American Jokes

Contents

Funniest American Jokes

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media But every American knows that America is the best country in the world

What’s the difference between a computer and an American? An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package... ...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online. But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

A drunk German is urinating on a bush An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"

The German says, "Danke!"

Funny American Jokes

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue! I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

Why did Donald Trump marry an immigrant? Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American want to do.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media… But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!

Solar radiation has turned the American flags on the moon pure white... ...so now it looks like France landed there.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media. When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax? To stop hispanic attacks.

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation Now it looks like the French landed on the moon

In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends. Thoughts and prayers.

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd. They've left those kids a loan.

EDIT: Woke up to find THIS :O

A Muslim guy killed 50 people in a mass shooting… Who says they can't integrate into American culture?

What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls? American girls get stoned BEFORE they commit adultery.

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag. Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate. Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister? After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump? Because orange is the new black.

Which of the American forces is the most patriotic? The Air Force, because its US AF.

An African American woman has 5 son's, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How do you tell them apart? By their last names.

Give a man a gun, he'll rob a bank Teach a man to run a bank, he'll rob the American people.

TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun. Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

The American military should really be worried... Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.

Why did the Native American sleep in the hotel lobby? He didn't have a reservation.

What is the best way to pick up American girls? With a crane.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media. When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine. Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine

I'm American and I hate it when people say that America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

How many american rugby fans does it take to change a lightbulb Both of them

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident. The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."

When the US went to the moon.... ...they planted the American Flag. After all these years the radiation from the Sun will have bleached it completely white, so now if Aliens find it they are going to think the French were there first.

Two of Trump's wives have been immigrants. Which just goes to show you that those people will take jobs that no American wants.

Kim Jong-un of North Korea has said he's going to destroy America So Trump was livid saying "That's MY job, and I'm not going to just stand by and see an Asian snatch away another American job."

Why did Donald Trump marry an Immigrant? Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American wants to do

China has been the most important country for American schools. Because they invented both paper and gunpowder.

The German dream The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."

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New American Jokes

English is not first language want to try joke from my country Why did snoop dog not have a pretty green American yard?

Because he don’t love no hose.

Studies have shown that American youth has already started using the metric system Nowadays you can even find students from various schools in America using 9mm

If you speak 3 languages you're trilingual; if you speak 2 languages you're bilingual If you speak 1 language you're American

Watching American news lately fills me with overwhelming patriotism. Because I'm Canadian.

If you speak three languages you are trilingual, two languages bilingual and if you speak but one language you are... An American

A European tells an American a joke European: Wanna hear a joke?

American: Sure.

European: Free Healthcare

American: I don't get it

European: I know.

A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19. Nobody could control Hispanic.

Wanna hear a sick joke? American healthcare

So the other day I was arrested for pretending I was an American politician! I was just sitting there doing nothing

What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ? Tequila Mockingbird

An American sergeant is talking to an Australian trooper The American yells: "Did you come here to die?!"

The Australian replies: "No, I came here yesterday."

American SWAT teams are like a box of chocolates. They’ll both kill your dog.

If a person can speak two languages they’re bilingual, if they can only speak one... They’re American

What's the difference between anti-vaxx kids, and kids in an American school? One dies from not getting shots.

The other dies from getting shot.

What’s the best drink to have on the 4th of July? A White Russian. Nothing is more American then a Russian helping you to make poor choices.

North Koreans think they are living in the best country in the world because they are brainwashed into thinking so. When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

A son asks his father: What do we call a person who speaks two languages? Father: A Bilingual

Son: Then what if a person speaks three languages?

Father: A Trilingual

Son: And what of those who speak only one language?

Father: An American

How do American school kids learn the metric system? 9 millimeters at a time

News just in that American teachers will now be armed with 9mm Glocks. Librarians will be issued silencers.

What's the most american US military branch? the Air Force. They're USAF.

A Native American tribe are looking for buffalo to hunt. As they travel along, one member puts his ear to the ground for a moment and then says: “Buffalo come.”

The chief asks “How can you tell?”

The man replies “Sticky ear.”

Due to the non existent atmosphere on the moon, the american flag is by now completely white. Great, now everyone thinks the French were the first...

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection. Librarians will be issued silencers.

On meeting Donald Trump, Kim Jon Un says “I will destroy America...” Trump replies, “No way, that’s my job. I won’t have another asian stealing an American job.”

What is the national bird of Pakistan? An american military drone

It's not surprising that the Japanese have adopted so much of American culture. The first American product they tested blew everyone away.

What's the difference between a computer and an American? An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.

What’s more American than owning your own home? Not owning your own home.

The American dream: To buy a shovel for 2$, to then sell it for 4$. Then you buy two shovels, and sell those for 8$. Then one of your rich uncles dies and you inherit 1,000,000$

My dad told me this one

90's American kids will never get this! Social Security.

America's new tax plan raises taxes on coal miners Which is weird. I thought American politicians were rather fond of minors.

An American walks into an Irish pub An Irishman yells, "Oi, Yank! Are you Catholic or are you Protestant?"

"Err... I'm atheist," the tourist says awkwardly.

"Ahh, but which one don't you believe in?"

I'm surprised there are so many anti-vax politicians in America Because most American politicians don't seem to care if kids get shot.

I once went to a Native American restaurant but was turned away. They told me it was reservation only.

What do you call an American Bee? A USB.

A buffalo hunter and a Native American guide One day when they were hunting the guide stopped, put his ear to the ground and listened, then said "Buffalo come"

The hunter asked "How can you tell"

The guide replied "Ear sticky"

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey" Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

What's the National Bird of Pakistan? An American Drone.

What is the national bird of Pakistan? An American drone.

American politicians must be console gamers So many of them rant about being anti-PC

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Long American Jokes

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "

The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author"

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

*"It's a date."*

Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full version. Give my friends lyrics sheets, so they can join in. I want a full backing orchestra. A gospel choir. When we reach the crescendo I want to fire an AR15 into the air, to celebrate our God given rights to bear arms'

It will be done, says the genie

The Japanese guy goes next. 'I love my country too. Nothing represents it better than our wonderful cuisine. Please let me taste one more time, the delicacies of my village. I want fermented sticky soy beans. Fresh sea urchin. Raw horse meat. Pickled seaweed. Sugared omelettes. And please....provide enough so I can share the meal with my friends'

It will be done, says the genie

The Englishman quietly approaches the genie, and whispers in his ear

'Just kill me before the food and that bloody song'

A man and his family walk into a bar...

Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory". The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true. The child asks "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?" The Native American states "eggs." The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years later, when the child returns back with his own family he sees the same native at the bar. Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical "how!" The Native replies "scrambled."

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding

He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”


“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

EDIT: Thank you for the gold!!

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe.

For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, London, and Rome.

After seeing all Europe had to offer, he moved on to explore the rest of the world.
Over the next few months, he rode through the African savannas, the deserts of Egypt, and even made it to the top of Mount Everest.

He was having the time of his life until he reached a small town in China.
Unexpectedly, and out of nowhere, a beautiful Chinese maiden crossed his path, causing him to fly off and crash his motorcycle.
Apologizing, the maiden offered Rick to pay for the repairs and a place to stay while they fixed his bike.
"My name is Yu! It's an honor to meet you!" the beautiful maiden introduced herself to Rick.

It turned out she was the daughter of a rich magistrate, so he spent the night in a small palace in the center of town.
However, due to the scarcity of motorcycle parts, Rick had to spend several days in the palace, in the presence of Yu.
Over the next few days, she took a liking to him and his strange American ways. As expected, Rick took a liking to her, too.

The two quickly became inseparable, but Yu's father did not approve, for Rick was an outsider.
By the time the motorcycle was finally up and running, Rick had fallen madly in love with Yu and refused to leave.
Yu begged her father to let him stay, but instead, the Magistrate had Rick banished from the town. He warned him if he ever came back, he would have him beheaded.

Rick was devastated, he had no motivation to continue on the rest of his journey. It seemed as though there was nothing left for him in the world, if he didn't have his beloved Chinese maiden.


So he did the only thing any other sane guy would do....

*Rick rolled* back into town screaming,

*"I'm never gonna give Yu up!"*

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American

She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American." says Kristen

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too." The teacher is now angry.

"That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sandwich dear?”

Every time he would give the same response, “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a dissapointed look on his face.

His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a bit. So the next day, she makes him his normal lunch, only this time, she makes it with ham and cheese, and on wheat bread. She thought surely he will enjoy this!

The husband enters the kitchen, site down, and takes a bite. His wife then asks “Hows the sandwich dear?”

As always, he replies “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a dissapointed look on his face.

His wife then thinks maybe she needs to offer him more variety. So the next day, she makes him a sandwich, only this time its made with salami, peparoni, and extra veggies and vinegarette dressing. He walks in the kitchen, takes a bite, and the wife asks “Hows the sandwich dear?”

As always, he replies “It tastes fine” and continued eating with a dissapointed look on his face.

The next day, as lunch time is getting ready to roll around, his wife was making him lunch. She was furious at the lack of excitement and enjoyment coming from her husband, so she decides shes going to make him the most unique sandwich hes ever had.

She prepares her itallian bread, only this time she toasts it, and almost burns it. She adds random ingrediants like peanut butter, pepers and onions, strawberry jam, turkey, ham, corned beef, some olives and some various seasonings. She thought “If this doesnt get a new reaction out of him, nothing will!”

The husband walks into the kitchen, takes a seat, and takes a bite of his sandwich. All of a sudden, his eyes widen, and he takes two more bites.

Suddenly, he looks up at his wife with the biggest grin he’s ever had. He chuckled a bit and says “Finally! Something original in this sub!”

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The waiter asks him what he wants, and the Elk
hesitates for a second.

"Locomotive."

The waiter is puzzled. "What?"

"Land Rover."

"Sir, that's not on the menu."

"Lake Michigan."

The waiter is unsure what to say. Frustrated, the Elk brings his leg up on the table to point out what he wants on the menu.

"This is what I want."

"Sir, you don't have any fingers... I can't tell what you're pointing at."

"Just give me the damn spaghetti."

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane...

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat … As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ” Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “” Business. I’m going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America Convention in Boston .”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
” Lecturer,” she responded. ” I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. ” And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained,” one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. ” I’m sorry,” she said, ” I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name…”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

A Texan walks into an Irish pub...

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Lucky Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Lucky has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

​

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

​

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

​

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

A Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20."

A Texan walks into an Irish bar...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, " I am Steph Curry , the best NBA basketball player. The warriors and my millions of fans need me , and i can't afford to die" So he took the 1st pack and left the plane

The 2nd passenger , Donald Trump , said , " I am the newly elected US President , and I am the smartest President in American history , so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger , the Pope , said to the 4th passenger , a 10 year old schoolboy , " My son , I am old and don't have many years left , you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said , " That's okay , Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

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