Catholic Jokes

Contents

Funniest Catholic Jokes

What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage? "Let us prey."

Score: 15748

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but... A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

Score: 10176
Funny Catholic Jokes
Score: 6488

I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die. Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

Score: 4459

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne waits untill a boy's 12 before it comes on his face.

Score: 2324

why would you be a suicide bomber... And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!

Source: Jimmy Carr

Score: 1080

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? Roman Catholic.

Score: 778

A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me ”

Score: 492

Why are Catholic priests always referred to as "father"? Because "daddy" would make it too obvious...

Score: 270

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne waits until you're 12 years old to come on your face.

Score: 248

You don't need to die as a muslim to get 72 virgins Just be a catholic priest

Score: 247

Why are Catholic priests called "Father"? Because "Daddy" would be a bit too suspicous.

Score: 238

My cousin is so poor.... that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.

Score: 187

What do you call a catholic boy that can run faster than the priest? A virgin

Score: 177

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.

Score: 163

What do you call a Mexican fighting a Catholic priest? Alien vs. Predator

Score: 158

What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest? One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

Score: 152

Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass? Student: I didn't even know protons were Catholic.

Score: 149

What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests? A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.

Score: 145

How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest. Alien vs predator

Score: 116

A Catholic boy in confession says “bless me father,i have sinned,i masturbated while thinking of my sister”. “That’s a disgrace”,said the Priest. “Especially when you have two gorgeous brothers “.

Score: 116

Why are catholic priests adressed as "father"? "Daddy" would be too obvious.

Score: 92

What the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple? Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face.

Score: 89

Whats the difference between a muslim and a catholic priest? The muslim has to die before he gets his virgins.

Score: 88

What do you call a sleepwalking Nun? A Roamin' Catholic

Score: 85

My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London. Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

Score: 76

What's the difference between a Catholic and Baptist? A Catholic will say hello to you in a liquor store.

Score: 75

Why is acne better than a catholic priest? At least acne waits till a kid is 14 to come on his face.

Score: 74

What do you call a nun that walks in her sleep? A roamin' Catholic.

Score: 72

What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and Acne? Acne waits until you're 12 before it comes on your face.

Score: 72

Don't become an Islamic suicide bomber for the off chance you'll get 72 virgins after death. Become a Catholic priest and get them now!

Score: 28

What do you call a nun that is going for a walk? A roamin catholic

Score: 25

I don't get why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist and suicide bomber, just so you might have a chance to get 72 virgins when you die Just become a Catholic priest and have them now!

Score: 22

What do you call hay for Catholic horses? Christian Bale

Score: 19

What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne? [personal favorites] Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he's thirteen.

Score: 15

If I ask a Catholic sister to work for me as a manager ... Does that make her nun of my business?

Score: 15

The Pope is stepping down because he's "too old"... ... I see the Catholic Church applies the same criteria to Popes as it does to their choirboys.

Score: 13

What do you call a Catholic Missionary who is also a car enthusiast? A Catholitic Converter

Score: 12

What do you call a spider in a catholic church? Father Longlegs.

Score: 11

What do you call a priest who walks in his sleep? A roaming Catholic

Score: 10

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New Catholic Jokes

What is the similarity between a cop and a catholic priest? Bad ones just get transferred.


Edit: sorry for bad phrasing, just thought of it, probably can be put in better words.

Score: 1

What do Catholic Priests and McDonalds have in common? 40 year old meat between 8 year old buns.

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What is the difference between the Roman Catholic Church and the Russian Orthodox Church? The Roman Catholics drink Holy Wine while the Russian Orthodox drink Holy Vodka.

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My neighbour, a Catholic priest, collects car exhausts........ He's a Catholitic converter.

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What do you call a catholic circumcision? A suck off.

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What do the military and Catholic priest's have in common? Predator Missiles.

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Where does this donation policy best fit: A nickle for each pickle? The Catholic Church

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I can't wait to become a Catholic priest For the first time a girl can call me her daddy

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A photographer went to a Catholic church... ...and caused a mass shooting.

Score: 3

What do Catholic Priests and Mcdonalds have in common? They both put their meat in 10 year old buns.

Score: 3

What is a jazz musician that got kicked out of the catholic church? Sax-communicated.

Score: 2

What did the old Catholic priest say when he arrived at a 6 year old boys birthday party? Happy birthday.

Score: 5

A Catholic a Lutheran and a Baptist are talking about their faiths. The Catholic say "I'm Catholic, we carry rosaries"


The Lutheran says "I'm Lutheran, we have the Lutheran rose"


Finally the Baptist says "I'm Baptist, I have a chicken spaghetti!"

Score: 1

I once met a member of the Catholic faith who could only face North, East, South and West... His name was Cardinal Directions

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What do you get when you mix a hypocrite, Catholic, and comedian into a blender? Louis CK

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A catholic choir is composing their own material. “Sweet Gsus, but I think what we need here is A minor.”

Score: 5

What did the Catholic bodybuilder say when he went to confession after falling off a new diet plan? Forgive me Father, For i have binged

Score: 1

What do you call a Catholic Priest and an illegal immigrant fighting? **Alien** vs **Predator**

Score: 2

How did the Catholic priest make one team lose the Superbowl? He told the quarterback to do 20 hail Marys.

Score: 2

I honestly believe if Kevin Spacey confesses his crimes that he can be forgiven. As a Catholic Priest.

Score: 4

Was explaining that i wasn't much of a catholic after my church's Priest was arrested for rampant child abuse to my friend... ...He replied, "So your loss of religion wasn't really one huge blow, it was dozens of little ones."

Score: 0

How much common sense does a catholic church have? Nun.

Score: 1

How do you insult a Catholic? Any way you like, they have to forgive you!

Score: 3

How are a Catholic chruch and strip club alike? Both smell like fish on Fridays.

Score: 0

Do you know the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest? Acne waits until after puberty to come on your face

Score: 4

whats the difference between acne and catholic preists acne doesnt come on a boys face until 13

Score: 4

Another TSA groping scandal? Where will they transfer those Catholic priests next?

Score: 2

What do you call an illegal immigrant and a Catholic priest fighting? Alien VS Predator

Score: 0

What's the difference between acne and catholic priests? Acne waits until you've hit puberty to come on your face.

Score: 2

The Higgs Bosom Particle (xpost from /r/science) The Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church, and the priest says to him, "sorry, we don't allow Higgs bosons here." The Higgs boson replies, "but without me, you can't have mass!"

Score: 1

I don't understand why Islamic fundamentalist suicide bombers go through with it on the off chance of getting 72 virgins when you die... Become a catholic priest and have them now!

Score: 5

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