Old Man Jokes


Funniest Old Man Jokes

A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?' The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'

Score: 2749
Funny Old Man Jokes
Score: 1209

A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone. "Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

Score: 456

A pun loving old man forgot to order his tombstone before he passed away This was a grave mistake

Score: 405

A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife... They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".

Score: 167

I got my weiner stuck in the DVD hole of that Pixar movie with the old man and the balloons. TIFU.

Score: 166

What do you call a 70 year old man trapped in the emotional state of a 14 year old girl? Mr. President.

Score: 163

I was watching an old man feeding birds at the park when I thought to myself... "i wonder how long he's been dead for..?"

Score: 144

Why did the old man fall in the well? He couldn't see that well.

Score: 131

An old man is walking in the hospital... An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

Score: 119

An old man goes to the gym... An old man goes to the gym and asks a trainer, "I want to impress young beautiful girls. What's the best machine I can use?"
The trainer responds, "The ATM"

Score: 112

I just heard an old man tell this joke on live radio... - Knock, Knock

- Who's there?

- Little Boy Blew

- Little Boy Blue, who?

- Jared, from Subway, that's who

Score: 100

A senior citizen is sitting at a bar.. A young woman walks in and sits down a couple seats over. The old man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans over and asks "So, do I come here often?"

Score: 73

My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend. It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.

Score: 63

An old man went to the doctor The doctor says "I'm afraid I have bad news. You have cancer... And you have alzheimer's."

The old man says "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

Score: 62

This old man approached me. He said, "I planted some seeds somewhere and I can't remember what allotment." "It's a synonym for 'many'," I replied, "but I can't help you with the first bit."

Score: 62

The doctor says to the old man "I'll need to check your blood, urine, and stool. The old man who is virtually deaf, turns to his wife and shouts "WHAT'D HE SAY?". His wife says "the doctor said he wants to see your underwear".

Score: 60

An old man goes back to bed ... And asks his wife " does the light in our bathroom turn on and off automatically ", she replies with "No why?", the old man sighs and says "well.... I'm going to buy a new fridge tomorrow"

Score: 59

I asked an old man, "Even after 60 years of being married, how can you still call your wife 'Honey', 'Darling' and 'Sweetheart'?" He replied, "Well I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her!"

Score: 53

A child and a creepy old man were walking through the woods one night. “I’m scared,” the child said.

“*You’re* scared?” the old man replied. “I gotta walk back alone!”

Score: 49

An 81-year-old man goes to see his doctor.: An 81-year-old man goes to see his doctor. The doctor says,
“I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer and you have
Alzheimer’s.” The old man brightens up and replies, “At least
it’s not cancer!”

Score: 35

As a fat, single, 40 year old man, I've been to alot of strip clubs. Too bad I haven't made much money.

Score: 31

Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts? He couldn't stand all the racket!

Score: 30

A handsome and well dressed old man walks into a bar... ... approaches a good looking elderly lady, and says:

"Do I come here often?"

Score: 29

I asked an old man.. One day I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's your secret?"

The old man replied "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"

Score: 28

An old man gets asked “Have you lived here all your life?” The old man replies: “I can’t answer that yet.”

Score: 23

A 95 year old man and a 93 year old woman file for divorce. Lawyer: Why divorce now after all this time together?
Woman: We wanted to wait until the kids were dead.

Score: 22

An old man goes to the doctor... The doctor says I have some bad news for you, you have cancer and Alzheimer’s. The old man goes well at least I don’t have cancer!

Score: 22

Yesterday I heard a woman shouting on the street toward her boyfriend "All men are dogs" An old man popped his head out of the window and replied,

##"Who told you to try them all??"

Score: 22

Being a 40 year old man, people started scolding me when I took out my 18 year old girlfriend for dinner I got called all sorts: creep, perv etc. I have to say, it really ruined our 10th anniversary together

Score: 21

walking through the park As I was walking through the park I saw an old man feeding the birds and I thought to myself "I wonder how long he's been dead"

Score: 21

An Old man and young boy walk into the woods... ... The young boy looks up to the old man and says "Gee Mister these woods sure are creepy!" The old man looks down and says "You're telling me! I have to go out of here alone!"

Score: 20

A old man walks into a McDonalds He is bent over and shuffling slowly. He approaches the counter with great difficulty and orders an ice cream sundae.

The cashier asks "Crushed nuts?"

The old man replies, "No arthritis."

Score: 20

This kid is dragging a chain down the road and it's bangin' and clanging and making so much noise. An old man pops out of a house and shouts "Son, why you gotta drag that chain?" and the kid replies "Sir, have you ever tried to *push* a chain?"

Score: 19

I went to shake the old man's hand But Parkinson's beat me to it

Score: 15

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

Score: 15

What did the cop say to the old man peeing in public? Urine trouble

Score: 14

Why did the old man fall into the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

Score: 13

I was out in the park today, watching an old man feed the birds. After a while I thought: "I wonder how long he's been dead?"

Milton Jones.

Score: 12

An old man approaches a prostitute ... He asks " How much for a little fun?"

She looks him over and asks " How old are you ?"

"I'm 87"

She says " You've had your fun !"

The old man says " Alright ... What do I owe you ?"

Score: 11

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New Old Man Jokes

Bob:... "I really should have listened to the advice my old man gave me." Tom..... "Why - what advice did he give you?"

Bob:.... "I don't know - I didn't listen."

Score: 3

I've been told many times that drinking brake fluid is bad for you. I feel fine so far, and I can stop whenever I want.

Score: 0

What do you call an old man that finally returns to visit his son? A "BOOMER"ang"

Score: 0

Why did the old man fall in that well? Because he couldn’t see that well

Score: 3

A wise old man once told me that great fortune comes from within. So I sold my kidneys.

Score: 7

What does a 40 year old man and a 1.5 year old anti-vaccine child have in common? They are both going through a mid-life crisis.

Score: 3

A boy walks up to an old man and asks,"Hey Grandpa, can you tell me what's the time?" The old man looks at his watch and says "It's either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard on."

Score: 2

An couple is ready... An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

Score: 1

It was really romantic to see an 85 year old man and 77 year old woman who were a couple for 65 years. It was horrifying when I did the math.

Score: 10

What does an 80 year old man and the Catalan republic have in common? They both only last around 8 seconds

Score: 2

An old man goes to his doctor. The doctor says "I got some bad news for you. you have Cancer and you have Alzheimer's."

And the old man says "At least I don't have Cancer."

Score: 7

It's all coming back to me now said the old man who peed in the wind

Score: 2

Why does every state have 2 senators? So that one can be the designated driver.

(overheard an old man at a garage sale telling this).

Score: 4

An old man was piloting a small plane with his wife and kids aboard as a powerful storm raged. “Don’t fret so much,” he said to them as they were filled with fear. “If anything should happen to me, I've provided for all of you very generously in my will.”

Score: 3

Why did the old man walk into the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

Score: 4

Why did the old man fall down the well? Because he couldnt see that well

Score: 2

Most popular joke in my country... Once there was a very very old man. He died when he was a child.

Score: 4

Last night I slept like a baby I had a hairy old man patting me on the back going "ssshhhh, everything's going to be OK."

Score: 2

87 year old man makes love to a 20 year old girl Halfway through, he as aneurysm but finishes strong. The girl goes to visit him at the hospital.

Girl: I didn't know you had it in you! I'm impressed!

Man: I've still got some strokes left.

Score: 3

Why did the old man fall into the well? He didn't see that well.

Score: 1

It's not nice sleeping in an old man's bed. But sometimes it's tiring being a nurse.

Score: 2

Why is Santa Clause such a jolly old man? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Score: 3

An old man is walking around with his zipper opened. His wife notices and turns to him and tells him to zip up his zipper

Which he relpies, "Why? What cant get up can't get out."

Score: 4

What does an old man and North Korea have in common? They can't get it up

Score: 8

An old couple prepares to go to sleep... The man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you on the floor?"
The old woman replies, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

Score: 2

Why did the old man fall into the well? Because..... he couldn't see that 'well'.

I'll see myself out.

Score: 7

Army Movie Intro Speech... His name was Jack Parts.

He joined the army just like his old man.

He was now known as Private Parts.

Score: 2

What did the old man say to his son before he kicked the bucket? "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

Score: 11

A 30 year old man is playing the newest Pokémon game when he hears, "you shouldn't be playing that..." He quickly responded, "Forgive me, Father, but the 90s are over."

Score: 1

A 40 year old man goes to buy a car.... and all he can afford is a base model civic.

Score: 1

What do call an old man that asks questions? Pop Quiz

Score: 2

An old man cheats on his wife The wife asks: "Why? What does she have that I don't?"

Her Husband answers: "Parkinson's".

Score: 1

A son comes to his grandpa.. ... And asks him "Grandpa, how comes all girls still like you?"

"Eh, eh, my lil' son...", said the old man licking his eyebrow

Score: 4

Why did the old man throw the matress out the window? Dementia

Score: 0

Did you hear the one about the old man and the little boy in a dark forest? The little boy says to the old man, "Mr. it's real scary way out here." The old man replies, "you're telling me, I have to walk out of here alone."

Score: 3

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