Animal Jokes

Contents

Funniest Animal Jokes

They found a cat on mars... A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

Funny Animal Jokes

Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors. Because they were Veteran Aryans.

Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?

Cancer. Mary has cancer.

I phoned the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said ", are they moving?"
I replied "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase."

What's the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear.

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks? They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon? A mole

What do you get when you mix human DNA with animal DNA? Kicked out of the zoo.

What's the stupidest animal in the Jungle? A Polar Bear

Girls say I'm an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.

Whats the stupidest animal in the Jungle? the Polar Bear

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones. If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

What kind of animal would Hitler be? Adolfin

I went to a zoo the other day. The only animal they had was a dog It was a shitzu.

[Blonde Joke] Two blondes are walking in the forest and they come across some tracks. They start arguing about what animal they belong to. In the middle of their heated argument they got run over by a train.

I went to a zoo where there was only one animal and it was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

A man walks into a zoo and the only animal there is a dog. It's a shitzu.

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken. Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

What animal has two gray legs and two brown legs? ​

An elephant with diarrhea

I was going to post a really long joke about a mythical fire breathing animal But it'd drag on.

A guy found his dog lying in a puddle of blood behind his house He rang the number for the emergency animal rescue.

'Is it moving?' they asked.

'Yes', he replied. 'It's quite emotional.'

A guy walks into a zoo that only had one animal in it. It was a Shih Tzu.

The first animal to be mechanically milked must have been pumped I know its an old joke, and I'm milking it dry. I just think its dairy funny.

Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter? Because the shelter was non prophet.

Zoology Tip You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

what animal takes up the most land? a groundhog.

Do you know how to distinguish an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

What's the dumbest animal in the jungle? A polar bear

I went to a zoo but the only animal it had was one dog It was a shih tzu

What do you get when you cross a sheep with a porcupine? An animal that knits its own sweaters.

A man goes to the zoo, and the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog... it was a shitzu

I had to throw out my animal crackers. The package said "do not consume if seal is broken"

Credit to my dad :)

A family walks into a zoo and the only animal there is a dog. ...
It was as a Shitzu

If an animal was little, blue and had leaves coming out of it you'd think it's odd But if it was a Pokemon, you'd think it's just Oddish.

What animal has two gray feet and two brown feet? An elephant with diarrhea.

Where animal does Russian milk come from? moscows

What's something a kangaroo has that no other animal has? Baby kangaroos.

How do you bid farewell to a sexually open Arctic animal with a mental disorder. "Bye bye bi bipolar polar bear!"

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New Animal Jokes

There are two types of people I despise in this world... 1) Those who put animal names into words.
2) Hippocrites.

I want to try translating a Finnish joke to English and see if it works. What is the animal that steals license plates?
- A turtle.

Which animal is not faithful in a relationship? Cheetah

I got fired from my job as an animal rights activist All I said was that sometimes it feels like you’re beating a dead horse when you try to get people to donate

What is the only animal with a c*nt halfway up its back? A police horse.

Teacher: Name a native animal Student: Racoon

Teacher: Excellent! Can you name another?

Student: Its mom

What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job? The seal of approval.

A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero. Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.

But they’ll be 0K.

What aquatic animal likes hugs and kisses? A cuddlefish

Why are Nintendo players afraid of the fence? Because it prevents animal crossing.

Horses fall in love faster than any other animal They are always getting hitched

There are 2 things I hate in this world: (1) People who put animal names in words... ...and (2) Hypocrites

What animal is grey and has a trunk? A mouse on vacation

Why doesn’t the fastest land animal get to participate in any sports? Because he’s a cheetah.

Which animal has the softest bite? “Gummy” bears

They should ban all animal related subreddits They're aww-full

What did dinosaurs have that no other animal has? Baby dinosaurs

I honestly don’t understand why the church is so against Harry Potter Nothing guarantees you pre martial virginity more than talking about what animal you patronus would be and what your wand would be made of.

What’s the cleanest animal in the world? The Spotless Hygiena

Which animal has the biggest mood swings? A Bi-polar bear.

A man walks into a zoo and finds out the only animal in it is a dog. The man yells out: "What a shihtzu!"

Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded. There were Rhesus pieces everywhere.

What animal has four legs and one arm? A pit bull on a playground.

Why can’t an animal be both a cow and a bull? They are mootually exclusive. (Sorry)

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a single dog.

It is a shihtzu.

You know what animal scares me the most? A *cari-boo!*

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shih tzu.

My last girlfriend left me at the altar... I guess she just wasn't into animal sacrifice

What's the most feared animal in the Romanian Savannah? Vlad the Impala

My spirit animal is a bull Because, I too, charge head first into red flags

Orphanages are kind of like animal shelters for children Though, I wish my parents would stop introducing me as their "rescue."

Elephants are the ultimate animal for use in espionage Get them into a room and nobody will even acknowledge them

A man and his son walk into a zoo and the only animal is a dog The man looks to his son and says "this is a ShihTzu"

This was in a children’s animal joke book in my school library “Why did the bird fall out of the tree?”
“Because it’s dead”

What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is a big heavy animal the other is a little lighter.

What do you call a white kid who’s also a furry? An animal cracker

What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches? The Deli Llama.

What do elephants have that no other animal has? Baby Elephants.

A man walks into a zoo The only animal there is a dog
It’s a Shih Tzu.

What animal is 80% wool? A woolf.

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Long Animal Jokes

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.
He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."

So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.

"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."

And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits don’t exist.

The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest to the ground, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. That rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in last. They come out a few hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

My son is just starting to use words, and he likes to hold the tv remote to his ear like a phone,...

...and say "Hello." So we'll hold up something to our ears and do the same, as though we were answering his call.

Yesterday I happened to be holding his stuffed animal lamb when he was doing this, so I held the lamb to my ear and responded. I looked over to my wife and said something like "look dear, he's calling me on the lamb-line."

She conceded that that was actually a pretty good one, at least for me.

My rubbish dog joke.

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'

Edit: Thanks for front page, but most importantly, adding to my collection of rubbish animal jokes!

The CIA, GIGN and KGB......

are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The GIGN goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

There are 500 bricks on a plane...

- There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

499

- What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge

- What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge

- The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?

Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.

- Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?

The alligators are all at the birthday party.

- Sally dies anyways. Why?

She got hit in the head by a flying brick

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla comes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."

So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.

"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."

And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster...

and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem"

well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. so, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money, and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ he gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and says, "Shhh. They're getting closer..."


**Well worth the read**

**EDIT**: Since this hit front page I must credit my friend. He text this to me while I was at work and I put it on here. I'm glad you all like it.

(My favorite joke)Who is best at apprehending criminals?

The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming, "Okay, okay! I'm a RABBIT!! I'm a RABBIT!!"

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"

The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"

The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"

The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train.

A man, his dog, and a sheep

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.


After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave-in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had *** for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off how many are left?

499.

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, put an elephant in, close fridge.

What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?

Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.

The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?

The giraffe because he's stuck in the
fridge.

Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely, how?

The alligators are all at the birthday party.

Sally dies anyways. Why?

She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

New Bull

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

Two hunters were walking in the woods...

One of them stops and says, "Whoa, whoa! Watch out for that hole!".

They both stop and look down what appears to be the deepest hole they'd ever seen, right in the ground in front of them.

"How deep is that?", one of them asks the other.

"I dunno, let's throw something down and see".

They spot a rusty old anvil a couple metres from the hole, so drag it closer to the hole and drop it in.

Even after moments, they don't hear the anvil hit the bottom.

Looking at each other in disbelief, they suddenly hear the fast thuds of an animal approaching.

Looking around, they both see a goat run past them at top speed, and dive down the hole.

"Becky! Becky!"

The two hunters see a farmer running out of the bushes and asks, "Have you guys seen a goat anywhere?"

"Yes!", the first hunter replies, "We just saw it jump down that hole!".

"But that's impossible!", the farmer replies, "I had her chained to an anvil!".

A man is walking through the woods when he comes across a suitcase.

Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor...

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."

"Now, what do you think of that?", asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Not OC of course, but I haven't seen this posted here yet.]

Two men are walking through the forest when they stumble upon a large sinkhole.

Guy says, "Woah! This thing looks deep; how deep down do you think it goes?" The two men search around for a long stick or branch to assess the depth, but find nothing of use. They continue their search and they stumble across an old, rusty anvil; and naturally, they haul the anvil over and toss it into the hole. They wait and wait, but they don't hear anything happen. Suddenly, a donkey comes running full speed ahead and just leaps into the sinkhole. The two men are shocked, "Did you see that donkey!? I've never seen an animal sprint like that!" Minutes later, a farmer comes sprinting into the scene and says, "Guys! Have you seen my donkey? He was just on the farm and completely took off!" One of the men answers back, "He was just here! He came sprinting through the woods and took a leap into this sink hole!" The farmer answers back, "No, that's absolutely impossible. He was tied to an anvil."

The Rabbit

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.

50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

A farmer buys a rooster

to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."

Randy opens one eye, glares and nods towards the sky..."Quiet you fool....they're getting closer."

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