Stoner Jokes

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Funniest Stoner Jokes

Funny Stoner Jokes

My stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap earlier today... He was high on my list of priorities...

My stoner neighbors got divorced but it's okay because they got joint custody

My girlfriend is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks. She's kind of high maintenance.

Did you hear about the stoner ghost? He got arrested for possession

What do you call a stoner with down syndrome? A baked potato.

What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner? A drunk drives right through a stop sign, a stoner waits for it to turn green.

What do you call a stoner working at a repair shop? High maintenance

I used to be a stoner in my home country... ...but then I started to respect women

Where do stoner cars store their weed? In potholes.

Stoner walks into a bar A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar

Blunt force trauma

How did the stoner propose to his girlfriend? “Marriage, you wanna?”

What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign? The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

What's the difference between a stoner and a Jew? A stoner gets baked on purpose

A cop pulls over a stoner The cop looks at him and asks "How high are you?" to which the stoner replies "No officer, the correct way to say it is Hi how are you."

What kind of poker do stoner cows play? High Steaks

What does a stoner with Parkinson’s disease do in the morning? Shake and bake.

What do you call a stoner lizard? Mariguana

My stoner friend rolled a joint using a page from my agenda notebook. He is high on my list of priorities.

What did the stoner say when he proposed to his girlfriend? Marriageyouwanna?

My stoner buddy just rolled a joint using a page from my agenda notebook. He is now high on my list of priorities.

What's the difference between a stoner and a Jew? A stoner gets baked more than once

How did the stoner die? From blunt force trauma

If a stoner was giving you orders... Would you address them as "your highness"?

A dyslexic stoner enters a competition. He comes out on pot.

What is the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver? The drunk driver passes a stop sign, the stoner waits for it to turn green.

How do you get a stoner to comprehend what you're saying? Put it bluntly.

What do you call a stoner who is also a nudist? Smokey the bare

Why is the stoner communist always top of his class? Because he gets high Marx

Anything recommended by a stoner Comes highly recommended.

Two Stoners are walking down the street. They pass a dog licking its balls. The first stoner says. boy I sure wish I could do that!! The second Stoner says you better pet him first.

What does a stoner use to cut wood? A saw dude

What does a stoner do if he sees a spaceman? He parks in it, dude.

What did the stoner say to the boulder? Rock on.

What's the difference between a stoner and a alcoholic? An alcoholic will run a stop sign while a stoner will wait for it to turn green

What did the Japanese stoner say? Toke yo

My stoner friend used my daily agenda notebook to roll up a joint. He is now high on my list of priorities.

What does a stoner cut down trees with? Ah sah dude

Why couldn't the stoner simplify his binomials in front of the class? Because a watched pothead never FOILS.

What do a cheezit and a hungry white stoner have in common? Both are baked snack crackers.

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New Stoner Jokes

What does a stoner call his money bag? Pottmonee.

What did the stoner say when someone tied his shoes together? "Damn. These are laced and I'm tripping!"

What do you call a sculpture that loves to get high A stoner

A group of stoner farmers wanted to come up with their own variation of “grass fed beef.” So, they fed cows weed and then sold the beef. It was a high steaks operation.

How did the vegetarian Stoner like his pizza? Herbivore, and herb after.

My little sister joke A stoner man took his door to a door repair services to fix it.

His friends asked he if wasn’t afraid that someone might break into the house and rob them.

He said, I am not afraid because I still have the keys.

What echo did the stoner hear today? Four twenty twenty twenty

I tried being a stoner for the first time today. The person I threw the rock at didn't appreciate it though.

What's the difference between a Mexican and a stoner? A stoner has papers

Dracula decides to target people who smoke weed He tells the other vampires to search for them. "Find them all, look everywhere, leave no stoner unturned"

What does a British stoner get at 5 pm? Teapot.

What do you call a stoner that lives in a mountain? A cave maaaan

What’s the difference between a stoner and the sun? 1s already burnt out. aaaaHA

Stoner joke If you wish for your genie to turn into a rock, they have to granite!

What is a stoner bro's favorite tool? A saw, dude

What do you call someone that speaks more than one language, and also smokes weed? A Rosetta Stoner

If a sarcastic stoner is high and dry... And the old plane's future is up in the air...

Then my joke started on a high note til I ended up winging it.

Are you a stoner Cuz I think weed be cute tother ;)

I almost never watch movies my stoner friends tell me to watch Even though they come highly recommended.

How do you make a stoner scared? Tell them that their joint is on fire.

What do you call a dumb stoner who’s been in the sun for too long? A twice baked potato!

Did you hear about the stoner who had a stash that never went stale or moldy? He used to spend hours stoned just staring at it... I guess it's true what they say, a watched pot never spoils.

What did the stoner have for dinner? Pot Roast

What do you call a stoner from Alaska? A baked Alaskan.

What did one stoner noodle say to the other? Pasta blunt homie.

My stoner friend is on the 'seaweed' diet... He sees weed, then smokes it in the parking lot at Red Lobster

How did the stoner feel when he jumped into a vat of marijuana infused vodka? He was in high spirits

Never mess with a Stoner they've got friends in high places.

Why did the jeweler buy weed? Because he was a stoner

What did the stoner musician hit me on the head with? A blunt instrument

My stoner friend didn't have any rolling papers so he asked if he could use my to-do list. He was high on my list of priorities.

Chem teacher Chemistry teacher asked the class if they'd ever heard of Amino acids.
My stoner buddy raises his hand and says "yeah if you drop too much of those you get amino headache!"

Stoner Proposal How does a stoner propose?
He says, "marry wanna?"

I once went high to my construction... I once went high to my construction job. The supervisor sent me home. Mfw I am the stoner that the builder refused.

What do you call a long haired stoner that does the things he tells others not to do? A hippie-crite!

Did you hear about the fundraiser for the school's stoner club? It was a baked sale.

An undercover cop approaches a career stoner and asked him, "Hey man, I'm looking to score some coke."

The stoner thinks about it for a moment and asks, "Is Pepsi okay?"

What is it called when a stoner falls down and starts shaking violently? A T.H.Seizure

A drunk driver will run a stop sign. A stoner will wait for it to turn green.

How do you get a one armed stoner out of a tree? Wave at them..

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Long Stoner Jokes

A stoner is smoking a joint at a hostel when a German guy turns up.

The German guy speaks no English, but the stoner is feeling good so he offers the German his joint. The German takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner nods approvingly, and for some reason begins to roll another joint. He takes a puff himself, and hands it to the German, and again the German guy takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner looks pretty taken aback, but again he nods approvingly and begins to roll yet another joint. Again he takes a puff and gives it to the German, and again the German takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner takes the joint looking downcast and says “I’m sorry dude, that’s the dankest one I’ve got.”

3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke from the bong.

Eventually, they detach muzzle the horse and the horse's eyes get bloodshot, it is visibly high.

As a consequence, the horse starts talking:

"You have awakened me", the horse says.

The stoners, shocked, reply, "whoa, you can talk?" In unison.

The horse proceeds to tell them that they must jerk him off or die.

The first stoner says "nuh-uh, i aint like that", and the horse mauls him and chews his face, killing him slowly.

The second stoner tries to escape, screaming "Id rather die than jerk off a horse!"

The horse opens a safe, takes out a shotgun, and unloads a shell into the second stoner, making him slowly bleed out to death.

The third stoner, horrified, approaches the horse and fulfills the act until the horse is finished. The horse then spares the third stoner, and leaves him a diamond worth a great fortune.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should get off your high horse.

Story of three stoners...

Three stoners buy a horse.

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke from the bong.

Eventually, they detach muzzle the horse and the horse's eyes get bloodshot, it is visibly high.

As a consequence, the horse starts talking:

"You have awakened me", the horse says.

The stoners, shocked, reply, "whoa, you can talk?" In unison.

The horse proceeds to tell them that they must jerk him off or die.

The first stoner says "nuh-uh, i aint like that", and the horse mauls him and chews his face, killing him slowly.

The second stoner tries to escape, screaming "Id rather die than jerk off a horse!"

The horse opens a safe, takes out a shotgun, and unloads a shell into the second stoner, making him slowly bleed out to death.

The third stoner, horrified, approaches the horse and fulfills the act until the horse is finished. The horse then spares the third stoner, and leaves him a diamond worth a great fortune.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should get off your high horse.

The Pope, the President, the Smartest Man on Earth, and a Stoner are on a plane.

The pilot comes over the intercom.

"Everyone, we've had some major hardware malfunctions. We're going to have to jump out. There are only 4 parachutes, and there are five of us. I'm the pilot, so I should live."

Before anyone can protest, the pilot grabs a parachute and jumps out.

The president speaks up.

"I am the ruler of the free world, and I need to live through this."

He grabs a parachute and jumps.

The smartest man on earth quickly grabs one as well.

"I'm the world's greatest genius, so I deserve a parachute."

He jumps out, leaving the Pope and the stoner to decide who gets to live.

"You are young and have a good life ahead of you," says the Pope. "I have lived a long and fruitful life, and my time to meet god has finally come. You should take the last parachute."

The stoner laughs.

"Relax, man. That smart dude grabbed my backpack."

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner

“How much for that TV set in the window?”
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, “I don’t sell stuff to potheads.” So the stoner tells the owner that he’ll quit smoking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, “I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?”
And the owner says, “I told you I don’t sell to potheads!” So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, “How much for that TV?”
The owner says, “I’m not going to tell you again, I don’t sell to potheads!!!”
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, “How can you tell I’m a pothead?”
The owner looks back and says, “Because that’s a microwave

HAPPY 4-20

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner,

"How much for that TV set in the window?"

The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads."

So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.

A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"

And the store owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!"

So the stoner leaves again.

He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"

The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!"

The giggling stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"

The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

A Girl and a Stoner Were Going on a Blind Date

The stoner suggested they meet at a buffet, and told her he will be the guy walking around with orange juice.

When he got there, they were out of orange juice so he got lemonade instead.

The girl came in and she was ugly, so the stoner kept his mouth shut.

She saw that he was the only one walking around with a drink so she came up to him and asked if he was the guy she hooked up with.

To which he replies: “I’m sorry ma’am, you got the wrong guy. This is lemonade, not orange juice.”

A stoner goes into a pawn shop

He looks around for a little while and sees a TV he really likes, so he goes up to the pawn shop owner and says "excuse me sir I'd like to buy that TV over there" the pawn shop owner says "I don't sell to stoners get out!"

The stoner leaves and a week later returns to the pawn shop and says to the owner, "sir I really want this TV will you please sell it to me?" once again the owner says "I don't sell to stoners get out!"

Once again the stoner leaves and a week later goes back to try again, once again he goes up to the owner and says "sir I really want this TV please sell it to me, and again the owner says," how many times do I have to tell you I DON'T SELL TO STONERS! "

now irritated and offended the stoner says" How do you even know that I am a stoner? " the pawn shop owner says

Because that's a Microwave

A stoner goes to the butcher

A stoner goes to the butchers shop and sees a cat meowing,he then tells the butcher to give the cat a pound of meat,after the cat finishes the meat she meows again,so the stoner tells the butcher to give her another pound of meat,while the cat is finishing the second pound of meat,the stoner leaves,so the butcher calls for him and asks him why hasn't he paid for the two pounds of meat? The stoner replies: The cat is going to pay,I was only translating.

John really loves black women, but can never seem to date one. He seeks help from his friends.

He meets up with them: "Guys, I am 27 years old. Soon I'll settle down with a nice girl and build a family. But whatever happens, I really want to date a black girl. I fear that when I'll get married, I won't ever be able to fulfill this desire of mine."


Robert, his stoner friend, suggests John: "John, I've known you for a while and you're a cool guy. I'll help you out."


"But how?!" says John.


"You must seek Stephen Hawking and ask for his advice."


"What?!" shouts John. "Why would an 80 year old physicist lecture me on how to date black women?"


"Now now, John." says Robert. "I'd trust him. After all, he's been studying black holes ever since he was a little boy."

There was a DEA agent who was a stoner on his off-time. His M.O. was that he always smoked weed at or near a dealer's house, and then staged a raid on that house, always with tear gas and smoke grenades. His motto:

First I smoke the joint. Then I smoke the joint.

A guy is sitting in his balcony on the first floor

stoned out of his mind he tries to get up but stumbles over the railing and lands on the top of a car.

People hear the crashing sound and rush towards him.

"What happened!" one of them asks.

The stoner replied "i dont know man, i just got here myself".

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