Australian Jokes

Contents

Funniest Australian Jokes

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?” I said, “No. Is that still required?”

Score: 19209

An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'

Score: 1908
Funny Australian Jokes
Score: 698

An Australian man wakes up in the hospital... ... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die"

Score: 374

What's the difference between an Australian and a pot of yogurt? Leave a pot of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.

Score: 331

If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.

Score: 181

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation. The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"

The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

Score: 175

My work has just hired an Australian IT expert He comes from a LAN down under

Score: 174

I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue . I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.

Score: 173

A man is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?" "No" the man says. "Is that still required?"

Score: 171

A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone **British soldier**: Did you come here to die?

**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!

Score: 146

I met an Australian guy who works in IT. I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"

Score: 144

What do you call an Australian looking after his grill? A barbie sitter

Score: 142

How did the Australian pay for his new chess set? Cheque, mate.

Score: 133

Had an issue remotely connecting to an Australian PC. Connection was blocked by the firewall.

Score: 105

An Australian General says to a soldier, “Did you come here to die?” The soldier responds, “No, sir. I came here yester-die!”

Score: 77

I was applying for Australian citizenship The interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

Score: 75

What's the definition of propaganda? An Australian taking a really good look at something.

Score: 68

I was playing chess with my Australian friend He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".


I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"


Confused he said, "mate, I know."

Score: 68

A British man enters customs at an Australian airport. The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"

Score: 57

An American sergeant is talking to an Australian trooper The American yells: "Did you come here to die?!"

The Australian replies: "No, I came here yesterday."

Score: 54

The worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider is... You're probably Australian

Score: 51

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked " Do you have any criminal history?" I said "no,is that still required?"

Score: 45

What do you call an Australian guy who is a vegan? Vegemate.

Score: 31

Have you ever heard of the Australian Kiss? It's like a French kiss, but from down under

Score: 31

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal record?" I said, "No. Is that still required?"

Score: 31

An Englishman , an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar. Those were the days..

Score: 30

What did the Australian Chess player say to the waiter? Cheque, mate!

Score: 29

I was at the Australian embassy and they asked "Do you have a criminal record?" "No," I answered. "Is that still required?"

Score: 28

An American Soldier Meets an Australian Soldier At a Warzone **American soldier:** Did you come here to die?

**Australian soldier:** Nah mate, came 'ere yesterday!

Score: 27

Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess? They always check, mate

Score: 25

A british tourist arrives to the Sydney airport. The australian duty officer checks the tourist's passport before letting him enter the country, then asks:

"Have you ever been sentenced?"

"Wait, is this still a requirement?"

Score: 24

An Australian man living by the cliff has prevent over 150 suicides, during the 50 years he has lived there... ... by shooting them himself.

Score: 23

What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss? They are basically the same except you do an Australian kiss down under.

Score: 23

What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal? Check, mate.

Score: 22

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?' He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

Score: 21

My girlfriend is like an Australian Olympian She always comes second.

Score: 20

What did the Frenchman say when he got hit by an egg? Oeuf.

A dad joke for Australian fathers day!

Score: 19

an American and a Australian are in the trenches the American asks: did you come here to die

the Australian says back: no i came here yesterday

Score: 18

How do Australian bees please the queen bee? They bee hive

Score: 18

What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains? A riceist.

(It sounds better when you say it aloud)

Score: 18

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New Australian Jokes

What do you call an Australian air-bender that was born in 1960? A boomerAang.

Score: 12

Ever heard of an Australian kiss? It's like a French kiss but down under.

Score: 8

An Australian goes to a chess tournament When he was about to lose his first game, his opponent looked up, smiled and said: *checkmate*.

The Australian replied back in confusion: *But mate.. I didn't order anything!*

Score: 2

A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game. The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in check mate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."

Score: 3

There once was an Australian Aboriginal He bought a new boomerang and spent the rest of his life trying to get rid of the old one.

Score: 5

What’s an Australian kiss? It’s like a French one, but down under!

Score: 7

What do you call Australian senior citizens? Boomer-angs

Score: 6

The Englishman goes through Australian immigration The Englishman goes through Australian immigration, the officer looks at his form and asks him "Do you have a criminal record?" The Englishman replies "Is that still a requirement?"

Score: 9

What do you call an Australian What do you call an Australian in England?

On parole.

Score: 1

What did the Australian millenial say to his mum after receiving a call from his father? The boomerang

Score: 1

If you are Australian when you go to the bathroom, and still Australian when you leave the bathroom, what are you when your in the bathroom? European

Score: 8

What does the Australian say when he wants to pay the bill? Checkmate

Score: 2

370HSSV-0773H Is what my Australian ex girlfriend texted me.

Score: 8

Coke is stored in two containers, one is an American PET Bottle and one in an Australian Can. Which container is bigger? The Australian Can, because the Can-grew

Score: 1

So an Australian walks ito a cafe and orders coffe The barista says “want any creamer”

The Australian replies “Just coffee, mate”

Score: 3

I saw an Australian cooking show and everyone cheered when the chef made meringue It surprised me.

Australians usually boo meringue.

Score: 5

I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity. Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.


Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."

Score: 18

What Do You Call An Australian With An Attitude Problem? A Didgeri-douche.

Score: 1

I was watching an Australian cooking show and the audience applauded when the chef made merengue... I was surprised... I thought Australians usually boo merengue.

Score: 7

I’m writing a book about an Australian Shepherd dog who, against all odds, opened up his own yoga studio. The title: Downward Underdog.

Score: 2

How can you tell British police from Australian police? British police don't carry guns, but everything in Australia is trying to kill you.

Score: 2

An American, an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar. Ahhh those were the days.

Score: 4

I was surprised when the audience of the Australian cooking show applauded for the merangè I thought Australians would boo merangè

Score: 1

What did the Australian teacher say to his talkative literature class Excuse me everyone please stop Tolkien

Score: 6

Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding. I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all.

Score: 3

When sacrificing people to stoke the economy, Trump was just being Australian Throw another Gramps on the barbie.

Score: 1

A man from the US with COVID-19 is the in an Australian hospital. He looks at the nurse and says, "Did I come here to die?"

The nurse turns and replies, "No, you came here yestaday"

Score: 16

Three men walked into a bar...... An Englishman, an American and an Australian walked into a bar. The bartender looked at them and said “Is this some kind of a joke”?

Score: 7

The Australian turns to the cat and asked him, “do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?” The cat said no. So the Australian picked up the cat and wiped his bum with him.

Score: 9

What do you call an Australian female with no t*ts? A Flat White.

Score: 1

From a land down under What’s the difference between a French kiss and a Australian kiss?
An Australian kiss is from down under

Score: 1

An Australian enters a chemist. He walks up and tells the chick behind the counter,

"Yeah I'm looking for some deodorant."

She says "OK, ball or aerosol?"

He looks at her a little confused...

"Nah armpits"

Score: 11

How do Australian chess players send their food back? "It's stale, mate."

Score: 6

What's an Australian ghost's favourite dessert? Boo-meringue.

Score: 5

What do they call an Australian in China? "Mate in China".

Score: 4

An Australian gets off the boat in 1930's dust bowl USA and wanders around the land a while. The harbor master meets him at the shore and asked him...why are you here now?
Did you come here to die??
Naw mate... I came here yesterdie.

Score: 4

Why are Australian women so hairy? Because Australian men don't mind exploring the bush in the land down under!

Score: 3

They finally found how Australian fires started Fire

Score: 6

I was driving home when a group of Australian aboriginals sat in the middle of the road for 10 minutes, did a traditional dance then demanded money from everyone watching. It was highway corroboree!

Score: 1

Australian kiss is like French kiss But down under

Score: 8

An Australian man set his pubic hair on fire. I guess you could call that an Australian bushfire

Score: 6

An ancient aquatic system older than the pyramids has been revealed by the Australian bushfires Australian scientists are thinking about naming them 'rivers.'

Score: 3

I was watching an Australian cooking show and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue. I was shocked, Australians usually boo meringue.

Score: 5

Outback Steakhouse just updated their menu .... You can order all all sorts of new and authentic Australian cuisine... but it’s all well done

Score: 2

I applied to fight the Australian forest fires... They said I was overkoalafied. (If you enjoyed this, please donate to Australia. Thank you)

Score: 2

What's the difference between the Australian Brushfires and the Great Fire of Rome? Nero actually didn't play the lyre as Rome burnt.

Score: 4

What did the Australian sailor say to the tiny parasite? Aye mite.

Score: 1

Given the tragedy of the Australian fires ravaging the country for weeks, the streaming community would like to extend our heartfelt sympathy. Our Thots and Players are with you.

Score: 2

How do Australian chess players ask for the bill? Check, mate

Score: 7

What do you call an Australian friend who always comes over to eat vegemite? Vegimate.

Score: 2

How can you tell if an Australian is asking a question? You can’t?

Score: 3

Scott Morrison thank you for your amazing help with Australian bushfires!

Score: 1

Australian Cabinet Q: Why doesn’t Scomo recall cabinet to discuss issues?
A: Because Cabinets hold dusty old items never used and would be a bother to clean up.

Score: 1

what the Australian want in his coffee? coffee mate

Score: 2

Why kind of women do Australian Firefighters get? Hose

Score: 13

If you’re Australian when you walk into the bathroom and American when you walk out, what are you in the bathroom? European.





(Word it out)

Score: 1

What did the upbeat Australian say to the sad American? Stop living in the past.

Score: 2

What did the Australian say to the bug with great vision? Good eye, mite

Score: 7

I was on an Australian tour, and handled a koala bear. The trainer told me to wash my hands, as koala bears are known to have chlamydia. In all honesty, the koala should probably wash *his* hands.

Score: 2

On my Australian citizenship application, I was asked if I had a criminal record. I asked if that was still required.

Score: 15

Why was the Australian columnist staring at a beautiful woman? to have a proper gander

Score: 1

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