American Jokes

Contents

Funniest American Jokes

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media But every American knows that America is the best country in the world

Score: 19392

What’s the difference between a computer and an American? An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

Score: 18972

If I were American, I'd vote Bernie... But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump

Score: 11629

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online. But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

Score: 9316

I'm an American, and I'm sick of people saying, “America is the stupidest country in the world.” Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

Score: 9194

A drunk German is urinating on a bush An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"

The German says, "Danke!"

Score: 9078
Funny American Jokes
Score: 6495

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue! I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

Score: 6175

Why did Donald Trump marry an immigrant? Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American want to do.

Score: 4261

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media… But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!

Score: 2670

Solar radiation has turned the American flags on the moon pure white... ...so now it looks like France landed there.

Score: 2284

Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax? To stop hispanic attacks.

Score: 1838

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

Score: 1777

TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation Now it looks like the French landed on the moon

Score: 1753

In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends. Thoughts and prayers.

Score: 1707

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd. They've left those kids a loan.

EDIT: Woke up to find THIS :O

Score: 1614

What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls? American girls get stoned BEFORE they commit adultery.

Score: 1529

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag. Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

Score: 1529

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate. Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

Score: 1310

Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister? After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump

Score: 1198

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump? Because orange is the new black.

Score: 935

Which of the American forces is the most patriotic? The Air Force, because its US AF.

Score: 802

An African American woman has 5 son's, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How do you tell them apart? By their last names.

Score: 722

Give a man a gun, he'll rob a bank Teach a man to run a bank, he'll rob the American people.

Score: 620

TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun. Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

Score: 604

The American military should really be worried... Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.

Score: 561

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

Score: 548

Why did the Native American sleep in the hotel lobby? He didn't have a reservation.

Score: 519

I'm American, and I'm fed up of people saying that America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

Score: 507

What is the best way to pick up American girls? With a crane.

Score: 462

My husband and I like to role play in bed... He's Donald Trump and I am an American with a pre-existing condition.

Score: 156

If you speak two languages you're bilingual, if you speak four languages you're quadrilingual, if you speak one language... you're American.

Score: 137

No matter if you are American or European 9/11 is a sad date

Score: 97

What’s the best drink to have on the 4th of July? A White Russian. Nothing is more American then a Russian helping you to make poor choices.

Score: 72

Why did an immigrant marry trump ? Because immigrants do the jobs that no American wants to do

Score: 54

Did you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea? He drown in his tea pee.

Score: 33

I heard that because the moon has no atmosphere... the American flag we planted there has lost its color and is now completely white. We need go up there and change it. Because we don't want anyone thinking the French beat us to the moon.

Score: 31

American public school is a lot like Vietnam... You're forced to go and you might get shot

Score: 24

What do you call someone who can only speak one language? “What do you call a person who can speak two languages?”

“Bilingual.”

“And three languages?”

“Trilingual.”

“What do you call someone who can only speak one language?”

“American.”

Score: 23

US has serious problem with illegal immigrants. If you don’t believe me ask any Native American.

Score: 19

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New American Jokes

An American tourist lands at Baghdad Interational Airport The airport security asks him a series of questions.

Security: "Name?"

Tourist: "Andrew"

Security: "Residency"

Tourist: "Idaho"

Security: "Occupation?"

Tourist: "No No, just visiting"

Score: 2

What do you call an American that goes to India to "find themselves" Gora the explorer

(Gora means white/very light skin tones in Hindi)

Score: 3

Would you shut up man! You clown! The summary of the American presidential debate

Score: 2

The Iranian general that was assassinated last night was planning to attack American diplomats The CIA says he was planning on using Iraqi weapons of mass destruction

Score: 3

What American Football team is Amazon most likely to sponsor? The Packers!

Score: 2

Why don't Polish people like playing American football? They can't defend against a blitz.

Score: 7

Colin Kaepernick took a lot of criticism for kneeling on one knee for the American flag. But LeBron James is taking even more criticism for getting on both knees for China.

Score: 6

Nike and Colin Kaepernick got down on one knee for the American flag. But Nike got down on both knees for the Chinese flag.

Score: 4

North Koreans think they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media But every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

Score: 7

Me to my blonde girlfriend: What two languages would you like to be fluent in? Her: English and American.

Score: 3

What's the difference between a vegetable sitting and a thown American? One is a seated yam and the other is a yeeted sam.

Score: 4

I asked my American friend if he had a moment to discuss his healthcare plan. "I can't afford to"

Score: 2

What do you call a smart American? A tourist

Score: 3

Tinder told me there are 50000 hot american singles in my area This vacation in Iran's gonna duck

Score: 2

American Politics: How to win the 2020 election Cut interest rates to such a low level (negative) that the banks start PAYING YOU interest for your mortgage debt, consumer (credit card) debts and student loan debts.

Score: 2

Which branch of the military is the most American? The Air Force, because they are US AF.

Score: 13

An American and a Chinese man are talking politics American: In America we can openly criticize the president, can you do that in China?

Chinese Man: No, but in China we can openly support the president, can you do that in America?

Score: 5

You're an American when you go into the bathroom, and you are an Amwrican when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European.

Score: 2

What did Michael Jackson say when he found out he had Native American DNA? Cherok-hee-hee!!

Score: 2

What did the Alabama sheriff say about the African-American man found shot six times in the back? "Worst case o' suicide I ever done seen!"

Score: 3

Its easy to spot an American spy, just ask them how tall they are If they answer in feet you have your answer.

Score: 3

How do you get an American to switch to the metric system? Tell them to try measuring their bullets in inches

Score: 2

Did you hear about the Native American who drank too much tea? He drowned in his tea pee

Score: 3

I explained to a girl in my class that I am Indian She responds by saying “wow I’ve never met a Native American before!”....

Score: 3

Did you know that Solar Radiation has turned the American Flags on the Moon White? Great... Now people will think France has been there

Score: 5

I ate an English Muffin today It acted like it was superior to American muffins, it tasted bitter, but everybody told me it was so charming.

Score: 2

My Dad’s step brother Tom is African American I’m not sure what to call him without offending him

Score: 2

What do you call an elderly native American prostitute? Its an old Indian trick,

Score: 2

An African American guy in College ... Asks a white dude:
- Hey man where’s the color printer?
Dude replies:
- Man, it’s 2018, you can use any printer you want!

Score: 8

What is a Native American's favorite food and travel show? No Reservations

Score: 2

Man I wish I was an American police officer. I would kill for a holiday right now

Score: 7

What do you call the single African American in a group of pot smokers? The toking black guy.

Score: 2

So I’ve heard the American flags on the moon are white now because of solar radiation. Does this mean the French own it?

Score: 4

My Linguistics Professor walked up to me and said… “What do you call a person who speaks three languages?

Tri-lingual.

What do you call a person who speaks two languages?

Bi-lingual.

What do you call a person who speaks one language?

American.”

Score: 4

Why was 9/11 one of the worst episodes in American History? It was the pilot

Score: 7

A buffalo hunter hired a Native American guide One day while they were hunting the guide stopped, put his head to the ground and listened, then said "Buffalo Come".

The hunter asked "How can you tell?"

The guide replied, "Ear sticky".

Score: 9

Did you know that your nationality changes when you go to the bathroom? When you go in there, American (or whatever nationality you are)

When you come out of there, American

But when you are in there, European

Score: 5

American politics is like sand It's coarse and gets everywhere.

Score: 6

What do you get when you combine tragedy and comedy? American politics.

Score: 17

Why does the Native American always get the nicest table at a restaurant He was there first

Score: 2

In billiards, how many shots do you get on the black? One.

Unless you're an American policeman.

Score: 2

If you know three languages, you're trilingual. If you know two, you're just bilingual. If you know one... ...you're an American.

Score: 5

Why was 9/11 the worst day in American history? Because on the 9th November Donald Trump was elected president

Score: 2

Why is the American Presidential Election always on a Tuesday? Because Tuesday is choose-day.

Score: 1

A middle eastern man walks into a southeast American bar... and says to the bartender, "Hello, I am Amarrah Kaan."

The bartender says, "No you ain't."

Score: 1

Have you heard of the American Philosophical Association? I'm not sure if it exists or not and neither are they.

Score: 9

This might be a bit rascist: What do you call an African American Houdini? Black Magic

Score: 5

In the Vietnam war, American soldiers would eat small amounts of C4 plastic to get high Does this explosive make you high? C4 yourself

Score: 1

An American SJW takes a trip to the United Kingdom. While standing in line for lunch one day, she hears a man behind her being called, "black."

She quickly turns around and says "no, don't say that. He's African American."

Score: 1

Did you know George III never even bothered to leave his couch during the American Revolution? He was sofa king comfortable.

Score: 3

What do you call it if you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community? That's a reservation reservation reservation.

(Credit to Brian Regan)

Score: 4

American history in 7 words: "...otherwise they would have jumped us first".

Score: 1

American history in 5 words. As the parallel to the thread about Russian history, I would really like to have /u/HannasAnarion to write one about the US, because his summary of Russian history was amazing.

Score: 1

. I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."



Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

Score: 1

What's the American settler's spirit animal? The groundhog.

Score: 9

Ohayō! A Japanese man approaches his American co-worker, whom he knows little about.

Japanese man: Good morning, Chris!

Chris: Good morning, Hiroto!

Hiroto: Chris, I meant to ask you, where in America do you live?

Chris: Ohio.

Hiroto: You already said that.

Score: 2

What's the difference between an American tourist in Mexico and a spanking? A spanking rattles the buns, and an American tourist in Mexico battles the runs

Score: 10

Advice from an old native American hunter: Never go hunting for buffalo with a dull spear, it is pointless.

Score: 19

My two favorite presidents are Jefferson and Lincoln The respective "Hit it and Quit it" of American slavery

Score: 2

Do you know that in some ancient American Indian language the word "vegetarian".... ...the word "vegetarian" means "a very bad hunter" ?

Score: 10

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