Hilarious American Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest American Jokes

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media But every American knows that America is the best country in the world

Score: 19392

What’s the difference between a computer and an American? An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

Score: 18972

If I were American, I'd vote Bernie... But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump

Score: 11629

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online. But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

Score: 9316

I'm an American, and I'm sick of people saying, “America is the stupidest country in the world.” Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

Score: 9194

A drunk German is urinating on a bush An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"

The German says, "Danke!"

Score: 9078

Score: 6495

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue! I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

Score: 6175

Why did Donald Trump marry an immigrant? Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American want to do.

Score: 4261

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media… But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!

Score: 2670

Solar radiation has turned the American flags on the moon pure white... ...so now it looks like France landed there.

Score: 2284

Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax? To stop hispanic attacks.

Score: 1838

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

Score: 1777

TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation Now it looks like the French landed on the moon

Score: 1753

In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends. Thoughts and prayers.

Score: 1707

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd. They've left those kids a loan.

EDIT: Woke up to find THIS :O

Score: 1614

What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls? American girls get stoned BEFORE they commit adultery.

Score: 1529

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag. Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

Score: 1529

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate. Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

Score: 1310

Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister? After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump

Score: 1198

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump? Because orange is the new black.

Score: 935

Which of the American forces is the most patriotic? The Air Force, because its US AF.

Score: 802

An African American woman has 5 son's, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How do you tell them apart? By their last names.

Score: 722

Give a man a gun, he'll rob a bank Teach a man to run a bank, he'll rob the American people.

Score: 620

TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun. Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

Score: 604

The American military should really be worried... Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.

Score: 561

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

Score: 548

Why did the Native American sleep in the hotel lobby? He didn't have a reservation.

Score: 519

I'm American, and I'm fed up of people saying that America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

Score: 507

What is the best way to pick up American girls? With a crane.

Score: 462

Why did Donald Trump marry an Immigrant? Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American wants to do

Score: 312

The German dream The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."

Score: 307

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey" Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

Score: 274

Whats the difference between american women and middle eastern women? American women get stoned before they commit adultery..

Score: 234

What is the national bird of Pakistan? An American drone.

Score: 222

So the American people's choices for President of the United States will most likely be Donald Trump or Hilary Clinton. That's it. That's the joke. There is no punchline.

Score: 168

My husband and I like to role play in bed... He's Donald Trump and I am an American with a pre-existing condition.

Score: 156

What's the National Bird of Pakistan? An American Drone.

Score: 147

TIL the American flag on the moon is now bleached completely white by the sun so historians and/or other species would never know it was America that first landed on the moon They'll think it was France

Score: 143

If you speak two languages you're bilingual, if you speak four languages you're quadrilingual, if you speak one language... you're American.

Score: 137

New American Jokes

American public school is a lot like Vietnam... You're forced to go and you might get shot

Score: 24

Which branch of the military is the most American? The Air Force, because they are US AF.

Score: 13

If you go into the bathroom American, and you leave the bathroom American, what are you when you're in the bathroom? European.

Score: 15

A son asks his father: What do we call a person who speaks two languages? Father: A Bilingual

Son: Then what if a person speaks three languages?

Father: A Trilingual

Son: And what of those who speak only one language?

Father: An American

Score: 43

If you know three or more languages, You are multilingual.
If you know two languages, you are bilingual.
If you know one language, you are American.

Score: 9

What do you get when you cross a Vietnamese person, and an African American? Vinegar.

Score: 16

An American Soldier Meets an Australian Soldier At a Warzone **American soldier:** Did you come here to die?

**Australian soldier:** Nah mate, came 'ere yesterday!

Score: 27

What do you call someone that speaks three languages? What do you call someone that speaks three languages?

Trilingual!

What do you call someone that speaks two languages?

Bilingual!

What do you call someone that speaks one language?

American.

Score: 12

"I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.” Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

Score: 14

I always considered myself a Canadian American in spirit I apologize when I enter an empty room in case the NSA is listening.

Score: 10

I'm surprised there are so many anti-vax politicians in America Because most American politicians don't seem to care if kids get shot.

Score: 83

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead ...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Score: 49

So an American walks into a store in the Midwest and says, I'd like to buy that .50 cal sniper riffle with 4,000 rounds of ammunition and a box of penicillin... The store clerk replies: sorry Sir, I'm going to have to see some paperwork for that penicillin.

Score: 31

I once went to a Native American restaurant but was turned away. They told me it was reservation only.

Score: 120

What do you call an American Bee? A USB.

Score: 35

What did the Native American say when Donald Trump promised to give their land back? "I have my reservations"

Score: 14

American children are very mean In Germany they are Kinder

Score: 10

As a hardworking American I'm proud to finally say I'm a millionaire Unfortunately, nobody in the states is accepting payment with Zimbabwean dollars.

Score: 29

If someone who speaks 3 languages is trilingual, and someone who speaks 2 is bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks only 1? American.

Score: 129

A buffalo hunter hired a Native American guide One day while they were hunting the guide stopped, put his head to the ground and listened, then said "Buffalo Come".

The hunter asked "How can you tell?"

The guide replied, "Ear sticky".

Score: 9

A buffalo hunter and a Native American guide One day when they were hunting the guide stopped, put his ear to the ground and listened, then said "Buffalo come"

The hunter asked "How can you tell"

The guide replied "Ear sticky"

Score: 48

What is it called when you're having second thoughts about booking a room at a Native American casino? A reservation reservation reservation.

Score: 22

What kind of tea did the American colonists like? Liberty

Score: 10

American politicians must be console gamers So many of them rant about being anti-PC

Score: 35

As an American, I'm surprised by how unpopular cream cheese and peanut butter are in the rest of the world... I just thought they would have spread more.

Score: 8

We have this Dutch translation of an American joke Geert Wilders

Score: 35

As an American, it's no wonder I love going to pubs in England Where else will i be able to lose all these pounds drinking?

Score: 35

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.

Score: 34

No Longer PC It's no longer Politically Correct to call someone a "tweaker".

You now call them "Methican American".

Score: 8

Hey did you hear about American healthcare? [removed]

Score: 109

Why did an immigrant marry trump ? Because immigrants do the jobs that no American wants to do

Score: 54

I tried to start a religious social media page called Faithbook... ...but it was deemed offensive by the American Lisp Association.

Score: 22

What's the difference between a Canadian oil mogul and an American one? The Canadian will apologize for destroying the environment.

Score: 8

If you're Russian to the bathroom, but American when you come out, what are when you're inside the bathroom? European.

Score: 9

What's the talent show where the contestants do basically nothing? "American Idle"

Score: 8

Talking about the American Dream in a college class and the prof asks: To a student from Germany, "Is there a Germany Dream?" He responded, "There was, but no one liked it."

Score: 44

What do you get when you combine tragedy and comedy? American politics.

Score: 17

Why do african kids get off school earlier than american kids? they dont need a lunch break

Score: 8

Why does the Native American always get a table at the nicest restaurants? He has a reservation.

Score: 93

My half Native American friend Les tried to teach me to rain dance, but we could only ever muster a light mist... I guess I'm just going to have to make dew with Les.

Score: 16

I told a good drone joke in arabic It went over american's heads, but it killed in the middle east

Score: 66

Whats the only type of Doctor most American's can afford? Dr.Pepper

Score: 34

A person who knows three or more languages... A person who knows three or more languages is called a "polyglot."

A person who knows two languages is called "bilingual."

What do you call a person who only knows one language?

"American."

Score: 45

If you call someone who speaks 2 languages bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks one? American

Score: 8

The "American Dream" was discussed in class the other day... ... the professor turned to the German foreign exchange student and asked if they had anything like that in Germany to which he responded,

"We did, but nobody liked it."

Score: 40

You go to the bathroom Russian. You come out American. What are you while you're in the bathroom? European.

Score: 8

Did you hear about the Native American who tried to break the world's record for drinking tea? They found him dead in his Tee Pee.

Score: 25

Did you hear about that Native American who drank ten cups of tea one night? They found him dead the next day in his teepee

Score: 38

The American Presidential Campaign is a lot like the new Mac. **There is no escape.**

Score: 28

American nuclear response time is around four minutes. But eight minutes if you are using a cigar on a naked intern.

Score: 8

Who lost the American Presidential Debate? America.

Score: 17

As soon as the native american saw snow, he frowned and said I don't like the snow. It's white and it's on my land.

Score: 84

Michael Jackson is the epitome of the American Dream Only in America could a poor, black boy become a rich, white woman

Score: 31

US has serious problem with illegal immigrants. If you don’t believe me ask any Native American.

Score: 19

Why are Native American strippers the best? When they dance they make it rain.

Score: 9

If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you get out. What are you while you're in the bathroom? European!

Score: 12

What's the difference between an American tourist in Mexico and a spanking? A spanking rattles the buns, and an American tourist in Mexico battles the runs

Score: 10

It's not PC to give your wife a black eye You should really be giving her an african american eye

Score: 9

Did you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea? He drown in his tea pee.

Score: 33

Do you know that in some ancient American Indian language the word "vegetarian".... ...the word "vegetarian" means "a very bad hunter" ?

Score: 10