Well I hope they're funny, anyway. The past few months I've been writing down anything that seems vaguely amusing to me. I imagine that some of them might be already-existing jokes without knowing it, but I hope you enjoy!
* I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down. In hindsight, I think it was a mist opportunity.
* What vegetable likes to wait around in lines? Queuecumbers
* What's a pensioner's favourite genre of music? Hip-op
* I decided to drink something from a scientist's test tube. It tasted vial.
* Why did the artist visit the bank? To draw some money.
* What's the best thing about walking through a friendly forest? All the pleasantrees
* I was going to make a joke about alcoholism, but I decided against it because I thought it'd be a bit too whiskey.
* how do you greet the world's cleanest woman? "Hi, Jean".
* I got kicked out of the wig shop because I didn't want toupee.
* I bought an album called "Sounds of the Railway", but I didn't like any of the tracks
* I tried to get into the Guinness Book of Records by smashing up music albums. I broke a lot of records.
* Why were there clouds at the theatre production? Because it had been over cast.
* I used to have a job testing the durability of trainers. You might think that sounds easy, but it was sole-destroying work...
* Did you hear about the fellow who went insane trying to clear his sinuses? He ended up in a menthol hospital
* I used to be obsessed with going to the bank. I'm trying to stop but I have withdrawal symptoms...
* Why did the eagle go to church? Because it's a bird of pray.
* Where do fish go to earn a degree? Tunaversity.
* Someone suggested I should grow my hair down the back of my head. I wasn't keen on the idea, but I told them I'd mullet over.
* I watched a movie documentary about the history of tea exports, it was rated PG tips.
* Who stands outside the toddler nightclub? Baby bouncers.
* I have a very special type of dog - it was cross-bred with a vegetable. It's a border cauliflower
* What happened to the last aftershave in the cupboard? It felt colognely
* What do you inject into a suit to make it look bigger? Bowtux.
Bonus jokes that I didn't think were very good but decided to include anyway!!!!
* I had a dinner cooked by Dr. Who. It tasted dalektable (like... delectable)
* What do you call a sour supervisor? A lime manager.
* What food keeps you warm on a cold day? Fajitas... (like uh, fa-heaters...)
* What's the funniest type of cereal? A muesli (like... amuse-li?)
* The Bow and Arrow is an excellent weapon, with one drawback.
* Gambling can be very dangerous, if roulette it take over your life.
* What do you call a boring, unoriginal piece of fruit? A banalna.
* What do you call a piece of fruit that doesn't really matter? Not applic-apple.
My best friend got mad at me because he caught me smelling his sister's panties
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who would've thought you could make the funeral of such a cute toddler more awkward then it already was...
A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company
He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight reflected off the moon. He had a lot on his mind, since he was not only recently married, but he had a four year old daughter to take care of.
The thought of not being able to provide for his toddler weighted down his head, and his eyes stayed focused on the ground. Though his mind drifted between thoughts and worries, the cold kept his body rigid and alert. The ethereal night seemed to not even faze the young man, content on going home. He was far enough away from town now to see the stars, but he'd never get far enough away to see the explosive beauty of the unpolluted night sky.
At last he arrived at his home. Though his mind remained inactive, his body reached into his suede jacket and removed the keys within, turning the lock without issue. He stumbled inside, leaving his shoes and his mind by the door. His hands curled around his neck and tugged on his red tie until it came loose, and then they loosed their grip until it fell to the ground. His body dropped into bed, and his mind joined it, without even worrying about bathing. The heat of his loved one warmed his frozen muscles, and he fell joyously into the arms of sleep.
He emerged from rest at 10 o clock AM. It was a Saturday now. The young man, reinvigorated, quickly bathed and put on new clothes. The heat of the water nearly lulled him back to sleep, but the sudden rush of cold he experienced after his shower brought him back out. The nervous young man carried his lazy bones into the kitchen, where they were greeted by the aroma of pancakes and bacon. His love, bless her soul, had prepared breakfast for them. The whole family gathered around the table and enjoyed a meal. At one point, the young girl noticed her father's glass was empty. "You're glass went empty, daddy," she mumbled with an innocent smile on her face that only toddlers can have "would you like another one?" Her father grew a massive grin "Why would I want two empty glasses?"
a visitor to georgia saw a vicious dog attack a toddler
He took out his pocket knife, ran over, and stabbed the dog to death.
The mother of the toddler said
"now look here, you have saved my boy.
I happen to be a newspaper reporter, and in this week's newspaper I will personally make the headline:"
BRAVE LOCAL MAN SAVES CHILD BY KILLING BEAST
"that's great," said the man: "but I'm not from this town".
the reporter said "In that case, the headline will be:"
GEORGIA MAN SAVES CHILD BY KILLING DOG
"but I'm not actually from Georgia," the man said. "I'm from Vermont."
"oh". the reporter scowled
"the headline's gonna be:"
YANKEE BUTCHERS FAMILY PET
[long] A woman wasn't happy with the way her toddler was growing up
He was a normal child in all regards, but he didn't show any kind of resemblance or similarity to her or her husband. This greatly disturbed her, but she didn't say anything to her husband lest he get upset.
One day, she decides enough is enough and has a DNA test done on the boy without telling her husband. Alas, the results were exactly what she feared. The child was not theirs. She was extremely aggrieved.
That evening, when her husband came home, she cried out the terrible news to him. Her husband was absolutely calm and replied, "yes, I know".
What do you mean you know? she demanded.
Well honey, you remember the day you gave birth to the baby, when we were taking the baby home, the baby peed in his diaper?
Then you handed the baby to me and told me "get the baby changed". So I did.
A british mum and her toddler visit her American friend
The mum and her friend were talking late at night when the toddler shouts from the bedroom "mum i have a bloody nose" the friend says "oh you should do something about that" the mum replies " oh no it's allright he's just learning his body parts".
A toddler comes home from Catholic school
She asks her dad “dad, they said God made everybody, is that true?”
Her dad says “Yes that is true.”
She asks “So God made you?”
Her dad says “Yes, God made me.”
Puzzled, she asks “and God made me?”
Her dad replies “Yes, he made you... why?”
She then replies “Okay, at least God is getting better now.”
A teacher told us a 28-minute joke. Here is most of it.
There’s this kid who has a fascination with trains. As a baby he had toy trains, as a toddler he read books about trains, and once he started grade school he started seriously studying trains. Every day after school, he would go down to the train tracks and watch. He became friends with the people who worked there, and he was completely obsessed.
When he got a little bit older, he started to take an interest in girls. With this one girl, he took her out on the first date and told her they would go somewhere special. He took her to the train station, and when she got there she was confused. “Where’s the special place? What is this?” And the boy just went ballistic. “What do you mean? This is amazing!” He yelled at her angrily.
After that incident, the girl started spreading around that the boy was crazy. This made the boy feel really isolated, so he began to involve himself less and less with his school friends.
Later the only people he really talked to were the people at the train tracks and his parents. His parents were kind of concerned that he didn’t have any school friends, but they thought that he was fine as long as he was getting good grades.
Soon it was time for the boy to graduate from high school and go off the college. He found a really good train school, and he immediately sent in an application. The teachers were very impressed by his prior experience with trains, and he began to go to this school.
When he got to the train school and started taking classes, he was amazed at how easy the classes were.
Every time a teacher would try to say something, he would but in with something like, “actually, that rule was taken away two years ago.” Overall, he was that one kid who was a complete smart aleck (we all know that one kid).
Eventually the teacher got so upset with the boy’s interruptions that he said, “Stop trying to teach my class. If you already know the material, just stop showing up.”
So, the boy did just that. He stopped showing up to his classes, and he started partying instead. He was up partying every night, and he didn’t go back to class until the final exam rolled around.
The boy didn’t have any of the in-class work done since he never bothered to show up, but this final exam was worth 90% of your grade. This was like the final test before becoming a doctor or a lawyer, but with train school. It was a big deal.
When the boy walked in to take the exam, his teacher said, “nice of you to show up.” The boy said, “yeah, I think I really know the material, even though I haven’t been coming to class.”
Then the teacher handed out the exams, and when the boy got his he started to laugh. It then turned into a full-blown evil laugh, and the teacher asked why he was laughing. The boy said, “You gave me the wrong test! This is, like, introductory level stuff!”
The teacher assured the boy that this was, in fact, the real exam. The boy quietly laughed as he flew through the questions. He finished in 30 minutes. This test had 200 questions, and it was meant to be finished in 2 hours. When he got up so quickly, everyone stared at him in bewilderment.
And it’s not like he just randomly picked answers. Sometimes someone will finish a test super early, but they really just guessed. This wasn’t the case. The boy was sure that he knew everything there was to know about trains.
The test grades would be out in a few weeks. Now, this was in the 80’s, so the students couldn’t check their answers online. When the answers came out, they had to look at the postings and see what they got.
With this test, the highest scores were on top. Of course, the boy looked for his name at the very top. When he didn’t see it, he kept going down...and down...and down until he found his name. It was at the very bottom. The boy scored a zero out of two hundred.
Then the boy talked to his teacher about his test. “This must be a mistake. I was sure I got every answer right.” When he got his test back, the boy saw that he got every single question wrong. The teacher said he can try again next year.
In the second year of train school, the boy was a little bit more serious. He didn’t interrupt the teacher, but he still acted like the smartest kid in class. After every question, his hand would immediately shoot up. He also cut down on the partying, but he still missed some of his classes.
When it came time for the final exam, the boy felt like he was ready. He had paid more attention this year, came to more classes, and he felt confident that he would ace it this time.
When he got his exam this time, he started to laugh. “What is it?” The teacher asked once again. “Are you serious?” The boy asked. “Is this actually the test? It’s so easy!” The teacher told him to be quiet and to take the test.
Once again, the boy flew through all 200 questions. This time, he finished in 20 minutes. Once again, he was sure that he had gotten every question spot-on.
Then the results were ready. The boy walked in and looked for his name at the top. When he didn’t see his name, he kept going lower...and lower... and lower... until he found his name. At the bottom, once again. He had gotten a whopping 10 out of 200.
This time he was pretty angry at his teacher. “There’s no way I got only 10 questions right!” When he looked at his test he had, indeed, only gotten 10 questions correct.
The teacher said, “all right, you can try again next year. But if you fail next year, you’re not allowed to try again because you’re giving this school a bad name by failing over and over.”
So, the third year rolls around, and this time the boy was committed. He came to every single class and never interrupted, always paying full attention. He took notes on everything, even though he already knew it. He skipped every party to stay and study.
Later it was time to take the exam. When the teacher handed the boy his test, he said, “third time’s a charm,” and everyone stared at them.
The boy got the test and laughed harder than ever before. “Really? You have GOT to be joking.”
“What do you mean?” The teacher asked.
“Give me the real test.”
“This IS the real test.”
Then the boy stood up. “No, you’re playing a trick. I want the REAL test.” The teacher told him to sit down and shut up.
The boy took the test like before, with 200 questions, and this time is was easier than ever. He finished it in ten minutes.
Now all he had to do was wait for the results. For the next few weeks, all the boy could think about were these test results. He was extremely nervous that he would fail, and he completely abandoned going outside or taking care of himself.
After the few weeks he was in terrible condition. He smelled terrible, his hair was messy, and overall, he was in complete shambles.
When the test results finally came, the boy rushed over to class and looked at the results. He looked over the entire list of names, and his was nowhere to be found. Now in full rage mode, he stormed over to his teacher.
“My name isn’t even on there! Where’s my test?” When the teacher didn’t answer, the boy completely exploded. “This is all your fault! You’ve been failing me on purpose!” Then the boy started throwing punches at his teacher. He went so far as to bite his teacher’s forehead before security came.
They said, “we get that you were stressed, so we won’t call the police. But if you ever show up on this property again, you’ll be arrested.”
The boy thought that they had ruined his life. So, naturally, he wanted to ruin their lives.
He showed up on the school’s property one time and used a crowbar to mess with one of the trains. The train went off the tracks and completely obliterated the teacher and many students.
There was no doubt that the boy had done it. There were handprints all over the crowbar, which was owned by him, and he it looked like he hadn’t even tried to keep it a secret.
So, the boy was arrested and taken to jail. He was sentenced to death.
It takes a while for death sentences to finally prepare, so the boy had been sitting in jail for quite some time. He wasn’t even a boy anymore; he was in his 20s or 30s.
The man was kept in a separate cell from the other inmates because he had gone completely crazy.
When the electric chair was ready to execute the man, the people came in to take him away. “Any last words?” They asked him.
“No, not really.” Then they told the man that they always allow the person one last wish. “What wish do you have?”
The man said, “get me the biggest cigar you have.”
So, the guards brought the man a cigar that was twice the size of a normal one. The man finished it in 10 hits.
Then, they took the man to the electric chair. They strapped in his arms and legs, and put a towel over his head. Then, they turned on the electric chair. The man shook a little as the electric chair shocked him. After they turned off the electric chair, they suddenly heard laughing. When the took off the towel, they saw the man sitting there, laughing at them. “What was that?” He asked. He appeared to have not felt anything.
The guards were really confused. They concluded that something just broke in the electric chair, and they would try again tomorrow.
The next day, the guards came back to execute the man. “Any last words?” They asked again. “No, not really.” “What is your last wish?” The guards asked. This time, the man asked for a cigar even bigger than yesterday’s. So, the guards brought him cigar that was as big as his forearm. As he puffed, the man finished the cigar in 5 hits.
Now it was time for the execution. This time, the guards just hoped that the electric chair would do its job. They strapped in the man’s arms and legs, and they put a towel over his head. For the second time, they turned on the electric chair.
This time, the man wasn’t just shaking. His arms were violently flailing, and it looked like the leg straps were about to snap. The guards watched as the man was shocked, sure that he would be burnt to a crisp.
After they turned off the chair, it was all silent. Then they heard it. Laughing, once again. They took off the towel and saw the man sitting there, just as alive as he was before.
Now the guards were really confused. Maybe this man was different, they thought. He probably just needed more power in the chair.
So, a guard went down to city hall to meet with the mayor. “Please,” the guard begged, “can you give us all the power to the city, just for tomorrow?” When the mayor refused, the guard still did not give up. “Please, just for one hour?” The mayor finally gave in. The jail would have access to all the power in the city for one hour the next day.
24 hours later, it was time. The guards went to the man’s cell for the third (and hopefully last) time. “Any last words?” They asked. “No, not really.” “What is your last wish?” The guards asked him. “I want you,” The man said, “to get me the biggest cigar in the world.” The guards wanted to honor the man’s last wish, so they got him the biggest cigar they could find on the face of the earth. It was as big as the room, and when the man held it, it looked like a didgeridoo. As he puffed, the man finished the cigar in one hit. After that, the entire building was filled with smoke, with people coughing and fainting in the halls. It took half an hour just to air out the jail and get the air back to normal.
With only half an hour left to use all of the power to the city, the guards had to work fast. They strapped in the man’s arms and legs, and cover his head with a towel. Then they pulled the switch and turned on the power. The entire room was filled with flashes of light. This time, the man was not just shaking or moving violently. He was full-out flying across the room as the chair shook him back and forth.
One of the guards managed to get across the room and turn off the switch. It was all quiet as people recovered from the flashes of light. Suddenly, they heard snoring. Under the towel, the man was asleep! Then he woke up, and asked, “are you guys going to start yet?”
Everyone was baffled. Since the electric chair wasn’t going to work, they just had to let the man go. Before they released him, a guard walked up to the man. “Okay, your free now,” the guard said. “We’re not going to recapture you if you tell me this. But, how did you manage to survive that?”
The man said, “I don’t know. I’ve just never been a very good conductor.”
My eldest put together a Dora joke
When my two younger sons were in the toddler to kindergarten age, they loved watching Dora the Explorer. Episode after episode. My wife & I found it very cute.
My eldest found it quite annoying. But he was a teenager then.
He came up with a Dora joke after a weekend of 500 (just exaggerating a smidge) Dora episodes.
Q: What did Dora say at the JFK assassination?
Me: What did she say?
A: Sniper, no \*blam\* sniping.
The Avengers were on a mission to save the Egyptian god of the sun.
Thanos, with the help of the Reality Stone, turned the god into a baby and usurped his powers. As he was about to kill him, in the nick of time, the Avengers showed up.
Diving forward, Captain America managed to snatch away the baby while Thanos was busy with his monologue. Realizing this, Thanos shot a burst of energy at Steve, but luckily it was deflected by Iron Man in the nick of time.
Hulk jumped in and with his monstrous strength tried to repel the titan, but empowered with the power of the sun, Thanos shook him away easily, nearly burning him to a crisp in the process.
Steve looked and at Tony and spoke, "We can't win at the moment. Not when he has the power of a god AND an Infinity Stone."
"Cap, you take this toddler god and go somewhere where Thanos can't find you."
Captain America spoke over the comms to inform the rest of the Avengers of the plan.
"Hey, I'll hide Ra!"
Wants to be boss of the world. Has absolutely no experience to be able to do that. Constantly yells things without knowing what they mean. Has had servants all his life. Wants nothing other than control and attention.
My toddler is driving me CRAZY!
Preparations for parenthood - dressing and feeding.
New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.
To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to the fish market and buy an extra large octopus. Now, attempt to put the entire octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out of the bag. The first few times will take all morning but you'll get the hang of it eventually.
To practice feeding your child, go buy a watermelon. Then drill a thumb-size hole in it, hollow out the contents, and hang it from the ceiling so that it swings back and forth. Now, make a bowl of soggy cereal and attempt to spoon it into the watermelon while you make choo-choo or airplane noises. Continue for half and hour, and then dump any remaining cereal onto your lap while remaining calm and cheerful.
Hopefully by using these simple exercises, it will help you prepare for joy's of feeding and dressing your toddler.
Drought is fairly common in the Australian outback, sometimes it can be years before the next good rainfall.
Recently a young toddler was playing outside while his father was mending some fences. He’d never seen rain before and was caught in a brief shower. The young lad had no idea what was happening and became completely disoriented. In a state of panic he passed out before his dad could get to him. Fortunately it wasn’t long before dad arrived, and threw a bucket of dust on him to bring him round.
If Adidas decided to branch into the toy making industry...
They could make a toddler toy where little letter-shaped blocks fit into letter-shaped holes. Then, I could call them to say, "Excuse me, but my son's 'B' block is not fitting into the fourth slot on our toy..." And they could reply. "Of course a 'B'
doesn't fit. But a 'D' does."
I want to make a film about a husband and a wife who both work in immigration. As a consequence of the family separation policy, they are unable to reunify a toddler with his parents, so they decide to become his adoptive parents
The title would be ICE ICE Baby
In which in one box is $1 million and in another is $11.25 and a whole bunch of toys, and a toddler has to pick one of the two while the parents have to watch from behind a screen and scream.
(In no way is this mine, and I'm sure it's been posted before, but this gets me every time.)
Cup of Tea
A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of he favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV.
He sipped each “cup of tea” he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.
Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn’t wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his “cup of tea” and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.
The mother watched him drink it and said: “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”