Fruit Jokes

Contents

Funniest Fruit Jokes

Funny Fruit Jokes

A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money. It was a strobbery.

A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are disgusting!" I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer."

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting. I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

I was reading through the ingredients for a fruit salad I'm making today It said: "Pineapples: five cubed."

I'm not sure though, 125 will probably be too many.

A guy walks into a bar and orders fruit punch The bartender says, "Pal, If you want punch, you'll have to go stand in line."

The guys looks around, but there is no punch line.

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch Bartender says
“Man if you want punch you have to stand in line.” Guy looks around but there is no punchline

What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear? Fruit of the tomb

[Offensive] What do you get when you cross a bowl of fruit and the holocaust? Orange Jews from concentrate

What did fruit loops say when launching their product to compete with cheerios? Toucan play at that game

What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable? One likes men and the other is disabled.

EDIT 2: I apologise if this offends some people. In 2017, you cannot be too careful.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... An orange a day keeps the plumber away...

Basically if you throw fruit at people they go away.

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch Bartender says "Dude, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line."

Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

Guy walks into a bar Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line"
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

A vegan said to me: People who sell meat are gross. I replied: People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

Magician: and now for my final trick! I will disappear! Then he grabs a pear and says: you're the worst fruit ever!

A vegan once told me..... A vegan once told me that eating meat was gross..... I then replied a man who sells fruit and vegetables is grocer.

I have an addiction to snorting powdered fruit drink mix... Anybody got a punch line?

What is the favourite fruit of feminists? Mangoes.

In North Korea, you cannot throw fruit in the snow... Because they do not have the right to freeze peach.

A group of vegan activists told me that people who sell meat are gross I told them people who sell fruit & veg are grocer

My dad always thought I wasn't man enough to become a fruit farmer... ... I proved him wrong by growing a pear.

I would never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That’s just nuts!

Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie. One's a soft, hairy fruit and the other's a Kiwi!

The thing about people with fruit fetishes... Is that they usually come in pears

What do you call a fruit that isn't allowed to marry? A cantelope

Why couldn't the fruit get married? They cantaloupe

Why are fruit rapists seldom found alone? They come in pears

A chicken walks in to a bar... A chicken walks in to a bar. The bartender says, "What'll be, chicken?"
The chicken says, "I'd like a nice pale ale with some type of a fruit flavor."
The bartender says, "You want the bar across the road."

What kind of books do fruit read? Pulp Fiction

What kind of fruit isn't allowed to get married? A cantaloupe.

What kind of fruit can't get married? A Cantleope

Why does fruit dislike being preserved? The process is jarring.

What type of underwear does a fetus wear? Fruit of the womb.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana... and butterflies like margarine.

Did you guys hear about the person who had his fruit basket stolen? He was left peachless!!!

Ana is no longer allowed to the fruit market. Banana.

World hunger is getting ridiculous There's more fruit in my shampoo than an African village

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fruit salad.

What type of fruit are you most likely to find in North Carolina? Cantaloupe!

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New Fruit Jokes

My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice. She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.

Which fruit is the most pessimistic? The cantaloupe

They say time flies like an arrow... I guess fruit flies like a banana.

Don’t make fun of the short guy hanging his still-life pictures That’s just low hanging fruit

An emo and a fruit both fall from a tree. Who reaches the ground first? The fruit, because the rope stopped the emo.

What's it called when you share your fruit snacks? Welch Redistribution.

My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine. So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever

"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied. "You need a bandana, not a banana!"

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.

My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she Sangria then ever.

What fruit always feels depressed? A blue-berry

What brand of clothing do pirates prefer? Fruit of Doubloon.

What fruit has seven dents. Snow whites cherry.

I've just turned down a job delivering for my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables, but the celery was unacceptable.

I don't like my job at the fruit beverages factory. But I got juiced to it.

How do you turn a fruit in to a vegetable? Push him down the stairs.

Why are you so afraid to be a fruit farmer? Just grow a pear

I never called you stupid. But when I asked you to spell "orange" and you asked whether it's the fruit or the colour, it kinda caught me off guard I'm just saying you have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him? Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.

A man got arrested for selling tropical fruit on the side of the road As I was walking by I told the police
“Hey that man is just trying to make a living. Let that mango”

I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said "tell him a fruit joke..." And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango.

So I'm at Costa Coffee at the service area and I order a latte and I pick up a slab of fruit cake, and I say to the check-out lady "Sorry, I only have a £20 note".

And she says "You'll have to put the cake back then love."

What is the most popular fruit in China? Mandarin oranges

I just turned down a job at my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables The celery was unacceptable

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? Break his legs.

Why is fruit squash banned in Germany? They have a bad history with concentrated juice

The truth flies straight like an arrow Fruit flies like bananas

Why didn't the apple and orange get married? Because fruit cantaloupe.

A man walked by a stand giving away free samples of fruit punch. He saw that the line was too long so he came back an hour later and guess what he saw! There’s no punchline

What fruit is part of the American military? A Naval Orange!!

Sorry if this is a repost, I didn’t check first.

Either Chewbacca is in the next cubicle or someone needs to start adding fruit to their diet!

Why did the fruit have a public wedding? They cantaloupe.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like an apple.

If tomatoes are a fruit Then ketchup is a smoothie.

Told by my 9 year old son. Thought it was funny. Maybe more of a shower thought.

Smoothie bar A smoothie bar serving combined fruit and vegetable smoothies has been linked to bouts of depression and suicide.

Their ' Melon - Cauli ' smoothie has now been withdrawn.

I grow and sell fruit to Catholic churches across the country. I mass produce mass produce.

My brothers and I were sitting around making up jokes about fruit. Here is mine:

What fruit is dyslexic and asks to do things?










A persimmon.

What do you call an apple near your foot? Fruit by the Foot

(Coworkers loved this joke. And none had heard it before, so im pretty sure its OC)

My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation. We now sell smoothies.

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States They call it the Im-peached orange.

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Long Fruit Jokes

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "

The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author"

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

*"It's a date."*

A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer.

Edit: sorry I didn't give credit at the time I wasn't sure if I was meant to or not, anyway's someone kindly posted the link in the comments for anyone interested :)

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

John dies and passes on to the afterlife...

He comes to, looks around and finds himself in what looks like the dirtiest alley of the world's worst urban center. As he's trying to come to terms with what's happening he hears a voice say, "Hey there old friend, fancy meeting you here."


John looks up and sees his old friend Jack! "Jack, how is this possible? I though you died in a car wreck almost five years ago..."


Jack replies, "I did, and it looks like you died too. Come on, let's get you some food and I'll explain everything." Jack leads John to what looks like a soup kitchen, inside is full of people waiting patiently in two lines. In one line they are grabbing bowls of soup and in the other they are taking cups of fruit punch.


The pair take some soup and fruit punch and Jack explains to John that this is the afterlife. He tells John that the afterlife is divided into multiple circles and that the way to move up is to save enough money. Currently they're in the lowest circle. It costs ten thousand dollars for a ticket to the next one. Jack then goes on to tell how he was actually on his way to buy his ticket as he found John.


"Now John... It'll be tempting to spend some money making you time here more comfortable, but I promise that if you do that, you'll never make it out of here."


With that final warning Jack bids John farewell with a promise to see each other on the other side.


Soon after John lands a job picking trash out of alleys and after five years of hard toil saves up ten thousand dollars. He purchases his ticket and heads through the gate to the next circle.


On the other side he is greeted by white picket fence and cookie cutter ranch houses, the trappings of middle class suburbia.


A familiar voice flags him down, "John old friend! It's so good to see you!" Sure enough it's Jack. The two decide to catch up over lunch. They head to what looks like a back yard barbecue, there are once again two lines of people. One for hotdogs, hamburgers and the like and the other for fruit punch.



The two take their food and sit beneath a tree, catching up. "I'm so glad you made it John, but don't get complacent now. It's a hundred thousand dollars for the next circle... As a matter of fact I'm on my way there now. Good luck, and don't forget my warning from last time."


The two part and soon after John gets a job driving a garbage truck. It's a long time but eventually after ten years he saves up enough.


John buys his ticket and heads through the gate. Before him lies an exquisite gated community. Mansions dot the landscape, complete with tennis courts, swimming pools and any other commodity you could imagine.


Much like last time a familiar voice hails him.


"John! I was worried you wouldn't ever make it! Let's grab some food and catch up."


The two head over to an extravagant banquet hall. As before there are two lines, one for all the most lavish foods John's ever seen: caviar, roast pheasant, braised swan to name a few. The other line is quite simply fruit punch.


They take their food and sit at one of the many tables. Jack informs John that he could stay here if he wished, bit if he could save up one million dollars he would gain entry to the final circle, the closest thing to his notion of heaven in this afterlife.


Once again, Jack bids John farewell, as he's already got his ticket.


After the meal and much deliberation John decides to follow in his friend's footsteps.


John gets a job as a supervisor for regional waste management and after twenty more long years of work saves up one million dollars.


He buys his ticket and steps through a gleaming Golden gate. On the other side people are walking down a golden street in naught but pure white robes, whose look and feel reminded John of clouds.


Looking down John notices he's wearing the same, and that all of his aches, worries, and weariness has vanished.


Of course, waiting for him is his oldest friend Jack.


"Welcome, my dear friend. Let's grab a bite and catch up, one last time."


They head to a gilded ampitheater where the most heavenly ambrosia is being served. The smell reminded John of all his favorite foods, the scent of loves past and the whiff of treasured memories.


John pauses however, frowning. He turns to Jack and asks, "Where's the punchline?"


John replies, "There isn't one."

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

"On what grounds?"

"Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees."

"No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?"

"Yes, we have a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage."

^(getting exasperated) "Does he beat you up?"

"No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he doesn't get up until after I've left for work."

"WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

"We just can't seem to communicate."

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”

The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.

A duck walks into a bar and asks...

"Hello Bartender, might you happen to have any of those delightful crimson seedless grapes?"

"Sorry sir, I know how much you enjoy them. We should have more by tomorrow. We do however have some fresh Kyoho grapes imported from Japan."

"Ah, I see," says the duck, crestfallen. "Well at any rate those shall suffice."

The bartender presents the grapes on an oriental laquerware serving dish. The duck proceeds to peel back the bitter skin and eat the sweet fruit underneath.

Upon finishing his fruits, the duck asks, "Say friend, might you happen to have any nails?"

"Nails? That's an odd request to a barman. Sorry I'm afraid not."

"Odd indeed. I only ask because I have some hired help doing some restoration work on my heirloom veranda. They've just run out of nails. I just thought I'd ask on the off chance. Well I must be off now to the hardware store, but may I have a parcel of those grapes to go? The help will be parched from working under this hot sun and I suspect they might enjoy some fruit."

"Yes sir. Here you are." The bartender hands him the parcel. The bartender then asks, "Would you like the bill sir?"

"Oh Jeffrey you rapscallion," replies the duck, breaking into a lighthearted chuckle. They share the polite laughter of old acquaintances, as they both well know that the duck has been the owner of the establishment for quite some time since he purchased it from the former owners, who were far less hospitable.

Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to it, so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

A group of men end up stranded on an island full of cannibals...

They are taken up by the cannibals and say that they will give them certain tasks each day and if they do not complete the tasks, they will be killed and eaten.

The first day, the cannibals instruct the men to gather 10 of a fruit of their choice and afterwards they will give them further instructions from there.

The first man comes back with ten apples. The leader of the cannibals tell him to stick it up his butt without making noises or facial expressions. The man doesn't get through the first fruit without making a scream. He is then killed and eaten.

The next man comes forth with grapes. He is told the same thing. He gets through almost all of them when he starts laughing. He is then killed and eaten.

In the afterlife, the first man asks the second man why he started laughing. The second guy responds "I couldn't help it, the next guy came along with pineapples!"

"Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. "

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. She doesn't seem to hear what ever I tell her."

The doctor replies, "Oh, is that so? Well, let me try to help you. Just try this method when you get home today. Stand around 50 feet from her and ask her something. If she doesn't hear it, reduce the gap by 10 feet and so on till she can hear what you say."

The man satisfied with the reply, hurries home to try this little technique. He stands around 50 feet away from her, and shouts, "Hey honey, what's for dinner today?" He gets no response, so he moves closer and repeats the same question four more times till he's right next to her.

He asks the same question again and she says, "For heaven's sake, this is the fifth time I'm telling you, it's just fruit salad tonight!"

A collection of OC jokes!

Well I hope they're funny, anyway. The past few months I've been writing down anything that seems vaguely amusing to me. I imagine that some of them might be already-existing jokes without knowing it, but I hope you enjoy!

* I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down. In hindsight, I think it was a mist opportunity.
* What vegetable likes to wait around in lines? Queuecumbers
* What's a pensioner's favourite genre of music? Hip-op
* I decided to drink something from a scientist's test tube. It tasted vial.
* Why did the artist visit the bank? To draw some money.
* What's the best thing about walking through a friendly forest? All the pleasantrees
* I was going to make a joke about alcoholism, but I decided against it because I thought it'd be a bit too whiskey.
* how do you greet the world's cleanest woman? "Hi, Jean".
* I got kicked out of the wig shop because I didn't want toupee.
* I bought an album called "Sounds of the Railway", but I didn't like any of the tracks
* I tried to get into the Guinness Book of Records by smashing up music albums. I broke a lot of records.
* Why were there clouds at the theatre production? Because it had been over cast.
* I used to have a job testing the durability of trainers. You might think that sounds easy, but it was sole-destroying work...
* Did you hear about the fellow who went insane trying to clear his sinuses? He ended up in a menthol hospital
* I used to be obsessed with going to the bank. I'm trying to stop but I have withdrawal symptoms...
* Why did the eagle go to church? Because it's a bird of pray.
* Where do fish go to earn a degree? Tunaversity.
* Someone suggested I should grow my hair down the back of my head. I wasn't keen on the idea, but I told them I'd mullet over.
* I watched a movie documentary about the history of tea exports, it was rated PG tips.
* Who stands outside the toddler nightclub? Baby bouncers.
* I have a very special type of dog - it was cross-bred with a vegetable. It's a border cauliflower
* What happened to the last aftershave in the cupboard? It felt colognely
* What do you inject into a suit to make it look bigger? Bowtux.



Bonus jokes that I didn't think were very good but decided to include anyway!!!!

* I had a dinner cooked by Dr. Who. It tasted dalektable (like... delectable)
* What do you call a sour supervisor? A lime manager.
* What food keeps you warm on a cold day? Fajitas... (like uh, fa-heaters...)
* What's the funniest type of cereal? A muesli (like... amuse-li?)
* The Bow and Arrow is an excellent weapon, with one drawback.
* Gambling can be very dangerous, if roulette it take over your life.
* What do you call a boring, unoriginal piece of fruit? A banalna.
* What do you call a piece of fruit that doesn't really matter? Not applic-apple.

My Father-In-Law ,who is turning 90, told me this joke. I couldn't believe it.

A girl was picking fruit in an orchard. The fruit she wanted was so high up she need to climb a ladder to get it. Because the ladder was not steady she asked a man if he would be a gentleman and brace the ladder while she climbed it, and he agreed. When she made it to the top she looked down and the man was looking up her skirt. She shouted to him "I thought you were a gentleman!" The man responded "And I thought you were a blonde!"

A Mother superior and two novices were killed in a bus crash.

They soon found themselves at the pearly gates. St. Peter greeted all three.

"Welcome sisters, Mother superior. What a great honor to have you here." he said. Then a little more softly, he said.

"Unfortunately, we've had a few people slipping into heaven disguised as nuns. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you some skill testing questions."

The first novice stepped up bravely and said

"Ask your question St. Peter. I'm not afraid."

"Well then" St. Peter said. "Who were the first man and woman and where did they live?"

The novice's face brightened.

"Oh that's easy St. Peter! Their names were Adam and Eve and they lived in the garden of Eden."

"Correct!" St. Peter said. Then he pressed the buzzer on his lectern and opened the pearly gates.

The second novice stepped up.

"Ask your question St. Peter, I'm not afraid." She said.

"Well" St. Peter asked. " What were Adam and Eve forbidden to do?"

The Novice smiled.

"Oh, that's easy St. Peter! They were forbidden to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge."

"Right again!" Said St. Peter, and buzzed her in.

The mother superior stepped up.

"You've been in the game a bit longer, Mother Superior" St. Peter said. "So your question is a little more challenging. What is the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"

The Mother Superior stood there frowning in concentration.

"Gee, that's a hard one!" she said finally.

"Correct again!" Said St. Peter, and buzzed her in.

An old couple go shopping...

... At the grocery store. The wife continuously nags the husband about the cost of all the things he wants to buy and he grumbles back at her. When they get to the canned fruit aisle she looks at a can of peaches and exclaims "that's ridiculous!" at the price. Looking both ways, she slips it into her purse.

After they leave the store a police officer stops them, informing her she was seen stealing the peaches on video. When she gets to court to answer for her crime the judge says, "this kind of petty theft is unacceptable and becoming more common. I'm afraid I need to make a lesson of you." He looks at her carefully. "How many peaches are in the can you stole?"

"Seven" she replied.

"Very well. I am sentencing you to seven days in jail."

Just then the husband piped up. "Uh, your honor?"

"Yes?"

"I should probably tell you she also stole a can of peas."

Three men are stranded on a remote island and get captured by cannibals

The chief tells the three men, "Tonight, you will be killed. However, you have one chance to save yourselves. Go now into the woods and gather ten of whatever fruit you find, then bring it back here." The three men go off into the woods. The first man returns some time later with 10 apples. The chief says, "Very good. Now, for us to spare your life, you must shove all ten apples up your butt without making a single sound. If you succeed, you will be free. If you fail, we eat you." The man agrees and is working on the third apple when he winces, and he is promptly killed. A little while later, the second man appears with ten small berries and is told the same thing. He is nine berries in when he bursts out laughing, and he is promptly killed. The two men meet in heaven and the first man says "I was watching the whole thing from up here, and you were so close! Why on earth did you start laughing?" The second man answers, "I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar.

the bartender asks, "what can I get you?"

The patron responds, "just a fruit punch for me, I'm driving"

The bartender says, "great, but you have to get in line."

The patron stops and looks around only to reply, "I don't see a punchline..."

A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job.

Eventually, he comes to a whorehouse with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window. He walks in the whorehouse and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here whorehouse, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do." "Like what?" Says the man. "Well, can you read?" "No." "Can you write?" "No." "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat," the manager gives him. The destitute man walks out of the whorehouse and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cartful of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!" Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the applecart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars.

Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story. "Well I can't do that," says the man. "Well why not?" "I can't read or write how do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you cant read or write? Think of where you'd be if you could!"
"Well I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a whorehouse"

First post, mobile, my boss told me this at work, etc.

Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.

I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza.

So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfecting my “authentic” ramen recipe.

Sure enough, there’s an even longer line there, only two packets per person. And there’s literally a whole aisle of shelves that’s just instant ramen, plastic wrap from the boxes is on the floor, and the person picking out their two packs is being very indecisive... there is a decent sized group waiting, so I head to the cleaning products aisle.

This is where it gets crazy. One store employee is tearing open bulk bags of toilet paper, giving one roll to each customer. And there is another employee putting Clorox wipes in baggies, 5 for a dollar. The aisle is packed, shopping carts clacking together. So I decide to just go get some Koolaid or fruit punch or whatever.

There is no punch line.

There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...

...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business. If only the Joke's punch line wasn't so long...

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