Scottish Jokes

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Funniest Scottish Jokes

Funny Scottish Jokes
Score: 850

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Highlander? Mick Jagger sings, "Hey you, get off of my cloud . . ", while the Scottish Highlander yells, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

Score: 498

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier... He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

Score: 435

Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Sheep can hear zippers.

Score: 323

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey" Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

Score: 274

What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas? A Wii fit

Score: 140

What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottish farmer? Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud'

The Scottish farmer says 'Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe'

Score: 110

There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true! I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!

Score: 104

A Scottish man walks into a bar.. .. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.

Score: 103

A pair of Scottish nuns were riding in a cab in Edinburgh, and one turned to the other saying, "I've never come this way before." The other nun smiled and said... "Aye, it's the cobblestones."

Score: 90

Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because sheep can hear zippers.

Score: 65

Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Score: 63

What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish? A oui lad

Score: 56

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd? Mick Jagger yells "Hey! You! Get off my cloud!"

The shepherd yells "Hey! McLeod! Get off my ewe!"

Score: 46

Why does Scottish Mickey Mouse no longer use his helicopter? It Disney land.

Score: 45

Asked a Scottish man today why they wear those skirts He replied 'the last guy that called it skirt, got kilt'

Score: 44

What's the difference between a Scottish guy and Mick Jagger? One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"

The other says "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

Score: 36

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland. The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”

The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”

Score: 34

Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Score: 32

I took a Scottish girl to the countryside. "Hello view!" she said, looking out the window of our rented house.

I said, "I love you too..."

Score: 26

A Scottish guy phones in sick to work. Boss ask's what is wrong Jimmy? Jimmy replies I have a wee cough.

Boss says you have a wee cough? Jimmy says thank you Boss I was only going to take one day.

Score: 25

Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away...

Score: 24

If you factor in Trumps ancestry, his policies make perfect sense. The German side says "Build a wall!"

The Scottish side says "Well im not paying for it!"

Score: 23

What do the Scottish people wear kilts? Because sheep can hear the sound of zippers from far away.

Score: 23

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish farmer? Mick Jagger says "Hey (hey) you (you) get off of my cloud..." the Scottish farmer says "Hey McCloud get off of my ewe"

Score: 22

Why do Scottish people wear kilts? Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Score: 21

[Scottish]What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings, and Walt disnae.

Score: 19

Two Scottish guys discussing a wedding.. First guys asks "What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?"

Second fella says "A kilt of course!"

First fella "What's the tartin?"

"She's wearing white" says his pal

Score: 19

Why the Scottish wear kilts? Because the sheep can hear the zipper from miles

Score: 19

3 paddys are out for dinner English Paddy tells his wife "pass the sugar, sugar"

Scottish Paddy asks his wife "pass the honey, honey"


Irish Paddy says "pass me the milk




Cow."

Score: 18

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and Scottish people? The Rolling Stones sing "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!" and the Scots say "Hey McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"

Score: 14

A Scottish guy announced to his mate that he was getting married... I'll write this down phonetically, so use your best Scottish accent:

"Ahm gettin married next week."

"Are ye wearin a kilt?"

"Aye, ahm weerin a kilt."

"Wha's the tartin?"

"She's in a whit dress."

Score: 14

A Scottish, fedora-wearing art professor complimented his Scandinavian student. "Nice skies, Finnish lass!"

Score: 12

I'm looking for a tiny Scottish pole But all I can find on here is wee posts

Score: 7

What did the Scottish man do when he ran out of pants to wear? He kilt himself

Score: 5

Did you hear what happened to the Scottish soldier? He was kilt in action.

Score: 5

Just had a bit of trouble with a Scottish man in a bar and ending up bottling him You should’ve seen that glasgow

Score: 4

Scottish Joke: After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt... "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.

"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

Score: 3

A Scottish man, an English man and an Irish man tell some jokes in a pub... Everyone gets arrested for racism.

Score: 3

A Scottish man, an Irish man, and a English man are all in a hot air balloon. Somehow

Score: 3

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New Scottish Jokes

What did the Scottish man do after his wife left him and took the kids? He 'kilt' himself!

Score: 0

What did one Scottish Audi ask the other? Are you R8?

Score: 1

What does a Scottish swordsman call his poo? Machete.

Score: 2

What do you call a Scottish millionaire? A ginger bread man.

Score: 2

Have you heard the Scottish National Party’s proposal to reduce Loch Ness monster sightings? Nick all the sturgeon

Score: 2

What is it called when drunk Scottish people fight? Mortaled Kombat...

Score: 1

What do Scottish people and people with bad handwriting have in common? You understand bits here and there but overall it’s a disaster.

Score: 1

If Homer Simpson goes to see the Scottish Play, what beer does he drink at the Globe? MacDuff.

Score: 2

This old Scottish friend of mine has saved every toothbrush he has used since childhood! He even puts them both out on display occassionaly.

Score: 1

Have you heard about the Scottish man who murdered people with clothing? He kilt 30 people

Score: 2

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