Motorcycle Jokes

Contents

Funniest Motorcycle Jokes

Funny Motorcycle Jokes

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car. ‘What’s up?’ says the driver.

‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman.

‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

Friends are like motorcycles... 'Cause I wish I had a motorcycle

I got a new motorcycle for my wife It was a great trade

Why was the motorcycle going so slow? Because it was two tired!

What kind of motorcycle has the best sense of humor? Yamahahaha

Warnings about motorcycles Every time people find out I drive a motorcycle they always freak out and tell me about sometime someone they know got in an accident.

I don't get it.

I don't go around telling pregnant women that my dad left

A pickpocket is a victim of a motorcycle hit-and-run. A police officer comes to his aid.

"Do you remember his license plate?" he asks.

"No" says the pickpocket weakly, "but here's his wallet."

Police: Sir, you are under arrest for trying to carry 6 people on a single motorcycle Me: What do you mean 6 people?

Police: Yes, 6 people. Now please get off your vehicle.

Me: OH MY GOD!

Police: Sir?

Me: Jack fell off!

Why can't the motorcycle get up on its own? It's two tired.

Why couldn't the motorcycle make it home? Because it was two tired.

Why did the motorcycle stay at home? It was two-tired

what's the difference between your first motorcycle and you first girlfriend? Nothing, it doesn't matter what either of them look like, you're just happy to have something to ride.

Stormtrooper helmets I would wear a stormtrooper helmet everytime I went for a ride on a motorcycle to avoid HITTING anything.

In the motorcycle safety course they tell you that target fixation is bad, where your eyes are looking is where you usually end up. Must be why I keep running over female joggers.

Did you hear about the mute motorcycle gang? They don't answer to nobody.

Why did the motorcycle suddenly stop running? Because it was two tired.

My wife asked for something hot and trembling between her legs You can imagine her surprise when she saw the motorcycle I had gotten her

My dad just lost his leg in a motorcycle accident Now his feet only smell half as bad.

My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself. I'm lack-toes intolerant.

Why didn't the motorcycle want to go for a ride? It was two tired...

My buddy was in a bad motorcycle accident, and while he was hospitalized, he had to have one of his feet amputated... Once his girlfriend found out about the surgery, she immediately left him. Turns out she was Lack Toes intolerant.

My girlfriend is like a motorcycle I dont have a motorcycle

I wanted to buy a motorcycle But I'm too tired to do it.

I was hit by a moose driving my motorcycle yesterday. How he managed to drive it is a mystery to me.

Motorcycle will last you a lifetime if you ride it fast enough.

A friend tried to get me to wear jeans, a white t shirt, and a motorcycle jacket - but I said no. It sounded like a Fonzie scheme.

I lost both arms to a motorcycle accident. I think there’s something wrong with my legs too but I just can’t put my finger on it.

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18, and I could just have his motorcycle.

It is now legal to park bovines with foot coverings in motorcycle parking spaces. They're officially labeled as Cowasockies.

I get complaints that my dog is chasing people on bike I didnt take this as a problem until i realized he has been using my motorcycle

I used to be a motorcycle courier... Man those things are heavy..

A man made a motorcycle out of wood. Wood interior and exterior, but did he ride it? No it wooden start

What's the Difference between a Harley Davidson Motorcycle and a Hoover vacuum? The Hoover vacuum only carries one dirt bag.

What's a medical doctor called, who is also part of a motorcycle club? Health Angel

Did you hear about the robot that looks eerily like Evil Knievel? He's doing a motorcycle jump over the uncanny valley.

Motorcycle helmets are weird.. I still haven't figured out where the helmet goes on the bike....ehh, guess I'm not the brightest anymore after the multiple head injuries.

Why does the Undertaker ride his motorcycle slowly? Because he's an Undertaker not an Overtaker!

What does a motorcycle and the government have it common? Once you have more power, you can't go back.

When it comes to motorcycle jokes.. I triumph every time.

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New Motorcycle Jokes

What’s the difference between people who refuse to wear a mask during the pandemic and motorcycle riders who won’t wear a helmet? At least the motorcycle riders can donate their organs...

Why cant the motorcycle stand up by itself? Because it's two tired

What type of motorcycle does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson

I was asked to explain the plot of Tron. I don’t remember it super well, so I just said the main character is trapped in a computer playing a motorcycle game on a grid. Well, something along those lines.

How can you tell when someone is a vegan or a motorcycle rider? They’ll tell you within the first 5 minutes of talking to them.

Im saving up for my own motorcycle Was on the fence but then my neighbour yelled at me to get down so I need something else to do in my free time

What do a motorcycle and me have in common? Well, I’m too tired.

When I finished high school... I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said “no”.

You see, my mom had a brother who died in a motorcycle crash when he was 18 so she said I could just have his motorcycle.

"I hate being half motorcycle half bicycle" He moped

Whats the difference between a motorcycle and a vacuum cleaner? Where you put the dirt bag.

Which vehicle is the oldest among all? Motorcycle - because it is two-tyred.

After his motorcycle accident where he lost his left leg and half his right foot, Dylan sulked slowly around school in all black outfits. We call him the three-toed Goth.

If brains were gasoline... ...you wouldn't have enough to ride a motorcycle half way around a cheerio.

What does a non-moving cat and a motorcycle traveling at 80mph have in common? They make the same sound.

What does a motorcycle and Eddie Hermida have in common? They both killed suicide silence.

What is a Jewish guys favorite motorcycle brand? Yamaka

What's the difference between Mafia 3 and a motorcycle? A Motorcycle can go above 30

My dad died at 40. We should've seen it coming when he bought a motorcycle at 20. They don't call it a mid life crisis for nothing.

Biker mimes If a group of mimes forms a motorcycle gang....

Do they have to drive electric bikes?

Did you hear Fetty Wap got in a motorcycle accident? He didn't have both eyes on the road.

My girlfriend and my motorcycle have something in common. The faster I accelerate the ride, the more likely I am to break my crotch.

Why did the motorcycle fall asleep? It was two-tired.

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Long Motorcycle Jokes

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

Dear Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe.

For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, London, and Rome.

After seeing all Europe had to offer, he moved on to explore the rest of the world.
Over the next few months, he rode through the African savannas, the deserts of Egypt, and even made it to the top of Mount Everest.

He was having the time of his life until he reached a small town in China.
Unexpectedly, and out of nowhere, a beautiful Chinese maiden crossed his path, causing him to fly off and crash his motorcycle.
Apologizing, the maiden offered Rick to pay for the repairs and a place to stay while they fixed his bike.
"My name is Yu! It's an honor to meet you!" the beautiful maiden introduced herself to Rick.

It turned out she was the daughter of a rich magistrate, so he spent the night in a small palace in the center of town.
However, due to the scarcity of motorcycle parts, Rick had to spend several days in the palace, in the presence of Yu.
Over the next few days, she took a liking to him and his strange American ways. As expected, Rick took a liking to her, too.

The two quickly became inseparable, but Yu's father did not approve, for Rick was an outsider.
By the time the motorcycle was finally up and running, Rick had fallen madly in love with Yu and refused to leave.
Yu begged her father to let him stay, but instead, the Magistrate had Rick banished from the town. He warned him if he ever came back, he would have him beheaded.

Rick was devastated, he had no motivation to continue on the rest of his journey. It seemed as though there was nothing left for him in the world, if he didn't have his beloved Chinese maiden.


So he did the only thing any other sane guy would do....

*Rick rolled* back into town screaming,

*"I'm never gonna give Yu up!"*

Son leaves a note

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

A father passing by his sons bedroom...

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos,
tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood
for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the
other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure
for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that
you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things
in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"

A father is passing by his son’s bedroom

and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home

HARLEY DAVIDSON MEETS GOD

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.


Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.


I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.


But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.


Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.


In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!


Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.


Love, your son, Joshua.


P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

A farmhand hits a pig with his truck

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off.

About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the wiggling pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

Locked My Keys In The Car

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no phone. And not one car had passed along this quiet highway during the 15 minutes that she had pulled over.

Eventually, once she had calmed down, she prayed to the Lord for help. And five minutes later, she heard a loud vehicle, and looked up to see a motorcycle approach, so she waved for help.

The motorcycle rider was an untidy bearded man in shades and bandana, wearing a disreputable studded jacket, filthy jeans and heavy black boots. The rider toed down his side-stand, swung his leg off the saddle, and stood up, reaching for a cigarette. He looked at her and growled: “So what’s your story?”


The lady replied “Oh Thank the Lord that you have come! I’ve locked my keys into my car and all I can do is pray.”


The biker walked up to the car and looked through the window, and sure enough, the keys were hanging in the ignition. He looked around for something to open the door, and spotted a nearby barb wire fence. With some twisting and bending, he managed to break off a piece of wire, and with the help of a flattened beer can, he inserted the wire next to the window, looped it into the door catch, and opened the lock.


The lady was delighted. She said “Oh thank you my Lord for sending me an angel. You are a wonderful man! Thank you so much!”


The biker replied: “Don’t say stuff like that, lady. I’m not a good man. I’ve been a burglar and car thief for most of my life, and only last week got out of jail.”


The lady exclaimed “Oh praise God for sending a professional!”

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

A police officer pulled over a roughneck (an oilfield worker) over for speeding. Here's what happened...

**Officer:** May I see your driver's license?


**Roughneck:** I don't have one - I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.


**Officer:** May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?


**Roughneck:** It's not my bike. I stole it.


**Officer:** The motorcycle is stolen?


**Roughneck:** That's right. But come to think of it, I believe I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.


**Officer:** There's a gun in the tool bag??


**Roughneck:** Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike. I also stuffed his dope in the saddle bag.


**Officer:** *There's drugs in the saddle bag too?!?!*


**Roughneck:** Yes sir.


**[Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The roughneck was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the roughneck to handle the tense situation]**


**Captain:** Sir, can I see your license?


**Roughneck:** Sure! Here it is.


**Captain:** Who's motorcycle is this?


**Roughneck:** It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.


**Captain:** Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?


**Roughneck:** Sure sir. But there's no gun in it.


**[The captain searched his tool bag and, sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag]**


**Captain:** Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.


**Roughneck:** No problem sir.


**[The captain searched the saddle bags - *no drugs*]**


**Captain:** I don't understand it! The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags!


**Roughneck:** Yeah! I'll bet he told you I was speeding too.

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication,

got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if she needed some help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure."

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man."

The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

If a kids room is clean, be skeptical

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was working on his motorcycle in the garage, just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the workbench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling your motorcycle along with your gun collection and that stupid fishing gear."

Tom got a quizzical look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, “For a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied: "I wasn't."

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

I think my wife is cheating on me

I've never talked about this before, but I really need the boards advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike , that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Good Doctor

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor
of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in
his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come
and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage..

"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic
was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out,
repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works
just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the
really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the
same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to
the mechanic...........


"Try doing it with the engine running..........

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