Band Jokes

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Funniest Band Jokes

Funny Band Jokes

If you ask me what my favorite rock band is and I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who. If I was being objective, I'd say it was The Whom.

My band is called 1023MB We haven't gotten a gig yet

I started an emo salsa band We're called Hispanic at the Disco

There's a band called 1023MB. You haven't heard of them because they haven't made it to a gig yet.

We had a band in High School called 1023 Megabytes. We never made it to a gig.

I'm in a band called Missing Cat. You've probably seen our posters.

People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."

I'm really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player. Now every little *ting* is gonna be all right!

There's a band called 1023MB It hasn't had any gigs yet.

Trump: "Let's get that Muslim band going" "Band? We thought you said ban"

Trump: "No way, that's harsh. Also, how's the Mexican mall going?"

We kicked the drummer out if the band because his timing was awful. He was so upset he went to the station and threw himself behind a train.

I started a band call 999 megabytes We haven't got a gig yet.

Trump: "Hows that Mexican mall going?" "Mall? We thought you said wall"

Trump: "No way that's harsh, also hows that Muslim band looking?"

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes.... Where pretty good but we haven't got a gig yet.

My band is called 999 megabytes. We don't have any gigs. lol

I used to be in a band called The Prevention... We were better than the Cure.

I like to sleep with a fan on me at night. It’s why I’m divorcing my wife to join a band

I had my picture taken with the band R.E.M. once... That's me in the corner.

I used to be in a band called "The Hinges" We opened for The Doors

The difference between a rock band and a jazz group The rock band will play 3 chords in front of 1000 people.

The jazz group will play 1000 chords in front of 3 people.

Life is hard in a band Me and the guys started a rock band, we call it 1023MB. But no matter how hard we look we cant find a gig.

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV? Too much sax and violins.

A Rock Band Plays 3 Chords for a 3000 Person Crowd Where as a jazz player will play 3000 chords for a 3 person crowd.

I'm in a band called 1023 Megabytes. We haven't made it to a gig yet.

There is a band called 1023 MB. So far, they haven’t had any gigs yet.

I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'... You've probably seen our posters.

Aerosmith According to fellow band members, Aerosmith's Steven Tyler handles a pen very femininely. Rumour has it he doodles like a lady.

I just formed a grunge band and named it "1023 Megabytes" ... haven't gotten a gig yet though.

Did you hear about the Viagra truck that got robbed last night? They are looking for a band of hardened criminals.

Why is Def leppard the best band to listen to while driving? Because you only need one arm to drum along..

A man asks a bartender: "How late does the band play?" "Only about half a beat behind the drummer." The bartender replies.

I'm in a band called 1023 megabytes... We haven't had a gig yet

Have you heard of the band 999 megabytes? Probably not, they haven't got a gig yet

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network... ...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with the band The Monkees. I thought she was joking... Then I saw her face..

How is a Ska band the opposite of a rhinocerus? Horns in the back

Asshole up front.

Have you heard of the band 1023 Megabytes? They've never had any gigs.

The band The Doors have decided to change their name after the next member dies It's gonna be Three Doors Down.

What do you call a band of killer whales? An orcastra

Popular Topics

New Band Jokes

Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan And Iran, I ran so far away!

Why do people want to defund the Police? I thought that band retired back in '08??

What do a bull and a brass band have in common? You are in for some pain if you try to honk their horns without permission.

I used to be in a band called the radiators... We were a warm up act. Then I joined the duvets. We did mainly covers.

About 15% of millennials like the band Twenty One Pilots... ...that same poll also said 15% of millennials were kissless virgins

I started a band called 999 Megabytes Still haven't gotten a gig yet.

I started a band called “999 Megabytes”... Sadly, we ain’t got no gigs yet...

I started the biggest rock band in the galaxy. We're called the Asteroid Belt.

I was in a punk band in the 80s called Missing Cat. You might remember our flyers

I've started playing the triangle in a reggae band I stand at the back and ting

How come U2 band members still haven't found what they're looking for? Because the streets have no names!

I'm in a band called 1023 MB We haven't had a gig yet

My friend and I were backstage with band U2 and two other people. I said “hey look, I’m here with u2, you two, and you too!”

I like to pick up women at Cover Band concerts. Since I already know they are willing to settle.

I was at a bar once, and the band played "Jump" .. and everyone jumped. Then the band played "Twist and Shout" and everyone twisted and shouted.

Then the band played "Come on Eileen". Poor Eileen!

There's a band called 999 Megabytes They haven't had their first gig yet

What 80's band does the entire world want playing right now? The Cure

I started a band called "Prevention" We are better than The Cure.

The other drummers from band class and I wanted to find out who was the best, so after school we had a 3-way beat off.

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it. Patient: What's the cure? Doctor: It's an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith. But let's try to stay focused.

What do you call a 90s boy band playing long pieces of classical music on a cello? The Bach suite boys

(This is _very_ highbrow so don’t feel stupid if you don’t get it)

I showed my band the lyrics I composed and they said I should be a poet Poet, fireman, accountant, anything but lyricist.

I was attacked by a band of flying nuns. It was a total Cloisterflock.

Who is the most popular band on earth right now? Widespread Panic.

I'm thinking about starting up a neurodivergent, mermaid-themed parody band of AC/DC. It's gonna be called OCD Sea

Did you hear about the band called "1023MB" ? The haven't had any gigs yet

Job Interview : "How do you perform under pressure" I usually have my band with me

What's the most popular band in China? The Wuhan Clan.

I've just got a job as a triangle player in a reggae band I just stand at the back and ting

Did someone lose a roll of 20 dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band? Cause' I found the rubber band

My friends and I started a band called Duvet recently We only do covers.

What do Kobe Bryant and the marshal Tucker band have in common? Their last big hit was fire on the mountain.

I listen to a band named Magma It's pretty underground

(Only percussionists would get this) I play mallets in band class, and so periodically my teacher would see how I was doing. I always pass the vibe check.

I’ll leave now.

The singer from the band Train has zero siblings. Strike that, he has one sole sister

I used to play the triangle in a Reggae band but I left It was just one ting after another

What’s a necrophiliac’s favorite band Coldplay

Did you hear that Mozzarella joined a band? It’s a string band and he shreds on the grateir.

Which band had a hit single with “Jive Talkin’”? A) Gees


B) Gees


C) Gees


D) Gees

I was in a band in the 90's called "Homeopathy" We were a bit like Placebo but not as good.
Once we played at a festival, a bit unsuccessful because most of the crowd left to see the Cure instead.

Popular Topics

Long Band Jokes

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "

The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author"

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

*"It's a date."*

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

*****

Obligatory "thank's for the gold" edit. I'm glad you all enjoyed this joke so much.

Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.

One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"

Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."

"There is no band on this ship."

"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.

"But don't they just fall off?"

"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

Girls night out

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him and they can ride their bikes there.

10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where theyshould meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and if they go late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped accessible and they even had an elevator!

10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. The farmer becomes rich, but still prefers the quiet of his farm, so he returns back to the farm. The horse still goes all over, now that he's been hired as a live musician for several talk shows, but he returns to the farm every so often to check in with the farmer and the farm animals. After a few months, the farmer discovers that a chicken can speak as well, and has a burning desire to play the drums. Despite the obvious punchline, the farmer buys a specialty set of drums for the chicken. The chicken forms a two animal band with the horse, and they tour the country, produce a few CD's, and make the farmer even more money. Soon, more animals, a donkey and a sheep join the band as the singer and the bassist. The chicken, sheep, and donkey are going to their next concert, but the horse flies back to the farm to find the farmer, sadly, dead in his bed. Never having experienced such deep sadness, the horse does what his human companions taught him: he goes to the bar, where he sees a newspaper that says the flight the sheep, donkey, and chicken crashed into the mountains, and none survived. The horse walks up to the bar, tears flowing from his eyes. The bartender looks up at the horse, and says "Why the long face?"

A horse is bored, so he's sitting at home watching MTV

This was back when MTV played music videos. So, he's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

Muslim Band

I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.

They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.

They performed songs like:
"Losing my Head over You",
"Rocket Launcher Man",
"You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".

Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!

Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD.

I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"

Well that was when the trouble started.

Octopuses Garden

An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman.
He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play this” and hands him a guitar.
The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar.
The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano.
The octopus sits down and plays it like never before – Better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever.
Finally, the Scotsman says “Alright, let’s see ya play this then” and hands him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus looks at them and fumbles with it.
Couple more minutes and he’s still struggling and there’s no sound coming out.
Couple more minutes and still nothing so the Scotsman says “Oh, so can you not play it then?”
And the octopus says “Play it? I’m gonna f*ck her when I get her pyjamas off”

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So the horse realizes he is beginning to get good at the guitar. He starts learning his favorite songs, and it gets to the point that his friends encourage him to start playing live. So he starts playing guitar at various clubs, performing covers of The Strokes and Radiohead. His favorite song to cover was Beck's "Loser". Eventually, he got bored of playing alone. He felt limited by his instrument. He recruited his friends to form a band; a chicken that played bass, a pig that played drums, and a cow that sang. Now they had a full band, and they called themselves "The Animals". They began practicing in the horse's garage, and they began writing their own songs. After a couple years playing gigs in the local bars, they meet the Lamb, who had some basic recording equipment. He helps them cut a few demos, and he sends them around to the minor labels. They get picked up by Barnyard Records, and they began recording an album. It gets released, and it becomes popular in the musical underground. However, the Horse began getting cocky. He started drinking, and he began verbally abusing members of the band when they messed up during rehearsals. Eventually, the rest of the band had enough and asked him to leave. Feeling betrayed by his own friends, yet guilty for having caused his own suffering, he heads to the bar to drink his problems away. The horse enters the bar, and the bartender asks "why the long face?"

In line at The Pearly Gates...

are 3 men. The first approaches St. Peter who says,"Tell me, what did you do in life?" The man explains that he was a priest. St. Peter shakes his hand and ushers him to a waiting escort. The second man steps up. The same question is asked and he explains that he was a doctor. Again he receives a simple hand shake and a single escort. The third man steps forward and explains that he was a lawyer. Suddenly Peter gets very excited. A band comes rushing out of the gates playing, followed by a crowd of people who place the lawyer on their shoulders, and carry him away chanting his name and cheering. The priest and the doctor are confused and ask St. Peter,"What is the deal here? We had much more noble lives than that man. Why does he get such special treatment?" St. Peter replies,"We get priests and doctors all the time. That is our first lawyer."

Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made him a very wealthy man.

One day, the farmer's child leaves his guitar outside as his mother calls him for dinner. Curiously, the gang of animals approaches the instrument. The pig picks it up and strums tentatively trying to mimic what he saw the boy doing. He finds that he is a natural and when the farmer hears - he instantly sees the business potential.

So the very next day, the farmer buys a drum-set, bass and another guitar and hands one to each of the animals. The horse himself took a liking to guitar whilst the sheep took the drums, leaving the cow on bass guitar. By sheer narrative convenience, all the animals showed prodigious skill at their respective instruments and became proficient players very quickly. The horse, with his gravelly melancholic voice assumed the role of vocalist.

Their first gig was a roaring success and set them on the road for superstardom. It turned out that the saturated music market had a niche for a band of rock playing animals. Within weeks, they had released their first album and planned on doing a world tour. Tickets at every destination sell out almost instantly.

The first half of their tour was uneventful, however, the horse - not used to the pressures of being a celebrity- began to use alcohol as escapism. He told himself he was in control but the other bandmembers noticed his problem and grew increasingly worried for the horse.

One fateful night, the tourbus loses control on the tarmac and slips off the road into a sharp valley - everybody is killed but the horse. He stumbles out of the wreckage and begins searching for his friends and every corpse he stumbles across breaks him even more.

The funeral was a dull affair and despite their stardom, few people turned up. The horse wept bitterly for his friends who he thought deserved a better farewell. Turning and leaving the procession, he wanders aimlessly into the city.

Day quickly turns into night and a storm approaches. The horse hears the thunder in the distance, but he keeps walking like a man without cause. As the first drop begin to fall, the horse spies the neon lights of a bar which promise a warm refuge away from the rain and more importantly, his grief.

So, the horse walks into the bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

A man catches a goldfish...

The goldfish tells the man:

'Look, I'm going to be straight forward with you. You can let me go right now and receive a wish. But just so you know, I'm not like those other goldfish... I grant only 1 wish, and you better pick wisely, because sometimes, people are better off without their dreams and wishes...'

The man thinks for some time, and decides to go for the safest wish he can think of... To be a prince...
He lets the fish go, and goes to home to sleep...

He wakes up in a giant palace with multiple servants bringing him breakfast to bed and asking him what does he want for desert... He goes to his closet and only the finest, most expensive, clothes there are... After getting dressed, he checks out the main room... There is a classical music band there, preforming any song he wants... Here, he finds his beautiful, lovely wife waiting for him...

She kisses him on the cheek, and whispers gently into his ear...
'Ferdinand, let's go to Sarajevo'

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion...

...and after meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.

The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy?

Twenty-five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

"Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

This horse is sitting at home one day watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

The King's Contest

There was once a King of a faraway land, and he was bored. So we called a contest for all the knights of the land to determine which had the mightiest "weapon".

The knights and their audience gathered in the great hall, and the contest began. The first knight stepped forward, dropped his pants, and attached a 5 pound weight to his "weapon". He struggled... and managed to raise it.

And so the children clapped, the women swooned, and the band played appropriate music.

The next knight stepped forward, dropped his pants, and attached a 10 pound weight to his "weapon". He focussed for a moment... and managed to raise it.

And so the children clapped, the women swooned, and the band played appropriate music.

The contest went long into the night, each challenger seeking to prove their valour; some succeeding, some failing. At last the night draws late, and the King steps forward.

"My knights, you are all brave and valiant warriors... but none of you are my equal." And so he drops his royal trousers, attaches not a 10, not a 20, not a 30, but a massive *50 pound* weight to his "weapon", struggles... and manages to raise it.

And so the children clapped, the women swooned, and the band played 'God Save the Queen'.

Little Timmy and lateral thinking...

In class the teacher asks Timmy "There are five birds perched on a branch. The hunter shoots one. How many are left?"

Timmy: "None madam."

Teacher: "No. Listen. Five birds on a branch, the hunter shoots one...How many are left?"

Timmy: "None madam. The others got scared and flew away."

Teacher: "It's not the correct answer but I like how you think."

The next day Timmy walks to his teacher and asks:

Timmy: "There are three women sitting on a bench, each eating an ice cream cone. One is licking it, one is biting it and one is sucking it. Which one is married?"

The teacher is a little uncomfortable so does not answer right away but pretends to hesitate and says: "The one who...sucks it?"

Timmy: "No. It's the one wearing a wedding band but I like how you think." ;)

The Captains Wife

The crew of a US navy battle ship was back home after many months of being out to sea. To celebrate, the captain of the ship organized a formal ball and the entire crew was there in thier unforms. The big band was playing and the sailors were hitting the bar and drinking hard as they admired the Captains beautiful wife sitting at the head table with the captain himself.

One of the drunken sailors spoke up, "Im gonna ask the capins wife ta dance wit me!" The other sailors just laughed at him as he swaggered on down to the captains table. Sailor says, "Hey Capin, may I dansh wit your wife?" The captain, having been drinking himself, nodded the OK.

Stunned, the other sailors watched as their lowly shipmate and the captains wife engaged in a slow dance. The sailor having been out to sea for several months was very happy to be dancing with this beautiful woman.

After a few minutes of dancing the captains wife speaks up and says, "My, but you smell very nice. What do you have on?" The sailor speaks into her ear and says, " I have a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

A homeless man...

A homeless man was walking down the street. His shoes were so worn out that the soles would flop around when he walked. One day, he was walking down the street when a man in a brand new Maserati and an expensive Italian suit pulled over by him. The man asked for the homeless man to come to him. He pulled out a think wad of $100 bills, and held it out to the homeless man. The homeless man was shocked. The man pulled off the rubber band from the wad, and handed the band to the homeless man and said "Y'know, you could use this to keep your shoes from flopping around everywhere like that."

Pre-Nuptial Agreements

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. "I'll only marry you under three conditions. " she said. "Anything, anything," said the ambassador. "First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement. "Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy! " The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation. "Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France. " The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build! " The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you, if you have a 10 inch tool. "A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut! "

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