It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.
What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea
An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute. her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a prostitute" then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? There's one less drunk at the funeral.
What do you call an Irish baker?
A ginger bread man.
Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.
What is the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
One fewer drunk person.
Edit: Fewer, not less
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup? Because one more and they would get too farty
The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting. They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.
At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled:
"Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living"
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
so my Irish friend told his town he was an atheist...... One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"
What's the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Patrick's Day.
What´s the difference between an irish funeral and an irish wedding? At the funeral one person isnt drinking
Mom, I want to be a prostitute when I grow up.
"Mom, I want to be a prostitute when I grow up." Said the Irish girl.
"A what?" Replied the mother with a startled expression on her face.
"Oh, a prostitute. Thank god, I thought you said a Protestant."
Did you know that Irish only put 239 beans in their chili?? If they added just one more, it would be too-farty!
What do you call an Irish woman with one leg shorter than the other?
What do you call a Japanese woman with the same affliction?
Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin
Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.
Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos.
An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..
He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "damned if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"
Why can't Irish people become lawyers?
Because of their inability to pass the bar!
Credit to my dad for this one
The MC at an Irish wedding made a toast. "Can all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their lives meaningful". ...The bartender was subsequently crushed to death.
I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.
Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.
Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."
An English man, Irish man and Scottish man
An English man, Irish man and Scottish man walk into a Bar
Those were the days
Everyone’s heard The Rolling Stones song that says “Hey, you, get off of my cloud” Less well known is the Irish version, that goes “Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe”
Why do Catholics and Irish people always fail trigonometry? Because the catholics are afraid of Sin and the Irish people can't Tan.
How many Irish men does it take to change a light bulb? One but he has to be drunk so the room spins around while he holds the lightbulb.
What's the difference between a irish wedding and an irish funeral? One person isn't drinking.
A boy goes to his grandfather and asks him for 5 bucks to buy a Guinea pig. Grampa gives him ten and tells him to go find a nice Irish girl instead.
What’s the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding? One less drunk at the Irish funeral!
One of my Irish buddies tried to develop an electric car... It didn't have great range as he couldn't get a long enough extension cord!
An Irish swimmer, A British swimmer and an American swimmer were at the Olympics
The American asks
"What's your favourite stroke?
"Mines the butterfly"
The British swimmer says
The Irish swimmer says
Today I learned how to make an Irish cocktail. Take a half glass of whiskey and add it to another half glass of whiskey.
Irish scientists succeeded in crossing four leaf clovers with poison ivy. It’s confirmed it gives you a rash of good luck.
Why did the Irish steal kilts from the Scottish?
Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
Have a safe and Happy St. Paddy's day you CUNTYBOLLOCKS!
What's the difference between St Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day? Everyone wants to be Irish on St Patrick's day..
Yesterday was my Irish Uncle second anniversary being sober. Yeah he's been in a coma for 2 years.
What's more Irish than potatoes?
Not having potatoes
(Dont know who came up with this joke but I love it)
At an Irish wedding
The MC told all the married men to stand with the person that helped them the most through tough times.
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Why do Irish people only put 239 beans in their chili? If they add one more it would be too farty.