Love Jokes


Funniest Love Jokes

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?” “No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled... “You herd me.”

Funny Love Jokes

Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you." She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I said, "It's me talking to the beer."

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral But not my Sister.

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.

6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9? Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

EDIT: Wow RIP inbox, thanks for the love guys.

Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls? They love anything that's 15% off

Just a joke lol please don't kill me with the downvotes

I love dad jokes WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

I used to love blowing air at people's faces... ...but I'm just not a fan anymore

REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7 Today is 24/7

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt... 1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

Edit: Holy Moley guys! Thanks for getting me on first page! Much love and I promise I'll bring you more good jokes ;)

Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park. It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.” The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”


The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame I love a protagonist with a twisted back story

Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

A man asks god... Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God:"So you would love her."
Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?"
God:"So she would love you."

"I love my job!" said the farmer "All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.

"What did you say?" said the farmer.

"You herd me."

I love the smell of my f5 key... It is very refreshing

Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook. He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"

I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone "Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning... Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!

"I love my job!" said the farmer "All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep

"What did you say?" said the farmer

"You herd me" said the sheep

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I didn't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves like that.

fight club I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting

Made love to my girlfriend for an hour and 15 seconds last night Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn't have done it without you.

Why does Kim Jong Un love books? Because he is the Supreme Reader.

I promised my wife, I’d love her 24/7 Today is the day!

I love eating babies and smiling but I hate punctuation

My girlfriend told me love means nothing to her That's what I get for dating a tennis player.

Why does McGregor love springtime so much? Cause you just can't beat Mayweather.

I love eBay! Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.

Never date a tennis player. To them love means nothing.

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New Love Jokes

I love jokes about the eyes The cornea the better

I love my girlfriend Arial. I'm quite font of her.

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said "Have to love Easter, baby...."

I'm not racist, i love all races equally Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter

What's the only "B" word you should call a woman? Beautiful.

Bitches love to be called beautiful.

My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine." I sucked at tennis.

How do you cure depression ? Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.

“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier. “And I love you tons.” I replied.

“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.

Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.

-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do? \-Have you tried shaving your mustache?


\-Well you should, Karen.

A son and daughter walk up to their father. Son: Dad which one of us do you love more?
Father: My love for you is like communism.
Daughter: So equally?
Father: No, it collapsed 40 years ago.

Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk" Dracula: You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Son: They do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* They do the monster mash

I like 25 letters of the alphabet But I love u

Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

I am so single. I went to Grand Canyon, alone. I yelled “I love you” just to hear it said back to me. My echo replied. “I just want to be friends”

I love the smell of moth balls... but it's so hard to hold their little legs apart.

I once dated a professional tennis player... But I had to end it when I realised love meant nothing to her.

What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common? They both love cracking open a cold one.

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”

He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”

Making love for the first time Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this might to be magical"

so after we made love

**i disappeared**

Women love a man brimming with confidence. Because without that, what else is there to destroy?

Brett Kavanaugh: “I HAD A BAD WEEK!” Lindsay Lohan: “Hold my beer. “

Brett Kavanaugh: “THANK YOU I LOVE BEER”

What’s the best way to overcome depression? Love it, so it leaves you as well.

I told my wife, "You are so skinny." Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."

I love spoiling the plot of The Picture of Dorian Gray Never gets old

I love helping blind children The verb not the adjective

Even though my girlfriend is addicted to meth, I still love her. She's so beautiful. Those lips, those eyes, that tooth.

Husband says to wife: Babe, do I please you in bed? Wife: Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.
Husband: What trick?
Wife: The one where you stfu and go to sleep.

A husband and wife see two people kissing. The wife says, “He kisses her every time she comes home from work. Why can’t you do that?”

The husband says, “I would love to, but I don’t know her well enough.”

What classic game do Hawaiian kids love the most? The floor is lava.

I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend Love meant nothing to her

If you love skydiving, don’t wear a parachute on your next jump Then you can skydive for the rest of your life!

Black people sure love them some boom boxes. I’m not racist,

That’s just their stereotype.

How is love like algebra? Because you look at your x and wonder y

I called my wife's phone using my best friend's phone. She answered with "Hey baby"... She knew it was me before I even spoke. True love at it's finest.

You order one pizza You love it.

Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.

Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.

That's the domino effect.

My wife keeps using the old ‘men can’t multitask’ stereotype.. So i said “that’s a lie.. I can make love to you AND think of your sister at the same time”

Never go out with a tennis player Love means nothing to them.

I'm not racist I love all people whether they're black, brown, yellow, or normal.

Heard this joke today, and I absolutely love it. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "five beers, please"

You know that tingly sensation you get when you fall in love with somebody? That's common sense leaving your body.

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Long Love Jokes

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "

The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author"

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

*"It's a date."*

“Father, do you have anything to declare?”

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!

Boy: Why not?! You married mine!

Edit - thanks kind strangers for the awards! I have never gotten them before so thanks!

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing"...

not for the easily offended - one of my favorites

Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two. "See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."

So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.

Not wanting to be a jerk he says, "You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?"

Smiling she agrees and they have a great time.

After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the table, he asks her if she's got a ride home.

She tells him, "no but I can call someone to pick me up."

Trying to be nice he tells her "nonsense I'll give you a ride!"

On the ride they're laughing and getting along well and she tells him, "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and am not ready for the night to end yet, why don't you pull over at that park and we can talk."

They pull over and are talking for a while, when she finally kisses him.

"I'm sorry," she blushes, "you're just so nice and I like you."

"it's perfectly fine." he smiles.

"Would you like to make love to me?" she asks. He agrees and they start going at it, but with her legs it's hard to do in the truck.

She thinks and says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way."

So they go at it, finish up and he drives her home.

After he wheels her to the door her dad comes out.

"Come here boy," he says, gesturing him over.

Worried, he walks over, "uhh yes sir?"

"I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I haven't seen her smile like that in years."

Feeling guilty, he says, "It's no big deal I was glad to do it."

"No no," her father replies, "you don't understand, you're a good man, most guys just leave her hanging in the park."

Son: "Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”

“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”

“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”

“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked.

Man: How much?

Woman: $90,000

Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options.

Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it.

Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want.

Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much!

Man: Bye, I love you too.

The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you
must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother

Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your

A sniper rifle and an assault rifle meet eachother at a dance party

They get along quite nicely and go out for a drink. The assault rifle falls in love with the sniper rifle, and decides to ask if the sniper rifle wants to be her boyfriend. However, the sniper rifle declines. Distraught, the assault rifle asks why he said no, to which the sniper rifle replies:

"I can't be with you because I M24 and you AR15"

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."

The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the Lexus dealership and saw a car I really liked, can I have it?

Man "How much is it?"

Woman: "$90 thousand."

Man: "Well if it's that much I want it with all the features."

Woman: "Of course I will! Oh yeah, one more thing. I just finished talking to Sarah, and the and the house I wanted is back on the market, they're asking $880 thousand for it."

Man: "Ok, make an offer for 900.000, if they don't take it offer them an extra 80k if that's what you really want."

Woman: " Thank you so much honey, love you, bye!"

Man: "Love you too, bye."

The man hung up, everyone in the locker room was staring at him in astonishment. The man then calmly looked around and asked "Ok... whose phone is this?"

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”

“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine."

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent alone on the ship, he became adept at building small robots to help him complete his tasks. He formed relationships with the little bots, but he found he missed the companionship of real humans. He would take small stints in the cryogenic chambers in order to prolong his life, as so to complete his mission of getting his friends and family to their new home. But a long life with no one real to talk to is lacking.

With his knowledge of robotics, he took it upon himself to build an artificial human. Something that looked real. Something that felt real. Something that would make the unbearable loneliness go away.

He didn’t feel right copying the likeness of any members of the sleeping crew, so he modeled the robot on himself. By the time he was done, there “he” was, a perfect replica of Jacques himself. He named the robot Jacques 2.0, because who else was there to get confused? And as he grew older, it would be easier to remember his own name, he figured.

Well, years passed as they are want to do. He grew old and frail on the journey, but Jacques 2.0 remained as lively and youthful as ever, helping his creator to complete the tasks the old man’s bones could no longer handle.

As the old man lay dying, he asked his robotic companion to do him a favor. He wanted his remains to be scattered among the stars, the asteroids, and the comets they passed. He did not want to be buried on a planet he would never see, but instead live on in the vastness of space that had become his home. So when the day finally came, Jacques 2.0 sent his creator’s ashes out of the airlock and into the universe.

But the journey was not over. Jacques 2.0 carried on his creator’s duties for years and helped the crew arrive on their new home. As the ship grew close to the planet, he pulled the switch to wake the crew. One by one they woke from their long sleep and travelled to the observation deck to see their new home. When they arrived, though, they found themselves in complete shock. There was Jacques, as lively and youthful as ever, waiting for them.

“How can this be?” They asked. “Surely you would at the very least be an old, old man by now. It has been so long since we left Earth.”

Jacques 2.0 raised his hands slightly in a calming gesture and said, “Do not worry. I am here to send you a message of love and care from Jacques. I was created to help him complete his mission. I may look like him, but in truth, I am not him. For you see,” and with this he gestured towards the stars and space above their heads, “the real Jacques is in the comets.”

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe.

For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, London, and Rome.

After seeing all Europe had to offer, he moved on to explore the rest of the world.
Over the next few months, he rode through the African savannas, the deserts of Egypt, and even made it to the top of Mount Everest.

He was having the time of his life until he reached a small town in China.
Unexpectedly, and out of nowhere, a beautiful Chinese maiden crossed his path, causing him to fly off and crash his motorcycle.
Apologizing, the maiden offered Rick to pay for the repairs and a place to stay while they fixed his bike.
"My name is Yu! It's an honor to meet you!" the beautiful maiden introduced herself to Rick.

It turned out she was the daughter of a rich magistrate, so he spent the night in a small palace in the center of town.
However, due to the scarcity of motorcycle parts, Rick had to spend several days in the palace, in the presence of Yu.
Over the next few days, she took a liking to him and his strange American ways. As expected, Rick took a liking to her, too.

The two quickly became inseparable, but Yu's father did not approve, for Rick was an outsider.
By the time the motorcycle was finally up and running, Rick had fallen madly in love with Yu and refused to leave.
Yu begged her father to let him stay, but instead, the Magistrate had Rick banished from the town. He warned him if he ever came back, he would have him beheaded.

Rick was devastated, he had no motivation to continue on the rest of his journey. It seemed as though there was nothing left for him in the world, if he didn't have his beloved Chinese maiden.

So he did the only thing any other sane guy would do....

*Rick rolled* back into town screaming,

*"I'm never gonna give Yu up!"*

Son leaves a note

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance." Once again Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple's conversation and said, "Listen, folks, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say just one word, it's 50 dollars." Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter.

The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still, there wasn't so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, "Wow! I've got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn't. I'm really impressed!" Walter replied, "Well, to be honest, I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"

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