“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off
Just a joke lol
Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."
She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I said, "It's me talking to the beer."
I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.
6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
EDIT: Wow RIP inbox, thanks for the love guys.
I love dad jokes
WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
I used to love blowing air at people's faces... ...but I'm just not a fan anymore
REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7 Today is 24/7
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why did you do that dad?
Dad: So you won't get bored there.
Edit: Holy Moley guys! Thanks for getting me on first page! Much love and I promise I'll bring you more good jokes ;)
Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park. It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .
My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
I'm not sure faith can move mountains...
But we all know what it can do to skyscrapers.
EDIT: Thanks for the love. More people have upvoted this post than have died in the attacks.
If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame I love a protagonist with a twisted back story
Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?
Why I oughta...!
Edit: Wow, thanks for all the love. My son is quite the character and he really caught me off guard with this!
When is my wife's favorite day to make love? Tomorrow
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.
"What did you say?" said the farmer.
"You herd me."
I love the smell of my f5 key... It is very refreshing
Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.
He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"
I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...
Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep
"What did you say?" said the farmer
"You herd me" said the sheep
I love eating babies and smiling but I hate punctuation
Why does McGregor love springtime so much? Cause you just can't beat Mayweather.
Never date a tennis player. To them love means nothing.
My girlfriend's such a bad cook,
she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
Edit: I love my girlfriend.
My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true. I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I was in a Uber today and the driver said,
"I love my job, I'm my own boss.
Nobody tells me what to do…"
Then I said "turn left"
A joke my dad used to tell me when I was a kid I love you.
I got an iPad from my chinese friend... I love homemade gifts!
My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!" He did heroin
What is the worst response to "I love you"? "I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"
What’s is a Pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet? Some believe it’s R but his true love is the C.
My wife of 59 years said let's go upstairs and make love. I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."
A man applies for a job as a police officer.
The officer says: Alright, one more thing. Take this gun and go shoot 7 black men and a squirrel.
The man replies: Why the squirrel?
The officer says: I love your attitude, you got the job!
Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife’s hair.
It's a nice way to tell her i love her.
And also that we're outta napkins.
Did you hear about the lady who fell in love with a ginger ale salesman? [original!] She was Schwepped off her feet
My love for you is like a candle. If you ignore me I will burn your house down.
Why should you never marry a tennis player? Because to tennis players, love means nothing.
I was in a taxi and the driver said “I love my job. I’m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!” I said “That’s really great, now take a left here.”
I love self deprecating humour I'm just not great at it myself
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My wife thinks I play favourites with my kids. That's just silly. I love Eric and Not Eric equally.
Where does a cowboy go to find love?
(C) I tell jokes at work & honestly made this one up, I'm pretty stoked, please share if you liked it!)
You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night. I love you, alarm clock.
Girl: what do you think of our love
Me: count the stars
Girl: awww.... its infinite
Me: no, its a waste of time.
I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic. Everybody is so positive.
I'm have mixed feelings about abortion. On one hand, I love killing babies, on the other I hate giving women rights.
Why do italians love soccer? Because halfway through they get to switch sides
Trump used to love the LGBTQ community... Until he found out it doesn't stand for "Loans Given By The Qataris"
I love Florida everything is in the 80's The temperature, the people, and the IQs.
Love is a lot like algebra... ... You look at your X and wonder Y!
Maybe if I fall in love with my anxiety it'll leave me too.
My cousin just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3". I always knew he liked them young, but this is ridiculous.
I was in a taxi today and the driver said "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do." Then I said "Turn left"
My wife has told me she wants a divorce because there's another man. I hate to lose her… …but I just love him more…
I treat my family like dogs. With financial support and unconditional love.
I love dating blind girls You don't have to worry about them seeing other people.
I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises That woman blows my mind
I love summer in the UK. My favourite day of the year.
I love the way the Earth spins on its axis. it always makes my day.
Never mary a tennis player... Love means nothing to them,
Two women are discussing their love lives
Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."
Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."
"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."
Joker: "Hey Bats, Wanna hear a joke?"
Joker: "Parental Love"
Batman: "I don't get it"
I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss, nobody tells me what to do." Then I said, "Turn left here."
I love summer in Canada! It's my favorite day of the year!
I really love the word "earth" It means the world to me.
Made love to my wife last night, just like they do in the movies I was fast, she was furious
I was having a beer with the wife last night, when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you more than anything on earth!"
She said, "I bet that's the beer talking, isn't it?"
I said, "No, it's me talking to the beer!"
I love relaxing with some sand paper It's just a little something to take the edge off
I love summer here in Ireland It's my favorite day of the year.
Why does Kim Jong Un love books? Cause he's the supreme reader.
My girlfriend dumped me over my love for pasta And now I'm feeling canaloni
I visited Stockholm At first the place depressed me and I wanted to leave. Now, I love the place so much and want to stay forever.
I love the way the world rotates It really makes my day.
What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common? They both love to crack open a cold one.
If a dove represents peace which bird represents true love? The swallow.
All these women marching in protest is so well organized I'd love to talk to the man in charge.
I think my optometrist is in love with me. Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"
Riding with Uber earlier..
The driver said,
"I love my job, I am my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."
Then I said, "Turn Left.
I think i just wrote a joke out of my pathetic love life while fixing supper and here it goes. What does a bachelor eat the most? Balonely sandwiches.
A guy is having a beer with his wife says:
You are my dream, my angel, my love. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.
The wife says 'is that you talking or is it the beer'?
Husband says: It's me talking to the beer.
My parents just said they want another child.
"I'd love a sibling!" I said.
"That's not what we meant." they replied.
I love the smell of my F5 key... It's just so refreshing!
I love Taco Bell so much that I even enjoy being *asked* what style of tacos I want... I get hard every time.
At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.
"I looked up into the sky and matched each star with a reason why I love you."
"That's so sweet."
"Not particularly. It was daytime."
A girl from Alabama asked me if I found her attractive. I said, "You've got a face only a brother could love."
I love u it's my favourite vowel
I love the way Pitbull says "Mr.World Wide" at the start of a song. Because it gives me time to change the station.
What does love mean to a tennis player? Nothing
My blonde girlfriend froze In the middle of love making so I gave her an interrogative facial expression. " oh..I saw this on youporn" she said," they call it bufferring".