“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off
Just a joke lol
Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."
She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I said, "It's me talking to the beer."
I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.
6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
EDIT: Wow RIP inbox, thanks for the love guys.
I love dad jokes
WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
I used to love blowing air at people's faces... ...but I'm just not a fan anymore
REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7 Today is 24/7
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why did you do that dad?
Dad: So you won't get bored there.
Edit: Holy Moley guys! Thanks for getting me on first page! Much love and I promise I'll bring you more good jokes ;)
Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park. It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .
My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
I'm not sure faith can move mountains...
But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers.
EDIT: Thanks for the love. More people have upvoted this post than have died in the attacks.
If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame I love a protagonist with a twisted back story
Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?
Why I oughta...!
Edit: Wow, thanks for all the love. My son is quite the character and he really caught me off guard with this!
When is my wife's favorite day to make love? Tomorrow
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.
"What did you say?" said the farmer.
"You herd me."
I love the smell of my f5 key... It is very refreshing
Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.
He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"
I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...
Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep
"What did you say?" said the farmer
"You herd me" said the sheep
My girlfriend told me love means nothing to her That's what I get for dating a tennis player.
Never ever marry a tennis player Love means nothing to them
Love is like looking for a parking spot Everything good is taken and it's frowned upon to go into the handicapped ones.
Black people sure love them some boom boxes.
I’m not racist,
That’s just their stereotype.
A guy is having a beer with his wife says:
You are my dream, my angel, my love. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.
The wife says 'is that you talking or is it the beer'?
Husband says: It's me talking to the beer.
What does love mean to a tennis player? Nothing
I love summer here in Ireland It's my favorite day of the year.
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to Windows 7? I still love Vista baby...
I think i just wrote a joke out of my pathetic love life while fixing supper and here it goes. What does a bachelor eat the most? Balonely sandwiches.
My parents just said they wanted another child.
"I'll love a sibling" I insisted.
"That's not what we meant" they added
Today I finally said “I love you” to my cake. It burst into tiers.
Never trust a ghost when it says "i love you".. It was just the boos talking
I love jokes about dead babies They never get old
It's incredible; the way she looks up at me with her beautiful hazel eyee, how she cries for me when I leave, how soft she feels against my skin and most importantly, how she's not afraid to get frisky when we're in bed together. I really love my dog.
Why do old people love golf? It’s all about getting the least strokes
How do blind bats fall in love? They just click
What do you get if you cross a financial adviser with a Richard Curtis movie? Love Actuary.
NEVER, I REPEAT NEVER MARRY A TENNIS PLAYER! Love means nothing to them
Why do French men enjoy the Wisconsin country side? They love that Dairy Air!
I always thought that once you find true love, no-one in this world can stop you from getting close to your desire. But those guards at the Jewelry exhibition think differently.
Pirates have trouble finding love because A large booty in a large chest is extremely rare from a physiological standpoint
A girl asked me why I broke up with m ex I told her we didn't love the same things I loved hiking and playing guitar she loved another guy
What’s an example of endless love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis
I love how they freshened up the new Aladdin movie. By casting an extra prince.
I really love my emo grass. It cuts itself
A date told me she'd love to have visited the Soviet Union at it's greatest. I got out of there real quick. It was clearly a big red flag.
I saw a 4 year girl crying, all alone.
“Are you ok?” I asked her. “Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?”
“No” she sobbed.
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage.
I thought giving my GF a Pokémon would make her love me But she told me "I'm not gonna Raichu a love song"
Man I love jerking off with a dead arm. It feels so good! At least it did, until everybody said I was "ruining the funeral"
Have you seen that new film, Every Year I Love You More? Featuring Michael Jackson and Benjamin Button
Confucius say - To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Making love to a woman is a lot like playing the violin. I guess, i don't know how to do either
That tingly little feeling that you get when you think you are in love... That’s your common sense leaving your body!
How does an incel prepare for love?
On one hand, they don't.
With the other hand they do.
Why do jazz musicians love Korea? Because it's got Seoul.
Hello? I am calling to tell you I love you!
"Sir, I am sorry but I think you got the wrong number. This is a brewery!"
What did Julius Caesar say after he made love to his wife Veni
My ex girlfriend used to love coming home and finding me naked on the bed now she just calls the police
If you are a 90s kid-you say “I love my gaming system!” Your friend says “Then why don’t you marry it?” You say “Super! I will!” What day is this scenario most likely to occur? WEDNESDAY
I found this great charity that I can donate all my brined salmon to! Lox of Love
I made love to my wife for an hour and 15 minutes last night Thanks, daylight savings time!!
Apparently my printer is really into music... He seems to love the Paper jam.
Don't you just love a late night snack?... Apparently the guy next door doesn't cause he called the police when he found me in the pantry.
I just got laid at a party. I love family reunions.
Why I love working out at the gym I go to!
There's this hot MILF always walking around checking me out.
I love home gyms.
What does a woman not want to hear when making love? Honey I'm home
What language do pirates prefer programming in? You might think they enjoy R but their true love is the C
I just made love for over 1hr straight
1 hour and 22 seconds is my new record.
Thanks daylight savings time!
I told the girl I fancy next door I helped kill a man I was told women love accessories.
Study what you love and you'll never work a day in your life. Because nobody is hiring in your field.
It makes sense that Trump is into golden showers Republicans love trickle down economics
Do you know why I love working out? Because I always feel like a weight has been lifted.
Why do french people love eating snails? Because they hate fast food
Thanksgiving is here, and I love trigonometry sorry, I went off on a tangent.
Sitting next to my wife today, I said "I love you",
She replied "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I answered "It's me... Talking to the beer"
Love it how music can take you to another place . For example, One direction is playing in this restaurant so i'm going to a different one.
Why do muslims love classical music? It has lots of violins
You know why i love hiking? It is all about the in tents action.
I've always wanted to own a funeral home.... With the slogan, "We love it when business is dead."
I once fell in love with an English Teacher.... ...I wrote her a love letter and she corrected it.
People love animals. There's movies where people get blown up and shot. But you kill one puppy... They ask you to leave the theatre!
Love is energy over time Because Watt is love?
Got a free haircut and handjob from my barber today. Gotta love cutting your own hair.
My mate went to Alaska and fell in love with both a male and female bear... He's Bipolar..
I met the love of my life through an online dating site Too bad my wife found out
BAD MATH JOKE TIME.
For pi day, my friend was selling pies as a fundraiser, so because I love pie, I decided to buy two.
I went from 0 to 2π.
I went absolutely nowhere.
A programmer gets home one day...
...and finds his wife crying. "Ever since we got married you've avoided this question. Now I want an answer: Do you really love me or did you just marry me so you won't be alone?"
So he replies: "Yes".
What is twice as large as a Tuba?
I love it for its simplicity.
A guy is having a drink with his wife.....
A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me….. talking to the beer.”
My girlfriend's body is like poetry...
...It bores me.
*I really love my girlfriend, and her body is not like poetry, just so ya know :p