Wine Jokes

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Funniest Wine Jokes

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

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Funny Wine Jokes
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A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.” The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

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The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

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If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50% Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

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What's the oldest red wine in America? "Give us back our land!"

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I like my women like I like my wine 12 years old and locked in the basement

Edit:I like most things without dicks aswell

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A toast Wife at the dinner table: Please toast some bread for me.
The lazy husband raised his wine glass and said, "To bread."

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If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

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At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

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Studies find if a woman has a glass of wine a day increases the chances of a stroke. If you let her have more she might suck it too.

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My brother always gets mad when I mess with his red wine So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now he's sangria than ever...

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Some young women are like bottles of wine They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.

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I like my wine how I like my women 15 years old and locked in a basement

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How do penguins open windows? They drink wine

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The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows... It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...

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I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed I went to bed 7 times last night

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What does a grape say after it's stepped on? Nothing.. It just lets out a little wine

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What kind of wine do horses drink? Chardonneigh.

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You know what makes the Antichrist a bad guy? He turns wine into water.

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I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or swallow?" I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.

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I like my women like I like my wine Eight years old and locked up in a cellar

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I like my women how I like my wine 100 years old and locked in a cellar.

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How are cats like empty wine bottles? I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.

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My wife phoned me in a panic. She said, "How do you get wine out of the carpet?!" "No idea," I replied. "I usually get mine out of the fridge."

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What does a grape say when it gets stepped on? Nothing, it just lets out a little wine :)

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I like my wine like I like my women. 10 years old and locked in a wooden crate in my basement.

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What's the difference between a prostitute and a bottle of wine? The older a bottle of wine is, the more you have to pay for it.

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At this time of the year.... ....there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.




And that's why I'm no longer a fireman...

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I like my women like I like my wine 56 years old and in my cellar.

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What Austrian girls and wine have in common? Both mature in a cellar.

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What do you call a wine convention in upstate New York? The Lake Champlain Champagne Campaign

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What do you call a basement full of redditors? A wine cellar.

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My taste in women is much like my taste in wine Right now i like them younger, sweeter, and prettier. As i age, i start to like them older, more bitter, and contributing to my alcoholism.

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Medical fact If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well!

haw haw haw

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What kind of wine do horses drink? Caberneigh

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What's the worst thing about alcoholics? They wine too much.

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What sound does a grape make when you step on it? Just a little wine

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My girfrliend said "I love you." I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She said "It's me, talking to the wine."

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Thanks, I'm here all week. Two shows nightly.

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At a young age I realised I was allergic to communion wine It would always make me sleepy and I’d wake up with a sore arse

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Why does the Antichrist have trouble getting drunk? Because his wine always turns into water.

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What kind of wine comes in a Box? Cardbordeaux

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New Wine Jokes

I'm at a fancy party... When one of the guests spills club soda on his collared white shirt.

Always wanting to be helpful I suggest, "a little red wine will get that right out."

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Roses are red, so is wine I'll be the 6 you'll be the 9

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What’s a computers favourite type of wine Port

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A couple is sitting in the living room sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, "I love you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" asks the husband.

"It's me," says the wife. "Talking to the wine."

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I met a wine maker that wouldn’t give my money back when I told him he’d given me the wrong vintage. It was the vintner of my discontent

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Wine A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you!”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”

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Good friends are like fine wine That's why I keep mine locked in the cellar.

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A Coronavirus sketch I just watched on tv: A couple struggling to survive being cooped up at home are feeling a bit better as they finish off their fourth glass of wine for each. And the wife says "Well we made it to 10 am."

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A little joke The math teacher says to Toto , a bottle of wine costs 20$ ; how much is 12 bottles ?

Toto stops to think for a moment and says : Mmm here at home it's around 3 days .

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I started a new diet, All I had was toast this morning. I had 2 glasses of wine and congratulated myself on the progress.

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What is a cannibal's favorite wine grape? Chardonner

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My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she Sangria then ever.

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A husband and wife are eating at a restaurant The wife spills a bit of wine on her white top, and exclaims, "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

The husband turns away from the TVs, nods, and says, "And you spilled some wine!"

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What is the difference between the Roman Catholic Church and the Russian Orthodox Church? The Roman Catholics drink Holy Wine while the Russian Orthodox drink Holy Vodka.

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Why did the vegans go to the wine and cheese event Because they wanted to wine about the cheese

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What's the difference between priest and wine lover? Wine lover likes when its older

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What do you call a basement full of journeymen? A wine cellar.

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Little Johnny is in math class The teacher asks him :
- Walmart sells two dozen bottles of wine at $2 a bottle, how much is that ?

- At home, it's about four days ma'am!

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Does anyone know what this Japanese rice wine is called? I can't remember the name, for Heaven's sake.

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Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously All they do is cheese and wine

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Working From Home Working from is not so bad. I’m starting to get the hang of it. I can work in my pajamas, have a glass of wine with my lunch, and have my lunch at 9am.

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When I get old I prefer the Parkinson over Alzheimer I prefer Parkinson's .. Alzheimer's I will forget my bottle of wine .. and Parkinson's I will only lose half the drink.

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My son is taking part in a political social experiment... He has to wear a Bernie 2020 t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far he's be spit on, punched and had a wine bottle thrown at him!



I am curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

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I gave a wine bottle to a really hot girl yesterday I should have probably given her a bottle of water because the wine didn't help with the fire.

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1 in 10 housewives enjoy wine in the bath.. The other 9 wanted to know how I got in !!

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It only takes one glass of wine to put me under... Sometimes it’s the 6th one, sometimes the 7th,

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A DOCTOR says to his patient: “Your liver results are surprising considering I only allow you one glass of wine a week.”

The patient shrugs and says: “Do you really think you are the only doctor I am going to?”

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How do you identify an alcoholic nun? Because of her Wine Habit

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A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.” The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

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I like my woman like i like my wine 12 year olds in my basement

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I thought drinking more wine would help me improve my French. My efforts were all in vin.

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Went to a really fancy restaurant last night. The water waiter came out and gave me water. The coffee waiter gave me coffee. The wine waiter gave me wine... I was really happy when the head waiter came out!

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So my doctor told me a glass of wine a day is good for you Good thing I have 4 doctors

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What do they call Bartels & James’ wine coolers in Mexico? Dos Okies

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[OC] Did you read the book about Manhattan's fanciest wine room? It's a New York Times best-cellar!

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What did the grape say when it was pinched? Nothing, it just let out a little wine

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Wedding anniversary last night... ...so thought Chinese and bottle of wine - pretty standard. Got to the chinese to pick up my order and they poured it into a bag .. apparently Chinese don't come in containers anymore

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If you were 4 when the song red red wine released. Ub40 now

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Husband and wife are having a romantic dinner Wife: I love you so much! I can't live without you!
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It's me... talking to the wine.

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The most expensive part of having kids? all the wine you have to drink

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What’s the difference between a French wine and a Brazilian wine? Not much but the Brazilian wine has better legs.

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Have you guys tried out the new Mexican white wine yet? It’s a Pinot Gringo

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Getting older Things change when you get older. You know, I used to butt-chug Natty light to get shitfaced. Now I butt-chug red wine for the antioxidants.

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Good friends are like sweet wine I keep both locked up in the cellar

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Mrs Cee never drinks while on job, yet last week she was fired Apparently she was a terrible wine tester

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I like to cook with wine Some times I even add it to the food

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I stepped on a grape, won’t lie it made me a little sad. When It gave out a little wine

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How does Jaws unwind at the end of a long day? With a glass of shark-donnay. It’s a great white wine

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I just joined a new wine appreciation society. We meet in the park at 9am most days.

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Three paedophiles walk into a bar... To buy red wine to do mass with.

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I like my women like I like my wine A couple years old and locked up in a cellar

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Another bar joke Sharon, Karen, and Brenda walk In to a bar.
One asks for the manager. One is the manager. The other brought her service dog. How many gallons of box wine can they drink as a team?

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I prefer my wine like I do my women Locked in a cellar for 20 years and sold for the highest bidder.

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I got a bottle of wine for my mother-in-law It was a great trade.

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What's the difference between a grape and a woman? They both wine

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Women age like fine wine They're only good for cooking after a while

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Rich people can have 5 cups of wine at lunch and they're all good But when I get vodka for lunch, I'm "fired" and a "bad example for the students"

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I like my women same as i like my wine Stocked in basement for 10 years.

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A Customer Came In Needing To Turn On Water Service At Their New Address I Asked If They Had Tried Smooth Jazz And Wine Coolers.

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What did the MMA caster say when some wine spilt on him IT IS ALL OVER me

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What do you call a wine infused with spicy peppers? Jalapinot

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