Death Jokes

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Funniest Death Jokes

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection. The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

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Funny Death Jokes
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"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?" Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.

Score: 10284

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

Score: 9020

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

Score: 8696

A woman starts to scream while giving birth. ​

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

Score: 3552

A wife is yelling at her husband "Get out of the house! I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

The guy says: "So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?"

Score: 3085

Dont challange Death to a pillow fight ...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.

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What do Millennials and Tarzan falling to his death have in common? "I miss Vine."

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I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come for me

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Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair...... ....what happens next will shock you."

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A woman screams as she gives birth... "What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?"

Score: 1560

My wife got so mad at me My wife got so mad at me she packed my bags and told me to get out. As I walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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What caused The Black Death? The police.

Score: 1499

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight Unless you are prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

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As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five. But he left me hanging.

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At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.' The poor bartender was crushed to death.

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On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!” Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

Score: 875

I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first. Sadly he beat me to death.

Score: 645

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?" She replied: "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."

Score: 612

I once thanked a French guy to death It was a merci killing

Score: 523

A bearded guy A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

Score: 437

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day... Give him a religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house... "I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

Score: 380

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

Score: 361

If I was invisible for a day... I'd kick a mime artist to death.

Score: 358

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

Score: 355

I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers... always sticking their business in other people's noses.

Score: 320

As I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

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Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death? As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

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Black man kills conservative politician! The final Fox News spin on Osama's death.

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I worked at Pathology lab, i was asked to leave after one of my report's said "cause of death, autopsy"

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"You da bomb" was one of the best things to hear someone tell me when I was younger. But the possibility of hearing it now has me scared to death here in ISIS.

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Lord of the Rings is symbolic of Marriage One ring rules your life, it slowly destroys you, and sometimes, death seems easier than continuing on.

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Why can't we blame all Stingrays for Steve Irwin's death? Because hating all of them would clearly be an example of Ray-cism.

Score: 9

I made just one mistake last night and my wife wont stop giving me the death stare. Excessive choking.

Score: 8

Hear about the game of Life Millennial Edition? There are 27 different pegs for gender and only four squares: Debt, Rent, Destroy an Industry, and early Death from lack of healthcare.

Score: 6

Wow! I can't believe it's been almost a year since Harambe died. For the anniversary of his death, Cincinnati Zoo should have a sale. Discount for Harambe

Score: 5

Death asked me if I wanted to hang around. I told him I would rather shoot myself.

Score: 5

An elderly British woman was found beaten to death on a bus in Detroit. Reportedly, her last words were:
"Pardon me, do you know where I can buy some knickers?"

Score: 5

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New Death Jokes

Germany is facing many questions on their remarkably low Covid 19 death toll... Poor Germans, last time it was many questions over a remarkably high death toll, they just can’t win.

Score: 1

the first death in Russia caused by coronavirus. The patient had other conditions: at autopsy they found a bullet in the head

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50 paedophile priests on a trip, all die in a bus accident. Slowly cgarred to death. That's it. That is funny to me.

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What do you call someone who eats themself to death? Larger than life

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How were the detectives sure the murdered clown was shot to death? His car was riddled with bullets.

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What was a very *mind blowing* celebrity death Kurt cobains suicide

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Find yourself a serial killer called 'The Suspense' So that when you die, you can say 'The Suspense is Killing me', laugh together about it, and then get stabbed to death

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Did you hear about the pig that saved a man's life? There was this guy who was starving to death...

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It took them about a year to charge mac millers drug dealer in his death So maybe by the time we hold our next elections we will know what happened to Epstein.

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It took them around a year to charge mac millers drug dealer in his death. Fingers crossed,

Well get news about Epstein before the next election.

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What's a Klan Member's favorite disease? Black Death.

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My dog tried chocolate for the first time today She loved it to death

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I guy in my town died after overdosing on vigra. That's must have been a hard death.

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Hey Baby, are you a Minecraft Tree? Because I wanna beat you to death with my fist.

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What was the Muppet's cause of death? He kermit-ted suicide.

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What do you call a transgender grim reaper? A death trap.

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Death penalty in Texas has a ticket line The teller calls out for number 6. The inmate nervously steps up to the counter. The teller says, "It isn't your turn. You have number 9," and the inmate sighs with relief.

​

He thought his number was up.

Score: 2

It has been proven that anti vaxers have a lower chance of autism Unfortunately the main side effect is death

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I just learn the first word I spoke was “Quote”. I have to ensure that on my death bed, my finals words are “End Quote”.

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Once a blind man got a death threat in the mail He could feel it!

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Carl the serial killer was sentenced to death. He requested a steak burrito from Chipotle as his last meal. When asked if he wanted chips and guac he said "yes but hold the guac, it gives me indigestion."


Edit: this was funnier in my head

Score: 2

A classic one told by my philosophy teacher today... A man dies. He goes into heaven. Later, he sees his wife. He can't believe it and when she comes to greet him, he backs off, and explains:

"I promised we'd be together until death do us part".

Score: 1

Did you hear about the guy who had a crush on the Grim Reaper? I heard he beat it to death.

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A man walks into 1000 bars... and is crushed to death

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People are saying that Donal Trump are the cause of Vine's death You could say that he built a firewall

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NY, NJ Bombing Suspect Ahmad Rahami was sentenced to death for placing multiple explosive devices around the tri state area FBI and NSA have confirmed that he was using the most advanced version devices: Galaxy Note 7

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What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from prison to go to Death Valley to shoot up? What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from prison to go to Death Valley to shoot up?

A high low small medium at large.

Score: 5

Did you hear about that Reese lady? Guy 1: Hey, did you here about that celebrity that stabbed some poor guy to death? What was her name, Reese... Reese Wither... Wither...

Guy 2: Witherspoon?

Guy 1: No, with her knife.

Classic that I haven't seen for awhile

Score: 3

Two blondes are found frozen to death at a drive-in theater. They were watching "Closed for the Winter."

Score: 4

What is the most death-defying magician incantation? ALLAHU AKBAR

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My Life and the pit of death What the difference between my life and the pit of death?

One's a dark, never ending shithole of hopelessness, immense pain and unbearable despair and the other is a well in Sparta.

Score: 1

Our top story of the day. Today hit-man Jimmy "Two Shoes" Mclardy confessed to once being hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two porcelain figurines.

Police admit this is the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack.

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Death changes a man My entire life my father voted straight Republican, since his death he has been voting straight Democrat.

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If they have yet another Death Star type weapon in Star Wars... They should just name it cancer because it's the most successful star killer at this moment.

May you rest in piece David Bowie and Alan Rickman.

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More hipsters started using Apple products after Steve Job's death. Because after that he was underground.

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Why did the heavy metal rocker become an actuary? He wanted to be paid to predict death and destruction.

Score: 2

What cause of death did the doctor give for a patient whom died after staring at a woman's behind? assfixation

Score: 1

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