"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep
"What did you say?" said the farmer
"You herd me" said the sheep
An ugly girl grabbed my butt today....
...I turned around and asked her, "Do you have a pen?"
She smiled and said, "Of course I do!"
I replied, "Well, you better get back to it before the farmer realizes you're missing."
What's the difference between a female farmer and Hitler's girlfriend? One bails her hay and the other heils her bae
Ol' Russian joke
Comrade Stalin approaches a farmer and asks :
"Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"
"Enough to reach God, comrade!" Replied the farmer.
"But there is no God" said Stalin
"Ah, said the farmer, as there are no potatoes."
A farmer asked me for help with his chickens
He said "I have 87 chickens, can you help me round them up?"
I said "Sure... 90."
In the divorce court today
In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.
He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.
A farmer was counting his cows.... A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
There are 3 farmers, let’s call them A, B and C. Which one is the best with medicine? Farmer C
A farmer in Nebraska just had his fence destroyed by a tornado, and he's asking for our help He heard we have a lot of experts in re-posting
A farmer was in a field with his cows, he counted 196 of them.... ..... but when he rounded them up he had 200.
People always make fun of my dad because his name is Chip and he is a Dorito farmer You might think that is cheesy but actually we got to grow up on a really cool ranch
A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore... I told him to grow a pear.
What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottish farmer?
Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud'
The Scottish farmer says 'Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe'
I was in a field and this farmer came up to me and said " I got 68 sheep can you round them up for me ?"... I said "Sure 70" ...
Hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his beautiful young wife? He fired them.
A farmer was counting his cows A farmer was counting his cows and found out that he had 196, but when he rounded them up, he had 200.
Why did the non-binary farmer go to California in 1841? Because there be gold in them/their hills.
My friends a farmer with a huge ego problem All I did was ask where he was and he brags that he’s out standing in his field
A Farmer and his cows A farmer counted his Cows before taking them to auction and counted 196 of them. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
Guy walks up to a fat girl in the bar and asks: "Hey do you have a pen?"
She replies: "why yes I do"
Guy: "well you better get back there before the farmer gets mad!"
A man on a tractor has just driven past me yelling "the end of the world is nigh" I think it was Farmer Geddon
A farmer wins the lottery
A reporter asks him: " What are you going to do with the money?"
He says: "I'm just going to keep on farming until it is all gone.
A young farmer is being taught by an old hand how to take care of the animals. Today he's showing him how to shoe a horse
Halfway through the old man asks:
"So, have you ever shoed a horse before"
And the young farmer says:
"No, but I once told a cow to [email protected]&$ off!"
I’m just milking it now.
Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.
Every day, my neighbor gets on his tractor, and starts yelling, “The end is near!” I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.
There was a bad storm that broke the chicken coop causing a farmer to lose a few chickens.
After the storm he asked his farm hand how many chickens were left.
“16 chickens, sir.”
“Alright, round them up, please.”
“20 chickens, sir.”
As a farmer people always ask me "What's the difference between ploughing and cultivating? and I tell them "I haven't cultivated your mother."
A man on a tractor has just driven past me shouting, “The end of the world is nigh!!" I think it was Farmer Geddon.
So a farmer went out into his field and counted 48 cows But When His dog rounded them up there were 50.
A very curious customer asked
a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.
"Yes." Said a tomato.
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them... ...but when he rounded them up he had 200.
An old grape farmer There was once an old grape farmer who had went through many droughts. When his grapes had fallen and dried, all he could've said was "Everything happens for a rasin"
What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a prostitute with dysentery? The farmer shucks between fits.
In a farmers market, Farmer A sells pumpkins, Farmer B sells strawberries, what does Farmer C sell?
... runs off ...
A farmer spent over $12 million to see the effects of marijuana on cows... The steaks had never been higher.
2 farmers sitting on a porch just passin the time, shootin the sh!t
when a marijuana plant yells out of no where:
"You big dumb dark cow!"
One of the farmer turns to his friend and says
"look at the pot calling the cattle black"
A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.
"No." Said the farmer
"No." Said the tomato
A farmer once bought some ammonium nitrate fertilizer, but it smelled weird, so he put a sample in a pan and brought it to the nearest USDA branch. A security guard saw the pan full of fertilizer and yelled "bomb", but it was just panned ammonium
A local farmer just received an award from the city. It was for being outstanding in his field.
The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his marijuana crop. The steaks were high.
Did you hear about the farmer that failed dairy farming school? He didn't work well with udders.