Hilarious Jewish Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Jewish Jokes

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Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls? They love anything that's 15% off

Just a joke lol

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Why do Jews get Circumcised? Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

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Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

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A teacher asks the class, “What are some examples of flammable objects?” and the Jewish student raises his hand. The teacher replies, “Very good! Any other examples?”

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I met a Jewish girl today and she asked for my number I told her we use names here

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A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

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Why do Jews get circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

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What do Jewish pedophiles say? “Hey kid, want to buy some candy?”

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A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl She asked me for my number.

I told her that we usually use names.

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Why do Jewish men get circumcised as youth. Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

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A Jewish girl asked for my number 

I told her we use names now.

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No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic. We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

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I had a date with a jewish girl. After date she asked me for a number.

I told her we don't have numbers, we have names.

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Why are Jewish men circumsised? Because Jewish women only touch things 20% off.

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I came up with this joke during lunch break: What do you call a jewish obstacle course? Shlalom

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Why do Jewish men get circumcised? because Jewish women won't accept anything unless it has at least 20% off.

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A Jewish woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts: "Is there a doctor here?" A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"

She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

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A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner. Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"

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Why do jews get their penises circumcised? Because Jewish girls won't touch anything that's not 10% off

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Why are all Jewish men circumsized? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off

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I met a Jewish girl today. She asked for my number. I told her we use names here.

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A Jewish Black kid walks up to his dad and asks if he is more Black than Jewish. "Why son?" The dad asks.
"Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and I was wondering if I should talk him down to $30 or just steal it."

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Why don't Jewish girls study on their period? Concentration Cramps

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What is the objective of jewish football? To get the quarter back.

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How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb? "No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."

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Do you know why Jewish men are circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's ten percent off.

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What's the point of Jewish football? To get the quarter back.

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Why do jewish men get circumcised? Because a jewish woman wouldn't touch anything unless it's 20% off.

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I farted in front of my Jewish friend... He glared at me.

I said, "What? A little gas never killed anyone !"

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1948; "Did you hear,the Jewish people finally got their own country? Is this real?" "Yes,it is real!" My best original joke, taa daaa. !!!

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This might be offensive, but what do you call a jewish pokémon trainer? Ash.

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A Little Black Jewish Boy says to his father, "daddy, am I more black or more Jewish?" Why do you ask? Says the dad.
The boy says, "well a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I should haggle him down to $75 or just steal it"

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I, too, have a Jewish friend, and he told me this one... What's the difference between a Jewish woman and a Latina?

A Latina has fake jewelry and real orgasms.

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Why can't Jewish girls be basic? They're too Hasidic

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A Black/Jewish boy asks his dad whether he's more Black or more Jewish. When his dad asks why, the boy answers "there's a bike for sale for $100 and I can't decide whether to haggle down to $75 or just steal it."

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What do Jewish pedophiles say to kids? Hey, wanna buy some candy?

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What's the aim of a Jewish football match? Getting the quarterback.

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How do you spot a Jewish paedophile in Thailand? He brings his own kids.

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What's the point of Jewish football? Getting the quarter back.

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New Jewish Jokes

What’s a Jewish comedian’s favorite type of seafood? Fish schticks

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Why do jewish people love breaking their fast with sweet potatoes? So that they can properly celebrate Yam kippur.

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No need to insult the Jewish Hitler already roasted them

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Three Jewish women having lunch in a restaurant... Waiter approaches and asks, "Is anything OK here?"

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Today I saw the most beautiful Jewish girl in my life She Israeli preety.

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How did the jewish boy cure his ADD? He was sent to a concentration camp

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Do you guys have idea how hard it is to make a good Jewish joke? Actually, Israeli easy.

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Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Jewish women won’t touch anything that’s not 10% off

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Why are Jewish males circumcised? Because they know Jewish females can’t resist anything that’s 10% off

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I went on a very unpleasant date with a Jewish grammarist the other day Now I think I'm anti-semantic.

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What is a Jewish, a Black and a Russian man waiting outside a brothel for? The Black man is waiting for the light to turn green, the Jew is waiting for the prices to drop and the Russian is waiting for his wife.

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There was this really hot guy on the beach when I was in Mexico, so I brought him some Jewish bread. He gave me a weird look, subsequently turned me down...and I don't understand *why.*

*I just wanted to challah at a Playa.*

^I'm ^sorry

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What did the Jewish boy say to the other Jewish boy? Hebrew

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Hello, I'd like to introduce you to my friend. He's a Jewish Barista. Hebrew.

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What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions? An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

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What do you call an 85 year old Jewish man that murdered his wife? Ruthless

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Two Jewish kids are fighting, one throws ash on the other. The other says:"Don't get your parents involved"

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A Jewish kid asks his dad for $50 His dad narrows his eyes and says "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"

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So this Jewish kid goes to his dad for $20 And he says "hey dad I need a 20 to go the store."
His dad says "15 dollars?! What do you need 10 dollars for? I got a five so here's 2.50"

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What life advice did the Jewish cannibal give to his friend? Keep your friends close, but your enemies kosher

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What do you call a cool jewish guy? Iceberg

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Did you know Abraham Lincoln was jewish? He was shot in the temple

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What do you call a mean Jewish engineer? A Rude Goldberg

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Jewish Rabbis don't get paid for circumsion... They just get tips

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Whats the difference between a Muslim hippie and a Jewish hippie? One's stoned and one's baked.

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I've never met a full-blown Jew They're always just Jewish

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I could never date a jewish woman Because i believe the jews have suffered enough

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What do you call a Jewish fish? Isra-eel.

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Why do Jewish people have big noses? Air is free.

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Why do Jewish guys get circumcised? Because they know Jewish girls can't resist something that's 30% off

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A jewish son asks his father for money. The son goes up to his father and asks, "Dad, can I borrow twenty dollars?"

His fathers responds, "Fifteen dollars?! What are you gunna do with ten dollars?!"

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What do you call a jewish Pokemon? A Circumscyther.

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I got beaten up by a Jewish guy at a Formula one circuit today I only said that I was a part of the Mazda race

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Why do Jewish men have to be circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 20% off.

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Why do Jewish men get circumcisions? Because Jewish women won't touch anything under 15% off.

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Joke for LoL, Dota2, and smite players. Why are Jewish junglers the worst? They always die at the first camp.

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Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller. "Two men are madly in love with me!" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?"
The swami answers...."Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one."

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What does Jewish Superman say when he takes off ? Up Up and Oy Vey !

(For some reason this is just fun to say out loud)

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Two Jewish duck hunters make a kill on the same waterfowl But who takes the bill?

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Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Their women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off!

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Why are Jewish men usually circumcised? Because Jewish women won't take anything that's less than 10% off

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Son asks for money A young jewish son asks his dad for $5 dollars.

The dad responds shocked, "$4 dollars? What do you need $3 dollars for?"

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How do you get a jewish girls number? You roll up her sleeve.

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My Asian friend got his Jewish wife pregnant. I guess "Cha Ching" wasn't an appropriate name suggestion

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How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Lift up her sleeve.

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I just found out JFK was jewish. He was shot in the temple.

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Did you hear about the new Jewish car? It stops on a dime and then picks it up.

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What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jewish person? The Boy Scout comes home from camp.
^First ^time ^posting ^on ^this ^sub ^don't ^know ^what's ^too ^offensive ^and ^what's ^not ^sorry.

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What do you call an non alkaline Jewish family. Hasidic

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What do you call a Jewish person who is suicidal? A Yamikaze.

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What do you call male and female Jewish baristas? Hebrews and Shebrews.

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Why can't you insult Jewish people? Because they've already been roasted.

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What's your number? A jewish girl and a man walks into a bar. They hit it off and the man asks for the girls number. She lifts her sleeve.

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What do you call a Jewish rock band? I want my nickelback

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A boy asks his Jewish father for 50 dollars... The father looked at his son and asked, "40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?"

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A jewish girl asks her dad for 40 dollars her dad looks at her and says"30 DOLLARS??!!?!, what do you need 20 dollars for? here's a ten, go split it with your brother"

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Have you heard about the jewish comedian? They say he Israeli funny.

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What do you call a Jewish catch 22? Free ham

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How did the Jewish terrorist die? Hebrew up.

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So a Jewish boy walks up to his father... a Jewish boy walks up to his father and asks him for $5.

His father responds: "$4? What do you need $3 for? Here's $2, split it with your brother."

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