Grammar Jokes

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Funniest Grammar Jokes

Funny Grammar Jokes

Saw two blind people fighting today. I said, "I think that the guy with the knife will win!" They both ran away.

Edit: Grammar

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp The host asked me: What are you?

Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.

Host: Your costume is too short to be a harp

Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

Edit: grammar mistakes :P

I named my son Gram It's short for Grammar because he was supposed to be a period.

I asked the grammar police about a crime in the capital... They told me that case was sensitive.

Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers? I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive.

edit: grammar

What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A woman

EDIT: Grammar

If you sit on your hands 15 minutes before filling in an exam, it feels like somebody else is disappointing for your teacher.

Edit: grammar

I have a boomerang joke I can’t think of it though it might come back to me All I remember is that it went over people’s heads

Edit: Grammar

Synonym rolls... Just like grammar used to make.

Grammar tip Farther = physical distance

Further = metaphorical distance

Father = emotional distance

The grammar teacher said "In English, two negatives make an affirmative, but two affirmatives never make a negative." A student replied... "Yeah, right!"

I have an EpiPen... My friend gave it to me as he was dying...It seemed pretty important to him that I have it, I'll cherish it always.

edit: grammar

My Wife My wife sent me a text that said, "Your great!"

So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, Your're great!"

She has been walking around all day happy and smiling.

Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or just leave it?

What's a grammar teacher's favorite dessert? SYNONYM ROLLS!

How do you comfort a grammar fanatic? Their, they're, there

I got pulled over by the Grammar Police. The cop was pretty passive about the sentence he handed me.

In case your parachute does not open You have a lifetime ahead of you to fix it.

Edit: grammar

Tonight I made some synonym rolls Just like Grammar used to make

I made synonym rolls Just like what grammar used to make.

Good Grammar is the Difference... ...between

* Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse

and

* Helping your Uncle jack off a horse

How do you console somebody with bad grammar skills? There, their, they're.

Mom just made some synonym rolls Just like Grammar used to make.

Did you hear about the poor chap who got smashed in the head by a grammar textbook? He remains in a comma.

As I read my son's suicide letter, I couldn't help but feel that I had failed him as a parent.... His grammar and spelling were terrible.

How do you comfort a grammar fanatic? their, there, they're.

Husband: I cheated on you once Wife: well if we are coming clean I cheated on you too

Husband: haha April First!

Wife: it was May 17

E: grammar

I just blocked someone for correcting my grammar and it feelded good.

How many grammar mistakes does it take to piss off your English teacher? not alot.


(Just thought of it, tell me what you think :) )

Helpful Grammar tips Farther is for physical distance.

Further is for metaphorical distance.

And Father is for emotional distance.

What is "Worse then the Holocaust"? Poor Grammar

Grammar is important... ... it's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Edit: I missed a lette

I baked some synonym buns this morning Just like grammar used to make.

Whats the difference between Usain bolt and Hitler? Usain bolt can finish a race.

Edit: Grammar

Remember kids the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

How do you comfort a grammar fanatic? There, they're, their.

Trees are allergic to bees.. ..when bees get too close, [they break out in hives.] (/spoiler)

Original joke!
Edit: Grammar

Grammar is bringing dessert. The synonym rolls are amazing

You wont hear a pterodactyl urinate ..because its pee is silent

Edit: grammar

Grammar lesson Two people were camping in a campground. The first says, "I think I'll go for a run." The second replies, "Don't you mean 'ran,' since it's past tents?"

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New Grammar Jokes

What do you say when somebody is getting way ahead of themselves? They're counting their chickens before they get laid.

(I know, but it's not funny if you use the proper grammar "are laid")

Heights Of Insult By A Grammar Freak Girl. Girl To Boy: "You Are As Useless As Ay In Okay"

Can grammar speak? No, gramercies.

How many grammar police does it take to change a lightbulb? Too

I blocked a girl for correcting my grammar It feelded good

Poor grammar and the Coronavirus both made me.. [sic]

Dinner with my friends I was at my friends house for dinner when his mum asked if I wanted any potatoes. I said, "One please."

She said there was no need to be polite so I said, "Okay. One please you stupid cow."

​

EDIT: Grammar Error

Two peanuts walking in an alley One of them was a salted

Edit: grammar

I failed my grammar exam today. Apparently, "before Christmas" was not a good example for present tense.

I tried to tell someone the joke about synonym rolls like grammar used to make... But it seemed like they'd *noun* about it for a while!

Teacher talking to a young black student. Teacher: It's a simple grammar question Leroy!.

"What comes at the end of a sentence?"

Leroy: Parole?

I was at a job interview and the interviewer asked me about punctuality I went on about how it was good to speak clearly and politely, and it was nice to use proper grammar in speech and writing.

Grammar tells us, " 'i' before 'e' except after 'c' "... But science tells us otherwise.

Why did the strict grammar teachers break up? He missed a colon, she missed a period, and they both hated contractions.

My wife just sent me a text saying...”Your great.!” So naturally I write back “no you’re great.!”

She’s been walking around all happy and smiling all day..

Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or just leave it...?

Proper grammar and punctuation are important. They’re the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

So many people are bothered about correct grammar But I couldn't care fewer

My grammar school is too cheap to have mouses for our computers They have mice

Its bad grammar to miss a contraction... ...but adding an unnecessary suffix is worser.

My wife sent me a text that said, "Your great". So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great".

She's been walking around all happy and smiling. Should I tell her, that I was just correcting her grammar or should I leave it?

How do you console someone with bad grammar skills? There, their, they're.

Why is nostalgia like a grammar lesson? Because you find the present tense and the past perfect.

Declare grammar puns! Give me all your grammar puns, it's imperative!

Math teachers don't know proper grammar I asked one who or what is the most imaginary thing in his opinion.
He said "I is".

A woman called me ugly until she found how much mani I have Then she called me ugly and poor.
Oh, an update, she called me bad at grammar too.

My grammar has suffered since I became a vegetarian I mistakes.

A quick grammar lesson Doesn't = does not

They're = they are

You're = you are

My fire = the one desire

Believe = when I say

I want it = that way

I make synonym rolls Just like grammar used to make

I just blocked someone on Facebook for correcting my grammar and it feelded great!

I don't objectify women. But grammar does.

What was your favourite pastry that Grammar used to make? Mine was the delicious synonym rolls and my adjective was to eat at least half of them off the plate

Punctuation and grammar makes all the difference Proper punctuation and grammar is the difference between “helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse” and “helping your uncle jack off a horse”.

What do you call the basic unit of grammar when it walks into a maze? A lost clause.

Grammar is weird yes, it's

Friend: Have you ever smoked Smarties? Me: Is that when you shoot up a grammar school?

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she had bad breathe... ... I guess it just wasn't mint to be.


Edit: Sorry grammar police, I can't edit the title. But thanks for keeping the mean streets clear of unwarranted use of the letter "e".

What did Shakespeare say to Yoda? Methinks that thou cannot with grammar speak.

What do you say to a crying grammar teacher? Their, there, they're

What happened to the grammar teacher who got arrested for public nudity? They recieved a none-on sentence.

I want to get better at grammar so I was reading about the indefinite article. It went on forever.

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Long Grammar Jokes

A man orders a coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.


A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.

The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.

Edit: Grammar teehee!

Edit 2: This got more attention then expected.. No karma for text post though!

A guy with a stutter.

A guy is standing at a bus stop when another man walks up to him and says,
"C-c-c-c-c-an y-y-ou t-t-tell m-me the t-t-t-t-time?"
The first guy just ignores him.
"P-p-p-p-please, c-c-c-c-c-c-can y-y-y-you t-t-t-tell m-mme the t-t-t-time?"
He ignores him again.
"F-f-f-fine!" and he storms off.
Another guy at the bus stop turns to the first guy and says "Why didn't you tell him the time?"
"B-b-b-b-b-because I d-d-d-d-didn't w-want him t-t-t-to th-think I w-was m-m-making f-fun of h-him."
EDIT: Grammar

Crying Old Man

A man on a business trip finishes up his day and returns to his hotel late very and tired. Before going to bed, he decides to hit the hotel bar for a drink after a hard days work. He enters this popular hotel bar for traveling business men and sees quite a few other guys in the bar doing the same thing. However, he can't help to notice this old man crying.

He walks up and takes a seat next to the old man. He says to him "look old man I'm not sure why you're crying but my life is worse...my job works me 80 hour weeks, my kids hate me, and my ex-wife has taken everything! including 1/2 my income....what's so bad about your life?"

The old man replies "look son....I'm retired, my kids are self dependent / successful, and I have a hot young wife who cooks and sexes me every night"

He looks at the old man in confusion and disgust and says "how is that any worse than what I'm dealing with?"

The old man looks up and replies in tears "I forgot where I live"

Edit: some grammar

A man parks his car on the street and goes into a shop....

...When he comes out, the car is not where he left it and apparently was stolen. So he calls the police and hopelessly goes back home. Two days later, he finds his car at his front door, with a note left in:

“I am very sorry but I had to borrow your car, because my wife was in labor and about to give birth and I had to act quickly. I deeply apologize and send these front-row concert tickets for you and your wife to enjoy this tuesday evening.”

So the man and his wife go to the concert tuesday evening. When they return home, they realize someone broke in and the house was burgled. And a note was left on the floor: “Soo, did you like the concert? ”

Sorry for the terrible grammar :D

75 story hotel

Phil, Jim, and John were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a 75 story hotel. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear the elevators were broken, and they now had to climb 75 flights of stairs.

Phil said to Jim and John,"let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something more interesting. Hmm, I'll tell jokes the first 25 floors, Jim, you can sing songs the next 25 floors and John you can say your collection of sad stories."

The others agreed and they started the climb for their hotel room. At the 26th floor Phil stopped with his jokes and Jim started his songs. At the 51st floor songs stopped and John's sad stories started.

"I guess I'll begin with my saddest story first. I forgot the room key in the car."

(EDIT) FIXED THE GRAMMAR DAMMIT

A family got a new Lie Detector Machine

The Machine Would buzz whenever a lie was told, so the Father decided to test it out at Dinner.
The father asked,

"What did you do with your lunch money today at school,son?"

" I just bought lunch"

The Machine buzzed, and the kid starting sweating as the Mom and Dad looked at him, until finally saying,

"I used it to pay someone I owed money to"

The Machine Buzzed for a second time, so the Son stood up and told the truth.

"Fine, I used it to gamble on a poker game..."

The father scolded him, saying "I never gambled when I was your age!"

And the machine buzzed again. Everyone at the table started laughing. When the laughter cleared up, The mom looked at the father, spoke up and said,

"What can I say? He *is* your son after all"

And the Machine Buzzed again.

EDIT: Grammar error in the punchline.

A blonde walks into a library..

she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"

*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."

Edit: Grammar

A newbee hunter asked a experienced old hunter how to hunt bears

The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby. Firsrt, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear. Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It would also produce that same sound as a feedback. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy? "
The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months.
After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind. He asked him what happened.
The newbee says:" I did as what you told me before. But god damn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!"

PS: I saw this one days ago and translated it from Chinese to English. Might be some grammar errors.

Good Grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on
a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for
erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed
his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his
shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a
teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever
been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and
asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'"
he responded, "but when she does,
the medicine will not work again until the next full
moon."


He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home,
showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited
his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his
clothes and said,
"1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was
excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"


And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our
sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

He's just waiting for the train.

There is this lady who lives near a train station , every time the train passes her closet breaks , so she calls a man to fix it . The man comes over asks her what the problem is and tells her he's going to wait in the closet till the train comes and see why the closet breaks . After 15 minutes the ladies husband comes home , and goes straight to the closet , he sees the man , grabs him by the throat and asks him " What are you doing here ?" To which the man replies " Would you believe me if I told you I was here waiting for the train .. " Sorry for any grammar mistakes , not my first language .

Little Jimmy and Suzy are in class when their teacher begins to go over grammar and sentences.

The teacher looks at Suzy first and says
"Suzy can you use the word stupid in a sentence?
"Yes I can. Jimmy is very stupid."
"Great!" said the teacher. "Now can you use ugly in a sentence?"
"Jimmy is very ugly."
The teacher turns to Jimmy and says "Can you upstage her, Jimmy? Try using the word dictate in a sentence."
Jimmy looks at the teacher and without missing a beat says "I may be ugly and I may be stupid, but Suzy says my dictate good."

Bad memory

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

The bartender asks, “"What’s wrong?”" The old man looks at the bartender through

Teary eyes and between sobs says," I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,

Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.” "

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, "But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”"

The old man looks at the bartender and says, “"I can’t remember where I live!”"


Edit: grammar

A massive hailstorm ravages a town...

...leaving plenty of damage in its wake. A blonde takes her hailstone-dented car to a body shop to have the dents removed.

The body shop owner is already swamped with work due to the storm, and decides to have some fun with her. He tells the blonde: "You know, you don't have to pay me to have these removed. All you have to do is go home and blow into the tailpipe - all of your dents will pop out."

The blonde drives home, parks in her driveway, and blows into the tailpipe. Over and over she tries and tries, huffing and puffing but to no avail. The girl's roommate, another blonde, arrives home to see the first blonde laying in the driveway completely winded and asks what's going on. The first blonde explains what the mechanic told her, before ending with "I've been at this for an hour, but it's not working."

Roommate looks at the car for a moment before turning to the first blonde and says, "no duh it's not working! Your windows are open!!"

EDIT - grammar

A drunken man walks into a biker bar

sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.

edit: grammar

Grammar Lesson

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer:

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch.

A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.

So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.

The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.

The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine, put in a dollar and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to you or the machine?"

Edit: grammar

Two men are sat in a pub, both rather drunk.

One of the men fancies striking up a conversation with the bloke next to him, so he asks him "Hey pal, are you from around here?"

The second man responds "Aye, indeed I am. In fact I was born at St Mary's, just, around the corner."

The first man replies with "well I'll damned! I was born in the very same place! Well, if you're a local where'd ya go to school?"

"Saint Mark's Grammar School" He replies.

"Well what'd ya know, I went to the very same school! We mightve known each other! What's yer ma's name?"

"Me ma? Why, she's called Mary! Youre pulling my leg if you say that's the same with you!"

"Well knock me down and call me Andrew! Me Ma's name is the very same!"

The two men continue reminiscing about the town with each other, joking and chatting, when a third man walks in the pub and says to the bartender "Anything new?"

And the bartender responds "Nothing much, the O'Malley twins are wasted again though"

Only let the worst deaths into heaven...

It's a busy day in heaven, the queue is long and Saint Peter is interviewing everyone to get in. It's a busy day so God tells saint Peter to only let the people with the worst deaths in.

So the first guy goes up to Saint Peter and tells him his story. He was worried that his wife was cheating so he came home early from work. He tells saint Peter that he saw a man hanging from his balcony. The man then hammers at his hands and the guy falls into a bush, he is still alive. The man trying to get into heaven says "I then went to get a fridge and threw it down onto him, that killed him, however I then had a heart attack from the guilt of killing a man". Saint Peter then says, okay that's bad, you can come into heaven.

The next man then comes up to Saint Peter and tells him about his death. He told Saint Peter "I was working out on my balcony, I then slipped and grabbed onto the balcony below. Then some maniac came up to me, hammered at my hands and then threw a fridge onto me!". Saint Peter then replied "damn that's bad! Come through".

Finally, the next man came up to Saint Peter, Saint peter said "go on, how did you die", the man then replied "picture this, I'm hiding in a fridge".

Edit: Grammar

A schoolteacher quits his job to become a pirate...

In 18th century America, a schoolteacher decides that he's sick and tired of teaching spelling and grammar to children all day. So he quits his job, sells his house, and plans to become a pirate. He goes down the harbor to buy a boat and hire a crew. Once his crew is ready, they head out onto the high seas, with the captain/former teacher at the helm.

As they sail, they spy a merchant ship on the horizon and start chasing it. As they catch up, the captain tells the first mate to command the crew to start priming the cannons. The first mate sends the message down and the crew readies the cannonballs, prepares the gunpowder, and takes aim at the merchant ship. The first mate runs back up to the helm and says "captain, the cannons be ready!"

The captain turns to the first mate and says "are!"

My brother told me this. Feels like it belongs here.

A grammar teacher was lecturing his students on double negatives. He explains, "In some languages, take English, for example, if you were to use double negatives, it is the equivalent of a positive. It isn't considered proper grammar for that reason."

A student raises his hand. "Like in Algebra?"

"Exactly. However, in other languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. For those of you who are curious, there is no language where a double positive equals a negative."

A student piped up in the back. "Yeah, right."

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