What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
...I'm so sorry.
Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p
Edit2: grammar, damnit
I once threw an abstinence party...
And no one came.
Saw two blind people fighting today.
I said, "I think that the guy with the knife will win!" They both ran away.
A woman is on trial...
...for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks, "First offender?"
The lady replies, "No your honor. First a Gibson then a Fender."
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp
The host asked me: What are you?
Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.
Host: Your costume is too short to be a harp
Me: Are you calling me a lyre?
Edit: grammar mistakes :P
I named my son Gram It's short for Grammar because he was supposed to be a period.
Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park...
Asked him "Why are you eating grass?"
He said "I am very hungry."
"Oh. Okay then. Come with me."
You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.
**Edit**: Grammar, thanks to /u/linktothepast99
I asked the grammar police about a crime in the capital... They told me that case was sensitive.
First rule of English grammar, Double negatives are a no no.
Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers?
I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive.
What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
If you sit on your hands 15 minutes before filling in an exam,
it feels like somebody else is disappointing for your teacher.
Synonym rolls... Just like grammar used to make.
What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar? There, they're, their...
Farther = physical distance
Further = metaphorical distance
Father = emotional distance
The grammar teacher said "In English, two negatives make an affirmative, but two affirmatives never make a negative." A student replied... "Yeah, right!"
I have an EpiPen...
My friend gave it to me as he was dying...It seemed pretty important to him that I have it, I'll cherish it always.
Teacher asks Johnny:
"Imagine you have $200. And you give $50 to Jane, $50 to Suzi, $50 to Melissa. What would you have?"
Edited: names spelling, grammar.
Did you hear the CEO of Honda wont be back next year?
He's leaving of his own accord.
What do you get when you teach Android grammar? A droid
Dogs are like books
The more you like them, the harder they are to put down.
My wife sent me a text that said, "Your great!"
So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, Your're great!"
She has been walking around all day happy and smiling.
Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or just leave it?
A son asks his dad what's the difference between Confident and Confidential
The dad explains:
You are my son of that I am confident.
Your friend Billy across the street is also my son, that is Confidential
edit grammar for /r/Fudgegoblin
English is second language.... excuse grammar
My penny went whoosh whoosh down the wishing well
I was happy. Everyone around screaming. I threw quarter down, made wish, and now everyone mad about my wife penny
A woman texted me with the message, "Your adorable."
I texted back, "No. YOU'RE adorable."
Now she's falling for me. I was only correcting her grammar.
What's a grammar teacher's favorite dessert? SYNONYM ROLLS!
Blonde walks up to a river...
And sees another blonde over the river. She yells "How do I get to the other side?" The other blonde looks the river up and down and says "You ARE on the other side"
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic? Their, they're, there
I got pulled over by the Grammar Police. The cop was pretty passive about the sentence he handed me.
In case your parachute does not open
You have a lifetime ahead of you to fix it.
How do you comfort a grammar buff? There, their, they're.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear
And the doctor says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."
(So much subtler as a spoken joke. If you don't get it, consider you're grammar lessons!) ;)
I'm 99% sure I have trust issues.
Though I'm not sure I trust my math.
Edit: I grammar well
Its bad grammar to miss a contraction... ...but adding an unnecessary suffix is worser.
Why is grammar class the most boring? It puts all the students in a ,
What do you call an Android with perfect grammar? A droid.
What's common between a woman and a hurricane?
When they come, they're wild and wet, and when they leave, they take the house and car with them.
A police officer called the station on his radio
"Uh... Sir, we got a interesting case in here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped"
"Have you arrested the women?"
"No... the floor's still wet"
I had the court appearance for my encounter with the grammar police today... The judge gave me a run on sentence!
What do you say when somebody is getting way ahead of themselves?
They're counting their chickens before they get laid.
(I know, but it's not funny if you use the proper grammar "are laid")
A blonde and a brunette stuck in an elevator. The blonde starts to shout: “HELP HELP”. The brunette says: “maybe we should shout together”. The blonde continues to shout: “TOGETHER TOGETHER”. Ps sorry for my grammar. Hope Zoe guys understand it:
My English teacher always says my grammar's bad. But yesterday she missed a period.
I had to break up with my girlfriend because she had bad breathe...
... I guess it just wasn't mint to be.
Edit: Sorry grammar police, I can't edit the title. But thanks for keeping the mean streets clear of unwarranted use of the letter "e".
Math majors have terrible grammar... How else can you explain them saying "pie are squared"?
If grammar nerds had a convention... ...it would be called Lexicon.
[Grammar Police Job Interview]
Interviewer: "What is you're greatest strength?"
Candidate: " **Your** "
Interviewer: "When can you start?!"
How do you comfort and annoy someone who is a stickler for grammar at the same time? Give them a reassuring pat on the shoulder and say "their their."
Apparently Donald Trump has banned all grated cheese in stores.
He's trying to make "America Grate Again"
Reposted because of grammar
What do you receive when you win a grammar contest? An Apostrophey!
My mate just told me he needs major surgery: he's having half his intestine removed. Edit: Grammar should have used a semi-colon
Why did the sentence stop going to his local grammar store? Because he was tired of paying the syntax.
I clearly remember the last words of my Indian grandfather.
"You must bring change in your country".
I never felt the meaning of them so profoundly than when I wanted a bag of crisps with a 1000 rupee bill.
Why is leather armor is the best for sneaking?
Because it's literally made of hide.
Edit : Excuse the horrible grammar of the title. This tends to happen when going off 4 hours of sleep and trying to be funny at 12 am :)
Knock knock! -Whose their? Grammar police!