Jewish Jokes


Funniest Jewish Jokes

Funny Jewish Jokes
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Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls? They love anything that's 15% off

Just a joke lol

Score: 16449

Why do Jews get Circumcised? Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

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Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

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A teacher asks the class, “What are some examples of flammable objects?” and the Jewish student raises his hand. The teacher replies, “Very good! Any other examples?”

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I met a Jewish girl today and she asked for my number I told her we use names here

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A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

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Why do Jews get circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

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What do Jewish pedophiles say? “Hey kid, want to buy some candy?”

Score: 1948

A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl She asked me for my number.

I told her that we usually use names.

Score: 1672

Why do Jewish men get circumcised as youth. Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

Score: 1002

A Jewish girl asked for my number ​

I told her we use names now.

Score: 758

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic. We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

Score: 747

I had a date with a jewish girl. After date she asked me for a number.

I told her we don't have numbers, we have names.

Score: 614

Why are Jewish men circumsised? Because Jewish women only touch things 20% off.

Score: 526

I came up with this joke during lunch break: What do you call a jewish obstacle course? Shlalom

Score: 468

Why do Jewish men get circumcised? because Jewish women won't accept anything unless it has at least 20% off.

Score: 412

A Jewish woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts: "Is there a doctor here?" A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"

She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

Score: 406

A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner. Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"

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Why do jews get their penises circumcised? Because Jewish girls won't touch anything that's not 10% off

Score: 379

Why are all Jewish men circumsized? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off

Score: 359

I met a Jewish girl today. She asked for my number. I told her we use names here.

Score: 335

A Jewish Black kid walks up to his dad and asks if he is more Black than Jewish. "Why son?" The dad asks.
"Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and I was wondering if I should talk him down to $30 or just steal it."

Score: 330

Why don't Jewish girls study on their period? Concentration Cramps

Score: 313

What is the objective of jewish football? To get the quarter back.

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How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb? "No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."

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Do you know why Jewish men are circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's ten percent off.

Score: 272

What's the point of Jewish football? To get the quarter back.

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Why do jewish men get circumcised? Because a jewish woman wouldn't touch anything unless it's 20% off.

Score: 238

I farted in front of my Jewish friend... He glared at me.

I said, "What? A little gas never killed anyone !"

Score: 226

This might be offensive, but what do you call a jewish pokémon trainer? Ash.

Score: 181

How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house? There's a parking meter on the roof.

Score: 167

What do Jewish pedophiles say to kids? Hey, wanna buy some candy?

Score: 87

Have you heard about the jewish comedian? They say he Israeli funny.

Score: 57

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions? An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

Score: 45

What did the boy scout do that the jewish boy couldn't Come home from camp

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Why do Jewish women never make coffee? Because Hebrew

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Where do Jewish kids with ADHD go for summer? Concentration camp.

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Today I saw the most beautiful Jewish girl in my life She Israeli preety.

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Do you guys have idea how hard it is to make a good Jewish joke? Actually, Israeli easy.

Score: 21

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New Jewish Jokes

What do Jewish people wear in the pool? Synagoggles.

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What currency do Jewish ogres use? Shrekels.

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What did the amish dude say to his jewish friend after not seeing him in a long time? Amishjew bro

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I’m Jewish, German, and Russian So you have a few options of why to immediately dislike me.

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What’s a Jewish comedian’s favorite type of seafood? Fish schticks

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Did you see the new Jewish movie? I heard Israeli good.

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The 3 shortest books ever written are: Polish Wisdom

Jewish Business Ethics

Black Guys I Met While Yachting

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What do you call the last answer on your Rabbi's trivia night? The Final Solution to the Jewish Question

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How did the Jewish boy do on his English test? Hebrew it.

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What's a Jewish kid's favorite game to play in the attic? The silent game

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Where do Jewish parents send their ADHD kids during the summer? Concentration camps.

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No need to insult the Jewish Hitler already roasted them

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Jewish jokes are unfunny Anne frankly they are kind of offensive

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What’s a jewish guys favorite fairy tale? Rumpleforeskin.

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All my Jewish friends must have really liked their summer camps ...because they haven’t come back

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A black Jewish guy asks his dad If he is more Jewish or black. His dad asks why. His son says there is a guy selling a tv down the street and he wanted to know if he should steal it or get it for half price.

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Three Jewish women having lunch in a restaurant... Waiter approaches and asks, "Is anything OK here?"

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How did the Jewish brewery owner make his drinks? Hebrew it

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Some people complain about not being able to afford food... That’s what us Jewish just like to call an extended holiday

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A Jewish Nursing Students Final Exam A nursing student, by the name of Esther is at her final nursing exam.

The examiner asks Esther, "How would you bathe the genitals?"

She replies, "The same way I would bathe the jews."

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What did the Jewish Bostonian woman declare to her Sunday bridge group about her recent knitting project? "I'm so AUtistic!"

EDIT: Ahtistic.

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What do you call your transgender Jewish uncle? Aunt Frank

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What do Orthodox Jewish kids dress up as on Halloween? One eyed ghosts.

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How did the jewish boy cure his ADD? He was sent to a concentration camp

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What do you call a retreat for Jewish kids with ADHD? Concentration Camp

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What do you call a family of jewish people who grow apples Apple Jews

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What was the Jewish Detective called? Shylock Holmes

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Didn't know so many Hispanic guys were Jewish But I keep hearing them say Yahweh

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Who is the best Jewish rapper of all time? Dr Dreidel.

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You hear about the Jewish Mother Doll? You pull the string and it rolls it eyes and says, "AGAIN with the string?"

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My dad's Christian and my mom's jewish and they LOVE recycling... But it's a little awkward for both me and my grandad on ash wednesday. Sadly he didn't survive the holocaust.

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Whats the difference between a Muslim hippie and a Jewish hippie? One's stoned and one's baked.

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What does Jewish Superman say when he takes off ? Up Up and Oy Vey !

(For some reason this is just fun to say out loud)

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Why do Jewish people become rich? They don't Passover good business opportunities.

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My Asian friend got his Jewish wife pregnant. I guess "Cha Ching" wasn't an appropriate name suggestion

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What is a Jewish guys favorite motorcycle brand? Yamaka

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What do you call a Jewish organization based in Vancouver? Yiddish Columbia

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What makes the Jewish Monopoly game so much harder than the original? Because the banker starts with all the money and never gives it away.

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Where do Jewish kids with ADHD go for help? To a concentration camp.

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What did the jewish man say to the doctor after having his son circumsised? Keep the tip.

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Stalin bragged that his death camps were better than Hitler's. Hitler responded, "Jewish."

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What did the Jewish arsonist order from the bar? a mazel tov cocktail

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What's Jewish and runs? The Diarrhea of Anne Frank

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What do you call a nice Jewish Lyft driver? an Uber Mensch.

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The Most Messed Up Joke Ever It's 1945 and two Jewish kids are sitting on a roof near a chimney. A man walks by and asks "What are you guys doing up there?". The two kids say "Waiting for our parents."

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People always complain that Jewish people have all the money. Well if 6 million of your people died, you'd expect at least some inheritance

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This election season has taught me a lot about what it must feel like to be a reasonable, level-headed Christian . . . You really really like this one Jewish socialist guy, but you have a really hard time tolerating most of his other fans.

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Why aren't Jewish people into rap? They can't drop dimes

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Why can't you insult Jewish people? Because they've already been roasted.

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Seven Jewish mothers are sitting in a restaurant... and a waiter comes and asks: ''I'm sorry ladies, is *anything* all right?''

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A Black Jewish Boy Runs Home To His Dad... He asks his father, "Dad am I more Jewish or more black?"
"Why do you care?" responds the father.
"Because there is a kid selling a bike for $50 and I am considering whether to bargain for $40 or just steal it!"

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Where do Jewish kids with ADHD go for the summer? Concentration camp

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My Jewish wife was mad at me for making lame puns, so she punished me by lacing my chocolate coins with LSD. It was a real gelt trip.

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Why do all Jewish guys have purple penises? Because they're all tight-fisted wankers!

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I don't like Jewish jokes. Anne Frankly I won't stand them.

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Did you know that jewish people have a higher risk of getting a cavity? There saliva can be very Hassidic.

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When is a Jewish fetus considered a human being? When it graduates from medical school

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Where did the Jewish boy go to get rid of his ADHD problem? Concentration Camp.

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How did the Jewish terrorist die? Hebrew up.

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Why is a Jewish canoe the best kind you can get? Because it'll never tip

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