Holiday Jokes

Contents

Funniest Holiday Jokes

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th. A big 10-4, if you will.

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season... ... Please don't be jealous

My friend went on holiday to Havana... ...and asked me what gift I would like him to get for me. I said get me "something Cuban", but he got me a Che Guevara t shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

A cyclops and his wife looking for their prefect holiday destination Cyclobs: How do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: Well... You need two i‘s...

Cyclobs (putting the pen down): My life is just a joke to you isn’t it, Linda?

Funny Holiday Jokes

I was on holiday in Belgium... Apparently it was obvious that I am German, because an elderly man came to me and said "you lost something ".
"What?" I asked surprised.
"The war" he replied.

A Fencing instructor came back to the academy after a well deserved holiday Only to find that the relief instructor had been teaching his students nothing else but to parry and counter.

Apparently all the sub could do was riposte.

I’m furious. My holiday is ruined! I’ve decided to sue the airline that lost my luggage. My lawyer said that I don’t have a case.

I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She'd lost all her holiday money.

I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.

I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the car park.

I'm going on holiday to Egypt. A coworker told me it can get up to 100 degrees in the shade... ...I'll be staying out of the shade then.

A woman on holiday was stung by a jellyfish... She yells to her husband and says "I was stung by a jellyfish, you need to pee on it."

The husband runs over to the jellyfish and pees on it saying "that's for stinging my wife."

Why does the Devil hate the holiday Season? Because he gets so many letters from dyslexic children.

My mother-in-law once went on holiday with a massive case of diarrhoea. She only found out when she opened her suitcase.

Christmas jokes needed I am about to MC a high school Christmas staff talent show and need your best Christmas or holiday jokes. This is happening in two hours.

How does NASA throw a holiday party? They planet.

Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season! If you want to drive safely we can help.

Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages


Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely

While on holiday in Thailand my friend met a stunning girl in a bar, so he plied her with alcohol to make his chances of getting a shag easier. His plan backfired though. When they got back to his hotel she was too pissed to maintain her erection.

Hey everyone be careful on the road this holiday because there are a lot of people drinking And their wives are driving

A buddy of mine isn't sure whether he believes in creamy holiday beverages or not. He's eggnogstic.

If you ever have trouble spelling the word "Christmas" this holiday season, just remember: There's Noël.

So I rang the tourist office and asked:- 'What's the quickest way from the Holiday Inn to the museum?'
'Are you walking or driving?'
'Driving.'
'Well, that would be the quickest way.'

the explanation of just about every jewish holiday they tried to kill us
they failed
lets eat

Bill: “I’ve just got back from a holiday in Poole.” Ben: “In Dorset?” Bill: “I’d recommend it to anyone.”

I've been very anxious about being mugged while on holiday in mexico, so I've been taking Valium to calm my nerves. So far I haven't had any Hispanic attacks.

I met my wife at a travel agency.. She was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort.

I came back from holiday in India with a really heavy case of diarrhea... ...but they wouldn't let me take it through customs.

Everyone talks about how May 4th is 100% hands down the best Star Wars holiday ever.... But only a fifth May deal in absolutes..

For the first time in my life, I can’t go for a holiday because of COVID-19 Previously, it was because I couldn’t afford it

I recently went on holiday to Europe after studying languages when I was younger... It's turns out my German has gone from Bath to Sausage

What holiday celebrates the rising of dough? Yeaster.

A boy goes on holiday to Mexico and texts his mate saying "Weather out here is just like your mother, 36 and hot" His mate replies "Weather back here is just like your sister, 16 and wet"

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday ... I'll tell you what, never again.

I'm on holiday visiting the math dept. at Univ. of Manchester, England. I guess I'm an Alan Turist.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his wife when she asked if Christmas was his favourite holiday I still love Easter, Baby.

Why did Santa go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirits.

"Just the bonuses for the CEO's on Wall Street equals the amount of what half of all American's make on minimum wage in a year" : New York Times But we have a national holiday today called Labor Day

If Valentine’s Day is for couples what holiday is for single guys? Palm Sunday.

A German Tourist is on holiday and needed to buy some deoderant. So he walks into a chemist and says "I vould like to buy ze deoderant."

Chemist says: "Ball or aerosol?"

Tourist: "No, I vant it for my armpits!"

Man I wish I was an American police officer. I would kill for a holiday right now

The holiday season is coming up. Every year I make my parents something. I make them disappointed.

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New Holiday Jokes

Had a conversation with my suitcase about not going on holiday this year Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage

Taking Your Bird on Holiday What’s the most convenient bird to take in hand luggage when flying?




A carrion crow.


I’ll see myself out.

My husband bought me a world map. He gave me a dart and said "Wherever it lands, I'm taking you on a holiday when this pandemic is over."

Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.

What is a holiday destination recommended by dentists? Fluorida

The teacher awards me a 1 week Holiday and I became very stress-free. I think that's why they call it a de-tension?

Easter is the holiday where we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and savior: The Easter Bunny

We all need to celebrate Easter by having a special holiday meal.... A peter bunny and jelly.

So glad there's a holiday weekend coming up! So need a day off. Think I'll just stay home with the family.

Anytime I have an anniversary, birthday or holiday I am reminded of the biggest joke of all My life

Knock knock Who’s there?

Alpaca

Alpaca who?

We’re going on holiday and alpaca up.

Respect religions They all give you holiday

Did you hear about the two beans that went on holiday in Australia? They wound up in cairns

If Mother's Day is for mothers, Father's Day is for fathers, and Valentine's Day is for lovers, what holiday is for single men? Palm Sunday

Valentine’s Day is about to become a religious holiday because there will be screaming, “Oh God! Oh God!" everywhere all night.

Never bother a gangster the night before he goes on holiday He's probably packing

There is a Monsters Inc Comedy Show in Disney World and you can send in jokes to be included, here's mine (it was included) What's a swamp monster's favorite holiday treat.

Egg-Bog

New holiday ballet I have a great idea for new holiday ballet. It's about a plumber who has to make a house call on christmas eve. I'm calling it "The Buttcracker"...

Why did the grinch rob the liquor store? He was in need of some holiday spirit

A friend told me she is going on holiday to Athens. I told her not to take any cilit bang as its prohibited. Her: why

Me: because its tough on Greece

Alabama’s State Holiday is Halloween A holiday to pump-kin

A couple is on holiday in another country. They are getting on a bus together. The husband tells the wife: \- See? In this bus there's a gamer, a feminist and a vegan.

\- So... What makes you think you know that?

\- They already told me!

Australia Was on holiday in Sydney and saw this bloke with a didgeridoo playing Dancing Queen. I thought, that's Abba-riginal

What's the difference between my patio and Robert Mugabes grave? No-one wants to pay for a holiday to dance on my patio.

I was talking to a friend. I said "my wife went on holiday to the West Indies." He says "Jamaica?"

I said "No... It was her decision."

Just got back from the holiday of a lifetime. Never again.

Thought id help out aha Earlier today i saw a women crying in Asda car park.
She said she lot all her holiday money.
I felt sorry for her so I gave her £50.
I don't usually do this kind of stuff but I recently found £2000 in the car park before.

I came out of Morrisons earlier and There was a woman crying her eyes out, she'd lost all her holiday money. I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50. I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the carpark.

I've just come back from holiday in Cuba with stomach problems. Doctors think it might be Castro-entiritus.

4/20 is my favorite holiday It’s too bad I can’t remember any of them

Why is it known that Jewish people treat their help well? Every holiday they blow the chauffeur.

Having a good holiday tomorrow Will be Easter said than done

I don't mean to say that my wife talks a lot... but she just came back from a beach holiday with a sunburned tongue.

What's worse than Michael Jackson babysitting your kids? The McCanns taking them on holiday

What holiday do Christian cacti celebrate? SuccuLent

I thought my wife was going on a Belgium holiday to buy chocolates. When she got back, I found out she’d actually been on holiday in Paris buying curtain materials. It was a fabrication.

A german is on holiday in the US, getting wasted at a bar. He walks outside and starts taking a leak on the side of the building. An american woman walks by, looks at what he's doing, and says, "Ugh, gross."

The german man looks up, smiles, and says "Danke."

Give a man some corn feed him for a day Teach a man to grow corn and he will be the first white guy to have a holiday named after him while he kills off your people.

Just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday Tell you what: never again!

A German goes on holiday to France. He gets to passport control and the woman asks "Occupation?" "No, just visiting." Said the guy.

One of my empoloyee’s asked if he could go on holiday to Kenya with pay! Uganda be kidding me!

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Long Holiday Jokes

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have
this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in
the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they
got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an
unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith,
do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about
9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed
about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why
do you ask?'


She just died and left me everything.'



(And you thought the ending would be different!)

A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Spain

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull he wins."

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north…

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.


But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Keith.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"Well, she just died and left me everything."

A Whipping

An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

The Memory Man

A man from Liverpool, England was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.

"Who's he?" asked the Liverpudlian.

"That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he's ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out."

So the Liverpudlian goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?".

"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.

"Who did they beat?"

"Leeds" was the instant reply.

"And the score?"

"2-1."

"Who scored the winning goal?"

"Ian St. John" said the old man, without a hint of hesitation.

The Liverpudlian was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Native American, only this time he was older and even more wrinkled.

The Liverpudlian approached him with the greeting "How".

The Memory man looked up and said, "Diving header in the six yard box".

It's a well-known fact that Hitler...

It's a well-known fact that Hitler often consulted astrologists and people involved in the occult to get direction while Germany fought in World War II.

One day he decided to thank his chief astrologer and called him into his office to say, "we've done really well in the war and I'm grateful for your advice. I'm wondering something though, how come you never told me something that would be important to me  like when will I die?"

The astrologer said "Mein Fuhrer, you never asked."

Hitler says "I'm asking you now, do you know the day I'm going to die?"

The astrologer says "as a matter of fact I do know the day. You're going to die on a Jewish holiday."

Hitler is shocked, "that's a horrible thing - a Jewish holiday! What Jewish holiday am I going to die on?"

The man says. "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Keith.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"Well, she just died and left me everything."

Everything's bigger in Texas

A Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman gives him a drink. The Texan looks at the drink and commenting on how small it is, he says that they are 10 times bigger in Texas. In the interest of good relations, the barman gives him another 9 drinks free of charge. Later the Texan comes up and orders a bag of peanuts. When given the small bag, he again comments on the size of it, and the barman again gives him 9 free. The Texan is pleased with the service he got and notes some positive feedback on a card as he leaves.

A few weeks later, in recognition of his good deeds, the barman is given a special award for his services to local tourism. He is given a monetary prize. With his prizemoney, he books a holiday in Texas. He walks into the hotel bar and orders a drink. To his surprise the barman puts up a huge drink in front of him. He then orders some nuts and is given a huge packet. Looking around at the massive bar and thinking about all he has seen he concludes that his own customer was right and that everything is bigger in Texas. After eventually finishing his drink he staggers up to the bar and asks where the toilets are. The barman points to a door and says that he should go through it and he'll find them near the end of the corridor.

He heads towards the door and opens it and walks down the corridor. There are two doors at the end, one to the toilets and one to the hotel swimming pool. In his drunken state, he goes through the wrong door and falls into the swimming pool. He starts to scream. Hearing the commotion, a moment later the hotel barman runs through the door and stands at the edge of the pool. The guest looks up at him in horror and screams "Don't flush! Don't flush!"

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.

The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said "Ship her home". Shocked, the undertaker asked "But sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?" The husband replied "A long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead... I cant take the chance!"

An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman...

...are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

A Golf Story

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,'she explained and 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said.'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf..

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said,a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.'

'Why do you ask?'


'She just died and left me everything.'

An altar boy enters the box to confess...

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's holiday and five excellent Leads.'

Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...

"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"

"I did Teacher"

"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"

"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."

"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"

"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"

9 months

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

Who says men don't remember?

A couple were holiday shopping at the mall, and the place was
packed. As the wife walked through the mall, she was surprised
to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she
became worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said: "Honey, do you remember the jewelry
store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with
that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you
that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember
that jewelry store."


He replied: "Well, I'm in the pub next door!"

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!”

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips
and you will have to satisfy her every need.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary
is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You're lying !!!” The social worker said, “Yeah,
well . . . you started it.”

True Story.

My wife and I were shopping with her parents. Lovely people, who had just booked a holiday to New York to visit my brother in-law, who is expecting his first child. In preparation for this they needed to buy new luggage. We were walking around the shopping centre and had a few bags by the time the luggage was bought so we decided to fill the suitcase with them, which my father-in-law rolled about with ease. As the day came to a close and we headed for the car my wife turned and said, 'You know what Daddy? We should take you and that bag with us every time we go shopping.' To which he replied, 'Don't talk about your mother like that.'

A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions

"Name?"

"Hans Schmidt"

"Age?"

"32"

"Place of birth?"

"Dusseldorf"

"Occupation?"

"No, just visiting"

Welfare Check:

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his
2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward
to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex
drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

An American Tourist in London

An American man is on holiday in London and decides to get a cab from the airport to his hotel. On the way he passes Tower Bridge and says to the driver "Hey man, what's that?" The cab driver replies "That's Tower Bridge", and the American replies "In America we could build that in two weeks!"

Next they pass Buckingham Palace and again the American asks "Hey man, what's that?" To which the cab driver replies "That's Buckingham Palace", the American replies "In America we could build that in one week!"

Next they pass The Houses of Parliament and again the American asks "Hey man, what's that?" To which the cab driver replies "I dunno mate, it wasn't there this morning".

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