Awesome Jokes

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Funniest Awesome Jokes

Funny Awesome Jokes

RIP boiling water You will be mist.

EDIT: AWESOME my gold cherry is gone!

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

Edit: Thanks for all the awesome comments. I can't keep up!

With the Zika virus and how much hooking up happens in the Olympic Village.. The Special Olympics are gonna be awesome in 12 to 14 years.

fight club I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting

My neighbours listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.

Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa


Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad

I hate being bipolar. It's awesome

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman... Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

I got a purebred Beagle puppy for my wife I thought it was an awesome trade.

Sometimes it's very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

"One man's trash is another man's treasure," is an awesome phrase But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.

My boss pulled up in an awesome car today and I complimented him on it. He said, "Well, if you set goals, you're determined, and you work really hard and put in the long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. . A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday...

A son says to his father... A son says to his father "Dad, I forget. Am I awesome or fantastic?"

The father replies "No son, you're autistic."

I have a kid in africa which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.

Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.

(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife I thought that was an awesome trade

I know this awesome guy who created a perfect joke everyone still laughs at after 34 years. Thanks for everything dad.

What did the number 0 say to the number 8? Where did you get that awesome belt?

Kids today will never know how awesome Pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak. Really, most things escape baby goats.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye I broke up with her though, cos I'm pretty sure she was seeing someone on the side.

Credit to /u/MoreMajorSins for this awesome dad joke!

I got a new cell phone for my wife... Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!

Nine of ten doctors agree: Getting paid to endorse things is awesome

After a really awesome sexperience with my girlfriend, she turned to me. "Honey, I used to be a Christian."

I thought about this and said, "I'm not worried about it. I love you just the way you are."

"Good! I like being a Christine."

"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife. "Sure", she responds

"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"

I'm reading this awesome book series on invincible dogs! I can't put 'em down!

A joke for Europe A Greek, an Italian, and a Spaniard go into a bar and have an awesome time, ordering drinks till dawn. So who pays the tab?

A German.

differences.. Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday...”

I got a new deodorant today. The instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom".

Now I can hardly walk, but my farts smell AWESOME

Today I met a guy who's last name was Rapier. I thought it was an awesome name, until he told me people sometimes think it's pronounced "raper".

I guess his name is a double-edged sword.

I hate being bi-polar It's really awesome

My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener. Which upset me massively because I'm awesome whistler.

See the difference? Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

Why don’t you ever see a hippopotamus hiding in a tree? Because they are awesome at it.

I heard there was an awesome sale going on going on in this guy’s basement But when I got to his house, I couldn’t find the seller.

Oh man, I just got back from the most awesome campground orgy. It was in tents.

I keep making awesome chemistry jokes to my class but I get no reaction...

Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....

That his dad was outstanding

Did you hear about that psychologist’s awesome speech last night? It was amazing! The crowd was really eating it up. Everyone was going absolutely sane.

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I watched this awesome show called Origami Wrestling yesterday It was on paper-view

An awesome married couple I am friends with announced that they are going to have a baby Me: "Congratz!! I'm excited for you guys! You guys are going to kill it as parents!"

Anyone heard about this awesome new restaurant called Karma? There's no menus, you get what you deserve

My buddy, who's a blacksmith, won't stop talking about how awesome his new dog is. Apparently, as soon as he got him, he made a bolt for the door.

I Was Late... I was late to my first Fight Club last night so I missed all the intro rules, but Fight Club was awesome and I can't wait to tell everyone what a great time I had

Do you know about that fascist dictator who decided to hit the gym and got some awesome gains? Benito Muscle-ini

You wanna hear an awesome dad joke? "An awesome dad joke"

Nobody came to my party. Cool guy. Tells an awesome story about Polyphemus!

Son: "This rubber ball is awesome!" Dad: "Ya, if only I knew how awesome rubber was when I was younger, I wouldn't have to waste my money on these useless toys."

Son: "This rubber ball is awesome!" Dad: "If only I knew how awesome rubber was when I was younger, I wouldn't have to waste my money on these useless toys."

For Valentine's Day I was woken up with an awesome BJ! If only I could be posting this in any other forum.

Question to all men If you had to choose between a wonderful wife and really awesome car

What would you choose?


Options

a) Petrol Car

b) Diesel Car

Traffic signs I saw a sign that said "Slow men at work"

I thought how awesome it was that the "Slow children at play" will grow up and find work

All you hear are people being sad that they or their partners are turning into their parents but no one talks about being sad that you or your partner did not turn into their awesome parents.

My dog is an awesome fashion adviser. Every time I ask him what I look like in my clothes, he says “WOW!”

Kids today will never know how awesome pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak. Most things escape baby goats.

You can't spell awesome Without me.

What do you call a well planned Camping trip that will be awesome in the future? Po'tent'ial

Lie Down Comedian Two wives meet for coffee. Says one wife about her comedian husband: "He really sucks as a standup comedian but he's awesome as a lie down comedian" Asks the other wife: "What do you mean?" Says the first wife: "He's a real joke in bed."

Corny jokes are awesome They never fail to a-maize you

Did you hear about the woman who was robbed by an unemployed acupuncturist? She was stabbed more than 167 times, but she felt awesome the next day.

My friend showed me this awesome app where you can watch exotic creatures Apparently it is called Tik tok

What makes awesome good and awful bad? What makes awe**some** good and aw**ful** bad?

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Moderation

Went to my first Fight Club meeting last night... I showed up late though so I must the first couple of rules but it was awesome I love fight club can't wait for the next meeting.

I was late to my first Fight Club meeting so unfortunately I missed some of the rules It was really awesome and I can't wait to share my experience with everyone on Facebook.

I just watched an awesome documentary on cocaine. From now on, I'm watching all documentaries like this.

[NOC] Beethoven: Are you ready to hear this awesome piece I just made?? Beethoven: Are you ready to hear this awesome piece I just made??

Crowd: Yeaaaaah!

Beethoven: I can't hear youuu!

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A marsupial fixed me an aromatic beverage, by pouring hot water over cured leaves and it was absolutely delightful! I asked how it was possible to make something so awesome at this level and he responded... "It’s koala tea."

A great weekend Friday, the husband enthusiastically turns to his wife and proposes:

*Honey, do you want to have a wonderful and awesome weekend?*

She immediately answers:

*Of course my love!!!*

Great, see you next Monday, bye!

Elton John is awesome on the piano However, he sucks on the organ.

What song did Starlord recently add to his Awesome Mix? Another One Bites The Dust by Queen

Having a baby girl? You should name her Artica. It's awesome because all her nieces and nephews will have an Aunt Artica.

If King Awesome sat on a couch He'd be Sofa King Awesome.

What do you call the ghost of a really awesome hippy? Super-natural

I got banned from a super secret special awesome cooking society... Well, I guess that's the punishment for spilling the beans.

The people who are born in September are really awesome Their parents started their new year with a BANG!

A good date ends with dinner, An awesome date ends with breakfast!

Creating diamonds in a pressure cooker is awesome and it's really... ... pretty coal.

I met this awesome girl She is the only support in my life, I think I'm in love. I cantilever.

I take the Christian approach to playing music at parties... I pretend I'm just sharing my awesome tunes when you and I both know I'm forcing my music on you because I don't like yours.

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Long Awesome Jokes

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you
must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother
crying.

Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your
Father."!!!

Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"

father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.

Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."

A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?

Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?

Dad: I have no idea.

Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):

It's a tie, dad.

A mother baking in Somalia

One day a mother was baking bread in Somalia, when her son thought it would be awesome to play white. So he threw flour all over him and said "Mommy, look! I'm white".

His mother slapped him instantly and said "Go to your father and show him what you've done."
His father slapped him instantly and said "Go to your grandfather and show him what you've done."
His grandfather slapped him as well and said "Go to your grandmother and show her what you've done."
His grandmother also slapped him.

He then came back to his mother who asked "So, what have you learned today?" and the child responded "I've been white for five minutes and I already hate black people."

Edit: Added a missing word.

Son: “Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"

Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.”

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with four girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He isn't your father."

An engineer sees a fellow engineer on a new bike...

An engineer was walking along one day when another engineer friend of his rides up on a brand new bicycle.


"That is an awesome bike. Where did you get it?" He asks.


"Well," his friend replied "It was the strangest thing. I was sitting on a bench in the park, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, got off the bike and then took all of her clothes off right in front of me! Then she said 'Take what you want!'"


The first engineer replied "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you!"

A weak little man applied for a job as a lumberjack...

...but the foreman refused to take him because he was too small. "I may look puny," protested the man, "but I'm not. Just give me a chance to show you my strength."

The foreman consented and told the man to go chop down a giant redwood that stood nearby. Half an hour later, to the foreman's shock, the redwood was lying on the ground.

"Where'd you learn to cut down trees like that?" the foreman asked.

"The Sahara Forest," the man answered.

"You mean the Sahara Desert?" the foreman ventured.

"Sure," said that man, "if that's what they call it now."

edit: typos

Edit: Wow! Front page! You guys are awesome :)

Batman

Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression."

"Go on then" the second one says.

"OK, here we go..." the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!"

The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN"

"Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."

A happy family.

Son: Dad, I like this awesome girl and want to date her.

Dad: Who is she?

Son: Our next door neighbor's daughter, Sandra.

Dad: Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that son. I have to tell you something but promise me that you will not tell your mom. Sandra is actually your sister.


The boy is obviously bummed out. He finds another girl, but dad tells him that is his sister too. This happens a few more time and he gets frustrated. So he decides to tell his mom.


Son: Mom, I am so mad at dad. I fell in love with 4 girls but can't date any of them because dad is their father.

His mom hugs him affectionately and says,

Mom: Son, you can date anybody you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father.

Comment with a random object and I'll try to make a joke out of it!

On your mark, get set, go!

EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)

EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue commenting as long as this post remains visible! I'll get to them when I can c: this is fun!

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school.

Fred is all excited: “Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”

“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens the door.

Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”

The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”

Jimmy comes home looking very happy...

Jimmy comes home looking very happy and says to his father, "Daddy, I fell in love want to date this awesome girl."

His father replies, "That's great son. Who is she?"

"It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.", replies Jimmy.

The father then looks a bit sad and says, "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

Jimmy becomes shocked and looks very sad.

A few months go by and Jimmy comes home again looking very happy. He goes straight to his father and says, "Hey daddy! I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

"That's wonderful son! Who is she?"

"She is Jasmine, the other neighbours daughter."

"I'm sorry to tell you son, but she's also your sister".

This happens a few times and Jimmy is absolutely broken and mad. So then he goes straight to his Mother.

"Mom, I fell in love with 6 different girls and daddy keeps telling me that I cannot date them because they are my sisters!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "My love, You can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him because he isn't your father."

A kid asks his Granddad for relationship advice...

"Grandpa, Jenny broke up with me today. I feel so bad, I don't know what I'm gonna do"

"Listen kid, you're gonna be alright. You're young and got plenty of time. Let me tell you about what qualities to look for in a woman to have a lasting relationship:

1) Find a woman who makes you laugh

2) Find a woman who has a job and loves housework

3) Find a woman who is honest

4) Find a woman who will wait on you hand and foot

5) Find a woman who is awesome in the bedroom

6) Most of all, it is **Very Important** that these five women **Never** meet"

The grace of the hunt

Two brothers, who are hunters, get invited to a very famous Hunting club by their father. Once there, they mingle with the members and have an awesome time. Tons of drinking, lots of stories about big game hunting. As the night was nearing it's end, the young men's father asks them if they would be interested in speaking to the club's oldest member, and they, of course, jump at the opportunity. Their father points them to a very frail looking elderly man sitting in a recliner. The young men introduce them selves, tell the old man some of their stories, and all three of them clearly enjoy each other's company. Just as the young brother's were about to leave, the old man starts to tell them his greatest story.
" I was hunting alone in the African wilderness. I found myself with no food, water or shelter. As the day was coming to an end, i barely managed to gather enough wood for a fire. I start to doze off with my rifle in hand, when i hear a rustling sound behind me. I jump to my feet and, just as i turn around, a 600 pound, male lion jumps out at me and lets out a great big ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! And, i just crapped my pants"
The young hunters look at one another. Finally, one of them says " I mean, sir. Given the circumstances anyone would have done so".
"NO!" the old man replies, "Not then, just now when i said ROOOOOOAAARRRR!!!"

So God made Adam and Eve...

Upon their completion he spoke to them and said he had two special gifts available to them, one for each. Since Adam was made first, he allowed him to make the choice on which ability he would be granted. God said, "Adam, I can give you the ability to pee while standing upright, or.." "I'll take it!" Adam blurted out. "What an awesome ability!" Then God said, "Very well then, Eve, Adam has made his decision. You shall receive my other gift. I grant you the ability of multiple orgasms."

Batman Impression

Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression."

"Go on then" the second one says.

"OK, here we go..." the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!"

The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN"

"Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he collected ties with funny designs and wore them to work.

Some had cats or snakes or airplanes.

He had close to 100 by the time he died several years ago.

I remember as a kid how much I loved them, he had stories of what happened to him while he wore those ties.

He had an awesome memory and was good at telling stories.

When he passed, he left them to me.

I couldn't keep all 100 so I gave some to my cousins, but I decided to keep the ties that were his absolute favorites, his chicken pattern ties.

The day he wore his first chicken tie was when he met my grandmother.

From then, he collected more chicken ties to remind him of her.

I wear them every now and again, as well.

Thanks for reading this.

I like to talk about them, but all my friends act weird when I tell them about my granddad's hen tie collection.

A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a drink for him and the pig he's carrying under his arm. The bartender gets him these drinks and asks why the pig only has three legs. "Well", the man said. "This pig pulled me and my whole family out of the house when it was on fire. He saved our lives". The bartender says, "Wow, that is one awesome pig. But that still doesn't answer my question". "Well", the man says. "One time I was fishing with this pig, and my boat capsized. I don't know how to swim, but this pig pulled me back to shore and gave me CPR". "Wow", the bartender says. "That pig is a hero! But that still doesn't answer my question. Why does he only have three legs?" "Well", the man says. "If you had a pig this awesome, would you eat him all at once?"

Two blondes on the parking

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they are done they go out to their car, which happens to be an awesome leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stand there and think for a while.

Finally one gets am idea to try to open the car with a hanger. So the first blonde starts fiddling with the lock with the hanger. The other blonde looks up at the sky and suddenly becomes very worried.

"HURRY, HURRY," she urges. "IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!"

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