My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
Why don't hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl? Because you don't turn your back on family.
One day when I was young...... I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.
Why do people in Alabama not do the reverse cowgirl? Because you never turn your back on family
I think my family is racist... when I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!
I froze myself to -273.1°C ..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K
Why don't hillbillies do reverse cowgirl? Because they don't turn their back on family.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family... .. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
My mum suffers with short term memory loss Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I️ said, “No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine”
Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber
He died last week
surrounded by his family
I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
I almost got raped in jail I think my family takes monopoly way too seriously
Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist. It's called Facebook.
Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.
The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
My friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them... Or because the rest of the family was there... Either way, it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.
My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child... I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.
I introduced my girlfriend to my family today. My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.
A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he’s going deaf
“What are the symptoms?” The doctor asks
“They’re that yellow family that live in Springfield”
My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid. But i can stop any time i want.
I think my entire family is racist.
I was dating an Asian woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family
My wife and kids didn't even want to talk to me.
My dad suffers from short term memory loss... I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
Just found this cool new app that tells you which family members are racist... Its called Facebook
I just found out I'm colour blind
The diagnosis came completely out of the green.
(Courtesy of a family member)
Girls, if a guy...
* Remembers your birthday
* Knows what you enjoy
* Saves your pictures
* Understands your family & friends
This guy is not your man, this guy is Mark Zuckerberg.
I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...
He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.
Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
Apparently Trump's family tree looks like a cactus Everybody on it is a prick
My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister's panties It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. Needless to say it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.
How does an Indian girl tell her family she will be wearing a Western dress to her wedding? "Sorry, not Sari."
I need glasses to see my family Specifically, two glasses of scotch.
Why is it good being an orphan Every bag of chips is family sized
Why are Alabama weddings so small? Because you only need to invite one family.
Why are Alabama weddings so small? They've only gotta invite one family
I was born to an Asian family
But it was rough, the doctors had to perform a C section.
My dad slapped me at birth for not getting an A+ section.
A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family."
So, what's your profession again?
"Well", answered the man, "I'm a magician!"
"A Magician? What type of Magician?"
"It's a family business and I do the sawing down!"
"So do you have siblings?"
"Yes, two half brothers"
Why couldn't a transgender man see his mom and dad after he came out to his family? Because they became transparents
Why don't they do the reverse cowgirl in Alabama? You don't turn your back on family.
Did you hear about the family that was so poor... ...that a burglar broke into their home and all he got was practice?
They don't do reverse cowgirl in Alabama... You never turn your back on family.
Little Timmy asks his friend " Does your family pray before dinner?" His friend replies "No, my mom knows how to cook"
What does a tornado and a black family have in common? It only takes one to ruin the neighborhood.
I think my family might be racist I bought my black girlfriend over to meet them, and my wife wouldn't even talk to her
I need glasses to see my family. In particular, two glasses of scotch.
My family was being held captive by a salad It wouldn’t lettuce leaf
I can count the number of generations of inbreeding in my family on one hand It's 12
I've got diarrhoea, my dads got diarrhoea and my brothers got diarrhoea. Runs in the family.
They should make another Taken movie about Liam Neeson being underappreciated for keeping his family safe It should be called Taken 4: Granted
I went on vacation with my girlfriends family - her dad is really religious and said we could not sleep together Which is a shame cuz he's a really attractive man
My family told me to stop eating the leftover Thanksgiving food from the fridge. But sadly, I couldn't quit cold turkey.
After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back. I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.
What a the difference between a sofa and a guitar player? The sofa can support a family.
I was at Christmas dinner with my family and I asked my Grandfather what he does for a living... My Mother replied, "I'm a ventriloquist."
I belong to a family of failed magicians... I’ve got two half-sisters.
Why was Dre's grandma so happy when she found out his career choice? Because there was finally a Doctor in the family who could perform her hip op.
My best friend caught me sniffing his sister's panties It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. He did call the cops though. Needless to say it made the rest of her funeral really awkward.
So my family and I go past a nursing home... There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"
Incest is like a board game It's fun for the whole family!
My internet stopped working for some time so I went out of my room to see my family They were nice people
If pro is the opposite of con....
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
Joe Swanson - Family Guy
I was at dinner with my girlfriends family
She said "Pass the salt, daddy".
It got really awkward when her father and I both reached for it...
What's the difference between a philosophy major and a picnic table? A picnic table can support a family.
According to this nutrition label... I am a family of four
Why did the family have to put-down their dog? Because he didn't want to be held.
Always hated how at weddings the old family farts would cuckle and say "It's your turn next time.." So I started telling them the same at funerals
They said I would miss my family... I never miss at close range.
Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred
A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse responds, "My alcoholism is killing my family."
I treat my family like dogs. With financial support and unconditional love.
A Chinese family's dog ran away one night ...Thanksgiving was ruined.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.
between a genealogist and a gynecologist
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
I was telling my wife about how diabetes runs in my family. She told me, "Don't be silly, nobody runs in your family."
My doctor asked me if any of my family members suffered from mental illnesses I said no, they all seem to enjoy it.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?" The horse says Alcoholism is destroying my family.
I introduced my new boyfriend to my family last night Everyone was totally fine with it except for my wife
Patient: The problem is, Doctor, obesity runs in my family. Doctor: No; the problem is nobody runs in your family.
My father had a weak heart and terrible claustrophobia. He died at home, surrounded by his family.
"Mom why does everyone in our family suddenly die?" "... Mom?"
Our family surname is “Daniels”
So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack.
She hates it.
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One looks up ur family tree. The other looks up ur family bush
My family might be racist When I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife yelled at me.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
Interview with a stage magician
* So, what do you do?
* I saw women in half.
* Do you have any family?
* Four half sisters.
My friend got angry at me for sniffing his sister's panties.
It didn't help that they were still on her.
Or that their whole family was watching.
This made the rest of the funeral quite awkward.
I'm pretty sure that I am related to Albert Einstein. However despite all of my research into my family tree, I just can't prove my theory of relativity.
What do you call a family member who doesn't support their arguments with evidence?
(I came up with this just now and I'm so proud of it and I haven't slept in 3 days)
My girlfriends family is quite religious. I remember the first time i went to stay with her at parents house and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame really because he's very attractive.
2016 strikes again. The inventor of the inappropriate innuendo has died. His family are taking it really hard.
Just been informed the man who stole my journal has died. My thoughts are with his family.
I'd say being fat runs in my family.. But nobody runs in my family.
A married couple were fighting... ...when they drove past a farm full of pigs. The husband then asked his wife, "Family of yours?" The wife looked at the pigs, then replied, "Yea, in-laws."
My girlfriend's family are quite strict. I remember the first time I went to stay with her at her parent's house, and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. Which is a shame, because he's very attractive.
A stormtrooper sits down to have dinner with his family...
His son asks him "dad what is this we are eating?"
The stromtrooper replies "Baby wookie steaks. How is it?"
His sons says "It's a little chewy."
Good news everybody! The worlds fattest family have lost 400 lb! ...One of them died.