Bar Jokes

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Funniest Bar Jokes

Funny Bar Jokes
Score: 24914

Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar... I don’t remember the rest.

Score: 21665

A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says bartender.

Score: 16313

Two men are drinking in a bar They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

Score: 15099

[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

Score: 13232

An infinite number of people walk into a bar... The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...


The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

Score: 11990

Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...

Score: 11974

A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"

Score: 10850

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.” A tachyon walks into a bar.

Score: 10622

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.

Score: 9677

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight" The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

Score: 9598

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 7563

A blind man walks into a bar The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!" The blind man says "same"

Score: 6864

So Donald Trump walks into a bar... and lowers it

Score: 6815

A 60 years old billionaire came to the bar with his gorgeous 25 years old wife. Friend : How did you marry her?

Billionaire : I lied about my age.

Friend : You said 45?

Billionaire : No, I said 90.

Score: 6707

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.

Score: 6013

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

Score: 5284

A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt. The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”

Score: 3933

A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves" The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

Score: 3654

Two friends are having a chat in a bar. Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?

Kristen: sure.

Christen: Thank you.

Kris: Anytime.

Score: 3311

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

Score: 2913

An Irish guy walks out of a bar.... It could happen.

Score: 2901

A Jake Paul fan walked into a bar and got kicked out for being 10.

Score: 2708

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me! On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

Score: 2521

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” "Because…He’s my newt.

Score: 2442

Sorry sir, we don't serve time travelers here A time traveler walks into a bar

Score: 2352

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar... An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

Score: 2342

A racist, a womanizer, and a rapist walked into a bar... ...the bartender says "how may I help you, Mr. President?"

Score: 2324

Two fat ladies walk into a bar They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

Score: 2313

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.

Score: 2194

I lied about my age A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did she marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 45?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

Score: 2184

Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation.. Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with

Roman 2: mmm?

Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many

Score: 2171

An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Northern Irishman walk into a bar The Englishman wants to leave, so they all have to.

Score: 2011

I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey. I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".

"Is that your real name?", she asked.

I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

Score: 1848

An ego and a superego walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'll have to see some id"

Score: 1615

An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar I know because they told me.

Score: 1413

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."

The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

Score: 1343

A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar And that was just the first guy

Score: 1099

A person with an art degree walks into a bar. They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

Score: 1047

So a man walks into a bar... and never comes back for my entire childhood.

Where are you dad?

Score: 1037

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New Bar Jokes

A 60 year old Billionaire goes to the bar... ...with his gorgeous 25 year old wife!

The bartender asks him "how did she marry you?"

The billionaire replies " I lied about my age!"

Bartender: " You said 45?"

Billionaire: "No! I said 90!"

Score: 223

A vegan, feminist and a famous rapper walk in a bar I only knew because they told me 10 times.

Score: 245

I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn't good for dogs.

Score: 207

A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."

Score: 424

An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night. And brought it to a table of friends.

Score: 983

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we dont serve food here."

Score: 126

I was in a bar last night when a waitress screamed... "Does anyone know CPR?"
"I know all the letters of the alphabet" I shouted back.
Everyone laughed.........well except this one guy.

Score: 256

20 men walk into a bar Worst game of limbo I've ever seen.

Score: 281

A polar bear walks into a bar A polar bear walks into a bar. Bartender says "what can I get you?" Bear replies " I'd like a gin......... And tonic" Batender asks "Why the big pause?" The polar bear looks at his hands, turning them back and forth "I don't know, my dad had 'em too."

Score: 172

A couple of friends are drinking at a bar One friend spots a couple of old drunks at the end of the bar and says "that'll be us in ten years".

The other friend looks and says "That's a mirror dumbass".

Score: 130

What follows 16 Sodium atoms into a bar? Batman.

Score: 261

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer The bartender nods,
"and how about one for the road?"

Score: 235

This women walks into a bar and says, "Give me an entendre. Make it a double." So the bartender gives it to her

E: credit to /u/Narzgul85

Score: 202

Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfur, Sodium, and Phosphorus walk into a bar. The bartender says: "OH SNaP"

Score: 501

A roman soldier walks into a bar A roman soldier walks into a bar and asks for a *martinus*.

“You mean *martini*?”, asks the bartender.

The roman soldier answers “If I wanted two, I would have told you!”

Score: 212

A dog walks into a bar The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"

Score: 670

A libertarian walks into a bar. . . The barman serves him tainted alcohol because there are no regulations.

He dies.

Score: 702

Are Gorillas stupid? Of course, who else would complain about a 19$ drink but keep coming back to the same bar

Score: 172

How do you begin a politically incorrect joke? President Ben Franklin walks into a bar...

Score: 222

I'm going to open my own bar and call it "Chrome" It will keep your tab open until you have no memory

Score: 230

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. Bartender says, "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line"

Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

Score: 935

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve time travellers here." Two time travellers walk into a bar.

Score: 538

The director of EA walks into a bar *Download the punchline for only 4.99*

Score: 776

An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night and brought it to a table of friends.

Score: 642

A limbo champion walks into a bar He's disqualified.

Score: 582

A guy walks into a bar and orders fruit punch The bartender says, "Pal, If you want punch, you'll have to go stand in line."

The guys looks around, but there is no punch line.

Score: 218

I went to a bar last night and I saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said "Wow, great legs."

She giggled and said "Really?"

I said "Yea, most tables would've collapsed by now."

Score: 497

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Someone told her drinks were on the house.

Score: 127

So a man came into a bar... Wait no, it was a horse!

So a man came into a horse...

Score: 167

A Man walked into a bar with a gun The man - Which one of you F*cked my wife?!

Random guy in the bar - YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MANY BULLETS!

Score: 273

A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar.... Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Kid: No, minding his own business.

Score: 340

Music can really take you to another place Like this bar I'm in plays nickleback, so I'm leaving

Score: 114

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.” The bacteria say, “But we work here, we’re staph"

Score: 203

A limbo contestant walks into a bar He is immediately disqualified

Score: 358

Two guys were sitting in a bar, when one guy said to the other: Two guys were sitting in a bar, when one guy said to the other: "Don't you hate it when they repeat the title in the post?"

Edit: Wooow, first gold, and on my birthday too :D

Score: 249

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem... He says,"Give me 2 shots..."

The bartender cuts him off and says,"You only get 1 shot."

Score: 330

Two guys walk into a bar. Psyche! It's just another United Airlines joke.

Score: 154

So a mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here. You're always ruining jokes." The mushroom says "Come on. I'm a nice guy."

Score: 267

Trump walks into a bar and lowers it.

Score: 230

A guy meets his buddy at the bar. He says, "I don't want to brag, but when I walked in, those two girls by the door looked at me, then both said to each other, 'nine' ". His buddy said, "Really? When I walked in, they were speaking German!"

Score: 371

An Irish guy walks out of a bar... I mean, it could happen.

Score: 309

When I'm at a bar I always look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here’s a girl who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

Score: 613

The director of EA walks into a bar Download punchline for only $15 dollars!

Score: 346

f(x) walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't cater for functions

Score: 570

A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"

Score: 389

Why do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet? So they can Scandinavian.

Score: 387

A termite walked into a tavern, and asked" Is the bar tender here?"

Score: 727

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast"

Score: 145

A vegan, a girl with a boyfriend and a student walk into a bar.. Who tells you first?

Score: 130

A 14 year old Chinese boy walks into a bar He goes up to the the bar and signals the bartender
"I'll have a pint please"

The bartender looks him up and down and laughs
"You're way too young!"

"How you know my name!"

Score: 245

A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey."

The horse says, "Sure."

Score: 847

A black man and an autistic man walk into a bar The autistic man orders a shot, but the black man gets it instead

Score: 860

A husband and wife are sitting in a bar. They see a man downing beer across the room.

The wife says: "He proposed to me ten years ago, and I said no."

The husband responds: "And he's still celebrating!"

Score: 146

So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder... The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?"

"Africa!", says the parrot.

Score: 162

I walk into a bar... ... And the waitress runs up to me and says. Please tell me you know CPR. I said, "LADY! not only that I know the whole alphabet". The whole bar was laughing, all except one guy...

Score: 118

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot... The bartender says, "Wow! That is really cool! Where did you get it?"

"Africa", says the parrot.

Score: 262

a man comes into a bar... or was it a horse?

yeah i think it was a horse.

so a man comes into a horse....

Score: 269

A horse walks into a bar... The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family."

Score: 122

Three helium atoms walk into a bar HeHeHe

Score: 125

C and a C++ walked into a bar... The C spilled his beer all over the C++'s shirt. Outraged, C++ shouted, "Good god, man! Have you no class?"

Score: 242

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