Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar... I don’t remember the rest.
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says bartender.
Two men are drinking in a bar
They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.
The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"
So they swapped sandwiches.
[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this
A horse walked into a bar
Horse: Yes please
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...
A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"
The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.” A tachyon walks into a bar.
A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.
A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"
The judge responds "what's she doing"
The guy says "looking for me"
I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
A blind man walks into a bar The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!" The blind man says "same"
So Donald Trump walks into a bar... and lowers it
A 60 years old billionaire came to the bar with his gorgeous 25 years old wife.
Friend : How did you marry her?
Billionaire : I lied about my age.
Friend : You said 45?
Billionaire : No, I said 90.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.
A cat walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."
The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Christen: Thank you.
So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
An Irish guy walks out of a bar.... It could happen.
A Jake Paul fan walked into a bar and got kicked out for being 10.
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me! On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” "Because…He’s my newt.
Sorry sir, we don't serve time travelers here A time traveler walks into a bar
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.
A racist, a womanizer, and a rapist walked into a bar... ...the bartender says "how may I help you, Mr. President?"
Two fat ladies walk into a bar
They order drinks, in a thick accent.
"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.
Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"
The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.
A horse walks into a bar and requests "Hello, I'd like some anthropomorphization please" The bartender replies: "I think you've had enough already"
C and a C++ walked into a bar... The C spilled his beer all over the C++'s shirt. Outraged, C++ shouted, "Good god, man! Have you no class?"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer
The bartender nods,
"and how about one for the road?"
Fat girl on a table
I went to bar , and there was a fat girl dancing on the tables
" nice legs" I said
" you think so?" She replied
" Sure,most tables would have collapsed by now!"
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a haircut and wore nicer clothes, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I 'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
A vegan, a girl with a boyfriend and a student walk into a bar.. Who tells you first?
A roman walks into a bar, sticks 2 fingers up and says 5 beers please.
A black dude walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bar tender goes "Awesome, Where'd you get that?"
The parrot replies "Africa, there's thousands of them there."
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "We don't serve food here."
Mao Zedong, Stalin, Hitler, and Ellen Pao walk into a bar... (user was banned for this post)
Why did the the ghost go into the bar? For the boos
Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the sides of their ships? So when they return from battle they can Scandinavian
Why does the Norway navy have bar codes on the side of the ships? So when they get back to port they can Scandinavian.
A black man walks in to a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says "thats a unique species where did you get it?" "I got it from Africa," said the parrot.
A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar...
The bar tender looks up
"What is this? A joke?"
Why do astronauts get drunk when writing an email? Because they keep hitting the space bar.
In the 1990's, you could go into any store with just a dollar and get a soda, a bag of chips, and a candy bar. Now you can't. Why? Because there's cameras everywhere now
A guitarist goes to a bar
He orders a gin and tonic
then pulls out his guitar and starts playing.
The bartender asks, "diet tonic?"
To which the guitarist replies:
A Republican, Christian, Vegetarian and the Nicest man ever walks into a bar And only orders water because Mr. Rogers didn't drink
Water and heat walk into a bar... It was steamy..
An idiot, a misogynist and a rapist walks into a bar... ...the bartender says "what can I get you Mr. President?"
Two bacteria walk into a bar, then into the staff area.
The barman says “get out!”
The bacteria say “don’t worry, we’re staph”
Thor and Loki enter a bar. Thor asks for two beers to start off and gets very drunk, but Loki only has water and soda the whole night. They get into a fight with each other. Even though Loki was sober, they both leave the bar hammered.
A priest, a monk and a rabbi walk into a bar.
A buzzfeed writer and a terrorist walked into a bar What happened next will blow your mind!
Black hole goes into a bar and orders a drink.
Barman: "Would you like something to eat with that Sir?"
Black hole: "No thank you, I'm a light eater."
Jussie Smollett walks into a bar fight... There was no fight
A man was having a heart attack at a bar When a patron yelled out, "Does anyone know CPR", the place went silent, then a drunk at the back yelled out "I do... I even know the whole alphabet". Everybody laughed. Well except for this one guy.
A nerd walked into bar He wasn't wearing his glasses
A termite walks into a bar and asked... Is the bar tender here?
A talking grasshopper walks into a bar
Bartender: we have a drink named after you
Grasshopper: what? You have a drink named Gary?
I’m broke, and I am drinking at the bar where my ex girlfriend works. I am hoping she would give me another shot.
Why does Norway's Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships? So when they come back to port they can... Scandinavian.
So a black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder the bartender says “Wow that’s cool! Where’d you get it” “Africa” says the parrot
A women walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre So the bar tender gives it to her.
Vincent Van Gogh is having a pint…
His mate Gauguin walks in to the bar and says,
“ Hi Vinny, fancy a beer?”
“ No thanks , I’ve got one ‘ere…”.
A black guy and a white guy each drink 3 beers at a bar, who pays the bill? They each pay for their own because men aren’t complicated
A termite walks into a tavern and asks... “Is the bar tender here?”
Two guys stumble out of a bar on night to fight.
The first man draws a line in the dirt and says " if you cross this line i'll punch you"
That was the punch line.
A woman walked into a bar and said to the barman, ‘I’d like a Double Entendre.’ So he gave her one.
Roy Moore walks into a bar and orders a 10 year old scotch, and water
The bartender says "here's your scotch and water."
Roy Moore asks "where's my 10 year old?"
Thor and Pikachu walk into a bar and get in a fight with the bartender. They were both overcharged.
A woman sitting at a bar orders a double entendre... He gives it to her
An atheist walks into a bar that's full, and someone gets up and offers him a space. Why doesn't he take it? Because then he'd be a theist.
Two elderly men in a bar...
...one pipes up and asks his mate
"as we get older would you prefer Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"
Second man replies "Parkinsons, it will be bad enough spilling half my pint, never mind forgetting where I left it!"
a man and harambe walk in to a bar
bartender: what will you fine gentleman have?
man: no, you'll have ice
bartender: just ice?
man: yes, justice for harambe
How is a bar similar to a woman? Liquor in the front and poker in the back.
A narcissist, a misogynist, and a bigot walks into a bar... Bartender says, what'll it be Mr. President?
An atheist and a vegan walk into a bar... The only reason I know this is because they both told everybody.
An astronaut and an alien walk into a space bar...
The astronaut doesn't say anything to the alien.
The alien doesn't say anything to the astronaut.
A guy wearing a turban walks into a bar The bartender asks "Is this some sort of Sikh joke?"
Comic Sans Serif walks into a bar.... ... the bartender says: "Get out! We don't serve your type here! "
A construction worker decided to go to a bar for a few drinks He got hammered.
An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fit enthusiast walk into a bar. And everyone knows because he won't shut up about it.
So I ordered the 50 cent at the bar last night... The bartender gave me 9 shots and took all my money
20 blondes are standing outside a bar. On the other side of the street another blond is walking by; "Hey, come over here. You have to be 21 to enter"
A liar, a murderer, a cheater walk in to a bar... The Patriots must be in town.
One hundred bacteria walk into a bar... of soap and get eradicated. There is only one survivor.
A crossfitter, an atheist, and a vegan walk into a bar I only know because they told everyone.
A Spanish, Greek and Portuguese man go to a bar. Who pays for the drinks? The German!
So a guy came into a bar...
No... wait, it was a horse.
So a guy came into a horse...
A woman site down next to a man in a bar and says, "You smell good, What do you have on?" The man says, "I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it."
Today my girlfriend asked me; if I was a candy bar, which candy bar would I be? I said "Big Hunk. Because not many people like me, especially when they're not expecting my nuts in their mouth"
A woman in this bar just told me she wants to have my babies.... Watch my beer while I go home and get them.
He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey. A time traveler walks into a bar.
A girl walks into a bar and ask the bartender for a double entendre so he gives it to her.
An intellectual once went into a bar and asked for a martinus...
"Surely, you mean a 'martini', right?" - Said the bartender.
The intellectual looked at him coldly and said - 'If I wanted two, I'd have asked for them"
So a man and a giraffe walk into a bar... and drink until the giraffe passes out. The man goes to leave and the bartender yells, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!" Man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
There is a new drink at my bar. It's called a Sandy. It's basically a watered down Manhattan.
What's a Mexican's favorite candy bar? A payday