Duck Jokes

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Funniest Duck Jokes

(from my 8 year old) What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear? His butt quack

Funny Duck Jokes

I ordered giant duck at a fancy restaurant last night The bill was huge!

What noise does a subatomic duck make? Quark

Why does a duck have feathers? To cover its butt quack

Having a duck orgy at my house... If anyone wants to come on down.

What do you call a mouse on 2 legs Friend "i dont know"
Me "mickey mouse"
Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs"
Friend "donald duck"
Me " all ducks idiot"

What did the duck say to the prostitute? Put it on my bill.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the oven until its bill withers.

Duck Joke Q: Why did the duck go to jail?







A: He was selling quack.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Leave it in the oven till it's Bill Withers

There are 2 ducks. One duck pulls his pants down. What does the other duck see? His but-quack.

How did the duck rob the bank? It quacked the code to the vault.

What did the Mexican duck say? Guac

What happens when a duck bends over? You can see its butt quack.

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken said.. "dont do it man, you will never hear the end of it"

Why did the duck get arrested? because he was selling quack

Little joke I thought of: What do you call a duck being kidnapped? An abduction.

I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.

How do you turn a duck into a blues singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers

What did the chicken say to the duck as it was about to cross the road? "Don't do it man, you'll never hear the end of it."

What do you get when you cross a duck with an octopus? Fired and blacklisted from the genetics industry.

What do you get when you cross a frog, a duck and a rhinoceros? ......Fuckifino

How do you eat duck eggs? First you gotta quack em open!

What did the duck do after he lost his wife, his job, and his house? He became a quack head

I dropped a duck egg on the floor... It quacked.

Why did the duck go to drug dealer Quack

(Yea I know it’s terrible but I’m at the park and I just saw some ducks, so yea)

A Duck was sitting on the side of the road, thinking about crossing it.. A chicken walks up to him and says, “don’t even think about it mate. You’ll never hear the end of it”

Why did the duck go to prison? He got caught selling quack.

How to prepare duck When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their duck. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave till it's Bill Withers.

Why did the duck become broke and homeless? Because he smoked to much quack

A Duck is standing on the side of the road waiting a for break in the traffic... A chicken walks up to him and says “Don’t do it, you’ll never hear the end of it.”

What's the difference between Turkey and Duck? Duck doesn't deny the Armenian Genocide.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead ...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Remember duck tape turns no no no... In to mmm mmm mmm

A duck walks in to an alternative medicine practicioners office. Points a wing at him and says with a frown: "Quack!"

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers

I ordered giant duck at a fancy restaurant the other day The bill was huge!

A chicken walks up to a duck that’s considering crossing the road. “Don’t do it, pal,” the chicken says, “you’ll never hear the end of it.”

A duck was standing on the curb Cars zoomed past the duck while he waited for a break in traffic. A chicken walked up to him and said "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

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New Duck Jokes

A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink The bartender asks him how will he be paying. The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill"

Do you know who lives in the bad part of Duck Town? Quackheads

I used to own a duck farm But I had to sell it.

It was driving me quackers

A man walks into a doctor's office with a duck standing on his head The doctor said - "how did this happen?"

"I'm not sure. It started a couple weeks ago as a growth on my foot," says the duck.

I think I made an original joke,at least none of my friends have ever heard it before. Why did the duck become a detective?
Why?
So he could QUACK the case!

Duck walks into a drug store... Duck asks, "please, can I have some chap stick?" Clerk asks, "will this be cash or charge?'.

Duck replies, "just put it on my bill".

Why did the duck get arrested? Cuz he got caught selling quack.

Then the duck walked up to the lemonade stand and says to the man running, “hey” (bom bom bom) “you never expect the spanish inquisition“

Duck hunting... Two duck hunters and their dogs aren't having any luck.
One turns to the other and says,
"Maybe we aren't throwing the dogs high enough."

Why does a duck have tail feathers? To cover its butt-quack

A boy and girl are playing in a swimming pool... The boy says to the girl... I’m going to duck you!
The girl laughs and says... don’t be silly you can’t even say it properly

What goes quick quick? A South African duck

What did the duck say to the human? “Got any grapes?”

How do you turn a duck into a blues singer? Leave him in the oven until it's Bill Withers.

A duck threw a duck at another duck. So I shouted "DUCK!".... They all looked at me and said "what?"

What happens when a duck changes from liquid to solid state? It Quackulates!!

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. ​

He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f\*cking'." His wife says, "That's a duck." He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."...

Why did the duck get arrested? For selling quack

Why was the duck arrested? For selling quack.

What drug does a Duck smoke? Quack.

A duck walks into an optician's shop He says, "I'd like those sunglasses please". The clerk asks, "How would you like to pay for them?" The duck replies,

"Just put them on my bill."

A duck walks into a pharmacy... He says “Gimme a Chapstick and put it on my bill.”

Why was the duck arrested? He was caught selling quack.

Being a journalist in Russia is like being a duck in Duck Hunt. If they didn't get you,it's because they were getting someone else.

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a blonde, a duck and a horse walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "is this some kind of joke?"

Why can't you trust a duck with bomb defusal? They quack under pressure.

A man walks into his house... A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you.

How did the duck ruin his life? Quack-cocaine.

A girl goes into a bar A women goes into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. “Get that pig out of here!” Yells the bartender. “That’s not a pig, stupid,” she replies, it’s a duck! “I know says the bartender, I was talking to the duck

What did the sub atomic duck say to the other sub atomic ducks? Quark

My girlfriend is mad at me ... Because I beat her in Duck Hunt.

Why did the duck get arrested? He was selling "quack".

What does a duck and a tricycle have in common? They both have handlebars except the duck.

Why was the duck arrested? Cuz it was selling Quack

So I said, "As a matter of fact I do. Why does... Donald Duck Duck walk around all day with no pants on, but after he takes a shower he puts a towel around his waist?" And the waiter said, "No I meant do you have any questions about our menu."

What did the particle physicist duck say? Quark.

What can a goose do that a duck can't but a lawyer should? Stick it's bill up it's arse

Dad: what mouse walks on 2 feet? Me:
Dad: Mickey Mouse
Dad: What duck walks on 2 feet?
Me: Donald Duck?
Dad: All ducks, dumbass

What do you called a duck that’s a drug addict A Quack Head

How to turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

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Long Duck Jokes

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven......

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly. Sorry about that.” says the barman, as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just, we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck, and wants to learn more. But takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays up, bids the barman a good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous!” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

“Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus.” says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right.” replies the barman.

"The circus??” the duck asks again "...with, the big tent?”

"Yeah.” the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck.

"Of course.” the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right.” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says… "What the f\*\*k would they want with a plasterer?!?!”

Three men find themselves at the pearly gates...

The men walk up to the gate and St. Peter greets them and says,

“You have made it to heaven, now all you have to do is pass the test to see what your fate will be.”

“What is the test?”
One man replied.

Peter says,
“You must walk through the room of ducks. If you are able to make it to the other side with out stepping on a duck you will be paired with most beautiful woman in the world for all eternity.”

The men start rejoicing, but Peter stops them and warns,

“BUT If you step on a duck you will be paired with the ugliest woman in the world for all eternity.”

The first man enters the room with confidence. He makes it only about half way and steps on a duck.

Peter says,
“You have failed. You will be paired with the ugliest woman in the world for all eternity.”

The second man says,
“I can do this! Step aside.”

The man makes it almost all the way through, but unfortunately steps on a duck just short of victory.

Peter says to the man,
“You have failed. You will be paired with the second ugliest woman in the world for all eternity.”

The last man is hesitant to enter the room, but he eventually makes it all the way through with out stepping on a single duck.

Peter exclaims,
“You have made it! You will be paired for the most beautiful woman in the world for all eternity!”

The man is suddenly transported beside the woman.

He turns to the woman and asks,
“How did you get here?”

She replies, “I don’t know, but I stepped on a duck.”

3 Men die and go to Heaven.... And there are ducks everywhere

Saint Peter's there like "one rule: don't step on any ducks"

The first man steps on one duck and Saint Peter's brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will be chained to this ugly girl for eternity!!!"

The second man doesn't step on a duck for 3 days but once he does Saint Peter's also brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will also be chained with an ugly girl for eternity!!!"

The third man has seen enough and months he tries his best not to step on a duck and tries to be as cautious as possible. After a year in Heaven Saint Peter's brings a pretty girl and he is chained with her for eternity.

Third man: How did I ever get chained with a pretty girl like you for eternity?
Pretty girl: I don't know but I stepped on a duck...

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk "I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me, a lot of money; consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, "the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhhh, they're getting closer!"

This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."

Three girls die and go to heaven...

They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’,
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you order?’

The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise’

‘Ah! So sorry,’ says the waiter, ‘I bring you Peeking Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

.....As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

A duck walks into a bar and asks...

"Hello Bartender, might you happen to have any of those delightful crimson seedless grapes?"

"Sorry sir, I know how much you enjoy them. We should have more by tomorrow. We do however have some fresh Kyoho grapes imported from Japan."

"Ah, I see," says the duck, crestfallen. "Well at any rate those shall suffice."

The bartender presents the grapes on an oriental laquerware serving dish. The duck proceeds to peel back the bitter skin and eat the sweet fruit underneath.

Upon finishing his fruits, the duck asks, "Say friend, might you happen to have any nails?"

"Nails? That's an odd request to a barman. Sorry I'm afraid not."

"Odd indeed. I only ask because I have some hired help doing some restoration work on my heirloom veranda. They've just run out of nails. I just thought I'd ask on the off chance. Well I must be off now to the hardware store, but may I have a parcel of those grapes to go? The help will be parched from working under this hot sun and I suspect they might enjoy some fruit."

"Yes sir. Here you are." The bartender hands him the parcel. The bartender then asks, "Would you like the bill sir?"

"Oh Jeffrey you rapscallion," replies the duck, breaking into a lighthearted chuckle. They share the polite laughter of old acquaintances, as they both well know that the duck has been the owner of the establishment for quite some time since he purchased it from the former owners, who were far less hospitable.

A duck walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and requests 'A pint of beer and a pork pie please'

The barman is aghast. A talking duck! 'Wow, where did you come from?' he asks.

'I work across the road at the building site' replies the duck annoyed. He ruffles his newspaper and begins to read. The barman is in shock but lets his continue uninterrupted. The duck eats his food, pays and leaves.

All week the duck comes in and orders the same pint and a pork pie. The barman is amazed, but can't bring himself to interrupt the duck during his meal.

Saturday rolls by and the duck doesn't come in - obviously not working at the building site on the weekend. However, the circus is in town and in walks the circus ringmaster for a pint.

The barman says to the ringmaster 'you won't believe what I've seen this week, a talking duck!'

'Wow! That's incredible' says the ringmaster.

'Yeah, he walks in every lunchtime for a pork pie and a pint - it's amazing'

'That is amazing' agrees the ringmaster. He hands the barman his card and says 'tell him to get in touch with me, I could have some work for a talking duck!'

So Monday rolls round as as expected, in walks the duck - who orders his pork pie and a pint as usual.

The barman sheepishly picks up the card and says 'sorry to disturb you, but a circus ringmaster walked in the other day and I mentioned you've been in all last week. He told me to give you this, he might have some work for you.'

The duck looks confused and studies the card perplexed.

'So, the circus?' says the duck.

'Yeah, he came in on Saturday' says the barman.

'Where they all live in tents, with a big top and its all canvas?'

'Yeah, that's right'

'Where, all the humans walk free, and the animals live in cages?'

'I guess so... yeah'

The duck studies the card intently and pulls a face.

'What do they want a plasterer for?'

A duck walks into a bar...

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: No mate, this is a bar

Duck: Got any bread ?

Barman: No I've told you, we don't have bread here!

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.

Duck: Got any nails?

Barman: No.

Duck: Got any bread?

Three men approached the gates of heaven...

Three men approached the gates of heaven where they were immediately greeted by Saint Peter. "Hello good sirs, and welcome to the Kingdom of God. In heaven we have but one rule: Do not step on a duck."

"I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?" questioned one of the men.

"Over the years, many misconceptions of heaven have arose. Yes, it's a pretty nice place. No, its not perfect, but its close. You see the only problem are the ducks. If you step on a duck it will begin to quack and then all the other ducks will begin to quack and its simply a nuisance for us all." Saint Peter replied.

The three men looked at each other, shrugged, and entered heaven. As far as the eye could see there were ducks everywhere. Almost immediately one of the men accidentally stepped on a duck. Just as Peter had said, the duck began to quack and then the ducks around him began an audible tidal wave of quacks.

Soon after the quacks had passed, Saint Peter approached the men in hand with a hag of a woman. Without a word, he shackled the hag to the man that stepped on the duck and left.

The other two men were careful not to step on a duck. Although they tried there best, one of them eventually stepped on a duck. The same phenomenon of before arose and Saint Peter arrived again with a huge amazonian woman. He shackled the woman to the man and left.

The final man treaded with care and spent many days and nights successfully stepping around the ducks. After a while, Saint Peter approached the man with a beautiful woman. He shackled the woman to the man and left without a word.

The man was so delighted he audibly said to himself, "What did I do to deserve this?"

The woman replied, "I don't know, but I stepped on a duck."

Three ducks got arrested and had to go to court

The first duck gets up on the stand, the judge says "Tell me your name and what you did wrong." The first duck says "my name is Quack, and I got busted for blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge says "Ok, you go to jail for 3 days."

The second duck gets on the stand and the judge asks the same thing. The duck says "My name is Quack Quack, and I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge sends him to jail for 3 days.

The third duck gets up on the stand and the judge says "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack?" The duck says "Nah, I'm Bubbles."

Three friends die and go to heaven...

When they get to the gate saint peter says, "Hi, welcome to heaven. You're going to have a great time. We only have one rule in heaven, and that is to never, ever, no matter what, step on a duck."

"Ducks?"

"Yes, if you do, you will receive a terrible punishment. You may enter."
So the friends enter heaven, and much to their suprise, there are ducks everywhere. Every square yard there were probably 2 ducks. The first friend takes the warning lightly and accidentally steps on a duck the first day, and as punishment the most hidiously ugly person gets put in front of him to look at for all of eternity. The person was like uglier than the mcpoyles, he/she (because the friend coudn't tell if it was a boy or a girl) was really really ugly.

So the second and third friends see this and say to themselves that they would never step on a duck. But sure enough the second friend steps on a duck in the third week and gets the same punishment as the first friend. So the third friend vows to never move, and only move if absolutely necessary,

After about 7 months a beautiful woman comes down from the sky, and I'm talking crazy hot, almost angelic. The third friend gets to look at her forever, and asks, "what could I have possibly done to deserve this?"

And she says, "I don't know but I stepped on a duck."

edit: made it into paragraphs

A duck walks into a bar...

And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.

The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"

The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."

A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"

The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."

"The price of doing business at the Vet's office"

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday....

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

So three ducks have to go to court

First duck walks in. Judge asks "What's your name?" The duck replies "Quack, sir." So the judge continues "OK, what'd you do?" And the duck responds "I was blowing bubbles in the pond." "50 dollar fine, you may go."

Next duck walks in. "OK, what's your name?" "Quack Quack sir." "OK, and what'd you do?" The duck also responds "I was blowing bubbles in the pond." "50 dollar fine, same as the last one. You may go."

Last duck walks in. The judge peers over his glasses as him, and says "Don't tell me. Your name is Quack Quack Quack." And the duck replies "No. I'm Bubbles."

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