“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off
Just a joke lol
Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."
She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I said, "It's me talking to the beer."
I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.
6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
EDIT: Wow RIP inbox, thanks for the love guys.
I love dad jokes
WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
I used to love blowing air at people's faces... ...but I'm just not a fan anymore
REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7 Today is 24/7
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why did you do that dad?
Dad: So you won't get bored there.
Edit: Holy Moley guys! Thanks for getting me on first page! Much love and I promise I'll bring you more good jokes ;)
Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park. It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .
My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
I'm not sure faith can move mountains...
But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers.
EDIT: Thanks for the love. More people have upvoted this post than have died in the attacks.
If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame I love a protagonist with a twisted back story
Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?
Why I oughta...!
Edit: Wow, thanks for all the love. My son is quite the character and he really caught me off guard with this!
When is my wife's favorite day to make love? Tomorrow
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.
"What did you say?" said the farmer.
"You herd me."
I love the smell of my f5 key... It is very refreshing
Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.
He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"
I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...
Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep
"What did you say?" said the farmer
"You herd me" said the sheep
I love the smell of my F5 key... It's just so refreshing!
At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.
I love the way Pitbull says "Mr.World Wide" at the start of a song. Because it gives me time to change the station.
My blonde girlfriend froze In the middle of love making so I gave her an interrogative facial expression. " oh..I saw this on youporn" she said," they call it bufferring".
"I looked up into the sky and matched each star with a reason why I love you."
"That's so sweet."
"Not particularly. It was daytime."
A girl from Alabama asked me if I found her attractive. I said, "You've got a face only a brother could love."
What does love mean to a tennis player? Nothing
I love u it's my favourite vowel
I love Taco Bell so much that I even enjoy being *asked* what style of tacos I want... I get hard every time.
[OC] My friend recently taught his dog how to say "I love you" I'm still trying to teach my dad.
Today I finally said “I love you” to my cake. It burst into tiers.
I love jokes about dead babies They never get old
Why do old people love golf? It’s all about getting the least strokes
What do you get if you cross a financial adviser with a Richard Curtis movie? Love Actuary.
NEVER, I REPEAT NEVER MARRY A TENNIS PLAYER! Love means nothing to them
I always thought that once you find true love, no-one in this world can stop you from getting close to your desire. But those guards at the Jewelry exhibition think differently.
Pirates have trouble finding love because A large booty in a large chest is extremely rare from a physiological standpoint
Why do jewish people love breaking their fast with sweet potatoes? So that they can properly celebrate Yam kippur.
A date told me she'd love to have visited the Soviet Union at it's greatest. I got out of there real quick. It was clearly a big red flag.
I saw a 4 year girl crying, all alone.
“Are you ok?” I asked her. “Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?”
“No” she sobbed.
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage.
Man I love jerking off with a dead arm. It feels so good! At least it did, until everybody said I was "ruining the funeral"
Have you seen that new film, Every Year I Love You More? Featuring Michael Jackson and Benjamin Button
That tingly little feeling that you get when you think you are in love... That’s your common sense leaving your body!
Cupid would be a more believable character... ...if the people he shot rushed into marriage rather than fell in love
Don't you just love a late night snack?... Apparently the guy next door doesn't cause he called the police when he found me in the pantry.
Why I love working out at the gym I go to!
There's this hot MILF always walking around checking me out.
I love home gyms.
What does a woman not want to hear when making love? Honey I'm home
My dad's Christian and my mom's jewish and they LOVE recycling... But it's a little awkward for both me and my grandad on ash wednesday. Sadly he didn't survive the holocaust.
Would love to find a women who looks good in camo. I've never seen one.
I just made love for over 1hr straight
1 hour and 22 seconds is my new record.
Thanks daylight savings time!
I told the girl I fancy next door I helped kill a man I was told women love accessories.
Study what you love and you'll never work a day in your life. Because nobody is hiring in your field.
I secretly love men from Scotland... It's my kilty pleasure.
A wise man once told me that you should love with your heart and use your head for everything else He died of a concussion
It makes sense that Trump is into golden showers Republicans love trickle down economics
I love you my friends and that's not just the beer talking. It's from the bottom of my bottle of wine too.
Do you know why I love working out? Because I always feel like a weight has been lifted.
People ask how I'm so prepared for Christmas It's easy I had all presents wrapped and hidden in the attic since August, my girlfriend is going to love her new puppy
Today I saw two dogs make hot streamy love on the roadside. It's really hurtful to see your ex moving on so quickly.
Sitting next to my wife today, I said "I love you",
She replied "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I answered "It's me... Talking to the beer"
Love it how music can take you to another place . For example, One direction is playing in this restaurant so i'm going to a different one.
Why do muslims love classical music? It has lots of violins
Why does the US love Israel so much? Because is a raeli good country
You know why i love hiking? It is all about the in tents action.
There is one rule to Tennis Love means nothing
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make when they fly over my head.
Courtney Love could snap me like a twig Or she could kill me and make it look like suicide
Not a fan of APA MLA, however, was love at first cite.
Why did the young Mexican solve the problem so easily?
It was a no buena
My girlfriend is Mexican so I love Mexican jokes. Let me know if you have one!
You may think that a pirate's favorite letter is R But they actually love the C.
Marriage jokes A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’ Her husband replies, ‘Why not? I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
What does a female millipede do when she doesn't want to make love? She crosses her legs and says, "No, no. A thousand times, no!"
There's no better feeling than laying next to the person you love
And they don't know you love them
Or that you're in their house again
If you fall, I'll be there.
Why do blck men cry when they make love to white women? Mace...
Why do you love your puppy more than you love your wife? Because the puppy only knows the tricks you taught her
When she texts "I Love You"... but Auto-correct changes it to "who is this"
People love animals. There's movies where people get blown up and shot. But you kill one puppy... They ask you to leave the theatre!
Love is energy over time Because Watt is love?
This love letter reminds me of my uncle It really touched me
What did Chris Brown say the first time he saw Rhianna? Hey man, I'd love to hit that.
My eyes have been bugging me recently, so I went to the doctor. He told me I have ocular herpes. Apparently I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.
For those with kids who love Frozen.....
You Who, big summer blowout! (Norwegian accent)
Got a free haircut and handjob from my barber today. Gotta love cutting your own hair.
My mate went to Alaska and fell in love with both a male and female bear... He's Bipolar..
I met the love of my life through an online dating site Too bad my wife found out
The kids were really suprised when I put ginger in their curry...
...they really *did* love that cat.
> Stolen from a recent episode of *Match Of The Day*
A programmer gets home one day...
...and finds his wife crying. "Ever since we got married you've avoided this question. Now I want an answer: Do you really love me or did you just marry me so you won't be alone?"
So he replies: "Yes".
What is twice as large as a Tuba?
I love it for its simplicity.
A guy is having a drink with his wife.....
A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me….. talking to the beer.”