My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
Why don't hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl? Because you don't turn your back on family.
One day when I was young...... I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.
Why do people in Alabama not do the reverse cowgirl? Because you never turn your back on family
I think my family is racist... when I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!
I froze myself to -273.1°C ..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K
Why don't hillbillies do reverse cowgirl? Because they don't turn their back on family.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family... .. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
My mum suffers with short term memory loss Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I️ said, “No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine”
Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber
He died last week
surrounded by his family
I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
I almost got raped in jail I think my family takes monopoly way too seriously
Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist. It's called Facebook.
Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.
The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
My friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them... Or because the rest of the family was there... Either way, it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.
My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child... I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.
I introduced my girlfriend to my family today. My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.
A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he’s going deaf
“What are the symptoms?” The doctor asks
“They’re that yellow family that live in Springfield”
My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid. But i can stop any time i want.
I think my entire family is racist.
I was dating an Asian woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family
My wife and kids didn't even want to talk to me.
My dad suffers from short term memory loss... I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
Just found this cool new app that tells you which family members are racist... Its called Facebook
I just found out I'm colour blind
The diagnosis came completely out of the green.
(Courtesy of a family member)
Girls, if a guy...
* Remembers your birthday
* Knows what you enjoy
* Saves your pictures
* Understands your family & friends
This guy is not your man, this guy is Mark Zuckerberg.
I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...
He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.
Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
Classic dad joke, but in bad taste
So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(
My girlfriend's family are quite strict. I remember the first time I went to stay with her at her parent's house, and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. Which is a shame, because he's very attractive.
All my family are police officers. Except for my uncle who is a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
My great grandma started giggling at a family BBQ and when I asked what’s funny she said... “Everyone here is alive because I got laid”.
I went on vacation with my girlfriends family - her dad is really religious and said we could not sleep together Which is a shame cuz he's a really attractive man
Why don't they do the reverse cowgirl in Alabama? You don't turn your back on family.
Incest is like a board game It's fun for the whole family!
(OC) Where did the frog say his family came from? "They are German and a tad-Polish"
I was telling my wife about how diabetes runs in my family. She told me, "Don't be silly, nobody runs in your family."
What will you find at a cannibal's family reunion? An anteater
My family and I put my grandma in a retirement home Because we didn't know what to do with her body
Me and my family were planning on going to the theater this weekend. We made calculations and with 20 bucks more we are now going to punta cana for the weekend instead.
Family reunions must be hard in Alabama. All your ex’s together in one place, big yikes.
Why is Rocket City located in Alabama? Because inbreds only poke around in family business.
Why did the Alabama strip club close? They lost too much money from the family discount.
What do you call a family gathering in Alabama An orgy. I know. It’s bad. Get over it.
My friends and family hate me for constantly making food puns. and my wife told me that if I don’t stop she’ll divorce me. I said: sure, it’ll be a piece of cake.
So, what's your profession again?
"Well", answered the man, "I'm a magician!"
"A Magician? What type of Magician?"
"It's a family business and I do the sawing down!"
"So do you have siblings?"
"Yes, two half brothers"
Why couldn't a transgender man see his mom and dad after he came out to his family? Because they became transparents
Hey ladies, you know the difference between me and my couch? The couch can support a family.
One choice I made years ago tore my family apart. I knew I should’ve held my pit bull on the leash.
I was at a family reunion when my cousin said he got a job as a crime scene cleaner I asked then asked him “what side of the law?”
How to make clown cry ? Kill his family.
Bud asks his dad: Why do my 3 brothers have family names while my name is “Bud”? Dad replies: Cause son, the first time I saw you, I told your mom: He’s gonna be Big, Ugly, & Dumb!
Every member of my family brings happiness to me. Some when they arrive, and others when they leave.
Four generations ago, my family left Puerto Rico to come to the mainland in hopes of finding a better life. Though they spoke little English, they learned enough to survive and provide for their families. I just dropped out of Spanish 102.
Guy in West Virginia gets a girlfriend...
He runs to his dad and says, "I just got a new girlfriend and she's a virgin."
The dad says, "If she's not good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
Clear and concise writing can mean the difference between "I helped my uncle jack off a horse"... and "I spent my summer working on the family's husbandry ranch."
A horse walks to a bar, the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse replies, “My alcoholism is destroying my family”.
Obesity is a disease that runs in the family 'Cause nobody runs in the family
I'm devastated that my son has chosen a career in finance rather than taking over the family wheat farm. He's going against the grain.
Where do West Virginians go for Blind Dates? Olive Garden..when you're here you're family.
A man to his friend: Hey man, why are you so fat?
Friend: I don't know, it runs in the family I guess.
Man: Man, ain't nobody able to run in your family.
What do you call a family of jewish people who grow apples Apple Jews
How did the shark know his family was nearby? He smelled blood.
Ice Cube has sure come a long way from the rap world to family-friendly comedies... All the way from "Keep it gangster" to "Keep it down in the back seat"
I met my true love at a family reunion Oh no It wasn’t like that! She was the caterer!
Why couldn't the Medici family diversify their wealth? Because in Renaissance times, stocks were bonds.
I think my family might be racist I bought my black girlfriend over to meet them, and my wife wouldn't even talk to her
How to cure a cough [Soviet Method]
You take laxatives. Then you are too afraid to cough.
This is an old Soviet joke and a family favourite.
What's the same thing as a brothel in Kentucky. A family reunion.
What did the pigeon say to the baker who stopped feeding his family bread in the morning? Coup coup!
What is the difference between my family and yogurt? Yogurt has culture
My family told me to stop eating the leftover Thanksgiving food from the fridge. But sadly, I couldn't quit cold turkey.
So my family and I go past a nursing home... There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"
My family is talking to me about my meme addiction. They're trying to make me go to REEEEEEEEEhab.
I tried to learn more about the tragedy that happened on the mime family But they don't wanna talk about it.
TIL a tiger would chase down your vehicle leaving his family behind, but a lion would never do that. Because it would hurt his pride
Another horse walks into a bar
The barman says "why the long face?"
and the horse replies "because my entire family were killed and served to customers in Subway.
Horse walks into a bar, orders a drink, bartender says, "Why the long face?" Horse answers, "Because my alcoholism is destroying my family".
A fat woman is talking to her doctor...
Woman: The problem is obesity runs in my family.
Doctor: No the problem is that no one runs in your family.
2016 strikes again today as the inventory of the wildly inappropriate innuendo dies. His family is taking is suuuuuuper hard.
How are Trumpies like Walmart? Conceived at a family reunion and crawling with criminals.
A morbidly obese man sees a doctor and tells him that neither his horrid diet nor lack of exercise is the issue
"It just runs in my family" says the man.
"No," says the doctor, "the problem is that nobody runs in your family!"
I went to a family butchershop today I asked them if they'd do mine
What's the difference between a classical musician and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of five.
Trump says he wants to move into the White House...
Wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family from their house
Edit: Credit to Snoop Dogg
Where does a hillbilly go to learn about his family's history? ~~Ancestry.com~~ Incestry.com
Why is there all this hate against necromancers? They are just trying to raise a family in peace.
Why did the watermelon and the honeydew decide to cancel their spontaneous wedding in Las Vegas? They realized with a family like theirs, they really Cantaloupe.
Why doesn't Barbie have a family? Because Ken comes in another box.
Did you know Kim Khardashian's dad was a member of OJ Simpsons legal team? So the whole family has a history of getting black guys off
After reading, 50 shades of grey, my wife asked to treat her like Anastasia ... so I got the Bolshevik secret police to murder her family and I sold her to a Russian pig farmer.
What do you get when you cross the Mafia and the Yakuza? Your entire family murdered.
A stormtrooper sits down to have dinner with his family...
His son asks him "dad what is this we are eating?"
The stromtrooper replies "Baby wookie steaks. How is it?"
His sons says "It's a little chewy."
When I was a kid I thought our family's cat looked like Timon from The Lion King so I thought he was a meerkat. Turns out he was just a mere cat.
Andy Griffith's family are undecided on funeral arrangements. They may cremate, they Mayberry
So I was sitting in divorce court...
and I realized: its a shame a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of rabid wolves.
Yay Jack Handy.
Good news everybody! The worlds fattest family have lost 400 lb! ...One of them died.