Death Jokes

Contents

Funniest Death Jokes

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection. The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

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Funny Death Jokes
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"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?" Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.

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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

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A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

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A woman starts to scream while giving birth. ​

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

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A wife is yelling at her husband "Get out of the house! I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

The guy says: "So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?"

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Dont challange Death to a pillow fight ...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.

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What do Millennials and Tarzan falling to his death have in common? "I miss Vine."

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I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come for me

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Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair...... ....what happens next will shock you."

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A woman screams as she gives birth... "What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?"

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My wife got so mad at me My wife got so mad at me she packed my bags and told me to get out. As I walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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What caused The Black Death? The police.

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Never challenge Death to a pillow fight Unless you are prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

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As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five. But he left me hanging.

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At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.' The poor bartender was crushed to death.

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On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!” Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

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I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first. Sadly he beat me to death.

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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?" She replied: "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."

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I once thanked a French guy to death It was a merci killing

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A bearded guy A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

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Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day... Give him a religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house... "I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

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My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

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If I was invisible for a day... I'd kick a mime artist to death.

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Never challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

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I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers... always sticking their business in other people's noses.

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As I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

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Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death? As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

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Black man kills conservative politician! The final Fox News spin on Osama's death.

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Don't become an Islamic suicide bomber for the off chance you'll get 72 virgins after death. Become a Catholic priest and get them now!

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Even though we're nearing the 100th year anniversary of Buffalo Bill's death... ...can we still call it bison-tennial?

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What's black and white and being milked tonight? Michael brown's death

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Stalin bragged that his death camps were better than Hitler's. Hitler responded, "Jewish."

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Lord of the Rings is symbolic of Marriage One ring rules your life, it slowly destroys you, and sometimes, death seems easier than continuing on.

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I once knew a vampire who refused to drink blood He would satisfy his cravings with fake blood, which his body rejected and he ended up dying from it.

I asked him on his death bed how the fake blood tasted and he said "a little irony"

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What happened to the brain eating zombie that went to Washington? He starved to death.

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OJ Simpson has a new death metal band called: Black Stabbeth

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What do you call death by a massive pumpkin falling on your head? gourd to death

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New Death Jokes

What's the name of a common garden plant, that if sat under for more than 5 minutes, would cause almost guaranteed death? A Water Lilly.

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A woman is on trial for beating her fiance to death with his guitar collection. The judge says "first offender?" With a quizzical look the woman says "first a Gibson, then a Fender."

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Germany is facing many questions on their remarkably low Covid 19 death toll... Poor Germans, last time it was many questions over a remarkably high death toll, they just can’t win.

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the first death in Russia caused by coronavirus. The patient had other conditions: at autopsy they found a bullet in the head

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Just noticed that there are no cases of complications or death from Carona in children under age 9. I guess that means that means that Chinese factories are not impacted by the virus.

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50 paedophile priests on a trip, all die in a bus accident. Slowly cgarred to death. That's it. That is funny to me.

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What do you call someone who eats themself to death? Larger than life

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How were the detectives sure the murdered clown was shot to death? His car was riddled with bullets.

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What was a very *mind blowing* celebrity death Kurt cobains suicide

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Find yourself a serial killer called 'The Suspense' So that when you die, you can say 'The Suspense is Killing me', laugh together about it, and then get stabbed to death

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Did you hear about the pig that saved a man's life? There was this guy who was starving to death...

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It took them about a year to charge mac millers drug dealer in his death So maybe by the time we hold our next elections we will know what happened to Epstein.

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It took them around a year to charge mac millers drug dealer in his death. Fingers crossed,

Well get news about Epstein before the next election.

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My dog tried chocolate for the first time today She loved it to death

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Hey Baby, are you a Minecraft Tree? Because I wanna beat you to death with my fist.

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What do you call a transgender grim reaper? A death trap.

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It has been proven that anti vaxers have a lower chance of autism Unfortunately the main side effect is death

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What do you call a comb's stroke with dandruff? A brush with death :)

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Sing this - Spiderman Spiderman Does whatever dust can.
Doesn't feel good
with Stark's plan.
Keep him away
from the fan.

Look out! You might breathe him in.

Falls down, outta breath.
What's that he senses? Total Death.
WATCH OUT
Vanished like a spider can.

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Why don't Hollywood make zombie movies anymore? Because they've been done to death

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Why the Hindu mortician lost his job? Despite several warnings he kept writing the cause of death: *Birth*

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I just learn the first word I spoke was “Quote”. I have to ensure that on my death bed, my finals words are “End Quote”.

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What was Hitler’s favorite band? Death Camp For Cutie

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If I were on Death Row, my last meal request would be a clean burger from McDonald's I'd be kept alive forever.

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Why there is no musilms in Iceland ? They all starved to death during Ramadan because the sun never sets.

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I just flew into town and man are my arms tired.... ....I had a window seat on SouthWest airlines. Death grip on the armrests the entire flight.

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Once a blind man got a death threat in the mail He could feel it!

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Did you hear about the Orange Holocaust? It was a death camp for Cuties

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What's the leading cause of death of Pilots? The Flu

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Kim Jong Un, Martin Shkreli, Donald Trump, and Larry Nassar are put into an arena forced to fight to the death. Who wins? Society

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My great-great-grandfather burned to death during the Christmas Truce of WW1 He died in a ceasefire.

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Hear about the game of Life Millennial Edition? There are 27 different pegs for gender and only four squares: Debt, Rent, Destroy an Industry, and early Death from lack of healthcare.

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The 19th of December is the anniversary of the death of Alois Alzheimer But no one ever remember it

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Carl the serial killer was sentenced to death. He requested a steak burrito from Chipotle as his last meal. When asked if he wanted chips and guac he said "yes but hold the guac, it gives me indigestion."


Edit: this was funnier in my head

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Did you hear that the Angel of Death went on a diet? The call him the Slim Reaper now.

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A classic one told by my philosophy teacher today... A man dies. He goes into heaven. Later, he sees his wife. He can't believe it and when she comes to greet him, he backs off, and explains:

"I promised we'd be together until death do us part".

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Where does asian food go to fight to the death? The Ramen Colosseum.

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Death asked me if I wanted to hang around. I told him I would rather shoot myself.

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Wow! I can't believe it's been almost a year since Harambe died. For the anniversary of his death, Cincinnati Zoo should have a sale. Discount for Harambe

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A man walks into 1000 bars... and is crushed to death

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What's the difference between a near death experience and a booty call? One is ducking fate and the other is a...

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People are saying that Donal Trump are the cause of Vine's death You could say that he built a firewall

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Why do moths never cpme back from the brink of death? Because they always go towards the light.

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NY, NJ Bombing Suspect Ahmad Rahami was sentenced to death for placing multiple explosive devices around the tri state area FBI and NSA have confirmed that he was using the most advanced version devices: Galaxy Note 7

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How did the sailor deal with the death of his friend? He sent out a message in remorse code.

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My Life and the pit of death What the difference between my life and the pit of death?

One's a dark, never ending shithole of hopelessness, immense pain and unbearable despair and the other is a well in Sparta.

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They're making a movie about the death of Steve Irwin Jamie Foxx will be playing Ray

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I was talking to a Hiroshima survivor about his near death experience... He told me he saw the light

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More hipsters started using Apple products after Steve Job's death. Because after that he was underground.

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Why did the Hawaiian Hipster burn to death? He walked on lava before it was cool.

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Why did the heavy metal rocker become an actuary? He wanted to be paid to predict death and destruction.

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