Tennis Jokes

Contents

Funniest Tennis Jokes

Funny Tennis Jokes

My girlfriend told me love means nothing to her That's what I get for dating a tennis player.

Never date a tennis player. To them love means nothing.

Never ever marry a tennis player Love means nothing to them

Never marry a tennis player... Love means nothing to them.

A tennis ball walks into a restaurant.... a waiter asks: "Have you been served?"

Why shouldn't you date a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them!

I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend Love meant nothing to her

Never go out with a tennis player Love means nothing to them.

Why should you never date a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.

Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court... The game would likely be cancelled

What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.

Why should you never marry a tennis player? Because to tennis players, love means nothing.

What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder? Endless love

Never mary a tennis player... Love means nothing to them,

I lost my job as a waiter when I served one of the customers his food. On the downside, I got chicken all over my tennis racket.

I once dated a professional tennis player... But I had to end it when I realised love meant nothing to her.

What does love mean to a tennis player? Nothing

Never get into a romantic relationship with a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

Why did the blonde enter the tennis courts naked? Because the sign said tennis shoes only

What's worse than tennis elbow? Golf Balls

Never date a tennis player... because love means nothing to them.

I was dating a tennis player, but then she cheated on me For a while I was at my break point until I realized it wasn’t my fault. Love means nothing to them.

Don’t ever get into a romantic relationship with a tennis player... Love means nothing to them.

Why shouldn’t you marry a tennis player? “Love” means nothing to them.

I've just got back from a funeral of a friend who was killed after being hit in the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

Never fall for a tennis player... Love means nothing to them.

Selling all of my old tennis equipment but I can't figure out What's the net worth?

Why should you never date a tennis player? Love means nothing to them.

Have you ever played quiet tennis? It's like regular tennis but without the racket.

What do you call a girl who's sitting in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.

Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because Love means Nothing to them.

I wrote a book called Endless Love It’s about a tennis match between Stevie Wonder and Hellen Keller

Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts? He couldn't stand all the racket!

How many magazines do you need to buy to get a pair of tennis shoes? Ten issues.

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.

My wife got knocked up by her tennis instructor. Serves her right.

A tennis player is leaving the court and and a guy walks up to him “Hey what’s all that in your pocket?” He says “It’s tennis balls” They guy says “Well, if it’s anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!”

My friend, who noticed a bulge in my pocket says "What's that"? I said "Golf ball". He says "Oh man, that must hurt! I had tennis elbow once."

Never get in a serious relationship with a tennis player. Because love means nothing to them.

New Tennis Jokes

Tennis players yell so loud when they hit. I mean, really. What’s with all the racquet?

Why can’t tennis players be in relationships? Because love means nothing to them.

I just came back from a coworker's funeral who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball.. It was a lovely service..

I had a tennis ball that was addicted to heroin But he bounced back

5 people have been killed in South Africa after a hailstorm with hail the size of tennis balls. Ices have claimed responsibility.

I used to date a tennis player... But love meant nothing to her.

Did you hear about the time when a giant ape started a brawl over the use of a table tennis table in a karaoke bar? King Kong, ping pong, sing song, ding dong.

How do you trick a guy into going to a tennis match? Tell him it’s a women’s singles event.

Why isn’t it wise to date a tennis player? Love means nothing to them.

I got some tennis experience last night Had popped two viagras, to surprise my wife, but she never came home.

Didnt want to waste them.

The Tennis Playing Midget Did you hear about the midget who died playing tennis? He fell off the ping pong table.

I want to win the Wimbledon Tennis World Championship When some asks me how I did it I’d respond with “I scored more points than my opponents, it’s not racket science”

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court? Anette

Why should you not marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.

They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire but I still haven’t ruled it out.

A tennis ball walks into a bar... The bar man asks: “have you been served?”

Never fall for a tennis player, for them, love means nothing.

You should never date a Tennis player Love means nothing to them

Three old men in a car Three old men are in a car on their way to see a tennis match.

After a couple of hours of driving, the first man asks, "Is this Wembley?"

The second man says, "No, it's Thursday."

The third man says, "So am I, let's stop and get a drink!"

Why would a tennis player make a good dad? He would have a good backhand

NEVER, I REPEAT NEVER MARRY A TENNIS PLAYER! Love means nothing to them

What do you call a tennis player who never wraps it up Andy Roddick

I dated a tennis player but it didn't work out. Love meant nothing to him.

It was time to take my noisy tennis equipment making business elsewhere The neighbours threatened to report me for making a racket.

Im never dating a tennis player again. Love means nothing to them.

What do you call a woman in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.

You should never have a tennis player as a girlfriend Because love means nothing to them

I used to date a tennis player. Love meant nothing to her.

What do you call a female tennis player with no furniture? Martina Neverhadasofa

My wife was disappointed to find out the real reason why my nickname in college was “The Love Machine" It’s because I sucked at tennis

This one was from my teacher (Dont judge me) "I went to a buffet party and I was dressed as a tennis ball costume.
We went to the lines to have food.
I was the first to get served."

No matter how good you are at tennis You’ll never be as good as a wall

I went to see my doctor with suspected tennis elbow She examined me and confirmed it is indeed tennis elbow
She then said “how many years have you been suffering with this ?”
I replied about 15, love...

Why should you not date a tennis player Because love means nothing to them

What’s an example of endless love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis

I hate tennis It’s such a wack sport

I'm just back from my friend's funeral. He died after a tennis ball hit his head... It was a beautiful service, to be fair...

Tennis players are heartless. Love means zero to them.

What do you call a tennis raquet that doesn't obey the rules? Rebel Wilson

I was wondering why the tennis ball kept coming closer. But then it hit me!

Long Tennis Jokes

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," says the man, "I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces."

"Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the terminally ill?" asks Bill.

"No, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. "How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows Operating System gets a crummy little house?" he asks.

Saint Peter replies, "The Titanic only crashed once."

John dies and passes on to the afterlife...

He comes to, looks around and finds himself in what looks like the dirtiest alley of the world's worst urban center. As he's trying to come to terms with what's happening he hears a voice say, "Hey there old friend, fancy meeting you here."


John looks up and sees his old friend Jack! "Jack, how is this possible? I though you died in a car wreck almost five years ago..."


Jack replies, "I did, and it looks like you died too. Come on, let's get you some food and I'll explain everything." Jack leads John to what looks like a soup kitchen, inside is full of people waiting patiently in two lines. In one line they are grabbing bowls of soup and in the other they are taking cups of fruit punch.


The pair take some soup and fruit punch and Jack explains to John that this is the afterlife. He tells John that the afterlife is divided into multiple circles and that the way to move up is to save enough money. Currently they're in the lowest circle. It costs ten thousand dollars for a ticket to the next one. Jack then goes on to tell how he was actually on his way to buy his ticket as he found John.


"Now John... It'll be tempting to spend some money making you time here more comfortable, but I promise that if you do that, you'll never make it out of here."


With that final warning Jack bids John farewell with a promise to see each other on the other side.


Soon after John lands a job picking trash out of alleys and after five years of hard toil saves up ten thousand dollars. He purchases his ticket and heads through the gate to the next circle.


On the other side he is greeted by white picket fence and cookie cutter ranch houses, the trappings of middle class suburbia.


A familiar voice flags him down, "John old friend! It's so good to see you!" Sure enough it's Jack. The two decide to catch up over lunch. They head to what looks like a back yard barbecue, there are once again two lines of people. One for hotdogs, hamburgers and the like and the other for fruit punch.



The two take their food and sit beneath a tree, catching up. "I'm so glad you made it John, but don't get complacent now. It's a hundred thousand dollars for the next circle... As a matter of fact I'm on my way there now. Good luck, and don't forget my warning from last time."


The two part and soon after John gets a job driving a garbage truck. It's a long time but eventually after ten years he saves up enough.


John buys his ticket and heads through the gate. Before him lies an exquisite gated community. Mansions dot the landscape, complete with tennis courts, swimming pools and any other commodity you could imagine.


Much like last time a familiar voice hails him.


"John! I was worried you wouldn't ever make it! Let's grab some food and catch up."


The two head over to an extravagant banquet hall. As before there are two lines, one for all the most lavish foods John's ever seen: caviar, roast pheasant, braised swan to name a few. The other line is quite simply fruit punch.


They take their food and sit at one of the many tables. Jack informs John that he could stay here if he wished, bit if he could save up one million dollars he would gain entry to the final circle, the closest thing to his notion of heaven in this afterlife.


Once again, Jack bids John farewell, as he's already got his ticket.


After the meal and much deliberation John decides to follow in his friend's footsteps.


John gets a job as a supervisor for regional waste management and after twenty more long years of work saves up one million dollars.


He buys his ticket and steps through a gleaming Golden gate. On the other side people are walking down a golden street in naught but pure white robes, whose look and feel reminded John of clouds.


Looking down John notices he's wearing the same, and that all of his aches, worries, and weariness has vanished.


Of course, waiting for him is his oldest friend Jack.


"Welcome, my dear friend. Let's grab a bite and catch up, one last time."


They head to a gilded ampitheater where the most heavenly ambrosia is being served. The smell reminded John of all his favorite foods, the scent of loves past and the whiff of treasured memories.


John pauses however, frowning. He turns to Jack and asks, "Where's the punchline?"


John replies, "There isn't one."

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.


Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."


Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.


After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

The difference between men and women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie, she accepts, and they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and..........

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says. Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

~ Dave Barry

I was running late after playing a round of golf, so I left my clubs with my friend, stuffed a bunch of the balls in my pants pockets and got on a bus...

I sat down next to a beautiful blonde and she kept looking at me and my bulging pockets.

Finally, after many puzzled glances from her, I said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at me for a very long time, thinking deeply about what I had said.

Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A guy gets on a bus with a pocket full of golf balls...

He sits down next to a blonde who keeps looking at his pants.

After a few minutes of noticing she can't take her eyes off him, he looks at her and says "golf balls."

"What?" The blonde replies.

"It's golf balls," the man responds.

"Oh," says the blonde. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home...

As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket.

"Tennis ball" the man said.

"Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!"

An old favorite for this festive day

A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident. She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks him, “Where is my son? He was really good at soccer, and had a long career ahead of him."

The doctor replies, “I’m so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg. He won’t be able to kick a soccer ball any more.”

The woman asks about her daughter. “Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at the US Open.”

The doctor says, “Sorry but in the accident she lost her arm and she won’t be able to pick up a racket any more.”

She begins to cry.

“Doctor,” asks the woman, “how long have I been in this coma?”

The doctor replies, “Six months.”

“So what’s the date?” asks the woman.

“April 1st,” says the doctor.

The woman begins to laugh “So you were joking then, were you?”

Doctor: “YES… they both died on impact.”

Blonde and Golf Balls

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply
about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Facebook delivered this Obama joke, I found it funny...

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"

Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day"

Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

Two brothers live together, and one of them makes tennis equipment for people with gigantism.

Late one night, he is up, hard at work, when his brother knocks on the door. He gets up from his desk, and answers the door.

"What do you want?" he asks.

His brother responds: "Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop making a huge racket?"

A billionaire throws a party for the whole town....

A billionaire throws a party for the whole town. He has everything a billionaire could possibly have including: tennis courts, go cart track, mini-golf, private airplane, and a huge mansion. The main attraction however is the biggest swimming pool you've ever seen, and inside that pool, the worlds biggest alligator.


At the end of the party he makes a announcement, 'Before everyone leaves Id like to make a challenge, Whoever can swim across my swimming pool without getting eaten by the alligator can have one of three things. (1. A billion dollars) (2. Half my estate) (or 3. My daughters hand in marriage). No one however has the guts to do so and the party ends and everyone goes home.


The very next year he throws another party's just like the first and at the very end he challenges someone to the same challenge as before. However no one has the guts the 2nd year either and everyone leaves.


The third year comes and he decides to throw one more party, and at the end of the party he gives his challenge one more time. Just as he is finishing saying what he will give the lucky guy who can swim across, He hears a splash of someone jumping in. He looks over to see this guy swimming as fast as he possibly can across the pool with the alligator chasing after him. Everyone in town is cheering him on as the alligator is snapping it's jaw at his feet. The man reaches the end of the pool and 3 men pull him up as the alligator snaps his shoe off.


The billionaire rushes over and he exclaims, 'THAT WAS THE BRAVESET THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!! Which choice do you want out of the three?!?! The man is breathing so heavily he can't speak. The bilionare asks, 'Do you want a billion dollars?' The man replies with heavy breathing 'No no No'. The billionaire responds with 'You're a smart man you must want half my estate'. The man replies with heavy breathing still 'No No gasp No'. The billionaire goes 'Ok you are even smarter than I thought. You may have my daughters hand in marriage.' The man replies still breathing heavily 'No No I don't want your daughter'. The billionaire now confused asks 'Than what do you possibly want?!?!?!' The man replies back with, 'I, I just want the na, name of the gu, guy who pushed me in.

A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident.

She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks, "Where's my son? He's really good at soccer and has a long career ahead of him."

The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry- in the accident he lost his leg. He will not be able to kick a soccer ball any more."

Getting anxious, the woman asks about her daughter. "Doctor, where is my daughter? She's a tennis prodigy, and will likely win the US Open one day!"

The doctor says, "Sorry, but in the accident she lost her arm and will not be able to pick up a racket ever again."

The woman begins to cry.

"Doctor, how long have I been in this coma?"

"About a month," he replies.

"So what's the date?" asks the woman.

"April 1st," the doctor says, grinning.

The woman begins to laugh. "Ha, so you were joking all along, weren't you?"

Chuckling, the doctor says, "Yep! They both died on impact!"

A blonde is on the bus when this guy gets on with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sits down next to her. The confused blonde keeps looking at him and his bulging pockets...

He notices her looking and eventually, after many such glances from her, he says, “It’s golf balls.”

Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look at him for a very long time, appearing to think deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, she can’t contain her curiosity any more and asks, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

Take that back Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back....

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?...:)

He's My Brother!

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”

“Eight,” the boy replied.

The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”

The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes," the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of that!"

The Psychic

Fearing her marriage is crumbling, a middle-aged woman visits a highly respected psychic renown for the accuracy of her predictions.

In a dark and hazy room, she tells the psychic of her fears and growing unhappiness.

The mystic peers into her crystal ball, then looks at the woman and delivers the grave news: "There's no easy way to say this... Your husband is planning to move all of the money in your joint account to an offshore bank, then file for divorce and marry his tennis instructor." She sighs heavily, peers again into the crystal ball, then gasps. "Wait!" she says. "You must prepare yourself. Before he can do these things, he will die a violent and horrible death."

Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the psychic's lined face, then at the crystal ball, then down at her hands. She takes a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply has to know.

She meets the fortune teller's gaze, steadies her voice, and asks: "Will I be acquitted?"

A guy asks his girl friend to marry him...

A guy asks his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamborghini Countach - she loves this car and she goes everywhere in it.
One day, she picks up her kids from school. She's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor, "Where is my son? He was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham."

The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he won't be able to kick a football any more."

The woman asks about her daughter. "Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at Wimbledon."

The doctor says, "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she won't be able to pick up a racket any more."
She begins to cry.

"Doctor," asks the woman, "how long have I been in this coma?"

The doctor replies, "Six months."

"So what's the date?" asks the woman.

"April 1st," says the doctor.

The woman begins to laugh "So you were joking then, were you?"


Doctor: "YES... they both died on impact."

Husband leaves letter for wife

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 22\-year\-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset—I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 22 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 22 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

A wife finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning...

My dear wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongfully interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 19 year old secretary at the comfort inn hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.

*When the man came home late that night, he found the following note on the dining table...*

My dear husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young virile and, like your secretary, is 19 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 19 goes into 57 more times than 57 goes into 19. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.