Bat Jokes

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Funniest Bat Jokes

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

So Tim Tebow just hit a home run in his first professional at bat But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.

TIL that at age 13 Jewish girls have a Bat Mitzvah and at age 15 Latina girls have a... Baby shower.

Funny Bat Jokes

Please pray for my wife.... A spider bit her on the forehead and she is now in the E.R. They said she almost died.
Lucky for her, I was near and hit the spider as hard as I could with a bat right when it bit her.

When do the coronavirus symptoms start to kick in? Right off the bat

What do you call a green bat that walks across a yellow bridge? I don’t know, but at least it isn’t a repost

Joke from my 3 year old daughter I was putting my daughter to bed tonight and she told me she had a joke for me.

What kind of bat knows the A, B, Cs?




The alphaBAT

What did the boy bat send to the girl bat? sapnu puas

Two bats were hanging upside down in a cave The first bat asks the second, “Do you remember the worst day of your life?”

​

“I sure do," said the second bat. "It was the day I had diarrhea.”

Why are batman and black man different? Bat man can go a whole night without robin

What did one orphan say to another? "Robin, get to the bat mobile."

Batman: I must save this city Alfred: Well you’re a billionaire so maybe you can redistribu...

Batman: This bat suit is the only way

Some kid was being annoying so I hit him on the face with a baseball bat. He started crying and I didn't even bat an eye.

Anyone who thinks one person can't change the world Has never eaten an undercooked bat

Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by Baby rat turns to his mom and says:

-Look ma, an angel.

I had to tell my neighbour this morning i hit her cat She asked " is it bad"

I said "well, it broke my cricket bat in half"

What do you sing at a twins bat mitzvah? Happy birthday two Jews

All countries got Covid-19 But China got it right off the bat

The worst thing about the pandemic... ...is that I can’t find an unbiased review of bat soup.

China should be a baseball team They can take out the world with one bat

Robert Pattinson is playing the next batman. I guess he's a vampire bat now.

I saw a rat , so i found a bat and started hitting. My son was crying , I'm banned from chucky cheese's.

Terrorists have an Off-Switch. It’s in the back of their heads. Use a baseball bat to activate.

China would have an amazing baseball team. They took out half the world with just one bat

I sleep all day and up all night Guess I have bat habits : /

Why did bat fly about the car's exhaust It was an autoexec.bat

What did one orphan say to the other? "Robin, get the bat mobile."

A mouse entered my house He ate everything, even drank some redbull and now I have a bat problem

What the difference between gotham and the world in gotham the bat never killed anyone

Why can't dyslexic people use the internet in China? Because they get a virus when they open a bat

Put a spoon under your pillow, cancel school for a day. Put a bat in your soup, cancel school for a year!

2 men exploring find a bat in a cave... Decide to go back and play baseball

Why should china have a baseball team? They could take the whole world out with a single bat

How does a Bat Girl become a Bat Woman? She has a Bat Mitzvah

A guy ate a bat And now I'm unemployed.

Which orphan is best at baseball? Bat man

Corona Virus has spread to species of birds It now infects bat man and robin

I just bought this hair product that uses bat guano. It's supposed to get rid of dandruff, but it didn't work!

Turns out it's just sham poo.

What did the bat say to the other bat when he almost flew into a tree? Whoa did you hear that?

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New Bat Jokes

Batman is the Covid Vigilante Given:
a) He covers his entire body except his mouth and nostrils
b) He’s a bat

Therefore:
He may be a superspreader.

chinese new years 2009. Ox
2010. Tiger.
2011. Rabbit.
2012. Dragon.
2013. Snake.
2014. Horse.
2015. Goat.
2016. Monkey.
2017. Rooster.
2018. Dog.
2019. Pig.
2020. Rat.

All served with rice or chips, bat and pangolin scale sauce £1.00 extra.

Why did Batman cross the road? Find out next week. Same Bat time. Same Bat channel.

I've played Plague Inc. We should've shut down right off the bat

Human: Kills Bat Bat: I'm gonna do what I call a pro gamer move

The 1960s started with beetle mania The 2020s have started with bat fever... Well I’m hoping Covid-19 is just a one-hit wonder, you know, like “Come on Eileen” or John Lennon’s first wife

In Wuhan, a bat signal isn’t a request for a superhero to respond, it simply means dinner is ready.

What was once the butterfly effect Is now the bat effect

I heard the bat wings in Wuhan.... Are to die for!!

Why did Wonder Woman get the Coronavirus? Cause she ate some bat meat.

China has finally released a safety warning about bats... Make sure you cook your bat to a minimum of 165°.

In the current climate you can walk in any shop that's still open with a mask on maybe even a bank and nobody will even bat an eyelid Until they see the gun anyway

Why dont Chinese play Baseball? Because they will eat the bat

Who knew that all it took was one bat from China... ... to completely eradicate the USA's school shooting problem!

Just to think the Corona Virus started from one bat in China... Talk about the Batterfly Effect

Kindergarten books in future: Day 1
Lecture 1
Chapter 1: A saga of eating the bat and facing the crap
Line 1: Dont eat bat, dont eat bat

What is the most expensive soup? Bat soup. Price: $10 trillion

What self help book should be banned in China? Bat Soup for the Soul

What's worse than having pineapple on a pizza Bat in a soup.

Every time a tick falls into bat soup A Corona gets it's Lyme

Let me tell you something right off the bat Coronavirus

What happens when you eat a bat and get bit by a tick at the same time? That’s when the corona gets its lyme.

It was supposed to be year of rat. But it became the year of bat instead.

What do a baseball bat and a box of chocolates have in common? They can both kill a dog.

How does batman deliver villains to the gotham police? right off the bat

Why did the bat cross the road? Because a rock singer bit the chicken's head off.

Why doesn't Bane play baseball anymore? Because the last time he tried, he broke the Bat

The sleeping bats There are five bats sleeping like all bats do, upside down.
While they're all sleeping, suddenly one bat turns upright really fast.
So one of the other bats pokes his friend and says:

"Hey wake up! I think Jack fainted"

Why couldn't Robin call Batman? Because he had bat signal.

I could be Bat Man but I could also not be Bat Man However, you haven’t seen Bat Man and I in the same place

I sleep sll day and up all night Guess I have bat habits :/

What did one bat say to the other that one night? Hey want to hang out tonight?

Which animal is the saddest amongst them all ... It is a sleepy bat with severe diarrhea!

Next time you feel like sh*t, Imagine a bat with diarrhoea...

How to kill worm in your stomach Eat apples for 6 straight days and on the 7th day eat an orange instead , then the worm will come out of your stomach and ask " dude where's my apple???" then you take a baseball bat and beat him to death.

What’s the difference between Bat man and Black man? Bat man can go into a store without Robin

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the bat mobile? Get in the bat mobile Robin.

In his later years Bruce Wayne retired and became a famous poet Apparently, he went from bat to verse.

What happens when you turn flying mammals into hotdogs? Things go from bat to wurst

I just went through airport security and at the Rapiscan I was told to “widen my stance and pull up my pants” I guess the TSA is afraid of bat wings and sagging

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Long Bat Jokes

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to Kevin's car and cut up its leather seats.

When he turned around, Kevin had a slight grin on his face, so the driver said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"

He gets a bat out of his truck and breaks every window in Kevin's car. When he turns and looks at Kevin, he has a smile on his face.

Driver is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all its tires.

Now Kevin is laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on Kevin's car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and Kevin is laughing so hard he is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked.

Kevin replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!!"

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, can you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even more blood on his face

"Dad, can you see that horse?", he asks

"Yes, I can, son"

"So, I sucked its blood"

Finally, the third one returns, with even more blood on his face, and says

"Dad, can you see that wall?"

"Yes, I can, son", replies the father

"I couldn't"

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village. 2 minutes later, he returns with his face covered in blood.

"What happened?!" the other two Vampires ask.

"You know that village by the woods?" the youngest Vampire explained. "I flew down there, killed and drank the blood of an entire family, and flew back here before they even knew what hit them."

"Very impressive!" shouted the second vampire. "But you're 1000 years too young to be faster than I!" and he burst threw the same window as the first, headed to the village. 1 minute later, the second vampire returned to the room through the window, his face a mask of blood.

"What happened?" exclaimed the other two vampires.

"That same village you went too? Many villagers gathered around the house you attacked to see what had happened. I managed to kill and drink the blood of five whole families and get back here before they even knew what hit them."

"Very impressive...." said the eldest vampire quietly. "But you are also 1000 years too young to be faster than I. I AM THE STRONGEST and FASTEST vampire alive!" and in a flash, the eldest vampire was through the window. 15 seconds later, the eldest returned to the room, his face drenched in blood.

"What happened?!" exclaimed the other two vampires.

"Did you see that tree the villagers planted years ago at the front of their village?"

"Of course." said the other two vampires.

"Well, I did not."

Misunderstanding Between Husband And Wife ...

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

Gorilla Removal

" A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot that dog!"

A trucker and a blonde.

A trucker is driving down a busy highway when he is abruptly cut off by a blonde woman in her car. Tired and grumpy from driving all day, he quickly pulls along side of the woman's car and forces her to stop on the shoulder of the highway. The trucker and the woman get out of their vehicles. The trucker takes a rock and draws a circle around the blonde.

"Don't you dare set foot outside this circle," the trucker orders.

He walks over to the blondes car and keys the side of it. When he returns, the woman is standing in her circle giggling. This angers the trucker even more. He proceeds to grab a bat out of his semi and smash the mirrors off the woman's car. When the trucker returns to the woman, she is still standing in her circle laughing. Enraged, the trucker takes a gas tank out of his semi, douses the woman's car in gas, and sets it on fire. The woman bursts into hysteria.

"I just totaled your car!! What is so funny?!" The trucker shouts.

The blonde replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat

So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, until they get to a field with a single tree in the middle of it. All the bats are impatient, saying 'Harry is the blood here? Where is it, man? Harry replied 'You see that tree there? I didn't.'

A Wife Comes Home Late

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

A man died and...

A man died and went up to the Pearly Gates to stand before Saint Peter. Peter told him, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us *any*thing you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Well, yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a man who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got my baseball bat out from behind my seat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, When did this happen?” asked Peter.

“About three minutes ago.”

(Apologies if this is a re-post.)

Three bats are hanging out in their cave

A large one, a medium one and a small one.
"I'm feeling hungry." Says the big one and flies out of the cave. He returns with a bloody face and asks "Do you guys remember the town by the hill?"
"We remember."
"Well forget about it. No one survived."
Few minutes later the medium bat says "I'm feeling hungry" and flies out of the cave. Comes back a few hours later covered in blood and asks the other bats "Do you guys remember that village by the forest?"
"We remember."
"Well forget about it. There were no survivors"
Finally the little bat says "I'm feeling hungry" and flies out of the cave. He comes back minutes later, his face covered in blood and asks the other bats "Do you guys remember that tree in front of our cave?"
"We remember."
"Well I forgot about it."

Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.

The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.

"See that little kid over there? That's where."

The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with even more blood than the first one. They ask him where he got it from.

"See that man over there? That's the guy I got it from."

The third one also transforms himself into a bat. It doesn't take him too long to come back. His entire body is covered in blood. The other two are amazed and ask him where he got it from.

"See that wall over there?"

They nod.

"Well, I didn't."

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.

The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"

So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.

"See that big rock there?" He asks.

The other bat nods.

"I didn't."

A wife comes home late one night...

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From the covers on the bed, she spots the outline of four legs instead of her husband's two. She reaches into their closet for a baseball bat and starts hitting the two under the covers as hard as she can.

Once she's done,she heads down to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters the kitchen, she sees her husband there at the counter reading a magazine. He says to her, *"Hi honey, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"*

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."

A wife has a crappy day and decides to come home early from work

When she arrives home, she heads upstairs and finds 2 pairs of legs in her bed under the covers. Already in a bad mood, she grabs a baseball bat and has a few swings at her cheating husband and his mistress. Once she's done, she walks to her balcony and finds her husband. He lovingly greets her with "Hi honey, your parents dropped in for a visit, they were feeling a little tired so I let them sleep in our bed".

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

A Scotsman...

newly immigrated to the U.S. wants to immerse himself in American life, so he goes to a baseball game. He has no clue how it's played, but every time the batter takes off for first base all the people around him yell, "Run! Run!" So he stands up and yells, "Rrrrun, laddie! Rrrrun!"

In the fourth inning a batter gets walked. When the umpire calls ball four he tosses the bat aside and starts ambling toward first at a leisurely pace. The Scotsman jumps up and yells, "Rrrrun, laddie! Rrrrun!" but the guy sitting next to him nudges him and says, "No, no, he's got four balls, he gets to walk." The Scotsman says, "Four balls?" He looks back out at the player, raises his fist and intones, "Walk prrrroud, laddie! Walk PRRROUD!"

Angry truck driver demands a blond to pull over...

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this."

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she is giggling and has a smile on her face. He is getting really pissed.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

Finest Bat

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.

Dracula says, "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family."

"Very good" said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, "How did you do that?"

The bat replies, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."

"Impressive" said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.

"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.

And the bat replies, "Do you see this tower?"

Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, "Well, I didn't."

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