Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar... I don’t remember the rest.
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says bartender.
Two men are drinking in a bar
They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.
The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"
So they swapped sandwiches.
[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this
A horse walked into a bar
Horse: Yes please
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...
A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"
The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.” A tachyon walks into a bar.
A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.
A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"
The judge responds "what's she doing"
The guy says "looking for me"
I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
A blind man walks into a bar The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!" The blind man says "same"
So Donald Trump walks into a bar... and lowers it
A 60 years old billionaire came to the bar with his gorgeous 25 years old wife.
Friend : How did you marry her?
Billionaire : I lied about my age.
Friend : You said 45?
Billionaire : No, I said 90.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.
A cat walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."
The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Christen: Thank you.
So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
An Irish guy walks out of a bar.... It could happen.
A Jake Paul fan walked into a bar and got kicked out for being 10.
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me! On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” "Because…He’s my newt.
Sorry sir, we don't serve time travelers here A time traveler walks into a bar
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.
A racist, a womanizer, and a rapist walked into a bar... ...the bartender says "how may I help you, Mr. President?"
Two fat ladies walk into a bar
They order drinks, in a thick accent.
"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.
Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"
The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.
A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day... ...The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer
The bartender nods,
"and how about one for the road?"
I had posted this on Clean Jokes, just thought you guys would appreciate it.
So, The Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar
It was tense.
A naked lady goes to a bar, asks for a drink
A naked lady goes to a bar, asks for a drink.
Bartender stares at her. Lady said, "Never seen a nude woman?"
Bartender replied, "Nah, just wondering, how are you going to pay?"
I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..." "...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."
A vegan, a girl with a boyfriend and a student walk into a bar.. Who tells you first?
A roman walks into a bar, sticks 2 fingers up and says 5 beers please.
A lady walks into a bar and orders a double entendre... ...and the bartender gives it to her.
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "We don't serve food here."
Mao Zedong, Stalin, Hitler, and Ellen Pao walk into a bar... (user was banned for this post)
Why did the the ghost go into the bar? For the boos
Why does the Norway navy have bar codes on the side of the ships? So when they get back to port they can Scandinavian.
An atheist, a vegan, and a feminist walked into a bar.
How did I know?
They all admitted it within 5 minutes of being here.
Two bacteria walk into a grungy bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here!" And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."
Why do astronauts get drunk when writing an email? Because they keep hitting the space bar.
A guitarist goes to a bar
He orders a gin and tonic
then pulls out his guitar and starts playing.
The bartender asks, "diet tonic?"
To which the guitarist replies:
An atheist and vegan and pro-life walk to a bar I know cause they told everyone In 5 sec
So girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre... So he gives it to her.
Where do midgets go to have a drink? the mini bar
Black hole goes into a bar and orders a drink.
Barman: "Would you like something to eat with that Sir?"
Black hole: "No thank you, I'm a light eater."
Two guys were in a bar with their blonde girlfriends
Guy 1: "Do you know why blondes are so good at giving head?"
Guy 2: No, why?
Guy 1: its because they've got a vacuum between their ears
Blonde girlfriend: "well, at least its better than nothing!"
A piece of ham walks into a bar. “We don’t serve food here”, says the bartender.
A blond man walks into a bar
He sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself, so he goes over to introduce himself.
"Hello miss, my name is Billy. Can I buy you a drink?"
She says, "I'm Amanda."
The man says, "Oh, I'm sorry to bother you, sir." and leaves.
A nerd walked into bar He wasn't wearing his glasses
A talking grasshopper walks into a bar
Bartender: we have a drink named after you
Grasshopper: what? You have a drink named Gary?
I’m broke, and I am drinking at the bar where my ex girlfriend works. I am hoping she would give me another shot.
So a black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder the bartender says “Wow that’s cool! Where’d you get it” “Africa” says the parrot
Two guys were chatting in the bar
"So how's it go with that chick last night? She was an English teacher , right?"
"Yeah, she got dressed and left a few minutes after we got in bed"
"Shame. Why'd she do so?"
"I guess she didn't like my improper use of the colon."
A termite goes into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
A black guy and a white guy each drink 3 beers at a bar, who pays the bill? They each pay for their own because men aren’t complicated
A pro Limbo Dancer walks into a bar. He is immediately disqualified from the competition.
A Buzzfeed writer walked into a bar... You won’t BELIEVE what they asked for!
A termite walks into a tavern and asks... “Is the bar tender here?”
What’s a feminists favorite candy bar? Hershey
Two guys stumble out of a bar on night to fight.
The first man draws a line in the dirt and says " if you cross this line i'll punch you"
That was the punch line.
A woman walked into a bar and said to the barman, ‘I’d like a Double Entendre.’ So he gave her one.
A woman sitting at a bar orders a double entendre... He gives it to her
An atheist walks into a bar that's full, and someone gets up and offers him a space. Why doesn't he take it? Because then he'd be a theist.
Two elderly men in a bar...
...one pipes up and asks his mate
"as we get older would you prefer Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"
Second man replies "Parkinsons, it will be bad enough spilling half my pint, never mind forgetting where I left it!"
a man and harambe walk in to a bar
bartender: what will you fine gentleman have?
man: no, you'll have ice
bartender: just ice?
man: yes, justice for harambe
A narcissist, a misogynist, and a bigot walks into a bar... Bartender says, what'll it be Mr. President?
An atheist and a vegan walk into a bar... The only reason I know this is because they both told everybody.
An astronaut and an alien walk into a space bar...
The astronaut doesn't say anything to the alien.
The alien doesn't say anything to the astronaut.
A guy wearing a turban walks into a bar The bartender asks "Is this some sort of Sikh joke?"
A construction worker decided to go to a bar for a few drinks He got hammered.
An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fit enthusiast walk into a bar. And everyone knows because he won't shut up about it.
So I ordered the 50 cent at the bar last night... The bartender gave me 9 shots and took all my money
20 blondes are standing outside a bar. On the other side of the street another blond is walking by; "Hey, come over here. You have to be 21 to enter"
A liar, a murderer, a cheater walk in to a bar... The Patriots must be in town.
A crossfitter, an atheist, and a vegan walk into a bar I only know because they told everyone.
So a guy came into a bar...
No... wait, it was a horse.
So a guy came into a horse...
A woman site down next to a man in a bar and says, "You smell good, What do you have on?" The man says, "I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it."
A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar and orders a drink, then discovers he has to go to the bathroom. To stop anyone stealing his drink he puts a note on it saying, ‘I spat in this beer.’ When he returns he finds another note saying, ‘So did I!’
Today my girlfriend asked me; if I was a candy bar, which candy bar would I be? I said "Big Hunk. Because not many people like me, especially when they're not expecting my nuts in their mouth"
Pirate walks into bar. Barkeep notices a steering wheel attached to the pirate's groin, asks about it. "Aarrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
Translated from danish: 2 drunk sits in a bar.
One says: My dog keeps chasing people on a bicycle.....
The other guy things for a bit then replies: Then why don't you take the bicycle from it?.... (c:
A grasshopper walks into a bar...
...the bartender glances at him and says: "Hey! We got a drink here named after you!"
And the grasshopper says "What, Larry?"
A babe walks into a bar and orders a double entendre So the bartender gave it to her
Why is the alcoholic law student sad? Because he couldn't pass the bar.
Matt Schaub and Eli Manning walk into a bar. What happened? They order a beer sampler and the bartender tells them to pick 6.
A man who speaks Latin walks into a bar. He sits down and orders his drink.
"I'll have a martinus, please."
The bartender is confused. "Do you mean a martini?"
"No thanks, I'll start with one for now."
A hamburger and an order of french fries goes into a bar...... the bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
A man walks into a bar with some tarmac under his arm... And said: "one for me and one for the road"
There is a new drink at my bar. It's called a Sandy. It's basically a watered down Manhattan.
A guy using Apple Maps walks into a bar... or maybe a hospital... possibly a church.
An ultralow frequency sine wave radiates into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why the long phase?"
So a Nun, a Rabi, a Lion, a Zombie, a Leprechaun, a goldfish, a Space Alien, a pair of Siamese twins, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
The Past, the present & the future walked into a Bar. It was tense.
A guy comes into a bar. No wait.. it was a horse. So, a guy comes into a horse...
So a string walks into a bar... and the bartender says to him, "Hey no strings allowed. Get out!" So he goes out side, messes himself up, ties himself up, and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string from earlier?" "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."