RIP boiling water
You will be mist.
EDIT: AWESOME my gold cherry is gone!
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They never get to keep the house.
Edit: Thanks for all the awesome comments. I can't keep up!
With the Zika virus and how much hooking up happens in the Olympic Village.. The Special Olympics are gonna be awesome in 12 to 14 years.
fight club I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting
My neighbours listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.
Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: He-he, sure baby.
Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.
Fight Club was awesome! Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!
Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa
Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad
I hate being bipolar. It's awesome
I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME. I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.
Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression."
"Go on then" the second one says.
"OK, here we go..." the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!"
The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN"
"Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman...
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.
A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”
My dad bought himself a new hearing aid.
"It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."
"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"
I got a purebred Beagle puppy for my wife I thought it was an awesome trade.
Sometimes it's very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”
A black dude walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bar tender goes "Awesome, Where'd you get that?"
The parrot replies "Africa, there's thousands of them there."
"One man's trash is another man's treasure," is an awesome phrase But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.
My boss pulled up in an awesome car today and I complimented him on it. He said, "Well, if you set goals, you're determined, and you work really hard and put in the long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. . A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday...
My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry. We are maid for each other.
New machine at the gym
There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.
Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.
My buddy has big news...
He comes to me one day and says "Dude, you'll never believe it, I'm banging twins."
"That's awesome" I reply "but how can you tell them apart?"
"Easy" he says "Marys got long blonde hair and Steves got a moustache."
A son says to his father...
A son says to his father "Dad, I forget. Am I awesome or fantastic?"
The father replies "No son, you're autistic."
What's the difference between a blimp and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear, the other's an awesome year.
I have a kid in africa
which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.
Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.
(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”
For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife I thought that was an awesome trade
I got married to an antenna... The wedding was ok, but the reception was awesome!
I know this awesome guy who created a perfect joke everyone still laughs at after 34 years. Thanks for everything dad.
"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife.
"Sure", she responds
"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"
I hate being bi-polar It's really awesome
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....
The bartender looks in amazement and says, "how awesome! Where did you get that!?"
Suddenly the parrot looks up and says, "Oh him? Africa, there are millions of them there..."
I keep making awesome chemistry jokes to my class but I get no reaction...
Did you hear about that psychologist’s awesome speech last night? It was amazing! The crowd was really eating it up. Everyone was going absolutely sane.
Guy wins lottery, comes home
"Honey, I won the lottery, I'm a millionaire, come on, start packing!"
"That's awesome dear, where are we going?"
"What do you mean *we?*"
Why is becoming a male cheerleader so awesome? It's a great way to pick up chicks.
The people who are born in September are really awesome Their parents started their new year with a BANG!
Chinese politics must be awesome! I mean... Who wouldn't want an entire day dedicated to "erections"?
"My new band's name is 1023 MB"
"Awesome! When are you guys playing?"
"I don't know. We don't have a gig yet."
Ba Dum Tss...
Anyone heard about this awesome new restaurant called Karma? There's no menus, you get what you deserve
- My new hearing aids are so good, they've restored my hearing to its full potential
- That's awesome, how long have you had them?
- About 200$
You wanna hear an awesome dad joke? "An awesome dad joke"
All you hear are people being sad that they or their partners are turning into their parents but no one talks about being sad that you or your partner did not turn into their awesome parents.
What’s worse than a child with autism?
A parent who’d prefer a dead child over an autistic one.
I take the Christian approach to playing music at parties... I pretend I'm just sharing my awesome tunes when you and I both know I'm forcing my music on you because I don't like yours.
Having bipolar is awful It’s awesome
Two aerials got married. The wedding sucked but the reception was awesome!!
What does an Indish person say when he sees something awesome? Holy cow.
I figured out who the leak is in the White House
It's Trump himself.
Just tell him how great he is and ask for details of the awesome things he's done, he'll tell you every time.
My girlfriend asked me "How awesome is Ed Sheeran?" I said "He's OK - but I think he is better at milking cows."
I'm trying to work on my ego... But it's hard if you're so awesome.
The new Italian car tires are awesome!
Dago through rain!
Dago through snow!
Dago through ice!
But when dago flat,
Dago WOP WOP WOP WOP!
Nobody ever seems to take a moment to think about how awesome rocks are. They've been around for millions of years, and we use them so often in our everyday lives, but they never get appreciated. I guess we just take them for granite.
That awesome moment when you realise... ...in 2020 it will be 4/20 for a whole month.
My cooking is so awesome... ...even my smoke alarm cheers me on!
Kusner's favorite drink
Some guy told me this joke in a food store today (which was pretty awesome):
Q: What is Jared Kushner's favorite drink?
A: A White Russian
What do you call an awesome hat that watches people work? A supervisor.
This awesome new TV automatically set subtitles to Italian for my Italian girlfriend I guess the CIA picked up on her hand gestures.
My new bank is awesome. It's called condensation savings and loan.
They give credit where credit is dew.
My New Year's resolution is… 4k. This new TV is awesome!!
Dad how it feels to have a awesome son? Dad: Ask your grandma.
I saw a pirate walking down the street the other day
I said to him
"that's an awesome outfit, but where are your buccaneers?"
"They're under my buckin hat!"
What do you say when you wake up in the middle of the night and your TV is floating? "Man, wall mounts are awesome."
A mountain was next to another mountain..
An earthquake happens and one of the mountains say..
"It wasn't my fault!"
credit to my awesome science teacher