Catholic Jokes

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Funniest Catholic Jokes

What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage? "Let us prey."

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but... A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

Funny Catholic Jokes

I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die. Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne waits untill a boy's 12 before it comes on his face.

why would you be a suicide bomber... And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!

Source: Jimmy Carr

What do you call an illegal immigrant and a catholic priest fighting? Alien VS Predator

A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me ”

Why are Catholic priests always referred to as "father"? Because "daddy" would make it too obvious...

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne waits until you're 12 years old to come on your face.

You don't need to die as a muslim to get 72 virgins Just be a catholic priest

Why are Catholic priests called "Father"? Because "Daddy" would be a bit too suspicous.

so my Irish friend told his town he was an atheist...... One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

My cousin is so poor.... that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.

What do you call a catholic boy that can run faster than the priest? A virgin

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.

What do you call a Mexican fighting a Catholic priest? Alien vs. Predator

What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest? One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests? A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.

What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.

How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest. Alien vs predator

Why are catholic priests called father? Because “daddy” would be too suspicious

Why are catholic priests adressed as "father"? "Daddy" would be too obvious.

What the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple? Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face.

Whats the difference between a muslim and a catholic priest? The muslim has to die before he gets his virgins.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne. Acne waits until you're thirteen to come on your face.

What do you call a sleepwalking Nun? A Roamin' Catholic

What's the difference between a Catholic and Baptist? A Catholic will say hello to you in a liquor store.

Why is acne better than a catholic priest? At least acne waits till a kid is 14 to come on his face.

What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and Acne? Acne waits until you're 12 before it comes on your face.

What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a Zit? A zit will wait till your twelve years old to come on your face.

What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until hes 13

What's the difference between a catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait till you're 13 to come on your face.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun ? Roamin' Catholic

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

Why do Catholic priests like golf? Because most of the holes are under 18.

What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you're twelve before it comes on your face

What’s the difference between a Chilean mining company and a Catholic priest? The Chilean mining company gets its miners stuck in a shaft. The Catholic priest gets its shaft stuck in a minor.

What's the difference between a zit and a catholic priest? a zit waits until youre 12 to come your face

What does a Catholic do before a confession? He sins, obviously.

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New Catholic Jokes

Girl: I am catholic Me (trying to impress her): I am into cats too

The Catholic Church banned plastic bags from its premises. They consider them to be sac-religious.

A meeting between all Catholic priests was held the other day, but the topic of altar boys was never brought up. I guess they’ll touch on that later.

What would you call a war between Area 51 and the Catholic Church? Alien vs Predator

I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church. It was a touching story.

A Baptist preacher, a Catholic priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit takes a look around and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."

Aliens arrive on earth, and the Catholic Church arranges a meeting with them. They ask the aliens if they believe in god. The aliens respond, “That’s why we came here! Mount Olympus is on Earth, right?”

A Catholic girl's prayer... “O Virgin Mother, thou who did conceive without sinning, teach me to sin without conceiving.”

In the Catholic Church, the pope is elected for life. Putin has met with 3 of them.

I grow and sell fruit to Catholic churches across the country. I mass produce mass produce.

The Catholic church released a fun PC game which takes place in the garden of Eden. You play as Eve and Adam is hiding from you. Your goal is to hunt him down with a slingshot. It's a first person shooter.

why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins. Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

What do you call a priest who walks in his sleep? A roaming Catholic

Why do catholic priests love Halloween? Free delivery!

I don't get why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist and suicide bomber, just so you might have a chance to get 72 virgins when you die Just become a Catholic priest and have them now!

What do you call a spider in a catholic church? Father Longlegs.

Why are Cinderella and Catholic priests similar? They both like balls but only before 12.

After the death of my parents, I was reared in a Catholic orphanage… ... i'm still sore.

What kind of killer targets Catholic churches? A mass murderer

What does a Catholic priest have in common with Beethoven's Fur Elise? They both finish in A minor

What's a Catholic priest's favorite town to visit? Du Bois

I managed to escape Neverland Ranch by taking refuge in a nearby Catholic Church. Out of the flying Pan, into the friar.

I managed to escape Neverland Ranch with my virginity intact, only to wind up in a nearby Catholic church. Out of the flying Pan, into the friar.

What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest? Acne only comes on a boys face after he’s turned 12

A Catholic priest, a child molester, and a rapist walks into a bar Then he orders a whiskey.

What do you call a nun that goes for long walks? A Roamin' Catholic

Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church. The priest says “What are you doing here?”

HB says “You can’t have mass without me.”

Did you know that protons have mass ? Lol i din't even knew they were catholic

What do you call it when an immigrant walks into a Catholic Church? Alien vs Predator (this is my son’s joke)

A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church. "Get out!", said the priest.

"But without me, how can you have mass?"

The new 3D tv I bought is super realistic! I dozed off while watching a documentary on the Catholic Church and when I woke up the house smelled of incense and my 7 year-old son was missing.

Why was the Jewish kid who transferred to the catholic school suddenly so good at math? He saw the guy stapled to the plus sign and knew they meant business

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pimple? A pimple will wait until you're twelve before it comes on your face.

If you think about it, Forgive me father for I have sinned is basically just the catholic version of "I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty"

I'm Catholic just like I'm Straight I'm not, but I pretend to be around my family.

Why don't Catholic priests use Tinder? Because they use Kinder.

What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boy’s face after he is 12

How is a Catholic 6-year old different from a vegan cat? While we all know who's making that
decision, at least one of the two won't have meat forced into their mouth.

No wonder the Catholic church needed to raise so much money for Notre Dame. Insurance companies won't pay for "Acts of God" claims on a church.

Notre-dame : *burning* Me: Just pour holy water on it

​

***Catholic problem requires catholic solution***

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Long Catholic Jokes

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?”

I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

Edit: THANK EVERYONE FOR THE GOLD!! Also forgot to source the joke to Jimmy Carr.

A prostitute? Awesome!!!

Irish Prostitute

Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

A nun at a Catholic School was asking her 10 year old students what they wanted to be when they grew up.

"Susie, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Susie said "I want to be a doctor."

"Very nice," the nun said. "Jenny what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Jenny said "I want to be a teacher."

"Excellent answer," the nun replied. "Martha what are you going to be when you grow up."

Martha replies "I want to be a prostitute."

Hearing that the nun faints.

The little girls all rush forward to the nun laying on the ground and try to help her. Shortly the nun regains consciousness And says in a weak voice "Martha what did you just say you wanted to be when you grew up?"

Martha says "I said I wanted to be a prostitute."

"Oh thank goodness," the nun said "for a moment I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."

Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'".

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'".

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'".

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'".


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well...."?

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
 
slim,
 
tall,
 
38D - 24 - 36

When she walks into a room people say,

"Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!"

Getting Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially if you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite!"

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't workout? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!!!!!!!

So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)

The Irish Prostitue

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it."
So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.

The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book.

He then asked the Pope for his name and looked it up in his book also.

"Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter.

They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings.

St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house.

The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.

St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack.

St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.

The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute!"

That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion.

I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?"

St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."

A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.

J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!”

P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven”

The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. The first person to walk into the booth is a man.

M- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I have lied to my wife”

The janitor looks at the chart and finds lying

J- “ just say 2 Hail Marys and your sin will be forgiven”

The next person to walk into the booth is a little boy

LB- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I stole something from the store”

The janitor looks on the chart for stealing and says “ just say 3 Hail Marys and your sin will be forgiven”

The next person to walk into the booth is a woman

W- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I cheated on my husband and gave another man a blow job”

The janitor looks on the chart for blow job but he can’t find it. The janitor runs out of the booth in a hurry and sprints into the church. In the church he spots an alter boy.

J- “Timmy! Timmy! What does father Nelson usually give for a blow job! ?”

Timmy- “ usually a bag of chips and a can of pop”

Pope gets a lesson

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!"

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

Heresy

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
~Emo Philips

Married in Heaven!

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves standing outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

They asked St. Peter can we still get married in heaven?
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out!

Two months passed and St Peter still has not returned. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking exhausted!
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

My "classic" joke.

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!"
So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in.
The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!"
The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?"
The bartender says, "Yeah.."
The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?"
The bartender says, "It's across the road."

2 Beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

The Irishman's parking space

An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.

He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."

Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."

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