Who's the biggest hoe in history? Ms. Pac-man, because for 25 cents she swallows balls until she dies.
My ex used to hit me with musical instruments I didn't know that she had a history of violins.
Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."
Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...
Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'
Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."
I have a degree in men's studies. It's called "world history".
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will be a pizza history.
Edit: Thank you for getting this on the front page!
I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history? People would wait days in line for a single piece
Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy. But he really saved the History channel.
In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth... and Trump can not tell the difference
A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"
The man says, "Don't you mean history?"
The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"
Donald Trump truly made history... Winning an argument against a woman.
My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me! I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.
I spotted my ex girlfriend on the other side of the museum hall, but I was too self-conscious to go say hello. There was just too much history between us.
Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was just too much history between us.
"Why is there a Women's Studies Major, but not a Men's Studies Major" "There is a Men's Studies major, its called history"
Mugger: Give me all your stuff or you're science!
Me: Don't you mean history?
Mugger: Don't try to change the subject!
A British man visits Australia
A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"
The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"
Why don't Germans compete in marathons? They have a sad history of not finishing off races.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
A teen is telling his parents what he wants to major in
"I want to be a history major," he says.
The dad responds, "No you don't! There's no future in it!"
String Fight My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.
Most colleges have a women's studies major, but mine has a men's studies major too It's called "history"
It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-
A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.
Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.
Me reshaping history with one joke. I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography!
Teller: Don’t you mean History?
Robber: Don’t change the subject!
My nerd friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes. He is now Dr.Awkward.
So a guy walks into a bank with a gun and walks up to the teller...
Bank Robber: Put all your money in this bag or you're geography!
Bank Teller: Don't you mean history?
Bank Robber: Hey! Don't try to change the subject!
What's the opposite of women's studies? History.
If you have epilepsy, it's important to avoid reading Roman history books. It could cause a Caesar.
What country had a history of procrastination? Russia. At one point, they were all for Stalin.
Heard this from my History Professor.
Ronald Reagan had such high regard for the office of President that his jacket was never off.
Bill Clinton had such high regard for the office of President that his pants were never on.
Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history. Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot.
A joke from Civil War History Class today
Teacher asks: 'The southern plantations were very wealthy. Exactly how much of that wealth did the slaves get?'
Student answers: 'A whip'
Did you know Kim Khardashian's dad was a member of OJ Simpsons legal team? So the whole family has a history of getting black guys off
Why was 9/11 one of the worst episodes in American History? It was the pilot
They all laughed at me when I said I’ll be the funniest comedian in history But now, no ones laughing.
So a couple months back I had to watch a holocaust documentary for history class Guess how I failed no nut november
I decided to learn the history behind Japanese animation It was a bizarre adventure
Studys showed the best joke in the history of man My hopes and dreams
In history, a bunch of people in Islam like Al Khwarizmi studies square roots I mean, what is up with these Muslim radicals?
What does a series of spaceships named "San" and American Military History have in common? San Juan
My dad would be great on "Drunk History" Every night he drinks a bottle of Jim Beam and talks about the Vietnam War.
Isaac Newton died a virgin I have a one up on history’s greatest scientist Because I’m not dead
How did osama bin laden do on his history exam? He bombed it.
An artificially intelligent robot, called Aristo, just made history by passing an eight grade science test It’s data must be so proud
Where can you catch a tribute to history's greatest dramatic pauses? At Comma Con.
I don‘t like learning about the history of Buddhism Too much Dharma
My dads has been on the longest beer run in history I haven't seen him in 12 years
My nephew was doing her history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo? I said, "He was a poor boy, from a poor family."
What does Italy and Frankenstein have in common? They both have a bad history with the mob
Why are history teacher boring ? Because they tend to Babylon
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class? She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Does anyone know much about history I found a used tampon today and wondered what period it came from
I'm trying to understand these stories about world history... but they're all over the map.
Why did Mario find Koopa after he kidnapped the Princess and moved his castle so quickly? Because Koopa forgot to erase his Bowser History.
What do Europeans call American History? Current events
The British use the phrase "Long live the queen," & the queen is the longest lived monarch in history. So you'd think they would have realized that they would have realized there might be an issue always saying Princess Di...
I met a girl the other day and at first she was rather fun to be around but now she won't stop bringing up the past, It's never been the same since she got that history teacher job.
My girlfriend is really getting into current events! Her browser history is full of searches for BBC.
A history teacher asked his class "If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he have to say about the NFL protests?" A student raised his hand and said "If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, he'd probably say 'LET ME OUT OF THIS BOX'"
Who is the greatest general in US history? Motors
Columbus Day is a really sore subject for me. It's so hard for me to honor the holiday while ignoring one of the biggest crimes in human history... The introduction of Tobacco into western society.
TIFU telling my history teacher that the Russians sunk the Lusitania with a U-Boat Whoops, wrong sub.
You know, I haven't always been liberal You would see I'm a big fan of 80's Bush, if you check my search history.
Why was 9/11 the worst day in American history? Because on the 9th November Donald Trump was elected president
What moment is Batman History was the worst for Batman?
He lays an egg, smells bad, and Joker gets away.
Also his parents are dead.
Where does a hillbilly go to learn about his family's history? ~~Ancestry.com~~ Incestry.com
Why are there no men's studies classes? World history already exists
I recently saw a theatrical production about the history of the English language... it was such an incredible play on words.
I'm studying Feminism at my university It basically covers different periods in history.
American history in 7 words: "...otherwise they would have jumped us first".
American history in 5 words. As the parallel to the thread about Russian history, I would really like to have /u/HannasAnarion to write one about the US, because his summary of Russian history was amazing.
The worst aviation accident in the history of California... Did you hear about the single passenger plane that crashed into a cemetery last week? Top investigators are on it and they have already found over 700 corpses.