One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”
His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $20.00.”
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have migraines. You need to take better care of yourself. Get daily rest, drink a lot and avoid bright lights, stress, and strain. See me again in 2 weeks.
During the next 2 weeks, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even added some oil from his car.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00, again stating he had a bad headache. He waited curiously to see what the computer will say about the odd mix. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water has too much waste in it.
Your dog has ringworms.
Your teenage daughter is pregnant.
Your wife has had 5 different lovers in the past six months.
Also, your car needs a new radiator.
And you wonder why you have a headache?
Give a man an egg and he’ll eat for a day Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you’re “taking science too far.”
A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...
...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".
Science built skyscrapers and airplanes But only religion can bring the two together.
Why are there a ton of Religious Holidays but no Science Holidays? Because science works.
Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me: It took him a couple bytes
Faith vs Science I’m not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I’ve seen what it can do to skyscrapers.
Science created skyscraper and planes. Religion brought them together.
I don't like computer science jokes.. Not one bit
If I was being subjective, I'd say the greatest science fiction show of all time was Doctor Who, but if I was being objective... I'd say it was Doctor Whom.
There are 2 truly difficult problems in Computer Science
0: Naming things
1: Cache invalidation
2: Off by one errors
I'm thinking of donating my body to science It's taking up too much space in the freezer.
A science graduate asks the question why?
A science graduate asks the question why?
An engineering graduate asks the question how?
An arts graduate asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
The science major asks "Why does it work?"
The engineering major asks "How does it work?"
The business major asks "How much will it cost?"
The liberal arts major asks "Do you want fries with that?"
Mike Pence doesn't believe in science But he wants to use electricity to turn fruits into vegetables
On Earth, science is driven by curiosity On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.
What do you call it when computer science majors make fun of each other? Cyber boolean
How do you hide money from a Republican? Put it in a science textbook.
Science and Religion have to coexist because science can make a bomb, But you do need a religious person to set it off.
I came up with a science joke...
Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?
They have a big carbon footprint...
According to Science Alcohol is a solution.
If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Science Fiction is "Doctor Who." But if I'm being completely objective... I'd say it's "Doctor Whom."
Medical science still doesn't have a cure for premature ejaculation, but researchers say it's coming quickly.
A person with a science degree asks "why does it work?" A person with an engineering degree asks: "how does it work?" A person with an accounting degree asks: "how much does it cost?" A person with an art degree asks: "do you want fries with that?"
My health science teacher told me to write a 1,000 word essay on drugs The paper became a taco and the floor was melting.
Did you hear about the science experiment where they successfully transferred human DNA into a dog? They say the scientist spent too much time in the lab.
Science flies you to the moon Religion flies you into buildings
Science creates airplanes and skyscrapers, Faith brings them together
I was always told "i before e except after c" It sounds weird but I guess it's just science
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well that's not gonna happen.".
Science Builds Planes and Skyscrapers... Faith brings them together.
What is the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can’t hear an enzyme.
I like telling science puns... Just to see the reaction...
Science builds airplanes & skyscrapers... ...and faith brings them together.
The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class.
She said, "Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anybody tell me why?"
The quick witted retort came flying back "Well miss have you seen the size of moth balls?"
The girls in my computer science class are like the matrix All you see is a bunch of ones and zeroes
Medical science still does not have a cure for premature ejaculation. But researchers say it's coming quickly.
When I die I want my body to be donated to science Specifically, a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.
What does Neil Degrasse Tyson say to pickup a lady?
"Hey, would you like to get astro physical with my dark matter?"
Edit: I hope Neil sees this. That's my dream. I love everything he has done for the science community.
My wife just said, “I just don’t understand the science behind human cloning.” I said, “That makes two of us.”
We can't find aliens for the same reason aliens can't find us All their science people must be looking for a round earth.
A father came to school
His son's teacher is reaing his grades: "English F, Math F, Science F..."
Father: "What? My son is gonna fail!"
Teacher: "Let's bet 100 bucks he won't"
"Quark!" - said the science duck.
What did the math book say to the science book? You got no problems
The most popular science show in US nowaday Dee Nial the anti-science guy.
We’re studying ‘light’ in science class and the teacher asks if she’s clear “No ma’am, you’re opaque.”
Why couldn’t bob and Doug get their microphones working? Because it’s not rocket science
Finally, i before e except after c has been disproven by science
A group of dogs is called a pack. But What is a group of science dogs called? A hypawthesis.
Model predicts 30% of Americans will die from Covid-19 but honestly nobody cares about your predictions Karlie Kloss. Let's leave the science to the scientists.
We have two ways to deal with the coronavirus. A) Accept science now
B) *vent later*
Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.
My friend doesn't believe anything the Science Guy says... I guess he de-Nyes everything.
Why will space be a popular tourist spot?
The view is breathtaking and will leave you speechless
Only science geeks will understand
Our Earth Science Class took a fieldtrip to a place where scientists drill through sedimentary rocks for specimens of local strata, but I didn't really enjoy the trip. It was just boring.
What do you call a Computer Science course designed for women? Object oriented programming
I used to have a science teacher That used to throw dissected hearts at students and shout "Heart Attack!"
Students, for your science exam you will be required to create a vacuum. No pressure.
What are rooms in a jail reserved for science majors called? STEM cells.
I think my computer science teacher should self-isolate. He had a hacking cough today.
They told me I before E except after C... but after doing some research, there’s no science in it.
I want to share a science joke on here...
But, now i realise all the good jokes
Where can you find the best view of scenery
In space. It will leave you breathless and speechless
Hope this one hits science geeks hard
What do you call a gum based science project? An Exspearmint.
You think science is not so fashionable? Have you ever noticed Neil deGrasse' ties, son?
I thought I'd make a science joke at the physicist's funeral. But I came in with the wrong energy.
Binary 1100101 The 1-01-11 's of computer science
I did a science experiment on how far you can lean back in your chair before you fall off. I have the completed project right here, but I don't remember doing it.
I would tell you a joke about helium, but I don’t feel qualified to talk about..
He he he
Grammar tells us, " 'i' before 'e' except after 'c' "... But science tells us otherwise.
You matter. Unless..
multiplied with speed of light squared.
Then you energy.
(Shamelessly stolen from black science dude's twitter)
What's the difference between a computer science student and a brick? The brick gets laid
I made a homemade bomb for my science fair project two years ago I guess I did well. The judges were blown away
Why is a science party the best party? A lot of great chemistry.
I used to make jokes about science But they got no reaction...
A computer science major goes to his English professor and says "I've found a fault in the English language and I need an entomologist."
"Don't you mean an etymologist?" the teacher asks.
"No," the student replies. "It's a bug, not a feature."
What do you call 2 emos making out in a science classroom? My Chemical Romance
If science were easy... They would call it your mom.
I would tell you a science joke But Na you wont get it
Science flies you to the moon. Religion, in to buildings.
Helen Keller once farted during a lecture on genetic hearing loss.. The science in the room was deafening.
An artificially intelligent robot, called Aristo, just made history by passing an eight grade science test It’s data must be so proud
A man named Isaac and a famous science fiction writer sit in a bar.
Isaac says to the science fiction writer, "who are you?"
The writer replies: "I am Isaac."
Delighted at the coincidence, Isaac says "As am I!"
The writer frowns and shakes his head. "No, Asim*ov*."
Officer: What is the problem?
Man: He's throwing sodium chloride at me!
Officer: Why does that provoke a shout for help?
Man: Because it's a salt!!!!
Stereotypes aren't true.
Unless they are verified through Sociology...
...which is a statistical social science that counts how what percentage of black people don't tip.
Studying science makes me numb... Studying math makes me number!
Science joke I was going to make a chemistry joke but all the good ones Argon
Physicist: "There's a hotel in Germany with a plaque stating that Heisenberg may have slept here."
Physicist: "Well, I'm not sure..."
(as heard in an 'Inspector Lewis' episode)
Went to the beach the other day and I ran into my science teacher. She was there with her sister being buried in the sand. Her entire body was covered except one spot and that’s when she yelled... “Hey! Get Mitosis”
I'm a man of science at least that's what my horoscope says
A science joke
A policeman catches an an electron for speeding.
Police: Do you know how fast you were going?
Electron: Yes, but now I don't know where I am.
What do you call it when the Enterprise's android science officer drives in reverse? Data backup
Dad joke + science joke
Did you know that protons have mass ?
Lol i didn't even knew they were catholic
I once told a joke about science It didn't get a reaction
Science Professor: If a girl falls unconscious, give her mouth 2 mouth, blow air into her lungs and keep on pressing her chest with both your palms in quick succession...
Student : How to make her unconscious?
Joke from my science teacher years ago...
Q: Why should you never wear Russian nuclear underwear?
A: because Chernob'll Fallout.
Life is confusing Donate your body to science and your a hero; donate someone else’s and you a murder
When I was a child I asked my dad for help with my science homework. I asked "dad, how do you make a hormone?" And he said... "Don't pay her."
Me: My dog ate my homework
Comp science professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?
Comp science professor:
Me: It took him a couple of bytes..
Edit: this is not my joke lol
Virginia man arrested He allegedly stole a $5000 saxophone during a reception at a science museum and then took it to a pawn shop. The authorities we're alerted and when police apprehended him, he was winding his way down Baker Street.
How is a kid failing science and an antivax parent related? One is just the evolution of the other.