“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off
Just a joke lol
Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."
She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I said, "It's me talking to the beer."
I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.
6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
EDIT: Wow RIP inbox, thanks for the love guys.
I love dad jokes
WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
I used to love blowing air at people's faces... ...but I'm just not a fan anymore
REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7 Today is 24/7
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why did you do that dad?
Dad: So you won't get bored there.
Edit: Holy Moley guys! Thanks for getting me on first page! Much love and I promise I'll bring you more good jokes ;)
Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park. It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .
My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
I'm not sure faith can move mountains...
But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers.
EDIT: Thanks for the love. More people have upvoted this post than have died in the attacks.
If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame I love a protagonist with a twisted back story
Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?
Why I oughta...!
Edit: Wow, thanks for all the love. My son is quite the character and he really caught me off guard with this!
When is my wife's favorite day to make love? Tomorrow
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.
"What did you say?" said the farmer.
"You herd me."
I love the smell of my f5 key... It is very refreshing
Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.
He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"
I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...
Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep
"What did you say?" said the farmer
"You herd me" said the sheep
Black people sure love them some boom boxes.
I’m not racist,
That’s just their stereotype.
Why do prostitutes love wearing underwear Because it keeps their ankles warm
I love summer here in Ireland It's my favorite day of the year.
I was dating a tennis player, but then she cheated on me For a while I was at my break point until I realized it wasn’t my fault. Love means nothing to them.
Don’t ever get into a romantic relationship with a tennis player... Love means nothing to them.
Why do married men love golf so much? Because it's not the same three holes over and over again.
Why do astronomers love Game of Thrones? Because of its dwarf star.
A girl walks up to her mom
“Mom, I’m in love with our neighbor”
Her mom looked back at her in shock “But he could be your father!”
“Age doesn’t matter, love is love”
“I don’t think you understand”
A guy is having a drink with his wife.....
A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me….. talking to the beer.”
Study what you love and you'll never work a day in your life. Because nobody is hiring in your field.
Why do old people love golf? It’s all about getting the least strokes
What do you get if you cross a financial adviser with a Richard Curtis movie? Love Actuary.
NEVER, I REPEAT NEVER MARRY A TENNIS PLAYER! Love means nothing to them
Im never dating a tennis player again. Love means nothing to them.
I always thought that once you find true love, no-one in this world can stop you from getting close to your desire. But those guards at the Jewelry exhibition think differently.
Pirates have trouble finding love because A large booty in a large chest is extremely rare from a physiological standpoint
I love jokes about boxing There’s always a punchline
I saw a 4 year girl crying, all alone.
“Are you ok?” I asked her. “Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?”
“No” she sobbed.
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage.
Man I love jerking off with a dead arm. It feels so good! At least it did, until everybody said I was "ruining the funeral"
Have you seen that new film, Every Year I Love You More? Featuring Michael Jackson and Benjamin Button
Confucius say - To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
That tingly little feeling that you get when you think you are in love... That’s your common sense leaving your body!
How does an incel prepare for love?
On one hand, they don't.
With the other hand they do.
Why do jazz musicians love Korea? Because it's got Seoul.
Id love to get mad at my baby goat when she headbutts. But you cant blame her. Shes just a kid.
Cupid would be a more believable character... ...if the people he shot rushed into marriage rather than fell in love
TIL That due to recent advancements with AI two computers identified themselves as mates, and even went as far as to set up a Romeo and Juliette style suicide pact... They say they were so in love they finished each others sentiences.
What did Julius Caesar say after he made love to his wife Veni
I love my women like I love my tea. I pull out after three minutes.
If you are a 90s kid-you say “I love my gaming system!” Your friend says “Then why don’t you marry it?” You say “Super! I will!” What day is this scenario most likely to occur? WEDNESDAY
I found this great charity that I can donate all my brined salmon to! Lox of Love
I made love to my wife for an hour and 15 minutes last night Thanks, daylight savings time!!
I love long road trips with music.. ..Until the acid wear off and i realize i'm in an ambulance with the siren on.
Apparently my printer is really into music... He seems to love the Paper jam.
Why do white boys love dating black girls Because they don't have to worry about meeting her father
What does Activision and a Dairy worker have in common? They both love milking.
Don't you just love a late night snack?... Apparently the guy next door doesn't cause he called the police when he found me in the pantry.
What does a woman not want to hear when making love? Honey I'm home
I dated a girl in a wheel chair once.
it was a tough relationship tho. Have you ever heard the saying "If you love her then let her go, and if she comes back then it was meant to be"?
Well don't let her go on a hill by a lake, cause she don't come back
My dad's Christian and my mom's jewish and they LOVE recycling... But it's a little awkward for both me and my grandad on ash wednesday. Sadly he didn't survive the holocaust.
Making love to a woman is like a Ram playing a violin... He may not be very good at it, but it's still better than ewe
What language do pirates prefer programming in? You might think they enjoy R but their true love is the C
You gotta love the baby boomers though, they gave us housing To look at
I told the girl I fancy next door I helped kill a man I was told women love accessories.
If the Bald Eagle is the symbol of freedom and the Dove is the symbol of peace, what bird is the symbol of love? The swallow.
It makes sense that Trump is into golden showers Republicans love trickle down economics
Do you know why I love working out? Because I always feel like a weight has been lifted.
Why do french people love eating snails? Because they hate fast food
People ask how I'm so prepared for Christmas It's easy I had all presents wrapped and hidden in the attic since August, my girlfriend is going to love her new puppy
Thanksgiving is here, and I love trigonometry sorry, I went off on a tangent.
Boy: My love for you is like counting the stars..
Girl: Oww, Infinite?
Boy: Nope, Pointless ..
I don't know what to do when someone yells stop Is it hammer time? Is it in the name of love? Do I collaborate and listen?
Sitting next to my wife today, I said "I love you",
She replied "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I answered "It's me... Talking to the beer"
I'm allowed to make racist jokes because my Mother in Law is Korean And she love me long time
Two melons have a secret love affair...
One melon says to the other, "baby, I love you so much. I just wanna sneak away and get married right now."
The other responds, "no, we cantaloupe."
I've always wanted to own a funeral home.... With the slogan, "We love it when business is dead."
Why do cannibals love eating people with epilepsy? Because their favorite side dish is Seizure Salad.
My girlfriend's father is pretty religious and said we couldn't make love... which is rather disappointing because he's extremely handsome.
I took a Scottish girl to the countryside.
"Hello view!" she said, looking out the window of our rented house.
I said, "I love you too..."
Why do blck men cry when they make love to white women? Mace...
I love puppies and kittens and little cute hamsters But not all together. I don't like my food touching.
I was shocked to find out that the woman I love was a one-night-stand type of girl. So I went to the furniture store and got her another one.
I love that tower in France I hear it's an eye full
Got a free haircut and handjob from my barber today. Gotta love cutting your own hair.
I met the love of my life through an online dating site Too bad my wife found out
An eel tried to propose to an eagle...
the eel asks the eagle
"We may look different but I think I love you. Will you marry me?"
"I'm sorry but I can't" says the eagle.
"Why not?" asks the eel.
The eagle replies with "Because that would be eel-eagle"
BAD MATH JOKE TIME.
For pi day, my friend was selling pies as a fundraiser, so because I love pie, I decided to buy two.
I went from 0 to 2π.
I went absolutely nowhere.
A programmer gets home one day...
...and finds his wife crying. "Ever since we got married you've avoided this question. Now I want an answer: Do you really love me or did you just marry me so you won't be alone?"
So he replies: "Yes".
What grows when you squeeze it, explodes if you rub it too hard, and children love it? A balloon animal!
Anyone know a good joke about cigarettes and ethics?
I'm doing a presentation about the subject and I would love to throw in some humor, but I can't think of anything that is quick and simple. Any jokes you can loan me? =P
Thanks for reading/posting.