Hilarious Golf Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Golf Jokes

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches. Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

Score: 12127

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.

“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”

Score: 1029

Just got scammed out of $15. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

Score: 602

My son wanted me to buy him GTA When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"

He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf

Score: 364

Score: 276

I was just scammed out of 25 dollars. I purchased a dvd titled "Tiger Woods' favorite 18 holes." It turned out to be about golf. Tell others so that they can avoid this scam too!!

Score: 218

I like my women like I like my golf score Mid eighties and with slight handicap.

Score: 193

I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it gets to within 4 inches. Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

Score: 180

I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning. I'm getting rather good at golf

Score: 146

Some guy was yelling at me today, complaining about my driving, saying I shouldn't be allowed on the highway… I'll play golf wherever I want!

Score: 133

I like my women like I like my golf scores In the 80s, with a slight handicap

Score: 132

I like my women like I like my golf game Around 80 and handicapped.

Score: 117

How do you cover 18 holes with one hole? Have your mom sit down on a golf course.

Score: 117

If I die... If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

"Well," says the husband, "I’m in good health, so why not?"

"Would she live in my house?"

"It’s all paid up, so yes."

"Would she drive my car?"

"It’s new, so yes."

"Would she use my golf clubs?"

"No. She’s left-handed."

Score: 115

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course? I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

Score: 101

Why isn't there golf in the Paralympics? Because it would be really awkward asking what their handicap was.

Score: 99

Why do old people like golf? Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole

Score: 96

Husband has 6 months to live Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"

She says she supposes so, eventually.

"Will he sleep in our bed"?

She says of course he will.

"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"

"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."

Score: 85

They always asked me if I play basketball because I was tall. They stopped asking me that when I asked them if they play mini golf.

Score: 85

I like my women like I like my golf game. Mid 80's with a slight handicap

Score: 66

Why do golf commentators speak softly? To not wake the audience.

Score: 59

Why do Catholic priests like golf? Because most of the holes are under 18.

Score: 59

Why do married men love golf so much? Because it's not the same three holes over and over again.

Score: 57

There is only one sport in which I can get a high score. It's golf.

Score: 54

I recently invented a golf ball that automatically goes in the hole if it’s within 6 inches of it. Warning: Do not put the ball in your back pocket.

Score: 54

Why couldn't the computer play golf?... ...Because it had the wrong Driver

Score: 53

A couple walk Into the clubhouse after a round of golf. The pro asks "how was you round?" The husband says "it was good but my wife got stung by a bee". "Where did she get stung?" "Between the first and second hole". The pro says "well her stance was too wide."

Score: 52

A lady runs up to a golf pro giving a lesson ... ... and says "Help! I've just been stung by a bee!". The golf pro asks where. The lady says "Between the first and second holes." The pro says, "Well, I can tell you right now your stance is way too wide."

Score: 50

What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-Spot? A man will spend half an hour looking for a golf ball.

Score: 50

I got in to a gun fight with a mexican at a golf club. I shot a hole in Juan.

Score: 46

What's the difference between a Golf player and skydiver? One goes:

*Whack*, "Darn!"

While the other goes:

"Darn!", *Whack*

PS: Not sure if this was posted before, but i think it's still funny.

Score: 36

What do you call a Russian on a golf course? Vladimir Puttin'

Score: 32

What is good for golf and bad for socks? A hole in one.

Score: 21

My friend, who noticed a bulge in my pocket says "What's that"? I said "Golf ball". He says "Oh man, that must hurt! I had tennis elbow once."

Score: 21

Volkswagon were pretty dumb to name one of their cars 'Golf' Why name a car after a slow and boring sport where the hardest part is driving

Score: 15

What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 100 yards without hitting a tree.

Score: 14

I like my women like I like my golf score Around 80 with a slight handicap

Score: 14

I saw a man pull up..... to a disabled park in a golf buggy. I couldn't help but wonder what his handicap was.

Score: 14

I always carry two pairs of pants to golf Just in case I got a hole in one

Score: 11

What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball? A man will actually search for the golf ball.

Score: 11

New Golf Jokes

I played Frisbee golf today... Or golf-frisbee... Or whatever you call it when you fling a 9 iron into the woods.

Score: 4

I was playing golf with my girlfriend when she got stung by a wasp between the 1st and 2nd hole. I told her that her stance was too wide.

(Credit to u/tooshiftyforyou)

Score: 3

What did Tiger Woods give his mistress? Golf clap

Score: 3

You got gonnorhea from Tiger Woods? *Golf clap.*

Score: 4

Why do middle age men like golf They're good at finishing in few strokes

Score: 5

Why do old people love golf? It’s all about getting the least strokes

Score: 5

Played my first round of golf today. Apparently played a lot like OJ Simpson I’m a natural slicer

Score: 2

I was playing golf paired with a chimney sweep the other day. I said to him "Whats your handicap?" He replied "Central Heating"

Score: 4

I always wear two pairs of shorts whenever I go to play golf Just in case I get a hole-in-one.

Score: 1

Leggs pantyhose and the Richard Pryor estate are hosting a golf tournament. It's called the Pryor Leggs Open.

Score: 4

What did Tiger Woods give his ex-wife before she dumped him? Golf clap.

Score: 1

Tiger woods was being interviewed about his dalliances Reporter: How many women did you sleep with?
Tiger: nine.
Reporter: Wow that half a round of golf?
Tiger: Full round actually, your forgetting about the back nine.

Score: 1

How to golf clubs reproduce? They’re swingers!

Score: 2

My ex GF was like a good game of golf. All holes subpar.

Score: 3

I know my dentist loves golf, but I still hate his approach with that dental drill... "GET IN THE HOLE!!!"

Score: 1

What do you Get when you Swallow a Golf ball? A Colon 1.

Score: 5

A man in a wheechair is playing golf... His caddy walks up and says "Hello sir! What is your handicap?"

Score: 3

I found out why I can’t play well with my new golf clubs. They have a loose nut on the grip. 😜

Score: 1

I heard O J Simpson likes to play golf. I think I can beat him. He's out of practice and I heard he has a terrible slice.

Score: 3

I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife! It was a great trade.

Score: 5

U-boats aren't very good at golf In fact, they're *subpar*.

Score: 3

What did the golf carts nickname the Car who played golf? The Parking

Score: 1

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his golf clubs. The judge looks down at her and asks, "How many times did you hit him?"

The woman replies, "Eh, five..? Six..? Put me down for a five."

Score: 6

I like my women like I like my golf scores in the 80's and with a slight handicap.

Score: 2

The person ahead of us today in mini golf completed the course in 23 strokes. I hope they're okay.

Score: 3

I may not know much about golf but I know how to hold the bat.

Score: 2

What's a german's favorite golf club? The nein iron!

Score: 3

What do you call a dead Mexican at a golf course? A hole in Juan.

Score: 1

What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? a guy will actually search for the golf ball

Score: 3

If you're playing golf but it's getting dark, what club do you use? A Night Club.

Score: 2

Why does a golf player wear two pair of pants? In case he makes a hole in one

Score: 3

In light of Trump’s increasing volume of golf: What’s the difference between Hitler and Trump? It only took Hitler one shot to get out of the bunker he ended up in after succumbing to Russia.

Score: 6

Two South Africans were playing a game of golf Unfortunately, apartheid their game.

Score: 2

What's the difference between a cemetery and a golf course? There's only 18 holes in a golf course.

I thought of this but maybe it's already a thing.
Edit: spelling
Edit: more spelling

Score: 6

Why does the man bring an extra sock to golf? In case he gets a hole in one.

Score: 3

If i could represent my gpa as a sport, it'd be golf... I'm always under par

Score: 1

If you're a tall person and someone asks you if you play basketball Ask them if they play mini golf

Score: 5

Why is the sport named golf? All the other four-letter words were taken.

Score: 3

Tiger Woods hit 18 holes day And still had time to play golf

Score: 2

President Trump Calls His First Trip Abroad a 'Home Run' Now he can jump on his golf cart and run all the bases

Score: 3

My nursing home golf team won again... We had the least amount of strokes!

Score: 9

Why did Susan bring two pairs of pants to her golf game? In case she got a hole in one!

Score: 9

Best part about watching golf Is taking a nap and having people clap and cheer for you

Score: 3

What's the difference between a golf ball and the G-spot? Men will search for the golf ball.

Score: 7

I was working as groundskeeper on a golf course... ...when a lady came up to me and complained of getting stung by a wasp between the first and second holes.

I told her she needed to close her stance a bit.

Score: 3

My grandmother recently had 2 strokes Best golf game of her life

Score: 4

What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball? Guys will actually search for a golf ball.

Score: 8

How can Trump improve both his golf game and presidency? Reduce the number of downhill lies.

Score: 10

Which actress do you bring for a round of miniature golf? Minnie Driver

Score: 3

What's the opposite of Mini Golf? Macro Polo

Score: 5

After my wedding we ate Swiss cheese and played golf. It was a say of holey matrimony.

Score: 2

Donald, we want to install turbines beside your golf courses to harness the incredible power of the wind! What do you think of these concept sketches? "Not a huge fan."

Score: 10

Why is Golf so popular among people like Trump? Because you can still play it when handcuffed.

Score: 1

My wife recently won the Annual Women's Golf Meet in our district Needless to say, I have started calling her the "Intercourse Champion of the County "

Score: 4

What do you call a mini-golf club made of wasp testicles that's covered in Reese's Pieces? A peanut butter bee-nut putter.

Score: 8

What's a russian's favorite golf club? A putin wedge.

Score: 4

I like my women how I like my golf scores... Low 80's with a slight handicapp

Score: 5

I need to stop texting while driving It's really hurting my golf game.

Score: 2

I wore my golf socks today There's a hole in one

Score: 3

What STD Does Tiger Woods have? Golf clap

Score: 5