“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off
Just a joke lol
Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."
She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I said, "It's me talking to the beer."
I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.
6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
EDIT: Wow RIP inbox, thanks for the love guys.
I love dad jokes
WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
I used to love blowing air at people's faces... ...but I'm just not a fan anymore
REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7 Today is 24/7
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why did you do that dad?
Dad: So you won't get bored there.
Edit: Holy Moley guys! Thanks for getting me on first page! Much love and I promise I'll bring you more good jokes ;)
Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park. It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .
My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
I'm not sure faith can move mountains...
But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers.
EDIT: Thanks for the love. More people have upvoted this post than have died in the attacks.
If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame I love a protagonist with a twisted back story
Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?
Why I oughta...!
Edit: Wow, thanks for all the love. My son is quite the character and he really caught me off guard with this!
When is my wife's favorite day to make love? Tomorrow
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.
"What did you say?" said the farmer.
"You herd me."
I love the smell of my f5 key... It is very refreshing
Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.
He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"
I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...
Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep
"What did you say?" said the farmer
"You herd me" said the sheep
Never ever marry a tennis player Love means nothing to them
I love the way Pitbull says "Mr.World Wide" at the start of a song. Because it gives me time to change the station.
My blonde girlfriend froze In the middle of love making so I gave her an interrogative facial expression. " oh..I saw this on youporn" she said," they call it bufferring".
What does love mean to a tennis player? Nothing
[OC] My friend recently taught his dog how to say "I love you" I'm still trying to teach my dad.
A guy is having a drink with his wife.....
A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me….. talking to the beer.”
Study what you love and you'll never work a day in your life. Because nobody is hiring in your field.
Sitting next to my wife today, I said "I love you",
She replied "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I answered "It's me... Talking to the beer"
I met the love of my life through an online dating site Too bad my wife found out
People ask how I'm so prepared for Christmas It's easy I had all presents wrapped and hidden in the attic since August, my girlfriend is going to love her new puppy
Today I finally said “I love you” to my cake. It burst into tiers.
I love jokes about dead babies They never get old
It's incredible; the way she looks up at me with her beautiful hazel eyee, how she cries for me when I leave, how soft she feels against my skin and most importantly, how she's not afraid to get frisky when we're in bed together. I really love my dog.
Why do old people love golf? It’s all about getting the least strokes
How do blind bats fall in love? They just click
What do you get if you cross a financial adviser with a Richard Curtis movie? Love Actuary.
NEVER, I REPEAT NEVER MARRY A TENNIS PLAYER! Love means nothing to them
Why do French men enjoy the Wisconsin country side? They love that Dairy Air!
I always thought that once you find true love, no-one in this world can stop you from getting close to your desire. But those guards at the Jewelry exhibition think differently.
Pirates have trouble finding love because A large booty in a large chest is extremely rare from a physiological standpoint
What’s an example of endless love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis
I love how they freshened up the new Aladdin movie. By casting an extra prince.
Why do jewish people love breaking their fast with sweet potatoes? So that they can properly celebrate Yam kippur.
Why does Scooby Doo love John Wick? Because he Keanut BeReeves how amazing he is with dogs!
Being Turkish is like being in love You never have to say you’re sorry.
I really love my emo grass. It cuts itself
A date told me she'd love to have visited the Soviet Union at it's greatest. I got out of there real quick. It was clearly a big red flag.
I saw a 4 year girl crying, all alone.
“Are you ok?” I asked her. “Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?”
“No” she sobbed.
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage.
I thought giving my GF a Pokémon would make her love me But she told me "I'm not gonna Raichu a love song"
My son was moving to a city in Arizona. On the day before he left he told me, "I love you, Dad." I love you Tucson.
Man I love jerking off with a dead arm. It feels so good! At least it did, until everybody said I was "ruining the funeral"
Have you seen that new film, Every Year I Love You More? Featuring Michael Jackson and Benjamin Button
Confucius say - To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
That tingly little feeling that you get when you think you are in love... That’s your common sense leaving your body!
If eagles are the birds of American freedom, then what is the bird of American love? A Swallow
How does an incel prepare for love?
On one hand, they don't.
With the other hand they do.
Cupid would be a more believable character... ...if the people he shot rushed into marriage rather than fell in love
I found this great charity that I can donate all my brined salmon to! Lox of Love
Why does Magic Johnson love the life he lives? Because he went from Negative to Positive.
I made love to my wife for an hour and 15 minutes last night Thanks, daylight savings time!!
Apparently my printer is really into music... He seems to love the Paper jam.
Don't you just love a late night snack?... Apparently the guy next door doesn't cause he called the police when he found me in the pantry.
Why I love working out at the gym I go to!
There's this hot MILF always walking around checking me out.
I love home gyms.
What does a woman not want to hear when making love? Honey I'm home
My dad's Christian and my mom's jewish and they LOVE recycling... But it's a little awkward for both me and my grandad on ash wednesday. Sadly he didn't survive the holocaust.
Would love to find a women who looks good in camo. I've never seen one.
I just made love for over 1hr straight
1 hour and 22 seconds is my new record.
Thanks daylight savings time!
I told the girl I fancy next door I helped kill a man I was told women love accessories.
I secretly love men from Scotland... It's my kilty pleasure.
A wise man once told me that you should love with your heart and use your head for everything else He died of a concussion
It makes sense that Trump is into golden showers Republicans love trickle down economics
I love you my friends and that's not just the beer talking. It's from the bottom of my bottle of wine too.
Do you know why I love working out? Because I always feel like a weight has been lifted.
Today I saw two dogs make hot streamy love on the roadside. It's really hurtful to see your ex moving on so quickly.
Love it how music can take you to another place . For example, One direction is playing in this restaurant so i'm going to a different one.
Why do muslims love classical music? It has lots of violins
You know why i love hiking? It is all about the in tents action.
I've always wanted to own a funeral home.... With the slogan, "We love it when business is dead."
I once fell in love with an English Teacher.... ...I wrote her a love letter and she corrected it.
People love animals. There's movies where people get blown up and shot. But you kill one puppy... They ask you to leave the theatre!
Love is energy over time Because Watt is love?
This love letter reminds me of my uncle It really touched me
What did Chris Brown say the first time he saw Rhianna? Hey man, I'd love to hit that.
My eyes have been bugging me recently, so I went to the doctor. He told me I have ocular herpes. Apparently I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.
For those with kids who love Frozen.....
You Who, big summer blowout! (Norwegian accent)
Got a free haircut and handjob from my barber today. Gotta love cutting your own hair.
My mate went to Alaska and fell in love with both a male and female bear... He's Bipolar..
The kids were really suprised when I put ginger in their curry...
...they really *did* love that cat.
> Stolen from a recent episode of *Match Of The Day*
A programmer gets home one day...
...and finds his wife crying. "Ever since we got married you've avoided this question. Now I want an answer: Do you really love me or did you just marry me so you won't be alone?"
So he replies: "Yes".
What is twice as large as a Tuba?
I love it for its simplicity.