My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four
Why do people in Alabama not do the reverse cowgirl? Because you never turn your back on family
I think my family is racist... when I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!
I froze myself to -273.1°C ..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
The f in orphan stands for family wait
My mum suffers with short term memory loss Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I️ said, “No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine”
Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber
He died last week
surrounded by his family
I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
I almost got raped in jail I think my family takes monopoly way too seriously
I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend
My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist. It's called Facebook.
Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.
The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
My friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them... Or because the rest of the family was there... Either way, it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.
Scientists confirmed West Virginia has zero cases of COVID-19 This was due to the fact that one family was immune to the strain.
My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child... I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.
I introduced my girlfriend to my family today. My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.
A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he’s going deaf
“What are the symptoms?” The doctor asks
“They’re that yellow family that live in Springfield”
My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid. But i can stop any time i want.
I think my entire family is racist.
I was dating an Asian woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family
My wife and kids didn't even want to talk to me.
My family treats me like a God They forget that I exist unless they want something
My dad suffers from short term memory loss... I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
Just found this cool new app that tells you which family members are racist... Its called Facebook
I just found out I'm colour blind
The diagnosis came completely out of the green.
(Courtesy of a family member)
Girls, if a guy...
* Remembers your birthday
* Knows what you enjoy
* Saves your pictures
* Understands your family & friends
This guy is not your man, this guy is Mark Zuckerberg.
I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...
He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.
Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
I almost got raped in jail My family takes monopoly way too seriously
It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths
and the Bowman family were archers
and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail
Apparently Trump's family tree looks like a cactus Everybody on it is a prick
My family tree is a cactus Because everyone on it is a prick
People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer. We now live in a one bedroom unit.
When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be "You guys want to see a dead body?"
Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you. We keep it in the family
My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister's panties It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. Needless to say it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.
A family takes their sick dog to the vet.
The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."
"Why?", asks the shocked family. "Is he sick?"
"No", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."
A close friend recently died, and at the funeral I asked if I could say a word
The family agreed and as I stood as the podium, I exhaled, "Bargain".
Teary eyed the family thanked me, they knew it meant a great deal.
Teacher to a grade 2 student : Who is the youngest member in your family ? STUDENT : Papa
Teacher : How ?
Student : Because he still sleeps with mummy.
A family walks into a zoo and the only animal there is a dog.
It was as a Shitzu
I think my family is racist I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them and now my wife and kids won't speak to me.
Did any of you hear about that deaf guy who saved a family from a burning building? Yeah neither did he.
Who's Donald Trump's least favorite family member? Aunt Tifa.
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist? One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.
West Virginia Pregnancy Rate Hits All Time Low as COVID-19 Puts Stop to Family Reunions Not The Onion.
Why does no one do the reverse cowgirl position in alabama? Because you never turn your back on family
My three favorite things are eating my family and omitting commas.
Since I was the only one in my family to get the coronavirus, I had to tell them "Don't worry, I got you covid."
What did the skeleton say before dinner? BONE appetit. His whole family found that HUMERUS.
What's the difference between a pizza and a musician? A pizza can feed a family of four.
My family members are like good memes... They’re all dead
My dad died last year...
My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept insisting "be positive," but it's hard without him.
Alcoholics don't run in my family They stumble around and break stuff
My entire family urged me to get an abortion but my grandparents supported my decision. They are great grandparents.
Alabama family reunions It has been reported that COVID-19 has greatly reduced family reunions due to social distancing requirements. Evidently this has caused a significant decrease in Alabama teen pregnancy.
What's the difference between a pizza and a bass player? Pizza can feed family of four.
I grew up in a family of potters.
I told my dad "I don't want to make pots anymore, I want to make baskets" and he was furious - he was going to kick me out.
He said "go. Weave."
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
Horse replies, "My entire family was just killed in a horrible automobile accident."
Say what you will about "Sweet Home Alabama" At least it's family friendly
I told my family a Coronavirus joke... ...my grandparents were the only ones who got it.
My girlfriend and I played footsie at the family table and I climaxed. Turns out it was her grandmother. Guess I got off on the wrong foot.
Dad: I'm divorcing your mom
Son: Hi Divorcing your mom, I'm Son
Dad: No you're not, thats why I'm divorcing her
Why don't they do reverse cowgirl in Alabama? Because you don't turn your back on family
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear Im not exactly sure if it was because she was still wearing it or because the rest of the family was present. Either way it made the funeral very awkward.
What's the difference between an English Major and a Pizza? A pizza can feed a family of 4.
Once my dad kicked the bucket, our family wasn't able to financially support ourselves anymore. Turns out treating a broken toe costs a lot of money.
Whats difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist. A gynecologist looks up your bush while a genealogist looks up your whole family tree.
What do you call an orgy where everyone is related? A family affair
A horse walks into a bar
The bartender says:"Why the long face?"
And the horse says:"I am finally realizing my alcoholism is driving my family apart."
I just told my family about my secret life as a pastor... They know about my altar ego.
What's the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent? Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.
Everyone in my family calls me aimless.
I wanted to move away from them all to a whole new place. So took a large US map and decided to move to the place my dart hits.
I am in Brazil now.
Did you hear about the family of chickpeas that were killed while eating dinner last night? It was ruled a hummicide.
Some last names originate from what the family did in the past... Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons...
They don’t do reverse cowgirl in Alabama They never turn there back on family
My family told me I have a drug problem.. No, I don't have a problem with drugs? I love drugs!
What happens when you play a country western song backwards? You get your dog back,you get your wife back,your family comes home,you get your truck back...
My grandparents are from San Juan, Puerto Rico, but the rest of my family is European. I guess that makes me Quarter-Rican.
We just had our family portrait painted and I'm a little bummed. I had my eyes closed.
What did the family of cannibals give the person who showed up late for their dinner party? A cold shoulder
If Steve Harvey and his relatives ran a kingdom during the Middle Ages... ... You'd call it Family Feudalism.
My friends and family swear I’m addicted to cocaine, but I’m not. I just like the smell.
Prince Harry is leaving the royal family to become a painter He's going to be the artist formerly known as Prince.....
What's the difference between a brown family and a white family? On an average the brown parents have 4 kids while the white kids have 4 parents.
My internet went out for a few minutes on new years.. Met my family downstairs. They seem like nice people.
What do you call an heirloom vape pen? A family Juul
At a funeral, a guy approaches another one and asks
- Would you know the password for the Wi-Fi?
- ...please respect the family of the deceased
- With or without spaces?
Missed talking to my friends and family at my funeral But you could say I was there in spirit
I sexually identify as a female I keep trying to convince my family that Im not a guy, but alas
What is the difference between a genealogist and gynaecologist? Genealogist looks up the family tree and gynaecologist looks up the family bush.
What do you call a double date in Alabama? A family dinner
You should never mess with chinese people Because there a good chance you mess with the Wong family
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in our jeans.
What's the difference between a musician and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four
Why did the Alabama strip club close? They lost too much money from the family discount.
I don't hate my wife's relatives.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
Our family was so poor when I was growing up If I hadn’t been a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with
Why cant girls from Alabama do reverse cowgirl? Cause you never turn your back on family