As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Chocolate is bad
Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Guy: No, minding his own business.
What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use? her/she
A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...
Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.
Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.
Man : By eating chocolate?
Boy : No. By minding his own business.
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”
He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
Kids these days are so stupid They actually believe I've got chocolate in my van
A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar....
Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Kid: No, minding his own business.
Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle? So that it'll fit inside the box.
What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar prefer? Her/She
I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn't good for dogs.
What pronouns should you use with a chocolate bar? Her/she
What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk? Cacao
Did you hear about the Chinese Magican who did magic with Chocolate?
I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.
My Ex-Wife was like a box of chocolate Everyone got a piece
Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts. Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.
Archaeologists recently discovered a tomb When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.
I grew up in a rough part of town... The local youths used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.
Life is like a box of chocolate... ... it doesn't last long for fat people.
I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.
An Affair [OC] I recently had an affair with a jar of chocolate spread ..... If you see my wife, you better Nutella
New machine at the gym
There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.
Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.
Archeologists in Egypt have discovered a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.
What does a box of chocolate and life have in common? They don't last long for fat people.
What pronouns do you use to address a chocolate bar? Her/she
What sound does a chocolate gun make? Cacao!
My friend just told me he has a chocolate lab. Turns out it's a dog, not a place. Bummer.
Exes are like chocolate. They'll kill your dog.
There was a new machine at the gym... After using it for 30 minutes, I felt sick. Maybe I bought too many chocolate bars...
Chocolate mousse isn't my cup of tea... I find it off pudding.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like chocolate. They kill your dog.
BREAKING NEWS! Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate & hazelnuts, and believe it to be Pharoah Rocher.
I always go shoplifting for chocolate bars using slight of hand. I certainly have a few Twix up my sleeve.
What gender pronouns are you supposed to use for chocolate bars? Her/she
Archaeologists have recently found a mummy while excavating a tomb in Egypt Oddly enough, the mummy was covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. They believe it to be the tomb of Pharaoh Rosher.
Today's the day where I get to eat lots and lots of chocolate. Tuesday.
I like my women how I like my chocolate... No nuts.
Friend 1: "I just threw the chocolate that I had planned on eating, in the trash can. Sometimes I think I am retarded"
Friend 2: "Oh! I do that as well"
Friend 1: "Put your chocolate in the trash can?"
Friend 2: "No. Think you are retarded"
A pair of twins were in a cake shop...
They were looking for a birthday cake but just couldn’t decide on a topping.
Twin 1: “I want chocolate”
Twin 2: “I want skittles”
Twin 1: “How about we do Rock Paper Scissors?”
Twin 2: “Why would I want that on my cake?”
I like my women like I like my milk. 2% chocolate.
Hard to really appreciate the joy of Easter when I’ve already been eating chocolate for 27 days straight Happy Easter!
I asked my wife if she would give me a twirl She spun around on the the spot... so i smacked her and took her flakey chocolate bar.
My chocolate egg had special inner foil, and a grand prize inside: on-set passes to the filming of Multiverse of Madness! Thanks for the Strange, gold Kinder!
My dog tried chocolate for the first time today She loved it to death
Back in my days I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and two chocolate bars. But nowadays they have cameras.
A woman walks into a bar with a kid, holding brown paint in one hand, paintbrushes in the other.
The bartender says: "Is that your son? He isn't allowed in here."
The woman says: "I promised I would give him a chocolate bar, so everybody start painting."
What do you do if you get chocolate spread on your girlfriend's clothes? Nutella
Do you know what they call a Chewbacca with chocolate suck to good face? A chocolate chip wookie
My Dad made a joke abput chocolate It wasn’t that funny, i only snickered
What does a chocolate bar do when you tell it a joke? Nothing, it just snickers
You want to be the chocolate to my peanut butter? Cause there may be a million ways to eat a Reece’s, but there is only one right way to eat you.
What do you call a chewbacca with chocolate in his hair? A chocolate chip Wookiee
I really enjoy a nicely deconstructed Black Forrest cake It's fantastic, I just leave out the cream, the chocolate, the sponge and the cherries, allowing me to enjoy the wholesome Kirsch
A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully,
slowly climbed up onto a counter stool.
He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae.
“Crushed nuts?” asked the server.
“No,” he answered.
We had a sick gathering last night. The Roof was on fire! I'm sad to say that grandma's brain tumor isnt getting better and who knew chocolate chip cookies could flare up like that...
I was talking to Mr. T.
"I wanted to make you a dessert," I told him. "But I've given up hope."
He said, "Try fool!"
I said, "No, chocolate mousse, actually."
I heard a joke about chocolate bars But it wasn't that funny so I just snickered.
Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar. I hate Bounty Hunters.
What do you call kinky chocolate? S&M&M
I was at the swimming centre with my son. I said, "Use your legs, come on. Keep kicking. Your arms are doing all the work." His chocolate bar got stuck in the vending machine.
Heard a rumour Cadburys are producing chop suey flavoured chocolate bars. Probably just Chinese Wispas.
My friend asked me how I was doing with my cold turkey withdrawal from chocolate bars I replied, No kinder bueno.
I like my threesomes like I like my coffee... With a shot of milk and chocolate.
Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolate You share it with your whole family.
My girlfriend has hayfever and diabetes I try to cheer her up with flowers and chocolate, but she doesn't appreciate it.
What's the difference between fondu and fondue? The taste of your chocolate.
Today is the Dali Lamas 82nd birthday but he couldn't decide if he wanted a vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry birthday cake... ...so he decided to be made one with everything.
What do they call snickers chocolate bars in the ghetto? Sniggaz.
Chocolate, icecream, cookies, mars bars, doritos, popcorn, milky ways, kit kats and lays! i wrote this joke to reach a wider audience.
What do you call a black guy with Parkinson's? A chocolate shake.
Wanna hear the joke about the Chocolate hazelnut spread?? Nvm... I'm Nutellan you.
How do you confuse a girl? Buy her a pair of chocolate shoes
I recently found an ice cream man dead, covered in sprinkles, chocolate chips and strawberry sauce. He topped himself.
How is playing an online FPS like eating rocky road ice cream? Because at first you're chillin with chocolate and marshmallows and then BAM - nuts in your mouth.
Should you use water or milk for hot chocolate? Some say the choice is clear, but I strongly disagree.
Some joker lost his book logging all of his chocolate-covered English toffee bar purchases. It was a Heath ledger.
Men will be men..
Wife gifted her husband chocolates on chocolate day, roses on rose day...
Husband seriously had high expectations for Women's day today.....
Why did they invent white chocolate? So black babies could get messy too
My girlfriend asked for some of my chocolate "But chocolate isn't good for dogs".
What is Jon Bellions most favourite chocolate bar of all time?
Rolo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, Rolo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo!
"Doc, every time I drink chocolate milk, I get an awful pain in my left eye" "Take the spoon out"
I can take myself to lunch, I can pick myself flowers, I can buy myself chocolate, I can write cute Valentine's to myself, but autofellatio is still just... outta reach
Whats the difference between the chocolate on my table and the kid in my basement? I'm not going to eat the chocolate.
Why did they invent white chocolate? So black kids could get messy too.
What's the difference between chocolate and a dead hooker? You can feed one to your dog
Autopsy confirms George Michael choked on a chocolate bar It was a Careless Whisper
A teacher asks a student a Maths question... 'Okay Jimmy' says the teacher. 'If I have 50 bars of chocolate and someone gives me another 50 bars of chocolate and I eat 40 bars of chocolate what do I have?' 'Diabetes' replies Jimmy.
Chinese people are like chocolate. Both of them will kill your dog.
My ex-girlfriend is like a chocolate She killed my dog
I have a spreadsheet in which I keep count of every chocolate toffee bar. I call it my Heath ledger.
For those who can't eat their vegetables bc of the wheelchair:
There IS a chocolate shake with every one, all you have to do is pull out the straw.
Edit: a word
Archaeologists have discovered a mummy in Egypt encased in chocolate and surrounded by hazelnuts They are calling it "The Pharaoh Rocher"
How do you make a chocolate omelette? With Easter Eggs!
My friends think im a magician when I make chocolate disappear... But little do they know, i'v got a few Twix up my sleeve...
Why did the guy that owned a chocolate building bang his mom? Because he had an edible complex.
"I'd like two scoops of ice cream, please."
"Chocolate or vanilla?"
"Yes, Sir, ice cream man, Sir!"
What's the difference between a chocolate bar, and a cop? One will kill your dog, the other's a chocolate bar.
If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit..... .....join the Euphemism Society.
Trivia: If you stood every single Starbucks employee around the equator... I would totally steal a white chocolate and raspberry muffin.
According to a new study being obese can cut your risk of dementia Or in other words fat people are less likely to forget where the chocolate is kept