Mom Jokes

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Funniest Mom Jokes

Funny Mom Jokes

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting. She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?" Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?" My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

My mom used to tuck me in at night... I think she really wanted a girl.

Mom I got a boyfriend! Daughter: Mom I got a new boyfriend, our neighbour Joe.

Mom: But he could be your father!

Daughter: Age is not that important to me.

Mom: That's not what I was talking about...

I used to be scared of pretty girls, So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing... "My mom is gonna kill me."

I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf... So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.

And now we wait.

birthday card As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"

What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates? Mom & Dad

They used to be called "Jumpolines" ...until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.

My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything. Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle." His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

I told my mom "Make me" She said "I'm not going to make the same mistake twice"

A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!" Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?"

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday... and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

For Mother's Day, I bought my mom new beads for her abacus... It’s the little things that count...

A police officer stopped my mom's car. Officer: First name?

Mom: Frida

Officer: Last name?

Mom: Gomam

Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?

And my mom hit the accelerator.

A boy is studying for his geography quiz His mom asks him:

"What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin", says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin."

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin."

"You're so smart, Adolf, I know you'll do great on your quiz."

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

My mom said that if I don't get off the computer and do my homework she'll slam my head into the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfreoiwjr67uiwosi94ckcjfkdald87lakdofasdkfj

Kid asks mom "Mom, what is dark humor?" Mom: "See that man over there with no arms? Ask him to clap"

Kid: "But mom I'm blind"

Mom: "Exactly"

Two kids talking. One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'?
The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party. That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.

I told two twins their matching outfits are cute... "Did your mom buy you matching clothes?" I asked politely.

To which they answered, "We're not twins and could we see your license and registration please."

My mom embarassed me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer" I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"

A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer. A great mom turns off the mixer first.

I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid, but my mom told me the sky is the limit.

My Dad got a Mercedes for my Mom this Mother's Day. He says it's the best trade he ever made.

I like to tell girls I have my own private jet But I always forget to mention that my mom owns the rest of the jacuzzi

I can't make Casey Anthony jokes. My mom would kill me...

My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom Now my father hates her.

A kid gets home very distressed... And says to his mom: "mom someone is calling me crazy at school!!!:
And the mom asks him: "who honey? Who is calling you that?"

"The squirrels! Those goddamn squirrels!!!!"

When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.

When my Mom found out I had asthma she sent me to a camp for Asthmatic children. It was so much fun.. singing songs around the Humidifire. ( yes I know how I spelt it )

Today I asked my mom what she did for a living, she replied "I'm a headmaster". To which my dad replied "yeah she is"

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New Mom Jokes

A Son To His Mom Son: Mom , Mom! Does Granny do parkour?


Mom: No , Son.


Son: Ah ,Then she fell from the balcony

The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was, "Two or three" she said.

I think I get why her and my dad got divorced now..

My girlfriend is a half-Korean Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.

I asked my mom if she ever heard of Pavlov’s dog? She said that rings a bell

My mom and dad were both dwarfs All their lives they struggled to put food on the table

When my mom remarried, life got better, but the Dad Jokes got even worse... He always takes puns one step father.

I am a proud antivax mom of five All my five kids are healthy and they don't need that poison in their system!

Edit: all four of them are healthy and they don't need that poison in their system!

My mom became a man, and now I can’t see her anymore She’s trans parent

My mom says PETA is like a box of chocolates It kills dogs ..

Mom asked me where I'm taking her to go out to eat for mother's day. I told her, "We already have food in the house".

My mom says I have no sense of direction. I don't know where she's coming from with that.

My dad was Korean and my mom was Mexican Hi, I am Guacamo Lee

If a deaf kid swears in sign language, does his mom wash his hands with soap?

They say if you have to explain a joke then it's not funny. Which is probably why it took me so long to explain to my mom who Amy Schumer was.

I wanted to impress my crush, so i told her about my millionaire dad now she is my mom

My mom always makes the pancakes too thin I shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.

If your mom is 17 and your dad is 18, what does that make you? An accident.

My Mom said to stop drinking soda because it has acid in it. I replied," Stop making such baseless accusations".

He Must Pay Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

You all know the saying Once you go black, you’re a single mom

What did our grandparents do without TV or internet? I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.

My mom said I couldn’t get a frozen yogurt. She said “do you think I’m made of money?”
Then I said, “isn’t that what mom stands for?”

My mom says that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Her malpractice suit isn't going so well.

Mom says it's just a phase.. ..but I really want to become an electrician.

My mom didn't like my report card. I told her okay. She said she wanted more A's.

So I told her "okaaaaay".

I bought my mom a fridge as birthday present Her face really lit up when she opened it.

My mom told me never date a soccer player, Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.

What did the baby corn say to mom corn? "Where's popcorn?"

Kid: I played with grandpa today! Mom *angry*: I told you not to dig in the sandbox!

My mom told me I’d never amount to anything, because I procrastinate too much... I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”

My mom yelled at me for telling a black joke. I guess it was too dark for her.

A mom asked her son, "Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?" He stared and replied, "My name's Paul."

I asked my mom to tell me her best joke. She looked me straight in the eyes and said "I'm so glad I didn't get an abortion"

Last night my parents found S&M videos on my laptop. "What should we do?" My mom asked.

"Well we can't spank him!" My Dad replied.

Mommy, why is daddy bald? "Its because he thinks a lot sweetheart"

The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked

"is that why you have a lot of hair?"

Letting go of a loved one is hard... But sometimes it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.
EDIT: RIP MOM

I tried teaching my mom how to build a PC But all it did was make my motherboard

Lisa: Mom don't do the dishes! It's your birthday! Mom: That's so sweet of you to say Lisa!

Lisa: You can do them tomorrow

I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground ...so I threw my fries on the ground too.

A boy goes to a strip club. His mom gets angry & asks him: Did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see? Boy: Yes, I saw dad!

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Long Mom Jokes

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

Dear Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”

“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”

“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”

“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."

Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.

Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."

The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:

"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."

A blonde goes to work in tears.

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

A girl is dared by a boy to climb the school flagpole.

She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets her five bucks.

She tells her mom after school, feeling proud of her accomplishment.

“Oh honey, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her head.

Incensed she returns to school the next day. This time the boy offers her ten dollars to climb the pole. She thinks this is a pretty good racket so she does.

Again after school she tells her mom who is this time a little upset.

“But sweetie remember what I said last time, he’s just trying to see your underwear.”

The girl grins slyly and responds “I know, that’s why I didn’t wear any underwear.”

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping,
I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

The following morning Johnny's teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face.

Teacher: My goodness! Why the swelling?

Johnny: Dad asked me again me if I was sleeping. I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad & mom start moving, mom was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up an making noises.

Then my dad asked my mom, "Are you coming?"

Mom said, "Yes, I'm coming, are you coming too?"

Dad answered "Yes"

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said "Wait for me,
I'm coming too."

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American

She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American." says Kristen

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too." The teacher is now angry.

"That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

Son leaves a note

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing last night and that they aren't very comfortable.

He goes down to the kitchen to find his wife humming happily to herself and dancing around in her apron. Upon seeing her husband, she dances up to him and gives him a loving kiss, and says "go wait in the dining room. Breakfast will be ready soon!"

So he goes and waits in the dining room. The man's son is also sitting there. He quietly asks his son, "Hey, do you know what's up with mom?"

The boy looked up and said, "well dad do you remember coming home drunk last night? You were pretty out of it. You went upstairs and crawled in bed with mom. Well, you were still in your jeans and shirt and mom didn't think that was very comfortable so she decided to help you get undressed for bed. She couldn't though, because every time she tugged on your shirt, you would push her away and yell 'get off me lady! I'm married!'"

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,

your son

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…

Love,

Mom.

My mom dropped this one on me

Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"

I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.

Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."

A boy went up to his father and said, "Your secret is out now dad. It's no use hiding it."

His father's face went pale. He gave the boy $100 and told him to keep quiet about it.

Happy that the trick worked, he then went to his mother and said, "Your secret is out now mom. It's no use hiding it." Just like his dad, his mom was shocked too. She gave the boy $200 and told him to keep quiet about it.

Excited, the boy thought who should he try the trick on next when he saw the postman outside his house. He approached the postman and said, "Your secret is out now mister. It's no use hiding it." The postman, completely shocked, hugged the boy and said, "I am glad you finally know it son."

Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"

A teacher asked her 6th Grade class how many of them were Trump fans...

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Trump fans.


Not really knowing what a Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.


The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Trump fan."


The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Trump?"


Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat."


The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat.


Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat."


Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"


With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Trump fan."

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. 
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. 
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. 
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. 
"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. 
Love You!" 

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. 
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?" 
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. 
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and 
breakfast is on the table waiting for me? 
I should expect a big quarrel with her!" 
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, 
"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"

Teaches asks Jimmy, "What's wrong?"

Jimmy :- Our house is very small. Me, my mom and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Jimmy, are you asleep?'

I say "No" & he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye.

Teacher:- Tonight, when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.

The following morning Jimmy comes back with a severe black eye again.

Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again? Jimmy:- Dad asked me if I was asleep. I shut up & kept dead still. Then my mom and dad started moving at the same time. Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically & squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mom, "Are you coming?" Mom said, "Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?" Dad answered:- Yes.

Well, they don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "Wait for me, I'm coming too".

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos,
tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood
for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the
other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure
for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that
you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things
in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

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