History Jokes


Funniest History Jokes

Funny History Jokes
Score: 11086

Who's the biggest hoe in history? Ms. Pac-man, because for 25 cents she swallows balls until she dies.

Score: 8634

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

Score: 8038

Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."

Score: 2340

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller... Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

Score: 2030

I have a degree in men's studies. It's called "world history".

Score: 1722

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will be a pizza history.

Edit: Thank you for getting this on the front page!

Score: 1636

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

Score: 1306

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history? People would wait days in line for a single piece

Score: 1122

Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy. But he really saved the History channel.

Score: 862

In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth... and Trump can not tell the difference

Score: 833

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!" The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

Score: 683

Donald Trump truly made history... Winning an argument against a woman.

Score: 606

My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me! I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

Score: 557

I spotted my ex girlfriend on the other side of the museum hall, but I was too self-conscious to go say hello. There was just too much history between us.

Score: 539

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

Score: 451

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

Score: 415

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was just too much history between us.

Score: 353

"Why is there a Women's Studies Major, but not a Men's Studies Major" "There is a Men's Studies major, its called history"

Score: 339

Mugger: Give me all your stuff or you're science! Me: Don't you mean history?

Mugger: Don't try to change the subject!

Score: 327

A British man visits Australia A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"

The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"

Score: 326

Why don't Germans compete in marathons? They have a sad history of not finishing off races.

Score: 303

A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!" "You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"

Score: 242

A teen is telling his parents what he wants to major in "I want to be a history major," he says.

The dad responds, "No you don't! There's no future in it!"

Score: 196

String Fight My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

Score: 190

Most colleges have a women's studies major, but mine has a men's studies major too It's called "history"

Score: 184

It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M- A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

Score: 177

Me reshaping history with one joke. I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Score: 176

A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography!

Teller: Don’t you mean History?

Robber: Don’t change the subject!

Score: 158

My nerd friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes. He is now Dr.Awkward.

Score: 142

ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

Score: 115

A person with a four year degree majoring in history walks into a bar. They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

Score: 110

What's the opposite of women's studies? History.

Score: 84

My ex wife used to hit me with stringed instraments If only I had known she had a history of violins

Score: 82

A guy runs into a bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and shouts, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!" Puzzled, the teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"

Score: 76

My wife asked me why I never go to Confession. I told her I just clear my browser history when I want to wash away my sins.

Score: 61

If you have epilepsy, it's important to avoid reading Roman history books. It could cause a Caesar.

Score: 58

I'm not panicking yet about ISPs selling my browser history to advertising companies... On the other hand, when they offer to sell my browsing history to my wife, that would be the appropriate time to panic!

Score: 56

Everybody is saying Harvey Weinstein is the worst person in history, but I think they're forgetting that Hitler is the worst person in history I mean if he finished what he started, we wouldn't have to deal with Weinstein

Score: 56

I hate it when I hate it when engineering students call themselves engineer.
I don't see medical students calling themselves doctor or history students calling themselves unemployed

Score: 55

Popular Topics

New History Jokes

Who was the most successful Transgender and Transrace person in history? Michael Jackson. He grew up a poor, black boy, and died a rich, white woman.

Score: 5

My dad would be great on "Drunk History" Every night he drinks a bottle of Jim Beam and talks about the Vietnam War.

Score: 4

Isaac Newton died a virgin I have a one up on history’s greatest scientist Because I’m not dead

Score: 4

They all laughed at me when I said I’ll be the funniest comedian in history But now, no ones laughing.

Score: 6

According to history, Julius Caesar was so religious... ...that he died a holy man.

Score: 3

History has been harsh on Hitler, but you've gotta give it to him ... ... he did kill Hitler.

Score: 7

My grandfather went down in History He also fingered a girl in Geography

Score: 13

Why are history teacher boring ? Because they tend to Babylon

Score: 3

Does anyone know much about history I found a used tampon today and wondered what period it came from

Score: 4

Why was 9/11 one of the worst episodes in American History? It was the pilot

Score: 7

My brother went down in history, On another occasion he fingered a girl in geography.

Score: 26

The British use the phrase "Long live the queen," & the queen is the longest lived monarch in history. So you'd think they would have realized that they would have realized there might be an issue always saying Princess Di...

Score: 4

Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history. Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot.

Score: 15

So, there's this book all about watches. It tells you about the history of watches, how they work, all sorts of things. It's coming out tomorrow.

It's about time.

Score: 6

What is it called when a History major doesn't get laid? The non-intercourse act

Score: 4

I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot, covered in cream, and purchased from a large multinational corporation with a history of exploitation

Score: 18

Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius. Because I'm not dead.

Score: 30

I didn't study for the Canadian History test and still got a hundred It was easy, all the answers were A

Score: 6

What's the male equivalent of gender studies? History

Score: 4

I had a D in my history class Just like how Oedipus had a D in his mother.

Score: 4

I love my Ancient History class... But my teacher tends to Babylon.

Score: 19

What is a lion's favorite period of American History? The Roaring Twenties!!


Score: 7

Winston Churchill said, "History will be kind me, for I intend to write it." Nowadays, history will be kind to me because I intend to delete it.

Score: 4

A short history of Poland: "And then it got worse."

Score: 51

History jokes ... those who hear them are doomed to repeat them.

Score: 5

Lucy, Linus, and Charlie Brown are assigned a history project. Each person was assigned a country to report on.

“Wow!” Lucy said. “I got Italy!”

“Interesting” exclaimed Linus. “I got Germany.”

With dismay, Charlie Brown said, “I got Iraq.”

Score: 29

I'm reading a book about Swedish automotive history. It's a real Saab story.

Score: 8

Arnold Schwarzenegger is asked in an interview... If you could be reincarnated as any famous musician in history, Who would it be.

He replies "I'll be Bach."

Score: 7

Just finished reading a book on the history of tampons. Very absorbing

Score: 4

My friend studies history in college I told him there's no future in it.

Score: 42

History is not made by those who use Incognito mode.. Said by a Firefox user.

Score: 5

Girl, am I a loan offered to ppl with impeccable credit and a long history of timely payments? Bc I have 0 interest

Score: 7

Hitler was a hero... He single handedly ended the Holocaust, and killed one of the most evil people from history!

Score: 8

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun and points it at the teller… “Give me all your money or you’re geography.” he says.

The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”

The robber says, “Don’t change the subject.”

Score: 50

Those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it. Those who fail to clear their history are doomed to explain it.

Score: 25

There have been two presidential impeachments in the history of the United States... One involved a Johnson from the south and some violations relating to a staff member and the other was the 1868 impeachment of Andrew Johnson.

Score: 3

No matter what you think about Trump there is one thing you have to give him credit for... ...he really tries hard to end the worst presidency in history.

Score: 5

Who are the fastest story readers in history? 9/11 victims because they went through hundreds of stories in a few seconds.

Score: 6

Did you know that Stephen Hawking wrote a cookbook? It's called A Brief History of Thyme.

Score: 5

The person who discovered Uranus Went down in the anals of history

Score: 4

What country had a history of procrastination? Russia. At one point, they were all for Stalin.

Score: 25

Polish history in five words: Stuck between Germany & Russia.

Score: 14

You can get a degree in Women's studies, but you can't get a degree in Men's studies. Well, technically you can: history.

Score: 4

I've been reading a really interesting book about the history of superglue. .. I can't put it down

Score: 4

Have you ever wondered why they have a women's studies major in colleges but no men's studies major? Well actually they do, it's called World History.

Score: 3

Why was Peach mad at Mario? He forgot to delete his Bowser history.

Score: 8

I have my world history final today. Which makes sense, considering it's also the final day of world history.

Score: 5

New Series For The The History Channel The History Channel is planning a new series, “Airline Tragedies.”

They are putting the pilot together as I write this.

Score: 10

On 9/11, one of the worst things in American history occured... Condolences from the UK on Trump winning the election.

Score: 4

A legendary quote by Mahatma Gandhi "History is not created by those who browse in incognito mode"

Score: 12

This years Olympics in Rio is going to be one of the most steady and relaxing Games in history No one will be Russian.

Score: 10

I went to see a theatrical performance on the history of language Turns out it was just a play on words.

Score: 18

What is the worst thing about Ancient History Class? The teachers tend to Babylon

Score: 5

Isn't it great to live in 21st century ? Where deleting history has become more important than making one.

Score: 48

Why are there no men's studies classes? World history already exists

Score: 3

My history teacher found a tampon He's still trying to figure out what period it's from.

Score: 7

In history class we got to read on a WW2 topic of our choice. I chose the Manhattan Project. I heard it was the bomb.

Score: 4

I'm studying Feminism at my university It basically covers different periods in history.

Score: 3

A joke from Civil War History Class today Teacher asks: 'The southern plantations were very wealthy. Exactly how much of that wealth did the slaves get?'

Student answers: 'A whip'

Score: 14

Heard this from my History Professor. Ronald Reagan had such high regard for the office of President that his jacket was never off.

Bill Clinton had such high regard for the office of President that his pants were never on.

Score: 18

Popular Topics