Wine Jokes

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Funniest Wine Jokes

If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released UB40 now

Score: 12440

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

Score: 3448

Good ol'e USA 18: can I buy a bottle of wine?

USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible

18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?

USA: we encourage it

Score: 3001
Funny Wine Jokes
Score: 2063

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.” The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

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The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

Score: 2030

What's the most popular red wine?? We want our land back!!

Score: 1366

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50% Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

Score: 1122

What does a grape say when you step on it? Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

Score: 986

What's the oldest red wine in America? "Give us back our land!"

Score: 577

Boss: Do you know why I called you in here? Me: Because I accidentally sent you a dic pic

Boss: (Stops pouring 2 glasses of wine)
Accidentally?

credit u/zarina300

Score: 565

I like my women like I like my wine 12 years old and locked in the basement

Edit:I like most things without dicks aswell

Score: 546

A toast Wife at the dinner table: Please toast some bread for me.
The lazy husband raised his wine glass and said, "To bread."

Score: 410

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine… So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…

Score: 382

My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine. I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"

Score: 328

At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

Score: 308

I like my women like I like my wine... Twelve years old and in the cellar.

Score: 257

My brother always gets mad when I mess with his red wine So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now he's sangria than ever...

Score: 250

Some young women are like bottles of wine They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.

Score: 241

Whats a horses favorite wine? Chardonneigh

Score: 223

My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread. "Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

Score: 190

I like my wine how I like my women 15 years old and locked in a basement

Score: 183

I like my women like I like my wine. 10 years old and in the cellar.

Score: 164

How do penguins open windows? They drink wine

Score: 125

The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows... It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...

Score: 117

I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed I went to bed 7 times last night

Score: 106

What does a grape say after it's stepped on? Nothing.. It just lets out a little wine

Score: 92

What kind of wine do horses drink? Chardonneigh.

Score: 89

What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Score: 83

I like my women like how I like my wine. 10 years old and locked in the cellar.

Score: 80

You know what makes the Antichrist a bad guy? He turns wine into water.

Score: 72

What does an alcoholic do when he's out of beer? Wine

Score: 36

I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all... ...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

Score: 33

Did you hear about that old guy down the street? Apparently he likes his women how he likes his wine. 12 years old and in his basement

Score: 12

What do you call a wine infused with spicy peppers? Jalapinot

Score: 5

I love you my friends and that's not just the beer talking. It's from the bottom of my bottle of wine too.

Score: 3

A Frenchman, a German, and A Jew are stranded in the dessert... the frenchman says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have wine
the german says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have beer
the jew says: I'm tired, I'm thirsty I must have diabetes

Score: 2

A wine aficionado/part time EMT gets invited to a dinner party... While the bottle of red was passed out, he shouts "Everybody get back! OK, now let it breathe a little."

Score: 1

What do you call a rhino that drinks too much wine? An alcoholic obviously

Score: 1

Cop to Irishman: Step out of the car, are you drunk? Irishman: Dint even touch alcohol mate, all night it's been just wine.

Score: 1

What do they call Bartels & James’ wine coolers in Mexico? Dos Okies

Score: 0

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New Wine Jokes

So I was at the bar with my wife a few months ago... And I asked the bartender:
“Can you give the password to the wifi, please?”
“Well I don’t know about yours, but if I want to please my wife the secret word is a nice bottle of wine”

Score: 0

How do you identify an alcoholic nun? Because of her Wine Habit

Score: 0

I can make light only using beer, vodka and wine. Don't believe me? I'll show you: BAM! Booze LED!

Score: 0

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