“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled... “You herd me.”
Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."
She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I said, "It's me talking to the beer."
Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral But not my Sister.
6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
EDIT: Wow RIP inbox, thanks for the love guys.
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off
Just a joke lol please don't kill me with the downvotes
I love dad jokes
WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why did you do that dad?
Dad: So you won't get bored there.
Edit: Holy Moley guys! Thanks for getting me on first page! Much love and I promise I'll bring you more good jokes ;)
I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park. It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .
My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame I love a protagonist with a twisted back story
Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
A man asks god...
Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God:"So you would love her."
Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?"
God:"So she would love you."
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.
"What did you say?" said the farmer.
"You herd me."
Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.
He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"
I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...
Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep
"What did you say?" said the farmer
"You herd me" said the sheep
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I didn't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves like that.
fight club I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting
Made love to my girlfriend for an hour and 15 seconds last night Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn't have done it without you.
My girlfriend told me love means nothing to her That's what I get for dating a tennis player.
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said "Have to love Easter, baby...."
What's the only "B" word you should call a woman?
Bitches love to be called beautiful.
My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine." I sucked at tennis.
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied.
“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.
Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?
\-Have you tried shaving your mustache?
\-Well you should, Karen.
A son and daughter walk up to their father.
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more?
Father: My love for you is like communism.
Daughter: So equally?
Father: No, it collapsed 40 years ago.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Son: They do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* They do the monster mash
Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
I am so single. I went to Grand Canyon, alone. I yelled “I love you” just to hear it said back to me. My echo replied. “I just want to be friends”
I once dated a professional tennis player... But I had to end it when I realised love meant nothing to her.
What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common? They both love cracking open a cold one.
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”
He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
Making love for the first time
Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this might to be magical"
so after we made love
Women love a man brimming with confidence. Because without that, what else is there to destroy?
Brett Kavanaugh: “I HAD A BAD WEEK!”
Lindsay Lohan: “Hold my beer. “
Brett Kavanaugh: “THANK YOU I LOVE BEER”
I told my wife, "You are so skinny." Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."
Even though my girlfriend is addicted to meth, I still love her. She's so beautiful. Those lips, those eyes, that tooth.
Husband says to wife: Babe, do I please you in bed?
Wife: Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.
Husband: What trick?
Wife: The one where you stfu and go to sleep.
A husband and wife see two people kissing.
The wife says, “He kisses her every time she comes home from work. Why can’t you do that?”
The husband says, “I would love to, but I don’t know her well enough.”
If you love skydiving, don’t wear a parachute on your next jump Then you can skydive for the rest of your life!
I called my wife's phone using my best friend's phone. She answered with "Hey baby"... She knew it was me before I even spoke. True love at it's finest.
You order one pizza
You love it.
Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.
Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.
That's the domino effect.
My wife keeps using the old ‘men can’t multitask’ stereotype.. So i said “that’s a lie.. I can make love to you AND think of your sister at the same time”
Heard this joke today, and I absolutely love it. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "five beers, please"