Hilarious Catholic Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Catholic Jokes

What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage? "Let us prey."

Score: 15748

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but... A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

Score: 10176

Score: 6488

I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die. Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

Score: 4459

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne waits untill a boy's 12 before it comes on his face.

Score: 2324

why would you be a suicide bomber... And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!

Source: Jimmy Carr

Score: 1080

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? Roman Catholic.

Score: 778

A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me ”

Score: 492

Why are Catholic priests always referred to as "father"? Because "daddy" would make it too obvious...

Score: 270

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne waits until you're 12 years old to come on your face.

Score: 248

You don't need to die as a muslim to get 72 virgins Just be a catholic priest

Score: 247

Why are Catholic priests called "Father"? Because "Daddy" would be a bit too suspicous.

Score: 238

My cousin is so poor.... that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.

Score: 187

What do you call a catholic boy that can run faster than the priest? A virgin

Score: 177

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.

Score: 163

What do you call a Mexican fighting a Catholic priest? Alien vs. Predator

Score: 158

What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest? One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

Score: 152

Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass? Student: I didn't even know protons were Catholic.

Score: 149

What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests? A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.

Score: 145

How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest. Alien vs predator

Score: 116

A Catholic boy in confession says “bless me father,i have sinned,i masturbated while thinking of my sister”. “That’s a disgrace”,said the Priest. “Especially when you have two gorgeous brothers “.

Score: 116

Why are catholic priests adressed as "father"? "Daddy" would be too obvious.

Score: 92

What the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple? Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face.

Score: 89

Whats the difference between a muslim and a catholic priest? The muslim has to die before he gets his virgins.

Score: 88

What do you call a sleepwalking Nun? A Roamin' Catholic

Score: 85

My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London. Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

Score: 76

What's the difference between a Catholic and Baptist? A Catholic will say hello to you in a liquor store.

Score: 75

Why is acne better than a catholic priest? At least acne waits till a kid is 14 to come on his face.

Score: 74

What do you call a nun that walks in her sleep? A roamin' Catholic.

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What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and Acne? Acne waits until you're 12 before it comes on your face.

Score: 72

Whats the difference between a coal mining company and the Catholic Church? A coal mining company puts miners in shafts not the other way around.......

Score: 44

What do you call a nun that is going for a walk? A roamin catholic

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What's the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple? A pimple waits until puberty to come on your face

Score: 25

What do you call it when an immigrant walks into a Catholic Church? Alien vs Predator (this is my son’s joke)

Score: 24

I don't get why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist and suicide bomber, just so you might have a chance to get 72 virgins when you die Just become a Catholic priest and have them now!

Score: 22

What do you call hay for Catholic horses? Christian Bale

Score: 19

What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne? [personal favorites] Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he's thirteen.

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What do you call a priest who walks in his sleep? A roaming Catholic

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I managed to escape Neverland Ranch with my virginity intact, only to wind up in a nearby Catholic church. Out of the flying Pan, into the friar.

Score: 7

An Irish mobster approached a man on the street... He demanded "what are you, protestant or catholic?"

The man said "i'm atheist actually"

The mobster thought for a second and said "protestant atheist or catholic atheist?"

Score: 5

New Catholic Jokes

In catholic school they use biblical stories to teach about STDs That’s how they explain the burning bush.

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A catholic priest is dying and is rushed to hospital Upon arriving the priest says “Am I in heaven?”

And the paramedic says “No we’re taking a shortcut through the children’s ward”

Score: 3

What is the similarity between a cop and a catholic priest? Bad ones just get transferred.

Edit: sorry for bad phrasing, just thought of it, probably can be put in better words.

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What do Catholic Priests and McDonalds have in common? 40 year old meat between 8 year old buns.

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What do you call a catholic circumcision? A suck off.

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What do the military and Catholic priest's have in common? Predator Missiles.

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I can't wait to become a Catholic priest For the first time a girl can call me her daddy

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I was runner-up in a 10K race benefiting by my local Catholic church. Sister Mary ended up placing first. We spoke after the race and she really complimented my running skills. Such a kind and humble lady. She said my ability was second to nun.

Score: 4

I managed to escape Neverland Ranch with my virginity intact, only to wind up in a neighboring Catholic church. Out of the flying Pan, into the friar.

Score: 3

As a boy, I managed to escape Neverland Ranch with my virginity intact...by running into a nearby Catholic church. Out of the flying Pan, into the friar.

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A photographer went to a Catholic church... ...and caused a mass shooting.

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What do R Kelly and a Catholic priest have in common? One is black.

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Two catholic priests are discussing their colleague's retirement. "It's strange", says one priest.

"How so?, asked the other.

The first priest replies, "Well ever since Arthur left his church, the choirboys haven't been able to sing as high."

Score: 4

A Catholic a Lutheran and a Baptist are talking about their faiths. The Catholic say "I'm Catholic, we carry rosaries"

The Lutheran says "I'm Lutheran, we have the Lutheran rose"

Finally the Baptist says "I'm Baptist, I have a chicken spaghetti!"

Score: 1

What did the Catholic bodybuilder say when he went to confession after falling off a new diet plan? Forgive me Father, For i have binged

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What do you call a Catholic Priest and an illegal immigrant fighting? **Alien** vs **Predator**

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How did the Catholic priest make one team lose the Superbowl? He told the quarterback to do 20 hail Marys.

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I honestly believe if Kevin Spacey confesses his crimes that he can be forgiven. As a Catholic Priest.

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What do Catholic cannibals eat in place of fish on Fish Fry Friday? Battered women

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What do you call a Protesting Catholic? A Lutheran!

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Was explaining that i wasn't much of a catholic after my church's Priest was arrested for rampant child abuse to my friend... ...He replied, "So your loss of religion wasn't really one huge blow, it was dozens of little ones."

Score: 0

How much common sense does a catholic church have? Nun.

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What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roaming Catholic.

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What do miss Frizzle and the catholic church have in common? They've both been in little boys.

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Do you know the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest? Acne waits until after puberty to come on your face

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What do you call an illegal immigrant and a Catholic priest fighting? Alien VS Predator

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The Higgs Bosom Particle (xpost from /r/science) The Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church, and the priest says to him, "sorry, we don't allow Higgs bosons here." The Higgs boson replies, "but without me, you can't have mass!"

Score: 1