People are complaining about this being the hottest summer in the last 150 years.
I'm more of a glass half full kind of guy,
I'm thinking of it as the coldest summer in the next 150 years!
What happened in Hong Kong this week? According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.
Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD Its a concentration camp
I love summer in the UK. My favourite day of the year.
It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones. Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.
Where do admins go for summer break? Banned camp.
My wife and I just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust. We call her Summer for short.
As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...
"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.
"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
Humpty Dumpty always had a terrible summer. At least he had a great fall.
Why was Donald Trump watching the Summer Olympics? To see how high the Mexican pole vaulters could go
Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.
What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?
He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"
Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.
After a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty ended up having a great fall.
What was the most unexpected summer hit of all time?
I asked my black friend if he wanted to go on a cruise this summer... He said his ancestors made that mistake and he's not falling for it.
What's the easiest way to lose 20 pounds? The Steam summer sale
Why are there so many public mass shootings in America? Because the schools are closed for summer vacation.
I love summer in Canada! It's my favorite day of the year!
Asked my black friend if he wanted to go on a cruise.. I just asked my black friend if he wanted to go on a cruise this summer. He said his ancestors made that same mistake and he's not falling for it.
For my summer job, I worked at the zoo, circumsizing elephants The pay wasn't great, but the tips were enormous!
I love summer here in Ireland It's my favorite day of the year.
Pride is like the summer... It comes before the fall.
Why do lions only mate in the summer? Because the pride cometh before the fall
The doctor has given me two months to live. I've chosen August and December, because I like summer but don't want to miss Christmas.
I asked my Canadian buddy "Did you have a good summer?"
He said "No! I was working that day."
Where did the ADHD kid spend his summer? (Dark) At a concentration camp.
I got fired today from my summer job as a massage therapist My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way
What's the best thing about summer in the U.S.? No school shootings for two months!
I vacationed at a nudist colony this past summer... the first few days were the hardest.
This and That are both on summer break.
That is heading to Florida. This has plans to travel somewhere, but he won't give me the details.
i have no idea where this is going
My New Years Resolution was to lose 20 lbs. by the end of summer I’ve only got 30 lbs to go.
It's been a few weeks since the last school shooting. Oh, it's summer.
I wanted to open up a summer camp for kids with learning disabilities apparently people think calling it a concentration camp is wrong
What’s the best part about summer in America? 3 months without a school shooting.
Where do you send someone with ADHD for summer? A concentration camp.
I Heard Minnesota Residents Are Very Excited. Rumor is going around that summer may fall on a weekend this year.
I watched a documentary about the 1936 summer Olympics in Berlin It seemed like a wonderful event, but it made me uneasy every time the officials said, "Let's make this a good, clean race."
I was reading an article that said alligators aren't mating this summer Scientists blamed it on reptile dysfunction
Where do responsible parents send children with ADHD over the summer? Concentration Camps
My teacher took my phone after he caught me and said I could reclaim it next class It was a long summer vacation
What do you call senior citizens with erectile dysfunction training for the summer games? Oldlimpdick athletes.
summer is like communism there are no classes
I kept hearing some crazy stuff was happening in Hong Kong so I looked it up. According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.
A hot Summer day is the best time for a wedding Because noone will get cold feet
Having a crush during school makes it 100x better... and makes the summer 100x worse.
You know what's cooler than going to the beach on a summer day? Going to the beach on a winter day.
My kid has Attention Deficit Disorder so I have sent him to a summer camp for kids with ADHD. It's known as a Concentration Camp.
What is Post Malone's favorite summer fruit? Water Malone
You shouldn't say "i helped my uncle jack off a horse" Instead you should say "I spent the summer working on my uncle's husbandry farm."
Why didn’t the math professor teach during the summer? She needed a tan
What's the best thing about summer in America? Three months without a school shooting.
Clear and concise writing can mean the difference between "I helped my uncle jack off a horse"... and "I spent my summer working on the family's husbandry ranch."
On warm summer nights I like to stare off longingly into the sunset and wonder Why can't I see anything?
You know the best part about summer time? No school shootings.
Why is Pride month is Summer? Because Pride comes before a *fall*
I remember the Swedish summer of 2017.. It was the best day of the year.
Why are there no more Finnish Muslims? They all died one year when Ramadan was in the summer
Why are there no Finnish Muslims left? They all died one one year when Ramadan was in the summer
Did you hear about the German summer camp where they gave all the kids adderall? It turned into a concentration camp
Hey girl, is summer over yet? Because I’m falling for you.
Two necrophiliacs talk during a hot summer day.
*Sweating*, it's way too hot outside!
Let's go in and crack open a cold one.
How do rabbits stay cold in the summer? Hare conditioning
People of Alabama have summer teeth. Summer there. Summer not.
What kind of summer camp would a toilet, a mountain lion, and a cantaloupe all go to? A John Cougar Melon Camp
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for a terrible summer
I am almost completely Irish ....in fact, all summer when I was on my college break I thought to myself "Irish I was drinking right now."
What's the most favorite day of British people? Summer
TIL about a pack of lions that had a massive orgy at the end of last Summer They were the pride that came before the Fall
Why doesn't David Lee Roth drive a car during summer? Because he can barely see the road from the heat comin' off of it.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Because thou art hot and maketh me want to take off my clothes.
Where do cantaloupes go in the summer? To John Cougar's Mellon Camp
A man walks into a bar after the summer solstice and orders a quadruple vodka
The bartender asks, "Is everything alright?"
The man sighs and says, "It's been a long day."
I spent a summer in the beautiful lands of Siberia. It was the best week of my life.
Procedural programming is like school in the summer. It has no classes!
Summer weather is like a terrible dating profile... "24 but feels like 36."
What's the most popular drink in the Whitehouse for the summer of 2017 ? Vodka, on the rocks.
Where do kids with ADHD go during summer break? Concentration camp.
Hockey players are known for their summer teeth Summer here, summer there
Where do cantaloupes go in the summer? To John Cougar's Mellencamp.
Did you hear about the local barber?
He liked killing people with his blades during the summer festival.
They called him the buzzkill.
Schumer is beautiful,hot, wonderful and just the best thing in the world Whoops sorry I meant Summer.
I booked a trip to visit the Cherokee in Oklahoma this summer, but I'm having second thoughts... I'm having a reservation reservation reservation.
Son and Dad $$$
Son is away for the summer in a camp. He runs out of pocket money so he writes to his dad:
Why do programmers hate summer so much? Because it's the buggiest time of the year
I love summer in Ireland The rain gets warmer.
2 fortune tellers are talking about the weather. The first one says it's going to be a hot winter. The second one replies "Yes, reminds me of the summer of 2093."
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? Because he had a miserable summer.
My son went to camouflage camp last summer. We never saw him again.
What did the Russian athlete say when he was stung by a mosquito during the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro? zika blyat
What's a Jew's least favorite thing about summer? Going to camp.
My buddy Brian had a kid a few years ago. He comes to me this summer and he goes...
"Man, my son just flunked the third grade. I don't know how to tell him he will be held back a year."
I was like, "I guess you better tell him slowly so that he will get it."
Demi Lovato's parents were mad at her during the school year... But now they're cool for the summer
You're like school in the summer... No class.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer? Because the Knights are shorter then.
Two old men are sitting on a park bench in the summer...
One turns to the other and says "it's nice out isn't it?"
The other replies "yes, I think I'll take mine out too"
Despite it being close to Christmas, I'm still on my Summer diet... ...I'll have summer that, summer that, and summer that.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. His summer was ok.
My new years resolution was to lose 40 pounds by the end of summer... I've only got 50 to go.
Unidan and I are planning a summer road trip. I don't think I'm going to enjoy it. Every place I suggest we stop at I'm outvoted 5 to 1.
For those with kids who love Frozen.....
You Who, big summer blowout! (Norwegian accent)