Golf Jokes


Funniest Golf Jokes

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches. Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

Score: 12127

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.

“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”

Score: 1029

Just got scammed out of $15. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

Score: 602

My son wanted me to buy him GTA When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"

He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf

Score: 364
Funny Golf Jokes
Score: 276

I was just scammed out of 25 dollars. I purchased a dvd titled "Tiger Woods' favorite 18 holes." It turned out to be about golf. Tell others so that they can avoid this scam too!!

Score: 218

I like my women like I like my golf score Mid eighties and with slight handicap.

Score: 193

I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it gets to within 4 inches. Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

Score: 180

I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning. I'm getting rather good at golf

Score: 146

Some guy was yelling at me today, complaining about my driving, saying I shouldn't be allowed on the highway… I'll play golf wherever I want!

Score: 133

I like my women like I like my golf scores In the 80s, with a slight handicap

Score: 132

I like my women like I like my golf game Around 80 and handicapped.

Score: 117

How do you cover 18 holes with one hole? Have your mom sit down on a golf course.

Score: 117

If I die... If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

"Well," says the husband, "I’m in good health, so why not?"

"Would she live in my house?"

"It’s all paid up, so yes."

"Would she drive my car?"

"It’s new, so yes."

"Would she use my golf clubs?"

"No. She’s left-handed."

Score: 115

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course? I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

Score: 101

Why isn't there golf in the Paralympics? Because it would be really awkward asking what their handicap was.

Score: 99

Why do old people like golf? Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole

Score: 96

Husband has 6 months to live Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"

She says she supposes so, eventually.

"Will he sleep in our bed"?

She says of course he will.

"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"

"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."

Score: 85

They always asked me if I play basketball because I was tall. They stopped asking me that when I asked them if they play mini golf.

Score: 85

I like my women like I like my golf game. Mid 80's with a slight handicap

Score: 66

Why do golf commentators speak softly? To not wake the audience.

Score: 59

Why do Catholic priests like golf? Because most of the holes are under 18.

Score: 59

Why do married men love golf so much? Because it's not the same three holes over and over again.

Score: 57

There is only one sport in which I can get a high score. It's golf.

Score: 54

I recently invented a golf ball that automatically goes in the hole if it’s within 6 inches of it. Warning: Do not put the ball in your back pocket.

Score: 54

Why couldn't the computer play golf?... ...Because it had the wrong Driver

Score: 53

A couple walk Into the clubhouse after a round of golf. The pro asks "how was you round?" The husband says "it was good but my wife got stung by a bee". "Where did she get stung?" "Between the first and second hole". The pro says "well her stance was too wide."

Score: 52

A lady runs up to a golf pro giving a lesson ... ... and says "Help! I've just been stung by a bee!". The golf pro asks where. The lady says "Between the first and second holes." The pro says, "Well, I can tell you right now your stance is way too wide."

Score: 50

What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-Spot? A man will spend half an hour looking for a golf ball.

Score: 50

I got in to a gun fight with a mexican at a golf club. I shot a hole in Juan.

Score: 46

I always carry two pairs of pants to golf Just in case I got a hole in one

Score: 11

What STD Does Tiger Woods have? Golf clap

Score: 5

If you're a tall person and someone asks you if you play basketball Ask them if they play mini golf

Score: 5

What do you Get when you Swallow a Golf ball? A Colon 1.

Score: 5

Why do old people love golf? It’s all about getting the least strokes

Score: 5

Why do middle age men like golf They're good at finishing in few strokes

Score: 5

Leggs pantyhose and the Richard Pryor estate are hosting a golf tournament. It's called the Pryor Leggs Open.

Score: 4

I was playing golf paired with a chimney sweep the other day. I said to him "Whats your handicap?" He replied "Central Heating"

Score: 4

You got gonnorhea from Tiger Woods? *Golf clap.*

Score: 4

I wore my golf socks today There's a hole in one

Score: 3

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New Golf Jokes

I was playing golf with my girlfriend when she got stung by a wasp between the 1st and 2nd hole. I told her that her stance was too wide.

(Credit to u/tooshiftyforyou)

Score: 3

I tried to get into golf recently but I soon quit because everyone was so mean to me. They kept asking me what my handicap was.

Score: 0

Two guys in home depot start talking One said "I wish there was a stupid store that bro dad's go to to make crappy one hole mini golf courses we could watch them stumble around not knowing anything"
The other said "dude that's lowe"

Score: 1

What did Tiger Woods give his mistress? Golf clap

Score: 3

So I was practicing driving at a golf course the other day… and some security guard had the nerve to tell me that cars aren’t allowed on the green!

Score: 1

Played my first round of golf today. Apparently played a lot like OJ Simpson I’m a natural slicer

Score: 2

I always wear two pairs of shorts whenever I go to play golf Just in case I get a hole-in-one.

Score: 1

What did Tiger Woods give his ex-wife before she dumped him? Golf clap.

Score: 1

Tiger woods was being interviewed about his dalliances Reporter: How many women did you sleep with?
Tiger: nine.
Reporter: Wow that half a round of golf?
Tiger: Full round actually, your forgetting about the back nine.

Score: 1

How to golf clubs reproduce? They’re swingers!

Score: 2

My ex GF was like a good game of golf. All holes subpar.

Score: 3

I know my dentist loves golf, but I still hate his approach with that dental drill... "GET IN THE HOLE!!!"

Score: 1

A man in a wheechair is playing golf... His caddy walks up and says "Hello sir! What is your handicap?"

Score: 3

Tiger Woods hit 18 holes day And still had time to play golf

Score: 2

I need to stop texting while driving It's really hurting my golf game.

Score: 2

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