Bar Jokes

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Funniest Bar Jokes

Funny Bar Jokes
Score: 24914

Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar... I don’t remember the rest.

Score: 21665

A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says bartender.

Score: 16313

Two men are drinking in a bar They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

Score: 15099

[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

Score: 13232

An infinite number of people walk into a bar... The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...


The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

Score: 11990

Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...

Score: 11974

A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"

Score: 10850

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.” A tachyon walks into a bar.

Score: 10622

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.

Score: 9677

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight" The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

Score: 9598

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 7563

A blind man walks into a bar The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!" The blind man says "same"

Score: 6864

So Donald Trump walks into a bar... and lowers it

Score: 6815

A 60 years old billionaire came to the bar with his gorgeous 25 years old wife. Friend : How did you marry her?

Billionaire : I lied about my age.

Friend : You said 45?

Billionaire : No, I said 90.

Score: 6707

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.

Score: 6013

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

Score: 5284

A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt. The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”

Score: 3933

A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves" The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

Score: 3654

Two friends are having a chat in a bar. Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?

Kristen: sure.

Christen: Thank you.

Kris: Anytime.

Score: 3311

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

Score: 2913

An Irish guy walks out of a bar.... It could happen.

Score: 2901

A Jake Paul fan walked into a bar and got kicked out for being 10.

Score: 2708

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me! On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

Score: 2521

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” "Because…He’s my newt.

Score: 2442

Sorry sir, we don't serve time travelers here A time traveler walks into a bar

Score: 2352

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar... An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

Score: 2342

A racist, a womanizer, and a rapist walked into a bar... ...the bartender says "how may I help you, Mr. President?"

Score: 2324

Two fat ladies walk into a bar They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

Score: 2313

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.

Score: 2194

So a man walks into a bar... and never comes back for my entire childhood.

Where are you dad?

Score: 1037

A black man and an autistic man walk into a bar The autistic man orders a shot, but the black man gets it instead

Score: 860

C and a C++ walked into a bar... The C spilled his beer all over the C++'s shirt. Outraged, C++ shouted, "Good god, man! Have you no class?"

Score: 242

So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder... The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?"

"Africa!", says the parrot.

Score: 162

A vegan, a girl with a boyfriend and a student walk into a bar.. Who tells you first?

Score: 130

A couple of friends are drinking at a bar One friend spots a couple of old drunks at the end of the bar and says "that'll be us in ten years".

The other friend looks and says "That's a mirror dumbass".

Score: 130

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "We don't serve food here."

Score: 113

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. “That’s pretty neat!” The bartender says, “Where’d you get him?”

“Africa.” Says the parrot.

Score: 97

A crossfitter, an atheist, and a vegan walk into a bar I only know because they told everyone.

Score: 90

so I went to the bar last night and saw this fat girl dancing on a table... I said "Good legs." The girl giggled and said "You really think so?" I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 68

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New Bar Jokes

Why did the the ghost go into the bar? For the boos

Score: 8

Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the sides of their ships? So when they return from battle they can Scandinavian

Score: 10

Why did the Norwegian Navy put bar-codes on all their ships? So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

Score: 66

A black man walks in to a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says "thats a unique species where did you get it?" "I got it from Africa," said the parrot.

Score: 7

Why do astronauts get drunk when writing an email? Because they keep hitting the space bar.

Score: 9

In the 1990's, you could go into any store with just a dollar and get a soda, a bag of chips, and a candy bar. Now you can't. Why? Because there's cameras everywhere now

Score: 17

A Republican, Christian, Vegetarian and the Nicest man ever walks into a bar And only orders water because Mr. Rogers didn't drink

Score: 13

Water and heat walk into a bar... It was steamy..

Score: 10

An idiot, a misogynist and a rapist walks into a bar... ...the bartender says "what can I get you Mr. President?"

Score: 8

Two bacteria walk into a bar, then into the staff area. The barman says “get out!”

The bacteria say “don’t worry, we’re staph”

Score: 15

Thor and Loki enter a bar. Thor asks for two beers to start off and gets very drunk, but Loki only has water and soda the whole night. They get into a fight with each other. Even though Loki was sober, they both leave the bar hammered.

Score: 17

A buzzfeed writer and a terrorist walked into a bar What happened next will blow your mind!

Score: 8

Black hole goes into a bar and orders a drink. Barman: "Would you like something to eat with that Sir?"

Black hole: "No thank you, I'm a light eater."

Score: 19

Jussie Smollett walks into a bar fight... There was no fight

Score: 10

A man was having a heart attack at a bar When a patron yelled out, "Does anyone know CPR", the place went silent, then a drunk at the back yelled out "I do... I even know the whole alphabet". Everybody laughed. Well except for this one guy.

Score: 17

Guy in a bar called me a tool So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right

Score: 10

A nerd walked into bar He wasn't wearing his glasses

Score: 15

A termite walks into a bar and asked... Is the bar tender here?

Score: 7

A talking grasshopper walks into a bar Bartender: we have a drink named after you

Grasshopper: what? You have a drink named Gary?

Score: 8

Why does Norway's Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships? So when they come back to port they can... Scandinavian.

Score: 16

So a black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder the bartender says “Wow that’s cool! Where’d you get it” “Africa” says the parrot

Score: 30

A black guy and a white guy each drink 3 beers at a bar, who pays the bill? They each pay for their own because men aren’t complicated

Score: 54

A rapist, a bigot, and a pathological liar walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll you have, Mr. President?"

Score: 62

What’s a feminists favorite candy bar? Hershey

Score: 17

A woman walked into a bar and said to the barman, ‘I’d like a Double Entendre.’ So he gave her one.

Score: 13

Roy Moore walks into a bar and orders a 10 year old scotch, and water The bartender says "here's your scotch and water."
Roy Moore asks "where's my 10 year old?"

Score: 7

Thor and Pikachu walk into a bar and get in a fight with the bartender. They were both overcharged.

Score: 7

A woman sitting at a bar orders a double entendre... He gives it to her

Score: 9

The other day I walked into a bar and ordered a double entendre So the bartender gave it to me.

Score: 10

An Atheist, a Vegan and a Vaper walks into a bar... I only know because they told everyone within two minutes -_-

Score: 27

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.... The bartender looks in amazement and says, "how awesome! Where did you get that!?"
Suddenly the parrot looks up and says, "Oh him? Africa, there are millions of them there..."

Score: 12

An atheist walks into a bar that's full, and someone gets up and offers him a space. Why doesn't he take it? Because then he'd be a theist.

Score: 37

Two elderly men in a bar... ...one pipes up and asks his mate
"as we get older would you prefer Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"

Second man replies "Parkinsons, it will be bad enough spilling half my pint, never mind forgetting where I left it!"

Score: 8

What does a ISIS amusement park have as a safety mechanism? Allahu lap-bar.

Score: 18

a man and harambe walk in to a bar bartender: what will you fine gentleman have?

harambe: scotch

man: no, you'll have ice

bartender: just ice?

man: yes, justice for harambe

Score: 12

How is a bar similar to a woman? Liquor in the front and poker in the back.

Score: 7

Melania Trump walks into a bar... and orders and Angel shot with lime.

Score: 7

So a guy walks into a bar where Eminem is the bartender Guy: Two shots please

Eminem: You only get one shot

Score: 34

A liar, a cheat, and a bigot walked into a bar... "Let's make America great again!" he said.

Score: 27

A guy wearing a turban walks into a bar The bartender asks "Is this some sort of Sikh joke?"

Score: 8

A construction worker decided to go to a bar for a few drinks He got hammered.

Score: 8

After a night of drinking, John walks into a metal bar The music was great and he hooks up with a beautiful blonde.

He awakes at the hospital with a mild concussion.

Score: 21

So I ordered the 50 cent at the bar last night... The bartender gave me 9 shots and took all my money

Score: 56

A very tall and handsome man walks into a bar and suffers a mild concussion.

Score: 6

Scientists predict human-level artificial intelligence by 2030... ...maybe sooner if the bar keeps dropping.

Score: 27

20 blondes are standing outside a bar. On the other side of the street another blond is walking by; "Hey, come over here. You have to be 21 to enter"

Score: 8

A thousand millibar go into a bar... ...

Score: 6

One hundred bacteria walk into a bar... of soap and get eradicated. There is only one survivor.

Score: 9

So a guy came into a bar... No... wait, it was a horse.



So a guy came into a horse...

Score: 24

A woman site down next to a man in a bar and says, "You smell good, What do you have on?" The man says, "I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it."

Score: 13

A woman in this bar just told me she wants to have my babies.... Watch my beer while I go home and get them.

Score: 7

What's the difference between a lawyer and an Irishman? [OC] One has passed a BAR.

Score: 10

A girl walks into a bar and ask the bartender for a double entendre so he gives it to her.

Score: 20

There is a new drink at my bar. It's called a Sandy. It's basically a watered down Manhattan.

Score: 21

World's second shortest joke An Irishman walks past a bar...

Score: 14

An elf walks into a bar. (LOTR) The hobbit laughed and walked under it.

Score: 11

What's a Mexican's favorite candy bar? A payday

Score: 7

So a Nun, a Rabi, a Lion, a Zombie, a Leprechaun, a goldfish, a Space Alien, a pair of Siamese twins, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Score: 9

Why did a seal go to the bar? .... Because he didn't want to go clubbing.

Score: 22

A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on one shoulder ... The bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get that?" And the frog says, "Brooklyn, der's hundreds of um."

Score: 17

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