Australian Jokes

Contents

Funniest Australian Jokes

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?” I said, “No. Is that still required?”

Score: 19209

An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'

Score: 1908
Funny Australian Jokes
Score: 698

An Australian man wakes up in the hospital... ... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die"

Score: 374

What's the difference between an Australian and a pot of yogurt? Leave a pot of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.

Score: 331

If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.

Score: 181

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation. The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"

The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

Score: 175

My work has just hired an Australian IT expert He comes from a LAN down under

Score: 174

A man is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?" "No" the man says. "Is that still required?"

Score: 171

A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone **British soldier**: Did you come here to die?

**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!

Score: 146

I met an Australian guy who works in IT. I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"

Score: 144

What do you call an Australian looking after his grill? A barbie sitter

Score: 142

How did the Australian pay for his new chess set? Cheque, mate.

Score: 133

Why is it so confusing to play chess with an Australian? Because every "check" is a "check, mate!"

Score: 118

What's the worst thing about getting bit by a poisonous spider? That you're probably Australian.

Score: 79

I was playing chess with my Australian friend He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".


I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"


Confused he said, "mate, I know."

Score: 68

What's the definition of propaganda? An Australian taking a really good look at something.

Score: 68

A British man enters customs at an Australian airport. The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"

Score: 57

The worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider is... You're probably Australian

Score: 51

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked " Do you have any criminal history?" I said "no,is that still required?"

Score: 45

Have you ever heard of the Australian Kiss? It's like a French kiss, but from down under

Score: 31

What do you call an Australian guy who is a vegan? Vegemate.

Score: 31

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal record?" I said, "No. Is that still required?"

Score: 31

American: so you’ve come to die Australian: no, I came yesterday

Score: 30

What did the Australian Chess player say to the waiter? Cheque, mate!

Score: 29

I was at the Australian embassy and they asked "Do you have a criminal record?" "No," I answered. "Is that still required?"

Score: 28

An American Soldier Meets an Australian Soldier At a Warzone **American soldier:** Did you come here to die?

**Australian soldier:** Nah mate, came 'ere yesterday!

Score: 27

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian? Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

Score: 27

Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess? They always check, mate

Score: 25

A british tourist arrives to the Sydney airport. The australian duty officer checks the tourist's passport before letting him enter the country, then asks:

"Have you ever been sentenced?"

"Wait, is this still a requirement?"

Score: 24

What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal? Check, mate.

Score: 22

an American and a Australian are in the trenches the American asks: did you come here to die

the Australian says back: no i came here yesterday

Score: 18

What did the Australian optometrist say to the client with 20/20 vision? Good eye, mate.

Score: 15

Why did the Australian get kicked out the toy store? For throwing shrimp on the Barbie

Score: 8

What do you call an Australian air-bender that was born in 1960? A boomerAang.

Score: 6

A rare white koala was born yesterday in an Australian zoo. At first they thought it was an albino, but realized that it didn't meet the koalifications.

Score: 4

What do you call a shirtless Australian? A Kangaroo

Score: 2

What did the Australian optometrist say? Good eye, mate!

Score: 2

What do a game of chess and an meal at an Australian restaurant have in common? You say “check mate” at the end

Score: 2

What did the Australian say when his hangover was making it hard to pay attention to US president Eisenhauer’s speech? I’ve gotta heed Ike!

Score: 2

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New Australian Jokes

I was surprised when the audience of the Australian cooking show applauded for the merangè I thought Australians would boo merangè

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What do you call an Australian female with no t*ts? A Flat White.

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What do they call an Australian in China? "Mate in China".

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I was driving home when a group of Australian aboriginals sat in the middle of the road for 10 minutes, did a traditional dance then demanded money from everyone watching. It was highway corroboree!

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What did the Australian sailor say to the tiny parasite? Aye mite.

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What do you call an Australian friend who always comes over to eat vegemite? Vegimate.

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What did the upbeat Australian say to the sad American? Stop living in the past.

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Why was the Australian columnist staring at a beautiful woman? to have a proper gander

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What did one Australian zombie say to the other? Good eye.

Score: 1

How do you get a one armed Australian out of a tree? Wave at him.

Score: 1

Whats the difference between a Kangaroo & Kangaroot Ones an Australian Animal, and the other is a Geordie Stuck in a lift

Score: 1

How does an Australian chess player end a nice dinner at an restourant? Check mate!

Score: 0

A so German, a Russian, an Irishman, a Czech, an Australian, a Canadian, an Indian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, a Mexican, a Scot, a Kenyan, a Brazillian, a Hatian, and an American all walk up to a club... The bouncer says "I'm sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

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