Terrorist Jokes

Contents

Funniest Terrorist Jokes

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack. Those damn moose limbs.

So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization... ...when will the U.S. government start arming them?

Whats the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage? I don't know I just fly the drone.

How did Isis move from 5th wanted terrorist group to the most wanted terrorist group? They cut a head

How does Trump differ from terrorist organisations? Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack. Those damn mooselimbs.

Funny Terrorist Jokes

What's the difference between a terrorist cell and a children's hospital? ... Don't ask me man, I just fly the drones.

What Did the Muslim Terrorist Say? Who you gota blow to get some virgins around here?

Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven. They ask God who did 911. God replies, "It was perpetrated by members of the Islamic terrorist group Al Qaeda."

One whispers to the other, "Dude, this goes way higher than I thought."

How many terrorist jokes are out there ? You will have to C-4 yourself.

A terrorist walks into a store "How much for this bomb?" he asks
"$500", said the clerk
"Will you take $450?" asks the terrorist
"I'm sorry sir," replies the clerk, "We don't negotiate with terrorists."

TIFU by telling a terrorist joke to my Muslim girlfriend. She blew up in my face.

Why do terrorist use Nokia phones? so they can reuse the phone after the explosion

What's the difference between a terrorist and a civilian? I don't know man, I just fly the drones.

The difference between an angry woman and a terrorist is that sometimes you can negotiate with the terrorist.

What's the difference between a terrorist and a five year old? I don't know, I just pilot the drone

How do you tell the difference between a terrorist and a tenured professor? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

A terrorist had two cases at home... he stuffed one of them with explosives and headed to the metro. Once inside a wagon he waited until the doors were closed and shouted "Infidels!! now you will die!". Fortunately, that was not the case.

What does a Terrorist Photographer do? Photobomb

Dark humor is like a terrorist attack... the timing needs to be just right.

What do you call a terrorist with eight legs? An Iraqnid.

A plane gets hijacked by a couple of terrorists The head terrorist is in the cockpit with the pilot. He demands that the pilot takes them to a free country or else the entire plane will blow up.

The pilot retorts: " This is an airliner, not a spaceship!"

What’s the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What is the difference between a terrorist training camp and a Pakistani elementary school? I don't know, I just fly the drones.

In Canada, you are more likely to be killed by a kick of a moose than by a terrorist attack. Those damn moose limbs!

What's the difference between a muslim wedding and a terrorist training camp? I don't know either, I'm just the drone pilot.

In Pakistan, what's the difference between an elementary school and a terrorist training camp? I don't know, I just fly the drone.

Whats the difference between a terrorist camp and a high school? I don't know, I just fly drones.

What do you get when you cross a terrorist and a Hawaiian food truck? Aloha snack bar!


I'm sorry

A terrorist was told to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe.

What do you call a terrorist in the North Pole? An ISISicle!

I was arrested on my way to school today on suspicion of being a terrorist Turns out I bombed the test

What does a terrorist say when his post reaches the front page ? Wow, this blew up

There is a new terrorist religion that hates addition The Tally Ban

What's the most important part of a terrorist joke? The execution. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

What’s the difference between a Pakistani Orphanage and a terrorist compound? I don’t know, I just fly the drone.

Where does a Terrorist go when he dies? Everywhere!!

Disclaimer: Another one my Student told me.

A terrorist tells the suicide bomber they shouldn't attack the Statue of Liberty, because she's "too easy" ... The bomber shrugs and replies "Eh, I'd still bang"

Did you hear about the terrorist who strapped bombs loaded with Coronavirus to his chest? He blew up and went viral.

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New Terrorist Jokes

Dark joke What's the difference between an elementary school and a terrorist outpost
How would I know all I do is drive the drones

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than of a terrorist attack. Those damn moose limbs.

I accidentally started a worldwide terrorist organization. I just didn’t expect it to blow up so much

When a male ISIS terrorist go to heaven, they meet 10.000 virgins. They are all male ISIS terrorists.

How can you tell if a terrorist is well hung? A loud snap of his neck is a dead giveaway.

Meanwhile in Lahore... A terrorist blows up his own house, after the Pakistan Government issued a *Work From Home* advisory to it's citizens.

The police were called to a unique situation where a terrorist blew up his own house.... ....apparently due to the virus he was also issued work from home instructions!

ISIS has issued a travel warning to terrorists The terrorist group has urged supporters to avoid “the land of the epidemic”.

Meanwhile in Britain, Ariana Grande concert tickets are selling out a lot faster.

What is it called when a terrorist robs a bank by himself? An Allah-loan job.

First joke here not very good at it sorry.

Did you hear about that new terrorist movie? It was a box office bomb

Why did the terrorist blonde fail to blow up a van? She burned her mouth on the exhaust pipe.

BREAKING: A dyslexic terrorist had stormed the zoo He has taken 6 ostriches

Why is Antifa the absolute WORST terrorist organization!! Because they've killed zero people.

Did you hear about the terrorist who blew up his first car? Burned his lips on the tailpipe.

What did the incompetent terrorist say? Edit: Wow, this blew up

What did the French terrorist say to his departing friend? Bomb voyage.

Did you hear about the retarded terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

Have you heard about the most famous terrorist ? No one expected him to blow up

A Terrorist goes to a psychiatrist the psychiatrist diagnosed him with being self-destructive.

What's the difference between a terrorist recruitment center and an Iranian general? I don't know, man, I'm just a pilot.

Did you hear the one about the Polish terrorist they sent to blow up a car? He burnt his mouth on the tail pipe

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a well-known terrorist with a long history of violence

What did the terrorist say when he ran into the cafeteria? ALLAH SNACKBAR!!

What did the the terrorist zoomer say to the boomer? KA BOOMer

Ibises are actually part of an undercover terrorist organisation, and I know who their leader is... ...Osama Bin Chicken.

This may go over your heads if you're not Australian. We call Ibises 'bin chickens'.

What the difference between a terrorist and an angry women? You can negotiate with the terrorist

What do you call a terrorist born during WWII? A boomer.

What do you call the fastes terrorist Hussein Bolt

A group of terrorist just hijacked a building full of congressmen... ...They laid their intent and threatened everyone should they not follow that they would release one congressman every hour

The terrorist behind the underwear bomb died today. Which is good. Because no one likes a guy who goes off in his pants.

Theres a new Islamic terrorist organization in Nigeria and they have also been caught poaching gorillas They call themselves "Boko Harambe"

People say that Pakistan is a terrorist nation..... Guys it's not true, even Osama bin Laden lived there peacefully for 6 years

Terrorist comedians. They can bomb and kill at the same time.

What does a terrorist IT expert do the most? Troubleshooting

Suspected terrorist attack as hole is blown into wall of public toilet at Waterloo station... Police are looking into it.

What is it called when a terrorist tells a joke? Boomer humor.

Why did the terrorist blow up the winery? Because it was full of Zinfandels.

Did you hear about the Terrorist Chef? He wrote a Menufeasto

Proud Terrorist discussing his kids Yep, they blow up so fast!

What do you call a terrorist group full of snowmen? ICES

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Long Terrorist Jokes

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”

The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”

The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.

“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.

So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”

“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”

Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint-

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"

Dad: "Your last words!"

Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"

Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"

Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"

Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."

Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"?

Dad: "About a pound and a half."

Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!"

Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Iraq and brought to the terrorists' camp.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”

The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”

The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.

“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.

So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind.
The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”

“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”

A dog attacks a little girl

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: \- "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read in the newspapers: Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says: \- "But I am not a New Yorker!"
\- "Oh, then it will say in newspapers in the morning: Brave American saves life of little girl."
\- "But I am not an American!" says the man.
\- "Oh, where are you from then?"
\- "I am from Iraq".

So the next day newspapers reads "Dangerous Islamic terrorist kills innocent American dog in front of a little girl".

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The ISIS commander told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”

The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”

The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.

“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.

So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the commander dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his rucksack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”

“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”

A mathematician is afraid of flying

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."

I was waiting at a stop light yesterday...

Up next to me pulled a small car. It was full of Muslim terrorist types shouting in a foreign language. The car had a half burnt American flag hanging on the side with "Remember 911" spray painted on the side. One of the men stuck his head out the window and shouted "Death to America!!!" They sped off right after before the light changed to green.

Out of nowhere an 18 wheeler slammed into the side of the car, crushing it and killing them all instantly.

I sat for a minute in shock. I thought to myself, that could have been me.

So this morning I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

The story of Strongman Dria

In Iraq there was a man named Dria who lived in a small village. Dria was special, because he was as strong as 10 men combined. However, as a way to level the playing field, Dria wasn't very smart. He's like a little kid who doesn't realize his own power. One day Dria's grandmother becomes very ill, and there's nothing in the world Dria loves more than his gram-gram, so he vows to save his grandma no matter the cost. But because he doesn't realize how special he is, he can't think of any ways to earn enough money to save his grandmother. As he's walking around town trying to find money, a shady looking dude comes out of an alley way and waves Dria over.
"I've heard things about you. I have a group of friends that could use your help. Care to join? We'll pay you."
Dria jumps at the chance, but little does he realize he has just joined a local terrorist cell attempting to make a name for themselves. He heads to their hideout, and after a couple days Dria conducts his first raid. He performs amazing feats of strength, flipping cars and tearing doors off of their hinges. He manages to squeeze every dime out of the people of the village. A new recruit was mesmerized by what Dria did, and after the raid went and talked to him.
"Wow! Your strength is amazing! But why are you helping us when you could be doing good for others?"
"My gram-gram is sick and the guys here said they'd pay me if I helped them."
"Oh ok. How much have they paid you?"
"Well, nothing so far, but I'll get it soon!"
The recruit was heartbroken by the story, but didn't want to ruin everything for the men he now calls his brothers, so he says nothing. More raids are conducted, and with each one the recruit's heart sinks a little more, until he just can't take it.
"Dria, I have something to tell you. You've been conned. You aren't going to see even a little bit of the money."
Dria, absolutely furious that he'd been duped, leaves the hideout, and runs to the hills. Upon hearing the news, the leaders of the terrorist cell aren't worried.
"We are rich! We don't need a strongman, we can conduct the raids ourselves!"
However, when the terrorists tried again, they failed miserably. They couldn't take any money from the villagers that they had previously robbed. The group eventually broke up because they no longer had the funds to attack people. And thus, all of the members of the terrorist cell learned a very valuable lesson that day: that the might of conned Dria was the powerhouse of the cell.

A driver was stuck in Washington D.C. in the worst traffic jam he had ever seen...

Cars were stretched out for miles ahead of him. As he was sitting there, a young fellow approached his car and knocked on the window. "What's the holdup?", the driver asked. "Well," answered the young fellow, "It seems that a terrorist group is holding the entire U.S. Congress hostage up ahead a few miles. They claim they're going to douse the whole bunch of them with gasoline and start them on fire unless they get $50 million. I'm just going car to car to try and get some donations." "I'd love to help." said the driver. "How much is everyone else giving?" "About a gallon each."

The Jewish Tie Salesman

A Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail, little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack … selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water.”
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace." Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”

The Jewish Tie Salesman

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something
far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little Jewish man
standing at a small makeshift display rack selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The old man replied, "I have no water. Would like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an overpriced western adornment. 
I spit on your ties. I need water!"

"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you,
but I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me,
or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me Infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. 
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food
and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie..."

Two terrorists in a bar

Two terrorists discussing in a bar. The waiter finds their behavior suspicious so he comes to their table and asks: "What are you talking about?"

Terrorist: "We are planning to kill five hundered people and a goat."

Waiter: "Why a goat?"

The first terrorist says to the other: "See? I told you nobody will care about five hundered people."

A mathematician is afraid of flying because of the risk of a terrorist bombing it in mid air. So he takes a bomb in his hand baggage

"The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero.

Obama walks into a bar.....

Some time passes after the 2016 US Presidential election, and Barack Obama passes away from old age. He gets bored after a while in heaven, and asks God if he can return to Earth for a while to see how the good ole' US of A is turning out. God agrees.

Obama returns to Brooklyn, and walks into a bar, ordering a beer. He asks the barkeep "How's the country? How are foreign affairs? Any problems currently being faced?"

"Oh, nothing at all, sir. We're an empire now. We're successful."

"But what about Iraq and Afghanistan? Those were terrorist hotspots not too long ago?"

"We control it now. We're an empire. Everything is good."

"But what about Europe, Asia, and their financial crises?"

"That too has been taken care of. We are now finally an empire."

Pleased at the outlook of the country he once led, Obama asks the bartender for the bill:

"65 rubles, sir", replies the bartender.

John Cleese talks about the terror threat levels of nations

The English are concerned about the recent increase in terrorist activities, and have therefore raised their security level from “miffed” to “peeved.” If the threats continue to grow, the security levels may be raised to “irritated” or even “a bit cross.” (The English have not seen “a bit cross” since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.)

Terrorists have been recategorized from “tiresome” to “a bloody nuisance.” The last time Britain issued “a bloody nuisance” warning was in 1588, when Spain launched the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “pis*ed off” to “let’s go get the bas*ards.” They don’t have any other levels—which is why they have been placed on the front lines of the British Army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced that it has raised its terror alert from “run” to “hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “collaborate” and “surrender.”

Meanwhile, the Spanish are excited to see that their new submarines are ready to deploy. These beautiful new vessels have glass bottoms, so the Spanish sailors can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Down under, Australia has raised its security level from “no worries, mate” to “she’ll be all right.” The next escalation would be “we may need to cancel the barbie this weekend.” The final level is “Crikey! The barbie is cancelled.”

Australia has never faced a crisis so severe that it merited this highest level.

Best explanation of Star Wars

The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents, and carries out a terrorist attack which kills 300'000 people.

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Iraq.

The ISIS commander told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”

The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”

The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.

“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.

So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the commander dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his rucksack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”

“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar...

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about?

Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey..

Waiter :- Why a donkey?

Then one terrorist says to the other,
"See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people

Topical Joke Takeover 8/2/13

A new study shows that plastic surgery only makes you look about three years younger. And *not* getting plastic surgery, makes you look about five years younger.

The recent Rolling Stone issue with alleged marathon bomber Dzokhar Tsarnaev on the cover is selling like crazy. Drawing equal controversy, is the most recent cover of “Terrorist Monthly” which features One Direction.

…Tsarnaev is really riding a positive PR wave, he’s even being selected as People Magazine’s “Sexiest Terrorist Alive.”

James Cameron has announced that he plans to make three Avatar sequels. Unfortunately, two of those sequels are “Smurfs” movies.

The Texas prison system is running low on the drug they use to administer lethal injections. They don’t have enough of the drug to kill an inmate, just make him feel like he has really bad cramps.

Accused murderer Aaron Hernandez sent a fan a handwritten letter that said, “God put me in jail.” That’s right folks, God’s a snitch.

…apparently Hernandez thinks one of the ten commandments is: “Thou haveth the right to remaineth silent.”

Scientists have developed a method to grow teeth from urine. You don’t have to worry about bad breath, as long as you keep a urinal cake in your mouth.

…naturally they came up with the idea of making teeth from urine by asking, “What’s the last thing you’d want in your mouth?”.

The US Postal Service has confirmed that they photograph every box or letter mailed in the United States. When he heard the news, Anthony Weiner rushed down to the post office, because he heard they wanted to photograph his package.

Speaking of the Post Office, wants to allow beer and wine to be shipped via US Mail. Which is great, because the mail is so slow, by the time you get your wine, *it’s already vintage!*

…just imagine the convenience of shipping alcohol through the mail. You drop off a case of beer at the post office, and then your mailman would deliver a soggy, beer-soaked box, filled with shattered glass.

The shares for Facebook have finally climbed higher than the price at their IPO. Mark Zuckerberg is relieved, now he can stop leaving shares of Facebook stock under people’s windshield wipers.

The hoodie Trayvon Martin was wearing when he was shot will be placed in the Smithsonian museum. George Zimmerman will be present for the ribbon-shooting ceremony.

Ellen Degeneres has been selected to host the 2014 Academy Awards. Degeneres is ready to go, she’s already picked out her most glamorous sweater vest.

In Russia, a man was arrested for stealing a one-mile stretch of road. Police arrested the man immediately, because the road he stole was his only escape route!

(Thanks for reading, yes I wrote these)

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a terrorist bombing the plane. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage.

"The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero.

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