Mom Jokes


Funniest Mom Jokes

Funny Mom Jokes
Score: 13325

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting. She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

Score: 10928

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?" Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

Score: 2493

I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

Score: 2262

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

Score: 1941

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?" My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

Score: 1587

My mom used to tuck me in at night... I think she really wanted a girl.

Score: 1500

Mom I got a boyfriend! Daughter: Mom I got a new boyfriend, our neighbour Joe.

Mom: But he could be your father!

Daughter: Age is not that important to me.

Mom: That's not what I was talking about...

Score: 1445

I used to be scared of pretty girls, So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

Score: 1242

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing... "My mom is gonna kill me."

Score: 940

I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf... So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.

And now we wait.

Score: 843

birthday card As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"

Score: 810

What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates? Mom & Dad

Score: 801

They used to be called "Jumpolines" ...until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.

Score: 795

My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything. Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

Score: 764

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle." His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

Score: 705

I told my mom "Make me" She said "I'm not going to make the same mistake twice"

Score: 641

A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!" Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?"

Score: 616

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday... and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

Score: 593

When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

Score: 498

For Mother's Day, I bought my mom new beads for her abacus... It’s the little things that count...

Score: 482

A police officer stopped my mom's car. Officer: First name?

Mom: Frida

Officer: Last name?

Mom: Gomam

Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?

And my mom hit the accelerator.

Score: 431

A boy is studying for his geography quiz His mom asks him:

"What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin", says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"


"What is the capital of Russia?"


"You're so smart, Adolf, I know you'll do great on your quiz."

Score: 428

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

Score: 404

My mom said that if I don't get off the computer and do my homework she'll slam my head into the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfreoiwjr67uiwosi94ckcjfkdald87lakdofasdkfj

Score: 377

Kid asks mom "Mom, what is dark humor?" Mom: "See that man over there with no arms? Ask him to clap"

Kid: "But mom I'm blind"

Mom: "Exactly"

Score: 352

Two kids talking. One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'?
The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook.

Score: 342

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party. That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.

Score: 298

I told two twins their matching outfits are cute... "Did your mom buy you matching clothes?" I asked politely.

To which they answered, "We're not twins and could we see your license and registration please."

Score: 287

My mom embarassed me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer" I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"

Score: 282

A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer. A great mom turns off the mixer first.

Score: 278

I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid, but my mom told me the sky is the limit.

Score: 261

My Dad got a Mercedes for my Mom this Mother's Day. He says it's the best trade he ever made.

Score: 254

I like to tell girls I have my own private jet But I always forget to mention that my mom owns the rest of the jacuzzi

Score: 250

I can't make Casey Anthony jokes. My mom would kill me...

Score: 245

My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom Now my father hates her.

Score: 245

A kid gets home very distressed... And says to his mom: "mom someone is calling me crazy at school!!!:
And the mom asks him: "who honey? Who is calling you that?"

"The squirrels! Those goddamn squirrels!!!!"

Score: 242

When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.

Score: 233

When my Mom found out I had asthma she sent me to a camp for Asthmatic children. It was so much fun.. singing songs around the Humidifire. ( yes I know how I spelt it )

Score: 216

Today I asked my mom what she did for a living, she replied "I'm a headmaster". To which my dad replied "yeah she is"

Score: 210

Popular Topics

New Mom Jokes

A Son To His Mom Son: Mom , Mom! Does Granny do parkour?

Mom: No , Son.

Son: Ah ,Then she fell from the balcony

Score: 37

The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was, "Two or three" she said.

I think I get why her and my dad got divorced now..

Score: 48

My girlfriend is a half-Korean Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.

Score: 123

I asked my mom if she ever heard of Pavlov’s dog? She said that rings a bell

Score: 186

My mom and dad were both dwarfs All their lives they struggled to put food on the table

Score: 72

When my mom remarried, life got better, but the Dad Jokes got even worse... He always takes puns one step father.

Score: 40

I am a proud antivax mom of five All my five kids are healthy and they don't need that poison in their system!

Edit: all four of them are healthy and they don't need that poison in their system!

Score: 45

My mom became a man, and now I can’t see her anymore She’s trans parent

Score: 32

My mom says PETA is like a box of chocolates It kills dogs ..

Score: 31

Mom asked me where I'm taking her to go out to eat for mother's day. I told her, "We already have food in the house".

Score: 133

My mom says I have no sense of direction. I don't know where she's coming from with that.

Score: 31

My dad was Korean and my mom was Mexican Hi, I am Guacamo Lee

Score: 49

If a deaf kid swears in sign language, does his mom wash his hands with soap?

Score: 92

They say if you have to explain a joke then it's not funny. Which is probably why it took me so long to explain to my mom who Amy Schumer was.

Score: 72

I wanted to impress my crush, so i told her about my millionaire dad now she is my mom

Score: 32

My mom always makes the pancakes too thin I shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.

Score: 50

If your mom is 17 and your dad is 18, what does that make you? An accident.

Score: 54

My Mom said to stop drinking soda because it has acid in it. I replied," Stop making such baseless accusations".

Score: 122

He Must Pay Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

Score: 43

You all know the saying Once you go black, you’re a single mom

Score: 44

What did our grandparents do without TV or internet? I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.

Score: 113

My mom said I couldn’t get a frozen yogurt. She said “do you think I’m made of money?”
Then I said, “isn’t that what mom stands for?”

Score: 122

My mom says that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Her malpractice suit isn't going so well.

Score: 80

Mom says it's just a phase.. ..but I really want to become an electrician.

Score: 32

My mom didn't like my report card. I told her okay. She said she wanted more A's.

So I told her "okaaaaay".

Score: 148

I bought my mom a fridge as birthday present Her face really lit up when she opened it.

Score: 67

My mom told me never date a soccer player, Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.

Score: 33

What did the baby corn say to mom corn? "Where's popcorn?"

Score: 41

Kid: I played with grandpa today! Mom *angry*: I told you not to dig in the sandbox!

Score: 41

My mom told me I’d never amount to anything, because I procrastinate too much... I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”

Score: 65

My mom yelled at me for telling a black joke. I guess it was too dark for her.

Score: 37

A mom asked her son, "Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?" He stared and replied, "My name's Paul."

Score: 132

I asked my mom to tell me her best joke. She looked me straight in the eyes and said "I'm so glad I didn't get an abortion"

Score: 32

Last night my parents found S&M videos on my laptop. "What should we do?" My mom asked.

"Well we can't spank him!" My Dad replied.

Score: 106

Mommy, why is daddy bald? "Its because he thinks a lot sweetheart"

The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked

"is that why you have a lot of hair?"

Score: 49

Letting go of a loved one is hard... But sometimes it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.

Score: 48

I tried teaching my mom how to build a PC But all it did was make my motherboard

Score: 151

Lisa: Mom don't do the dishes! It's your birthday! Mom: That's so sweet of you to say Lisa!

Lisa: You can do them tomorrow

Score: 41

I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground I threw my fries on the ground too.

Score: 189

A boy goes to a strip club. His mom gets angry & asks him: Did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see? Boy: Yes, I saw dad!

Score: 108

Popular Topics