Contents

Contents

"When am I ever gonna use this?" Asked the student to the algebra teacher "Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully

Why did the privileged white guy fail his algebra test? He didn't know enough about inequalities

Math joke courtesy of my teacher I'll do algebra and I'll do trigonometry, but graphing is where I draw the line.

I got in trouble in Algebra class today and had to stay after class for detention. I didn't enjoy the aftermath.

A student brings a slingshot to algebra class and fires gum at the professor It was a weapon of math disruption.

The problem with math jokes
Calculus jokes are derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are too formulaic but arithmetic jokes are just basic.

The outlier is the occasional statistics pun.

Before computers, we did Boolean algebra by hand. Everyone hated it. It was all Bool sheet work.

Algebra walks into a bar...
Orders a drink and sits at the bar alone. The bartender sees him sending multiple texts while constantly looking at the door.

Finally the bartender asks, "looking for someone?"

Algebra responds, "yeah, I'm trying to find my x"

Geometry is a lot like algebra, language arts, and french
Its like algebra because it has a lot of math,

Its like language arts because it has a lot of words in it,

And its like french because I don't understand it.

Math puns are boring Algebra puns are too linear, arithmetic puns are too basic, trigonometry puns are too graphic, calculus puns are all derivatives. Only the statistic puns are the occasional outlier.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. Always been a family favourite.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated during algebra class. It was a weapon of math disruption.

My old girlfriend wanted me to do her college algebra homework for her But frankly, I didn't want to solve for ex

An open letter to algebra teachers.
Dear algebra teachers,

Please stop trying to make us find your x. They're not coming back.

We don't know y either.

Sincerely,

Students.

People seem to remember high school differently than I do, but generally the same. For example, everyone hated Algebra 2. Weirdly, we all know it as the time my teacher continuously screwed me non-consensually while I was half-asleep.

It's unfortunate that revenge doesn't exist in science, because watching calculus plotting revenge against linear algebra It would be graphical

algebra relationships Dear Algebra, Please stop asking everyone to find your x. She’s not coming back.

Breaking News: Public schools are forcing Islamic teachings on America's children. Yeah, it turns out algebra was invented by some 9th century Muslim.

I beat up some people with an algebra textbook and was arrested
I was charged with using a Weapon of Math Instruction

(Hoping this is somewhat original)

Dear Algebra Please stop asking me to find your X, who left you and I don't know Y. Constant complaints will result in elimination.

A rubber band pistol... A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

Algebra must have trouble letting go of past relationships... ...it always wants people to find it's x.

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own.

Beginner

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to say!

4. Why was the math book depressed?

It had a lot of problems.

5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated?

Because it is never right.

6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper?

They must be plotting something.

7. Why was the equal sign so humble?

Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date?

The odd couple (but 7 is in her prime).

9. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place?

A Roamin’ numeral.

10. Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably.

11. What do you call dudes who love math?

Algebros.

12. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

13. Why should you never talk to Pi?

Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

14. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common?

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

15. Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

16. What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher?

Use acute angle.

17. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

18. How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

19. Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine!

20. Why DID seven eat nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

21. Why does nobody talk to circles?

Because there is no point.

22. Dear Algebra, stop trying to find your X.

They’re never coming back — don’t ask Y.

23. Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

Student: You told me not to use tables.

24. After a sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

25. There are three kinds of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

Intermediate

26. Why should you never mention the number 288?

Because it’s “two” gross.

27. What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?

A tangent. (A tan gent.)

28. What do baby parabolas drink?

Quadratic formula.

29. My girlfriend is the square root of –100.

She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

30. What’s the best way to serve pi?

A la mode. Anything else is mean.

31. Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?

It was 3 feet deep, on average.

32. How do you get from point A to point B?

Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.

33. The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

34. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

A: To get to the same side.

35. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.

36. There are three people applying for the same job at a bank: a mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant.

The interviewing committee asks the mathematician one question: What is 500 plus 500? The mathematician answers “1,000” without hesitation, and they send him along. Next, they call in the statistician and ask the same question. He thinks for a moment and answers “1,000… I’m 95 percent confident.” When the accountant comes in, he is asked the same question: “What is 500 + 500?” He bows and replies, “What would you like it to be?”

They hire the accountant.

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to say!

4. Why was the math book depressed?

It had a lot of problems.

5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated?

Because it is never right.

6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper?

They must be plotting something.

7. Why was the equal sign so humble?

Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date?

The odd couple (but 7 is in her prime).

9. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place?

A Roamin’ numeral.

10. Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably.

11. What do you call dudes who love math?

Algebros.

12. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

13. Why should you never talk to Pi?

Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

14. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common?

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

15. Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

16. What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher?

Use acute angle.

17. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

18. How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

19. Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine!

20. Why DID seven eat nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

21. Why does nobody talk to circles?

Because there is no point.

22. Dear Algebra, stop trying to find your X.

They’re never coming back — don’t ask Y.

23. Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

Student: You told me not to use tables.

24. After a sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

25. There are three kinds of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

Intermediate

26. Why should you never mention the number 288?

Because it’s “two” gross.

27. What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?

A tangent. (A tan gent.)

28. What do baby parabolas drink?

Quadratic formula.

29. My girlfriend is the square root of –100.

She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

30. What’s the best way to serve pi?

A la mode. Anything else is mean.

31. Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?

It was 3 feet deep, on average.

32. How do you get from point A to point B?

Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.

33. The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

34. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

A: To get to the same side.

35. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.

36. There are three people applying for the same job at a bank: a mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant.

The interviewing committee asks the mathematician one question: What is 500 plus 500? The mathematician answers “1,000” without hesitation, and they send him along. Next, they call in the statistician and ask the same question. He thinks for a moment and answers “1,000… I’m 95 percent confident.” When the accountant comes in, he is asked the same question: “What is 500 + 500?” He bows and replies, “What would you like it to be?”

They hire the accountant.

...which it learned with no difficulty. Algebra was a breeze, and it could even prove theorems in Euclidean geometry. However, when someone tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously, neigh loudly, and make violent head motions in resistance.

The moral of this story is that you can't put Descartes before the horse.

The moral of this story is that you can't put Descartes before the horse.

I'm not really good at writing stories so bear with me.

Simon, a high school student, passed his sophomore year with a 100% in Algebra 2. Thinking he was the most outstanding student ever, he went to his counselor to ask if he can skip directly to Calculus AB.

"Calculus is a very rigorous subject," the counselor advised, "You need to take Precalculus first."

"Well I heard Precalculus is mostly review from Algebra 2," Simon reasoned, "I believe I can handle the difficulties at my skill level."

The counselor saw that Simon was adamant and would not take no for an answer, so he complied with a sigh.

When the school year started, Simon went to class thinking he must be the youngest student there, and he was pretty smug about it. All went well until the second week, things started to fall apart...

The teacher, Mr. Wong (yes ik that sounds like Mr. Kuang) started going into derivatives. Simon realized that he was struggling to understand the lessons! However his pride made him keep everything to himself. Simon thought eventually things will move on.

By the chapter test, Simon was panicking. The test is worth 15% of his grade, yet he doesn't understand a single concept!

As you probably guessed, Simon got a 17% on the test.

Crying, he went back to his counselor and begged to be moved back to Precalculus.

His counselor shook his head and sighed, "You should have known your limits."

Simon, a high school student, passed his sophomore year with a 100% in Algebra 2. Thinking he was the most outstanding student ever, he went to his counselor to ask if he can skip directly to Calculus AB.

"Calculus is a very rigorous subject," the counselor advised, "You need to take Precalculus first."

"Well I heard Precalculus is mostly review from Algebra 2," Simon reasoned, "I believe I can handle the difficulties at my skill level."

The counselor saw that Simon was adamant and would not take no for an answer, so he complied with a sigh.

When the school year started, Simon went to class thinking he must be the youngest student there, and he was pretty smug about it. All went well until the second week, things started to fall apart...

The teacher, Mr. Wong (yes ik that sounds like Mr. Kuang) started going into derivatives. Simon realized that he was struggling to understand the lessons! However his pride made him keep everything to himself. Simon thought eventually things will move on.

By the chapter test, Simon was panicking. The test is worth 15% of his grade, yet he doesn't understand a single concept!

As you probably guessed, Simon got a 17% on the test.

Crying, he went back to his counselor and begged to be moved back to Precalculus.

His counselor shook his head and sighed, "You should have known your limits."

Four friends have been doing really well in their algebra class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over. They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help." The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning." When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing. The first question - five points out of one hundred - is a simple exercise in algebra, and all four finish it within ten minutes. When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:

Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?

Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?

She had stayed behind after everyone else had left, furiously working away at proof exercises. The teacher walked up to her and said, "Why are you working so hard?"

She looked up and responded: "Harry Styles will marry me if and only if I finish top of my class."

The teacher looked bemused. "How can you make such a claim?"

The student's face lit up. "Well", she said, "let's say that I DO finish top of my class. Then I'll win lots of awards, and I'll spend the award money following Harry around on tour for six months after I graduate. That will get me enough knowledge to secure a management position at Harry's record company; I'll be able to meet him, and we'll fall in love and get married. So you see, if I finish top of my class, then Harry is sure to become my husband."

The teacher was impressed. "That was good." He said,

"But you only proved one direction."

She looked up and responded: "Harry Styles will marry me if and only if I finish top of my class."

The teacher looked bemused. "How can you make such a claim?"

The student's face lit up. "Well", she said, "let's say that I DO finish top of my class. Then I'll win lots of awards, and I'll spend the award money following Harry around on tour for six months after I graduate. That will get me enough knowledge to secure a management position at Harry's record company; I'll be able to meet him, and we'll fall in love and get married. So you see, if I finish top of my class, then Harry is sure to become my husband."

The teacher was impressed. "That was good." He said,

"But you only proved one direction."

This will be entirely from the point of view of Mr. Locke; it is not actually me who said this, even though I use the word "I."

I was just opening the envelope I had received from one of my colleagues. I read the short card inside that said "please come to my house from a christmas eve party at 9:00." I went over my schedule in my head to make sure it was free, and sure enough, it was.

Christmas eve rolls around and I arrive at the party. I see a lot of other teachers there, from every subject, even those stupid history teachers.

It was a good party; everyone was dancing, eating, drinking, having lots of fun. But there was one catch: The dog.

I hated dogs.

I tried to have as much fun as I could, and it was fun socializing when the dog was around. But when he was, I was just instantly put into a bad mood. It smelled bad, licked me, all this stuff that I hated.

So the party was starting to come to an end and people were starting to leave; it was late. I began to wind down and started to get ready to leave. I went to say goodbye to my fellow teacher who was hosting the party.

Me: "Hey, thanks so much for having everyone over! This was a lot of fun!"

Teacher: "Oh yeah, no problem at all. I'm glad you had a good time. And you can see yourself out, but make sure the dog doesn't get out."

Me: "Sure thing. See you next Monday."

I began to make my way to the door, and the dog realized that I was getting ready to leave. He started to follow me, and I thought I wasn't even going to have to worry about accidentally letting the dog out.

I made it to the door, and sure enough, the dog is following me. I slowly opened the door, doing that awkward thing where you push your whole body tightly against the small opening and try to squeeze out.

Yet, sure enough, the dog slipped through my legs. As it was going through my legs, I tried to shut the door, in an attempt to keep it from escaping. It got out... mostly.

Because of my hatred for dogs, I was already a little bit P.O.'ed from the dog being all up in my air, so I closed the door a little bit more aggressively than necessary... right on the dogs tail. The door shut, and the dog was attached to the door via tail.

I was completely astounded at what I had done, and had no idea what to do. The tail stopped moving, and there was clearly something wrong with it - it might have been broken.

I decided to just load the dog into my SUV and find a vet, without the dog's owner knowing (I felt very horrible).

I drove for 3 hours trying to find a vet, but could not find a vet that dealt with tails. No matter where I drove, I could not find one.

Suddenly, a light at the end of the tunnel appeared. It was Walmart, the #1 re-tail-er in the country!

I was just opening the envelope I had received from one of my colleagues. I read the short card inside that said "please come to my house from a christmas eve party at 9:00." I went over my schedule in my head to make sure it was free, and sure enough, it was.

Christmas eve rolls around and I arrive at the party. I see a lot of other teachers there, from every subject, even those stupid history teachers.

It was a good party; everyone was dancing, eating, drinking, having lots of fun. But there was one catch: The dog.

I hated dogs.

I tried to have as much fun as I could, and it was fun socializing when the dog was around. But when he was, I was just instantly put into a bad mood. It smelled bad, licked me, all this stuff that I hated.

So the party was starting to come to an end and people were starting to leave; it was late. I began to wind down and started to get ready to leave. I went to say goodbye to my fellow teacher who was hosting the party.

Me: "Hey, thanks so much for having everyone over! This was a lot of fun!"

Teacher: "Oh yeah, no problem at all. I'm glad you had a good time. And you can see yourself out, but make sure the dog doesn't get out."

Me: "Sure thing. See you next Monday."

I began to make my way to the door, and the dog realized that I was getting ready to leave. He started to follow me, and I thought I wasn't even going to have to worry about accidentally letting the dog out.

I made it to the door, and sure enough, the dog is following me. I slowly opened the door, doing that awkward thing where you push your whole body tightly against the small opening and try to squeeze out.

Yet, sure enough, the dog slipped through my legs. As it was going through my legs, I tried to shut the door, in an attempt to keep it from escaping. It got out... mostly.

Because of my hatred for dogs, I was already a little bit P.O.'ed from the dog being all up in my air, so I closed the door a little bit more aggressively than necessary... right on the dogs tail. The door shut, and the dog was attached to the door via tail.

I was completely astounded at what I had done, and had no idea what to do. The tail stopped moving, and there was clearly something wrong with it - it might have been broken.

I decided to just load the dog into my SUV and find a vet, without the dog's owner knowing (I felt very horrible).

I drove for 3 hours trying to find a vet, but could not find a vet that dealt with tails. No matter where I drove, I could not find one.

Suddenly, a light at the end of the tunnel appeared. It was Walmart, the #1 re-tail-er in the country!

One day I was discussing about the traits of some politicians with my boss and my co-worker. I shared with them my understanding of three types of evil:

(a) an explicit a\*\*hole; (b) a hypocrite; (c) a puppet.

I told the boss he is (a+b+c)/3.

I told the co-worker he is ∛(abc).

Can you tell who is worse?

(a) an explicit a\*\*hole; (b) a hypocrite; (c) a puppet.

I told the boss he is (a+b+c)/3.

I told the co-worker he is ∛(abc).

Can you tell who is worse?