Golf Jokes

Contents

Funniest Golf Jokes

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches. Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

Score: 12127

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.

“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”

Score: 1029

Just got scammed out of $15. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

Score: 602

My son wanted me to buy him GTA When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"

He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf

Score: 364
Funny Golf Jokes
Score: 276

I was just scammed out of 25 dollars. I purchased a dvd titled "Tiger Woods' favorite 18 holes." It turned out to be about golf. Tell others so that they can avoid this scam too!!

Score: 218

I like my women like I like my golf score Mid eighties and with slight handicap.

Score: 193

I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it gets to within 4 inches. Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

Score: 180

I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning. I'm getting rather good at golf

Score: 146

Some guy was yelling at me today, complaining about my driving, saying I shouldn't be allowed on the highway… I'll play golf wherever I want!

Score: 133

I like my women like I like my golf scores In the 80s, with a slight handicap

Score: 132

I like my women like I like my golf game Around 80 and handicapped.

Score: 117

How do you cover 18 holes with one hole? Have your mom sit down on a golf course.

Score: 117

If I die... If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

"Well," says the husband, "I’m in good health, so why not?"

"Would she live in my house?"

"It’s all paid up, so yes."

"Would she drive my car?"

"It’s new, so yes."

"Would she use my golf clubs?"





"No. She’s left-handed."

Score: 115

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course? I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

Score: 101

Why isn't there golf in the Paralympics? Because it would be really awkward asking what their handicap was.

Score: 99

Why do old people like golf? Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole

Score: 96

Husband has 6 months to live Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"

She says she supposes so, eventually.

"Will he sleep in our bed"?

She says of course he will.

"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"

"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."

Score: 85

They always asked me if I play basketball because I was tall. They stopped asking me that when I asked them if they play mini golf.

Score: 85

I like my women like I like my golf game. Mid 80's with a slight handicap

Score: 66

Why do golf commentators speak softly? To not wake the audience.

Score: 59

Why do Catholic priests like golf? Because most of the holes are under 18.

Score: 59

Why do married men love golf so much? Because it's not the same three holes over and over again.

Score: 57

There is only one sport in which I can get a high score. It's golf.

Score: 54

I recently invented a golf ball that automatically goes in the hole if it’s within 6 inches of it. Warning: Do not put the ball in your back pocket.

Score: 54

Why couldn't the computer play golf?... ...Because it had the wrong Driver

Score: 53

A couple walk Into the clubhouse after a round of golf. The pro asks "how was you round?" The husband says "it was good but my wife got stung by a bee". "Where did she get stung?" "Between the first and second hole". The pro says "well her stance was too wide."

Score: 52

A lady runs up to a golf pro giving a lesson ... ... and says "Help! I've just been stung by a bee!". The golf pro asks where. The lady says "Between the first and second holes." The pro says, "Well, I can tell you right now your stance is way too wide."

Score: 50

What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-Spot? A man will spend half an hour looking for a golf ball.

Score: 50

I got in to a gun fight with a mexican at a golf club. I shot a hole in Juan.

Score: 46

What do you call a Russian on a golf course? Vladimir Puttin'

Score: 32

Why couldn't the golf club get a drink at the bar? Because it would be driving later

Score: 20

I always carry two pairs of pants to golf Just in case I got a hole in one

Score: 11

My nursing home golf team won again... We had the least amount of strokes!

Score: 9

A Hispanic man was shot on a golf course mid-swing The police report simply stated:
"Hole in Juan"

Score: 8

What do you Get when you Swallow a Golf ball? A Colon 1.

Score: 5

Why do middle age men like golf They're good at finishing in few strokes

Score: 5

Why do old people love golf? It’s all about getting the least strokes

Score: 5

What STD Does Tiger Woods have? Golf clap

Score: 5

I played golf with a guy in a wheelchair today He must not play much judging by the silence I was met with when I asked him what his handicap is.

Score: 4

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New Golf Jokes

I tried to get into golf recently but I soon quit because everyone was so mean to me. They kept asking me what my handicap was.

Score: 0

Booty pics and golf are surprisingly similar, in that A hole in one is both rare and satisfying.

Score: 0

What did Tiger Woods give his mistress? Golf clap

Score: 3

You got gonnorhea from Tiger Woods? *Golf clap.*

Score: 4

So I was practicing driving at a golf course the other day… and some security guard had the nerve to tell me that cars aren’t allowed on the green!

Score: 1

I have invented a golf ball that if its at least 3 ft from the hole it will go in. Just dont put them in your back pocket......

Score: 2

What’s green, full of holes, and if it falls on you it can kill you? A golf course

Score: 3

I always wear two pairs of shorts whenever I go to play golf Just in case I get a hole-in-one.

Score: 1

Leggs pantyhose and the Richard Pryor estate are hosting a golf tournament. It's called the Pryor Leggs Open.

Score: 4

What did Tiger Woods give his ex-wife before she dumped him? Golf clap.

Score: 1

Tiger woods was being interviewed about his dalliances Reporter: How many women did you sleep with?
Tiger: nine.
Reporter: Wow that half a round of golf?
Tiger: Full round actually, your forgetting about the back nine.

Score: 1

When do you fix the tire on a golf cart? When there's a hole in one.

Score: 2

My ex GF was like a good game of golf. All holes subpar.

Score: 3

I know my dentist loves golf, but I still hate his approach with that dental drill... "GET IN THE HOLE!!!"

Score: 1

Tiger Woods is the ultimate Athlete. 18 holes a day and he still has time for golf.

Score: 2

Tiger Woods hit 18 holes day And still had time to play golf

Score: 2

Today's Headline: The local golf course has been having a lot of trouble with gangster grass related issues. A patron is quoted as saying... " It's an all out turf war. "

Score: 1

As I was finishing a round of golf during a lightning storm, I was suddenly struck ...by how peaceful my game was with no one else on the course. I should do this more often!

Score: 1

I found a dead girl on the golf course It was a difficult shot, but I was able to chip it over her head and right up onto the green.

Score: 2

Why did the black man go to the golf-club on Sunday afternoon? Because he had a membership.

Score: 3

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