Saw two blind people fighting today.
I said, "I think that the guy with the knife will win!" They both ran away.
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp
The host asked me: What are you?
Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.
Host: Your costume is too short to be a harp
Me: Are you calling me a lyre?
Edit: grammar mistakes :P
I asked the grammar police about a crime in the capital... They told me that case was sensitive.
Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers?
I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive.
If you sit on your hands 15 minutes before filling in an exam,
it feels like somebody else is disappointing for your teacher.
I have a boomerang joke I can’t think of it though it might come back to me
All I remember is that it went over people’s heads
Farther = physical distance
Further = metaphorical distance
Father = emotional distance
The grammar teacher said "In English, two negatives make an affirmative, but two affirmatives never make a negative." A student replied... "Yeah, right!"
I have an EpiPen...
My friend gave it to me as he was dying...It seemed pretty important to him that I have it, I'll cherish it always.
My wife sent me a text that said, "Your great!"
So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, Your're great!"
She has been walking around all day happy and smiling.
Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or just leave it?
I got pulled over by the Grammar Police. The cop was pretty passive about the sentence he handed me.
In case your parachute does not open
You have a lifetime ahead of you to fix it.
Good Grammar is the Difference...
* Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse
* Helping your Uncle jack off a horse
Did you hear about the poor chap who got smashed in the head by a grammar textbook? He remains in a comma.
As I read my son's suicide letter, I couldn't help but feel that I had failed him as a parent.... His grammar and spelling were terrible.
Husband: I cheated on you once
Wife: well if we are coming clean I cheated on you too
Husband: haha April First!
Wife: it was May 17
How many grammar mistakes does it take to piss off your English teacher?
(Just thought of it, tell me what you think :) )
Helpful Grammar tips
Farther is for physical distance.
Further is for metaphorical distance.
And Father is for emotional distance.
Grammar is important...
... it's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Edit: I missed a lette
Whats the difference between Usain bolt and Hitler?
Usain bolt can finish a race.
Remember kids the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Trees are allergic to bees..
..when bees get too close, [they break out in hives.] (/spoiler)
What do you say when somebody is getting way ahead of themselves?
They're counting their chickens before they get laid.
(I know, but it's not funny if you use the proper grammar "are laid")
Dinner with my friends
I was at my friends house for dinner when his mum asked if I wanted any potatoes. I said, "One please."
She said there was no need to be polite so I said, "Okay. One please you stupid cow."
EDIT: Grammar Error
I failed my grammar exam today. Apparently, "before Christmas" was not a good example for present tense.
I tried to tell someone the joke about synonym rolls like grammar used to make... But it seemed like they'd *noun* about it for a while!
Teacher talking to a young black student.
Teacher: It's a simple grammar question Leroy!.
"What comes at the end of a sentence?"
I was at a job interview and the interviewer asked me about punctuality I went on about how it was good to speak clearly and politely, and it was nice to use proper grammar in speech and writing.
Why did the strict grammar teachers break up? He missed a colon, she missed a period, and they both hated contractions.
My wife just sent me a text saying...”Your great.!”
So naturally I write back “no you’re great.!”
She’s been walking around all happy and smiling all day..
Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or just leave it...?
Proper grammar and punctuation are important. They’re the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
My wife sent me a text that said, "Your great".
So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great".
She's been walking around all happy and smiling. Should I tell her, that I was just correcting her grammar or should I leave it?
Why is nostalgia like a grammar lesson? Because you find the present tense and the past perfect.
Math teachers don't know proper grammar
I asked one who or what is the most imaginary thing in his opinion.
He said "I is".
A woman called me ugly until she found how much mani I have
Then she called me ugly and poor.
Oh, an update, she called me bad at grammar too.
A quick grammar lesson
Doesn't = does not
They're = they are
You're = you are
My fire = the one desire
Believe = when I say
I want it = that way
What was your favourite pastry that Grammar used to make? Mine was the delicious synonym rolls and my adjective was to eat at least half of them off the plate
Punctuation and grammar makes all the difference Proper punctuation and grammar is the difference between “helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse” and “helping your uncle jack off a horse”.
I had to break up with my girlfriend because she had bad breathe...
... I guess it just wasn't mint to be.
Edit: Sorry grammar police, I can't edit the title. But thanks for keeping the mean streets clear of unwarranted use of the letter "e".
What happened to the grammar teacher who got arrested for public nudity? They recieved a none-on sentence.