Holiday Jokes

Contents

Funniest Holiday Jokes

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but... A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

Score: 10176

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season... ... Please don't be jealous

Score: 5751

I bought the president of Brazil an Apple TV for the holiday. And all he got me was an Amazon fire.

Score: 464

A German man walks up to a immigration desk in Warsaw. Immigration offcier: "Occupation?"

German man: "No, just holiday."

Score: 269

My friend went on holiday to Havana... ...and asked me what gift I would like him to get for me. I said get me "something Cuban", but he got me a Che Guevara t shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

Score: 237

So I recently went to Australia... I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

Score: 154

A cyclops and his wife looking for their prefect holiday destination Cyclobs: How do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: Well... You need two i‘s...

Cyclobs (putting the pen down): My life is just a joke to you isn’t it, Linda?

Score: 98
Funny Holiday Jokes
Score: 75

I was going from London to Australia for a holiday... I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked

"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"

"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."

Score: 71

Its 1938 and a German officer went to France for a holiday. At the border the French staff looked at his papers and asked : "Occupation? "

The German replied: "No, no, no, just visiting this time"

Score: 71

I was on holiday in Belgium... Apparently it was obvious that I am German, because an elderly man came to me and said "you lost something ".
"What?" I asked surprised.
"The war" he replied.

Score: 68

Why is Halloween a hillbilly's favorite holiday? Because they like to pumpkin.



I'll see myself out...

Score: 62

A German man visits America for holiday. The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"

The man says: "No, only holiday!"

Score: 58

Hitler went to a fortune teller.. ..and asked her, “On what day will I die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler.

“Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”

Score: 57

A Fencing instructor came back to the academy after a well deserved holiday Only to find that the relief instructor had been teaching his students nothing else but to parry and counter.

Apparently all the sub could do was riposte.

Score: 54

Hitler goes to a psychic and asks... “On what day will I die?”

The psychic says, “On a Jewish holiday.”

Skeptical, Hitler asks, “How can you be so sure?”

“Any day, on which you die,” explains the psychic, “will be a Jewish holiday.”

Score: 54

I’m furious. My holiday is ruined! I’ve decided to sue the airline that lost my luggage. My lawyer said that I don’t have a case.

Score: 52

I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She'd lost all her holiday money.

I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.

I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the car park.

Score: 44

I'm going on holiday to Egypt. A coworker told me it can get up to 100 degrees in the shade... ...I'll be staying out of the shade then.

Score: 43

Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her, "On what day will I die?" The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday.
"Why are you sure of that?" demanded Hitler.

"Any day," she replied, "on which you die will be a Jewish holiday."

Score: 42

A woman on holiday was stung by a jellyfish... She yells to her husband and says "I was stung by a jellyfish, you need to pee on it."

The husband runs over to the jellyfish and pees on it saying "that's for stinging my wife."

Score: 40

Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her.... "On what day will I die?" The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. "Why are you so sure of that?" Demanded Hitler.

"Any day" she replied "on which you die will be a Jewish holiday."

Score: 33

If Gandalf wanted to go on an overseas holiday, what would he do? Fly, *you fools*.

Score: 31

Why does the Devil hate the holiday Season? Because he gets so many letters from dyslexic children.

Score: 30

Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her: "On what day will I die?" The fortuneteller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday.

"Why are you so sure of that?" Asked Hitler.


"Any day", she replied, "on which you die will be a Jewish holiday".

Score: 29

My mother-in-law once went on holiday with a massive case of diarrhoea. She only found out when she opened her suitcase.

Score: 29

Christmas jokes needed I am about to MC a high school Christmas staff talent show and need your best Christmas or holiday jokes. This is happening in two hours.

Score: 28

How does NASA throw a holiday party? They planet.

Score: 27

Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season! If you want to drive safely we can help.

Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages


Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely

Score: 26

Why is it a bad idea to wear tiny shorts on a Ukranian holiday? Chernobyl fallout.

Score: 24

Not sure if this will work outside of Scotland... Two cows in a field, which one is on holiday?


- the one with the wee calf

Score: 22

Hey everyone be careful on the road this holiday because there are a lot of people drinking And their wives are driving

Score: 19

I'm on holiday visiting the math dept. at Univ. of Manchester, England. I guess I'm an Alan Turist.

Score: 9

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never. Again.

Score: 9

Man I wish I was an American police officer. I would kill for a holiday right now

Score: 7

Where do strippers go on holiday ? Poland

Score: 7

surgeon's disappointing holiday A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing"' he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here in the hospital."

Score: 5

Since Tiger Woods is back in the news and it's the holiday season.... What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stopped at 3 ho's

Score: 5

Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday". Turns out we’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Score: 5

What is a computernerds favorite holiday destination? Cyberia

Score: 5

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New Holiday Jokes

For most Americans, 4th of July is a holiday. But not fire.

Fire works July 4th.

Score: 2

The teacher awards me a 1 week Holiday and I became very stress-free. I think that's why they call it a de-tension?

Score: 0

So glad there's a holiday weekend coming up! So need a day off. Think I'll just stay home with the family.

Score: 0

We're being told to stay home this Easter because of COVID-19 because "COVID-19 doesn't take a holiday" But it's taken a cruise...

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A couple is on holiday in another country. They are getting on a bus together. The husband tells the wife: \- See? In this bus there's a gamer, a feminist and a vegan.

\- So... What makes you think you know that?

\- They already told me!

Score: 1

Thought id help out aha Earlier today i saw a women crying in Asda car park.
She said she lot all her holiday money.
I felt sorry for her so I gave her £50.
I don't usually do this kind of stuff but I recently found £2000 in the car park before.

Score: 2

Hitlet went to a fortuneteller to ask when he will die. The teller told him, “You will die on a Jewish holiday.”

“How are you sure about that?”, Hitler demanded.

“Because”, she replied, “any day which you die on will become a Jewish holiday.”

Score: 2

Why is it known that Jewish people treat their help well? Every holiday they blow the chauffeur.

Score: 2

I don't mean to say that my wife talks a lot... but she just came back from a beach holiday with a sunburned tongue.

Score: 2

Aparently 30% of males go on a diet before going on holiday. I cheated And just took a fat girlfriend to the beach

Score: 2

Q. Two cows standing in a field. Which one is on holiday? A. The one with the wee calf.

Score: 1

I've just ordered a book called Overcome Procrastination I intend to read it over the Christmas holiday.

Score: 3

A friend of mine messaged me to say that he's been bitten by a snake on holiday in India. How on earth does a snake manage to organise a holiday in India?

Score: 3

I meet the wife at a travel agency. She was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort.

Score: 3

Whats a plumbers favourite holiday Sink-o de mayo

Score: 3

What the trigonometry teacher get on holiday? A tan.

Score: 1

Putin planned a holiday trip to the U.S. for the President's Day weekend sales... but he cancelled at the last minute when he remembered he'd already bought one.

Score: 1

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite christian holiday was... He said "Have to love Easter, baby!"

Score: 3

I saw Trump's Twitter video wishing the Jews a happy holiday As a Democrat I want to make fun of Trump. As a Jew I want to make fun of myself that Trump's Twitter had to be the one to tell me my people's holiday was today. True story

Score: 2

Where do pencils go on holiday? Pencilvania

Score: 1

I always forget that holiday that comes at the end of October. Then the doorbell rings... Witch reminds me.

Score: 2

Why did the cow go on holiday Because it had a wee calf

Score: 3

Why didn't death row records go to Disneyland for their holiday outing? Because it was too pac'd.

Score: 2

A friend asked me what it was like to holiday in Cuba. I couldnt answer, I Havana been there before.

Score: 2

I'm going on holiday to the future... I'm staying in a timeshare

Score: 1

What's a communist pirates favourite holiday destination? The U.S.S. Arrrghhh

Score: 1

What's the most confusing holiday? Well for Caitlyn Jenner it's Father's Day and Mother's Day

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What's grey and has a big trunk? A mouse going on holiday.

Score: 3

Columbus Day is a really sore subject for me. It's so hard for me to honor the holiday while ignoring one of the biggest crimes in human history... The introduction of Tobacco into western society.

Score: 2

Every time I go on holiday... Every time I go on holiday my wife gets pregnant. I've decided I'm taking her with me next time!

Score: 4

Just got back from holiday. Decided to fly with BA Never doing that again.

The entire way back he was like 'get me of this plane fool!'

Score: 2

Hanukkah is a truly Jewish holiday. What other group of people would celebrate saving on oil?

Score: 1

What's the Kardashian's favorite Holiday? Black Friday.

Score: 1

What do you call a mix between holiday poultry and a ghoul? A gobblin. I'll see myself out...

Score: 1

What is the Japanese girls favorite holiday? Erection day!

Score: 1

I feel like Mammorial Day would be a much less somber day. In fact, it would probably be the breast holiday of the year.

Score: 4

We should all be thanking Subway for their humanitarian efforts this holiday season... ...as their former spokesperson, Jared, touched many children...

Score: 2

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