Family Jokes

Contents

Funniest Family Jokes

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four

Funny Family Jokes

Why do people in Alabama not do the reverse cowgirl? Because you never turn your back on family

I think my family is racist... when I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!

I froze myself to -273.1°C ..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

The f in orphan stands for family wait

My mum suffers with short term memory loss Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I️ said, “No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine”

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber He died last week

surrounded by his family

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

I almost got raped in jail I think my family takes monopoly way too seriously

I think my family is racist I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend

My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things

Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist. It's called Facebook.

Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists. I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.

The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

My friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them... Or because the rest of the family was there... Either way, it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.

Scientists confirmed West Virginia has zero cases of COVID-19 This was due to the fact that one family was immune to the strain.

My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child... I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

I introduced my girlfriend to my family today. My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.

A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he’s going deaf “What are the symptoms?” The doctor asks

“They’re that yellow family that live in Springfield”

My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid. But i can stop any time i want.

I think my entire family is racist. I was dating an Asian woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family

My wife and kids didn't even want to talk to me.

My family treats me like a God They forget that I exist unless they want something

My dad suffers from short term memory loss... I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)

Just found this cool new app that tells you which family members are racist... Its called Facebook

I just found out I'm colour blind The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)

Girls, if a guy... * Remembers your birthday
* Knows what you enjoy
* Saves your pictures
* Understands your family & friends

This guy is not your man, this guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back... He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.

I almost got raped in jail My family takes monopoly way too seriously

It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions Like the Smith family were blacksmiths


and the Bowman family were archers


and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail

Apparently Trump's family tree looks like a cactus Everybody on it is a prick

My family tree is a cactus Because everyone on it is a prick

People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer. We now live in a one bedroom unit.

When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be "You guys want to see a dead body?"

Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you. We keep it in the family

My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister's panties It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. Needless to say it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.

Popular Topics

New Family Jokes

A family walks into a zoo and the only animal there is a dog. ...
It was as a Shitzu

I think my family is racist I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them and now my wife and kids won't speak to me.

What's the difference between a pizza and a musician? A pizza can feed a family of four.

Why don't they do reverse cowgirl in Alabama? Because you don't turn your back on family

What's the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent? Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.

Some last names originate from what the family did in the past... Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons...

My friends and family swear I’m addicted to cocaine, but I’m not. I just like the smell.

What do you call an heirloom vape pen? A family Juul

What do you call a double date in Alabama? A family dinner

My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea. ​

It runs in our jeans.

I don't hate my wife's relatives. My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”

Girl, we’re just like Romeo and Juliet Cuz my family hates you and I want to kill myself.

I'm addicted to brake fluid and my family is upset. But it doesn't bother me. I can stop anytime.

My father who comes from a long line of clowns just retired and wants me to continue the family legacy. I've got some big shoes to fill

My 3 favourite things I have 3 favourite things in the world. Eating my family and not using commas :D

I come from a family of failed magicians I have two half sisters.

I was at a family barbecue yesterday night and my great grandma started giggling. When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection. Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One looks at the family tree and the other examines the family bush.

My grandfather with alzheimer died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction. Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

I almost got raped in jail. My family takes Monopoly way to seriously.

:)

My family couldn't agree on whether to get grandpa buried or cremated... ...so in the end we just let him live.

I was born to an Asian family But it was rough, the doctors had to perform a C section.

My dad slapped me at birth for not getting an A+ section.

What did the Stormtrooper say to his family before shipping off to Empire basic training? I’ll miss you.

What's the difference between a musician & a park bench? A park bench can support a family of 4

My granddad was surrounded by his family when he died. Such was the manpower needed to hold the pillow over his face.

Why is reverse cowgirl frowned upon in Alabama? Because you don't turn your back on family

My three favorite things My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I think my family are a bunch of racists I just started dating a black woman and I recently brought her to meet my family.

The kids won't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

My girlfriend and her family all say I'm paranoid. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what they're all saying behind my back, whenever I'm not around.

My family is pure treasure... ... You will need a map and a shovel to find them.

I think my family is racist When i brought home my black girlfriend, my wife screamed.

I need to have glasses to see my family Specifically Two glasses of scotch

What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up family trees.
A gynecologist looks up bushes.

My family is like treasure You need a map, and a shovel to find them.

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion. As he was dying he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard with him no longer around.

My boss won't stop flirting with me, it's making me feel really uncomfortable. Mainly because we're a family run business.

Little Timmy asks his friend " Does your family pray before dinner?" His friend replies "No, my mom knows how to cook"

Popular Topics

Long Family Jokes

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high.

*My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake*, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers.

*How quaint,* the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday.

He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense.

"Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake."

"Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk."

The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad.

The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have cost.

The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked,

"Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!"

The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma."

PART 2 and PART 3 in my profile

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher. Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched . “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.

“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?”

The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

A man and his family walk into a bar...

Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory". The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true. The child asks "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?" The Native American states "eggs." The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years later, when the child returns back with his own family he sees the same native at the bar. Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical "how!" The Native replies "scrambled."

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.

While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow
morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.

The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent alone on the ship, he became adept at building small robots to help him complete his tasks. He formed relationships with the little bots, but he found he missed the companionship of real humans. He would take small stints in the cryogenic chambers in order to prolong his life, as so to complete his mission of getting his friends and family to their new home. But a long life with no one real to talk to is lacking.

With his knowledge of robotics, he took it upon himself to build an artificial human. Something that looked real. Something that felt real. Something that would make the unbearable loneliness go away.

He didn’t feel right copying the likeness of any members of the sleeping crew, so he modeled the robot on himself. By the time he was done, there “he” was, a perfect replica of Jacques himself. He named the robot Jacques 2.0, because who else was there to get confused? And as he grew older, it would be easier to remember his own name, he figured.

Well, years passed as they are want to do. He grew old and frail on the journey, but Jacques 2.0 remained as lively and youthful as ever, helping his creator to complete the tasks the old man’s bones could no longer handle.

As the old man lay dying, he asked his robotic companion to do him a favor. He wanted his remains to be scattered among the stars, the asteroids, and the comets they passed. He did not want to be buried on a planet he would never see, but instead live on in the vastness of space that had become his home. So when the day finally came, Jacques 2.0 sent his creator’s ashes out of the airlock and into the universe.

But the journey was not over. Jacques 2.0 carried on his creator’s duties for years and helped the crew arrive on their new home. As the ship grew close to the planet, he pulled the switch to wake the crew. One by one they woke from their long sleep and travelled to the observation deck to see their new home. When they arrived, though, they found themselves in complete shock. There was Jacques, as lively and youthful as ever, waiting for them.

“How can this be?” They asked. “Surely you would at the very least be an old, old man by now. It has been so long since we left Earth.”

Jacques 2.0 raised his hands slightly in a calming gesture and said, “Do not worry. I am here to send you a message of love and care from Jacques. I was created to help him complete his mission. I may look like him, but in truth, I am not him. For you see,” and with this he gestured towards the stars and space above their heads, “the real Jacques is in the comets.”

My friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

EDIT: Thank you for the gold!!

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had indeed died. The father thought that it was just a very lucky coincidence.

A few months later, he tucked her daughter into bed, and she said a prayer. “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma.” And of course, the next day, the grandmother died. The father realized that his daughter could predict the family deaths, and that this was no coincidence.

A few weeks later, he tucked his daughter into bed, and her prayer went “God bless mommy, and good bye daddy.” Her father went into shock. He stood up all night waiting for the worse, and then sunrise came. He decided to just stay at work the entire day to be safe. He stayed at his office until midnight came. When it did, nothing happened.

He breathed a sigh of relief. When he came home, his wife asked why he was home so late.
“I had the worst day of my life.” Said the father. “If you think your day was hard, you won’t believe what happened to me, my boss died in the middle of a meeting!”

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, *"When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."*

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, *"I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."*

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, *"It’s just 99 cents a word."*

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, *“I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”*

The telegraph operator shakes his head. *"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"*
The brunette explains, *"My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."*

An odd joke

Once there was a guy whose parents named him Odd. All through school, Odd was made fun of for his odd name. Eventually, as an grown man, he found a beautiful woman to marry and raise a family with. During a summer day in their 70s, Odd told his wife as they sat in the living room that he had never liked his odd name. He told her that, when he died, she should just put his birthday and date of death on the grave, without his name. Sure enough, several years later, Odd passed away. His wife did as he had requested, and buried him, putting only his birthday and date of death on the gravestone. But it was futile. To this day, people still walk by the grave and say:




"Isn't that Odd?"

Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet was hurting real bad.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'

'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the
other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said.
'My God. That was even tighter.'

'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."


"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"


"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."


The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?”

“I’m marrying a Russet!”

“A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”

As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother, I too, have an announcement.”

“And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!”

“You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?”

“I’m marrying an Idaho,” beamed the middle daughter. “An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted.

“Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.”

“Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

“Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!”

“Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?”

“I’m marrying Dan Rather!”

“DAN RATHER?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly...
com-for-da-bull."

Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

Popular Topics