Ghost Jokes

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Funniest Ghost Jokes

Funny Ghost Jokes

How do you tell the difference between a boy ghost and a girl ghost? Their booooobs.

Happy Halloween... Why did the Ghost enter the bar... For the BOOOOS

What does a perverted ghost say? Booooobs.

What did the ghost say when it woke up with a bad hangover? “Man, I really need to lay off the boos.”

I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places. It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours

What do ghost cowboys wear? BoOoOts

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer When they walk in their stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

Why did the ghost cross the road? To come back from the other side.

Why did the ghost go to jail? He got arrested for possession.

A ghost was arrested And placed in a holding cell with others as they await processing. The ghost turns to the man and asks "what did you get arrested for?"
"Shoplifting" he says, "how about you?"

The ghost smiles and says "possession".

Why did the ghost get in the elevator? To lift his spirits.

Why did the ghost barf all over his date? He couldn't handle his boos.

What did the Ghost teacher say to her class? Look at the board, I'll go through it again.

What do you call a ghost with his own spooking company? A hauntrepreneur!

My 8 year old son wrote this... What do you call the ghost of a chicken that haunts people in their homes?

A poultry-geist.

What do you call it when a Chinese ghost hits you with a stick? Bam! *Boo*!

Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan? Because it's super natural.

What do you call a french ghost that likes anime? A oui-a-boo.

Why did the ghost go into the elevator? To lift his spirits.

Did you hear about the ghost who got put in prison? He was charged with possession.

A ghost walks into a bar "Sorry sir" the barmen says, "We don't serve spirits after eleven"

A ghost may try to deceive you. But don't worry, you will be able to see right through them

Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team? He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.

Why couldn't the bee dress as a ghost for Halloween? Because people are offended by seeing Boo Bees.

What did the ghost say to the bees? Boo Bees

If you nut on a dead person Are you ghost busting?

What happened to Casper the friendly ghost after his parents got divorced? His mom got soul custody.

What was Snoop Dogg's ghost arrested for? Possesion.

What room does a ghost not need? A living room

I had the worst night last night.. The ghost of Gloria Gaynor appeared in front of my bed. At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

Why was the ghost an alcoholic? Because he likes boo's!

I found out my girlfriend was a ghost ! I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

What did the ghost say at the party? I'm just here for the boos.

Why did the ghost cross the road? To get to the... *other side.*

What do you call a ghost detective? An Inspectre

What did the jalapeno dress up as for Halloween? A Ghost Pepper.

A ghost walks into a bar... The ghost orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender says "I'm sorry. We don't serve spirits here."

What do you call the ghost of a homeless man? A hoboo

What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.

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New Ghost Jokes

Have you heard about the rappers ghost writer going to jail He was behind bars

My friend works at an Italian restaurant. Today, he over-fried the food while trying to tell us a ghost story. Guess it's crispy-pasta now.

I’ll tell you what ghost hunters don’t believe in Faulty electrical wiring

Me: "Dude! Help! I'm convinced that I'm possessed by the ghost of an American Civil War General!" Ed: "That's incredible! Are you sure, man?" Me: "Nope, but 'Grant,' Ed - that's a good guess."

Ed: "Are you ever possessed by confederate commanders?"

Me: "General Lee? No."

What kind of ghost has the best hearing? The eeriest.

What did the ghost pirate say to the other ghost pirate? Aghast ye!

Italian Ghost Did you hear about the Italian ghost that haunts cold cuts? They call it the Gabba Ghoul

It must really suck being a ghost who has to haunt the oceans You gotta go through a lot of hard ships just to do your job

What do you call the Ghost dad who switched genders? Transparent

A mysterious German ghost gives a young man directions. “Make another Reich.”

“This is the fourth right in a row, you sure you know where we’re going?”

“Ja.”

Tried to tell a joke to the ghost that haunts my house but I don't think he liked it... ...he just looked at me and boo'd.

What does an abusive father and a ghost have in common? Booze

A ghost walks into a bar. Wait, nevermind, it went through it.

Yo momma so fat... ... that when she died, her ghost made a cold spot so big that it saved the polar bears.

What is another word for necrophiliacs Ghost Buster

What did the boomer ghost say the millennial ghost? "Get a life."

What do you call a Native American ghost who plays accordian? Polkahauntus

What’s the difference between a beach and a tarot deck? One has coast guards, the other has ghost cards.

Why was the ghost arrested? For possession of drugs.

What do you call a racist ghost in middle earth? wight supremacist...

What did the ghost say when he reached the top of the mountain? Peakatboo!

Do you think they pray to Cheesus in Holland? or the holey ghost

I woke up to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid, I was petrified!

Winning the lottery is like an invisible ghost that masturbates in public You'll never see it coming.

One day a ghost floats into a bar He meets a female ghost and falls in love with her, a year later they get married, and soon after they have two children.

I’m so glad that he’s raising spirits.

I saw a ghost pilot He was on an ethereal *plane*

What do you call a ghost of a pie that you cant throw away because it keeps coming back? Boo-meringue

What do you give a ghost on Valentine’s Day? A booquet of roses.

Why could the ghost have a baby? Because he had a halloweener.

Edit: it supposed to be why couldn't he... Oops

What happens when a ghost drinks booze? They get sheet-faced.

Why was the tiny ghost asked to join the football team? They needed a little team spirit.

If a ghost is watching you... can one say it is spectreting?

Last night in my bedroom I thought I saw a baby ghost Turns out it was just a pillow case

How come when the ghost tried to travel he never got anywhere? Because he could only make fright turns.

What do you call a ghost that likes to work out? A Swoltergeist

Why was the ghost looking for a tissue? Because he had boo-gers.

Why can’t ghost get people pregnant? Because they have “hollow-weenies”

A ghost joins the military He could never become a Corporeal

FRIEND: It's called cauliflower. It's not ghost broccoli. ######ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette]
Listen kid, I know what I saw.

What do you call a resurrected guy that was shot to death? The Holy Ghost

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Long Ghost Jokes

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

On the night of his inauguration, Donald Trump is visited by 3 ghosts

Early in the night, FDR appears. Trump asks him "how can I make America great again?"
FDR replies "think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets"
Trump's face sours "FAKE NEWS!" he screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls back to sleep.

A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington's ghost. Trump asks "how can I make America great again?"
Washington replies "I would suggest you never tell a lie", which infuriates Trump. He screams for his bodyguards but Washington is already gone.

Around 3 in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks "how can I make America great again?". Lincoln thinks for a bit and says "go to the theater".

President Trump is sleeping one night

President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goes back to sleep. He is woken up a short time later by the ghost of Franklin Roosevelt sitting at the foot of his bed. "Frankie, my boy, what can I do to be a better president?' FDR thinks a moment and says, 'You have to put the people first.' Once again Trump doesn't like this answer, yells for security, and FDR disappears. Trump is once again awakened by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln at the foot of his bed. "Abe, my boy, how can I be a better president?' Abe thinks for a moment and responds, 'Go to the theater more.'

Hillary Clinton is elected President.

On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"

*Hillary laughs in his face*

On her second day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Jefferson replies "Remember that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed, and that the individual is to have sovereignty over himself."

*Hillary laughs in his face*

On her third day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Lincoln replies "Go to the theater."

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

On the night of his inauguration, Trump is visited by three ghosts.

Early in the night, FDR appears. When Trump asks him how he can make America great, FDR replies “Think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets.” Trump’s face sours, and he yells “FAKE NEWS!”

A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Trump asks “how can I make America great again?” Washington replies “I would suggest you never tell a lie”, which infuriates Trump.

Around three in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks “how can I make America great again?”. Lincoln responds, “go to the theater.”

The president was being driven to an important meeting that he was running late for...

When he tells his chauffeur that he needs to go faster to get to the meeting on time. The chauffeur says that he's sorry, but can't go over the speed limit. The president can't miss this meeting so he decides to order the chauffeur into the back seat, while hopping behind the wheel to drive himself. Speeding at about ten miles over the limit, he gets pulled over pretty quickly. The young deputy walks over to the car to give the ticket, and without a word comes back to the squad car, his face ghost white. "I'm sorry sir," he tells his superior officer, who's sitting in the passengers seat, "But I can't give the ticket to him. He's much too important." "What?!" he bellows. "I'm the chief of police 'round here!" Who could be so important that we can't give a ticket to him?!" "I don't know sir," the deputy replied, "But the president is his chauffeur!"

Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.

"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?"

"Never tell a lie."

"I don't lie. Go away."

Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

"Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"

"Listen to the people."

"I know what I'm doing. I listen to the best people. The best ones."

Last night, while down at Mar-a-Lago, he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

"Hey, Abe, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"

"Go see a play."

It was Donald Trump's first day in office, and he had no clue what to do...

He decided to call upon the ghosts of previous great presidents to ask for their advice.

"What do I have to do to become a great president?" Trump asked the ghost of George Washington.

"You must never tell a lie," Washington responded.

Trump scoffed. "No way! do you really expect me to do that? You're useless Washington."

The ghost vanished, only to be replaced by the spirit of Thomas Jefferson. "What must I do to become a great president?" Trump asked again.

Jefferson replied, "You must always put the people's interest ahead of your own."

"Are you kidding? Let's be reasonable here," Trump exclaimed.

Jefferson disappeared, and the ghost of Abraham Lincoln took his place.

"Alright," Trump said. "Do you have any good advice for me?"

Lincoln thought for a moment and replied, "This should be an easy one. Why don't you go watch a play."

An Irish Ghost story (long)

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true!!!!!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly.

John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.

They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.... ..........


'Look Paddy.....there's that fecking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!

So I was paying for my lunch the other day

And there were 2 cash registers. It was halloween at the time and they were selling ghost cookies. I said to the cashier "Could I have a ghost cookie please?" And a woman at the other cash register said the same. Then I said "I guess you could say they're selling like ghost cookies!"

*strums guitar*

True story by the way

An out of state traveler was walking along the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could barley see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride very badly, the guy jumped into the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life. He was certain the ghost car would go off the road and into the river, and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again.



Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, frightened nearly to death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran through the storm to the nearby town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a lighted tavern and with voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, and then, shaken, he told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence came over those listening and everybody got goose bumps.

They realized the guy was sober and was telling the truth. And the sounds of the storm continued outside.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, 'Look Billy Bob, there's that idiot that rode in our car while we was pushin' it in the rain.'

Stalin appears in Putin's dream...

Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.

Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" Putin asks.

"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)

**this super scary story as told me to be last night by an Irish dude**

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that he found him on. The next town wasn’t for miles, so he’d have to stay the night under this tree if he didn’t find a ride.
Just as things were looking grim, he catches a light moving slowly towards him. He’s saved!
Desperate for a ride, he jumps into the vehicle once it stops for him. Once in, he turned to the driver seat to say thanks, and only then did he realize then moving car had no driver. The rain was so heavy, he couldn’t even hear the sound of the engine as the car slowly continued it’s journey.
The lad was too scared to move, too afraid to jump out of the car and run. Seeing the car was coming to a sharp bend that lead down to dark water, he began to pray for his life. He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the river, where he would surely drown!
Right before the car made it to the bend, a shadowy hand reached in through the driver side window and turned the wheel, guiding the car around the bend, thus avoiding a wet demise for the lad. Just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again.
Paralyzed with fear, the lad watched the hand reappear every time they reached a bend. Finally, scared to near death, he’d had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran towards the first town he could find.
Wet and in shock, he went into the nearest bar and told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped the room and everybody got goosebumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth about the stange car and the ghostly hand that guided it on its way.
Just then, two men walked into the bar. They were dripping wet and as they took off their rain gear, they looked around the room. Their eyes came to rest on the hitchhiker. They pointed at him ominously, and he feared they were ghosts come to get him.
“Look!” said one of the men, “There’s the idiot who jumped into our car when we were pushing it in the rain.”

Bob and Jim.

Bob and Jim have always been bestfriends and grew up together playing baseball. They both loved baseball their whole lives and had always had a passion for the game. In the end of their life Jim is with bob on his death bed. Jim says to Bob, "After you go, can you send me a sign to tell me if there is baseball in heaven or not?" Bob agrees and passes soon after. A week goes by and Jim wakes up in the middle of the night with Bobs ghost standing in front of him. Bob says, "Jim, I have some good news and some bad news." Jim replies, "What's the good news? Is there baseball in heaven?" "Yes." says Bob. "So then what could be the bad news?!" asks Jim. Bob answers, "You're pitching Tuesday."

One day Putin summons the ghost of Stalin.

Putin asks, "Why is everything here so bad? What should I do?"

“Execute the entire government and paint the Kremlin blue,” says Stalin.

“Why blue?” asks a perplexed Putin.

“I had a feeling you would only want to discuss the second part,” Stalin says.

Intimate With A Ghost

A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?"

About 80 students raise their hands.

"That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?"

One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it... I thought you said 'goats.'

Guy and genie in a bottle

Guy finds a bottle and opens it. Out comes the ghost and says:

"I will grant you 3 wishes but there's a catch...for every wish you make every politician in the world gets double of that."

And the guy says: "I want a Ferrari"

Ghost: "Done, plus 2 for each politician"

Guy: "I want 10 million dollars"

Ghost: "Done, plus 20 million for each politician"

Guy: "I always wanted to donate a kidney"

In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home...

In a torrential stormy and a foggy day a very drunk man was trying to hitch hike a lift home and no cars would stop. When out of the blue a car pulled up moving very slowly and stopped right in front of him. Asking no questions he jumps into the back seat - relived that finally he had a lift. As the excitement of the lift subsided - he realized that the car had no driver. The car started moving again. The man braced himself as the car moved towards a couple of bends. As the car hit the bends a mysterious hand would pop through the window and turn the car. The man was completely freaked out by this. Ghost car! When he could take no more of this he jumped out of the car and ran for dear life. He came up to a tavern and had to go in for a drink. Inside there were fellow drinkers enjoying their drinks and he just had to let them know what had happened to him. At first the other fellows laughed but then the man started crying...and they thought it has to be true. At that moment two guys stormed into the tavern...shouting, " we ran out of gas and while we were pushing our car some mad man jumped in... Did he happen to come in here?"

Irish Ghost

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of
the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a
big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so
strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into
the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody
behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving
slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before
the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the
window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched
as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.. Wet
and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...
And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
the other....

'Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were
pushing it!'

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