My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four
Why do people in Alabama not do the reverse cowgirl? Because you never turn your back on family
I think my family is racist... when I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
My mum suffers with short term memory loss Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I️ said, “No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine”
Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber
He died last week
surrounded by his family
I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend
My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist. It's called Facebook.
Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.
The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
My friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them... Or because the rest of the family was there... Either way, it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.
Scientists confirmed West Virginia has zero cases of COVID-19 This was due to the fact that one family was immune to the strain.
My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child... I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.
I introduced my girlfriend to my family today. My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.
A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he’s going deaf
“What are the symptoms?” The doctor asks
“They’re that yellow family that live in Springfield”
I think my entire family is racist.
I was dating an Asian woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family
My wife and kids didn't even want to talk to me.
My dad suffers from short term memory loss... I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
Just found this cool new app that tells you which family members are racist... Its called Facebook
I just found out I'm colour blind
The diagnosis came completely out of the green.
(Courtesy of a family member)
Girls, if a guy...
* Remembers your birthday
* Knows what you enjoy
* Saves your pictures
* Understands your family & friends
This guy is not your man, this guy is Mark Zuckerberg.
I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...
He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.
Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths
and the Bowman family were archers
and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail
People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer. We now live in a one bedroom unit.
When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be "You guys want to see a dead body?"
Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you. We keep it in the family
I think my family is racist I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them and now my wife and kids won't speak to me.
What's the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent? Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.
Some last names originate from what the family did in the past... Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons...
I don't hate my wife's relatives.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
I'm addicted to brake fluid and my family is upset. But it doesn't bother me. I can stop anytime.
My father who comes from a long line of clowns just retired and wants me to continue the family legacy. I've got some big shoes to fill
My 3 favourite things I have 3 favourite things in the world. Eating my family and not using commas :D
I was at a family barbecue yesterday night and my great grandma started giggling. When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”
My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.
I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection. Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One looks at the family tree and the other examines the family bush.
My grandfather with alzheimer died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction. Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
My family couldn't agree on whether to get grandpa buried or cremated... ...so in the end we just let him live.
I was born to an Asian family
But it was rough, the doctors had to perform a C section.
My dad slapped me at birth for not getting an A+ section.
What did the Stormtrooper say to his family before shipping off to Empire basic training? I’ll miss you.
What's the difference between a musician & a park bench? A park bench can support a family of 4
My granddad was surrounded by his family when he died. Such was the manpower needed to hold the pillow over his face.
I think my family are a bunch of racists
I just started dating a black woman and I recently brought her to meet my family.
The kids won't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
My girlfriend and her family all say I'm paranoid. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what they're all saying behind my back, whenever I'm not around.
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up family trees.
A gynecologist looks up bushes.
My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion. As he was dying he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard with him no longer around.
My boss won't stop flirting with me, it's making me feel really uncomfortable. Mainly because we're a family run business.