"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep
"What did you say?" said the farmer
"You herd me" said the sheep
How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass? Satisfying.
An ugly girl grabbed my butt today....
...I turned around and asked her, "Do you have a pen?"
She smiled and said, "Of course I do!"
I replied, "Well, you better get back to it before the farmer realizes you're missing."
What's the difference between a female farmer and Hitler's girlfriend? One bails her hay and the other heils her bae
A farmer had 196 cows in his field When he rounded them up he had 200
Ol' Russian joke
Comrade Stalin approaches a farmer and asks :
"Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"
"Enough to reach God, comrade!" Replied the farmer.
"But there is no God" said Stalin
"Ah, said the farmer, as there are no potatoes."
A farmer asked me for help with his chickens
He said "I have 87 chickens, can you help me round them up?"
I said "Sure... 90."
A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear Ahh Migraines!
In the divorce court today
In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.
He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.
If farmer A sells apple's, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell? Medicine
A farmer counted 198 cows in his field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
A farmer was counting his cows.... A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer? Gluten tag
There are 3 farmers, let’s call them A, B and C. Which one is the best with medicine? Farmer C
A Farmer asked me to round up his 68 sheep I said 'Sure, seventy'.
A farmer in Nebraska just had his fence destroyed by a tornado, and he's asking for our help He heard we have a lot of experts in re-posting
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field But when he rounded them up, he had 200
A farmer was in a field with his cows, he counted 196 of them.... ..... but when he rounded them up he had 200.
People always make fun of my dad because his name is Chip and he is a Dorito farmer You might think that is cheesy but actually we got to grow up on a really cool ranch
What did the Dorito Farmer say to the other Dorito Farmer? Cool Ranch
Why did the farmer get an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore... I told him to grow a pear.
What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottish farmer?
Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud'
The Scottish farmer says 'Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe'
I was in a field and this farmer came up to me and said " I got 68 sheep can you round them up for me ?"... I said "Sure 70" ...
How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer? Attract her.
Hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his beautiful young wife? He fired them.
Why did the farmer fire the DJ? Because he kept on dropping beets.
How does an Arab farmer find his goat in the sand dunes? Very satisfying.
How does a farmer count his cows?? with a Cowculator!!
A farmer was counting his cows A farmer was counting his cows and found out that he had 196, but when he rounded them up, he had 200.
Why did the non-binary farmer go to California in 1841? Because there be gold in them/their hills.
My friends a farmer with a huge ego problem All I did was ask where he was and he brags that he’s out standing in his field
A Farmer and his cows A farmer counted his Cows before taking them to auction and counted 196 of them. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
How did the farmer find his missing wife? He tractor down. ???
I just saw a farmer shave a sheep in 1 second. It was shear brilliance!
How should a farmer dress so he doesn't get attacked by his chickens? Impeccably
Guy walks up to a fat girl in the bar and asks: "Hey do you have a pen?"
She replies: "why yes I do"
Guy: "well you better get back there before the farmer gets mad!"
Somebody drove past me on a tractor yelling "the end of the world is nigh!" I think it was Farmer Geddon
I’m just milking it now.
Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.
A guy is driving through a rural area
when he sees a farmer holding a pig up to a tree so the pig can eat apples.
He stops his car and shouts to the farmer, 'Isn't that a waste of time?'
'Shoot'. says the farmer, 'what's time to a pig?'
Why did the farmer wrap the cow around his body? It was a jersey
What did the farmer do when someone asked them if he could give them head? He gave them some lettuce.
Have you seen the farmer that’s great at his job? He’s out standing in his field.
Why did the farmer never know how many sheep he had? Because every time he tried to count them all he fell asleep.
I went to ask a farmer for help
"I'm having lots of issues with a flock of cows"
"Heard of cows?"
"Yeah of course I've heard of cows there's a flock of them over there"
So I had an interview to work at a farm. The farmer asked “Have you ever milked a cow?” I said: “(utter)ly, yes I have!”
Where do you a piglet without a head?
Right where the farmer left it.
(This joke is courtesy of my 3yo niece, who came up with it all on her own...)
A farmer came up with an easy way to identify his cows. He had two brands that would distinguish between male and female cows... ...the male cows have one brand while the females have an utter.
More watermelon Farmer had a watermelon patch and some kept coming up missing so he put a sign up that said one of these is poisoned..next day he got up to ck and there was a sign that said now you have two
Did you hear about the farmer who named his male calf Terry? It was a Terry bull name.
How did the poultry farmer become wealthy? He sold all his chicken stock
How does a farmer find new cows to buy? He browses through a cattlelog.
A man on a tractor has just driven past me yelling "the end of the world is nigh" I think it was Farmer Geddon
A farmer won a competition. When they told him he won, he was so surprised. They say he was outstanding in his own field.
If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?
How did the blind farmer react when his dog got loose in his cantaloupe patch? He felt a bit melancholy.
What did the Idaho farmer plant when he was not sure if he was going sell the crop? Spectators.
What do a Nobel prize winner and an everyday farmer have in common? Both are outstanding in their field
What do you call a really horny tomato farmer with no lube? Friction till fruition.
What did the wholesome beet farmer say to his friend? I am rooting for you!
A cow ran away from it owner A farmer found him in the road and kept him. The first thing he saw was a cows bloody head on the ground. He gulped and said well running away was a misteak
“Deadass?” Farmer in disbelief that his donkey has passed away
A farmer friend of mine used his stimulus check to buy baby chickens. He got his money for nothing and his chicks for free.
My farmer friend claims one of his horses can do math using its hooves. It is a stable genius.
A farmer wins the lottery
A reporter asks him: " What are you going to do with the money?"
He says: "I'm just going to keep on farming until it is all gone.
It's not easy being a farmer You have to be outstanding in your field.
Did you guys hear about the chicken farmer who had a tornado go throw the birds' shelter? He's afraid he'll never be able to recoup his losses
What did the farmer say when he was driving his tractor down the road and his tire fell off? *You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel*
Every morning, my neighbor gets on his tractor, and starts yelling, “The End is near!” I hate staying next to Farmer Geddon.
Had to sue a deadbeat parsley farmer just wait until I garnish his wages
What does a musical farmer with no hands do? Drops the beet.
So there's this sheep farmer who had money troubles because he wasn't selling a lot of wool. He decided to sell the meat instead... ...needless to say, things went from baa to wurst.
Why did the farmer get rid of all of his horses one night? He was tired of having night mares.
Why did the farmer take his milk to the church? Because it needed to be pastor-ized
A farmer thought he had 198 cows in his pasture but there were 200 when he rounded them up
Did you hear about the farmer that was arrested? He was found in possession of illicit Corn-ography
What happened to the Herb Farmer when evidence was found that he'd been stealing from his company? He was convicted on counts of Embasilment.
Why did the farmer get an award? He was outstanding in his field.
A man on a tractor just passed me and shouted "The end of the world is nigh". No need to worry, that's just Farmer Geddon.
What did the Canadian chicken farmer ask Dr. Phil? You're looking for a chick, Phil, eh?
What did the farmer say when the cow came home late? "Hey Honey, how was your night out?"
When the farmer counted his cows in the field he had 196 When he rounded them up he had 200
What did the field say to the farmer ? Hey, homie
Why did the farmer cross the road? To catch his chicken.
The farmer isn't just good at his job, he isn't just great He's out standing in his field.
A cattle farmer walks into a store
and asks the cashier "can I pay in meat", to which the cashier responds "as long as it's tender".
I'm really sorry
What did the Farmer tell the calf, who couldn't sleep? Pasture bed time
Why is it so hard to keep a farmer in jail? Because they always make bale!
Farmer 1:What kind of person would make a path through my wheat field? Farmer 2:I guessing a scythopath.
What did the farmer say when he lost his sheep? "Where's my sheep?"
A farmer had 196 cows across 4 fields. When he rounded them up, he had 200.
Why did the farmer start a punk rock band? Because he was tired of haulin' oats
What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree? A chirotractor
So a farmer told me a story about his cow It was legend dairy.
Did you hear about the vegetable farmer that retired? He just wanted some peas and carrot.
Why was the handsome farmer given the "Best in 'Grass' " award? Because he was out standing in his field.
Did you hear about the farmer who left his gate open, causing his fattest cow to escape? It was a huge missed steak
What did the squash farmer say to the produce thief at the farmers market? You butternut steal my squash!
I shot a kid today The farmer is NOT happy...
What did the farmer do when his wife went missing? He tractor down.