Irish Jokes

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Funniest Irish Jokes

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes. What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?


Rick O Shea

Funny Irish Jokes

An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute. her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a prostitute" then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"

Why are Irish bankers so successful? Because their capital's always Dublin.

Why are the Irish so rich? Their capital is always Dublin. Hehe

Why are there no Irish lawyers? They can't pass the bar.

How many shots can an Irish man handle? about 10 rounds.

Edit: (Mayweather vs McGregor)

I can make you speak Irish Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? There's one less drunk at the funeral.

What do you call an Irish baker? A ginger bread man.

Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.

What is the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral? One fewer drunk person.

Edit: Fewer, not less

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup? Because one more and they would get too farty

What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral? There‘s one less drunk.

An Irish guy walks out of a bar... I mean, it could happen.

What do you call three Irish lumberjacks? Tree fellers
Edit: Wooo gold!

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting. They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

What's more Irish than eating potatoes? Not eating potatoes.

Two Irish men walk out of a bar Yes, it happens

What's more Irish than potatoes? No potatoes.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drinker

At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled: "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living"

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

so my Irish friend told his town he was an atheist...... One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

What's the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Patrick's Day.

Why does Irish chili only have 239 beans? Because anymore and it'd be too farty.

Why are there no Irish lawyers? You ever seen an Irishman pass a bar?

What´s the difference between an irish funeral and an irish wedding? At the funeral one person isnt drinking

I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato

Mom, I want to be a prostitute when I grow up. "Mom, I want to be a prostitute when I grow up." Said the Irish girl.

"A what?" Replied the mother with a startled expression on her face.

"A prostitute."

"Oh, a prostitute. Thank god, I thought you said a Protestant."

Did you know that Irish only put 239 beans in their chili?? If they added just one more, it would be too-farty!

Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew? Because one more, and it'd be too farty.

What's Irish and stays out on your deck? Paddy O'furniture

What do you call an Irish woman with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene.

What do you call a Japanese woman with the same affliction?

Irene.

What's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding? One less drunk...

Irish weather is like a Muslim... Its either Sunni or Shi'ite

Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.

Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos.

An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar.. He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "damned if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"

Why can't Irish people become lawyers? Because of their inability to pass the bar!

Credit to my dad for this one

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk guy.

why are irish men so rich? because their capital is dublin

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in the cookpot? Because one more would be too farty.

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New Irish Jokes

I want to see if this Irish joke translates An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Have you heard of the Irish guy who fixes garden chairs? His name is Paddy O'Furniture

The MC at an Irish wedding made a toast. "Can all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their lives meaningful". ...The bartender was subsequently crushed to death.

What do you call a large gathering of Irish people? Lepre-con

What do you call an Irish baker? A ginger bread man

I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity. Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.


Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."

An English man, Irish man and Scottish man An English man, Irish man and Scottish man walk into a Bar


Those were the days

Everyone’s heard The Rolling Stones song that says “Hey, you, get off of my cloud” Less well known is the Irish version, that goes “Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe”

What's Irish and stays outside all year long? Patty O'Furniture

An Irish man walks out of a pub Thanks for your upvote

Which stroke is the Irish swimmer’s favourite? Margaret Thatcher’s...

Why do Catholics and Irish people always fail trigonometry? Because the catholics are afraid of Sin and the Irish people can't Tan.

How many Irish men does it take to change a light bulb? One but he has to be drunk so the room spins around while he holds the lightbulb.

What's the difference between and Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral? One less drunk...

Why do you never see an Irish lawyer? Because an Irishman will never pass the bar.

What's the difference between a irish wedding and an irish funeral? One person isn't drinking.

What do you call a ginger redneck with clinical depression? Billie Irish

A boy goes to his grandfather and asks him for 5 bucks to buy a Guinea pig. Grampa gives him ten and tells him to go find a nice Irish girl instead.

What’s the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding? One less drunk at the Irish funeral!

What's an Irish swimmer's favorite stroke? Margaret Thatcher's.

I'm Irish and Italian. Half Gaelic, half garlic.

One of my Irish buddies tried to develop an electric car... It didn't have great range as he couldn't get a long enough extension cord!

An Irish swimmer, A British swimmer and an American swimmer were at the Olympics The American asks

"What's your favourite stroke?
"Mines the butterfly"

The British swimmer says

"The backstroke"

The Irish swimmer says

"Margaret Thatcher's"

Today I learned how to make an Irish cocktail. Take a half glass of whiskey and add it to another half glass of whiskey.

What’s Irish and stays out all night? Patty O’Furniture

Why are Irish people so rich? Their capital is always Dublin

Irish scientists succeeded in crossing four leaf clovers with poison ivy. It’s confirmed it gives you a rash of good luck.

Why did the Irish steal kilts from the Scottish? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

​

Have a safe and Happy St. Paddy's day you CUNTYBOLLOCKS!

What do you call an Irish millionaire? A ginger bread man.

What's the difference between St Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day? Everyone wants to be Irish on St Patrick's day..

Yesterday was my Irish Uncle second anniversary being sober. Yeah he's been in a coma for 2 years.

What's the most stereotypical Irish name? Klee Shea

An Irish man walked out of a bar... Theoretically, it could happen...

What's more Irish than potatoes? Not having potatoes

(Dont know who came up with this joke but I love it)

At an Irish wedding The MC told all the married men to stand with the person that helped them the most through tough times.

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

So an Irish man walks out of a bar... Hahaha I know, I couldn’t believe it either!

What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather? Paddy O'Furniture.

Why do Irish people only put 239 beans in their chili? If they add one more it would be too farty.

Who's Irish and sits outside all year round? Patty O'Furniture

Why do the Irish only put two hundred and thirty nine beans in their chili? Because if they added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

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Long Irish Jokes

A prostitute? Awesome!!!

Irish Prostitute

Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.

"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"

"I want two more of these, then!"

An Irishman and his son went to the zoo...

A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age”

The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times.

“Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”

The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun...

A moment later the elephant farts and stomps twice...

“Bajaysus that’s right” said the father, “I am farty two!”

A Texan walks into an Irish pub...

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

A Texan walks into an Irish bar...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)

The Irish Prostitue

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

Irish fisherman

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
‘And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth.'

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'...

Teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
“Well done, Roland," says the teacher, "can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my Dad says it will take the contagious."

The CEOs of Budweiser, Coors, Killian's, and Guinness walk into a bar....

...and the bartender takes orders. The CEO of Budweiser says "I'll take a Bud Light. It's crisp, refreshing, and doesn't hurt the budget!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Coors says "I'll take a Coors light. It's colder, even more refreshing, and won't give you a beer gut!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Killian's says "These guys are amateurs, give me a Killian's Irish Red. It's smooth, flavorful, and distinct!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Guinness says "I'll have a water."

The others give a confused look. The bartender says "but... why aren't you ordering a beer?"

He responds, "well, nobody else did."

An American man is drinking in a pub in Ireland...

He stands up and says "If anyone here can drink 10 pints of guiness in 10 minutes I'll give him 100 dollars!"


No one answers him and one man walks out of the pub.


The American goes back to his drink and someone taps him on the shoulder 15 minutes later. It was the Irish man who had walked out earlier. "Does your bet still stand?" He asks.


The American says yes and gets him his pints. The Irishman then drinks all 10 in 10 minutes.


The American gives him his money, he says "That was amazing! But why did you leave earlier?"


The Irish man says "I went to the pub across the road to make sure I could do it first!"

An Irish Lumberjack

A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.

The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.

"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.

"*Holy smokes!*" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.

Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"

"Is that what they call it now?"

A Russian and an Irish wrestler

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match
started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each otherseveral times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the
Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a
cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler
alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No
one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he
got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my
eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls'

**Edit:** This post took me to the front page for the first time. Thank you all!!! Too bad this sub doesn't give karma for submissions

Paddy was sitting in his local pub when a fine looking Italian woman walks in.

He offered her a drink and over the course of the night he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs. She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.

They had a passionate affair all that summer.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money and told her to go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

He said that if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

One with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

A teacher asks her class

to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

An Irish man walks into a pub.

The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

The Irish Square testicals

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.


The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.


The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.


The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'


The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $10,000 that your testicles are square.'


The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.


The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'


'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $10,000 that my testicles are not square.'


'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'


'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.


That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.


The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square


The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.


The president was happy to oblige.


The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'


The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland '

I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul.

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.

The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."

"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"

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