Pilot Jokes

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Funniest Pilot Jokes

[first day as a pilot] me: *(looking down nervously)* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

Score: 2013

I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear." "The fear of flying?", I asked.

"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."

Score: 1932
Funny Pilot Jokes
Score: 602

People should really stop making jokes about major tragedies. My Dad died on 9/11... He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia...

Score: 497

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

Score: 481

Did you know that an airplane's propeller is only a big fan and is there to keep the pilot cool? Don't believe me?

Turn it off, and see how much the pilot sweats!

Score: 443

People always say the show Lost had such a great pilot Then why did the plane crash?

Score: 404

A propeller is actually just a big fan to keep the pilot cool... when it stops you can watch the pilot start sweating

Score: 397

What did the kamikaze pilot tell his students? Watch closely. I'm only gonna show this once

Score: 388

"What do you wish to do in the future?" asks the teacher. Pete: "I want to be a pilot"

Tommy: "I want to be a doctor"

Margaret: "I want to be a good mother"

Frank: "I want to help Margaret"

Score: 284

So I'm making a TV series about a plane hijacking.. We've just shot the pilot.

Score: 268

Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die! Passengers: *start freaking out*

Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when!

Passengers: *sigh with relief*

Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!

Score: 248

Today was my first day as a pilot I looked down nervously.

"What are all these buttons for?" I asked.

My co-pilot sighed.

"Those are to keep your shirt closed"

Score: 210

What did the Kamikaze pilot say to his students? Pay attention, I am only going to do this once.

Score: 177

Japan's worst kamikaze pilot He flew over 25 missions

Score: 157

The last thing you want on a flight is to be woken by a panicking stewardess. Particularly if, like me, you're the pilot.

Score: 120

"What do you dream of doing, kids?" Asked the teacher... Jimmy: "I want to be a pilot"

Amber: "I want to be a teacher"

Stacy: "I want to be a good mother"

James: "I want to help Stacy to be a mother"

Score: 119

A captain was flying over a mental hospital... ...when suddenly he started laughing vigorously.

"What's so funny?" Asked the co-pilot.

The captain answered: "I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"

Score: 95

Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off? Because the pilot was terrible.

Score: 89

If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine. But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane.

Score: 85

As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today... All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...

Score: 82

What's the difference between a Pakistani grade school and an Al-Qaeda training base? How am I supposed to know, I just pilot the drone

Score: 82

What do you call a pregnant flight attendant? Pilot Error.

Score: 71

What do you call a Muslim Flying an airplane A pilot

Score: 56

Nobody wants to die alone. That's why I'm training for my pilot's license.

Score: 55

NBC is contemplating a new TV series titled "Airline Tragedies." They are putting the pilot together right now.

Score: 49

I was woken on the plane by a panicky stewardess That’s how i lost my job as a pilot.

Score: 49

Why did the Asian pilot get arrested at the airport? TSA thought he said he was going to "pirate" the plane.

Score: 46

What's the difference between a terrorist and a five year old? I don't know, I just pilot the drone

Score: 46

A plane flies straight toward a mountain as pilot and co-pilot pull down on the control wheel with all their might The pilot yells "We'll never make it over that mountain" the co-pilot looks at him and says "Not with that altitude."

Score: 43

My uncle used to always say, "it's the journey not the destination that matters". Nice guy, horrible pilot.

Score: 38

What's the difference between a muslim wedding and a terrorist training camp? I don't know either, I'm just the drone pilot.

Score: 26

I felt like the plane was heading the wrong way... so I asked our pilot Yoda if we were going the right way to which he responded, "Off course we are!"

Score: 14

What's the difference between an ISIS compound full of terrorists and a grade school full of children? I don't know, I'm just the pilot

Score: 9

Why was 9/11 one of the worst episodes in American History? It was the pilot

Score: 7

Interviewer: So, why do you want to be a pilot Me: Because I have a fear that I will die alone

Score: 4

Why did the homeless airline pilot land in a furniture store? He wanted to crash on their couch.

Score: 3

People shouldn't joke about 9/11 it's a sensitive subject to people who lost their loved ones including me, i lost my uncle... He was the best pilot Saudi Arabia ever had.

Score: 3

Why was Peter Pan fired from his job as a pilot? He could neverland

Score: 2

What's the difference between a Syrian preschool and a weapons factory? I don't know, I just pilot the drone.

Score: 2

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New Pilot Jokes

The only qualification you need to be a hot air balloon pilot is to not be a coward

Score: 1

Why did the pilot get sick? Because he flu

Score: 0

Donald Trump, the Pope, the oldest man in the world and a 10 year old are all on a plane when it is about to crash. Donald Trump reaches for the boys backpack when the German Pilot regained control of the plane and says ‘no jokes’

Score: 0

What do you call a navy pilot? A flying seaman.

I'm so sorry, randon thought and nowhere else to put it.

Score: 0

Did you hear about the 747 pilot who lost internet mid-flight? He started experiencing jet lag.

Score: 0

What do you call a black person piloting an airplane? A pilot!

What, you thought I was gonna say something else? You dumb racist.

Score: 2

I hate when people creat humor from 9/11 My father died on that day. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

Score: 0

My grandfather was an airplane pilot I hope when I die I die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did and not screaming like his 420 passengers.

Score: 2

I use to work at a bakery as a pilot I would make the dough over here and pilot over there.

Score: 2

Why was a Turkish plane trying to bomb Greece? It was on otto pilot.

Score: 2

Why did the English major break up with the pilot? Because the pilot kept ending sentences with a preposition, over.

Score: 1

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