Bar Jokes

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Funniest Bar Jokes

Funny Bar Jokes
Score: 24914

Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar... I don’t remember the rest.

Score: 21665

A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says bartender.

Score: 16313

Two men are drinking in a bar They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

Score: 15099

[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

Score: 13232

An infinite number of people walk into a bar... The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...


The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

Score: 11990

Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...

Score: 11974

A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"

Score: 10850

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.” A tachyon walks into a bar.

Score: 10622

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.

Score: 9677

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight" The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

Score: 9598

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 7563

A blind man walks into a bar The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!" The blind man says "same"

Score: 6864

So Donald Trump walks into a bar... and lowers it

Score: 6815

A 60 years old billionaire came to the bar with his gorgeous 25 years old wife. Friend : How did you marry her?

Billionaire : I lied about my age.

Friend : You said 45?

Billionaire : No, I said 90.

Score: 6707

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.

Score: 6013

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

Score: 5284

A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt. The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”

Score: 3933

A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves" The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

Score: 3654

Two friends are having a chat in a bar. Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?

Kristen: sure.

Christen: Thank you.

Kris: Anytime.

Score: 3311

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

Score: 2913

An Irish guy walks out of a bar.... It could happen.

Score: 2901

A Jake Paul fan walked into a bar and got kicked out for being 10.

Score: 2708

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me! On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

Score: 2521

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” "Because…He’s my newt.

Score: 2442

Sorry sir, we don't serve time travelers here A time traveler walks into a bar

Score: 2352

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar... An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

Score: 2342

A racist, a womanizer, and a rapist walked into a bar... ...the bartender says "how may I help you, Mr. President?"

Score: 2324

Two fat ladies walk into a bar They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

Score: 2313

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.

Score: 2194

Happy Halloween... Why did the Ghost enter the bar... For the BOOOOS

Score: 522

10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar... 10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"

Score: 308

C and a C++ walked into a bar... The C spilled his beer all over the C++'s shirt. Outraged, C++ shouted, "Good god, man! Have you no class?"

Score: 242

I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..." "...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."

Score: 166

A husband and wife are sitting in a bar. They see a man downing beer across the room.

The wife says: "He proposed to me ten years ago, and I said no."

The husband responds: "And he's still celebrating!"

Score: 146

An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar.. He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "damned if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"

Score: 112

Why can't Irish people become lawyers? Because of their inability to pass the bar!

Credit to my dad for this one

Score: 107

Mao Zedong, Stalin, Hitler, and Ellen Pao walk into a bar... (user was banned for this post)

Score: 90

A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm going to shoot whoever slept with my wife"! A man shouts from the back, "You don't got enough bullets, bud"!

Score: 70

A black guy and a white guy each drink 3 beers at a bar, who pays the bill? They each pay for their own because men aren’t complicated

Score: 54

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New Bar Jokes

Why did the the ghost go into the bar? For the boos

Score: 8

Why does the Norway navy have bar codes on the side of the ships? So when they get back to port they can Scandinavian.

Score: 18

An atheist, a vegan, and a feminist walked into a bar. How did I know?

They all admitted it within 5 minutes of being here.

Score: 14

Two bacteria walk into a grungy bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here!" And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."

Score: 21

Why do astronauts get drunk when writing an email? Because they keep hitting the space bar.

Score: 9

A guitarist goes to a bar He orders a gin and tonic

then pulls out his guitar and starts playing.

The bartender asks, "diet tonic?"

To which the guitarist replies:

"No, Pentatonic."

Score: 9

An atheist and vegan and pro-life walk to a bar I know cause they told everyone In 5 sec

Score: 11

So girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre... So he gives it to her.

Score: 8

Where do midgets go to have a drink? the mini bar

Score: 10

Black hole goes into a bar and orders a drink. Barman: "Would you like something to eat with that Sir?"

Black hole: "No thank you, I'm a light eater."

Score: 19

Two guys were in a bar with their blonde girlfriends Guy 1: "Do you know why blondes are so good at giving head?"

Guy 2: No, why?

Guy 1: its because they've got a vacuum between their ears

Blonde girlfriend: "well, at least its better than nothing!"

Score: 20

A piece of ham walks into a bar. “We don’t serve food here”, says the bartender.

Score: 31

A blond man walks into a bar He sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself, so he goes over to introduce himself.

"Hello miss, my name is Billy. Can I buy you a drink?"

She says, "I'm Amanda."

The man says, "Oh, I'm sorry to bother you, sir." and leaves.

Score: 13

A nerd walked into bar He wasn't wearing his glasses

Score: 15

A talking grasshopper walks into a bar Bartender: we have a drink named after you

Grasshopper: what? You have a drink named Gary?

Score: 8

I’m broke, and I am drinking at the bar where my ex girlfriend works. I am hoping she would give me another shot.

Score: 19

So a black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder the bartender says “Wow that’s cool! Where’d you get it” “Africa” says the parrot

Score: 30

Two guys were chatting in the bar "So how's it go with that chick last night? She was an English teacher , right?"

"Yeah, she got dressed and left a few minutes after we got in bed"

"Shame. Why'd she do so?"

"I guess she didn't like my improper use of the colon."

Score: 10

A termite goes into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Score: 19

A pro Limbo Dancer walks into a bar. He is immediately disqualified from the competition.

Score: 25

A Buzzfeed writer walked into a bar... You won’t BELIEVE what they asked for!

Score: 22

A termite walks into a tavern and asks... “Is the bar tender here?”

Score: 27

What’s a feminists favorite candy bar? Hershey

Score: 17

A woman walked into a bar and said to the barman, ‘I’d like a Double Entendre.’ So he gave her one.

Score: 13

Thor and Pikachu walk into a bar and get in a fight with the bartender. They were both overcharged.

Score: 7

How did the farmer plan to pick up the hot girl at the bar? A tractor

Score: 8

Two elderly men in a bar... ...one pipes up and asks his mate
"as we get older would you prefer Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"

Second man replies "Parkinsons, it will be bad enough spilling half my pint, never mind forgetting where I left it!"

Score: 8

To the woman I met in the bar last night who was mad at me this morning I never said I had a PhD in theoretical physics. I said I had a theoretical PhD in physics.

Score: 25

Putin, Obama and Trump walk into a bar... ... the bartender looks up and says: "This isn't funny anymore!"

Score: 9

How is a bar similar to a woman? Liquor in the front and poker in the back.

Score: 7

A failed tv presenter, a disgraced newspaper editor and a phone hacker walk into a bar.... ..and the barman says "What'll it be, Piers?"

Score: 23

went to the same bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

Score: 18

An astronaut and an alien walk into a space bar... The astronaut doesn't say anything to the alien.

The alien doesn't say anything to the astronaut.

Score: 20

A man and his pet owl go to the bar together They had a hoot.

Score: 11

A vegan, a feminist, and a Stranger Things fan walk into a bar... I only know because they told everyone within two minutes...

Score: 7

A hamburger and some fries walk into a bar The bartender looks up and says, "we don't serve food here."

Score: 13

A Cuban, a Canadian, and a homophobic walk into a bar The bartender says, "What'll it be, Senator Cruz?"

Score: 15

Where is the best place to find Eskimo Lesbians? At the Klondike Bar.

Score: 10

A guy wearing a turban walks into a bar The bartender asks "Is this some sort of Sikh joke?"

Score: 8

Comic Sans Serif walks into a bar.... ... the bartender says: "Get out! We don't serve your type here! "

Score: 7

A construction worker decided to go to a bar for a few drinks He got hammered.

Score: 8

20 blondes are standing outside a bar. On the other side of the street another blond is walking by; "Hey, come over here. You have to be 21 to enter"

Score: 8

Helen Keler walked into a bar then a table.....then a chair.

Score: 37

One hundred bacteria walk into a bar... of soap and get eradicated. There is only one survivor.

Score: 9

A Spanish, Greek and Portuguese man go to a bar. Who pays for the drinks? The German!

Score: 7

A woman site down next to a man in a bar and says, "You smell good, What do you have on?" The man says, "I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it."

Score: 13

Some guy at the bar I went to last night told two horrible jokes about Malaysia Airlines. The first one received no response and the second one was shot down in flames.

Score: 30

What part of the computer the astronaut likes the most? A space bar.

Score: 19

Today my girlfriend asked me; if I was a candy bar, which candy bar would I be? I said "Big Hunk. Because not many people like me, especially when they're not expecting my nuts in their mouth"

Score: 11

What do a lonely astronaut and your thumbs have in common? They both hang out at the Space Bar.

Score: 12

A babe walks into a bar and orders a double entendre So the bartender gave it to her

Score: 10

Why is the alcoholic law student sad? Because he couldn't pass the bar.

Score: 36

A girl walks into a bar and ask the bartender for a double entendre so he gives it to her.

Score: 20

A hamburger and an order of french fries goes into a bar...... the bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Score: 9

An elf walks into a bar. (LOTR) The hobbit laughed and walked under it.

Score: 11

Why couldn't the golf club get a drink at the bar? Because it would be driving later

Score: 20

A liberal, a conservative and a libertarian walk in to a bar. Bartender says, what'll ya have Mitt?

Score: 50

Why did a seal go to the bar? .... Because he didn't want to go clubbing.

Score: 22

Man is in a bar, every time he takes a shot, looks in his front shirt pocket... ...after 5 shots, the bartender asks "Whats in there, then?"
Man replies "Its a photo of my wife, when she starts to look good, I go home".

Score: 10

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double-entendre... So he gives it to her.

Score: 45

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