My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50% Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.
I like my women like I like my wine
12 years old and locked in the basement
Edit:I like most things without dicks aswell
Wife at the dinner table: Please toast some bread for me.
The lazy husband raised his wine glass and said, "To bread."
If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.
At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.
Studies find if a woman has a glass of wine a day increases the chances of a stroke. If you let her have more she might suck it too.
My brother always gets mad when I mess with his red wine So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now he's sangria than ever...
Some young women are like bottles of wine They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows... It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...
I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed I went to bed 7 times last night
I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or swallow?" I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.
My wife phoned me in a panic. She said, "How do you get wine out of the carpet?!" "No idea," I replied. "I usually get mine out of the fridge."
I like my wine like I like my women. 10 years old and locked in a wooden crate in my basement.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a bottle of wine? The older a bottle of wine is, the more you have to pay for it.
At this time of the year....
....there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.
And that's why I'm no longer a fireman...
What do you call a wine convention in upstate New York? The Lake Champlain Champagne Campaign
My taste in women is much like my taste in wine Right now i like them younger, sweeter, and prettier. As i age, i start to like them older, more bitter, and contributing to my alcoholism.
If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chance of a stroke.
If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well!
haw haw haw
My girfrliend said "I love you."
I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She said "It's me, talking to the wine."
Thanks, I'm here all week. Two shows nightly.
At a young age I realised I was allergic to communion wine It would always make me sleepy and I’d wake up with a sore arse
A couple is sitting in the living room sipping wine.
Out of the blue, the wife says, "I love you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" asks the husband.
"It's me," says the wife. "Talking to the wine."
I met a wine maker that wouldn’t give my money back when I told him he’d given me the wrong vintage. It was the vintner of my discontent
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you!”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.
“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”
A Coronavirus sketch I just watched on tv: A couple struggling to survive being cooped up at home are feeling a bit better as they finish off their fourth glass of wine for each. And the wife says "Well we made it to 10 am."
I started a new diet, All I had was toast this morning. I had 2 glasses of wine and congratulated myself on the progress.
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she Sangria then ever.
A husband and wife are eating at a restaurant
The wife spills a bit of wine on her white top, and exclaims, "Oh no, I look like a pig!"
The husband turns away from the TVs, nods, and says, "And you spilled some wine!"
What is the difference between the Roman Catholic Church and the Russian Orthodox Church? The Roman Catholics drink Holy Wine while the Russian Orthodox drink Holy Vodka.
Why did the vegans go to the wine and cheese event Because they wanted to wine about the cheese
Little Johnny is in math class
The teacher asks him :
- Walmart sells two dozen bottles of wine at $2 a bottle, how much is that ?
- At home, it's about four days ma'am!
Does anyone know what this Japanese rice wine is called? I can't remember the name, for Heaven's sake.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously All they do is cheese and wine
Working From Home Working from is not so bad. I’m starting to get the hang of it. I can work in my pajamas, have a glass of wine with my lunch, and have my lunch at 9am.
When I get old I prefer the Parkinson over Alzheimer I prefer Parkinson's .. Alzheimer's I will forget my bottle of wine .. and Parkinson's I will only lose half the drink.
My son is taking part in a political social experiment...
He has to wear a Bernie 2020 t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far he's be spit on, punched and had a wine bottle thrown at him!
I am curious to see what happens when he goes outside.
I gave a wine bottle to a really hot girl yesterday I should have probably given her a bottle of water because the wine didn't help with the fire.
It only takes one glass of wine to put me under... Sometimes it’s the 6th one, sometimes the 7th,
A DOCTOR says to his patient:
“Your liver results are surprising considering I only allow you one glass of wine a week.”
The patient shrugs and says: “Do you really think you are the only doctor I am going to?”
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine.
The wife says, “I love you.” The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
Went to a really fancy restaurant last night. The water waiter came out and gave me water. The coffee waiter gave me coffee. The wine waiter gave me wine... I was really happy when the head waiter came out!
Wedding anniversary last night... ...so thought Chinese and bottle of wine - pretty standard. Got to the chinese to pick up my order and they poured it into a bag .. apparently Chinese don't come in containers anymore
Husband and wife are having a romantic dinner
Wife: I love you so much! I can't live without you!
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It's me... talking to the wine.
What’s the difference between a French wine and a Brazilian wine? Not much but the Brazilian wine has better legs.
Getting older Things change when you get older. You know, I used to butt-chug Natty light to get shitfaced. Now I butt-chug red wine for the antioxidants.