Scottish Jokes

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Funniest Scottish Jokes

Funny Scottish Jokes

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Highlander? Mick Jagger sings, "Hey you, get off of my cloud . . ", while the Scottish Highlander yells, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier... He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Sheep can hear zippers.

There’s no such thing as Scottish people. Either your name is Scott or it isn’t.

What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas? A Wii fit

What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottish farmer? Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud'

The Scottish farmer says 'Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe'

There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true! I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!

A Scottish man walks into a bar.. .. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.

A pair of Scottish nuns were riding in a cab in Edinburgh, and one turned to the other saying, "I've never come this way before." The other nun smiled and said... "Aye, it's the cobblestones."

An English man, Irish man and Scottish man An English man, Irish man and Scottish man walk into a Bar


Those were the days

Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because sheep can hear zippers.

Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd? Mick Jagger yells "Hey! You! Get off my cloud!"

The shepherd yells "Hey! McLeod! Get off my ewe!"

Why does Scottish Mickey Mouse no longer use his helicopter? It Disney land.

Asked a Scottish man today why they wear those skirts He replied 'the last guy that called it skirt, got kilt'

Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Because sheep can hear zippers.

What's the difference between a Scottish guy and Mick Jagger? One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"

The other says "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland. The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”

The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”

Why do Scottish madlads wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

I took a Scottish girl to the countryside. "Hello view!" she said, looking out the window of our rented house.

I said, "I love you too..."

A Scottish guy phones in sick to work. Boss ask's what is wrong Jimmy? Jimmy replies I have a wee cough.

Boss says you have a wee cough? Jimmy says thank you Boss I was only going to take one day.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away...

What do the Scottish people wear kilts? Because sheep can hear the sound of zippers from far away.

If you factor in Trumps ancestry, his policies make perfect sense. The German side says "Build a wall!"

The Scottish side says "Well im not paying for it!"

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish farmer? Mick Jagger says "Hey (hey) you (you) get off of my cloud..." the Scottish farmer says "Hey McCloud get off of my ewe"

Why do Scottish people wear kilts? Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Why the Scottish wear kilts? Because the sheep can hear the zipper from miles

Two Scottish guys discussing a wedding.. First guys asks "What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?"

Second fella says "A kilt of course!"

First fella "What's the tartin?"

"She's wearing white" says his pal

What have Muslims and Scottish weather got in common? They're often either Sunni or Shiite.

Did you hear about the scottish drag queen? He wore pants.

Why do the Scottish wear kilts The sheep can hear zippers miles away

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd? Mick Jagger says "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" and a Scottish shepherd says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Why are the scottish mean? They 'ave rage

What did the Scottish man say when the bartender took his pint away? Where did my Glasgow?

A Scottish guy announced to his mate that he was getting married... I'll write this down phonetically, so use your best Scottish accent:

"Ahm gettin married next week."

"Are ye wearin a kilt?"

"Aye, ahm weerin a kilt."

"Wha's the tartin?"

"She's in a whit dress."

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and Scottish people? The Rolling Stones sing "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!" and the Scots say "Hey McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"

What do you call a Scottish shepherd? "Pimp."

Why did Scottish baby sneeze? It got week old.

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New Scottish Jokes

Ok, time to see if a Scottish joke translates... Two cows are standing in a field, which one is going on holiday?


The one with the wee calf.

You'll only get this if you're Scottish (Came up with this when I was 8. Let's just say that I don't think it's as good as I thought it was all those years ago!)

What did the sandwich aliens say when they landed on Earth?

"We come in a piece."

Why can't Scottish Barbie see the Horizon? It's beyond her Ken.

What is a Scottish snack that is gloated about? Braggis

Scottish guy rings in to his boss. I am sorry boss I won't be in work today.

Boss: Why not?

Scottish guy: I have a wee cough.

Boss: You have a wee Cough?

Scottish guy: Oh thanks boss, I was only going to take today off.

A Scottish man was strangled to death by a skirt, he was kilt.

What's the difference between Mick Jager and a Scottish shepherd, Mick Jager says "hey, you, get off of my cloud!"

A Scottish shepherd says "hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

English kid: Miss, I need a wee! His Scottish teacher: A wee what, lad?

Why do the Scottish call kilts a kilt and not a skirt? The last person to call it a skirt got kilt.

What's the difference between a Rolling Stones song and a Scottish farmer? One goes "Hey you! Get off my cloud"

And the other "Hey Mc'Cloud! Get off my ewe"

Why do the Scottish where kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away!

I'm wary of the the Scottish at the moment I heard the main symptoms of COVID-19 are fever, cough, and shortness of bread.

An English man, an Irish man, and a Scottish man walk into a bar... The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper from miles away...

I have both Irish and Scottish ancestry I love to drink, but hate to pay for it.

(Joke Credit: John Cunningham via Kevin Burke).

REMEMBER: It's bad luck to call it a MacBook Always say "the Scottish laptop".

I've always liked those skirts scottish people wear. They're kilt.

What DO you do with a drunken sailor? Make a Disney Trilogy featuring an evil Scottish octopus and rake in the money

A Scottish man, an Irish man, and a English man are all in a hot air balloon. Somehow

What do you call a Scottish lemur? Aye aye

Why do Scottish people wear kilts? The sound of the zipper scares the sheep.

A group of 3 men walked into a bar The scottish man had whiskey the frenchman had champagne and the inuit had some bellinis- the french and scottish looked at him and both said: I knew it!

TIFU: I met my girlfriend’s Scottish Dad. Girlfriend’s Dad: So yer me daughter’s new boyfriend eye ye fucka?
Me: Well yes actually, once on the couch and one in your bed.

What did one Scottish Audi ask the other? Are you R8?

A Scottish man, an English man and an Irish man tell some jokes in a pub... Everyone gets arrested for racism.

Whats the difference between a generous scottish man and a unicorn Nothing, Theyre both fictional characters

Scottish people The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?

How do Scottish people describe a no display error? nvidia

What's James Bond's favorite kind of pasta? (in a Scottish accent)
Mini Penne

What does a Scottish swordsman call his poo? Machete.

What do you call a Scottish millionaire? A ginger bread man.

Why do Scottish people wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zippier from a mile away

Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

What did the Scottish woman do when she found a trumpet buried in her garden? She had to root-e-toot

Just had a bit of trouble with a Scottish man in a bar and ending up bottling him You should’ve seen that glasgow

What do you call two Scottish potatos who have just recived a rock as a prize? Kilt tubers with won stone.

I'm getting sick of spending time with my Scottish family and their Scottish cows... Wee kin, wee cow

Did you know you have to swim to get into Scottish Houses? It's because there's always a loch on the door! :D

Have you heard the Scottish National Party’s proposal to reduce Loch Ness monster sightings? Nick all the sturgeon

What did the Scottish man say when he misplaced his drink at a party ? “Where did my Glasgow? “

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Long Scottish Jokes

Fat Girls

Last night I was having some wings and beer with a coworker after work. There were these two pretty, but kinda fat girls drinking at the bar and being loud. They had what I could have sworn was a Scottish accent.

I'm a big fan of girls from the UK, so I struck up a conversation. I asked them, "So... you two ladies are from Scotland?"

I could see immediately that I had offended them. The brunette scowled and said, hotly, "WALES!"

I apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

A Scottish joke

An Arab sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found
locally, the call went out around the world.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the 
Arab.

After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and
 $100,000 in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgery procedure.

Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who
 this time was more than happy to donate his blood.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card
 and a box of chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that 
the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He then phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"


To this the Arab replied: "Aye, laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins."

Old Scottish joke I remembered that just became relevant again...

The head greenkeeper of St Andrews golf course was out inspecting the greens one morning when he spotted a golfer bending over the stream on the 18th, scooping up water with his hand and drinking it.

'Haw', he shouted, 'Ye shouldnae drink that watter, it's got coo's pish in it!'

The golfer looked up and replied, 'I'm sorry old chap, I'm English and I'm afraid I couldn't understand a word you were saying'

The greenkeeper shouted back, 'I said, use both hands, you'll get more in!'

Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.

- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?

Scottish man studies in an English University

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

A little-known risk with blood transfusions . . .

A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood, in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After successful surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving His blood, a new BMW, a 5-carat diamond and $50,000 dollars.

A few months later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. So the hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of chocolates. Needless to say, the Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.

A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

An Englishman, an American and a Scotsman wander in the desert

After a long while they encounter a huge wall. They try to go around it, over it, but the wall is too high and too long. Out of nowhere, a genie appears. The genie sais: "You must all tell a lie in order to break this wall. The greater the lie, the greater the damage. But beware, each one of you only has one try."

The men sink into deep thinking state. After hours of thinking, the Englishman begins: "Us, the english gentlemen, never drink tea with milk."

The wall cracks.

The American adds: "Us, the american gentlemen never smoke stogies after a hard day of work."

Again, the wall cracks.

Now all left up to the Scotsman, he takes a deep breath and starts: "Us, the scottish gentlemen-"

The wall shatters.

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day.

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total," says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "poof" the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "poof" there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, "I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Two Scottish nuns

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

An Englishman and a Scotsman...

An Englishman and a Scotsman are neighbours. The Scotsman has a hen which lays a beautiful egg every morning for him to eat on the porch. Every morning the Englishman watches how the Scotsman eats up his delicious-looking egg and starts getting envious. One morning, he gets lucky and the hen walks into his yard before laying the egg. The Scotsman sees him picking up the egg and says: ''What are you doing with my egg?'' The Englishman replies ''It's in my yard, so it's mine!'' The Scotsman says: ''But the hen that laid it belongs to me! Look mate, I can see we're never going to get to the end of this. How about we deal this in the traditional Scottish way?'' ''How?'', asks the Englishman. ''It's simple, really. First, I'll kick you in the balls as hard as I can, and when you can pick yourself up, you return the favour. The man who picks himself up in the least amount of time gets the egg.'' The Englishman agrees to the deal. The Scotsman gets his heaviest steel-capped boots and swings with the power of a young David Beckham and hits between the Englishman's legs. The Englishman rolls on the ground in agony for 31 minutes and 20 seconds before he finally manages to get up and says: ''Alright, now it's my turn.'' He gets his own heavy boots, and as prepares he prepares to swing, the Scotsman stops him at the last moment. ''You know what? I think I'll just have cereal for breakfast today.''

A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.

After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?

I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.

At his first baseball game...

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road.

So he calls the police to inform them.



A cocky sergeant answers the called. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant.




"Naw." replies the priest." I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

A Scottish man goes to his first baseball game...

He knows nothing about the game so when the first batter got walked, the Scotsman asked the fans next to him what happened.

"He got four balls, so he gets to go to first base freely," to which the Scotsman stood, and clapping loudly, shouted "Walk proud, lad! Walk proud!"

An English man, Irish man and Scottish man...

Are on a plane and the pilot comes out and issues everyone a challange, "if you can guess where we are by sticking your hand out of the window ill give you 50 grand" the Scottish man quickly jumps up and sticks his hand out of the window "we are in Dundee" he guessed, the pilot shakes his head. Then the Irish man trys "we are in Dublin" he guesses, again the pilot shakes his head, then the English man steps up, "we are in Liverpool" he says, shocked the pilot answers "Yes! Thats right, but how did you know?" The English man replies "because my watch has been stolen"

So I walked into this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent.

I walked over and said: "So, are you two girls from Scotland?"

One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"

So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.

Scottish couple decided to go to Spain

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier, but because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: January 17th, 2016

I know you're surprised to hear from me, they have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones! I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. It's bloody hot down here!

An English, Irish and a Scottish man walk into a bar

They each order a beer and as it arrives a fly falls into each of their glasses.

The Englishman pushes the glass away and demands a new one.

The Scotsman throws the fly out and takes a sip.

The Irishman grabs the fly, starts shaking it over the glass and yells: "Spit it out, spit it out!"

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