Hilarious Catholic Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Catholic Jokes

What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage? "Let us prey."

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They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but... A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

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I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die. Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

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What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne waits untill a boy's 12 before it comes on his face.

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why would you be a suicide bomber... And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!

Source: Jimmy Carr

Score: 1080

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? Roman Catholic.

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A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me ”

Score: 492

Why are Catholic priests always referred to as "father"? Because "daddy" would make it too obvious...

Score: 270

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne waits until you're 12 years old to come on your face.

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You don't need to die as a muslim to get 72 virgins Just be a catholic priest

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Why are Catholic priests called "Father"? Because "Daddy" would be a bit too suspicous.

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My cousin is so poor.... that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.

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What do you call a catholic boy that can run faster than the priest? A virgin

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What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.

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What do you call a Mexican fighting a Catholic priest? Alien vs. Predator

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What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest? One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

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Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass? Student: I didn't even know protons were Catholic.

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What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests? A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.

Score: 145

How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest. Alien vs predator

Score: 116

A Catholic boy in confession says “bless me father,i have sinned,i masturbated while thinking of my sister”. “That’s a disgrace”,said the Priest. “Especially when you have two gorgeous brothers “.

Score: 116

Why are catholic priests adressed as "father"? "Daddy" would be too obvious.

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What the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple? Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face.

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Whats the difference between a muslim and a catholic priest? The muslim has to die before he gets his virgins.

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What do you call a sleepwalking Nun? A Roamin' Catholic

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My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London. Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

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What's the difference between a Catholic and Baptist? A Catholic will say hello to you in a liquor store.

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Why is acne better than a catholic priest? At least acne waits till a kid is 14 to come on his face.

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What do you call a nun that walks in her sleep? A roamin' Catholic.

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What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and Acne? Acne waits until you're 12 before it comes on your face.

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What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a Zit? A zit will wait till your twelve years old to come on your face.

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What do you call a sleepwalking nun ? Roamin' Catholic

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What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you're twelve before it comes on your face

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What do you call a traveling Pope? A Roamin' Catholic.

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Whats the difference between a coal mining company and the Catholic Church? A coal mining company puts miners in shafts not the other way around.......

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What do you call a sleepwalking nun… A roamin’ Catholic.

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How do you get a Catholic nun pregnant? Dress her as a choirboy

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Don't become an Islamic suicide bomber for the off chance you'll get 72 virgins after death. Become a Catholic priest and get them now!

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What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on a person's face until he hits 13.

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What's the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple? A pimple waits until puberty to come on your face

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New Catholic Jokes

A catholic priest is dying and is rushed to hospital Upon arriving the priest says “Am I in heaven?”

And the paramedic says “No we’re taking a shortcut through the children’s ward”

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What do you call a priest who walks in his sleep? A roaming Catholic

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I was runner-up in a 10K race benefiting by my local Catholic church. Sister Mary ended up placing first. We spoke after the race and she really complimented my running skills. Such a kind and humble lady. She said my ability was second to nun.

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I don't get why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist and suicide bomber, just so you might have a chance to get 72 virgins when you die Just become a Catholic priest and have them now!

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I managed to escape Neverland Ranch with my virginity intact, only to wind up in a neighboring Catholic church. Out of the flying Pan, into the friar.

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I managed to escape Neverland Ranch with my virginity intact, only to wind up in a nearby Catholic church. Out of the flying Pan, into the friar.

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A photographer went to a Catholic church... ...and caused a mass shooting.

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What do you call it when an immigrant walks into a Catholic Church? Alien vs Predator (this is my son’s joke)

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What do R Kelly and a Catholic priest have in common? One is black.

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Two catholic priests are discussing their colleague's retirement. "It's strange", says one priest.

"How so?, asked the other.

The first priest replies, "Well ever since Arthur left his church, the choirboys haven't been able to sing as high."

Score: 4

I honestly believe if Kevin Spacey confesses his crimes that he can be forgiven. As a Catholic Priest.

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What does a devout catholic girl do when she gets spanked? She turns the other cheek.

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There should be an app to electronically and securely send and receive money, but to be used by members of the Catholic Church. It could be called "Paypal".

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Protons have mass? I didnt know they were Catholic.

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What is a catholic priests favorite activity? Preying

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What is the point in becoming an ISIS terrorist on the off chance you will get 72 Virgins when you die? Just become a Catholic priest and have them now.

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Why are Catholic priests called Father? Because "Daddy" would be too obvious.

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What is the Catholic Church’s position on homosexuality? Only if it’s under 12

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I'm thinking about becoming a Catholic.. Only because I haven't been touched sexually in years and I'm desperate.

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What do you call someone who is very fond of cat videos? A Catholic

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I think the phrase, "My body is a temple" is completely untrue... I don't know about other people, but my body is like a Catholic Church It's full of wine, bread and guilt.

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What did the doctor discover on his Catholic patient’s CAT scan? A mass.

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Two blondes walk into a tanning salon… The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?"

They giggle and reply, "No, we aren't even Catholic."

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What do you call a group of Catholic priests standing in the snow? Cracking open a boy with the cold ones

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Two girls in a Catholic convent school. One whispers to the other: "There's a contraceptive hidden behind the radiator!"

The other whispers back: "What's a radiator?"

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What the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

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You see my neighbour worships exhaust pipes He's a Catholic converter

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My body is like a temple... More like a Catholic church. Full of wine, bread, and guilt.

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The Catholic church is considering going all-in on gluten-free wafers At risk is cross-contamination.

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Why did the black man become Catholic? So he could finally meet his father.

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How do you get 2 Jews to fight? Throw a penny between them.

How do you get 2 Catholic priests to fight?

Do the same thing but this time with a small boy.

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Did you hear about the gunfight in the Catholic church? Mass Shooting

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"We're happy to announce NASA's newest mission will allow us to LITERALLY touch our own Sun!" "Before we continue, please welcome our strangely-excited sponsors, the Catholic Church!"

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I don't know if you know this, but I was raised catholic... I just gave it up for lent.

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What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roaming catholic.

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A Bostonian shooter opens fire on a Catholic meeting, killing 28 and injuring dozens more. The newspaper headline the next day reads:
"A Massive Massacre Occurs at Mass in Massachusetts."

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At the local catholic high school dance, all the DJ's jokes were about me... I was the only person in the punch line.

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What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face

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What's the difference between a cancerous growth and a Roman Catholic tradition? One is a mass, and the other is.. actually they are exactly the same.

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Since assuming the title in 2013, Pope Francis has visited more than 27 countries. I guess he really is a roamin' Catholic.

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What do a catholic priest and a silver medalist have in common? They both came in a little behind.

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What do you call a Protesting Catholic? A Lutheran!

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What is the difference between a Catholic Priest and a Zit? The zit waits until you're 12 before it comes on your face.

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Did you hear about the attack on the Catholic Church? It was a mass shooting.

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Have you heard of the new dating app for Catholic priests? It's called "Kinder".

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What do you call a moving nun? A Roman Catholic

source: LaffyTaffy wrapper

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What do you call the Pope when he is sleepwalking? A Roamin' Catholic.

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What kind of meat does a catholic priest eat on Friday? Nun

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As Dumbledore stood there stroking his wand Harry regretted transferring to Catholic School

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Photons aren't Catholic. No mass.

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What's the difference between a catholic priest and zits? Zits wait until you're at least 12 to come on your face.

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Why are cats against abortion? Because they're CATholic

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What's a catholic's favourite type of car? A convertible.

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What do you call it when a Catholic renovates his kitchen? A counter reformation.

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What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common? They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.

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An Irish mobster approached a man on the street... He demanded "what are you, protestant or catholic?"

The man said "i'm atheist actually"

The mobster thought for a second and said "protestant atheist or catholic atheist?"

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What do you call hay for Catholic horses? Christian Bale

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What do miss Frizzle and the catholic church have in common? They've both been in little boys.

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Do you know the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest? Acne waits until after puberty to come on your face

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What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne? [personal favorites] Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he's thirteen.

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