Pilot Jokes

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Funniest Pilot Jokes

[first day as a pilot] me: *(looking down nervously)* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

Score: 2013

I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear." "The fear of flying?", I asked.

"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."

Score: 1932
Funny Pilot Jokes
Score: 602

People should really stop making jokes about major tragedies. My Dad died on 9/11... He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia...

Score: 497

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

Score: 481

Did you know that an airplane's propeller is only a big fan and is there to keep the pilot cool? Don't believe me?

Turn it off, and see how much the pilot sweats!

Score: 443

People always say the show Lost had such a great pilot Then why did the plane crash?

Score: 404

A propeller is actually just a big fan to keep the pilot cool... when it stops you can watch the pilot start sweating

Score: 397

What did the kamikaze pilot tell his students? Watch closely. I'm only gonna show this once

Score: 388

"What do you wish to do in the future?" asks the teacher. Pete: "I want to be a pilot"

Tommy: "I want to be a doctor"

Margaret: "I want to be a good mother"

Frank: "I want to help Margaret"

Score: 284

So I'm making a TV series about a plane hijacking.. We've just shot the pilot.

Score: 268

Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die! Passengers: *start freaking out*

Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when!

Passengers: *sigh with relief*

Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!

Score: 248

Today was my first day as a pilot I looked down nervously.

"What are all these buttons for?" I asked.

My co-pilot sighed.

"Those are to keep your shirt closed"

Score: 210

What did the Kamikaze pilot say to his students? Pay attention, I am only going to do this once.

Score: 177

Japan's worst kamikaze pilot He flew over 25 missions

Score: 157

The last thing you want on a flight is to be woken by a panicking stewardess. Particularly if, like me, you're the pilot.

Score: 120

"What do you dream of doing, kids?" Asked the teacher... Jimmy: "I want to be a pilot"

Amber: "I want to be a teacher"

Stacy: "I want to be a good mother"

James: "I want to help Stacy to be a mother"

Score: 119

A captain was flying over a mental hospital... ...when suddenly he started laughing vigorously.

"What's so funny?" Asked the co-pilot.

The captain answered: "I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"

Score: 95

Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off? Because the pilot was terrible.

Score: 89

If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine. But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane.

Score: 85

As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today... All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...

Score: 82

What's the difference between a Pakistani grade school and an Al-Qaeda training base? How am I supposed to know, I just pilot the drone

Score: 82

What do you call a pregnant flight attendant? Pilot Error.

Score: 71

What do you call a Muslim Flying an airplane A pilot

Score: 56

Nobody wants to die alone. That's why I'm training for my pilot's license.

Score: 55

NBC is contemplating a new TV series titled "Airline Tragedies." They are putting the pilot together right now.

Score: 49

I was woken on the plane by a panicky stewardess That’s how i lost my job as a pilot.

Score: 49

Why did the Asian pilot get arrested at the airport? TSA thought he said he was going to "pirate" the plane.

Score: 46

What's the difference between a terrorist and a five year old? I don't know, I just pilot the drone

Score: 46

A plane flies straight toward a mountain as pilot and co-pilot pull down on the control wheel with all their might The pilot yells "We'll never make it over that mountain" the co-pilot looks at him and says "Not with that altitude."

Score: 43

A pilot is making an announcement to his passengers "We got some good news, and some bad news. The good news is you guys will be on TV tonight!"

Score: 38

My uncle used to always say, "it's the journey not the destination that matters". Nice guy, horrible pilot.

Score: 38

What's the difference between a muslim wedding and a terrorist training camp? I don't know either, I'm just the drone pilot.

Score: 26

Was The Little Mermaid directed by a pilot? Because it's mostly Ariel footage.

Score: 18

How can you tell if there is a pilot in the room? He will tell you.

Score: 18

I felt like the plane was heading the wrong way... so I asked our pilot Yoda if we were going the right way to which he responded, "Off course we are!"

Score: 14

Just found out the Turkish President is getting into acting He shot a pilot a few month back

Score: 14

That Military Documentary series on Japan in WW2 was really good... ...Unfortunately it never survived past the Pilot episode.

Score: 10

What's the difference between an ISIS compound full of terrorists and a grade school full of children? I don't know, I'm just the pilot

Score: 9

What do you call a Mexican fighter pilot? Air Force Juan.

Score: 8

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New Pilot Jokes

I’ve been thinking about a career as a airline pilot I’ve been told it can be quite grounding.

Score: 0

Don’t make fun of 9/11. My uncle died in 9/11 He was a great pilot

Score: 0

Why did the pilot get sick? Because he flu

Score: 0

Donald Trump, the Pope, the oldest man in the world and a 10 year old are all on a plane when it is about to crash. Donald Trump reaches for the boys backpack when the German Pilot regained control of the plane and says ‘no jokes’

Score: 0

What do you call a navy pilot? A flying seaman.

I'm so sorry, randon thought and nowhere else to put it.

Score: 0

Co-Pilot: Captain, don't slow down more than 10 m/s or else we'll crash! Captain: Ah, well I would *love* to just slow down by 11 m/s^2.

Score: 0

Did you hear about the 747 pilot who lost internet mid-flight? He started experiencing jet lag.

Score: 0

Being drunk on a plane is never a good idea Especially if you’re the pilot

Score: 0

What do you call a black person piloting an airplane? A pilot!

What, you thought I was gonna say something else? You dumb racist.

Score: 2

People shouldn't joke about 9/11 it's a sensitive subject to people who lost their loved ones including me, i lost my uncle... He was the best pilot Saudi Arabia ever had.

Score: 3

Interviewer: So, why do you want to be a pilot Me: Because I have a fear that I will die alone

Score: 4

I hate when people creat humor from 9/11 My father died on that day. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

Score: 0

Lame joke: What is a pilot’s favorite type of bagel? Plain

Score: 4

I use to work at a bakery as a pilot I would make the dough over here and pilot over there.

Score: 2

Why was 9/11 one of the worst episodes in American History? It was the pilot

Score: 7

Why did the homeless airline pilot land in a furniture store? He wanted to crash on their couch.

Score: 3

Why was a Turkish plane trying to bomb Greece? It was on otto pilot.

Score: 2

What's the difference between a Syrian preschool and a weapons factory? I don't know, I just pilot the drone.

Score: 2

A sitcom about a 9/11 hijacker was in the works for Comedy Central But it never made it past the pilot episode

Score: 7

The ace fighter pilot Robin olds and super man got into an arm restling competition. The loser had to wear underwear on the outside for the rest of their life.

Score: 0

After the helicopter crash, the blond pilot was asked what happened. She replied, "It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off."

Score: 7

Why was Peter Pan fired from his job as a pilot? He could neverland

Score: 2

What did the clingy drone pilot say to the Pakistani women? Sorry for blowing your phone up.

Score: 3

What do you call a middle eastern man flying a plane? The Pilot, you racist.

Score: 5

Why did the English major break up with the pilot? Because the pilot kept ending sentences with a preposition, over.

Score: 1

What do you call it when a flight attendant gets pregnant? Pilot error.

Score: 6

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