Hilarious Wine Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Wine Jokes

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.” The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”



The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50% Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

What's the oldest red wine in America? "Give us back our land!"

I like my women like I like my wine 12 years old and locked in the basement

Edit:I like most things without dicks aswell

A toast Wife at the dinner table: Please toast some bread for me.
The lazy husband raised his wine glass and said, "To bread."

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

Studies find if a woman has a glass of wine a day increases the chances of a stroke. If you let her have more she might suck it too.

My brother always gets mad when I mess with his red wine So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now he's sangria than ever...

Some young women are like bottles of wine They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.

I like my wine how I like my women 15 years old and locked in a basement

How do penguins open windows? They drink wine

The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows... It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...

I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed I went to bed 7 times last night

What does a grape say after it's stepped on? Nothing.. It just lets out a little wine

What kind of wine do horses drink? Chardonneigh.

You know what makes the Antichrist a bad guy? He turns wine into water.

I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or swallow?" I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.

I like my women like I like my wine Eight years old and locked up in a cellar

I like my women how I like my wine 100 years old and locked in a cellar.

How are cats like empty wine bottles? I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.

My wife phoned me in a panic. She said, "How do you get wine out of the carpet?!" "No idea," I replied. "I usually get mine out of the fridge."

What does a grape say when it gets stepped on? Nothing, it just lets out a little wine :)

I like my wine like I like my women. 10 years old and locked in a wooden crate in my basement.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a bottle of wine? The older a bottle of wine is, the more you have to pay for it.

At this time of the year.... ....there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.

And that's why I'm no longer a fireman...

I like my women like I like my wine 56 years old and in my cellar.

What Austrian girls and wine have in common? Both mature in a cellar.

What do you call a wine convention in upstate New York? The Lake Champlain Champagne Campaign

What do you call a basement full of redditors? A wine cellar.

My taste in women is much like my taste in wine Right now i like them younger, sweeter, and prettier. As i age, i start to like them older, more bitter, and contributing to my alcoholism.

Medical fact If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well!

haw haw haw

What kind of wine do horses drink? Caberneigh

What's the worst thing about alcoholics? They wine too much.

What sound does a grape make when you step on it? Just a little wine

My girfrliend said "I love you." I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She said "It's me, talking to the wine."



Thanks, I'm here all week. Two shows nightly.

At a young age I realised I was allergic to communion wine It would always make me sleepy and I’d wake up with a sore arse

Why does the Antichrist have trouble getting drunk? Because his wine always turns into water.

New Wine Jokes

What’s a computers favourite type of wine Port

A couple is sitting in the living room sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, "I love you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" asks the husband.

"It's me," says the wife. "Talking to the wine."

I met a wine maker that wouldn’t give my money back when I told him he’d given me the wrong vintage. It was the vintner of my discontent

Wine A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you!”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”

Good friends are like fine wine That's why I keep mine locked in the cellar.

A Coronavirus sketch I just watched on tv: A couple struggling to survive being cooped up at home are feeling a bit better as they finish off their fourth glass of wine for each. And the wife says "Well we made it to 10 am."

I started a new diet, All I had was toast this morning. I had 2 glasses of wine and congratulated myself on the progress.

What is a cannibal's favorite wine grape? Chardonner

My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she Sangria then ever.

A husband and wife are eating at a restaurant The wife spills a bit of wine on her white top, and exclaims, "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

The husband turns away from the TVs, nods, and says, "And you spilled some wine!"

What is the difference between the Roman Catholic Church and the Russian Orthodox Church? The Roman Catholics drink Holy Wine while the Russian Orthodox drink Holy Vodka.

Why did the vegans go to the wine and cheese event Because they wanted to wine about the cheese

What's the difference between priest and wine lover? Wine lover likes when its older

What do you call a basement full of journeymen? A wine cellar.

Little Johnny is in math class The teacher asks him :
- Walmart sells two dozen bottles of wine at $2 a bottle, how much is that ?

- At home, it's about four days ma'am!

Does anyone know what this Japanese rice wine is called? I can't remember the name, for Heaven's sake.

Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously All they do is cheese and wine

Working From Home Working from is not so bad. I’m starting to get the hang of it. I can work in my pajamas, have a glass of wine with my lunch, and have my lunch at 9am.

When I get old I prefer the Parkinson over Alzheimer I prefer Parkinson's .. Alzheimer's I will forget my bottle of wine .. and Parkinson's I will only lose half the drink.

My son is taking part in a political social experiment... He has to wear a Bernie 2020 t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far he's be spit on, punched and had a wine bottle thrown at him!

I am curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

I gave a wine bottle to a really hot girl yesterday I should have probably given her a bottle of water because the wine didn't help with the fire.

1 in 10 housewives enjoy wine in the bath.. The other 9 wanted to know how I got in !!

It only takes one glass of wine to put me under... Sometimes it’s the 6th one, sometimes the 7th,

A DOCTOR says to his patient: “Your liver results are surprising considering I only allow you one glass of wine a week.”

The patient shrugs and says: “Do you really think you are the only doctor I am going to?”

How do you identify an alcoholic nun? Because of her Wine Habit

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.” The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

I like my woman like i like my wine 12 year olds in my basement

I thought drinking more wine would help me improve my French. My efforts were all in vin.

Went to a really fancy restaurant last night. The water waiter came out and gave me water. The coffee waiter gave me coffee. The wine waiter gave me wine... I was really happy when the head waiter came out!

So my doctor told me a glass of wine a day is good for you Good thing I have 4 doctors

What do they call Bartels & James’ wine coolers in Mexico? Dos Okies

What did the grape say when it was pinched? Nothing, it just let out a little wine

Wedding anniversary last night... ...so thought Chinese and bottle of wine - pretty standard. Got to the chinese to pick up my order and they poured it into a bag .. apparently Chinese don't come in containers anymore

If you were 4 when the song red red wine released. Ub40 now

Husband and wife are having a romantic dinner Wife: I love you so much! I can't live without you!
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It's me... talking to the wine.

The most expensive part of having kids? all the wine you have to drink

What’s the difference between a French wine and a Brazilian wine? Not much but the Brazilian wine has better legs.

Have you guys tried out the new Mexican white wine yet? It’s a Pinot Gringo

Getting older Things change when you get older. You know, I used to butt-chug Natty light to get shitfaced. Now I butt-chug red wine for the antioxidants.

Good friends are like sweet wine I keep both locked up in the cellar

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck.

I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner.

On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs.

"Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children."

I said okay, weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink.

I said "you don't drink?!?"

"Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children."

Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this.

So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask:

"wanna get a room and knock boots?"

She says: I thought you'd never ask!

I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children?

She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'

The Muslim Ban

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent them in the debate. However, as the Mufti didn't speak Italian, and the Pope didn't speak Arabic, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Mufti sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mufti looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his fingers around his head. The Mufti pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Mufti pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Moulana was too clever. The Muslims could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God! Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He beat me at every move and I could not continue!"

Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Mufti how he'd won. "I haven't a clue," the Mufti said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him as they call it 'the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him that we were staying right here!" "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said the Mufti. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

Edit: First time I heard this joke was around a year ago, but I had never heard the Jewish one until shortly after. So yeah, I'm well aware it's a repost, but, obviously by the votes, not that many people heard it the first time around (or second, third...fifth...twenty-second...etc.) so thank you, but it has already been pointed out.

A Sensitive Guy

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

After awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

'Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds.

And he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom,
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

A long time ago, the Pope decrees that all Jews in the Vatican must convert or leave...

There was an outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people picked an aged, wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The pope raised three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the pope waved his hands around in the air. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that the pope stood and declared that he was beaten. The rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay.

Later the cardinals met with the pope and asked him what had happened.

The pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my hands around to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and water, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue. He had an answer to everything. How could I continue with my decree after that?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he had won.

"First," said the rabbi, "he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

A small geographical difference

An elderly man walks in to the famous restaurant Lucas Carton in Paris with his girlfriend. He orders a bottle of Rothschild Mouton 1928.
The waiter returns with a full bottle of wine and fill up a small amount in a glass for tasting.
The man barely smells the wine before putting the glass down and stating: "This is not a 1928 Mouton!"

Soon, almost 20 people are standing around the table. This includes the chef and the restaurants owner. Every single one is trying to convince the old man that it is, in fact, a 1928 Mouton. The waiter then asks: "How can you be so sure this *isn't* a 1928 Mouton?"

The elderly man then states: "My name is Phillip de Rothschild, and I produce this wine!"
The waiter then admits that the wine actually is a Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear the thought of us parting with the last bottle of Mouton 1928. You know, Clerc Milon is produced in the exact same village, with the exact same grapes, the same type of baskets and aged in the exact same barrels. The wines are *exactly* the same, the only difference is that the vineyards are on the other side of the village."

Rotschild turns to the waiter and says: "When you get home tonight, ask your wife to undress, and put one finger in each hole. Pull them out, and smell them. You'll then understand the importance of a small geographical difference."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;

it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.'

The man replies, 'I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman. Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

A drunk got on a bus one day and sat down next to a priest.

The drunk stank of wine, his shirt was stained, his face was all red, and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.

He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

A man and a woman meet . . .

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly Teddy Bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

But, she doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Just maybe, this could be the future father of my children. She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly and they continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says --

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.

The 2nd in wine, dead.

The 3rd in whiskey, dead.

The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:

- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:

- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night

A group of old friends discussed where they should meet for lunch for their reunion.

They were all aged about 40.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the waitresses there were pretty.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Pierre the fighter pilot

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.

"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!!!"

Pope VS. Mufti

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal.He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent them in the debate.However, as the Mufti spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Arabic, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.On the chosen day the Pope and Mufti sat opposite each other.The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.The Mufti looked back and raised one finger.Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.The Mufti pointed to the ground where he sat.The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.The Mufti pulled out an apple.With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Moulana was too clever.The Muslims could stay in Italy.Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity."He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God!"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us."He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us."I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins."He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin."He beat me at every move and I could not continue!"Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Mufti how he'd won."I haven't a clue," the Mufti said."First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger."Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him that we were staying right here!""And then what?" asked a woman."Who knows?" said the Mufti. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

My first original long joke called "Luck"

When I was young, I was always lucky. When I was five, my mom asked me to give 6 numbers for the lottery. “8, 13, 27, 29, 30, 31” I said. Without any hesitation, my mom punched those numbers on the lottery ticket and hoped for the best. Later that night, my whole family was watching the lottery on the television.

“The winning numbers are 8!” The announcer said.

“Five more numbers and I’m a millionaire!” my mom said with a big smile on her face.

“13!” The announcer continued. My dad, who believed throughout his whole life that the lottery is rigged by politicians, suddenly looked towards the television. It was as if he knew that we were going to win.

“27!” We already have half of the winning numbers. My family wasn’t really that rich, so winning the lottery would be a big help.

“29!” Is it really going to happen? Are we really going to win ₱80,000,000?”

“30!” One more number! The least amount we could get now is ₱50,000. Getting 5 out of the 6 winning numbers is already a big achievement in itself. Even if we don’t win, getting 5 winning numbers was already a testament on how lucky I was.

It was as if God heard me and answered with a big “Okay”.

“32!” Silence filled the room. My dad slowly looked away from the television and started reading his book once again. The smile in my mom’s face quickly disappeared as she stood up and went to sleep. Meanwhile, I was still very proud of my achievement. 5 out of 6 was unbelievably good. The next day, I bragged to my classmates that I had an 83.33333% guess rate. Most of my classmates were like “Whoa, that’s amazing” but one classmate of mine asked “Then what happened to the other 16.66666%?”

That guy’s name was Calvin. Up until high school, he was considered as the “Shotgun King”. He would just shotgun any major test but still end up with a 100% grade. He was one of the few people in the world that were luckier than me. At age 11, he already won the 6/55 Grand Lotto four times, and he wasn’t only lucky with the lottery, he was lucky with everything. Five months ago, he won a 2017 Audi A3 Sedan. Three months ago, he won a Mercedes-Benz AMG 43, and about a week ago, he won a Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor. He won all these via raffle. There were a lot of doubts about his wins since not even the Philippine Air Force has an F-22.

I haven’t been participating in any more raffles since my mom said that I should focus on my studies. While walking to class, I saw this flyer that said about a raffle with the 1st prize of a Samsung Refrigerator. It was the perfect time to test out my luck skills, besides, my family would extremely benefit from a new refrigerator. While I was putting my raffle entries inside the drop box, someone patted my shoulder.

“Hey Kyle!” the guy said. It was Calvin.

“Hey Calvin, what’s up?” I said.

“You’re entering the raffle too?” He asked.

“Yeah man, it’s been a long time since I won something.” I answered.

“Well good luck.” He said. “I’m joining the raffle too, so the chances of you winning are slim.”

After two days, it was already raffle day. Despite what Calvin said, I was positive that I would win, so I sat in front, near where the results were going to be announced.

One by one, the results were slowly announced, starting from the 5th prize.

“The 5th prize goes to Earl Cayanan!”

“The 4th prize goes to Mary Ann Severino!”

“The 3rd prize goes to John Paul Melecio!”

“The 2nd prize goes to Harold Eugenio!”

Finally, it was the time for the 1st prize. In the corner of my eye, I suddenly saw Calvin talking to some security guards. I smell something fishy going on.

“And for the 1st prize, congratulations to Calvin Tolentino!”

Calvin quickly ran up the stage. I didn’t believe the results so I ran up to Calvin, but on the way, two security guards stopped me. I didn’t give up. I shouted: “I’m the real winner, not you! The whole raffle was rigged!” One security guard then grabbed his gun and smacked its base to my head. I passed out.

I then woke up in a hospital room with an old lady whom I’ve never met before, sitting beside me.

“So, do you want to beat Calvin?” She asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked in return.

“I can make you win the next major raffle.”

“How?” I quickly asked as I was interested.

“Well, the next raffle has a bottle made out of diamonds as its first prize. If sold, it could be as expensive as ₱850,000,000.”

“Okay so how do I win it?”

“Hold your horses, young boy, that’s not the real first prize. You shouldn’t win the bottle, but instead, go to the host right after the program has ended. He will give you the keys to the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’ or WARR for short.”

“The what?”

“Okay, this might sound crazy but there is a robot that can make you win all raffle you enter. It’s called the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’.”

“So how does it work?” I asked out of curiosity.

“No one knows, it was sent by God during the 1300’s. What I do know is that whoever has the WARR would never lose a raffle. Your friend Calvin was just really lucky, but with the WARR, you’d be more than lucky.”

“But how would I be sure that the host would give it to me?”

“Well, he is my son.”

“How is he your son?”

“I gave birth to him.”

Since this conversation seemed like it wouldn’t lead to anything useful anymore, I packed my things and left the hospital. Moments later, I saw a flyer that caught my eye.

“Win a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle worth ₱850,000,000. All you have to do is enter the raffle to have a chance.”

Maybe this was the raffle the old lady was talking about. I quickly went to the raffle booth and entered.

“The raffle draw will be in an hour, sir.” The clerk said. “You can meanwhile sit in our Waiting Area.”

Inside the Waiting Area were chairs, tables, and a television showing a replay of the 2021 NBA Finals. It’s crazy how the Lakers won it in 6 games. Joel Embiid was such a beast for Philadelphia but they still weren’t able to pull it off.

After an hour, I left the waiting room and sat in the front row near the stage where the raffle will be drawn. Slowly, people started coming and the seats started to fill up.

It was time.

The host came out of the curtains and picked one raffle ticket in the spinning jar.

“The 5th prize which is a 1942 Zero Japanese fighter plane, goes to Erika Sanchez!”

“The 4th prize, which is an authentic piece of the Shroud of Turin, goes to Francois LeBourgeoisie!” I can’t believe the host mispronounced his name.

“The 3rd prize, which is the original copy of the Indian epic, the Ramayana, goes to Juan Tiu-Tres.”

“The 2nd prize, which is a legitimate metal shard from the 1947 Roswell UFO Crash goes to Zack Dimagiba.

“And finally, the event you’ve all been waiting for, the 1st prize which is a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle goes to…Calvin Tolentino!”

“What?!” I shouted as I jumped off my seat.

Someone then suddenly patted my back. It was Calvin.

“It’s okay Kyle, you’ll get your chance.” Calvin said.

I was about to punch him in the face but I suddenly remembered that I never really intended to win the 1st prize, so before Calvin went to the stage to claim his prize, I told him: “Hey Calvin!”

“Yes Kyle?” He said with an intimidating smile to his face.

I moved closer to him, stared him in the eye, and softly said: “You may have won the bottle, but you haven’t won the WARR.”

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one night

when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.

About one hour later Hillary sees her driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

”What happened to you?” asked Hillary.

”Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

”My God, what did you tell them?” asks Clinton.

The driver replies, ”I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig!”

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself
thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each others clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.

He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Girls night out

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him and they can ride their bikes there.

10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where theyshould meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and if they go late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped accessible and they even had an elevator!

10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Wine Jokes