Scottish Jokes

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Highlander? Mick Jagger sings, "Hey you, get off of my cloud . . ", while the Scottish Highlander yells, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier... He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Sheep can hear zippers.

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey" Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas? A Wii fit

What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottish farmer? Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud'

The Scottish farmer says 'Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe'

There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true! I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!

A Scottish man walks into a bar.. .. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.

A pair of Scottish nuns were riding in a cab in Edinburgh, and one turned to the other saying, "I've never come this way before." The other nun smiled and said... "Aye, it's the cobblestones."

Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because sheep can hear zippers.

Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish? A oui lad

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd? Mick Jagger yells "Hey! You! Get off my cloud!"

The shepherd yells "Hey! McLeod! Get off my ewe!"

Why does Scottish Mickey Mouse no longer use his helicopter? It Disney land.

Asked a Scottish man today why they wear those skirts He replied 'the last guy that called it skirt, got kilt'

What's the difference between a Scottish guy and Mick Jagger? One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"

The other says "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland. The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”

The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”

Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

I took a Scottish girl to the countryside. "Hello view!" she said, looking out the window of our rented house.

I said, "I love you too..."

A Scottish guy phones in sick to work. Boss ask's what is wrong Jimmy? Jimmy replies I have a wee cough.

Boss says you have a wee cough? Jimmy says thank you Boss I was only going to take one day.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away...

If you factor in Trumps ancestry, his policies make perfect sense. The German side says "Build a wall!"

The Scottish side says "Well im not paying for it!"

What do the Scottish people wear kilts? Because sheep can hear the sound of zippers from far away.

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish farmer? Mick Jagger says "Hey (hey) you (you) get off of my cloud..." the Scottish farmer says "Hey McCloud get off of my ewe"

Why do Scottish people wear kilts? Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

[Scottish]What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings, and Walt disnae.

Two Scottish guys discussing a wedding.. First guys asks "What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?"

Second fella says "A kilt of course!"

First fella "What's the tartin?"

"She's wearing white" says his pal

Why the Scottish wear kilts? Because the sheep can hear the zipper from miles

3 paddys are out for dinner English Paddy tells his wife "pass the sugar, sugar"

Scottish Paddy asks his wife "pass the honey, honey"


Irish Paddy says "pass me the milk




Cow."

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and Scottish people? The Rolling Stones sing "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!" and the Scots say "Hey McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"

A Scottish guy announced to his mate that he was getting married... I'll write this down phonetically, so use your best Scottish accent:

"Ahm gettin married next week."

"Are ye wearin a kilt?"

"Aye, ahm weerin a kilt."

"Wha's the tartin?"

"She's in a whit dress."

If dogs had the ability to speak to humans We still would have no idea what Scottish Terriers would be trying to tell us.

Why Do Scottish people wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper go down a mile away.

What's the difference between a rolling stone and a Scottish shepherd? One says, "hey, you! Get off of my cloud!"

The other says, "hey Macleod! Get off of my ewe!"

Why do the Scottish wear kilts? So they don't scare the sheep with the sound of a zipper.

Did you hear what happened to the Scottish soldier? He was kilt in action.

What did the Scottish man do when he ran out of pants to wear? He kilt himself

What is the favorite appetizer of scottish people? Gaelic Bread

What's the difference between a rolling Stone and a Scottish man 'hey you, get off my cloud!'...
Hey mcloud.. Get off my ewe!!!!!!!!