Democrat Jokes

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Funniest Democrat Jokes

Funny Democrat Jokes

Today it was so cold in the morning that.. I saw a democrat with his hand in his own pocket.

People say Bernie Sanders isn’t a Democrat... But what’s more like a Democrat than winning the popular vote and losing an election?

I try to reassure everyone I meet, Republican or Democrat alike - the cost of replacing Trump is actually not that high. It is only 1 Pence.

My grandfather always voted democrat... But now that he is dead, he can vote democrat twice.

What's the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? The election year.

A Democrat walks into a bar He asks the bartender, "What's your most popular drink?"


Bartender replies, "a Russian Collusion".


The Democrat responds "I'll have one of those."


The bartender then gives him an empty glass and says "enjoy."

I sexually identify as half Democrat and half Republican I'm bipartisan

Why is the Democrat nominee for President so old? cos he's been biden his time.

Why is Monica Lewinsky going to vote Republican this year? Last time she tried Democrat it left a bad taste in her mouth.

Why did Monica Lewinsky vote Republican? Because Democrat left a bad taste in her mouth!

What do you call a college democrat with a gun? Triggered.

Q: Why did the Wisconsin democrat cry? A: He couldn't recall.

Did you guys hear about the Alabama senate race? So far the Democrat leads by 8 points. If the lead goes into the 12-14 range, Roy Moore might want to date it.

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.. So we had some drinks. Cool guy. He's going to run in the Democrat Primary because at this point, why not.

I can tell instantly if you are a Democrat or Republican What does WWF stand for?

Hillary was running as Democrat and her campaign really blue over.

What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute? The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

A Democrat, a Republican, and a centrist are riding a boat when an iceberg appears in front of them. The Democrat said, "We should turn left!"

The Republican said, "We should turn right!"

The centrist said, "Let's compromise and go straight!"

The police got all the democrat protesters in California to leave last night They gave them participation awards

I saw Trump's Twitter video wishing the Jews a happy holiday As a Democrat I want to make fun of Trump. As a Jew I want to make fun of myself that Trump's Twitter had to be the one to tell me my people's holiday was today. True story

My life long Republican grandfather voted Democrat for the first time this election. He died 2 years ago. We miss you Pappy.

My Dad voted Republican his entire life. After he died he voted Democrat

Why is Trump so sure that the Coronavirus is a Democrat conspiracy? Because pandemic has dem at the centre of panic.

Did you hear about the commemorative gun they're making in honor of the democrat party and president Obama? It's called the union worker
You'll over pay
It never works
And you can't fire it

A Democrat and a socialist are walking down the street ... A Democrat and a socialist are walking down the street and see a dog licking its nuts.

The Democrat goes, "I wish I could do that"
The socialist goes, "Maybe if you tried petting him first..."

You know what's really great about being a Democrat in Texas on Super Tuesday? No waiting in line. (An hour and a half wait if you were a Republican.)

Someone told me Joe Biden has dementia. Finally, a Democrat that Trump voters can relate to.

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Long Democrat Jokes

A teacher asked her 6th Grade class how many of them were Trump fans...

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Trump fans.


Not really knowing what a Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.


The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Trump fan."


The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Trump?"


Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat."


The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat.


Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat."


Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"


With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Trump fan."

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers of Russia, I seek your wisdom in our country's time of need. How should I lead it to greater prosperity?"

The leaders all turn, looking towards a shorter man towards the front: Joseph Stalin. He steps forward, and says to Putin:

"Here are the two things that you must do. First, gather up all the Democrat politicians and have them shot. Second, paint the outside of the Kremlin blue."

Putin looks back at Stalin, incredulously. "Blue?! Why would I paint the Kremlin blue?"

Stalin cracks a smile, and then howls with laughter. Turning towards the rest of the men, he proudly proclaims, "See? I told you he wouldn't ask about the first one!"

A little boy asks his mother what the difference is between a Democrat and a Republican?

The mother thinks hard and comes up with this explanation for the child.

A Democrat is like that very nice aunt you have that always promises to take you to Disneyland. But something always comes up and you never actually go.

A Republican is like a grumpy uncle. Every time you ask him about Disneyland he says absolutely not, we don't have enough money.

But then later you find out that he went with out you anyway.

- Corey Kahaney

There is a man drowning 100 feet from shore and is crying for help.......

A Democrat shows up and throws him 200 feet of rope. The excess rope weighs the victim down and he drowns.

A Republican shows up and throws out 50 feet of rope and demands that the victim take some responsibility for himself and swim to the rope. He can’t and drowns.

A libertarian shows up and shrugs “it isn’t my problem” and just goes away; the victim drowns.

A bunch of Tea Party types show up. One throws the victim a heavy rock; the victim drowns and all of the tea partiers cheer.

A Green Party member shows up. He yells at the victim for polluting the water. The victim drowns.

The Pope's Alaska Visit

The Pope went on vacation to visit Alaska. He was cruising in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Bernie' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug into the bear's chest. The other men pulled the semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the loggers finished off the bear. The men dragged the grizzly onto the bed of their pick-up truck and tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed "I have heard there was bitter hatred between loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked, "Who was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is our bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get a fresh one?"

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Donald Trump fans......

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Donald Trump fans.

Not really knowing what a Donald Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Donald Trump fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Donald Trump?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat."

The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat.

Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Donald Trump fan."

Disclaimer: I didn't come up with this joke, a friend told it to me. I know it's been floating around for a bit but i haven't seen it on here

Edit: Formatting

On His Deathbed

On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.” said his friend. “For your entire life you’re been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now?” “Because I’d rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.”

Donny is getting worried about his future as President.

He decides to call the world leaders he most admires. He makes a conference call to Putin, Kim Jong-un,and Rodrigo Duterte.

"Guys, next to me, you are the greatest leaders in the world. What can I do to stop from getting impeached?"

There is a lot of talking between them and then Vlad says, "Donny, we know this is very important. We need to discuss it for a while. We will call you back."

A half hour later, Donny's phone rings and its Putin, Kim, and Duterte back on the phone.

Vlad speaks."We've thought it over and decided that there are two things that you must do. First, gather up all the Democrat politicians and have them shot. Second, paint the outside of the White House blue."

\--"Blue?! Why would I paint the White House blue?"

A howl of laughter comes out of the speaker phone. Putin says "See? I told you he wouldn't ask about the first one!"

A Democrat wakes up after being in a year-long coma...

...and immediately calls the doctor over to his hospital bed.

"Doctor, I need to know; who won the election? Was it Sanders? Clinton?"

The doctor shakes her head. "Let me put it this way: there's good news and there's bad news."

"What's the bad news?" the Democrat asks.

"Donald Trump is the President-elect, and has appointed a climate change denier as the head of the EPA, a close friend of Vladimir Putin as Secretary of State, and a billionaire who wants to privatize schools as Secretary of Education. In pretty much every single case, he has chosen the person least qualified to protect whatever they are in charge of."

The Democrat is visibly shaken. "How on earth could there be any good news?"

"Well," the doctor says, "he's also in charge of choosing his own Secret Service detail."

One day at the zoo

One day a man was killing some time at the zoo, and while walking through the large cats exhibit noticed a young child climbing on the fence surrounding the lion. All of a sudden the young child lost his balance and fell inside the cage. The man noticed the lion look over and without thinking jumped the fence, grabbed the young boy, handed him back over the fence to his parents, and then as the lion was running up to him, he instinctively punched the lion in the nose, which caused the lion to back off in surprise long enough for the man to get back out of the enclosure. The child's parents were thanking the man profusely when a woman came running up holding a pad of paper and pen, and said, "I'm a reporter and I just saw what you did, I'd love to have your permission to run this story in tomorrow's paper, how does this headline sound to you: BRAVE DEMOCRAT HEROICALLY SAVES YOUNG CHILD FROM VICIOUS ANIMAL!" The man, says "Of course you can run the story, but I don't think it was anything heroic, just what one person would do for another, and I do have one small correction: I'm actually a republican." The reporter thanks him for his time and after getting a few more details goes on her way.

The next day the man gets a copy of the paper to see the story about him, and on page three sees the headline: "WHITE CIS-HET MALE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"

Trump voters

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Trump voters. Not really knowing what a Trump voter is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Trump voter." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Donald Trump?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat." The teacher asked him why he was a Democrat. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my mom is a Democrat and my Dad is a Democrat, so I am a Democrat." Annoyed by the answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" With a big smile, little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Trump voter."

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows. Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You drink some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You drink some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows. They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat . . .

A Republican sees a man drowning 50 feet from the pier. He throws the man a 25 foot rope, and expects him to swim half way.
A Democrat sees a man drowning 50 feet from the pier. He throws him a 100 foot rope. Then lets of of his end.

The Clinton Democrat and the Idiot

An idiot in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Clinton Democrat.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Trumpist."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are , due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

The difference between Republicans and Democrats:

A Republican sees a man drowning 40 feet from a pier. He throws him a 20-foot rope and expects him to swim half way.
A Democrat sees a man drowning 40 feet from a pier. He throws him an 80-foot rope. And lets go of his end.

A guy walks into a store

He sees three brains on display.

One is a Libertarian Brain, priced at $250.

The second is a Republican Brain, priced at $275.

The third is a Democrat Brain, priced at $5,000,000.

The Guy asks the sales clerk,”Man, why does the Democrat brain cost so much more than the other two?” Clerk replies,”Well, sir, that brain has never been used.

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States . It was pretty simple.

The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating ....

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section?"

And someday she'll vote!

Little Johnny casts his vote

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Trump voters. Not really knowing what an Trump voter is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Trump voter." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Donald Trump?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat." The teacher asked him why he was a Democrat. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my mom is a Democrat and my Dad is a Democrat, so I am a Democrat." Annoyed by the answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Trump voter."

The Democrats

A Democrat politician visited a remote little town in the Appalachians and asked the inhabitants what the Democrat party could do for them.


“We have two big needs,” said the Mayor.. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”


The Democrat whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”


“We have no cellphone reception at all here in these mountains."

Liberal Democrat

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are liberal Democrats too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I’m not a liberal Democrat.”

“Then,” asks the teacher, “what are you?”

“Why, I’m a proud conservative Republican,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a conservative Republican.

“Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican, too.”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

A pause, and a shy smile. “Then,” said Lucy, “I’d be a liberal democrat.”

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