Grammar Jokes

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand? The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

I once threw an abstinence party... And no one came.

Edit: grammar.

Saw two blind people fighting today. I said, "I think that the guy with the knife will win!" They both ran away.

Edit: Grammar

A woman is on trial... ...for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks, "First offender?"

The lady replies, "No your honor. First a Gibson then a Fender."

Edit: Grammar.

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp The host asked me: What are you?

Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.

Host: Your costume is too short to be a harp

Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

Edit: grammar mistakes :P

I named my son Gram It's short for Grammar because he was supposed to be a period.

Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park... Asked him "Why are you eating grass?"




He said "I am very hungry."





"Oh. Okay then. Come with me."





You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.




**Edit**: Grammar, thanks to /u/linktothepast99

I asked the grammar police about a crime in the capital... They told me that case was sensitive.

First rule of English grammar, Double negatives are a no no.

Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers? I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive.

edit: grammar

What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A woman

EDIT: Grammar

If you sit on your hands 15 minutes before filling in an exam, it feels like somebody else is disappointing for your teacher.

Edit: grammar

Synonym rolls... Just like grammar used to make.

What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar? There, they're, their...

Grammar tip Farther = physical distance

Further = metaphorical distance

Father = emotional distance

The grammar teacher said "In English, two negatives make an affirmative, but two affirmatives never make a negative." A student replied... "Yeah, right!"

I have an EpiPen... My friend gave it to me as he was dying...It seemed pretty important to him that I have it, I'll cherish it always.

edit: grammar

Math class Teacher asks Johnny:

"Imagine you have $200. And you give $50 to Jane, $50 to Suzi, $50 to Melissa. What would you have?"

"An orgy?"

Edited: names spelling, grammar.

Did you hear the CEO of Honda wont be back next year? He's leaving of his own accord.

Edit: grammar.

What do you get when you teach Android grammar? A droid

Dogs are like books The more you like them, the harder they are to put down.

Edit: Grammar.

My Wife My wife sent me a text that said, "Your great!"

So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, Your're great!"

She has been walking around all day happy and smiling.

Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or just leave it?

A son asks his dad what's the difference between Confident and Confidential The dad explains:
You are my son of that I am confident.
Your friend Billy across the street is also my son, that is Confidential

edit grammar for /r/Fudgegoblin

Wishing Well English is second language.... excuse grammar

My penny went whoosh whoosh down the wishing well
I was happy. Everyone around screaming. I threw quarter down, made wish, and now everyone mad about my wife penny

A woman texted me with the message, "Your adorable." I texted back, "No. YOU'RE adorable."

Now she's falling for me. I was only correcting her grammar.

What's a grammar teacher's favorite dessert? SYNONYM ROLLS!

Blonde walks up to a river... And sees another blonde over the river. She yells "How do I get to the other side?" The other blonde looks the river up and down and says "You ARE on the other side"

Edit: Grammar.

How do you comfort a grammar fanatic? Their, they're, there

I got pulled over by the Grammar Police. The cop was pretty passive about the sentence he handed me.

In case your parachute does not open You have a lifetime ahead of you to fix it.

Edit: grammar

How do you comfort a grammar buff? There, their, they're.

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear And the doctor says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."

(So much subtler as a spoken joke. If you don't get it, consider you're grammar lessons!) ;)

I'm 99% sure I have trust issues. Though I'm not sure I trust my math.

Edit: I grammar well

Its bad grammar to miss a contraction... ...but adding an unnecessary suffix is worser.

Why is grammar class the most boring? It puts all the students in a ,

What do you call an Android with perfect grammar? A droid.

What's common between a woman and a hurricane? When they come, they're wild and wet, and when they leave, they take the house and car with them.

Edit: Grammar

A police officer called the station on his radio "Uh... Sir, we got a interesting case in here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped"



"Have you arrested the women?"



"No... the floor's still wet"



Edit:Grammar

I had the court appearance for my encounter with the grammar police today... The judge gave me a run on sentence!