If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?
From my head, tomatoes.
Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep
"What did you say?" said the farmer
"You herd me" said the sheep
How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass? Satisfying.
What's the difference between a female farmer and Hitler's girlfriend? One bails her hay and the other heils her bae
A farmer had 196 cows in his field When he rounded them up he had 200
What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?
(Written by my 9 yo daughter).
A farmer asked me for help with his chickens
He said "I have 87 chickens, can you help me round them up?"
I said "Sure... 90."
A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear Ahh Migraines!
In the divorce court today
In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.
He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.
If farmer A sells apple's, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell? Medicine
A farmer counted 198 cows in his field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
A farmer was counting his cows.... A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer? Gluten tag
A Farmer asked me to round up his 68 sheep I said 'Sure, seventy'.
What's the most frustrating part about being a sheep farmer? Every time you try to take inventory, you fall asleep.
A farmer in Nebraska just had his fence destroyed by a tornado, and he's asking for our help He heard we have a lot of experts in re-posting
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field But when he rounded them up, he had 200
.... gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:
*"All 40 accounted for"*
*"But I only have 36 sheep"* says the confused farmer
*"Yeah I know"* says the sheepdog. *"I rounded them up".*
A farmer was in a field with his cows, he counted 196 of them.... ..... but when he rounded them up he had 200.
People always make fun of my dad because his name is Chip and he is a Dorito farmer You might think that is cheesy but actually we got to grow up on a really cool ranch
What did the Dorito Farmer say to the other Dorito Farmer? Cool Ranch
Why did the farmer get an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore... I told him to grow a pear.
What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottish farmer?
Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud'
The Scottish farmer says 'Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe'
I was in a field and this farmer came up to me and said " I got 68 sheep can you round them up for me ?"... I said "Sure 70" ...
Why did the farmer fire the DJ? Because he kept on dropping beets.
Hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his beautiful young wife? He fired them.
How does an Arab farmer find his goat in the sand dunes? Very satisfying.
How can you identify a good farmer? He's out standing in his field.
How did the farmer find his missing wife? He tractor down. 🚜🚜🚜
Guy walks up to a fat girl in the bar and asks: "Hey do you have a pen?"
She replies: "why yes I do"
Guy: "well you better get back there before the farmer gets mad!"
Somebody drove past me on a tractor yelling "the end of the world is nigh!" I think it was Farmer Geddon
An old grape farmer There was once an old grape farmer who had went through many droughts. When his grapes had fallen and dried, all he could've said was "Everything happens for a rasin"
My dad always thought I wasn't man enough to become a fruit farmer... ... I proved him wrong by growing a pear.
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them... ...but when he rounded them up he had 200.
Lassie runs up to Farmer Fred
What is it Lassie?
*Bark! Bark bark!*
What's that girl? Timmy fell down a well!
*Bark! Bark bark woof!*
Right! I'll say you were here with me the whole time.
What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a prostitute with dysentery? The farmer shucks between fits.
A very curious customer asked
a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.
"Yes." Said a tomato.
My mom won't support my dreams of becoming a bean farmer... I wish she would just let me work in peas.
What did the beet farmer say to the man holding his son and his fish hostage? "Give me the beet boy, and free my sole!"
Did you hear about the corn farmer? He had a great harvest and was smiling from ear to ear.
What did the cow say to the blind farmer with only one arm? Moo
I just saw a man driving a tractor shouting "The end of the world is nigh" I think it was Farmer Geddon
Why did the farmer give the cow a pumpkin? He wanted to squash his beef.
A cow and a farmer had a fight One dinner together later there was no more beef.
How does a redneck farmer find his sheep in the middle of the tall grass? Satisfying.
Gross! A German farmer is standing in his field peeing. And American tourist sees him and says "gross!" And the farmer says "danke."
How was the Dutch dairy farmer caught up in a brawl? He was gouda'd into it.
Why was the farmer angry? Because his cows put him in a bad moooo’d.
A farmer's wire fence was broken, so he put new wood into the ground and ran wire across it. This is a repost.
I know a farmer that grows doritos It's a cool ranch
What do you call a happy fruit farmer? a Jolly Rancher.
How did the farmer find his missing daughter? Tractor
What did the farmer say when he dropped off all his cows at the slaughterhouse? "It smells *offal* in here!"
How did the farmer plan to pick up the hot girl at the bar? A tractor
Did ya year about the farmer who's land was taken from him? When he heard, he lost the plot.
What did the farmer say to the excited vegetables? Don't get carrot away!
I'm a farmer and found my ex I tractor down.
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster farmer and a hooker with dysentery? The oyster farmer shucks between fits.
Why did the farmer win a Nobel prize? He was out standing in his field
Why did the partially-blind farmer fall into the well? He didn't see that well.
A farmer came up to me today and said, "I've got 68 sheep, can you round them up for me?" I said, "Sure, 70."
What do you call a farmer named Chris who has no land to crop? Christopher Noland.
A young farmer's son is late for school.
"Why're you late?" asks his teacher.
"I had to help breed a cow," responds the boy.
"Couldn't your father have done that?" retorts the teacher tartly.
"Sure he could", said the boy, "But not as well as the bull."
How did the farmer find his sheep in the tall grass?
Very satisfying ;)
(Sorry if this has been here but it was new to me)
Have you heard about the expert farmer who has taken the role of scarecrow at his farm? He's outstanding in his field.
What did the farmer do to prove he's tough? Grew a pear.
What does a farmer care more about than his wife? His hoe
A farmer has 196 cows in his field. He goes out and rounds them up. How many cows does he have now? 200
A farmer and his dog are herding sheep.
They finish and his dog says "I have counted 40 sheep".
The farmer replies, "That's odd. I only got 37 ".
The dog replies "Well, I rounded them up".
What's the difference between a fortune teller and a farmer with retarded bunnies One deals with tarot cards while the other deals with carrot tards.
How can you tell if your farmer is a certified gangster? His cornrows are always straight
How does a farmer party He turnips the beets
So, a Farmer's Daughter walks into a Bar . . .
. . .n.
*ba dum tish*
What's a farmer's favorite kind of joke? A corny one.
A farmer comes into a large amount of money and decides to buy his son's a large ranch where they can raise cattle. He calls the ranch "Focus". Because it's where the sun's rays meet.
An owl and a squirrel are in a tree watching a farmer go by The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.
Why did the farmer have to supplement his income by DJing at night? because his Beets were sick
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor? "Wheres my tractor?"
What do you call a Chinese farmer living in the US? Wyo Ming.
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
Why was the farmer so good at getting wool from his sheep? Sheer determination
A farmer was asked why he specifically breed satanist Yaks on his farm.. ...he said he simply enjoys the yakult.
How does a farmer count his cows?
With a COWculator...
But, what if they all have babies?
Then he MOOtiplies them!
Man, I'm really milking these puns for more than they're worth...
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
Where is my tractor?
(I am so sorry).
What did the D.J. say to the Vegetable Farmer? Lettuce turnip the beet.
Why did the farmer start a punk rock band? He was tired of Haulin' Oats
As a farmer I've heard lots of jokes about sheep. I told them to my dog but he'd heard them all.
A farmer counted up all of his cows and found that he had 196 of them But when he rounded them up he had 200
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster farmer and a prostitute with diarrhoea? The farmer shucks between fits.
A farmer invested $10 million of his own money for a research on 'effects of Marijuana on cattle'. The steaks were high.
Why did the farmer stop smoking with his cattle? Because the steaks were too high...
What's the difference...
what's the difference between the rolling stones and a Scottish sheep farmer?
The rolling stones sing "hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"
The Scottish sheep farmers screams "hey! Mac cloud! Get off of my ewe!"
How did the farmer find his daughter? He Tractor.
What's the definition of a great farmer? He's outstanding in his field.
The farmer's wife just ran off with a farm equipment salesman. She wrote him a John Deere letter.
After reading, 50 shades of grey, my wife asked to treat her like Anastasia ... so I got the Bolshevik secret police to murder her family and I sold her to a Russian pig farmer.
Why did the farmer vivisect his daughter? He wanted to reverse cowgirl.