If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?
From my head, tomatoes.
Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep
"What did you say?" said the farmer
"You herd me" said the sheep
How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass? Satisfying.
What's the difference between a female farmer and Hitler's girlfriend? One bails her hay and the other heils her bae
A farmer had 196 cows in his field When he rounded them up he had 200
What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?
(Written by my 9 yo daughter).
A farmer asked me for help with his chickens
He said "I have 87 chickens, can you help me round them up?"
I said "Sure... 90."
A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear Ahh Migraines!
In the divorce court today
In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.
He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.
If farmer A sells apple's, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell? Medicine
A farmer counted 198 cows in his field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
A farmer was counting his cows.... A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer? Gluten tag
A Farmer asked me to round up his 68 sheep I said 'Sure, seventy'.
What's the most frustrating part about being a sheep farmer? Every time you try to take inventory, you fall asleep.
A farmer in Nebraska just had his fence destroyed by a tornado, and he's asking for our help He heard we have a lot of experts in re-posting
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field But when he rounded them up, he had 200
.... gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:
*"All 40 accounted for"*
*"But I only have 36 sheep"* says the confused farmer
*"Yeah I know"* says the sheepdog. *"I rounded them up".*
A farmer was in a field with his cows, he counted 196 of them.... ..... but when he rounded them up he had 200.
People always make fun of my dad because his name is Chip and he is a Dorito farmer You might think that is cheesy but actually we got to grow up on a really cool ranch
What did the Dorito Farmer say to the other Dorito Farmer? Cool Ranch
Why did the farmer get an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore... I told him to grow a pear.
What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottish farmer?
Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud'
The Scottish farmer says 'Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe'
I was in a field and this farmer came up to me and said " I got 68 sheep can you round them up for me ?"... I said "Sure 70" ...
Why did the farmer fire the DJ? Because he kept on dropping beets.
Hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his beautiful young wife? He fired them.
How does an Arab farmer find his goat in the sand dunes? Very satisfying.
Lassie runs up to Farmer Fred
What is it Lassie?
*Bark! Bark bark!*
What's that girl? Timmy fell down a well!
*Bark! Bark bark woof!*
Right! I'll say you were here with me the whole time.
Why did the farmer stop smoking with his cattle? Because the steaks were too high...
How did the farmer find his daughter? He Tractor.
A farmer invested $10 million of his own money for a research on 'effects of Marijuana on cattle'. The steaks were high.
As a farmer I've heard lots of jokes about sheep. I told them to my dog but he'd heard them all.
I just saw a man driving a tractor shouting "The end of the world is nigh" I think it was Farmer Geddon
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster farmer and a prostitute with diarrhoea? The farmer shucks between fits.
What's the definition of a great farmer? He's outstanding in his field.
I'm a farmer and found my ex I tractor down.
Did you hear about the corn farmer? He had a great harvest and was smiling from ear to ear.
What did the farmer do when someone asked them if he could give them head? He gave them some lettuce.
My mom won't support my dreams of becoming a bean farmer... I wish she would just let me work in peas.
“I love me job!” exclaimed thar farmer. “All ye do be boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did ye say?” challenged thar farmer. The sheep glared back and growled... You herd me.
A man on a tractor drove past me earlier yelling ‘the end of the world is nigh!’ I think it was Farmer Geddon
What do you call the fruit from an organic, Darwinist farmer's market? A natural selection
So a farmer told me a story about his cow It was legend dairy.
What did the beet farmer say to the man holding his son and his fish hostage? "Give me the beet boy, and free my sole!"
What did the cow say to the blind farmer with only one arm? Moo
Did you hear about the farmer who never skipped leg day? His calfs turned to bulls
A farmer got asked how he was so good at farming.. He replied: “I’m always out standing in my field.”
In the 1930s, a Ukrainian farmer was asked "What will the future of this new communist society look like?" The farmer replied "I don't know, but l am dying to find out."
What did the vet say to the farmer about his terminally ill cow? It'll beef alright
Why did the farmer give the cow a pumpkin? He wanted to squash his beef.
The mailman asked the farmer if he had a horse that smoked sigars
Farmer replied no
‘Then your barn is on fire’
Edit: cigars obviously
A cow and a farmer had a fight One dinner together later there was no more beef.
Did ya year about the farmer who's land was taken from him? When he heard, he lost the plot.
What did the farmer say to the excited vegetables? Don't get carrot away!
What does a farmer have to do before he gets married? A tractor first
A redneck's truck breaks down, so he bangs on the steering wheel...
... and the truck starts.
His buddy asks, "Why does hitting things make 'em work?"
The farmer smiles, "trick we picked up from the slave days."
Did you hear about the 8-year old dairy farmer? He had to repeat 3rd grade because he was a slow churner.
How do you address a Black Farmer? Through his owner.
Farmer Joe is out looking for a lost sheep when he wanders into a shopping mall to ask for help.
He asks a security guard if he has seen any sheep wandering around the mall.
The security guard says "They're everywhere, just look for the AirPods."
Did you hear about the dairy farmer who got kicked off his farm for not having any livestock? It was a no cows eviction.
What's the difference...
what's the difference between the rolling stones and a Scottish sheep farmer?
The rolling stones sing "hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"
The Scottish sheep farmers screams "hey! Mac cloud! Get off of my ewe!"
Amazing Farmer I met an amazing farmer today, he was out standing in his field..
The farmer's wife just ran off with a farm equipment salesman. She wrote him a John Deere letter.
After reading, 50 shades of grey, my wife asked to treat her like Anastasia ... so I got the Bolshevik secret police to murder her family and I sold her to a Russian pig farmer.
Why did the farmer vivisect his daughter? He wanted to reverse cowgirl.