After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th. A big 10-4, if you will.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season... ... Please don't be jealous
My friend went on holiday to Havana...
...and asked me what gift I would like him to get for me. I said get me "something Cuban", but he got me a Che Guevara t shirt.
Clothes, but no cigar.
A cyclops and his wife looking for their prefect holiday destination
Cyclobs: How do you spell Hawaii?
Wife: Well... You need two i‘s...
Cyclobs (putting the pen down): My life is just a joke to you isn’t it, Linda?
I was on holiday in Belgium...
Apparently it was obvious that I am German, because an elderly man came to me and said "you lost something ".
"What?" I asked surprised.
"The war" he replied.
A Fencing instructor came back to the academy after a well deserved holiday
Only to find that the relief instructor had been teaching his students nothing else but to parry and counter.
Apparently all the sub could do was riposte.
I’m furious. My holiday is ruined! I’ve decided to sue the airline that lost my luggage. My lawyer said that I don’t have a case.
I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.
She'd lost all her holiday money.
I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.
I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the car park.
I'm going on holiday to Egypt. A coworker told me it can get up to 100 degrees in the shade... ...I'll be staying out of the shade then.
A woman on holiday was stung by a jellyfish...
She yells to her husband and says "I was stung by a jellyfish, you need to pee on it."
The husband runs over to the jellyfish and pees on it saying "that's for stinging my wife."
Why does the Devil hate the holiday Season? Because he gets so many letters from dyslexic children.
My mother-in-law once went on holiday with a massive case of diarrhoea. She only found out when she opened her suitcase.
Christmas jokes needed I am about to MC a high school Christmas staff talent show and need your best Christmas or holiday jokes. This is happening in two hours.
Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!
If you want to drive safely we can help.
Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages
Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely
While on holiday in Thailand my friend met a stunning girl in a bar, so he plied her with alcohol to make his chances of getting a shag easier. His plan backfired though. When they got back to his hotel she was too pissed to maintain her erection.
Hey everyone be careful on the road this holiday because there are a lot of people drinking And their wives are driving
A buddy of mine isn't sure whether he believes in creamy holiday beverages or not. He's eggnogstic.
If you ever have trouble spelling the word "Christmas" this holiday season, just remember: There's Noël.
So I rang the tourist office and asked:-
'What's the quickest way from the Holiday Inn to the museum?'
'Are you walking or driving?'
'Well, that would be the quickest way.'
the explanation of just about every jewish holiday
they tried to kill us
Bill: “I’ve just got back from a holiday in Poole.” Ben: “In Dorset?” Bill: “I’d recommend it to anyone.”
I've been very anxious about being mugged while on holiday in mexico, so I've been taking Valium to calm my nerves. So far I haven't had any Hispanic attacks.
I came back from holiday in India with a really heavy case of diarrhea... ...but they wouldn't let me take it through customs.
Everyone talks about how May 4th is 100% hands down the best Star Wars holiday ever.... But only a fifth May deal in absolutes..
For the first time in my life, I can’t go for a holiday because of COVID-19 Previously, it was because I couldn’t afford it
I recently went on holiday to Europe after studying languages when I was younger... It's turns out my German has gone from Bath to Sausage
A boy goes on holiday to Mexico and texts his mate saying "Weather out here is just like your mother, 36 and hot" His mate replies "Weather back here is just like your sister, 16 and wet"
I'm on holiday visiting the math dept. at Univ. of Manchester, England. I guess I'm an Alan Turist.
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his wife when she asked if Christmas was his favourite holiday I still love Easter, Baby.
"Just the bonuses for the CEO's on Wall Street equals the amount of what half of all American's make on minimum wage in a year" : New York Times But we have a national holiday today called Labor Day
A German Tourist is on holiday and needed to buy some deoderant.
So he walks into a chemist and says "I vould like to buy ze deoderant."
Chemist says: "Ball or aerosol?"
Tourist: "No, I vant it for my armpits!"
Had a conversation with my suitcase about not going on holiday this year Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage
Taking Your Bird on Holiday
What’s the most convenient bird to take in hand luggage when flying?
A carrion crow.
I’ll see myself out.
My husband bought me a world map.
He gave me a dart and said "Wherever it lands, I'm taking you on a holiday when this pandemic is over."
Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.
The teacher awards me a 1 week Holiday and I became very stress-free. I think that's why they call it a de-tension?
Easter is the holiday where we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and savior: The Easter Bunny
We all need to celebrate Easter by having a special holiday meal.... A peter bunny and jelly.
So glad there's a holiday weekend coming up! So need a day off. Think I'll just stay home with the family.
Anytime I have an anniversary, birthday or holiday I am reminded of the biggest joke of all My life
If Mother's Day is for mothers, Father's Day is for fathers, and Valentine's Day is for lovers, what holiday is for single men? Palm Sunday
Valentine’s Day is about to become a religious holiday because there will be screaming, “Oh God! Oh God!" everywhere all night.
There is a Monsters Inc Comedy Show in Disney World and you can send in jokes to be included, here's mine (it was included)
What's a swamp monster's favorite holiday treat.
New holiday ballet I have a great idea for new holiday ballet. It's about a plumber who has to make a house call on christmas eve. I'm calling it "The Buttcracker"...
A friend told me she is going on holiday to Athens. I told her not to take any cilit bang as its prohibited.
Me: because its tough on Greece
A couple is on holiday in another country. They are getting on a bus together. The husband tells the wife:
\- See? In this bus there's a gamer, a feminist and a vegan.
\- So... What makes you think you know that?
\- They already told me!
Australia Was on holiday in Sydney and saw this bloke with a didgeridoo playing Dancing Queen. I thought, that's Abba-riginal
What's the difference between my patio and Robert Mugabes grave? No-one wants to pay for a holiday to dance on my patio.
I was talking to a friend. I said "my wife went on holiday to the West Indies."
He says "Jamaica?"
I said "No... It was her decision."
Thought id help out aha
Earlier today i saw a women crying in Asda car park.
She said she lot all her holiday money.
I felt sorry for her so I gave her £50.
I don't usually do this kind of stuff but I recently found £2000 in the car park before.
I came out of Morrisons earlier and There was a woman crying her eyes out, she'd lost all her holiday money. I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50. I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the carpark.
I've just come back from holiday in Cuba with stomach problems. Doctors think it might be Castro-entiritus.
Why is it known that Jewish people treat their help well? Every holiday they blow the chauffeur.
I don't mean to say that my wife talks a lot... but she just came back from a beach holiday with a sunburned tongue.
I thought my wife was going on a Belgium holiday to buy chocolates. When she got back, I found out she’d actually been on holiday in Paris buying curtain materials. It was a fabrication.
A german is on holiday in the US, getting wasted at a bar.
He walks outside and starts taking a leak on the side of the building. An american woman walks by, looks at what he's doing, and says, "Ugh, gross."
The german man looks up, smiles, and says "Danke."
Give a man some corn feed him for a day Teach a man to grow corn and he will be the first white guy to have a holiday named after him while he kills off your people.
A German goes on holiday to France. He gets to passport control and the woman asks "Occupation?" "No, just visiting." Said the guy.