*on Shark Tank*
Sharks: what's your idea?
Me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
Shark 1: I'm out
Shark 2: I'm out as well
Hammerhead shark: tell me more
I heard a swimmer shout "Help shark help!! I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!
I saw a man at the beach going "Help! Shark! Help!" I laughed because I knew that the shark wasn't going to help him.
A Life Guard is walking along a beach
A Life Guard is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.
The Life guard laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.
I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!" I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.
I saw a guy at the beach yelling ' Help! Shark! Help!' I just laughed at him... I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
Swimming in the Ocean I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
How much RAM does a great white shark have? A killer-bite.
What do you call it when a shark is sassy? Sharkasm
A woman is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.
The woman laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.
Why was the shark eating pineapples? Because it makes seamen taste better.
My wife said to me the other day "For the last time I am on my period and I am NOT getting into the water to swim!" She totally ruined my shark fishing trip.
Saw a man at the beach yelling "HELP! SHARK! HELP!!!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
I saw a man struggling in the sea today shouting " Help, shark! Help!"
I just laughed because I knew the shark wouldn't help him.
Heard from my 10 year old cousin.
I saw a guy at the beach yelling, “Help! Shark! Help!” I was like, “I don’t think that shark is going to help you.”
Why did the shark keep swimming in circles? It had a nosebleed.
I named my dog Shark to make him sound tough... For some reason, people go into a panic when he runs off on the beach.
I was walking near the Beach When I heard someone yell "Help shark Help"... I laughed because I knew no sharks were going to come help.
I'm allergic to sharks.. ..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.
Took my brother to the aquarium and threw him in the shark tank
He came back out with a $500,000 investment
(I know this is absolutely not funny but it came to me in a dream)
What do you get when you cross a shark and a giraffe? A stern reprimand from the bioethics committee.
Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg? No? Well, she is all right now.
What does a shark and a computer have in common? They both have megabites
I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the sea, yelling: "Help, shark! Help!"
I just laughed.
I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff? ...because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
Have you ever had the feeling to push someone into a shark tank at an aquarium? Anyways, I lost my job as a shark trainer today.
I saw leaked footage of Finding Dory yesterday Bruce the shark is now called Caitlyn.
What did the hammerhead shark say to the people on the beach? Can't touch this.
The other day i was at the beach when i saw a guy in the sea flailing about and shouting "help shark help shark"
i thought its nice that he is asking the shark for help but he should probably call the lifeguard instead
Did you hear the one about the shark that liked to eat people wearing jeans?
It sounded something like
Den-im Den-im Den-im
(Read it out loud)
There is more chance of you being struck by lightning while being attacked by a shark while being pregnant and win a lottery than.... You sticking in an USB first try
Falling vending machines kill more people per year than sharks. I've never even seen a shark near a vending machine.
Shark week is actually the safest time to go to the beach Because all of the sharks are busy being on TV.
Why did the shark keep swimming in circles It had nosebleed.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because he was well armed
My doctor said I was pessimistic.
Once, there was a shark who bit-off the left side of my body; he let out a small chuckle and said,
"I'm very sorry for this, but I think you are all right."
I replied, "Seriously, doc? I have nothing left."
What did the shark say when he ate the clown-fish? This taste a little funny.
A blond is walking down the beach...
and see's a man flailing his arms wildly in the water. He's yelling “Help, Shark, Help!”
The blond yells back, “ no you idiot, you have to swim, that shark wont help you!"
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.
What does a shark victim see before their end? Fin.
Why did the shark quit dating_ Even though there are still many fish in the sea, he was netted into a relationship and got catfished.
My pet baby shark said his first words, he said.. Da da, da da
Steven Spielberg just announced he’s not doing anymore shark movies. This is a real Jaw dropper
Great white shark diet surprises scientists "It consists mostly of wildlife biologists that study sharks," said a famous wildife biologist studying sharks.
What do you call a sad looking shark A woebegone
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish? A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
A baby fish is called a fry. A baby whale is called a calf. A baby shark is a doo doo doo doo doo doo.
What did the shark say to the boat captain? "Uber eats?"
I saw a man juggling while swimming in shark infested waters... ...it sure does take a lot of balls to do something like that!
What do you call an indecisive toddler? Maybe Shark
What kind of fish lets you borrow money? A loan shark
A neurobiologist, neuropsyiologist, and a shark expert walk into a bar. The rest of the movie is a joke.
What’s a baby sharks first words?
>! Get it because when a shark approaches its Da Da... Da Da... DaDaDaDaDaDa !<
What contaminated the fish tank? Baby shark doo doo doo doo dooo
What did the shark say when it found food after months of hunting? Thank cod
How did the hammerhead shark do on his test? He nailed it.
Why should you never give a shark a machine gun? Because it would defeat the porpoise!
I hate how Shark Week tries to playoff Sharks as "gentle caring creatures that are misrepresented by the media". It doesn't matter what they say, I'm still not voting to re-elect the president.
What happened to the man who got hit by a lightning from Zeus AND bitten by a shark of Poseidon at the same time? He died
Caveman Shark Tank
Guy who invented the wheel - alright this is gonna seem a little unorthodox, but just roll with it
Caveman sharks - do what with it
G - oh you'll see
You guys watched the movie meg? (Spoilers)
Theres this scene where these floating platforms hook into the shark while its swimming across a busy Asian coast, and I commented
why was the mexican octopus angry at the shark because he ate his tentacos
When I take my dog to the beach, it usually empties out quickly..... Am thinking that me naming my dog Shark might have something to do with it.
Having Shark Week is totally racist because all I hear that week is Great White
Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg? No? Oh, well she's all right now!
I went to shark tank to offer a mixed meat product I offered 20% steak
I went on shark tank to sell a mixed meat product I offered 20% steak
Where do fish go to withdraw money The Loan shark
so this shark swims into a bar... "Arggg!", he yelled. "I'm such a klutz!"
I saw a man in the sea screaming, 'Help, shark, help!' I couldn't help but laugh though because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.
I saw a shark swimming by itself in the ocean...
...I tried to lure it to me with some meat I had on board. It did not seem intrigued and just swam away.
I guess it was just a low-interest lone shark.
Meanwhile on Shark Tank...
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i'm out
shark 2: i'm out
hammerhead shark: i'm listening
What do you call an acrobat in shark infested waters? A balanced breakfast.
What do you call a shark that plays basketball? A Shaq.
Me: "I just saw a video of a shark saving a toddler from drowning"
Friend: "Wha- how is that even possible?"
Me: "Well.. by eating the toddler"
Why did the KKK let the shark join them? It was a great white.
I'm glad that baby shark in TX is safe, but I doubt the police will spend a lot of time punishing the thieves. I figure they'd have bigger fish to fry.
People from Boston will never forget that Shaquille O'Neal is hosting Shark Week this year. They love Shaq Week.
People from Boston will never forget that Shaq is hosting Shark Week this year. They love Shaq Week.
What happened to the shark that wanted to work at a radio station? He died after he went on air
Hospitals charge you quite a lot if you've been bitten by a shark Usually ends up costing an arm AND a leg.
In an effort to not offend... ...The great white shark will now be named the average caucasian shark.
Having a shark for a pet kinda defeats the porpoise.
How did the shark know his family was nearby? He smelled blood.
There was a shark that wanted to be a reporter so a news station gave him a try, but when he went on air, he died.
What's the most dangerous thing in the corporate ocean? The Loan Shark
Why is it obvious when a shark has an eating disorder? You can sea it’s way too fin.
Every year for Halloween I go dressed as a shark Every year for Halloween I go dressed as a shark. But, I've done this for the last few years so the joke is wearing fin
Did you know sharks kill more people than vending machines? I don't think a shark has ever killed a vending machine.
Swordfish & mako shark specials tonight... Swordfish & mako shark specials tonight. Lady asked which would be faster. I said the swordfish can reach speeds up to 60mph, shark 42mph...
I just got a notice from our cable provider about Shark Week.
Isn't that when Congress goes back in session?
How did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? It was well armed!
What does a shark call a school of fish? Snackademia
What Do You Call a Burger Made by a Hammerhead Shark Man a BigMaccus
Why did the shark tell the fish he wouldn't eat it? Because he was being sharkastic.
You know I'd rather be in a pool with a six foot shark Than be in a pool with a six foot Trilobite! Ha!
Why did the shark swim in circles? He had a nosebleed.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off? He didn’t have a leg to stand on
What kind of shark is always drunk? A hammeredhead
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn't milk it.
Seaworld has borrowed a shark to try and make one of their own sharks pregnant... Personally, I think I would have looked at other options before going to a loan shark...