Death Jokes

Contents

Funniest Death Jokes

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection. The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

Funny Death Jokes

"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?" Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

A woman starts to scream while giving birth. ​

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

Dont challange Death to a pillow fight ...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.

What do Millennials and Tarzan falling to his death have in common? "I miss Vine."

I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come for me

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair...... ....what happens next will shock you."

Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death Plaguearism

A woman screams as she gives birth... "What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?"

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight Unless you are prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means... ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!” Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

No one in here better be making any jokes about Fred Phelps' death God hates gags.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?" She replied: "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."

A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado-
Son: I'm adopted?!
Mother: No, you're adorable
Son: *sniffs* Thanks, mom
Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center

I once thanked a French guy to death It was a merci killing

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life? Alien versus Redditor.

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day... Give him a religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be "You guys want to see a dead body?"

I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers... always sticking their business in other people's noses.

As I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

The court has decided you guilty of clickbait and has sentenced you to death by the electric chair... ... What happens next will shock you

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?" Woman responds, "No, Your Honor. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

I just heard this one, so sorry if it's a repeat.

A woman is on trial... ...for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks, "First offender?"

The lady replies, "No your honor. First a Gibson then a Fender."

Edit: Grammar.

My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last He said, "Staring contest... GO."

Life after death does exist! Just not for the person that died.

Never challenge death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge: “First offender?”

Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”

What's sexually transmitted and has a 100% death rate? Life

My girlfriend wanted a favor from me Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident

Me: Say no more

LATER

Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

I've heard that students in Death Valley get terrible grades. They never get above C level.

Why do hurricanes get lousy names, like Sandy? Name that thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee folks will be evacuating like they need to.

An old survivor of the Auschwitz death camp dies and goes to heaven. Passing through the Pearly Gates he tells god a holocaust joke to which god replies, "I don't find that funny." The old survivor says, "Well...I guess you had to be there."

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. "First offender?" The judge asked. "No" said the bailiff, "First a Gibson, then a Fender."

Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA? The Make-A-Wish foundation.

Popular Topics

New Death Jokes

How do you kill an introvert? Starve him to death by putting another person in the kitchen

I don’t often tell dad jokes... Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.







(originally posted by Hypochondriac912, got permission to repost on this day because it’s my dad’s death anniversary- been 15 years today)

Back in grade school my teacher asked me to say a sentence that sounded intriguing. Me: “My dog died.”

Teacher: “What kind of sentence is that?”

Me: “It’s a death sentence”

My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad. It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate. He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

Never challenge death to a pillow fight unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions

A woman is on trial for beating her fiance to death with his guitar collection. The judge says "first offender?" With a quizzical look the woman says "first a Gibson, then a Fender."

Hear about the blonde who froze to death at the Drive-in movie? She went to see "Closed For The Winter".

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection... Judge says, 'First offender?'

Woman says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'

What did the Black death say to Coronavirus? Well Plagued!

People like to share their musical taste with their neighbors these quarantine days. My neighbor has been listening to death metal the entire day at full volume. Whether he likes it or not.

How many super sayians does it take to skrew in a lightbulb? Just one but it takes 54 episodes, 2 failed spirit bombs, Killins death and an exploding planet and will be continued next time...

Why is it that Tom Cruise does his own stunts in every movie? Because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

Kobe Bryant's death was an important and historic occasion. It marked the first time he's passed in years.

Where do Death Eaters go to buy their groceries? Volde-Mart

Even Though it's been 20 years since my Grandfather choked to death on a piece of sushi It's still pretty raw

Why does death exist? To enforce term limits on politicians.

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub And the Scotsman says, “Drinks for the house, on me.” The next day the local paper runs a story with the headline, “Irish Ventriloquist Found Beaten to Death Behind Pub”.

Before invention of electricity Judge: I sentence you to death by the acoustic chair.

People say that Steve Jobs died too soon. But I think his death was a fitting metaphor for apples attitude to battery life.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection The judge says “First offender?”

She says “No, first a Gibson, then a Fender”

Who's the Death Star's greatest country singer? Darth Brooks.

It’s pretty difficult to make jokes about death sentences. The execution must be flawless.

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight Unless you are prepared for the reaper cushions.

Book I was going to publish my book on The Black Death until I was accused of plaguerism

BREAKING : Prison guard responsible for watching Jeffrey Epstein killed in tragic house fire Time of death was 11:26am, tomorrow.

Never challenge the death to a pillow fight. Unless your ready to deal with the reaper cushions.

I really hope Death is a woman That way it'll never come for me

Never challange death to a pillow fight Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight, unless... you’re prepared to face the reaper cushions.

Son "What happens when you die?" Dad "Nothing. Death is the end. There is nothing beyond."

Son "No, I mean what happens when YOU die? Do I get your house and car?"

I think the death penalty is a good idea... If executed properly.

Don’t challenge death to a pillow fight unless... you can handle the reaper cushions.

I hope death is a woman… That way, it will never come for me…

As you may know, we have approached the 10th anniversary on the death of Michael Jackson... I think we should pause and think of all those he's touched.

I really hope Death is a woman... ...because if that’s the case I know she’ll never come for me.

Would you like to hear a joke about prisoners who have been spending years in the death row? Sorry, still having problems with the execution.

If I was invisible for the day I’d kick a mime to death

What do you call a death that is caused by an earthquake? Death by Default

I hope Death is a woman. She'll never come for me.

Popular Topics

Long Death Jokes

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're on the team for this Saturday's match!"

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent alone on the ship, he became adept at building small robots to help him complete his tasks. He formed relationships with the little bots, but he found he missed the companionship of real humans. He would take small stints in the cryogenic chambers in order to prolong his life, as so to complete his mission of getting his friends and family to their new home. But a long life with no one real to talk to is lacking.

With his knowledge of robotics, he took it upon himself to build an artificial human. Something that looked real. Something that felt real. Something that would make the unbearable loneliness go away.

He didn’t feel right copying the likeness of any members of the sleeping crew, so he modeled the robot on himself. By the time he was done, there “he” was, a perfect replica of Jacques himself. He named the robot Jacques 2.0, because who else was there to get confused? And as he grew older, it would be easier to remember his own name, he figured.

Well, years passed as they are want to do. He grew old and frail on the journey, but Jacques 2.0 remained as lively and youthful as ever, helping his creator to complete the tasks the old man’s bones could no longer handle.

As the old man lay dying, he asked his robotic companion to do him a favor. He wanted his remains to be scattered among the stars, the asteroids, and the comets they passed. He did not want to be buried on a planet he would never see, but instead live on in the vastness of space that had become his home. So when the day finally came, Jacques 2.0 sent his creator’s ashes out of the airlock and into the universe.

But the journey was not over. Jacques 2.0 carried on his creator’s duties for years and helped the crew arrive on their new home. As the ship grew close to the planet, he pulled the switch to wake the crew. One by one they woke from their long sleep and travelled to the observation deck to see their new home. When they arrived, though, they found themselves in complete shock. There was Jacques, as lively and youthful as ever, waiting for them.

“How can this be?” They asked. “Surely you would at the very least be an old, old man by now. It has been so long since we left Earth.”

Jacques 2.0 raised his hands slightly in a calming gesture and said, “Do not worry. I am here to send you a message of love and care from Jacques. I was created to help him complete his mission. I may look like him, but in truth, I am not him. For you see,” and with this he gestured towards the stars and space above their heads, “the real Jacques is in the comets.”

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

An odd joke

Once there was a guy whose parents named him Odd. All through school, Odd was made fun of for his odd name. Eventually, as an grown man, he found a beautiful woman to marry and raise a family with. During a summer day in their 70s, Odd told his wife as they sat in the living room that he had never liked his odd name. He told her that, when he died, she should just put his birthday and date of death on the grave, without his name. Sure enough, several years later, Odd passed away. His wife did as he had requested, and buried him, putting only his birthday and date of death on the gravestone. But it was futile. To this day, people still walk by the grave and say:




"Isn't that Odd?"

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror,‟ Oh God,help me!!!”

Suddenly,everything--the bear,the trees,the birds,everything but the man--freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So,all your life,You deny My existence,yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry,My son,but it is too late.”

The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well,God,if it is too late for me to become a Christian,how about you just convert the bear?”

Time begins moving again,and the bear immediately stops its roaring,kneels quietly and respectfully,and begins speaking. ‟O Lord,bless this meal in which I am about to partake...”

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support families in need of assistance.

The Social Worker grabs the nearest bag and plummets out of the aircraft.

Lawyer: I deserve to live because I advocate for my clients through my sharp wit and massive knowledge.

The lawyer grabs the second bag and plummets out of the aircraft.

Doctor: I deserve to live because i help diagnose ill people with my specialized training.

The doctor grabs the third bag and plummets out of the aircraft.

This leaves only the schoolboy and the old man in the plane with is descending toward the ground.

The Old Man: Go ahead boy. Take the last parachute. You have many years ahead of you while I am just an Old Man who is soon to die anyway.

Schoolboy: Thats ok Old Man we can both take a parachute. Look there are still two left

The Old Man’s eyes widen with surprise.

The Old Man: Wha...but how is this possible

Schoolboy: The lawyer with the sharp wit and expansive knowledge took my school backpack.

There was a man in Romania who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Romania who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Romanian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

Back in the U.S.S.R.

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury. Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!

He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

Coach said to himself, “I got to have this guy. He’s got the best arm I’ve ever seen!”

He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

“Mother,” he yells over the phone, “We just won the Super Bowl!”

“Don’t talk to me,” the woman says. “You abandoned us. You can’t be my son.”

The young Iraqi begs, “Mom, you don’t understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!”

“I don’t care,” his mother snaps. “Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped.”

Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is he here?"

"I sit here, you meshuggener old man," says Abraham, laughing despite his grief.

"You are a good boy, Abraham," whispers Ishmael. "And my darling daughter Sarah, where is she?"

"Papa, I love you!" cries Sarah as she draws a tissue to her face.

"And my grandchildren? Ezekial, Ruth, Emmanuel, Seraphine, Bartholomew?"

"We are all here, grandpapa!" the children cry in unison.

"So my family, all my family, is here with me now?" asks Ishmael.

"Yes, of course, dear," soothes Elena.

"Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

A Mexican man is found unresponsive...

A Mexican man is found unresponsive on the roadway outside Tijuana.
Local authorities call for an ambulance and he is rushed to the nearest hospital.
Unfortunately, the doctors determine that he has consumed a lethal amount of drugs and there is nothing they can do to save him. He dies within a few minutes and the attending physician marks the cause of death as "1/2".
Curious, the nurse asks him what this seemingly unrelated fraction has to do with this man's death.
The doctor responds "Juan over-dos".

There was a man in France who used to drive a train for a living...

There was a man in France who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old france law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it I'm just a bad conductor."

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, candied bacon, canadianed bacon, smoked bacon ... In fact there is every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we are saved! Issa bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe it's a mirage? We're in the desert, don't forget."

"Pepe, since when did you ever hear of a mirage that smells like bacon...its no mirage, it's a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to about 5 meters away, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun open fires on them and Luis drops like a wet sock. Luis, mortally wounded, warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, its not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... What is it? "

"Pepe.. its not a bacon tree. Its

Its

Its

Its

Its a ham bush!"

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the great clown Pagliacci. He's hysterically funny and will make you laugh til you cry. You will experience a joy unprecedented."

The man bursts into tears. The doctor, confused asks why. "Doc, I *am* Pagliacci."





Robin Williams was legendary. He was also human. He had his demons and battled them all his life. I don't like that he's gone, but I understand what he's dealt with. RIP.


Edit: The "joke" ~~is from~~ I saw in Watchmen. It was the first thing I thought of upon hearing about his death and that it was as a result of a suicide. I don't have the words to rationalize my posting it. I'm just saddened immensely by his loss for I, like many others, loved Robin for his comedy and respected him for who he was as a person.

An Italian, a Mexican, and a Blonde American are working construction.

The three men eat lunch together each day at the top of the building they are constructing.

The Italian opens his lunchbox and exclaims "Seriously!? Spaghetti again? If my wife packs this one more time, I swear I'm jumping off this building."

The Mexican opens his too. "Tacos again? I'm with you. I'm jumping tomorrow if it happens again."

The blonde opens up his lunch box and pulls out a PB&J sandwich. "Another PB&J!" He cries. "I'm jumping tomorrow too if I get a PB&J in my lunch again."

The next day, the Italian opens his lunch, pulls out a tupperware of spaghetti, and jumps to his death. The Mexican pulls out a bag of tacos, and immediately follows the Italian off of the building. The Blonde pulls out a PB&J, sighs, and jumps to his death as well.

A few days later at the funeral, the Italian and Mexican's wives are in tears. Both exclaim that if they had known, they would have packed something different and the men would still be alive. The women notice the wife of the Blonde, standing there and not shedding a tear.

They ask the wife of the Blonde "How can you not be upset? Your husband is dead because he kept getting the same food!"

The wife of the blonde replies "Don't look at me. He packed his own lunch."

A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death

He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".

a guy thing..

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I
was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in
between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I
smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old
daughter, and she was clean. The I realized that Matt had not asked to
go
potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No." I kept thinking,
"Oh
Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes
with
me."
Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?
"No," he replied. I just knew that he must have, because the smell was
getting worse. Sooooo....I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an
accident?"

Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks
and
yelled.... "SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!" While 100 people nearly
choked
to
death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to
eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified!

Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came
over
and
thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!
Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were
leaving,
bent
over to my son and said, "Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the
same
thing all the time...I just never had the nerve to make the point like
you
did.
Edit: I did not expect this thing to blow up. This is a joke hence in /jokes. Thanks for the all the up votes .

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