What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Highlander? Mick Jagger sings, "Hey you, get off of my cloud . . ", while the Scottish Highlander yells, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"
I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier... He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.
What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottish farmer?
Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud'
The Scottish farmer says 'Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe'
There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true! I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!
A Scottish man walks into a bar.. .. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
A pair of Scottish nuns were riding in a cab in Edinburgh, and one turned to the other saying, "I've never come this way before." The other nun smiled and said... "Aye, it's the cobblestones."
An English man, Irish man and Scottish man
An English man, Irish man and Scottish man walk into a Bar
Those were the days
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd?
Mick Jagger yells "Hey! You! Get off my cloud!"
The shepherd yells "Hey! McLeod! Get off my ewe!"
Asked a Scottish man today why they wear those skirts He replied 'the last guy that called it skirt, got kilt'
What's the difference between a Scottish guy and Mick Jagger?
One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"
The other says "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"
The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.
The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”
The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”
Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
I took a Scottish girl to the countryside.
"Hello view!" she said, looking out the window of our rented house.
I said, "I love you too..."
A Scottish guy phones in sick to work.
Boss ask's what is wrong Jimmy? Jimmy replies I have a wee cough.
Boss says you have a wee cough? Jimmy says thank you Boss I was only going to take one day.
What do the Scottish people wear kilts? Because sheep can hear the sound of zippers from far away.
If you factor in Trumps ancestry, his policies make perfect sense.
The German side says "Build a wall!"
The Scottish side says "Well im not paying for it!"
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish farmer? Mick Jagger says "Hey (hey) you (you) get off of my cloud..." the Scottish farmer says "Hey McCloud get off of my ewe"
Two Scottish guys discussing a wedding..
First guys asks "What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?"
Second fella says "A kilt of course!"
First fella "What's the tartin?"
"She's wearing white" says his pal
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd? Mick Jagger says "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" and a Scottish shepherd says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
A Scottish guy announced to his mate that he was getting married...
I'll write this down phonetically, so use your best Scottish accent:
"Ahm gettin married next week."
"Are ye wearin a kilt?"
"Aye, ahm weerin a kilt."
"Wha's the tartin?"
"She's in a whit dress."
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and Scottish people? The Rolling Stones sing "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!" and the Scots say "Hey McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"
Ok, time to see if a Scottish joke translates...
Two cows are standing in a field, which one is going on holiday?
The one with the wee calf.
You'll only get this if you're Scottish
(Came up with this when I was 8. Let's just say that I don't think it's as good as I thought it was all those years ago!)
What did the sandwich aliens say when they landed on Earth?
"We come in a piece."
Scottish guy rings in to his boss.
I am sorry boss I won't be in work today.
Boss: Why not?
Scottish guy: I have a wee cough.
Boss: You have a wee Cough?
Scottish guy: Oh thanks boss, I was only going to take today off.
What's the difference between Mick Jager and a Scottish shepherd,
Mick Jager says "hey, you, get off of my cloud!"
A Scottish shepherd says "hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
Why do the Scottish call kilts a kilt and not a skirt? The last person to call it a skirt got kilt.
What's the difference between a Rolling Stones song and a Scottish farmer?
One goes "Hey you! Get off my cloud"
And the other "Hey Mc'Cloud! Get off my ewe"
I'm wary of the the Scottish at the moment I heard the main symptoms of COVID-19 are fever, cough, and shortness of bread.
An English man, an Irish man, and a Scottish man walk into a bar... The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
I have both Irish and Scottish ancestry
I love to drink, but hate to pay for it.
(Joke Credit: John Cunningham via Kevin Burke).
What DO you do with a drunken sailor? Make a Disney Trilogy featuring an evil Scottish octopus and rake in the money
A group of 3 men walked into a bar The scottish man had whiskey the frenchman had champagne and the inuit had some bellinis- the french and scottish looked at him and both said: I knew it!
TIFU: I met my girlfriend’s Scottish Dad.
Girlfriend’s Dad: So yer me daughter’s new boyfriend eye ye fucka?
Me: Well yes actually, once on the couch and one in your bed.
A Scottish man, an English man and an Irish man tell some jokes in a pub... Everyone gets arrested for racism.
Whats the difference between a generous scottish man and a unicorn Nothing, Theyre both fictional characters
Scottish people The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?
What did the Scottish woman do when she found a trumpet buried in her garden? She had to root-e-toot
Just had a bit of trouble with a Scottish man in a bar and ending up bottling him You should’ve seen that glasgow
What do you call two Scottish potatos who have just recived a rock as a prize? Kilt tubers with won stone.
I'm getting sick of spending time with my Scottish family and their Scottish cows... Wee kin, wee cow
Did you know you have to swim to get into Scottish Houses? It's because there's always a loch on the door! :D
Have you heard the Scottish National Party’s proposal to reduce Loch Ness monster sightings? Nick all the sturgeon