Deaf Jokes

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Funniest Deaf Jokes

Funny Deaf Jokes

A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he’s going deaf “What are the symptoms?” The doctor asks

“They’re that yellow family that live in Springfield”

My deaf sister asked me if I wanted to hear a joke I said: Sure.

She said: Me too!

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

What did the deaf person think when he won the auction? I’ve won, but at what cost?

What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian? One talks with their hands and makes goofy noises at random volumes, and the other can't hear.

Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf I haven’t heard from him since.

If a deaf person goes to court Is it still a hearing?

(6-year old brother gave me this one) Why do farts smell? So that deaf people can enjoy them too!

There was a fight between a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man I just have to ask, how long until we end this senseless violence?

Two years ago my doctor told me I'm going deaf I haven't heard back from him since

This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it. I wish I could have read the signs.

How do you stop an argument between 2 deaf people? Turn off the lights.

A group of deaf people get together to protest The group begins chanting

“What do we want?”

“Hearing aids!”

When do we want them?”

“Hearing aids!

When a deaf girl jacks you off It's technically oral

Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf ... but he didn't listen.

I had a deaf girlfriend once, she left me for a guy who was also deaf. I should have seen the signs.

How do you end two deaf persons' arguing? Switch off the light.

My best friend got cheated on by his deaf girlfriend... His girlfriend cheated on him with a deaf guy... To be fair, he should've seen the signs.

They told Beethoven he couldn’t make music because he was deaf but he didn’t listen

Did you hear about the deaf gynecologist? He had to read lips.

Deaf people probably get very excited when going on Omegle for the first time "ASL?"

"OMG How did you know?!"

What do you call a deaf gynaecologist? A lip reader

What do you call a deaf dog? Doesn’t matter, he ain’t coming.

If a deaf kid swears in sign language, does his mom wash his hands with soap?

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night... She nearly poked my eye out!

Did you hear about the deaf gynecologist? Don't worry, he can read lips.

A deaf guy walks into a bar... A deaf guy walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

Deaf guy says, "I'll have a beer."

When my girlfriend complains about how bad her day was I like to hold her hands Because shes deaf

Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.

Never let anyone put you down. Take my mate Jim for example. He was told just because he's deaf he can't play in an orchestra... But did he listen...

Many people told Beethoven he would never be a musician just because he was deaf But did he listen?

Why do deaf people make the best gynecologists? Because they’re good at reading lips.

How do deaf people meet online? Simple, they just ask "ASL?"

I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!"
but it didnt fly.
Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings

What did the deaf nymphomaniac say? come again?

How do deaf mathematicians communicate? Through sine language.

How to win an argument with a deaf girl? Turn off the lights.

Deaf people seem tough to me Because they always let their fists do the talking

I gave a deaf blind child my seat in the taxi After he ran over several people I began to contemplate my decision, I told him to stop but he just wouldn't listen

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New Deaf Jokes

When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic. Maybe they just want each other to shut up.

My deaf sibling asked if i wanted to hear a joke I replied “sure”

They said “me too”

I just got reminded of my ex-wife who is deaf, she left me for another deaf person. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

How do you stop two deaf people from arguing? Turn off the lights.


Sorry if this is a repost, btw. I haven’t seen it anywhere.

Did any of you hear about that deaf guy who saved a family from a burning building? Yeah neither did he.

Heard this joke somewhere: Q: What does a deaf gynecologist do?








A: They read lips

What do you call the deaf woman that your wife invited for a three sum? A signing bonus

A couple visit a psychiatrist The husband says " when ever I try to talk to her she just holds up gang signs "

The wife replies ( in sign language )


" I'm deaf "

What did a drunk guy say to a deaf guy who accidentally hit him with his elbow? "Hey, watch your language!"

Did you hear about the deaf debtor? She had too many bills in arrears.

What does a deaf Gynaecologist do? Lip reading

What does a deaf gynecologist do? Read lips.

An old joke The dumb man tells the deaf man that the blind man saw the lame man running after the bald man to pull his hair

A deaf man wins an auction "I've won......but at what cost?"

Say what you want about deaf people... They wont hear you anyways.

What does a deaf gynecologist do? He reads lips.

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.” That is not a good sign.

I don’t often tell dad jokes. He’s pretty deaf and I have to repeat them a lot. It’s really frustrating to repeat jokes and it just never is funny the second let alone third time I tell it. I think he has dementia too.

How does the deaf gynecologist check up on his patients? He reads lips

A blind man, a deaf man and a mute were murdered. Police said these were senseless killings.

How do you stop deaf people from arguing? Turn off the lights

Did you hear about the deaf man who ran for president? Neither has he.

This may be hard for you to hear... ...but you're going deaf in both ears.

I told my deaf girlfriend that we should see other people. She said that was hard to hear.

Many people told Beethoven that he'd never be a musician because was deaf But did he listen?

i hate deaf people. they never listen to what i have to say.

What would have been Beethoven's record label? Deaf Jam.

Ahhhh Helen keller died when she fell down a well. They say she screamed until her fingers bled, but to deaf ears.

I told my therapist that I was scared of loosing my hearing.... ...but it fell on deaf fears.

Did you hear about the deaf lady that got corona virus? Neither did she.

Dad: Hey son, have you heard that joke with the deaf guy and a dumbass? Son: No, what is it?

Dad: I'm sorry, what?

Son: What's the joke?

Dad: I can't hear you.

Son: I hate you.

I don't see how deaf people dont join gangs. They'd be good at the gang signs

How do you sell a deaf person a frog? DO YOU WANT TO BUY A FROG?!?!?!

I can't hear all those coronavirus jokes anymore. And I'm not alone. The deaf rate is rising.

How does a deaf couple end an argument? When one turns out the lights.

It would be so easy to rob a deaf person. Just break all of their fingers and they can’t tell anyone

How do you stop an argument between deaf people? Turn the light off.

What did the dumb, deaf and blind orphan get for Christmas? Cancer
:(

Did you hear the one about the deaf guy who got hit by a train? Neither did he

Why didn’t the deaf man go to court? Because it was a hearing

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Long Deaf Jokes

A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. "Ask him where the money is," the mobster says.

The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, "What are you talking about?"

The interpreter tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The mobster puts a pistol to the accountant's head. "Ask him again!"

The interpreter signs, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

"Okay, okay!" the accountant signs back. "The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard!"

"What'd he say?" asks the don.

"He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

The deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.

The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,

he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

The deaf wife problem.

Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

A gain he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response..

So he walks right up behind her. 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?'



'Damn it, Fred, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).

Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.

GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.

A Mafia leader gets cheated out of $10 million by his bookeeper, Paul.

Paul had been deaf all of his life, so it was assumed he would be perfect for the job. A deaf guy couldn't hear anything that he would have to testify in court, after all.

When the leader found out, he went to confront Paul with an interpreter, one who knows ASL. "Ask him where the $10 million he stole from me is," he demanded.

The interpreter signs this to Paul, to which he signs back "I don't know what you're talking about." The godfather pulls out a gun and puts it to Paul's head and tells the interpreter, "Ask him again!"

The interpret asks again, signing "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" Paul signs back, "Alright, alright! The money is in a brown suitcase behind the shed of my estate in Queens!"

The interpreter says nothing. After a few seconds, the godfather asks, "Well, what'd he say?" The interpreter smiles and says " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

The Deaf Mafia Bookkeeper

A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million.

His bookkeeper is deaf and mute. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

EDIT: ADDED MUTE.

A Mafia Godfather...

... finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,
he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Laughing at the law

A mafia boss had a deaf book keeper, hired because he would never overhear anything. One day the boss discovered that his trusty book keeper had been stealing from him for the better part of 30 years, totaling upwards of $18 million. He went to confront the book keeper about his missing money, taking along his personal lawyer, who happened to be fluent in in American Sign Language.

The mob boss barked at his lawyer, "Ask him where my money is!"

"Where's the money?" the lawyer signed.

The book keeper signed back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"He says he doesn't know what your talking about," said the lawyer.

At that the mafioso took out a pistol. "Tell him I'll kill him if he doesn't come clean quick," he said.

The lawyer signed to the book keeper, "He says he'll kill you if you don't tell him right now."

Trembling, the book keeper signed back, "Okay! The money is in a black suitcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Gino's house."

"What did he say?" the mob boss asked the lawyer.

"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

The Deaf Wife

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.” Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

A Mafia Don hires a deaf accountant.

He was pleased with himself for coming up with the idea; if the man could not hear, he would not be able to testify against the Don about what was said amongst him and his capos.

One day, after several months of working near this man, he notices the accountant acting nervous and fidgety. Suddenly wary, the Don decides to take a look at his books to see if any funny business is afoot. After poring over the material, he realizes that there is about 10 million dollars in cash that is unaccounted for!

The Don calls in the accountant immediately, along with his attorney, who happened to be fluent in sign language. He demands from the man, "I know you stole my money, and now you're going to tell me where it is."

Reading the Don's lips, panic and fear come over the accountant as he frantically signs back, "I have no idea what you're talking about!"

The Don looks at his consigliere and is told, "The man says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Don shoots up from his chair, gun in hand, and levels the barrel right between the man's eyes. "You WILL tell me where the money is, or I'll blow your brains all over this room!!"

Terrified, the accountant signs "Okay! Okay! It's buried in the garden behind my mother's house, under the kitchen window."

The Don asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say??"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

A mafia don finds out that a deaf guy who works for him has embezzled 10 million dollars from him

The don decides to whack the embezzler, but first he needs his money back. So he grabs the guy and locks him in a room for questioning.

The don brings a lawyer with him that knows sign language, and tells the lawyer "Let this guy know that *I* know he stole from me and I want it back!"

The lawyer signs this, and when the prisoner frantically responds the lawyer tells the don "He says he doesn't know what you're talkin' about boss."

The don pulls out a gun and presses it against the prisoner's head and tells the lawyer "Yeah? Well, now tell him what's gonna happen if he doesn't figure out what I'm talkin' about!"

The lawyer translates this and the embezzler signs "Okay! Okay! You got me! I put all 10 mil in cash and buried it behind my cousin Enzo's shed in Queens! Now let me live!"

So the lawyer translates to the don: "Boss, he says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

A deaf couple are on a road trip

My deaf professor told me this joke (in sign language) in college:

A deaf couple are on a road trip. The wife signs to the husband that she is tired, and they should look for a motel for the night. The husband pulls over into the next motel, and they reserve a room.

In the middle of the night, the husband wakes up with a splitting headache. He signs to his wife his wife if they have any ibuprofen. The wife groggily replies to check the glove compartment in the car.

The man, half asleep, gets out of bed, walks out to the car, and finds the pills in the glove compartment.

He gets out of the car to make his way back to the room, but immediately forgets which room is his. So he gets back into the car and SLAMS on the horn and holds it.

Little by little, every room in the motel turns on their light. All but one. That's his room!

Godfather, Bookkeeper and the Lawyer

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,
he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

The deaf bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about". The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Deaf At The Hotel

A deaf couple on their honeymoon spend all day traveling and then check into a tall fancy hotel late in the day. They get to the room, only to realize they've forgotten the champagne. The guy signs that he'll run out and get some. So he drives to the store and grabs the best bottle he can find. As he gets out of the car back at the hotel, he realizes that he's forgotten which room he's in. Thinking for a second, he gets back into the car and blows the horn nonstop for a good 20 seconds. All of the lights in the hotel light up.....................except 1.

Twin sisters just turned 100 years old

Twin sisters just turned one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

Mafia attorney

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back , "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife

He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her.
If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again.

Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.” Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.

He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response.

He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.

He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor. 'Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
'For Pete's sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

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