Toddler Jokes

My wife said we needed to childproof our upright piano, so it wouldn't fall over on our toddler... ... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.

Score: 584
Funny Toddler Jokes
Score: 252

How is a toddler like a cell phone? If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.

Score: 107

How is a toddler like a cell phone? If you can't find it within three days, you can presume it's dead.

Score: 69

What's fast and can breathe underwater? Not a toddler, I can tell you that

Score: 37

What's the difference between a toddler and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would *never* let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.

Score: 35

I hear the woman who gave her toddler Botox treatments lost custody because of it. Her daughter didn't look surprised.

Score: 34

What do you get when you drop a piano on a toddler? A flat minor

Score: 27

My daughter entered a toddler's beauty pageant in the south. She won the Miss Sippy Cup!

Score: 21

What happened to the toddler that refused to take a nap? She got in trouble for resisting a rrest.

Score: 13

What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling? One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

^^^...

^^^I ^^^know, ^^^I ^^^know, ^^^/r/dadjokes ^^^is ^^^thataway

Score: 12

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a toddler? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.

Score: 12

Yo mama's so fat... When she picked up a toddler the zoo keepers shot her.

Score: 12

My toddler tried out and age aproporiate pickup line "Hey baby, you've got some fiiiiiiine motor skills."

Score: 11

My toddler has now reached the age where she has cute nicknames for me and my wife. Now we’re “mama” and “AUGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

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What does a toddler and a gardener have in common? They both wet the bed.

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Difference between a feminist and a toddler? Nobody hates a Toddler.

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A gorilla walks into a bar and says "I'd like a toddler on the rocks, please"

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What's the difference between a toddler and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of the window.

Score: 8

What's the difference between a bag of coke and a toddler Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of coke fall out a window

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My cop husband was trying to put our toddler down for a nap, but she wouldn’t stop running around the house. He finally picks her up, throws her over his shoulder, and yells “stop resisting a rest!”

Score: 7

What is the difference between a bag of cocaine and a toddler? Eric Clapton won't let a bag of cocaine fall out of the window.

Score: 6

A toddler was arrested at a day care today... He was resisting a rest

Score: 6

Toddler car seats and Gaming chairs have a few things in common They are both designed to provide comfort, both are expensive and most importantly the user always gets carried :)

Score: 6

What’s the fastest land mammal? A toddler that has been asked what is in their mouth.

Score: 6

What do a 14 year old and an open bucket of bleach have in common? For twenty bucks either'll take care of your toddler.

-&y (yup, mine)

Score: 6

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a toddler? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

Score: 5

I bought my toddler a plastic "Iron Throne". I paid the Fisher-Price.

Score: 4

A mother notices her toddler typing on the keyboard She tells her older child, “Hey look at your little brother type on the keyboard just like daddy!”

Her daughter replies, “No mommy, he types like you. Daddy uses one hand.”

Score: 4

As a baby and toddler I was bathed in cheap Australian lager.... It was only when I reached 28 that my parents admitted that I had been Fostered.

Score: 4

What was the stressed out toddler diagnosed with? Diapertension

Score: 3

Why was the anti-vax toddler depressed? He was having a midlife crisis

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Why was the antivaxxer's toddler crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.

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Why was the Nigerian toddler crying? He was going through mid life crisis.

Score: 2

what do a toddler and a case of new pencils have in common? They are both pointless.

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Why was the antivaxxer’s toddler crying? She was having a mid-life crisis.

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Why was the antivaxer’s toddler crying? He could pick out which casket he wanted for his funeral next week

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