My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?" Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."
I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"
My mom answered "Who?"
courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago
My mom used to tuck me in at night... I think she really wanted a girl.
Mom I got a boyfriend!
Daughter: Mom I got a new boyfriend, our neighbour Joe.
Mom: But he could be your father!
Daughter: Age is not that important to me.
Mom: That's not what I was talking about...
I used to be scared of pretty girls, So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing... "My mom is gonna kill me."
I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf...
So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.
And now we wait.
birthday card As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"
What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates? Mom & Dad
They used to be called "Jumpolines" ...until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.
My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything. Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.
A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."
His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."
I told my mom "Make me" She said "I'm not going to make the same mistake twice"
A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!" Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?"
TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday... and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.
When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
For Mother's Day, I bought my mom new beads for her abacus... It’s the little things that count...
A police officer stopped my mom's car.
Officer: First name?
Officer: Last name?
Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?
And my mom hit the accelerator.
A boy is studying for his geography quiz
His mom asks him:
"What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin", says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"You're so smart, Adolf, I know you'll do great on your quiz."
My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
My mom said that if I don't get off the computer and do my homework she'll slam my head into the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfreoiwjr67uiwosi94ckcjfkdald87lakdofasdkfj
Kid asks mom "Mom, what is dark humor?"
Mom: "See that man over there with no arms? Ask him to clap"
Kid: "But mom I'm blind"
Two kids talking.
One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'?
The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party. That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.
I told two twins their matching outfits are cute...
"Did your mom buy you matching clothes?" I asked politely.
To which they answered, "We're not twins and could we see your license and registration please."
My mom embarassed me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer" I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"
A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer. A great mom turns off the mixer first.
I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid, but my mom told me the sky is the limit.
My Dad got a Mercedes for my Mom this Mother's Day. He says it's the best trade he ever made.
I like to tell girls I have my own private jet But I always forget to mention that my mom owns the rest of the jacuzzi
I can't make Casey Anthony jokes. My mom would kill me...
My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom Now my father hates her.
A kid gets home very distressed...
And says to his mom: "mom someone is calling me crazy at school!!!:
And the mom asks him: "who honey? Who is calling you that?"
"The squirrels! Those goddamn squirrels!!!!"
When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.
When my Mom found out I had asthma she sent me to a camp for Asthmatic children. It was so much fun.. singing songs around the Humidifire. ( yes I know how I spelt it )
Today I asked my mom what she did for a living, she replied "I'm a headmaster". To which my dad replied "yeah she is"
A Son To His Mom
Son: Mom , Mom! Does Granny do parkour?
Mom: No , Son.
Son: Ah ,Then she fell from the balcony
The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was,
"Two or three" she said.
I think I get why her and my dad got divorced now..
My girlfriend is a half-Korean Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.
I asked my mom if she ever heard of Pavlov’s dog? She said that rings a bell
My mom and dad were both dwarfs All their lives they struggled to put food on the table
When my mom remarried, life got better, but the Dad Jokes got even worse... He always takes puns one step father.
I am a proud antivax mom of five
All my five kids are healthy and they don't need that poison in their system!
Edit: all four of them are healthy and they don't need that poison in their system!
My mom became a man, and now I can’t see her anymore She’s trans parent
My mom says PETA is like a box of chocolates It kills dogs ..
Mom asked me where I'm taking her to go out to eat for mother's day. I told her, "We already have food in the house".
My mom says I have no sense of direction. I don't know where she's coming from with that.
My dad was Korean and my mom was Mexican Hi, I am Guacamo Lee
If a deaf kid swears in sign language, does his mom wash his hands with soap?
They say if you have to explain a joke then it's not funny. Which is probably why it took me so long to explain to my mom who Amy Schumer was.
I wanted to impress my crush, so i told her about my millionaire dad now she is my mom
My mom always makes the pancakes too thin I shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.
If your mom is 17 and your dad is 18, what does that make you? An accident.
My Mom said to stop drinking soda because it has acid in it. I replied," Stop making such baseless accusations".
He Must Pay
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
You all know the saying Once you go black, you’re a single mom
What did our grandparents do without TV or internet? I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.
My mom said I couldn’t get a frozen yogurt.
She said “do you think I’m made of money?”
Then I said, “isn’t that what mom stands for?”
My mom says that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Her malpractice suit isn't going so well.
Mom says it's just a phase.. ..but I really want to become an electrician.
My mom didn't like my report card. I told her okay.
She said she wanted more A's.
So I told her "okaaaaay".
I bought my mom a fridge as birthday present Her face really lit up when she opened it.
My mom told me never date a soccer player, Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.
What did the baby corn say to mom corn? "Where's popcorn?"
Kid: I played with grandpa today! Mom *angry*: I told you not to dig in the sandbox!
My mom told me I’d never amount to anything, because I procrastinate too much... I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”
My mom yelled at me for telling a black joke. I guess it was too dark for her.
A mom asked her son, "Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?" He stared and replied, "My name's Paul."
I asked my mom to tell me her best joke. She looked me straight in the eyes and said "I'm so glad I didn't get an abortion"
Last night my parents found S&M videos on my laptop.
"What should we do?" My mom asked.
"Well we can't spank him!" My Dad replied.
Mommy, why is daddy bald?
"Its because he thinks a lot sweetheart"
The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked
"is that why you have a lot of hair?"
Letting go of a loved one is hard...
But sometimes it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.
EDIT: RIP MOM
I tried teaching my mom how to build a PC But all it did was make my motherboard
Lisa: Mom don't do the dishes! It's your birthday!
Mom: That's so sweet of you to say Lisa!
Lisa: You can do them tomorrow
I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground ...so I threw my fries on the ground too.
A boy goes to a strip club. His mom gets angry & asks him: Did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see? Boy: Yes, I saw dad!