How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They never get to keep the house.
Edit: Thanks for all the awesome comments. I can't keep up!
With the Zika virus and how much hooking up happens in the Olympic Village.. The Special Olympics are gonna be awesome in 12 to 14 years.
fight club I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting
Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa
Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman...
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.
A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”
Sometimes it's very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”
"One man's trash is another man's treasure," is an awesome phrase But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.
My boss pulled up in an awesome car today and I complimented him on it. He said, "Well, if you set goals, you're determined, and you work really hard and put in the long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. . A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday...
A son says to his father...
A son says to his father "Dad, I forget. Am I awesome or fantastic?"
The father replies "No son, you're autistic."
I have a kid in africa
which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.
Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.
(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”
I know this awesome guy who created a perfect joke everyone still laughs at after 34 years. Thanks for everything dad.
Kids today will never know how awesome Pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak. Really, most things escape baby goats.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
I broke up with her though, cos I'm pretty sure she was seeing someone on the side.
Credit to /u/MoreMajorSins for this awesome dad joke!
After a really awesome sexperience with my girlfriend, she turned to me.
"Honey, I used to be a Christian."
I thought about this and said, "I'm not worried about it. I love you just the way you are."
"Good! I like being a Christine."
"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife.
"Sure", she responds
"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"
A joke for Europe
A Greek, an Italian, and a Spaniard go into a bar and have an awesome time, ordering drinks till dawn. So who pays the tab?
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.
A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday...”
I got a new deodorant today.
The instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom".
Now I can hardly walk, but my farts smell AWESOME
Today I met a guy who's last name was Rapier.
I thought it was an awesome name, until he told me people sometimes think it's pronounced "raper".
I guess his name is a double-edged sword.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener. Which upset me massively because I'm awesome whistler.
See the difference? Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”
I heard there was an awesome sale going on going on in this guy’s basement But when I got to his house, I couldn’t find the seller.
Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad
When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....
That his dad was outstanding
An awesome married couple I am friends with announced that they are going to have a baby Me: "Congratz!! I'm excited for you guys! You guys are going to kill it as parents!"
Anyone heard about this awesome new restaurant called Karma? There's no menus, you get what you deserve
My buddy, who's a blacksmith, won't stop talking about how awesome his new dog is. Apparently, as soon as he got him, he made a bolt for the door.
I Was Late... I was late to my first Fight Club last night so I missed all the intro rules, but Fight Club was awesome and I can't wait to tell everyone what a great time I had
Do you know about that fascist dictator who decided to hit the gym and got some awesome gains? Benito Muscle-ini
Son: "This rubber ball is awesome!" Dad: "Ya, if only I knew how awesome rubber was when I was younger, I wouldn't have to waste my money on these useless toys."
Son: "This rubber ball is awesome!" Dad: "If only I knew how awesome rubber was when I was younger, I wouldn't have to waste my money on these useless toys."
For Valentine's Day I was woken up with an awesome BJ! If only I could be posting this in any other forum.
Question to all men
If you had to choose between a wonderful wife and really awesome car
What would you choose?
a) Petrol Car
b) Diesel Car
I saw a sign that said "Slow men at work"
I thought how awesome it was that the "Slow children at play" will grow up and find work
All you hear are people being sad that they or their partners are turning into their parents but no one talks about being sad that you or your partner did not turn into their awesome parents.
My dog is an awesome fashion adviser. Every time I ask him what I look like in my clothes, he says “WOW!”
Kids today will never know how awesome pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak. Most things escape baby goats.
Lie Down Comedian Two wives meet for coffee. Says one wife about her comedian husband: "He really sucks as a standup comedian but he's awesome as a lie down comedian" Asks the other wife: "What do you mean?" Says the first wife: "He's a real joke in bed."
Did you hear about the woman who was robbed by an unemployed acupuncturist? She was stabbed more than 167 times, but she felt awesome the next day.
My friend showed me this awesome app where you can watch exotic creatures Apparently it is called Tik tok
What makes awesome good and awful bad?
What makes awe**some** good and aw**ful** bad?
Went to my first Fight Club meeting last night... I showed up late though so I must the first couple of rules but it was awesome I love fight club can't wait for the next meeting.
I was late to my first Fight Club meeting so unfortunately I missed some of the rules It was really awesome and I can't wait to share my experience with everyone on Facebook.
I just watched an awesome documentary on cocaine. From now on, I'm watching all documentaries like this.
[NOC] Beethoven: Are you ready to hear this awesome piece I just made??
Beethoven: Are you ready to hear this awesome piece I just made??
Beethoven: I can't hear youuu!
A marsupial fixed me an aromatic beverage, by pouring hot water over cured leaves and it was absolutely delightful! I asked how it was possible to make something so awesome at this level and he responded... "It’s koala tea."
A great weekend
Friday, the husband enthusiastically turns to his wife and proposes:
*Honey, do you want to have a wonderful and awesome weekend?*
She immediately answers:
*Of course my love!!!*
Great, see you next Monday, bye!
Having a baby girl? You should name her Artica. It's awesome because all her nieces and nephews will have an Aunt Artica.
I got banned from a super secret special awesome cooking society... Well, I guess that's the punishment for spilling the beans.
The people who are born in September are really awesome Their parents started their new year with a BANG!
I met this awesome girl She is the only support in my life, I think I'm in love. I cantilever.