History Jokes


Funniest History Jokes

Funny History Jokes
Score: 11086

Who's the biggest hoe in history? Ms. Pac-man, because for 25 cents she swallows balls until she dies.

Score: 8634

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

Score: 8038

Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."

Score: 2340

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller... Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

Score: 2030

I have a degree in men's studies. It's called "world history".

Score: 1722

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will be a pizza history.

Edit: Thank you for getting this on the front page!

Score: 1636

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

Score: 1306

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history? People would wait days in line for a single piece

Score: 1122

Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy. But he really saved the History channel.

Score: 862

In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth... and Trump can not tell the difference

Score: 833

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!" The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

Score: 683

Donald Trump truly made history... Winning an argument against a woman.

Score: 606

My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me! I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

Score: 557

I spotted my ex girlfriend on the other side of the museum hall, but I was too self-conscious to go say hello. There was just too much history between us.

Score: 539

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

Score: 451

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

Score: 415

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was just too much history between us.

Score: 353

"Why is there a Women's Studies Major, but not a Men's Studies Major" "There is a Men's Studies major, its called history"

Score: 339

Mugger: Give me all your stuff or you're science! Me: Don't you mean history?

Mugger: Don't try to change the subject!

Score: 327

A British man visits Australia A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"

The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"

Score: 326

Why don't Germans compete in marathons? They have a sad history of not finishing off races.

Score: 303

A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!" "You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"

Score: 242

A teen is telling his parents what he wants to major in "I want to be a history major," he says.

The dad responds, "No you don't! There's no future in it!"

Score: 196

String Fight My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

Score: 190

Most colleges have a women's studies major, but mine has a men's studies major too It's called "history"

Score: 184

It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M- A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

Score: 177

Me reshaping history with one joke. I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Score: 176

A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography!

Teller: Don’t you mean History?

Robber: Don’t change the subject!

Score: 158

My nerd friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes. He is now Dr.Awkward.

Score: 142

What's the opposite of women's studies? History.

Score: 84

A guy runs into a bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and shouts, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!" Puzzled, the teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"

Score: 76

If you have epilepsy, it's important to avoid reading Roman history books. It could cause a Caesar.

Score: 58

Isn't it great to live in 21st century ? Where deleting history has become more important than making one.

Score: 48

My brother went down in history, On another occasion he fingered a girl in geography.

Score: 26

What country had a history of procrastination? Russia. At one point, they were all for Stalin.

Score: 25

Heard this from my History Professor. Ronald Reagan had such high regard for the office of President that his jacket was never off.

Bill Clinton had such high regard for the office of President that his pants were never on.

Score: 18

I went to see a theatrical performance on the history of language Turns out it was just a play on words.

Score: 18

Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history. Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot.

Score: 15

A joke from Civil War History Class today Teacher asks: 'The southern plantations were very wealthy. Exactly how much of that wealth did the slaves get?'

Student answers: 'A whip'

Score: 14

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New History Jokes

Who was the most successful Transgender and Transrace person in history? Michael Jackson. He grew up a poor, black boy, and died a rich, white woman.

Score: 5

What's the biggest lie in American history? You have 2 minutes uninterrupted.

Score: 2

Why did the dinosaur that overdosed on a steroid die? It took a large one, the rest is history.

Score: 1

So a couple months back I had to watch a holocaust documentary for history class Guess how I failed no nut november

Score: 0

I decided to learn the history behind Japanese animation It was a bizarre adventure

Score: 0

Studys showed the best joke in the history of man My hopes and dreams

Score: 0

In history, a bunch of people in Islam like Al Khwarizmi studies square roots I mean, what is up with these Muslim radicals?

Score: 0

What does a series of spaceships named "San" and American Military History have in common? San Juan

Score: 0

My dad would be great on "Drunk History" Every night he drinks a bottle of Jim Beam and talks about the Vietnam War.

Score: 4

For the first time in their franchise history, the Washington National’s are word series champions Everyone crowded the mound jumping up and down with pure joy, and the expression on their faces was completely Bryceless!

Score: 0

Isaac Newton died a virgin I have a one up on history’s greatest scientist Because I’m not dead

Score: 4

How did osama bin laden do on his history exam? He bombed it.

Score: 2

Where can you catch a tribute to history's greatest dramatic pauses? At Comma Con.

Score: 1

They all laughed at me when I said I’ll be the funniest comedian in history But now, no ones laughing.

Score: 6

Who is the most famous donkey in history? Donkey-ottie

Score: 3

The Mormon Prophet has banned Tomb Raider games... ...apparently they have fake Native American history in them that doesn't revolve around Native Americans being a lost tribe of Israel.

Score: 2

According to history, Julius Caesar was so religious... ...that he died a holy man.

Score: 3

History has been harsh on Hitler, but you've gotta give it to him ... ... he did kill Hitler.

Score: 7

I don‘t like learning about the history of Buddhism Too much Dharma

Score: 2

My dads has been on the longest beer run in history I haven't seen him in 12 years

Score: 2

My nephew was doing her history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo? I said, "He was a poor boy, from a poor family."

Score: 1

My grandfather went down in History He also fingered a girl in Geography

Score: 13

What does Italy and Frankenstein have in common? They both have a bad history with the mob

Score: 1

Why are history teacher boring ? Because they tend to Babylon

Score: 3

Does anyone know much about history I found a used tampon today and wondered what period it came from

Score: 4

I'm trying to understand these stories about world history... but they're all over the map.

Score: 2

Why was 9/11 one of the worst episodes in American History? It was the pilot

Score: 7

What do Europeans call American History? Current events

Score: 1

The British use the phrase "Long live the queen," & the queen is the longest lived monarch in history. So you'd think they would have realized that they would have realized there might be an issue always saying Princess Di...

Score: 4

I met a girl the other day and at first she was rather fun to be around but now she won't stop bringing up the past, It's never been the same since she got that history teacher job.

Score: 2

A history teacher asked his class "If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he have to say about the NFL protests?" A student raised his hand and said "If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, he'd probably say 'LET ME OUT OF THIS BOX'"

Score: 2

Who is the greatest general in US history? Motors

Score: 1

Columbus Day is a really sore subject for me. It's so hard for me to honor the holiday while ignoring one of the biggest crimes in human history... The introduction of Tobacco into western society.

Score: 2

TIFU telling my history teacher that the Russians sunk the Lusitania with a U-Boat Whoops, wrong sub.

Score: 1

On 9/11, one of the worst things in American history occured... Condolences from the UK on Trump winning the election.

Score: 4

Why was 9/11 the worst day in American history? Because on the 9th November Donald Trump was elected president

Score: 2

Things that have occurred in history since the Chicago Cubs last won a World Series... I had an ice cream cone. That I dripped all over myself.

Score: 2

What moment is Batman History was the worst for Batman? Christmas.

He lays an egg, smells bad, and Joker gets away.

Also his parents are dead.

Score: 2

Me and my Girlfriend just broke up We had different views on history, I wanted to Hitler and she was just Stalin.

Score: 1

What is the worst thing about Ancient History Class? The teachers tend to Babylon

Score: 5

Why are there no men's studies classes? World history already exists

Score: 3

My history teacher found a tampon He's still trying to figure out what period it's from.

Score: 7

In history class we got to read on a WW2 topic of our choice. I chose the Manhattan Project. I heard it was the bomb.

Score: 4

Best actor of all time in human history. Also Starring

Score: 1

I'm studying Feminism at my university It basically covers different periods in history.

Score: 3

American history in 7 words: "...otherwise they would have jumped us first".

Score: 1

Did you hear about the new Call of Duty Game? It's called Call of Duty: Sepoys

You press F to refuse to open your cartridge.

This ones for /r/history

Score: 1

The History Channel +1. Where History repeats itself.

Score: 1

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