Shark Jokes

Contents

Funniest Shark Jokes

Shark Tank *on Shark Tank*

Sharks: what's your idea?

Me: ridiculously wide sunglasses

Shark 1: I'm out

Shark 2: I'm out as well

Hammerhead shark: tell me more

Funny Shark Jokes

I heard a swimmer shout "Help shark help!! I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!

I saw a man at the beach going "Help! Shark! Help!" I laughed because I knew that the shark wasn't going to help him.

A Life Guard is walking along a beach A Life Guard is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.

The Life guard laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!" I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.

I saw a guy at the beach yelling ' Help! Shark! Help!' I just laughed at him... I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

Swimming in the Ocean I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

How much RAM does a great white shark have? A killer-bite.

What do you call it when a shark is sassy? Sharkasm

A woman is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.



The woman laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

Why was the shark eating pineapples? Because it makes seamen taste better.

My wife said to me the other day "For the last time I am on my period and I am NOT getting into the water to swim!" She totally ruined my shark fishing trip.

Saw a man at the beach yelling "HELP! SHARK! HELP!!!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

I saw a man struggling in the sea today shouting " Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed because I knew the shark wouldn't help him.



Heard from my 10 year old cousin.

I saw a guy at the beach yelling, “Help! Shark! Help!” I was like, “I don’t think that shark is going to help you.”

Why did the shark keep swimming in circles? It had a nosebleed.

I named my dog Shark to make him sound tough... For some reason, people go into a panic when he runs off on the beach.

I was walking near the Beach When I heard someone yell "Help shark Help"... I laughed because I knew no sharks were going to come help.

I'm allergic to sharks.. ..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

Took my brother to the aquarium and threw him in the shark tank He came back out with a $500,000 investment

(I know this is absolutely not funny but it came to me in a dream)

What do you get when you cross a shark and a giraffe? A stern reprimand from the bioethics committee.

Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg? No? Well, she is all right now.

What does a shark and a computer have in common? They both have megabites

I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the sea, yelling: "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed.
I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff? ...because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.

Have you ever had the feeling to push someone into a shark tank at an aquarium? Anyways, I lost my job as a shark trainer today.

I saw leaked footage of Finding Dory yesterday Bruce the shark is now called Caitlyn.

What did the hammerhead shark say to the people on the beach? Can't touch this.

help shark The other day i was at the beach when i saw a guy in the sea flailing about and shouting "help shark help shark"

i thought its nice that he is asking the shark for help but he should probably call the lifeguard instead

Did you hear the one about the shark that liked to eat people wearing jeans? It sounded something like
Den-im...
Den-im...
Den-im Den-im Den-im
denimdenimdenimdenim
(Read it out loud)

There is more chance of you being struck by lightning while being attacked by a shark while being pregnant and win a lottery than.... You sticking in an USB first try

Falling vending machines kill more people per year than sharks. I've never even seen a shark near a vending machine.

Shark week is actually the safest time to go to the beach Because all of the sharks are busy being on TV.

Why did the shark keep swimming in circles It had nosebleed.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because he was well armed

My doctor said I was pessimistic. Once, there was a shark who bit-off the left side of my body; he let out a small chuckle and said,


"I'm very sorry for this, but I think you are all right."


I replied, "Seriously, doc? I have nothing left."

What did the shark say when he ate the clown-fish? This taste a little funny.

A blond is walking down the beach... and see's a man flailing his arms wildly in the water. He's yelling “Help, Shark, Help!”
The blond yells back, “ no you idiot, you have to swim, that shark wont help you!"

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.

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New Shark Jokes

My pet baby shark said his first words, he said.. Da da, da da

Steven Spielberg just announced he’s not doing anymore shark movies. This is a real Jaw dropper

Great white shark diet surprises scientists "It consists mostly of wildlife biologists that study sharks," said a famous wildife biologist studying sharks.

What do you call a sad looking shark A woebegone

Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish? A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.

A baby fish is called a fry. A baby whale is called a calf. A baby shark is a doo doo doo doo doo doo.

What did the shark say to the boat captain? "Uber eats?"

I saw a man juggling while swimming in shark infested waters... ...it sure does take a lot of balls to do something like that!

What do you call an indecisive toddler? Maybe Shark

What kind of fish lets you borrow money? A loan shark

A neurobiologist, neuropsyiologist, and a shark expert walk into a bar. The rest of the movie is a joke.

What’s a baby sharks first words? Dada

>! Get it because when a shark approaches its Da Da... Da Da... DaDaDaDaDaDa !<

What contaminated the fish tank? Baby shark doo doo doo doo dooo

What does a shark victim see before their end? Fin.

What did the shark say when it found food after months of hunting? Thank cod

How did the hammerhead shark do on his test? He nailed it.

Why should you never give a shark a machine gun? Because it would defeat the porpoise!

I hate how Shark Week tries to playoff Sharks as "gentle caring creatures that are misrepresented by the media". It doesn't matter what they say, I'm still not voting to re-elect the president.

What happened to the man who got hit by a lightning from Zeus AND bitten by a shark of Poseidon at the same time? He died

Caveman Shark Tank Guy who invented the wheel - alright this is gonna seem a little unorthodox, but just roll with it

Caveman sharks - do what with it

G - oh you'll see

You guys watched the movie meg? (Spoilers) Theres this scene where these floating platforms hook into the shark while its swimming across a busy Asian coast, and I commented

"Chinese takeaway"

why was the mexican octopus angry at the shark because he ate his tentacos

When I take my dog to the beach, it usually empties out quickly..... Am thinking that me naming my dog Shark might have something to do with it.

Having Shark Week is totally racist because all I hear that week is Great White

Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg? No? Oh, well she's all right now!

I went to shark tank to offer a mixed meat product I offered 20% steak

I went on shark tank to sell a mixed meat product I offered 20% steak

Where do fish go to withdraw money The Loan shark

so this shark swims into a bar... "Arggg!", he yelled. "I'm such a klutz!"

I saw a man in the sea screaming, 'Help, shark, help!' I couldn't help but laugh though because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.

I saw a shark swimming by itself in the ocean... ...I tried to lure it to me with some meat I had on board. It did not seem intrigued and just swam away.

I guess it was just a low-interest lone shark.

Meanwhile on Shark Tank... me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i'm out
shark 2: i'm out
hammerhead shark: i'm listening

What do you call an acrobat in shark infested waters? A balanced breakfast.

What do you call a shark that plays basketball? A Shaq.

Me: "I just saw a video of a shark saving a toddler from drowning" Friend: "Wha- how is that even possible?"

Me: "Well.. by eating the toddler"

Why did the KKK let the shark join them? It was a great white.

I'm glad that baby shark in TX is safe, but I doubt the police will spend a lot of time punishing the thieves. I figure they'd have bigger fish to fry.

People from Boston will never forget that Shaquille O'Neal is hosting Shark Week this year. They love Shaq Week.

People from Boston will never forget that Shaq is hosting Shark Week this year. They love Shaq Week.

What happened to the shark that wanted to work at a radio station? He died after he went on air

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Long Shark Jokes

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day.

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian.
They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten all the time."

As he said this, a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!"

And believe it or not, with that Justin turned into a fearsome shark.

Kristian was horrified and so immediately swam away as he was scared of being eaten by his old friend.

As time went by, Justin found his new life as a shark to be boring and lonely. None of his old friends would let him get near them as they thought he would eat them and so they just swam away whenever he approached.

It took a while, but eventually Justin realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

Then one day he was swimming all alone as usual when he saw the mysterious cod again. He thought it'd be better if he could go back to his old life so he swam to the cod and begged to be changed back. The cod worked his magic and suddenly Justin was a prawn once more.

With tears of joy streaming down his cheeks Justin swam straight to Kristian's home.

As he opened the coral gate, the happy memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "Kristian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again."

Kristian replied, "No way! You're a shark now and you'll just eat me. I'm not being tricked into being your dinner."

Justin shouted back "No, I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed...

I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian."

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just Eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!"

One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the pirate says with a toothy grin.

“Wooow!!! I’ve never met a real pirate before! Ok, ok, how did you get your peg leg?”

“Yar, I was thrown overboard in the Caribbean and a shark bit off me leg.”

“Jeepers!” the young boy exclaimed. “That’s amazing!How did you get your hook?”

“Yar, I was fightin’ buccaneers what was tryin’ ta take me ship, and one of ‘em chopped off me hand ‘fore I sent ‘im ta Davey Jones’ locker.”

“Oooooohhhh that’s so cool!” the young boy said. “How did you get your eyepatch?”

“Yar...well...a seagull pooped in me eye.”

The boy’s enthusiasm turned to confusion. “How in the world did that make you lose your eye?”

“Well...it was the first day with me hook.”

Once, I met a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch

I asked him "What happened to your leg?"

"Arr," he responded, "One day I was in a battle at sea and a cannon ball blew my leg right off. I cut the throat of the man who fired the shot though."

"That sounds awful. What happened to your hand?"

"Arr, one day at sea I was knocked off the ship into shark infested waters and a great white bit my hand right off. I stabbed him with a harpoon after that though.

"That sounds terrible. What happened to your eye?"

"Arr, one day I was near port and a ton of seagulls were flying overhead. When I looked up into the sky, one of them pooped and it landed right in my eye."

"That's...really gross. But why would you lose your eye from that?"

"Arr, it was the first day with the hook."

A pirate is selling his loot at a stand on the docks

A pirate is selling some loot at a stand he has set up on the docks. A man approaches and is interested in hearing about how he lost his limbs.

Man: "How did you lose your leg?"

Pirate: "I was fighting off a shark in the sea. He got me leg, but I got one of his teeth. Now I use this wooden leg to replace me real one."

Man: "Is that how you lost your hand too?"

Pirate: "No, that was lost when I was attacking another boat of pirates. The captain got me hand, but I got his boat. Now I have this hook to replace me real hand."

Man: "Did you lose your eye in that battle as well?"

Pirate: "No, that was lost when a bird pooped in me eye and I tried to wipe it out. Twas the first day I had me hook."

It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.

He asked the Pirate Captain.

“Why do you have a wooden leg?”

The Pirate Captain replied.

“Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”.

The boy then asked.

“Why do you have a hook for a hand?”

The Pirate Captain said.

“Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me hand off so I have this hook to replace what’s gone”.

The boy finally asked.

“Why do you have a glass eye?”

The Pirate Captain lowered his head slightly and replied.

“A grain of sand blew up off the deck and got in me eye”.

The boy stood there confused. The Pirate Captain, raising his head back up, said to the boy.

“Argh. It was me first day with the hook”.

A pirate captain was telling his first mate how he got his injuries

First he points to his peg leg. "You see," he says, "I got thrown overboard in a terrible storm an' a great white shark bit off me leg before I could climb back up."
"That's amazing," the first mate replies, "and what happened to your hand?"
"We was boarding a ship to take its plunder an' I dueled the ship's captain. I bested him but not before he took me hand clean off. So I got a hook to replace it."
The first mate was only more impressed, "So what's the story behind the eyepatch?"
"A seagull pooped in me eye."
"That's all? You lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?"
"Well, it was me first day with the hook."

Two prawns, Justin and Kristian, were swimming around in the sea one day.

They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten all the time."

As he said this, a large mysterious Cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!"

And believe it or not, with that Justin turned into a fearsome shark.

Kristian was horrified and so immediately swam away as he was scared of being eaten by his old friend.

As time went by, Justin found his new life as a shark to be boring and lonely. None of his old friends would let him get near them as they thought he would eat them and so they just swam away whenever he approached.

It took a while, but eventually Justin realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

Then one day he was swimming all alone as usual when he saw the mysterious cod again. He thought it'd be better if he could go back to his old life so he swam to the cod and begged to be changed back. The cod worked his magic and suddenly Justin was a prawn once more.

With tears of joy streaming down his cheeks Justin swam straight to Kristian's home.

As he opened the coral gate, the happy memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "Kristian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again."

Kristian replied, "No way! You're a shark now and you'll just eat me. I'm not being tricked into being your dinner."

Justin shouted back "No, I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed...

I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian."

A shark was swimming around looking for food...

... and he catches a squid.

The squid says: "don't eat me, I'm really sick!"

So the shark says: "fine, I won't eat you. But I know just what to do with you..."

The shark takes the squid to his friend and says: "here's the sick squid I owe you."

One of my favorite hockey jokes

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing New York Rangers' jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side, while the other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Canadiens fan out of the water. Then, using baseball bats, the three heroes in blue beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat as well.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Rangers and Canadiens fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said. "He may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know nothing about shark fishing... How's the bait holding up?"

A pirate at the local bar discusses his past.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

A Pirate's Life

A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:


"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"


" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading a canon it blew me hand clean off".

"What about the eye-patch?".


"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".


"Well, that doesn't qualify an eye patch, now does it?"


"Arrrgh, it was the first day I got me hook".

A lawyer, priest and doctor... (pretty long joke)

A doctor, priest and lawyer have a wealthy friend on his deathbed. The wealthy man tells them "I know they say you can't take it with you but I'm willing to try. I'm going to give you duffel bags with 5 million in cash each and at my funeral I want each of you to put it in my grave". Sure enough the wealthy man passes and the 3 friends meet up at the wake. The doctor, looking sullen, says "listen guys, I feel so guilty. I borrowed a lot of money from a loan shark to start my practice, I had to pay off two nurses I was having affairs with and I had to buy a new car. I had to use most of the money." The priest says "I too have a confession to make. My church was falling apart, my flock was leaving and I had to compete with the new mega church so I had to use a lot of the money." The lawyer looks at both of them in disgust. "I'm ashamed of both of you! He was our friend and you should have honored his wishes." Wagging his finger at both of them he says "I for one took his wish to heart and when the time came, I wrote him a check for the entire amount!"

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar

The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"

"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean...

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his
old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught
that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came
the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set
off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the
door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me
again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".....................
I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"

A shark is teaching his kid how to attack swimmers.

"Make sure your dorsal fin is above the water and swim toward them *really fast*, then veer away at the last moment. Do that a few times, and then go back and eat them."

"But why not just come up from below and eat them right away?"

"Well, they taste a lot better if you *empty* 'em first."

A young boy ran away to the docks and joined a pirate ship to begin his new life as a cabin boy.

He met the captain, which had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. The captain, glad to have another crew member on board immediately put the new cabin boy to work, mostly doing dishes and cleaning and such.

The young boy worked for a month without a single complaint, but the captain's appearance was always bugging him. He finally couldn't wait any longer and asked the captain how he got his accessories.

"Well, me boy," the captain started saying, "It was me first day out at sea. I hadn't exactly gotten me sea legs yet, and a vicious storm threw me off the ship into the sea, where a shark bit off me leg."

"Oh, wow," The cabin boy said. "That must've sucked! How did you lose your hand?"

"Well, me boy, it was me second day out at sea. The same storm was still raging, and since I wasn't used to me peg leg yet, I got thrown off the ship again, and the same shark bit off me hand."

"Oh, no, not again!" Cried the young boy. "Did the same storm knock you off the ship again the third day, and the shark managed to get your eye as well?"

"No, young lad. On me third day out at sea, the storm had finally blown over, and it was bright and sunny. I went up on the main deck to get some fresh air, and when I looked up, a seagull pooped in me eye.

It was, however, me first day with the hook."

In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out his friend Christian. As he approaches, he shouts out, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend. Don't be scared, I've changed, I’ve found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian!”

Topical Joke Takeover 8/7/13

A dead shark was discovered on the New York subway. People wondered how a dead shark ended up on a train to Queens… and the answer is, he took the B train from Yankee stadium.

…subway riders said the dead shark was about the tenth grossest thing they’d seen on that morning’s commute.

Anthony Weiner has apologized for calling his 69-year-old mayoral opponent, “Gramps.” But the apology went too far when Weiner pointed out that “69” is his favorite number.

President Obama told Jay Leno that, “We don’t have a domestic spying program.” Obama said, “Come on, it’s a *global* spying program.”

The new cover of Ebony Magazine features celebrities wearing hoodies, in solidarity with Trayvon Martin. The images are pretty compelling, George Zimmerman saw the magazine and called the police fourteen times.

According to reports, Al Qaeda may have developed a liquid explosive, that can turn clothing into a bomb. As a precautionary measure, the FBI has asked Kate Upton to burn all of her clothes.

In Ohio, a man was shot after he tried to keep his friend from driving drunk. After the drunk man shot him, he ran away… so, mission accomplished?

Chris Brown has announced that after his next album, he’s quitting music. That’s Chris Brown’s style; hit it and quit it.

Chris Brown said, “He’s tired of being famous for a mistake.” “I’m not!”, replied Kim Kardashian.

Taco Bell plans to roll out their new breakfast item “Waffle Tacos” to the public soon. Currently they’re only available at medical marijuana dispensaries.

…And unlike competitors who stop serving breakfast at 10am, waffle tacos will be available until 4:20.

…the waffle taco narrowly edged out Taco Bell’s other breakfast idea: “Pancake Nachos.”

Bruce Willis has dropped out of “The Expendables 3” after he demanded $4 million dollars, for four days of work. The studio then made a counter-offer of zero million dollars, for zero days.

…of course it’s too late to rewrite the screenplay, so the role of Bruce Willis will be played by Sinead O’Connor.

(Thanks for reading, hope you laughed at a few of them!)

Cold War Dog Fight

During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.

The top scientist of both nations worked day and night for a year, and the day of the fight arrived.

The Soviets put an absolute monster of a dog in to the ring - imagine a cross between a bear, a wolverine and a wolf with the jaws of a great white shark and the size of an average car.

The Americans opened their cage and after some prodding, a 10 meter long dachshund waddled out and looked around sleepily. The Soviet leadership started looking pretty smug at this point.

The Soviet dog growled and attacked, but the dachshund just opened its jaws wide and swallowed it whole. Fight over.

The Soviets conceded defeat and signed over the world to the beaming Americans, who graciously invited the losers to the celebration party in Hollywood.

At the party, one of the Soviet scientists got to talking with one of his American counterpart and said “I just don’t understand. We toiled day and night to breed the biggest, most vicious animal in the world, and still we lost. 23 of my men went insane from the pressure, the finest minds of my country lost forever.”

The American took a swig from his drink and replied, “Oh yeah? You try making a crocodile look like a dog.”

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