries, proceeds to restore his electricity supply after being arrested. He was charged with a salt.

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Half of all marriages end in divorce... The other half end in death.

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What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from prison to go to Death Valley to shoot up? What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from prison to go to Death Valley to shoot up?

A high low small medium at large.

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Two blondes are found frozen to death at a drive-in theater. They were watching "Closed for the Winter."

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"You da bomb" was one of the best things to hear someone tell me when I was younger. But the possibility of hearing it now has me scared to death here in ISIS.

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I made just one mistake last night and my wife wont stop giving me the death stare. Excessive choking.

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Black man kills conservative politician! The final Fox News spin on Osama's death.

Score: 35