Family Jokes


Funniest Family Jokes

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

Score: 17302

Why don't hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl? Because you don't turn your back on family.

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Funny Family Jokes
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One day when I was young...... I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.

Score: 10061

Why do people in Alabama not do the reverse cowgirl? Because you never turn your back on family

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I think my family is racist... when I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!

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I froze myself to -273.1°C friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K

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Why don't hillbillies do reverse cowgirl? Because they don't turn their back on family.

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Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family... .. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

Score: 2680

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

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My mum suffers with short term memory loss Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I️ said, “No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine”

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Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber He died last week

surrounded by his family

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I did an family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

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I almost got raped in jail I think my family takes monopoly way too seriously

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Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist. It's called Facebook.

Score: 1163

Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists. I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.

The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

Score: 1145

My friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them... Or because the rest of the family was there... Either way, it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.

Score: 1140

My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

Score: 1009

My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child... I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

Score: 949

I introduced my girlfriend to my family today. My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.

Score: 869

A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he’s going deaf “What are the symptoms?” The doctor asks

“They’re that yellow family that live in Springfield”

Score: 848

My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid. But i can stop any time i want.

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I think my entire family is racist. I was dating an Asian woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family

My wife and kids didn't even want to talk to me.

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My dad suffers from short term memory loss... I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.

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What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)

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Just found this cool new app that tells you which family members are racist... Its called Facebook

Score: 541

I just found out I'm colour blind The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)

Score: 510

Girls, if a guy... * Remembers your birthday
* Knows what you enjoy
* Saves your pictures
* Understands your family & friends

This guy is not your man, this guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

Score: 497

I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back... He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

Score: 493

I was born to an Asian family But it was rough, the doctors had to perform a C section.

My dad slapped me at birth for not getting an A+ section.

Score: 131

My girlfriend's family are quite strict. I remember the first time I went to stay with her at her parent's house, and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. Which is a shame, because he's very attractive.

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Little Timmy asks his friend " Does your family pray before dinner?" His friend replies "No, my mom knows how to cook"

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Why don't they do the reverse cowgirl in Alabama? You don't turn your back on family.

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A married couple were fighting... ...when they drove past a farm full of pigs. The husband then asked his wife, "Family of yours?" The wife looked at the pigs, then replied, "Yea, in-laws."

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What does a tornado and a black family have in common? It only takes one to ruin the neighborhood.

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I was telling my wife about how diabetes runs in my family. She told me, "Don't be silly, nobody runs in your family."

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I think my family might be racist I bought my black girlfriend over to meet them, and my wife wouldn't even talk to her

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Good news everybody! The worlds fattest family have lost 400 lb! ...One of them died.

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So my family and I go past a nursing home... There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"

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New Family Jokes

Why don't people in Alabama do the reverse cowgirl? Because they don't turn their back on family

Score: 6

You should never mess with chinese people Because there a good chance you mess with the Wong family

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Family reunions must be hard in Alabama. All your ex’s together in one place, big yikes.

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Why cant girls from Alabama do reverse cowgirl? Cause you never turn your back on family

Score: 11

People sometime ask me what brought my family to Canada I tell them my dad was just stationed here during the Vietnam war

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So, what's your profession again? "Well", answered the man, "I'm a magician!"

"A Magician? What type of Magician?"

"It's a family business and I do the sawing down!"

"So do you have siblings?"

"Yes, two half brothers"

Score: 16

Growing up, the family next door were all giants. I always looked up to them, but for some reason they always looked down on us.

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Why couldn't a transgender man see his mom and dad after he came out to his family? Because they became transparents

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In Alabama we don’t do reverse cowgirl You don’t turn your back on family

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What's the difference between a teacher at a public shool and a large pizza? The pizza can feed a family of 4.

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One choice I made years ago tore my family apart. I knew I should’ve held my pit bull on the leash.

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I attended many weddings in the past within my extended family. At the reception, the old folks always came to me telling: "You're next! You're next!"

This suddenly stopped after I started doing the same at funeral services.

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I went to a family reunion in Nevada. Turns out what happens in Vegas... Is executable back in Texas.

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I was at a family reunion when my cousin said he got a job as a crime scene cleaner I asked then asked him “what side of the law?”

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How to make clown cry ? Kill his family.

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Why do people from Alabama never try reverse cowgirl They never turn their back on family

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You know why Southerners don’t like reverse cowgirl? You never turn your back on family.

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What do you call a swinger's party in Alabama? A family reunion.

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What song does Trump play while going to a Mexican family's house? Ice Ice, Baby.

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Why don't peoplw from Alabama like reverse cowgirl? You never turn your back on family.

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Did you hear about the family that was so poor... ...that a burglar broke into their home and all he got was practice?

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They don't do reverse cowgirl in Alabama... You never turn your back on family.

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We never do the reverse cowgirl in Alabama We never turn our backs on family.

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You know why they don’t do reverse cowgirl in Alabama? Because they never turn their backs on family

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Every member of my family brings happiness to me. Some when they arrive, and others when they leave.

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Four generations ago, my family left Puerto Rico to come to the mainland in hopes of finding a better life. Though they spoke little English, they learned enough to survive and provide for their families. I just dropped out of Spanish 102.

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A hillbilly girl tells her guy “How about we try reverse cowgirl tonight?” He replies “Hey! You never turn your back on family.”

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Clear and concise writing can mean the difference between "I helped my uncle jack off a horse"... and "I spent my summer working on the family's husbandry ranch."

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A horse walks to a bar, the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse replies, “My alcoholism is destroying my family”.

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I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mum promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I’m going home for the hollandaise.

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Obesity is a disease that runs in the family 'Cause nobody runs in the family

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My proposal for the new state motto of Mississippi was denied. "We're all one big happy family."

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Yesterday, my family asked me if I could speak some Spanish for them I said "No".

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Where do West Virginians go for Blind Dates? Olive Garden..when you're here you're family.

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A man to his friend: Hey man, why are you so fat? Friend: I don't know, it runs in the family I guess.

Man: Man, ain't nobody able to run in your family.

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What do you call a family of jewish people who grow apples Apple Jews

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My family have been doing a collective workout challenge. It was tough at first, very intense. As of this weekend though I can say we've collectively lost 80kg....

...or, Grandad.

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What is the difference between my family and yogurt? Yogurt has culture

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My family told me to stop eating the leftover Thanksgiving food from the fridge. But sadly, I couldn't quit cold turkey.

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In an all out fight between a married couple The wife says: I would be better of marrying the devil instead of you!

The husband replies: no you couldn't. Marriage between family members is not legal!

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My family is talking to me about my meme addiction. They're trying to make me go to REEEEEEEEEhab.

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A physicist insisted on his wife giving birth on a hot air balloon. When his son turned out to be a shame on the family, he told him: "You had so much potential!"

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My addiction to computer gaming started when my family bought a PC in the 90's... I guess that was my Gateway drug.

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TIL a tiger would chase down your vehicle leaving his family behind, but a lion would never do that. Because it would hurt his pride

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Another horse walks into a bar The barman says "why the long face?"

and the horse replies "because my entire family were killed and served to customers in Subway.

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A fat woman is talking to her doctor... Woman: The problem is obesity runs in my family.

Doctor: No the problem is that no one runs in your family.

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Where does a guy from Arkansas go to pick up girls? Family reunions.

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My doctor sang this to me at my birthday "Happy birthday to you. You live in a zoo. You have terminal cancer. Your family'll miss you"

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What's the difference between a classical musician and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of five.

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Trump says he wants to move into the White House... ...why not?
Wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family from their house

Edit: Credit to Snoop Dogg

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Where does a hillbilly go to learn about his family's history?

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A cannibal came late to the family dinner. He was given the cold shoulder.

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What's the difference between a drummer in a rock'n'roll band and an extra large pizza? The extra large pizza can feed a family of four.

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What's the difference between a large pizza and a bass guitarist? A large pizza can feed a family of four!

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The Christians are really taking the Dugger family scandal hard I drove by a Chick-fil-A and the flags were at half-staff...

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After reading, 50 shades of grey, my wife asked to treat her like Anastasia ... so I got the Bolshevik secret police to murder her family and I sold her to a Russian pig farmer.

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Uncle Mike the roofer My Uncle mike is a roofer. I got him to do some work on my house. After he finished I asked him "how much do I owe you?"

He said, "The gutters are gonna be a couple hundred, but since we are family, the shingles are on the house."

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A stormtrooper sits down to have dinner with his family... His son asks him "dad what is this we are eating?"
The stromtrooper replies "Baby wookie steaks. How is it?"
His sons says "It's a little chewy."

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When I was a kid I thought our family's cat looked like Timon from The Lion King so I thought he was a meerkat. Turns out he was just a mere cat.

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I just found out that my geology professor passed away... my sediments go out to his family

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