A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?' The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'
A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.
"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"
A pun loving old man forgot to order his tombstone before he passed away This was a grave mistake
The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.
A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.
The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."
The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."
The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."
Went to the hardware store today...
I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants.
Old man says "nope, it'll kill em"
A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife... They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".
I got my weiner stuck in the DVD hole of that Pixar movie with the old man and the balloons. TIFU.
What do you call a 70 year old man trapped in the emotional state of a 14 year old girl? Mr. President.
I was watching an old man feeding birds at the park when I thought to myself... "i wonder how long he's been dead for..?"
An old man is walking in the hospital...
An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!
An old man goes to the gym...
An old man goes to the gym and asks a trainer, "I want to impress young beautiful girls. What's the best machine I can use?"
The trainer responds, "The ATM"
I just heard an old man tell this joke on live radio...
- Knock, Knock
- Who's there?
- Little Boy Blew
- Little Boy Blue, who?
- Jared, from Subway, that's who
A senior citizen is sitting at a bar.. A young woman walks in and sits down a couple seats over. The old man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans over and asks "So, do I come here often?"
Why is Santa so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Told to me by an old man while buying a box.
My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend. It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.
An old man went to the doctor
The doctor says "I'm afraid I have bad news. You have cancer... And you have alzheimer's."
The old man says "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"
This old man approached me. He said, "I planted some seeds somewhere and I can't remember what allotment." "It's a synonym for 'many'," I replied, "but I can't help you with the first bit."
Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns don't work!
(Credit to this old man that just told it to me.)
The doctor says to the old man "I'll need to check your blood, urine, and stool. The old man who is virtually deaf, turns to his wife and shouts "WHAT'D HE SAY?". His wife says "the doctor said he wants to see your underwear".
An old man goes back to bed ... And asks his wife " does the light in our bathroom turn on and off automatically ", she replies with "No why?", the old man sighs and says "well.... I'm going to buy a new fridge tomorrow"
I asked an old man, "Even after 60 years of being married, how can you still call your wife 'Honey', 'Darling' and 'Sweetheart'?" He replied, "Well I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her!"
A child and a creepy old man were walking through the woods one night.
“I’m scared,” the child said.
“*You’re* scared?” the old man replied. “I gotta walk back alone!”
This is my all time favorite joke
Old man: I love my job
Young boy: all you do is round up sheep
Old man: what did you say to me?
Young boy: you herd
The little boy said "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog"? "What for?" said the old man. "Because Grandma said when you croak we are going to Disneyland."