Hilarious Wine Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Wine Jokes

If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released UB40 now

Score: 12440

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

Score: 3448

Good ol'e USA 18: can I buy a bottle of wine?

USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible

18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?

USA: we encourage it

Score: 3001

Score: 2063

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.” The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”



The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

Score: 2030

What's the most popular red wine?? We want our land back!!

Score: 1366

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50% Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

Score: 1122

What does a grape say when you step on it? Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

Score: 986

What's the oldest red wine in America? "Give us back our land!"

Score: 577

Boss: Do you know why I called you in here? Me: Because I accidentally sent you a dic pic

Boss: (Stops pouring 2 glasses of wine)
Accidentally?

credit u/zarina300

Score: 565

I like my women like I like my wine 12 years old and locked in the basement

Edit:I like most things without dicks aswell

Score: 546

A toast Wife at the dinner table: Please toast some bread for me.
The lazy husband raised his wine glass and said, "To bread."

Score: 410

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine… So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…

Score: 382

My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine. I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"

Score: 328

At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

Score: 308

I like my women like I like my wine... Twelve years old and in the cellar.

Score: 257

My brother always gets mad when I mess with his red wine So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now he's sangria than ever...

Score: 250

Some young women are like bottles of wine They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.

Score: 241

Whats a horses favorite wine? Chardonneigh

Score: 223

My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread. "Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

Score: 190

I like my wine how I like my women 15 years old and locked in a basement

Score: 183

I like my women like I like my wine. 10 years old and in the cellar.

Score: 164

How do penguins open windows? They drink wine

Score: 125

The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows... It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...

Score: 117

I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed I went to bed 7 times last night

Score: 106

What does a grape say after it's stepped on? Nothing.. It just lets out a little wine

Score: 92

What kind of wine do horses drink? Chardonneigh.

Score: 89

What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Score: 83

I like my women like how I like my wine. 10 years old and locked in the cellar.

Score: 80

You know what makes the Antichrist a bad guy? He turns wine into water.

Score: 72

What happens when you step on a grape? It lets out a little wine.

Score: 57

I like my women how I like my wine 100 years old and locked in a cellar.

Score: 56

What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer? Wine

Score: 53

What did the grape say when it was crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Score: 49

What does an alcoholic do when he's out of beer? Wine

Score: 36

I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all... ...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

Score: 33

My taste in women is much like my taste in wine Right now i like them younger, sweeter, and prettier. As i age, i start to like them older, more bitter, and contributing to my alcoholism.

Score: 28

Did you hear about that old guy down the street? Apparently he likes his women how he likes his wine. 12 years old and in his basement

Score: 12

My body is like a temple... More like a Catholic church. Full of wine, bread, and guilt.

Score: 12

What did the grape say when he got stepped on? Nothing, he just let out a little wine...

Score: 11

New Wine Jokes

What do youcall radioactive rice wine? Naga *Saki.*

Score: 3

How much should you spend on a bottle of wine ? I don't know...maybe 15 minutes!!

Score: 2

How do you identify an alcoholic nun? Because of her Wine Habit

Score: 0

I can make light only using beer, vodka and wine. Don't believe me? I'll show you: BAM! Booze LED!

Score: 0

What do they call Bartels & James’ wine coolers in Mexico? Dos Okies

Score: 0

Cop to Irishman: Step out of the car, are you drunk? Irishman: Dint even touch alcohol mate, all night it's been just wine.

Score: 1

What do you call a rhino that drinks too much wine? An alcoholic obviously

Score: 1

A Customer Came In Needing To Turn On Water Service At Their New Address I Asked If They Had Tried Smooth Jazz And Wine Coolers.

Score: 1

What do you call a wine infused with spicy peppers? Jalapinot

Score: 5

A wine aficionado/part time EMT gets invited to a dinner party... While the bottle of red was passed out, he shouts "Everybody get back! OK, now let it breathe a little."

Score: 1

What was Homer's favorite letter? Wine-dark C.

Score: 2

I saw my friend sat on the deck drinking some wine. "Hey, buddy!" I shouted. "You're ruining my cards."

Score: 1

An SEO Expert Walks Into a Bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whisky,

Score: 1

A cigarette is safer than a bottle of wine. If you don't believe me, let me hit you on the head with a cigarette.

Score: 11

What do you call wine made of broken glass? Shardonnay.

Score: 7

What sound do grapes make when you crush them? The let out a little wine.

Score: 1

A reposted joke is like fancy cheese. Both are usually accompanied by a good wine.

Score: 3

Can I think of any red wine puns? You bet Shiraz I can.

Score: 7

I wrote a book about my favourite place to store wine. It was a bestcellar.

Score: 6

I like my women like I like my wine. Twelve years old and in my basement.

(Joke was told to me by my cousin)

Score: 9

I think the phrase, "My body is a temple" is completely untrue... I don't know about other people, but my body is like a Catholic Church It's full of wine, bread and guilt.

Score: 6

Wine storage Why is wine storage so expensive?
It's a cellar's market

Score: 1

I like my wine like I like my medieval cities. Fortified.

Score: 5

What is a horse's favorite wine? Chardoneigh

Score: 5

A man walks into a bar in Ancient Rome The bartender asks him how many bottles of wine he wants and he holds up a peace sign. The bartender brings him five bottles.

Score: 4

Which lasts longer? ...a White House Communications Director or a Wine Gum?

Score: 2

What do you call it when you brew a batch of wine too early? Statutory Grape.

Score: 1

I like my women how I like my wine, 9 years old and locked in the basement.

Score: 1

How to make Gnu/Linux run Photoshop? You serve it WINE.

Score: 2

A truck carrying olive oil crashed into a truck carrying red wine vinegar, inside a nudist camp First responders reported that everyone nearby was well dressed

Score: 9

Did y'all hear about the wine Uber started making? It's kinda like a cab but not quite.

Score: 3

What did the ISIS member yell at his wife when he caught her drinking wine? Zinfandel!!!

Score: 2

What's the most popular red wine in America? "Give us our land back!"

Score: 4

It's Wine Day It's National Wine Day. Not National Whine Day, as I came to realize after receiving dozens of nasty looks throughout the day

Score: 2

What did the grape say when he was stepped on? Nothing. He just let out a little wine.

Score: 7

My family is like wine... Locked up in a barrel in the cellar

Score: 3

Why does grape juice smell like pig? Because it's wine

Score: 3

I like my girls just like I like my wine. 15 years old

Score: 4

I knocked a guy over with a bottle of sparkling wine. It required some Brut force.

Score: 2

Why couldn't the priest turn wine into blood Conservation of Mass

Score: 3

I like my wine like my women 11 years old and locked up in my cellar

Score: 3

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness Just get on your knees, take a swig of wine and accept the body of a man into your mouth

Score: 6

What is a horse's favorite wine? Chardon-neigh.

Score: 1

I Like women like I like my wine, 5 Years old in my basement.

Score: 6

Great wine is like great jazz... It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same.

Score: 5

René Descartes is sitting in a restaraunt when the waiter approaches and asks "Would you like some wine?"

"I think not" said Descartes.

Then he ceases to exist.

Score: 8

I like my women like I like my wine. In my basement and unaware they're being watched.

Score: 3

18:- can I buy a bottle of wine? Government :- No, that's illegal and irresponsible.

18:- Can I go $40,000 into debt for education??

Government :- we encourage it.

Score: 2

What did the grape say when it got squashed? Nothing; it just let out a little wine.

Score: 8

Women are like grapes. Some age like fine wine.
Some age like raisins.

Score: 1

What do you call a wine loving horse? Chardon-neigh.

Score: 7

Did you hear Apple is going into the wine business? Their vineyard will produce every varietal of wine... except ports.

Score: 2

I like my wine how I like my women Perfectly aged with a full body.

Score: 4

I love you my friends and that's not just the beer talking. It's from the bottom of my bottle of wine too.

Score: 3

Heard about the new Indian wine? "We want our laaaand back"

Score: 2

"What wine do you have at this restaurant that you would recommend for an arts student?" "Vodka. The cheapest brand. And show me the money in advance."

Score: 2

Fine wine I like my women like I like my wine, 9 years old and in my basement

Score: 2

I like my women like I like my wine... 18 years old and locked in my basement

Score: 5

Do you want to know a good Jewish wine? Ma, when are we going to Miami?

Score: 2

A Frenchman, a German, and A Jew are stranded in the dessert... the frenchman says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have wine
the german says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have beer
the jew says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have diabetes

Score: 2